A Lot Is Going On

I'm to have just disappeared like that. I'm sure some of my old readers had a PTSD flashback LOL I spoke too soon on the last post. I knew the minute I hit publish it would bite me in the ass.

While we had moments of my 13 yr old holding her anger in control, she did lose it again the next Saturday. It wasn't a monumental event. She has been violent since we first fell in love with her 5 1/2 years ago. We manage her attacks by restraining her the way I was taught many years ago when I worked in a RTC. We have never had a single injury to any of our children by these restraints or by the angry child. I have been injured numerous times, though. Now that she is getting so big, it is difficult to take her down. We decided that we needed to try something else. We chose to call the police and press charges. On this day, she made numerous threats to harm me that forced me to get close enough to get her "weapon" from her. I stayed close to prevent her from leaving or hurting herself. She decided to kick a hole in the wall and then head butt me. The police were called.

We had an incident with one of the officers that was strange enough, I reported him. He spent his time focusing on her while another spent his time gathering my side of the situation. Another, their supervisor, came and went from the house and between the officers. I could tell they thought I was in the wrong. They didn't see a mark on my face and since the kids had already been removed from the situation when she did it, they weren't witnesses. (The minute things look like they will get cranked up, we have a family safety plan that they follow. The oldest/safe child takes control and takes them to do the activity I suggest. it can be anything from jumping on the trampoline, watching cartons in my room or the living room, or playing a game on the deck. They are kept out of earshot and danger.) This went on and on. I was asked to repeat the story over and over. I got a little frustrated and finally called out to my child, "Where was it you head butted me? They don't see a mark." She calmly said, "on the side of your face, hard." Both officers looked at each other and put their heads down with a slight grin. They never bothered to ask her what she did. She will usually admit it.

Back to the officer that was with her. He called me over after that and insisted he knows all about adoption issues and mental illness. He has 3 generations of adoption in his family, he adopted a son at birth that lives with his ex wife, and his son has ADHD and requires meds for it. Being polite, I smiled. Then he went to great lengths to describe and suggest we purchase a watch for her that has an alarm built in that will remind her to take her meds. Confused because no one said she had issues with takin gher meds, I explained I knew of the watch. He then began talking baout a med bracelet to warn people about her illness. I praised him and said that was awesome but she is extremely destructive of her own personal property and it wouldn't last. WHen she can handle it, that would be a great idea. I then spoke about the watch and it would see the same fate her glasses do each time we purchase them. He began to argue with me that she needs to be in charge of her own meds and blah blah blah. I realized I was going to need to be firm with him. "I'm sure you would agree that allowing a child with a severe mental illness and a history of violence against others to be responsible for the very thing that stops her from feeling homicidal or suicidal would be criminal on my part." You would think that would stop him in his tracks, right? No! He went back to the glasses. He insisted that since she's so destructive, I should get her Lasik surgery. Seriously? SHe's 13. I suggested insurance won't cover it. He said to get a dr to write a letter. I gave up. I realized he wasn't going to stop. I said I'd try that. He had to have the last word. "It would be the responsible thing to do."

When he was done with me, he said, "I need to interogate your other children one at a time." I replied, "No, you're not. You are welcome to speak to them as a group in a light hearted way. They have PTSD and we have worked very hard to convince them police are not there to take them away from their family and are here to protect them. They were removed from their parents 5 times and most of them by some poor officer dragging them away in the back of a police car." The other officer nodded silently to him and I asked the kids to sit around the table. I heard from the other room that he focused quickly on my intensely shy Ella. She NEVER confronts anyone and still lacks the confidence to speak to directly to her teacher at school. He got firm with her and asked her several times why she instigated my 13 yr old by asking her to pick up the piece of paper on the coffee table. (Yes, the entire event began bc she was asked to pick up a piece of paper that she she drew on. SHe gave it to her sister and so she didn't view it as hers and became nutso bc she was asked to do something that she shouldn't have to.) This cop was insisting that somehow when Ella asked her to do this, she was responsible for her outburst. Ella also asked her other siblings to pick up their shoes and book bags but they did it without a word. I was getting pissed. Cyr redirected him and took the pressure off my poor kid.

Can anyone guess how this conversation was processed by my 13 yr old with Schizophrenia, Bi Polar, Reactive Attachment Disorder, and PTSD? She heard, "My Mom is not giving me the things I need. If she loved me she would buy me that stuff and fix my eyes. The police are smarter than my Mom and love me more than she does. if my siblings would treat me right, I wouldn't act this way." Those of you with kids like mine, are all nodding. Those of you that don't are thinking that's crazy. It is crazy. Her perception is different that your average child. It is the very nature of mental illness. I reported his behavior. I was asked if I wanted him repramanded and I declined. I wanted him to listen more and not share with me his entire life history. I want him to understand he doesn't have a clue about mental illness bc his son takes meds for ADHD. I want him to take a sensitivity class on mental illness.

Did you think that was it? So did we, until my 13 yr old came home from school and announced DFCS had come to her school. Instantly, I was a mess. Not again! I began trying to find out who went up there and why. Long story short, one of the officers filed a refferal not because the kids are in danger but because I am. The entire thing was because they were concerned about the repeated violence against me. To say I was surprised, is an understatement. The SW did come out to meet with the rest of the kids and see the house. I assured her we have therapists in and out of our home and lives, we have a better knowledge of the services available to us than her office, we have both IFI and CBAY services in place, we have a wonderful relationship with the RTC my son is in, we are trained and knowledgeable about our children's needs and issues, we are committed to them, and we have signed up for yet another service that will be providing in home assistance that is strictly post adoption related. She couldn't think of a single thing she could offer except help with Christmas. It was a relief to have it over. She will be contacting all our references and I'm sure she will be moving on.

We have finally pinned down a time frame for my son's return home. He has been visiting weekends for a long time and we are planning on moving him back in the week after Thanksgiving! We are ready. He is ready. He is still doing very well the last month. It won't be easy. We have our concerns and are addressing safety issues.

My darling, Ruthie, is amazing herself. She is not he same child she was 15 months ago. She is letting herself feel my love and trying so hard to monitor her boundaries. Every ounce of her energy goes into being safe. She has taken on the responsibility of protecting her boundaries instead of making me monitor them for her. Don't get me wrong, she is not trusted but she is making tremendous personal progress. I couldn't love this child any more than I do. I am so proud at all she has worked through and is overcoming. SHe is determined to better herself. I have even caught her reading in bed! She reads on a 1st grade level so it isn't something she usually enjoys but she is trying.

Emma started her meds again for anxiety. Huge difference in a week. Her therapist even said she was like night and day the last visit. Emma says they need to be increased a little more but are really helping.

We are still waiting on Cyr's aids. We know they were appoved but that's all.

Smava and Smella are still quiet. They are both the most thoughtful and kind children I've ever known. I can't believe how much they've grown over the years. They were Kiki's age when they came to us and now they are in a size 10! If anyone has ideas on how to keep your babies small, I'm all ears!

Kiki is still running the house. She came running up to me the other day and said, "You better get cracking on making a lovely dinner for my prince charming and me." I'm not kidding. I could go on and on about the crazy things she says to me but I feel like I talk about her more than the others. SHe is the most creative person. SHe tells me stories about everything. She loves to snuggle and pet my face. If we could slow down her pace a little and level out her ups and downs that would be great. SHe seems to have stopped biting so we are working on her hitting and choking. SHe gets excited and wraps her hands around my neck as hard as she can. It's not so bad on me but the poor dog is terrified of her. She has to be closely monitored around animals and small children. The funny thing is, when she is squeezing, she is saying, "breathe in deep through my nose and out through my mouth". SHe knows the coping skill but just isn't getting the how to use it, yet. SHe's trying and hates that she hurts people in the process. She'll get it.

You Should Be Jealous

Kids are great. I mean really great! We had some med changes and have seen some really amazing things turn around quickly. Patches is back to her gentle and kind way. She is talking and accepting responsibility for her actions. She's not following around the new boy at school like a lost puppy. She is following directions at home and at school. It always amazes me how different they are when their meds are right. She is not groggy or sleepy from them. She is cheerful and engaging. SHe becomes active and playful. It's like she wakes up and joins life. It's exactly what they are supposed to do. By the way, if you find your kid drooling or sleeping all day, you might have the wrong meds. LOL

Michael is still holding it together. He is doing great. The stress is starting to get to him and he is having auditory hallucinations. Nothing worrisome just irritating. Who wants to be called in the house 10 times a day only to find out no one called you? That has to suck.

I've been causiously optimistic about Ruthie since her med changed a couple months ago. SHe is fantastic! No aggression. Remorse!!! Compassion and empathy are coming along. How lucky can one woman be to have so many kids working so hard simultaneously? This is real progress, too, not just a cycle for her. She is genuinely feeling better.

Ella fell this weekend on a half a million acorns and has 2 giant black knees. SHe had to be carried in the house by my hubby and she told me yesterday that she felt like a princess when he carried her. Awww! She is quite possibly the sweetest kid ever. In case you weren't aware, you should be very jealous of me. My kids rock!

Emma has started therapy to help her cope with all her anxiety. SHe seems to really enjoy it. She is feeling better with her meds. Her giggle is back. What a sweet sound that it.

Ava is working on finding her voice. The child whispers everything. This isn't new. It's about the only thing this little girl needs to work on right now. Pretty fantastic, huh? If only I could say the same about myself!

Kiki continues to entertain all she comes into contact with. She is the loudest kid in the family. She is also the funniest and most creative. She tells me "stories" every day. She tries to play them off as real but will admit she is trying to pull one over on me, if I confront her. Her latest is about Buttercup. Buttercup is her pet dinosaur. He lives in our woods. She feeds him and plays with him in our yard. SHe is very detailed about him and will go on and on about him. It is so hard to be serious while she is telling me what he eats and who he likes and on and on and on. Her stories will be fantastic books someday. I'm sure of it.

Cyr is still blogging over at www.intomychaos.blogspot.com. SHe is doing well. SHe is getting a little anxious about her hearing aids. Patience is hard at 15.

Halloween Costumes

We are going as a chain gang. hahahahahahahaha A couple of kids aren't but most of us are. Ella is our guard/officer. This completely cracks me up.

Things went well at JJD last week. Patches will go in front of a Judge. I'm conflicted about this step in her life. On one hand, better to do this at 13 than 18. On the other, I'm not confident this will ever end for her. My fingers are crossed this helps.

I spent the weekend with Kiki's family. when we go,I take Kiki's sister, Lexi, and w spend the night at their Great Granny's. This time I took the twins with me, too. Her family celebrated her birthday and she was spoiled like a princess. LOL. Its always hard on the girls and their Mom to leave.

We are working out the details to get Michael home next month. Someone shoot me, please. Coordinating services, well more like finding services, is hard. The new IFI program that we began a few weeks ago, is a real disappointment. They aren't coming out like they should and they have very little knowledge of RAD and the complicated feelings/issues that come with it. They are really dropping the ball.

They were going to schedule an appt w their pdoc to do a psychological evaluation on Patches. They are usually done by a psychologist so when they insisted on doing it w their psychiatrist, I questioned it. I was assured they had it right. We went to the appt yesterday and LOVED her. She spoke to both Patches and I about her symptoms/issues. She gave her thoughts about appropriate dx for her. She was right on the money all the way around. Everything. That never happens. We always end up explaining how and who gave the kids their dx. Then we end up defending it to someone that has just met my kid(s). This was a nice change. It's really too bad the rest of the staff seems so unavailable to meet our needs.

JJD

We are off to meet with the Juvenile Probation Dept. They seemed to have changed their mind about putting my nearly 14 yr old in front of a Judge for the Battery charges. The woman claims her supervisor feels it should be let go because she has a dx. I have every intention on changing their minds back. If they let it go, it proves further proves that adults aren't going to follow through with things and it is OK to continue to hit me when she gets mad. She knows the difference between right and wrong. She controls herself with other adults and even the kids. She is terrified of Judges. I'm hoping it would help her get that her actions have consequences. I don't hit her, she needs to stop hitting me because she is mad at someone else.

I have a couple of stalkers. I'm so special! I suggest y'all get back to work before I call and tell your employers about your threats and other activities. The tracker I have on here tells me where you are, who you work for, how often you open the page, and even what posts you read. Busted! It's so sad you go to such great lengths to learn about my life. I've tried to be nice and talk to you but you aren't interested. It's fine with me but people are tired of hearing your complaining about me. If you don't like what I have to say, don't read it. If you feel like something is inaccurate, you were always free to say so. You could have even asked me to remove it and I would have. Instead you hide behind your computer to stalk me, twist my words, and then complain. Everything I post is true to my knowledge. You may not like it but it's true. In most cases, I've been more than nice. Since I have no way to contact you privately, I did it on here. I will not do it again. If you threaten me again, I will report you to the police and your work.

A Very Emotional Night

Cyr showed no improvement after a round of steroids. The doctor said it looks like it is a genetic form of hearing loss instead of damage to her ears. They took a mold of her ears today. Now we wait until they call to have us come in to fit the new aids. She has been a real trooper. SHe was a bit weepy tonight. I told her it is perfectly normal and she has every right to be upset.

I really don;t think this will hold her back. She will be able to do anything she wants. She may just have to take a different route to get there. I wish I could post her biggest concern but instead I'll just put a reminder in here that I told her she wasn't deaf and dumb and things will work out. Her and I will get a big laugh about that when she can find humor in all this later. Oh, and she should just go ahead and take full advantage of this now and blame all her lower grades on this emotional trauma. She admitted she plans on doing that. LOL She is SO my daughter.

I reconnected with someone tonight that I thought I lost many years ago. I love how much she has grown and how she has the ability to say what she thinks in a very clear but kind way. She is as amazing as I knew she would be. I would love to tell you who she is but with recent events that you all are not aware of, I shall keep her nameless. We sure would hate for people to attack her, too, for no reason. She knows who she is and that's all that matters. Somehow, the young women in this group she belongs, are so much more mature and accepting than their parents. I knew there was a reason I adored them all.

An Eventful Day Ahead

I have a busy day ahead of me. Emma is seeing the pdoc for the first time in over a year. She asked to get back on meds to control her anxiety shortly after school started back. It's too much to handle with her coping skills alone. We began to see depression slip in for the first time over the Summer so we agreed, it's time.

After that, Cyr goes back to the ENT to today to read the results of the CT scan. Since the ringing hasn't decreased nor is she hearing any better, we are pretty sure she will still require the hearing aids. With all the waiting and back and forth, it will be a relief for her to just get it over with.

My oldest niece got married in Las Vegas a few weeks ago. We will be attending her very belated reception at her Mom's, my oldest sister, home. It should be interesting for several reasons. My Mom and her man will be there and even though he is my oldest's father, things are tense between them. My youngest sister stopped speaking to me for no reason a few years ago and has been a real witch about me to others. I haven't seen her since. She's bringing her husband with her and from what everyone says, he's a piece of work, too. If that wasn't enough drama, my kids do not do well around drinking people. They all have a scary memory of a big brawl and even an accidental shooting at a family function before living with us. We have shown them that responsible social drinking is safe but this will be their first big party with alcohol present. It could go either way. I'm hoping for a lovely drama free celebration for my niece. Any bets someone else acts like an idiot after a couple glasses if wine? We should start a pool. LOL I almost forgot, I received some nasty comments from my oldest sister's friends awhile back. They may be there. Woo Hoo!

We decided on our costumes for this year. We will be a chain gang! Ella will be our prison guard. Hahahahahaha. It completely cracks me up. I know, it doesn't take much.

Asking For Help

Something we've seen throughout the entire sibling group is the inability to ask for help when they are in need. One of them will ask for help constantly when they don't need it but none of them do when they are sick or scared. As 3 of them have begun to heal, they will tell me they need meds for an illness or ache, if they are awake. The other three dare you to catch them sick. My son and Patches go out of their way to let you know they have a fever or have vomited. I can't count the times I've found dried puke on their beds they have covered up. The RTC has been equally surprised by this behavior from him.

Logically, I know where this comes from. Their needs were never met as very young children so seeking it now is foreign to them. When they were hungry, no one fed them. When they were dirty, no one cleaned them. When they were tired, no one rocked them. When they were hurt, no one comforted them. Their brains are not wired to expect help. When they are awake, they can think it through and realize that I'm here for them. In the middle of the night, they just revert back to what they know. I've gone out of my way to assure them they are always welcome to come to my room. It doesn't help. Their behavior remains an extreme contrast to my other attached children.

This changed this morning for Patches. I was already awake and waiting for the arm to go off when I heard, "Mom". I nearly crapped myself. I just knew it had to be horrific. I jumped up and ran to her. I asked her what was wrong and held my breath. She began telling me she had a bad dream and every time she fell back asleep, it would continue.

Surprised, I asked her what the dream was about. She told me that we were al on a boat in the ocean and I jumped into the shark infested water. I told Ella to get in and then swam to safety leaving Ella to be eaten since she is not able to swim. Ella has Cerebral Palsy and her legs just can't kick enough to keep her afloat. (In her birth home, her father would become enraged and beat Ella with a belt as she tried to drag herself down the hall. This image has tormented Patches for years and made her feel she is weak and needs protection.)

I think the dream is pretty accurate about how she sees me. She is terrified I'm going to somehow trick her and her siblings into caring for me then hurt them. How could she not feel this way? It's exactly what her parents did. She loved them, they hurt her and refused to take care of her. I'm just some lady who stole her from them before they could get it together and live happily ever after.

I know it seems silly to some of you that I would be so excited over this simple act. Some of you are grinning from ear to ear or welling up with tears because you are living with a child like mine or were a child like her. You know how hard this was for her. What a leap it was for her to trust me enough to tell me she was scared and what abut. It took everything I had not to jump around and squeeze her. I calmly patted her back and told her how strong she was for telling me. I assured her in the only way she will allow me without shutting down. She left this morning without any anger for the first time in weeks.

Our Real Life Princess

We have a birthday in the house today. Kiera (Kiki) turned 4. I've said it many times, this child has a huge personality. HUGE, people. She is quite the character. She is in charge of all of us. We all bow to her and her wishes. It is biting us in the ass. I may be in over my head in a few years. LOL

She refuses to sleep all night in her own bed and will often promise to snuggle with the other parent on their side when it is suggested she return to her bed. She insists on having homework because the kids do. She picks out her own clothes. She speaks as clearly and has the vocabulary of a teenager. She is smart as a whip and corrects anyone without fear of consequences. She is my sole companion and entertainer all day long. She is confident, thoughtful, smart, funny, and generous. She gives me movie star kisses, fixes my hair, and tells me what it's like to be a "real life princess". We play games and she doesn't trust me to use my own words. She writes my side of the conversation to suite her. She has an incredible imagination. She is a joy to parent.

Today, as friends and family called to wish her happy birthday, she made it clear that just saying it wasn't enough. She made the all sing it. She is under the impression that since we are celebrating her special day 4 times this year to do it with everyone that loves her, every year she will add another day. So, next year 5 days, the year after 6 days and so on. She dismissed my objections.

She has the benefit of having a very open relationship with her first family. To her, every one has 2 moms and 2 families. It is natural. I'm not saying it's always easy, it's not. She doesn't see them enough. She would love to see them every month but it's not possible right now. She is content with calling her Mom every few days and going with me to spend the night up there every few months. It will be more when they can do more.

Coming and Going

We had hoped to have all the kids home by the end of the month. That's not looking like it's going to happen. He will still be coming but someone is making it clear she needs RTC. She is impossible to live with. Her anger outbursts aren't making any sense to us. she is scaring her siblings and that was the turning point for us. She can treat me horrible and I can take it. They shouldn't have to. They don't want to.

We have always thought that Patches wouldn't have a lot of boy issues since she can't stand to be touched. She is mean to the boys she had crushes on so far and seems to go out of her way to hurt their feelings. We have compared her to a praying mantis in love. That has changed.

She has found herself attracted to a smart bad boy. He has convinced her no one can make her do anything at school or home. He lays his head down at school so she does. He told her he is in a gang, does drugs, and dates older girls. She is smitten. She can't say his name without smiling. She doesn't even realize she is smiling.

Yesterday, she told us she was threatened with out of school suspension because she wouldn't leave the class while he was having a violent outburst. She was in danger. She didn't care. She was grinning from ear to ear the entire story. Trying not to tickher off, I remained quiet. Her sister told her that was ridiculous. We quickly moved onto picking up Emma and heading to the park.

All went well until it didn't. I'm not sure where I went wrong. We ran through the grocery store and she began trying to irritate the kids. When one of them finally said she was making them mad, she replied that I was making her mad. She continued and eventually, I had to step in. All I asked was what I could do differently that wouldn't bother her. That's it. Then she began with the hate stuff. We headed home. She calmed. I knew she was on the edge and offered to do her chore, of she would apologize. For the next 3 hours, we had to listen to her scream about how I'm a witch and gay. We ignored. We ate dinner. Hubby came home. She quieted but got sneaky. Made stupid threats that forced me to physically monitor her. Eventually, she threw her dirty socks in my face and raised her arm to hit me. My hubby took 2 giant steps and she put it back down.

I'm so stressed about her that I was up at 3:30 am. Can't sleep. That is nothing remarkable in itself but irritating. Her behaviors get crazy every Fall. Every year prior, I've spent my time trying to figure out her triggers, her trauma events, how to help her feel better, and make her life happier. Things are different this year. I'm going to focus the kids that are working hard and help make their lives better by having her admitted to a RTC. Its past time. I love her and want what best for her. We are all running out of patience. Time for a family time out.

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

And that's all I'm going to say about that today.

I met our new Behavior Specialist that will be working with Ruthie and Patches. She was interesting and funny. I really liked her. The only issue I see is she has no experience or knowledge of RAD. None. She was willing to research a little over the weekend for us so that is a plus. I had been hopeful the team would have at least heard of it. Maybe next lifetime.

We had a great afternoon w Patches. Woo hoo!

I was expecting the worst but was pleasantly surprised when I was able to help Patches pull it together today. She really turned it around. I'm sure all of you are sitting on the edge of your seats wanting to know how this incredible feat was accomplished. I entered a conversation with Kiki about Patches recent behaviors. Since the only 2 things she cares about since her mad crush on her friend, Noah, this Summer, is her dog and Kiki. She was moved immediately when she heard her say she was mean and it hurt her feelings. She began to sob when she heard she was afraid of her when she yells at her Mommy. When she finally stopped crying, Kiki was long gone.

We talked frankly about our different opinions on why she is losing her crap daily. She was polite and open. She wouldn't accept any affection from me until much later. She never apologized but has made it clear the next 4.5 hours until bedtime that she was making up for the last 2 weeks. She didn't make one grunt about chores. She wrote sentences for screaming at me last night. It was the first time we tried that consequence. she has too many chores built up and she loves to write. I had hoped it would feel like a consequence but be manageable. I had her write "My Mom is great!". It worked well for both of us. She bathed and gave me the first sincere hug than she has given me in months. We should be good now for a couple months. LOL.

Cyr wrote about her appointment today. She has an MRI Monday and will have a round of steroids for 9 days. We go back in 2 weeks to retest her hearing and if nothing has changed, she will be fitted that day for the hearing aids. I was so relieved he was willing to double check for us. He didn't sound optimistic but said their could be a slight chance. Cyr wanted it to be over today. She'll be much happier if they were wrong the first visit in the long run. If he was right, she'll barely remember the inconvenience in a few years. At least I would hope so. LOL

Run and vote today!

I'm currently ignoring death threats being shouted from behind a closed bedroom door. I know she is trying to get taken to the hospital so she doesn't have to apologize to me for being very nasty right after school. She is running out of options other than to just apologize so she is pushing things. Because I know this, I don't want to waste the kids, hospital staff, police, or my time. I'm sure she will use this as another reason I am horrible. She will twist it into I didn't protect her when she was out of control.

Everything that comes out of that child's mouth is just twisted versions of the truth. Its old. That and the police know her number, she already admitted all of my other kids like living with this family and most love me dearly. The other 2 want to but are struggling due to RAD. She has also confessed to wanting to lie and say she is being abused by me so I'll go to jail. Not a smart move if you really have that intention, if you ask me. Well, what do I know? I'm just a stupid lady doing every thing she can to help a girl that she loves find some genuine happiness

Don't forget to vote!!!!

Help Me Find My People!

When I closed this blog last Fall, I didn't think I'd be reopening it. Apparently, no one else did either. I have lost nearly all of my readers. I figured in time it would pick back up and, to some extent, it has. I went from a readership of more than 1200 a day to 200. I'm not sure how to reach back out to them other than to ask you all that do blog, would you mention I'm back here? Got an idea that might help me find my people? I'm open to suggestions, too.

P.S. I almost forgot, please hit the pink button on the left and vote! I'm #7 and just a few votes behind #6 and #5. With your help, I could move up!

Cyr Has Something To Say

Run and see what it is over at www.intomychaos.blogspot.com

Dream Crusher

Kiki and I took Emma to the therapist's office today. She has always been a very anxious child and was dx'd with an anxiety disorder based on information given by both us and her teachers several years ago. It had begun to really interfere with her school and life. After a few years on meds, she asked if she could stop taking them. We believe it is her body and we need to listen to any of our children's concerns about that. She had some good points and we agreed.

She has done very well until this Summer. She slipped into a heavy depression and took her to see the pediatrician only to realize she wasn't ill, she was depressed. Once school started back, she asked to try them again. She is having a hard time coping with her anxiety. She becomes very stressed about tests, keeping up with her peers, letting her teachers down, her appearance, but the biggest thing is what her peers are doing. She becomes extremely agitated if she feels someone isn't doing things the right way, is breaking a rule, or the teacher is unaware of something. She drives herself insane with all of it.

We set her all up with the pdoc and a new therapist. She is excited and hopeful. She really needs to deal with the loss of her siblings from last Fall and now her mom has some chaos going on that doesn't feel stable to her. I'm sure this is just what she needed and she will begin to feel better soon.

Patches is home and really struggling. She has no idea how difficult it is to live with her when she is like this. The kids want to smack her and I can't blame them. She is mean to them and goes out of her way to make sure they know she doesn't like them. They are still polite and generous with her. I hope she pulls it back together before they turn on her. We keep talking about how her life is like a roller coaster and even though things are low now, they will be better again. I'm not sure anyone is buying what I'm selling though.

Michael is coming home. I think all the indecision is killing us. I insisted the RTC just move forward and make a plan. They agreed they can't do anymore for him and as long as we are willing to take him home, they will send him. Of course they made it clear, he is not healed or even doing better than he was before he came. We feel the sexual stuff is under control and every one is talking openly about feelings and concerns. That is vital to our success. We have the cameras in place and alarms still on so everyone feels safe and is safe.

I so rarely talk about the twins. They are so fantastic, I can't even begin to make you understand how lucky I am to be their Mom. They are both quite passive aggressive so we never see any anger or outward negative emotions unless they are pushed. Ella cracks me up. You can only tell how mad she is by how fast her ponytail swings as she is walking away. CP caused issues with her legs and she walks on her tippy toes. It's kinda hard for her to stomp but she gives it her best effort. When stomping off her ponytail swings ridiculously hard. I laugh out loud. Fortunately, my cackling usually makes her laugh, too.

Cyr is depressed. She is blah. She is weepy. She doesn't want to go to school and see her friends. She asked if she could stay home today but I told her she only gets 1 mental health day off school and she thought that was funny and dropped it. She is really upset about the hearing aids. I have a feeling, she will fight wearing them. We go Thursday to get her fitted. I told her kids are gonna be jealous. It's like braces and glasses, kids want them unless they have them. Maybe that only applies to elementary school kids but I'm holding onto that.

Kiki told me I was cancelling her dreams last night. I had no idea what she was talking about so I asked. She insisted I was cancelling her dreams. Still confused I just kinda looked at her. She said, "You are cancelling all my dreams of going to dance school!". There you have it folks, I am a dream killer. I have no idea what prompted this or how I did it but I crushed her lifelong dream.

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She Needs What???

I have had a very busy week. It began with what I thought would be a routine doctor visit with the ENT for Cyr. She had mentioned her ears were bothering her but not in an earache way. When it came up twice in a month, I set an appointment. Five of my children from that group rarely complain of illness or aches and pains. It varies between them but can be as extreme as my son has never admitted to being sick. No headaches or stomach aches. He has vomited but like his sisters, he covers it up with his pillow or hides it in the laundry. The RTC called last week to tell me he had strep. When I asked for details, they told me they had only tested him because so many in the unit had it. When they checked him out, he had a fever and a very nasty throat. They were amazed he hadn't mentioned it.

So when I heard something about Cyr's ears a second time, I took her in. They said he rears were clear and there was nothing visible that could be causing her any discomfort. They asked a few questions about dizziness and she admitted she felt it after she heard ringing sometimes. They did a hearing test and came back in the room with a brief comment about "significant loss in both ears". Having no idea what that meant, her and I bantered back and forth a bit about hearing aids and surgery to drain the ears.

After almost 30 minutes the doctor and nurse came back in to go over the results. He seemed a little nervous and the nurse wasn't making eye contact, at first. He mentioned "significant hearing loss in both ears". I asked what we needed to do, fully expecting him to suggest meds for fluid or further testing. The nurse walked behind him and got a brochure for me. He looked at me and said, "We need to see her in a week to have her fitted for hearing aids." Cyr and I both looked at each other and laughed. We had not expected that.

The next part of the brief conversation was me pressing for a number. I needed to hear the percentage of loss. I'm thinking 10-20% but he told me her good ear had lost 50% or more and the other ear was worse. I know our mouths were open. How did we miss this? She said she had been feeling an urge to look at people's lips when they spoke to her but it didn't occur to her that she couldn't hear them. She is fine at home but my hubby has severe hearing loss so the TV is loud and we are loud to help him avoid the same kind doctor appointment. She is a soft spoken child and so no one else noticed.

It has been quite a shock to her. She is strong and will be fine but she has been unusually emotional since. We have been talking about it and she is coping much better than I expected. The biggest let down is she won't be able to join the service. She had been banking on that to get away from her siblings. She is much less concerned with the aids themselves. In this process, my hubby has agreed to have his hearing tested and look into aids. It is a miracle, folks. A real life miracle. All it took was his little girl crying over a brochure and his need to fix kicked in. Before he new what he said, he offered to join her in this journey. We are going to make him honor that promise.

I mentioned Cyr was a little emotional. It popped up again on Friday night. Patches had been struggling for about 48 hours over an IEP meeting. She had been caught in a few not so true statements and she had made herself believe them. Our meeting shattered her reality and she focused on me. The police were called out Thursday night because she was making threats against me. She verbally attacked the wonderful officer but made no real threats she he couldn't do anything. She was awful at school on Friday and came home crappy. We catered to her a bit by separating the kids from her when she tattled.

At bed time she wanted to sleep in the little girls' room and was told no. That led to threats of killing herself. After some discussion trying to calm her, she began to hit me repeatedly. I had to hold her hands down. Once she began to kick me, Cyr grabbed her legs. Patches is becoming too strong for me when she is psychotic and her hands slipped out. She got a few swings in and Cyr lost it. She jumped up and into Patches face. I heard her scream like she has never done before. She told her to stop hurting her Mom. Quickly realizing she was out of control, she refused to hold her legs and yelled at me she was having her arrested. Cyr entered the area in the LR that the kids were sitting watching cartoons and terrified them by simply having emotions that strong.

The police showed up and my hubby and I had finally restrained her safely. He handcuffed her so I could get up. She admitted to attacking me. I had obvious scratches and bruises so he insisted on filing charges against her for battery. He took her in the back of his car to the hospital. I calmed the kids before I joined them there. Of course, I'm skipping so much of the details but you get the jest of it. She was 1013'd again. She will be home in a few days and we have started the process of admitting her to the same hospital my son is in.

Life, for my children, is exhausting. She is a fantastic kid. Most of the time, she really wants to fit in and feel a part of our family. Then these moments she fears she may be rejected or in trouble, she lashes out at us first. At 13, she is now involved with the juvenile system here. Therapy, medicine, and will alone haven't helped. Our last hope is that a big scary judge will help her take a moment to use the coping skills she knows so well but refuses to use when she needs them. Violent, aggressive, paranoid, and delusional. I fear for her future. She deserves to be happy and feel love. I will never give up trying to prove that to her.