Dream Crusher

Kiki and I took Emma to the therapist's office today. She has always been a very anxious child and was dx'd with an anxiety disorder based on information given by both us and her teachers several years ago. It had begun to really interfere with her school and life. After a few years on meds, she asked if she could stop taking them. We believe it is her body and we need to listen to any of our children's concerns about that. She had some good points and we agreed.

She has done very well until this Summer. She slipped into a heavy depression and took her to see the pediatrician only to realize she wasn't ill, she was depressed. Once school started back, she asked to try them again. She is having a hard time coping with her anxiety. She becomes very stressed about tests, keeping up with her peers, letting her teachers down, her appearance, but the biggest thing is what her peers are doing. She becomes extremely agitated if she feels someone isn't doing things the right way, is breaking a rule, or the teacher is unaware of something. She drives herself insane with all of it.

We set her all up with the pdoc and a new therapist. She is excited and hopeful. She really needs to deal with the loss of her siblings from last Fall and now her mom has some chaos going on that doesn't feel stable to her. I'm sure this is just what she needed and she will begin to feel better soon.

Patches is home and really struggling. She has no idea how difficult it is to live with her when she is like this. The kids want to smack her and I can't blame them. She is mean to them and goes out of her way to make sure they know she doesn't like them. They are still polite and generous with her. I hope she pulls it back together before they turn on her. We keep talking about how her life is like a roller coaster and even though things are low now, they will be better again. I'm not sure anyone is buying what I'm selling though.

Michael is coming home. I think all the indecision is killing us. I insisted the RTC just move forward and make a plan. They agreed they can't do anymore for him and as long as we are willing to take him home, they will send him. Of course they made it clear, he is not healed or even doing better than he was before he came. We feel the sexual stuff is under control and every one is talking openly about feelings and concerns. That is vital to our success. We have the cameras in place and alarms still on so everyone feels safe and is safe.

I so rarely talk about the twins. They are so fantastic, I can't even begin to make you understand how lucky I am to be their Mom. They are both quite passive aggressive so we never see any anger or outward negative emotions unless they are pushed. Ella cracks me up. You can only tell how mad she is by how fast her ponytail swings as she is walking away. CP caused issues with her legs and she walks on her tippy toes. It's kinda hard for her to stomp but she gives it her best effort. When stomping off her ponytail swings ridiculously hard. I laugh out loud. Fortunately, my cackling usually makes her laugh, too.

Cyr is depressed. She is blah. She is weepy. She doesn't want to go to school and see her friends. She asked if she could stay home today but I told her she only gets 1 mental health day off school and she thought that was funny and dropped it. She is really upset about the hearing aids. I have a feeling, she will fight wearing them. We go Thursday to get her fitted. I told her kids are gonna be jealous. It's like braces and glasses, kids want them unless they have them. Maybe that only applies to elementary school kids but I'm holding onto that.

Kiki told me I was cancelling her dreams last night. I had no idea what she was talking about so I asked. She insisted I was cancelling her dreams. Still confused I just kinda looked at her. She said, "You are cancelling all my dreams of going to dance school!". There you have it folks, I am a dream killer. I have no idea what prompted this or how I did it but I crushed her lifelong dream.