Monday, November 14, 2011

A Lot Is Going On

I'm to have just disappeared like that. I'm sure some of my old readers had a PTSD flashback LOL I spoke too soon on the last post. I knew the minute I hit publish it would bite me in the ass.

While we had moments of my 13 yr old holding her anger in control, she did lose it again the next Saturday. It wasn't a monumental event. She has been violent since we first fell in love with her 5 1/2 years ago. We manage her attacks by restraining her the way I was taught many years ago when I worked in a RTC. We have never had a single injury to any of our children by these restraints or by the angry child. I have been injured numerous times, though. Now that she is getting so big, it is difficult to take her down. We decided that we needed to try something else. We chose to call the police and press charges. On this day, she made numerous threats to harm me that forced me to get close enough to get her "weapon" from her. I stayed close to prevent her from leaving or hurting herself. She decided to kick a hole in the wall and then head butt me. The police were called.

We had an incident with one of the officers that was strange enough, I reported him. He spent his time focusing on her while another spent his time gathering my side of the situation. Another, their supervisor, came and went from the house and between the officers. I could tell they thought I was in the wrong. They didn't see a mark on my face and since the kids had already been removed from the situation when she did it, they weren't witnesses. (The minute things look like they will get cranked up, we have a family safety plan that they follow. The oldest/safe child takes control and takes them to do the activity I suggest. it can be anything from jumping on the trampoline, watching cartons in my room or the living room, or playing a game on the deck. They are kept out of earshot and danger.) This went on and on. I was asked to repeat the story over and over. I got a little frustrated and finally called out to my child, "Where was it you head butted me? They don't see a mark." She calmly said, "on the side of your face, hard." Both officers looked at each other and put their heads down with a slight grin. They never bothered to ask her what she did. She will usually admit it.

Back to the officer that was with her. He called me over after that and insisted he knows all about adoption issues and mental illness. He has 3 generations of adoption in his family, he adopted a son at birth that lives with his ex wife, and his son has ADHD and requires meds for it. Being polite, I smiled. Then he went to great lengths to describe and suggest we purchase a watch for her that has an alarm built in that will remind her to take her meds. Confused because no one said she had issues with takin gher meds, I explained I knew of the watch. He then began talking baout a med bracelet to warn people about her illness. I praised him and said that was awesome but she is extremely destructive of her own personal property and it wouldn't last. WHen she can handle it, that would be a great idea. I then spoke about the watch and it would see the same fate her glasses do each time we purchase them. He began to argue with me that she needs to be in charge of her own meds and blah blah blah. I realized I was going to need to be firm with him. "I'm sure you would agree that allowing a child with a severe mental illness and a history of violence against others to be responsible for the very thing that stops her from feeling homicidal or suicidal would be criminal on my part." You would think that would stop him in his tracks, right? No! He went back to the glasses. He insisted that since she's so destructive, I should get her Lasik surgery. Seriously? SHe's 13. I suggested insurance won't cover it. He said to get a dr to write a letter. I gave up. I realized he wasn't going to stop. I said I'd try that. He had to have the last word. "It would be the responsible thing to do."

When he was done with me, he said, "I need to interogate your other children one at a time." I replied, "No, you're not. You are welcome to speak to them as a group in a light hearted way. They have PTSD and we have worked very hard to convince them police are not there to take them away from their family and are here to protect them. They were removed from their parents 5 times and most of them by some poor officer dragging them away in the back of a police car." The other officer nodded silently to him and I asked the kids to sit around the table. I heard from the other room that he focused quickly on my intensely shy Ella. She NEVER confronts anyone and still lacks the confidence to speak to directly to her teacher at school. He got firm with her and asked her several times why she instigated my 13 yr old by asking her to pick up the piece of paper on the coffee table. (Yes, the entire event began bc she was asked to pick up a piece of paper that she she drew on. SHe gave it to her sister and so she didn't view it as hers and became nutso bc she was asked to do something that she shouldn't have to.) This cop was insisting that somehow when Ella asked her to do this, she was responsible for her outburst. Ella also asked her other siblings to pick up their shoes and book bags but they did it without a word. I was getting pissed. Cyr redirected him and took the pressure off my poor kid.

Can anyone guess how this conversation was processed by my 13 yr old with Schizophrenia, Bi Polar, Reactive Attachment Disorder, and PTSD? She heard, "My Mom is not giving me the things I need. If she loved me she would buy me that stuff and fix my eyes. The police are smarter than my Mom and love me more than she does. if my siblings would treat me right, I wouldn't act this way." Those of you with kids like mine, are all nodding. Those of you that don't are thinking that's crazy. It is crazy. Her perception is different that your average child. It is the very nature of mental illness. I reported his behavior. I was asked if I wanted him repramanded and I declined. I wanted him to listen more and not share with me his entire life history. I want him to understand he doesn't have a clue about mental illness bc his son takes meds for ADHD. I want him to take a sensitivity class on mental illness.

Did you think that was it? So did we, until my 13 yr old came home from school and announced DFCS had come to her school. Instantly, I was a mess. Not again! I began trying to find out who went up there and why. Long story short, one of the officers filed a refferal not because the kids are in danger but because I am. The entire thing was because they were concerned about the repeated violence against me. To say I was surprised, is an understatement. The SW did come out to meet with the rest of the kids and see the house. I assured her we have therapists in and out of our home and lives, we have a better knowledge of the services available to us than her office, we have both IFI and CBAY services in place, we have a wonderful relationship with the RTC my son is in, we are trained and knowledgeable about our children's needs and issues, we are committed to them, and we have signed up for yet another service that will be providing in home assistance that is strictly post adoption related. She couldn't think of a single thing she could offer except help with Christmas. It was a relief to have it over. She will be contacting all our references and I'm sure she will be moving on.

We have finally pinned down a time frame for my son's return home. He has been visiting weekends for a long time and we are planning on moving him back in the week after Thanksgiving! We are ready. He is ready. He is still doing very well the last month. It won't be easy. We have our concerns and are addressing safety issues.

My darling, Ruthie, is amazing herself. She is not he same child she was 15 months ago. She is letting herself feel my love and trying so hard to monitor her boundaries. Every ounce of her energy goes into being safe. She has taken on the responsibility of protecting her boundaries instead of making me monitor them for her. Don't get me wrong, she is not trusted but she is making tremendous personal progress. I couldn't love this child any more than I do. I am so proud at all she has worked through and is overcoming. SHe is determined to better herself. I have even caught her reading in bed! She reads on a 1st grade level so it isn't something she usually enjoys but she is trying.

Emma started her meds again for anxiety. Huge difference in a week. Her therapist even said she was like night and day the last visit. Emma says they need to be increased a little more but are really helping.

We are still waiting on Cyr's aids. We know they were appoved but that's all.

Smava and Smella are still quiet. They are both the most thoughtful and kind children I've ever known. I can't believe how much they've grown over the years. They were Kiki's age when they came to us and now they are in a size 10! If anyone has ideas on how to keep your babies small, I'm all ears!

Kiki is still running the house. She came running up to me the other day and said, "You better get cracking on making a lovely dinner for my prince charming and me." I'm not kidding. I could go on and on about the crazy things she says to me but I feel like I talk about her more than the others. SHe is the most creative person. SHe tells me stories about everything. She loves to snuggle and pet my face. If we could slow down her pace a little and level out her ups and downs that would be great. SHe seems to have stopped biting so we are working on her hitting and choking. SHe gets excited and wraps her hands around my neck as hard as she can. It's not so bad on me but the poor dog is terrified of her. She has to be closely monitored around animals and small children. The funny thing is, when she is squeezing, she is saying, "breathe in deep through my nose and out through my mouth". SHe knows the coping skill but just isn't getting the how to use it, yet. SHe's trying and hates that she hurts people in the process. She'll get it.

5 comments:

Cindy said...

Is this blog private now? May I link this post? It is sooooo typical of our world.

Tudu said...

It's still public. Feel free to link.

Angela :-) said...

I'm so glad to hear things worked out well (so far). You've been on my mind.

Angela :-)

jvoor said...

Gah. Just wrote a comment and I think it got lost? Hope I don't double post.

I found your blog through the Mega Families Blog Ring. (Not sure how I landed there in the first place though). After reading through your 2011 posts I went back and spent the last two weeks reading through all of your posts. It is amazing how far the kids have come. And each of them has surprised me by how much they changed, even some who seemed like they would never change, have made enormous strides. I wish you the best with the 3 who are still struggling so much and I am in awe of the strength of your love and determination to help them. I know others have said it before, but it bears repeating, you are really amazing.

I am so sorry for the loss of Emma's siblings. I was very sorry to read that news, and about all the crap that surrounded them being taking. I am thankful I didn't have to wait the five months in between your posts, as it was I was holding my breath wondering what had caused the delay in posting.

I hope that you had a good Thanksgiving and that Michael's transition home goes well. I will continue reading as you continue writing. Also, I am very interested in the news about the book, and will definitely be buying a copy whenever it comes out! :)

Best, JAV.

jvoor said...

Also, did Cyr shut down her blog? I read through it last week, and tried to get on to post a comment today, but blogger couldn't find it. I wanted to let her know that I know a little bit about how she feels in regards to her siblings' behavior. Although it is nothing compared to what you all are dealing with, I have a brother who has Asperger's, who has rages and freaks out on us, yelling horrible things. When he was younger he threw things and broke them, but fortunately that doesn't happen much now. I have often resented him, but never stopped loving him, and continue to work to make our relationship better. Hopefully things at home between Cyr and her sister will eventually get better.