Sunday, December 06, 2009

Book Lover asked in my last post
"How do you stay in love with these children? That constant negative drip on your emotions and heart has to take its toll. Do they ever show you any love or gratitude so you can keep going?"

I have found that, like in a marriage, the "in love" feeling comes and goes with each child. I never stop loving them but I do have moments when they are too draining, that I force myself to go the extra mile to prove I am always there for them. I do not like their behaviors towards me and on occasion find it hard to separate the behavior with the child. It is easier for me than anyone else in my life to do that. I have been told by professionals that that is the one of the keys to surviving parenting them.

I really have it easy with most of them. My reward is looking back to see how far they have come. With Cyr, I can see how close she is to me, she tells me things her friends don't share with their moms. We are connected and when I look at her every day, I see her smile and hear a giggle that wasn't there the first 2 years. She can cry when she is sad, laugh when something is funny, and yell when she is angry. She is an easy teenager, if there was one. I'm sure that will bite me in the butt soon enough. LOL

Ava is no longer stealing and destroying things. She is affectionate, sometimes too much but very sweet. She is a good student and is starting to make friends. She can now be trusted at other people's homes without a guard. That is something I was sure we would never be able to allow again.

Ella is a hard worker and will do anything I ask. She is able to talk about what is on her mind and process it with me. She is working hard at school and is catching up to her peers.

Emma has her anxiety under control with meds and has been trustworthy forever.

Gia is a bit of a whiner with her mother but I couldn't complain about another thing. She is adjusting and doing well.

Eddie came to us last year as a full blown brat. He was impossible to be around without irritating you. He was defiant and had so many "fears" he couldn't be left alone in a room to bathe or go to bed. He screamed for hours for attention He is one of the joys in my life now. I have no problem with him wetting and pooping on himself as long as he takes care of it himself. That is literally, the only issue he still has. His lack of attention span gets him in trouble but he never causes trouble or acts up. He is one of the funniest kids I have ever met.

Kiera is attaching and is now quite anxious about it. How could I possibly be upset about a toddler that wants to hug me, sleep on me, and follow me to the toilet to help me? She adores me and the feeling is mutual.

I guess that just leaves 4 that are difficult. Their issues are not their fault. They are hard to look past, yes. They take up a lot of my attention, yes. While they are holding it together they are wonderful. They are affectionate, thoughtful, and kind. Three become psychotic and lose control. It's not their idea to ruin their afternoon. They want to enjoy life so how could I not jump right back in with them when it's over? Only one enjoys the chaos. She is smart and knows what to say to pull me right back in. I received an unsolicited note last night from her that said, "Dear Nana, I know I am having a hard time right now but I don't know how to control my anger. Can you please help me?" Of course, I'm always willing to try again. It is a good thing she is cute.

I figure that I have no choice, I have to love them. Without my love they would destroy themselves. I can't say I want to be around them all the time but I do love them, always.


Book Lover said...


I know you love your children. I just meant I don't know how you do it! I still don't other than you do truly, deeply love them. That is the only way you could endure this. You are definetly my hero. Our state (OK) is trying to come up with a respite care and more mental health support for adoptive parents. There was a family simular to yours in Tulsa who needed to disrupt their adoption, thus all the media attention on these issues. I would think this would be a "duh" issue, but apparantly not. Thinking of you this holiday season.


Kim Chrisman

Tudu said...

I wasn't offended, at all. I think it is a valid question and I get it often from professionals and other adoptive parents struggling with their own traumatized children. I appreciate the chance to explain a bit. I'm kinda running low on topics. LOL

marythemom said...

We get asked that question often as well, and I hope to some day get to the point where I really do love all of my children that deeply. Three out of four isn't bad right? *sigh*

Kate said...

It really is amazing how far these children have come. God bless you and them.

On a completely unrelated note, I have always been curious...were the sibling sets birth names all as unique as Patches' name is? (I understand if you cannot answer)

Violeta said...

Hello from Romania ,
please read the blog – My heart His words – at archive blog please look at November - Humbled and Convicted-

, my friend Tammy Nischan wrote them the story and some pictures of some hungryes poors kids , what we try to help them for Christmas .Our LORD will be so proud of us if we will do something! Many kids dont have food ,or Christmas tree becouse theu are so poors ! I fight so much to help this kids but i cant alone ~ if anyoane wants to know much more or wish to help in anyway you can please let me know email me at :
I love you blog,
sweet blessings and MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Tudu said...

Kate, their names were Britney, Patches, Destiny, Adrian, Ashley, and Casey. Destiny and Adrian were spelled wrong, Distiny and Adrain. The state fixed them on the birth certificates when they were babies.