Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Shunned

We took them to the park yesterday b/c it was 70 degrees. Yep, you read it right, Spring has snuck a few warm days in to get me all pissed off when Winter returns this weekend. My son humiliated me there. That is hard to do. The place was packed with mothers and their children. He threatened to punch Emma for getting to the monkey bars before he did. No biggie, right? I made the mistake of asking him if he said it. That's my crime. He proceeded to scream I was stupid and mean. Still no biggie, right? I mean after all, he does this all the time. I calmly requested he sit down on the curb and calm down. He then screamed louder and called me worse names. He went on to rip out his shoe laces and throw them down while sending daggers from his eyes at me. This is not particularly bad except when I turned around, every mom there was looking at me like I was the worst mom in the world. The tension was thick and no one made eye contact with me until much later. I want so badly to fit in with other families and it is really painful lately that it won't be possible for some time to come. To me, we feel like we are close to it, then we mingle with "normal" people and our issues become so obvious. It is so strange how some of their behaviors and issues become normal for us.

A woman approached me about an hour later and confessed she has a 12 yr old son with BiPolar and she understood. We ended up talking for about 15 minutes about our children and situations. Her other son rides the bus with all my kids and they are friends. She just lost custody of that son to his father b/c he doesn't believe the boy has it and discontinued all his meds. She is really having a hard time coping.

After we got home, Michael continued his tirade. He never fully recovered. He has begun yelling at me that he doesn't want to live here and wishes he had never let me be his Mom. I have heard that for several days now multiple times a day while his violence towards me increases. Last night, I had had enough and when he was done beating the front door with a giant stick trying to break the glass, throwing the rocking chair off the porch, and punching me I asked him to tell me where exactly he wishes he lived. Now, keep in mind I always forgive everything they say, he knows this. I was very kind and lowered my voice to a near whisper. I assured him that I was trying my best and I want him here with me but he has made it clear it is not what he wants. I felt I was holding him back from true happiness and was willing to hear his ideas on a better family. I would consider anyone he chose. I did this in a very loving way and expressed all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. Rosa and I both heard a very strange cry from him. It sounded very different from any other cry we have heard. It was like he was crying for the first time from sadness instead of anger.

It was hard to do that to him. I really think he needed it. We did discuss what are things he could yell if he needed to. I gave him a couple of suggestions that got him to giggle against his will. "Your feet smell!" or "So what, you have grey hair!" or "You are the most beautiful Mom ever!". I told him any of those would be fine and much less hurtful since they are true. I think he loves me, it's just in his own distorted way. I know I love him, tiny fists and all.

Huge news for Cyr. Ready? She spent the night with a friend!!!!!!!!! This is a first for her. She was so excited. She must have called home a hundred times. She had a blast. She was looking forward to sleeping in but I think she was too nervous b/c she got up very early with the mother. The girl's mother is a local school teacher but was unaware of our family and our situation. There were no younger children in the home so I felt OK about not sharing her history. I am trusting her more and more, please don't let me find out I am being snowed!!!!!

8 comments:

Lisa said...

Woo hoo for Cyr!

You're such an awesome mom, Tudu!

Michelle said...

Tudu, I'm so sorry for you right now. I've never made friends easily, so I understand the desire to have friends that you blend in with.

I hope the sad cry from your son is progress. He's very blessed to have you.

atlasien said...

Hi Tudu, I'm Atlasien (qvatlanta on Adoptionthreads). I've been reading and enjoying your blog for years but I've been a slacker as a commenter, sorry.

I do have a super big favor to ask you. Can you check out my last couple blog entries and give me any recommendations, especially about resources for learning safe restraints? My 6-year-old son is going through a rough patch right now and I have to keep him from hitting me when he goes into one of his tantrums.

He doesn't have attachment disorder (or if he does it's mild) but he has a lot of issues with controlling his anger and anxiety. He's on a low dose of an atypical antipsychotic but I think he might be outgrowing it.

Nichole said...

I'm sorry to hear how the other mothers reacted. At least it sounds like one person in the group knew what you were going through.

That behavior is frightening to people that haven't experienced it before and they really don't know how to react.

I hope some of them get a chance to get to know you better and realize what an amazing person you are to be helping these children.

Nicki said...

I can imagine it must be so hard to hear him say he doesn't want to live there. I think every child says that once in a while, but first of all when its your child from birth you can think, "too bad," but if its a child who you adopted, especially when he was old enough to realize what is going on, you might think. "Does he mean it? Does he really regret joining this family?" It sounds like he realized how bad it sounds when he says it, though!

Tudu said...

Atlasien, I sent you an email.

Nicki, I hear so many hateful things from my children that it rarely hurts. It may irritate me b/c they are so loud but I usually don't take it personally. I am not sure why it is so easy for me to separate myself from the situation when I hear others get so upset by their children.

carrielynn.gamms said...

Why did you keep Cyr's history from the mother?...That is terrifying. As a parent to these children wouln't you want to know who they were being exposed to? You have "trusted" a person who has exhibited sexually predatory behavior around another child in an unsuperivsed situation (the mother may have been home but it is unlikely that she was awake and in the presence of both girls for the stay in it's entirety); and with the possible victim's mother having no knowledge of who she has let into her home and around her own child. It's terrifying. This is not to say that Cyr did or would do anything inappropriate or predatory, but the possiblility (which exists more so than a child without the same history and current issues) is there. You endangered the life of another child and family based on your own trust and assumptions. It is good that you are building a positive relationship with Cyr, but don't let that cloud your protection and judgement.

Tudu said...

Carrielynn, what I didn't express was that I had discussed it with our therapist and did share that Cyr had boundary issues. I didn't go into all the details of our family size and multiple issues. As a teacher, she had heard a few things. I would never have sent her into a situation to harm another child. Appearance was extremely important to her and she was always terrified someone outside the home would find out what she had been doing with/to her siblings. The therapist and I both felt she was too preoccupied with that to offend outside the home. Boys are another story. The girl is desperate for their attention.