We took them to the park yesterday b/c it was 70 degrees. Yep, you read it right, Spring has snuck a few warm days in to get me all pissed off when Winter returns this weekend. My son humiliated me there. That is hard to do. The place was packed with mothers and their children. He threatened to punch Emma for getting to the monkey bars before he did. No biggie, right? I made the mistake of asking him if he said it. That's my crime. He proceeded to scream I was stupid and mean. Still no biggie, right? I mean after all, he does this all the time. I calmly requested he sit down on the curb and calm down. He then screamed louder and called me worse names. He went on to rip out his shoe laces and throw them down while sending daggers from his eyes at me. This is not particularly bad except when I turned around, every mom there was looking at me like I was the worst mom in the world. The tension was thick and no one made eye contact with me until much later. I want so badly to fit in with other families and it is really painful lately that it won't be possible for some time to come. To me, we feel like we are close to it, then we mingle with "normal" people and our issues become so obvious. It is so strange how some of their behaviors and issues become normal for us.
A woman approached me about an hour later and confessed she has a 12 yr old son with BiPolar and she understood. We ended up talking for about 15 minutes about our children and situations. Her other son rides the bus with all my kids and they are friends. She just lost custody of that son to his father b/c he doesn't believe the boy has it and discontinued all his meds. She is really having a hard time coping.
After we got home, Michael continued his tirade. He never fully recovered. He has begun yelling at me that he doesn't want to live here and wishes he had never let me be his Mom. I have heard that for several days now multiple times a day while his violence towards me increases. Last night, I had had enough and when he was done beating the front door with a giant stick trying to break the glass, throwing the rocking chair off the porch, and punching me I asked him to tell me where exactly he wishes he lived. Now, keep in mind I always forgive everything they say, he knows this. I was very kind and lowered my voice to a near whisper. I assured him that I was trying my best and I want him here with me but he has made it clear it is not what he wants. I felt I was holding him back from true happiness and was willing to hear his ideas on a better family. I would consider anyone he chose. I did this in a very loving way and expressed all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. Rosa and I both heard a very strange cry from him. It sounded very different from any other cry we have heard. It was like he was crying for the first time from sadness instead of anger.
It was hard to do that to him. I really think he needed it. We did discuss what are things he could yell if he needed to. I gave him a couple of suggestions that got him to giggle against his will. "Your feet smell!" or "So what, you have grey hair!" or "You are the most beautiful Mom ever!". I told him any of those would be fine and much less hurtful since they are true. I think he loves me, it's just in his own distorted way. I know I love him, tiny fists and all.
Huge news for Cyr. Ready? She spent the night with a friend!!!!!!!!! This is a first for her. She was so excited. She must have called home a hundred times. She had a blast. She was looking forward to sleeping in but I think she was too nervous b/c she got up very early with the mother. The girl's mother is a local school teacher but was unaware of our family and our situation. There were no younger children in the home so I felt OK about not sharing her history. I am trusting her more and more, please don't let me find out I am being snowed!!!!!