Thank so much for all the support. I deleted the previous post but am leaving this so new readers won't get too confused. I do need to clarify that the kids were not part of the issue. They haven't ever seen his issue. Michael is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. He has never brought drugs home nor does he drink very often anymore. The problem is that he refused to see that alcohol was a problem. He agreed drugs were and stopped many years ago. He will occasionally drink (convincing himself it wasn't a problem b/c he would only do it a couple of times a year) and he has to do it until he is completely passed out. He is one of the funniest people I know. He is the life of any gathering. He is adored. He is also out of control. He can't stop himself. He doesn't drive or get angry in any way. He just drinks and drinks.
The issue at hand is that he went to a birthday party with friends from our past. We do not have a squeaky clean past and that is what has helped us relate to our children in some instances. These people are no longer a part of our social life. He does have a work relationship with them and assumed things had settled for them b/c they are successful and seem to have it all. They had a huge party with ALL our old friends and he wanted to go. I refused but Rosa went. They got drunk and were offered some things that were an issue for him a long time ago. Being out of control and an addict, he relapsed. I have no doubt that he won't do it again but I refuse to allow him the luxury of living in our home pretending he can control himself. He needs to work on his addictions. He admits now he is an alcoholic as well but a little too late. I am deeply disappointed that he involved our daughter but make no mistake, she got it from others, not him. It is as if he has 2 completely different sides to him. He is ashamed as he should be.
I am confident we can find a way to make this work. It will never be the same. The kids deserve to have him in their lives b/c he is a good father. I just can't handle his crap while he gets himself together. I love him. He loves me. I refuse to be angry and fight about this. I have too much on my plate and this was the best way for ME to cope. We haven't fought once about this. Of course, he agrees with everything I say at this point. LOL Wait until he has been sober for a few weeks, then he will give me crap again. Until then, I will enjoy being right.
I am fine. I actually feel empowered the last 2 days. I will get through this. I have no choice. My only lingering issue is if Rosa plans to stay. She has lived here rent free since the end of October and I have asked her to pay our two smallest bills that run about $200 a month if she decides to stay. Given the issues with her son and mine, I am not sure she will. I will be fine either way. I can support myself and the kids just fine if I can find a way to purchase a 15 passenger van without a payment. That alone would save me $500-600 a month. We are trying to find things to sell to manage that.
Kids are fine. Emma is mouthy. Patches is s l o w l y improving. My son is doing as he is told. Cyr is fantastic. Ella is pitiful but that is usual. Ava is excited about the pool. Ruthie is worried about 5th grade next year. Kiera is a nightmare and she has them constantly all night. The child never sleeps. We finally got her Medicaid in place so that is a relief and I will be getting some advice on her issues soon.
About Me
- Tudu
- Deep South, United States
- I am the mother of 10 children, 6 are part of a large sibling group we adopted through foster care in 2006, 2 are our grown foster daughters, 2 are from independent infant adoptions in 2001 and 2008. Every one of them have their own issues to work through from Schizo-Affective Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Complex PTSD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Sensory Integration Dysfunction, ADHD, and Cerebral Palsy. Most of our children have been victims of sexual abuse by a close family member, most acted out sexually or exhibited predatory behaviors. We are currently trying to figure out where the trauma ends and mental illness begins in each of their lives.
10 comments:
i am sorry to hear about his struggles with addition. I hope that he will work the steps and power through to the other side. it really is a life long problem. i am keeping you and your family in my thoughts
As a alcoholic myself (once one always one-even though it no longer is an issue for me) and having abused drugs in the past as well I know how difficult it is and how much strength it takes to summon that self control. The fact that they were old friends might have had a lot to do with it as well. Not to make excuses for him, but I'm just saying I understand how hard it can be sometimes. If he can go to counseling or maybe go to some group meetings it might help him get back on track. Wishing you two the best...
prayers for you and your beautiful family.
I am glad you are feeling more empowered in all of this and it sounds like you have a good handle on what needs to happen for you to cope with all that has happened and needs to happen. I will continue to send positive thoughts and prayers your way. Can you say more about Kiera's current issues if and/or when it makes sense for you? I am wondering if she is hitting the night terrors and nightmares stage early due to stress and/or if she is still taking any meds. I had a foster child who hit the night terrors stage at 18 months and her asthma medication seemed to be contributing to it. She didn't have other stuff going on and was an only but her nightmares were sooooo violent and seemed to stress her out during the day too. Sorry for going on and on. If you want questions to help you get unstuck on the blog writing I guess I would love to hear you talk about Kiera. But honestly, I am always so impressed by all that you juggle with such caring, strength, humility and love.
Sorry to hear about how everything has gone recently, but glad the kids seem to be doing ok. Re. Kiera's sleeping - have you ever tried a weighted blanket? I was advised by other APs to try one over Hannah's really bad sleep issues/inability to tolerate holding. It arrived Tuesday and already she is sleeping better, more peacefully and staying covered up. It also helps her when she starts getting 'upset'. I got my from an American mother who has her own business making them: very high quality, great service and considerably less money than many of the professional producers. I can send you her link if you'd like.
For the past two weeks or so, I have been cathing up on your ENTIRE blog....since the very very begining. I just read your last entry from today and am realing. I can't decide of you are a saint or like your children...a "crazy" (using your words). And please do not take that like it might sound. I am actually saying it with love and compassion. I just do not know how you do it. I am a behavior specialist in my local school district and work on a daily basis with children just like yours. I have worked in mental health and social services for almost 15 years (and I am only 35 years old). I have NEVER heard of anyone like you. I guess what I'm trying to say is...thank you. Thank you for loving the "unloveable". I too love working with children who have suffered extreme traumas. They are usually the most difficult and the ones that nobody else wants to even come near, much less develop a relationship with. Most people who I tell this to feel akward like I just said I like working with lepers. I think...maybe....you might understand me. Just like I understand you...I think. I am grateful for the fact that you have done a miracle for your children. I am touched. I am moved. I am in awe.
Wow.That's a lot to handle even nfor us moms who have the luxury of kids without neurological problems.I hope the financial situation gets itself sorted out, I hope that everything else runs as smoothly as possible (I know, too much to hope for) and that he will take the help he so needs to stay off the poison.
*hugs*
I hope everything manages to fall back into place Tudu, and you get your van. Praying for you x
I'm exhausted for you! But my prayers are constant!
I too just wanted to give you some support. How you are holding it together, I don't know. Hang in there.
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