Monday, May 04, 2009

I want to post, really, I do. The kids are fine. Not Patches but the rest are. She was suspended from school again today for 2 days. One of Cyr's friends called this evening to find out what happened b/c her sister is in the same grade and heard "the crazy girl got suspended" and knew it was her sister. That alone makes me sad enough to jump off the roof but it is more than that. I have been struggling with depression for about 6 months. It is taking over my life. I love my children so much and have hopes and dreams for them that are never going to happen. It is almost too much for me to accept. Some of them will never recover and will more than likely become worse. How will they survive as adults? How will I be able to help them? What damage will they do to others and themselves? Will they have the same fate as their parents? Are they better off living in a facility? I could go on and on.

I will be fine. I have begun taking an antidepressant. I realized one day not too long ago that it was necessary when I didn't want to leave my room. I had crossed a line that was way out of character for me. I threw a fit that taught my kids a few new moves. It was not me. I am spent. I know so many of you can relate. On paper my life sucks. I have no social life, my marriage is stuck on the hill of the roller coaster trying to parent these kids, I have tons of people in our house that can not be reasoned with, my house smells like pee, my laundry never ends, we are broke all the time, I have lost the ability to have fun, no one is nice to me without wanting something, and my birthday and Mother's Day are on the same day this year so I get ripped off this year. Somehow all these things, except for the birthday thing, were true before but now I'm miserable. I will be happy again. I will write again. I'm just exhausted.

To top it all off, I have begun having hot flashes. I am only 37, OK, 38 next week. I am also late for my period. If I turn out pregnant, I will be serving time for murder. Not sure who I will kill but I can assure you someone will pay. I am pretty sure all will be fine, I mean, I couldn't possibly get pregnant after all this time. That would be cruel. I just recently decided 9 is enough. Kiera is a handful and babies are not that cute at 2 AM, then 3 AM, and then 4 AM. I am sure most of you are thinking, take a test. That would give it too much credit. I will wait it out. If something tries to crawl out in about 9 months, I was pregnant. If I start, I'm not.

My son is a thief. He has stolen at least 7 things from school without them giving him consequences.

Ruthie had her IEP and they brought in the Psychologist. This year they were supposed to reevaluate if she should be in the MID class. Her IQ soared from 56 to 65. I had hoped for a miracle. I really expected it to be in the high 70s. It took everything I had to keep from crying. We are still waiting for results from the private evaluations.

Our party is in less than 2 weeks. May 16th. The kids are really excited. I am dreading getting the house ready.

I keep thinking about moving to my sister's town. With the school changing here, it would actually be a great time to go. They will be changing schools anyway. I miss her so much. She can't fix things for me but she makes me feels normal for a little bit. We have lived across the state for 2 years, before that we saw each other every day. I can't imagine packing up again and moving b/c it was so horrible last year but I want to.

Still no change in in the trial stuff. Looks like end of July.


Jensboys said...

Just wanted to say I care. Here if you need someone to chat with and that you are constantly in my prayers. I know no easy answers and I know (without a doubt) your burden is just too much, but I also hope you know you have friends (even if they are far away) that are thinking of you.


Lisa said...

I'm here for ya honey! I'm available for a hot date too but it'll cost ya. hee hee.... I'll bring the preg test the reading and let you know in 9 months.

If moving out of D'ville will bring you back closer to me I'm even available for packing.

Anonymous said...

Tudu, oh how I wear those shoes as well. When T's IQ jumped from 53 to 56, I was devastated. When she met ZERO goals on her IEP for the third year in a row I was devastated. I was swirling around in a toilet and just praying for someone to please flush me down. I'm glad you started on anti-depressants. I hope they help you as much as they helped me. And if they don't, switch. There are many to choose from and some make things worse rather than better.

ldw said...

Yeah, I've been there. When I couldn't go to work for a week because the mere thought of dealing with one more person than I am legally bound to was overwhelming. I went to a gyno visit and bawled my eyes out. Poor lady, she offered up any meds I wanted. Good thing is, they worked. That was almost 6 months ago and life is so much better. Actually, it's not - it's 10 times worse but I can actually handle it now. You will too. I am sorry, please know it will get better and those aren't just nice words. Hang in there and God bless.

skywalker9 said...

I don't know what to say besides I'm really sorry that life has got you down.

I also have nine kids, no major issues, and I know how stressful that is in itself.


Abby said...

So where do we send gifts? =)

Lorie Hope said...

Tudu, you have been my online friend for years, and the only one I haven't actually spoken to and would love to.

You have always been a rock in my eyes and every time I think about complaining, I think of you and think...why bother, it will never be as bad as she has it. And your children a beautiful and you are changing their lives, they are much better off with you.

I love you!!!! I recently have thought about taking meds too, with 4 kids 3 and under in my house, I have been over run with clutter and laundry and I cry a lot because of it...for me, I just need a vacation...but for you, there is no real vacation from your life.

I think moving near your sis would be an awesome thing and you should schedule a weekly or bi-weekly dinner, just the two of you to vent and giggle.

You are beautiful and you too my dear need a break...I pray you get one soon!

Marthavmuffin said...

Oh dear, I hope you find an antidepressant that will work for you. Lexapro worked for me when I was in a slump and also Wellbutrin. And on top of all that being perimenapausal. Try Black Cohosh for that.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Dia por Dia said...

It's so good to hear from you even if you are in a tough place. I was getting concerned. You're an amazing mom and those kids know it; they just can't show it yet. Heck, if they need motivating and reminding of that just send a couple of them a bit further south (and west) to my house for some respite and they'll see how good they have it there. I have sooo many great chores they can do around here.....

Remember, we are out here for you and thinking about you so give a holler or a whimper ok? Hugs!

Maia said...

I am very glad you are trying to figure this out. You are an awesome person and don't deserve to feel crappy. Take care!

Accidental Mommy said...

I feel like I could have written this post. Moving sucks but if I had one family member that I could trust, just one, I would do it.

Lorraine said...

You have prayers from me too, no answers, sorry, just prayers are all I can offer. I hope things get better for you.

Lyn said...


marythemom said...


You have my total empathy.

I too am on antidepressants (changing to a new one this week actually). Let's hope this works for both of us! (I don't recommend Lexapro by the way - MAJOR sideeffects).

Mary in TX

Mom to biokids Ponito(9) and his sister Bob(12)
Sibling pair adoptive placement from NE 11/06
Finally finalized on Kitty(13) on 3/08 - 2 weeks before her 13th birthday!
Finalized on her brother Bear 7/08. He turned 15 the next day.

" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

FosterAbba said...

I'm sorry things are so tough right now. Hang in there! I know there's been times where I've felt like I was circling the drain, so I understand how you feel.

I wish there was more I could offer besides my good wishes and online support.

Mongoose said...

I have not been a good friend to you. Reading your blog got so stressful I stopped a while back. I should have thought how much more stressful it is for you to live it and stood by you. I'm sorry I let you down. I don't know what to say to offer comfort but I think of you always, even when I'm not reading your blog. You're a very strong person, and it's sad that this has gotten to you so much. Take care of yourself. You can't always be putting others first.


Nichole said...

you sound like you need you Tudu time. Is there any chance you could recruit some help and have a weekend to yourself to recharge your batteries??

you so much for all of your children, don't forget about yourself


r. said...

I hope you feel better soon. I know depression, and it sucks. In fact I have my own theory as to why you see it so much on these blogs--not just the stress y'all's lives bring on, but also the fact that people who are too used to "normal" are much less willing to risk losing it by living a less-than-normal life.

Anti-depressants rock. But (sorry to be a nag), if you're going to be on them, then that is a good reason to take the pregnancy test. Some have been taken by pregnant women for years. Others, well, not so much. You'd want to know.

Hope you feel better soon.

Story of our Life said...

I hope you are feeling better! I jsut came across your blog (or maybe I've read it before jsut my mind isn't serving me very well these days).

Anyway...just wanted to let you know I care. If you end up killing someone - I'll understand.I've btdt - even though iwanted a baby so incredible bad - I could't bare the thought of having another person demanding something from me. Regardless...hang in there!

As for the hotflashes...I'm 34 going on 35...btdt doing it for a few years now. Well, it was surgically induced. Dang it all..



Michelle said...

Just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you often. I know it's not much, but maybe knowing so many people are rooting for your family will somehow make you feel a little better.

You are a wonderful mother.