I want to post, really, I do. The kids are fine. Not Patches but the rest are. She was suspended from school again today for 2 days. One of Cyr's friends called this evening to find out what happened b/c her sister is in the same grade and heard "the crazy girl got suspended" and knew it was her sister. That alone makes me sad enough to jump off the roof but it is more than that. I have been struggling with depression for about 6 months. It is taking over my life. I love my children so much and have hopes and dreams for them that are never going to happen. It is almost too much for me to accept. Some of them will never recover and will more than likely become worse. How will they survive as adults? How will I be able to help them? What damage will they do to others and themselves? Will they have the same fate as their parents? Are they better off living in a facility? I could go on and on.

I will be fine. I have begun taking an antidepressant. I realized one day not too long ago that it was necessary when I didn't want to leave my room. I had crossed a line that was way out of character for me. I threw a fit that taught my kids a few new moves. It was not me. I am spent. I know so many of you can relate. On paper my life sucks. I have no social life, my marriage is stuck on the hill of the roller coaster trying to parent these kids, I have tons of people in our house that can not be reasoned with, my house smells like pee, my laundry never ends, we are broke all the time, I have lost the ability to have fun, no one is nice to me without wanting something, and my birthday and Mother's Day are on the same day this year so I get ripped off this year. Somehow all these things, except for the birthday thing, were true before but now I'm miserable. I will be happy again. I will write again. I'm just exhausted.

To top it all off, I have begun having hot flashes. I am only 37, OK, 38 next week. I am also late for my period. If I turn out pregnant, I will be serving time for murder. Not sure who I will kill but I can assure you someone will pay. I am pretty sure all will be fine, I mean, I couldn't possibly get pregnant after all this time. That would be cruel. I just recently decided 9 is enough. Kiera is a handful and babies are not that cute at 2 AM, then 3 AM, and then 4 AM. I am sure most of you are thinking, take a test. That would give it too much credit. I will wait it out. If something tries to crawl out in about 9 months, I was pregnant. If I start, I'm not.

My son is a thief. He has stolen at least 7 things from school without them giving him consequences.

Ruthie had her IEP and they brought in the Psychologist. This year they were supposed to reevaluate if she should be in the MID class. Her IQ soared from 56 to 65. I had hoped for a miracle. I really expected it to be in the high 70s. It took everything I had to keep from crying. We are still waiting for results from the private evaluations.

Our party is in less than 2 weeks. May 16th. The kids are really excited. I am dreading getting the house ready.

I keep thinking about moving to my sister's town. With the school changing here, it would actually be a great time to go. They will be changing schools anyway. I miss her so much. She can't fix things for me but she makes me feels normal for a little bit. We have lived across the state for 2 years, before that we saw each other every day. I can't imagine packing up again and moving b/c it was so horrible last year but I want to.

Still no change in in the trial stuff. Looks like end of July.