Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Screw You, We Are Outta Here!

It's been 2 months since I've posted. A lot has changed. A lot more is coming. I want to post. I worry now about how tings will be taken and how I should write it and then I give up. I hate that our county not only took our daughter's siblings from us and lied to cover up their mistakes but also took this from me. Even though they violated my civil rights and drug me through the mud, they didn't pay, I did. It's not fair and I'm bitter. Every decision we make, we have to worry about how they will twist it. Twist it is exactly what they do. Even their own investigator warned us we were never going to be free from them and that it seemed to her there was some sort of weird thing going on without any real reason for it.

We've made the difficult decision to leave this county. This means moving an hour away from my favorite sister and her beloved family. I am heartbroken. It is the only choice we can see to keep our family safe. Once this choice was made, we had to figure out what areas to consider. For me, it was a no brainer. My hubby was a little slower to catch on. Now that the kids are so much healthier, we are craving socialization. I think they can handle it and they have managed beautifully every time we have tried. We want to be near our old stomping grounds and reconnect with old friends. The most important thing to me is to be near my amazing MIL. She has given so much of herself to our children, we will be honored to help her as much as she will allow us during her illness. If we had our way, we kidnap her and keep her for our own. All we have to do now is wait for our adoption credit to come back from the IRS. It will change our lives by allowing us to pay cash for a foreclosed property. No rent or mortgage. Just take a moment and imagine it.

I've mentioned a lot has happened. It has. Michael came and left. He made it 3 months at home before requiring residential again. We saw progress then his pdoc said some nasty things to him about how we should disrupt him and that our current safety plan couldn't be maintained. She wanted it in writing that she was against him being in our home bc he will never change. He tried to hang himself. He is 11. One thing led to another and he was allowed to be alone with another sexually reactive child while at a the psych hospital. I'm sure you can guess what happened. He was safer in our home than in a hospital. He is taking responsibility for his actions. I wish the adults in his life would do the same.

Cyr just turned 16 this week. I can't believe it. I am taking her to get her learners license today or tomorrow. Watch out world, here comes my girl. We are watching her bloom lately. She is socializing and having fun with friends. She has decided to do high school online next year. I have some reservations but she really wants it. If anyone can do it, it's her.

Patches is amazing. Don't tell her though. Every time I tell someone about how well she is doing, she becomes a lunatic for a day. She is allowing me to rub her back and even initiates hugs! She has even been able to let me correct her behavior without attacking me verbally. She did require a short hospital stay after an arrest and fingerprinting but we saw remorse and guilt afterwards. She is even developing empathy. We see genuine smiles and giggles every day. Even the little girls have noticed. I think the most shocking is how she adjusted her reactions to help Ruthie on Easter. She realized she was struggling and tried to help her. Seriously, first time she has ever tried to help a sibling other than Kiki. Big steps for her!

Ruthie lost her crap on Easter. She was and is doing very well. She just had a difficult day. She ended up hiding with scissors and cutting off the tips of her fingers while she was upset. She took her self harming behaviors to another level. We were in the middle of a major med change and I fully blame that for her actions. We saw her anxiety go through the roof a couple of months ago and knew something had to change. I hate med changes bc it's so hard on them. We had also been documenting a lot of paranoia, hallucinations, and delusions. She seemed to be living in her own world and just visiting us. She thought a lot of things were happening that were not. She didn't believe me when I tried to prove it. She has us all very concerned. We are waiting to get some intense services in place for her very soon. It is so much easier to deal with the mental illness without the anger and aggression. She seems to be heading towards the dx of Schizophrenia, too.

Ella is really gaining some confidence. She spoke to her teacher for the first time this school year just a few weeks ago. She is also teasing her twin about being Twin B in a loving and funny way. She has mouthed off to me for the first time. Huge for her. I clapped and cheered when she mumbled under her breath. She was a bit surprised. She has always been in victim mode and to see her step outside of that roll, is fun to watch. I'm hoping it doesn't bite me in the ass later. LOL

Ava is weepy again. I don't think she knows why and I'm clueless. I'm hoping this is just hormones. I have a feeling she is worried about losing her brother forever.

Emma is still struggling with her anxiety. It's on all our nerves. Our once very independent little girl can't spend the night away from us. She calls me a million times while she is trying to stay over. She is back to sleeping on my floor several times a week. Somatic symptoms are about to drive us all crazy. I can't even imagine how hard it is for her.

Kiki is her normal self. Mouthy, funny, smart, and bossy. We love her in spite of it. She just came over and washed my feet while I've been posting. She went on and on about how nasty my feet are. I looked down and commented on the lack of dirt on the wipe. She snapped, "If you could see what I see, you'd gag, too." This from a child that still screams for me to wipe her butt after she poops.

Thanks to all of you that have been emailing, we are all fine. Better than fine. Great!


Kate said...

It's so good to see a new post on your blog again.
So sorry about Michael. That is horrible everything that happened.
That's beautiful about Cyr, Patches, and Ella.
I feel for Ruthie and Emma-anxiety, somatic symptoms, and med changes really do suck!
I hope things are okay with Ava. I remember reading about her when she was very young and being so weepy.
Kiki sounds absolutely hilarious every time you talk of her. And beyond smart!

So glad to hear you're all doing well, overall. :)

Lisa said...

You know, some counties/workers are like that. It's like they cannot comprehend HOW you do what you do so they immediately jump to the conclusion that you are just very good at hiding your dysfunction from them. It makes no sense and there is no changing their minds. I know that moving will be hard (especially since I followed your last move and know how much work you did on that house!), but your peace of mind will be worth it!! Between cps investigations and community hate of our family - we are ready to be out of here as well. People just think they know what's what when they have no clue. It's sad that the adults in these situations can't just grow up and acknowledge our hard work and dedication to our families. I like my house and don't want to move necessarily, but I LOVE my family and am sick of defending my every move.

I am so glad that you're seeing improvement. Michael's situation is tragic, but once again, you're doing what is best for HIM, in spite of how you wish things were.

Barb G said...

Love you. You are an amazing mom, and I hope your move blesses you greatly!

Fighting for my Children said...

Nice to see an update from you again. hugs. U are an amazing mom to get through all this and be a loving mom. U must get a little frustrated at times but we all do.

Wandering Heart said...

I'm glad to see a post from you! I've been praying for you all and will continue to do so.

Lindsay said...

I'm so sorry to read about Michael and Ruthie. I hope they can find help.