Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Ch Ch Ch Changes

We are seeing some changes around here. One is Patches. For the last 3 days she has been amazing. I woke to her doing her chore the other day. I was scared. Then she volunteered to clean out the laundry room. Several hours later, I went to find her and was shocked that she had indeed cleaned and organized the entire thing. She did struggle a bit yesterday but pulled it together before damaging anything. We are still waiting for paperwork to come through for RTC. We hit a snag bc the pdoc we use left the office we work with without notice.

Ava is acting sneaky and mean lately. It is an annoying resurface of the old Ava. She is instigating trouble, hurting people's feelings for sport, and crying on cue. I think the stress of being the end of the year and moving is getting to her. I'm confident she will pull it together before I'm forced to bury her under the sandbox.

The move...I have tremendous guilt about moving again. I hate it for the kids. It's so hard on all of us. When you rent, you don't have a lot of choices. Now we will own. I can't believe it's happening. We asked for and received a Tax Advocate a couple of weeks ago that pushed our adoption credit through so we could get moved quickly. It's all been approved and now we wait for the check to be cut. Now we have a real estate agent and are looking for the right property. We will be paying cash for it and will be working our asses off to make it ours. This will change our lives. Literally. No mortgage? Who wouldn't love that?

We are making some room changes and security upgrades at the new house. The kids are excited about completely redoing their rooms. We are hoping to give Cyr her own room that she will set up like an apartment. She wants a futon instead of a bed so she can entertain her girl friends. If not, she will share with Ruthie and Emma. The twins want to switch to a twin over a full bed bunk so Kiki can be on top and the twins will have a big bed to share. They currently have a triple bunk but refuse to sleep separately so Ava's bed is always empty. The biggest change is not politically correct and may have many folks questioning my sanity. After much consideration, we have decided Patches and Michael will share a room, if he is ever able to return safely. We found so many good reasons to do this while the only negative thing is that they are a boy and girl, technically. They both are so much a like, in good ways. They have the same interests and issues. Patches is the safest child I know regarding personal boundaries. In other words, she hates to be touched, hugged, or even brushed up against. She can and will model good personal space. She can't allow anyone to break a rule without calling them on it. I mean the tiniest of infractions must be addressed. They both have difficult times at night with waking and hallucinations so they can comfort each other. They both enjoy the smell the of urine and need rooms decorated minimally. They are excited by this option. Since they have such high needs, they will have a camera in the room and motion detector outside of it. They will be able to share a bathroom without any worries other than the filthiness of it. It's a win-win.

Now we just need to find the house to fill our dreams with.

It's that time again. For the last 2 years I have vacationed with my fellow trauma mamas in Orlando. It is the most amazing thing I have ever done for myself. OK, it may be the only thing I've ever done for myself. If you relate to my life, you need to go. If not this year, next. Registration is happening this week. It's worth every penny. It changed my life in so many ways. The most amazing mothers are there and ready to welcome you. You will fit in. Go check it out. http://etaam2013.blogspot.com/

Friday, May 25, 2012

It's the last day of school here. Emma is graduating from the 5th grade. I will be joined at her graduation by the twins, Cyr, Kiki, Ruthie, my MIL, her other Mom, her other Nana, Poppy, and 2 of her other sisters. I say other to clarify to you. In our lives we rarely say bio, birth, first, other, or any of the numerous words to describe our extended family. They belong to all of us. We love them all through the good and bad. Emma was up about an hour early this morning. She couldn't sleep. Her anxiety was getting the best of her. She decided to shower and start her day. When she got out, I got up and painted her hands and feet with a new pretty pink. I fixed her hair and added a tiny bit of makeup to her face. She was so beautiful. I can still see the chubby little toddler in her almost grown up face. I love this child so much it makes my chest ache. I'm a little pissed she insists on growing up though. I'd like nothing less than to smush her into my lap forever. My little baby. My only one. Everyone else was walking and most were talking. Watching them grow up is so rewarding and sad at the same time. If 5th grade graduation is this hard, how the hell are going to give them away when they get married?????

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Best Mother's Day so far. I did say the f word before getting out of bed but Patches quietly went to her room stunned. Later she returned announcing that her meds had kicked in and she was ready to start the day over. We laid around and watched sappy movies and ate leftovers. I was thrilled to be drama free. I just had my birthday last week and the juvenile system scheduled Patches to see a judge in celebration. It was a waste of time. "You better stop hitting your Mom or I will have to think about detention or committing you to the state. How do you plan on stopping?" Patches stood and promised to use her coping skills. The judge seemed pleased with himself and nodded at me. I almost laughed. Seriously. It was stupid. We are pursuing residential treatment for her. I'm tired of being her punching bag and the kids are tired of her being in control of our family. Cyr has decided to try homeschooling. We have a great program here that is a virtual public school. She can earn her high school diploma and an associates degree at the same time. I think I may have to pull Ruthie from school and try it with her, too. She is really struggling. Both girls are pretty emotional lately. Ruthie is as close to a basket case as they come. Days in bed from depression and somatic symptoms. I was so glad the aggression stopped but this isn't good either. We are getting her started with play therapy and EMDR to help her cope a little better. It breaks my heart to watch her lay here and cry. We have increased her meds the last 3 months and took a break this month to see if she leveled out. I would say no. When she isn't crying, she is flat. She is working through feelings of guilt and and remorse for her past actions. I wish a band aid would help. She is one tough cookie. I know she will continue to work hard and get through this, too. Y'all just hide and watch.