I'm Gonna Be A Star!

It was brought to my attention that there was a little bit of negative activity going on about me on the internet. Little ole me? Yep, several sites are trash talking about my parenting and even me personally. It would've hurt my feelings terribly just 6 months ago. Not anymore. Talk away. I've been amused at several whoppers about me. Did you know that a big network is running a show about me and my family? (I hope money comes with that one) Or how about, I lost all my kids because I was abusing them? (that one's just silly) I'm getting rich of SSI for them? (none of my kids receive SSI but if they did, I'm confident no one is getting rich off SSI) I hope they keep them coming. A girl needs entertainment.

My son is home this weekend and had a rough start. He had a good week at the hospital but is worried he will ruin it for himself. He desperately wants to come home and professes his love for us every visit. I don't doubt him one minute. We all miss him, too. My only concern is how long his honeymoon will be here.

We have had an issue with the length of time my children hold their anger inside for strangers. They spend the week in an inpatient program and do exceptionally well. My 12 and 13 yr old daughters have even lasted a couple months without letting it go on staff. My son has been given an opportunity to stay much longer and has been able to feel safe enough to let it go with them. He has learned to control some of it and attempts to use his some of his coping skills. It was almost a relief others saw it besides the videos I had made of a few episodes. You begin to wonder if you are contributing to his rage or if it is your fault, in some way. The fact he has been dx'd by several professionals with a severe mental illness doesn't keep my mind from wandering to that. It has been helpful to get the RTC therapists' opinions and advice on helping him remain in control or regain control more quickly. They have 4-5 staff members, a separate safe room for him to rage in, and shots to calm him when they can't. SOmetimes their advice isn't possible in a home setting but we are willing to try anything. Unfortunately, they feel this is about as good as it will get for him and we are well educated on his needs.

We are pretty confident he will be returning home in July. I think we are ready. We have some new equipment lined up and the family has been prepared. He is small for his age. He is 11 and entering the 4th grade where he will more than likely be the smallest boy in his class. He is still easily managed physically here. I wish we didn't have to consider that part but it is one of the most important parts. The children's pyshical safety. Since the RTC is still finding the need to restrain him 1-2 times a week, I'm sure we will have to do several a month. They suck big toes. He insists I do them better than the RTC because he doesn't get hurt here. EVER. In fact, none of my children have ever been hurt by either a raging child or in a restraint. E.V.E.R. I am damn proud of that. They are, too. They know I will not hurt them and will not allow them to hurt anyone else. Kind of a silly thing to be proud of, if your living a regular old life with kids that have never been traumatized. It's a big deal to my kids.

My 12 yr old has required my intervention physically several times over the last month. I hate it. I truly despise having to hold her. It's not like she is the child I hate to do that to, I hate it with all 3. No mother should have to hold her child. No child should have to be held like that. It is a necessity. She becomes psychotic and lashes out at anyone that she comes near. We try to allow her time alone but she has a history of self injurious behaviors and false allegations. I refuse to be around her, in that condition, alone. I always have a witness. WHen she is calm, she is a doll. Kind, helpful, generous, and sweet.

SHe has recently begun to notice how others act and react. She senses she is different than most. She says she can not feel love. She is talking about it with me more and more. She gets that she is angry. She is very open that it is at her first parents. SHe is confused about her inability to keep that anger towards them and focuses it at me. SHe sees this. SHe wants to change. Once she gets the slightest bit upset, for any reason, she starts raging towards me. There are times, I have no idea what had happened because I wasn't even in the room. It will still be my fault. SHe can later talk through it and realize where it went wrong but still is unable to fix it or allow me to help her through it the next time. SHe will sob after that she knows I didn't do anything. She knows I am safe. She knows I will never hurt her. She also knows most people wouldn't keep her in their home with her behaviors. She clearly remembers blowing out of foster homes for attacking them. She is trying. I see real effort. I will keep loving her whether she gets it right or not. I hope she she is able to find a way to be happy some day. She deserves happiness.

My hubby is going stir crazy. He lost his job about 6 weeks ago. He wasn't fired nor did he quit. They simply ran out of work. He is someone that LOVES to work. It is driving him crazy to be here day after day. I hope it won't be much longer. Things are getting tight.