Sunday, May 09, 2010

Mothers

I spent the weekend prepping the new house for our family. We picked out paint and began the long process of repainting the entire house. I am exhausted and the kids are passed out.

Today Kiera's Mom came to visit. We were so thrilled her boyfriend was able to stay this time. He suffers from one of the most severe cases of social anxiety I have seen first hand. He is a sweet and gentle man that can't bear to be around people, much less talk to them. He enjoys the kids and helped them dump a ton of sand in their new giant sand box. WHen I say a ton of sand, I mean an incredibly large bag that had to be put in the truch with a forklift, ton of sand. Literally, weighing a ton. They worked their little hearts out. We picked up Kiera's sister so she had a ball with her family today, burying them in it.

Mother's Day is so hard for my children and their mothers. It is a big reminder of their loss. With every wish from others for me to have a happy day, I think of the ones I share the day with. The one that sits in prison for her crimes against our children, the one that traveled out of her way to pick up and drop off our daughter so I could paint a little longer, and the one that that cried in my kitchen because she desperately wants to spend time with our daughter. My relationship with all of them is so unique. I can honestly say I love them all.

It was hard for people, including my family, to understand why I wanted my children's mothers so involved in our lives. I just knew it was critical for my children. Two of them are actively involved in our family but we are in different stages with them. Emma's Mother has been with us for almost 9 years. She is considered family by every one of our extended family and is included in everything. She has struggled with addiction and the loss of her children. SHe has worked very hard to regain custody of 2 of them and build healthy relationships with the other 2. SHe still aches for the loss of her girls but has moved forward. Emma spends the night at her home and her Nana's regularly. Not a day goes by that I don't speak with her Mother on the phone.

Kiera's Mother's wounds are fresh. She cries easily about her girls. She wants to see them unsupervised and is having a hard time accepting that will take time. I want us to get there. There are many reasons we are not. SOme of it is trust, past mistakes, but the biggest part is Kiera. She is so shaky with her attachment. SHe is so desperate for me all the time. Nights are horrible. I think it would be too confusing at this stage and the therapist agrees. I feel like such a jerk telling her to wait. We have to build trust. It was one of the hardest things to tell her. I want her to have the relationship Emma has with her family. I know we will get there but from where she is standing, it seems impossible. We talked about the steps we need to take to get there today. I try very hard to be honest and upfront with her so she will learn she can trust me. I will do exactly what I say. Now that we are going to be a little closer, I'm hoping she will spend a few weekends with us and her daughters. Another step closer to unsupervised. I am hoping her family takes us up on some visitation, too.

2 comments:

Penny said...

We currently have only 2 foster kids. I am wanting more....

Kate said...

You are beyond thoughtful. Amazing mother. Happy mother's day to all the moms!