Thursday, May 28, 2009

Thank so much for all the support. I deleted the previous post but am leaving this so new readers won't get too confused. I do need to clarify that the kids were not part of the issue. They haven't ever seen his issue. Michael is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. He has never brought drugs home nor does he drink very often anymore. The problem is that he refused to see that alcohol was a problem. He agreed drugs were and stopped many years ago. He will occasionally drink (convincing himself it wasn't a problem b/c he would only do it a couple of times a year) and he has to do it until he is completely passed out. He is one of the funniest people I know. He is the life of any gathering. He is adored. He is also out of control. He can't stop himself. He doesn't drive or get angry in any way. He just drinks and drinks.

The issue at hand is that he went to a birthday party with friends from our past. We do not have a squeaky clean past and that is what has helped us relate to our children in some instances. These people are no longer a part of our social life. He does have a work relationship with them and assumed things had settled for them b/c they are successful and seem to have it all. They had a huge party with ALL our old friends and he wanted to go. I refused but Rosa went. They got drunk and were offered some things that were an issue for him a long time ago. Being out of control and an addict, he relapsed. I have no doubt that he won't do it again but I refuse to allow him the luxury of living in our home pretending he can control himself. He needs to work on his addictions. He admits now he is an alcoholic as well but a little too late. I am deeply disappointed that he involved our daughter but make no mistake, she got it from others, not him. It is as if he has 2 completely different sides to him. He is ashamed as he should be.

I am confident we can find a way to make this work. It will never be the same. The kids deserve to have him in their lives b/c he is a good father. I just can't handle his crap while he gets himself together. I love him. He loves me. I refuse to be angry and fight about this. I have too much on my plate and this was the best way for ME to cope. We haven't fought once about this. Of course, he agrees with everything I say at this point. LOL Wait until he has been sober for a few weeks, then he will give me crap again. Until then, I will enjoy being right.

I am fine. I actually feel empowered the last 2 days. I will get through this. I have no choice. My only lingering issue is if Rosa plans to stay. She has lived here rent free since the end of October and I have asked her to pay our two smallest bills that run about $200 a month if she decides to stay. Given the issues with her son and mine, I am not sure she will. I will be fine either way. I can support myself and the kids just fine if I can find a way to purchase a 15 passenger van without a payment. That alone would save me $500-600 a month. We are trying to find things to sell to manage that.

Kids are fine. Emma is mouthy. Patches is s l o w l y improving. My son is doing as he is told. Cyr is fantastic. Ella is pitiful but that is usual. Ava is excited about the pool. Ruthie is worried about 5th grade next year. Kiera is a nightmare and she has them constantly all night. The child never sleeps. We finally got her Medicaid in place so that is a relief and I will be getting some advice on her issues soon.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Shit has Hit the Fan

When I say I had a bad weekend, it doesn't even begin to describe how it went. I also discovered that my son has been touching my grandson. We are all reeling from that. We never suspected a thing. My gson is clueless that the "game" was wrong or hurtful. I reported it but am still waiting to hear back from the AT. We have put some things in place for their safety.

I am way too comfortable with this crap. I am tired of being the only sane one in my family. I am tired of keeping things together for EVERYONE. Things are going to change in that area. I am 38 years old and today is my 14th wedding anniversary. I will find a way to be happy. I will keep my children safe. I will survive and I will drag them with me, kicking and screaming is fine. I will be back soon, give me a minute to gather myself.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I am trying to get myself together again. I dread opening up Blogger. I don't want to be negative about our life. I hate that I am feeling that way. I feel beat down about so many things. I am still able to play and tease the kids but my drive to keep a clean house and stay on top of things has slipped away. I can't find the energy to plot and plan ways to make them cope with their issues. I really want them to just be better already. Selfish, I know. With the Summer coming, I am not sure how I will fill their days but I hope to get a grip in the next couple of weeks. I am feeling a bit better after a few weeks on an antidepressant.

On to an update....

I had 2 more IEPs this week for Ella and Patches. One was great and was stressed me out to the point I bit my lip until it was bleeding. I am sure if you have spent any time here, you know which one was who. Ella is testing at grade level! She has made huge improvements since Christmas. She is becoming more and more independent and they are confident she will be able to drop services if she keeps it up another year. The only thing that holds her back is confidence. She needs one on one for her to attempt things but she is very competitive.

The other was my dear Patches. I won't sugar coat it. She is in serious trouble educationally. They knew it was going to be bad and asked a principal into the meeting. This is a first at this school and I have had 17 of them there in the last 2 school years. They all wanted to promote her to the 6th grade and I begged for her to be retained and placed in a contained classroom. They claimed she would be mainstreamed in elementary and could be placed in a resource class in middle. I asked many times what they do with their other emotionally disturbed children and they told me they mainstreamed them. We went round and round to the point I was nearly in tears. I refused to let them see me cry. The entire time the county school psychologist sat in a chair behind a huge bookshelf. She stepped around the corner and handed the principal a note when I began to question their story. A moment later they told me about a program for severely disturbed children that will be in our home school next year and is more of a therapeutic environment. I was livid. I knew they had been lying. It turns out they only take a few students and you have to meet certain criteria. They claimed they couldn't make this decision then that I had to wait until next year. I am a tad more than upset. You all know me well enough to know that I am going to be on top of their rear from the first day. I will not let this ride. So with that information, I agreed to promote her to the 6th grade.

Cyr is doing well in school. She is still shocked at all the drama that surrounds her. She refuses to believe it is anything she has done. She is becoming a social butterfly. All of the sudden she has plans every night and expects me to drop everything to bring her to her friends house. I don't and she is very angry but handles it well.

Patches is still having episodes, daily. She refuses to do her chore. She screams and cries for an hour. She breaks things and tries to cut her self with them. She pulls out chunks of her hair and I am not sure how the child isn't bald. She beats her head against the floor and walls. My favorite part is when she yells about how mean I am and that she will hate me forever. She has improved so much that she is no longer hurting others when she is in this state. She will threaten to but hasn't actually made an attempt in over 2 weeks. I am so proud of her. She is also trying to address situations BEFORE they happen. She knows she can not handle dancing in front of other kids so she asked me how to handle it. I suggested she talk to her teacher about it before the event and see what she thinks. They worked it out that she would do it behind the teacher and she was able to handle it. Huge progress, I'd say. She had an accident today at school and had decided she didn't need extra clothes anymore so I had to take her with me to the AT for the other kids. It was a disaster. She had to sit in her pee and when Michael called her "Stinky Pete" (I always call them crazy names and he wasn't really calling her stinky b/c he had no idea she smelled from across the room) she went off. She melted down in the office. It continued after we left and I had to return to their office b/c she was trying to strangle herself with the seat belt. We have an hour drive and I had to wait until she was safe. They couldn't believe her mini meltdown. All they kept saying was, "You sure have your hands full." Our regular AT wasn't there so it was just a therapist.

Ruthie is still losing time. It is very strange. No one quite knows what's going on. I believe her. She is upset by it.

Michael hasn't hit me in about 2 weeks. His daily Vistaril is really helping. He told me today that he is worried he will hurt someone someday. We share that same concern. He talked about some heavy stuff in AT. He said the only safe sister he has is Emma.

Emma has developed a mouth on her. It is getting really bad. She won 2nd Grade Idol this week. She does have a nice voice when it isn't being snotty.

Ella is working hard on her stuff and I am proud. Not much else to say.

Ava isn't stealing. I am thrilled but can't tell her b/c she will start back up. She is the master of hiding at chore time but that's about it. I am pleased with her progress.

Kiera. Kiera. Kiera. She is a hot mess. Nightmares after her mother came to visit were so bad that she is frightened of me in the middle of the night until I turn the light on. It is sad and very scary. They usually die down after a week or so. I had to take the beast to the ER b/c she bit a plump tick and swallowed the blood. It was disgusting and nothing they could even do. I wish the doctor wouldn't have suggested I take her.

Any questions? Maybe that would get my brain moving.

MarthaMuffin, I have sent you an email and posted on your blog. You said you wanted something, I'm here. Feel free to post a comment about it, if you wish, I will not publish it.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

Getting ready for our party is a pain in the you know what. I was excited until I realized I would have to find a way to finish painting.

I had Michael's IEP this morning and it went better than I planned. They agreed to minimize his homework for next year to save me a few bruises. He doesn't turn it in anyway even if he does do it. They have to test him b/c he is turning 9 over the Summer. I was glad to hear he has made progress. It only took him 2 years of Kindy and 2 in 1st to be on a beginner 1st grade level. Woo Hoo. They were acting like he was doing so great. I calmly reminded them he is 9. I have to be realistic, they were talking about him catching up. He will NEVER catch up. I expect him to progress every year, a tiny bit.

Ruthie had a major blow out today with Rosa. So much for me taking a minute to myself and going to the store.

I also wanted to welcome my sister's teacher. Don't believe ANYTHING she says, we are all sane and she is the one with issues.

Monday, May 04, 2009

I want to post, really, I do. The kids are fine. Not Patches but the rest are. She was suspended from school again today for 2 days. One of Cyr's friends called this evening to find out what happened b/c her sister is in the same grade and heard "the crazy girl got suspended" and knew it was her sister. That alone makes me sad enough to jump off the roof but it is more than that. I have been struggling with depression for about 6 months. It is taking over my life. I love my children so much and have hopes and dreams for them that are never going to happen. It is almost too much for me to accept. Some of them will never recover and will more than likely become worse. How will they survive as adults? How will I be able to help them? What damage will they do to others and themselves? Will they have the same fate as their parents? Are they better off living in a facility? I could go on and on.

I will be fine. I have begun taking an antidepressant. I realized one day not too long ago that it was necessary when I didn't want to leave my room. I had crossed a line that was way out of character for me. I threw a fit that taught my kids a few new moves. It was not me. I am spent. I know so many of you can relate. On paper my life sucks. I have no social life, my marriage is stuck on the hill of the roller coaster trying to parent these kids, I have tons of people in our house that can not be reasoned with, my house smells like pee, my laundry never ends, we are broke all the time, I have lost the ability to have fun, no one is nice to me without wanting something, and my birthday and Mother's Day are on the same day this year so I get ripped off this year. Somehow all these things, except for the birthday thing, were true before but now I'm miserable. I will be happy again. I will write again. I'm just exhausted.

To top it all off, I have begun having hot flashes. I am only 37, OK, 38 next week. I am also late for my period. If I turn out pregnant, I will be serving time for murder. Not sure who I will kill but I can assure you someone will pay. I am pretty sure all will be fine, I mean, I couldn't possibly get pregnant after all this time. That would be cruel. I just recently decided 9 is enough. Kiera is a handful and babies are not that cute at 2 AM, then 3 AM, and then 4 AM. I am sure most of you are thinking, take a test. That would give it too much credit. I will wait it out. If something tries to crawl out in about 9 months, I was pregnant. If I start, I'm not.

My son is a thief. He has stolen at least 7 things from school without them giving him consequences.

Ruthie had her IEP and they brought in the Psychologist. This year they were supposed to reevaluate if she should be in the MID class. Her IQ soared from 56 to 65. I had hoped for a miracle. I really expected it to be in the high 70s. It took everything I had to keep from crying. We are still waiting for results from the private evaluations.

Our party is in less than 2 weeks. May 16th. The kids are really excited. I am dreading getting the house ready.

I keep thinking about moving to my sister's town. With the school changing here, it would actually be a great time to go. They will be changing schools anyway. I miss her so much. She can't fix things for me but she makes me feels normal for a little bit. We have lived across the state for 2 years, before that we saw each other every day. I can't imagine packing up again and moving b/c it was so horrible last year but I want to.

Still no change in in the trial stuff. Looks like end of July.