We are fine here except a nasty hurling virus is sweeping through the house. I'll be back when we all recover, make that, when I recover. LOL.

Weepy? Me?

I'm a bit weepy today. I am rarely weepy. Usually, I am able to compartmentalize things until I can deal with them privately. I keep finding myself thinking about my kids that aren't here. I filled up with tears when I saw Country Strong was on again, when I saw a post about Soul Sisters meeting up, Emma told me she cried at her friend's house last week because she missed me, and now as I write this. Not sure what is up.

I know it hit me hard when I got a second call about my son this weekend from the RTC. He has had to be restrained twice and he received another shot. It breaks my heart. They said he pushed all the kids buttons looking for a fight until he got one. We've seen that more times than I care to admit. I miss him enough to forget how awful his behaviors are and how hard they are on our family.

What Is It Really?

We have a sitter and are going to the Visitation set up for tonight. We couldn't manage the funeral because the kids would come home alone and we all know THAT wouldn't turn out well.

On a completely different note, I spoke with Michael's family therapist yesterday and it seems after our meeting last Friday, we are closer to all being on the same page. They were missing key information and I shared some things that made them look at the whole picture. Some of the confusion is that he mostly hallucinates at home. He rarely shares what he is seeing because he thinks they are real, unless they are scary ones. I have learned to read him and ask a lot of questions to figure out what is going on. They thought it must be PTSD flashbacks since it was happening at home. I had to explain that his meds are controlling his hallucinations and that they do reappear when he is under stress. He is stressed at home because home with his siblings trigger stress for him. He is only sharing with me because I ask the right questions. He would never offer it up to anyone unless he was frightened and looking to be reassured he is safe. Flashbacks should be exactly that, a flashback to the traumatic event. He sees things he has never seen, talks to people that say things he has never heard, he thinks things are completely different than other people around him do. He is not in our world sometimes. He has different players than we do. He is shocked and surprised and you can see it on his face. They are not flashbacks.

We also discussed that when you are surrounded by a certain disorder, you tend to see any symptoms familiar with that disorder as that disorder. They are surrounded by RAD and PTSD. They see his behaviors that relate to that more clearly and may miss the others. How could he not have it? He lived through a childhood with numerous foster families, all kinds of abuse, and severe neglect. The psychiatric hospital that sees my son when he is having scary commanding hallucinations because he is psychotic, sees Schizophrenia. Another doctor in the beginning saw PDD-NOS because he made no eye contact, wasn't social or able to read social cues, was delayed developmentally, and didn't play like other kids. Another felt his hypervigilance and lack of attention must mean ADHD. His speech therapist thinks his inability to process his thoughts is a speech disorder.

So who is right? I don't know. I know I see RAD, PTSD, BiPolar, MR, and Schizophrenia. I'm not a doctor. I do know my son. I know he wants so badly to be a good boy. He wants to be "normal". He wants to learn. He wants to feel love. He is terrified of being loved. He is tormented by the people and things he sees. He can't catch up in school and doesn't try because he feels hopeless. He was traumatized in his first family's home and thinks about it often. He sabotages himself. He is depressed and withdrawn because he can't connect with others. He becomes aggressive and violent when he is frustrated. He has a strong family history of mental illness. Does it matter what it is called? Does it matter if it is from trauma or a mental illness?

I go back and forth on that. Truly. Sometimes I need a name for it. I can put off all his difficult behaviors on that. It's not his fault. It makes it easier to accept it all. Other times I feel if we just figure out a way to make it better for him that it doesn't matter what it is is. Ask me tomorrow and I'll feel differently. It changes constantly. The only thing that hasn't changed is his symptoms. He is very disturbed and whether or not I have something to call it, he is miserable and struggling. The professionals can't agree or figure out what the Hell it is so how are we supposed to? He is the one suffering. All I want to do is make him feel better so he can grow up in our family feeling loved because he deserves at least that.

She Opened Our Minds

My hubby and I knew a young woman years ago that was dx'd in her late teens with Schizophrenia. She was the only person I knew that had a mental illness that didn't try to hide it or acted like she had any shame for it. I'm not sure if she actually felt that way but it looked that way. I asked her many questions over the years and witnessed a couple of breakdowns. My hubby was closer to her and dated her one Summer. She shared her fears and thoughts openly with him.

Without knowing it, she has had a huge impact on the way we feel about mental illness and how it affects our family. We teach our children they have nothing to be ashamed of. You don't need to whisper when you talk about it. It is no different than having Diabetes or any other chronic illness. The symptoms are much different but they are just that, symptoms. They require meds to keep it under control. They need family support to find the strength to keep trying. They are under a doctor's care to help guide them. It is nothing but an illness.

We lost touch with this friend over the years, as most of us do. We talked about her fondly. Her and I reconnected last Fall during our chaos and I had the opportunity to get her advice about the illness. She told me her dx had changed over the years and symptoms came and went with stress. She was very supportive and helpful. She felt we were on the right path about the shame and had some thoughts about that. Her paranoia about being watched was shared but she wasn't clear who was doing it and I didn't ask.

She shared she had married and has children. She is mostly stable and felt she was on top of things. She gave us hope. We saw that our children may have quirks and struggles but they could lead a "normal" life that could include a spouse and children. A hope that we desperately needed. She promised to bring her children to our big birthday carnival this year so we could catch up.

My husband woke me very early this morning by shoving his cell phone in my face. He was frantic. He couldn't read his FB on his phone without his contacts in and all he saw was a status update with her name in it. She had recently deleted her FB account and we had wondered numerous times what happened. We still aren't sure why she did that. The update was letting her friends know she had passed last night.

There was no going back to sleep after that. Worry set in. A selfish worry. One of the biggest concerns we have is the suicide rate for people with Schizophrenia. We are terrified one or both of our children will find life too hard and take their precious life. For a couple of hours I cried for her family and ours. Then I got a response from another of my hubby's ex girl friends telling me that wasn't the case for her. They think it was her heart.

Nothing can make her family feel better about the loss of their mother, sister, wife, and daughter but I wish they knew just how she helped our family cope with our life. The strength we found from our long ago friendship when we first heard the dx for our children. Knowing her and her struggles made the unknown with our kids seem possible.

I know in my brain that her life has no real connection to how my children live out their life. I know that. Her illness is different because every one's is. Yet, somehow, even her death has given me a tiny bit of hope for my children. She will never be forgotten. My children will continue to hear stories about the girl that taught their parents about mental illness and how to look past that illness and see the person. She made us better parents to our very special children. She taught us patience for people that seemed different. We are eternally grateful to have had the privilege of calling her our friend.

No Visit

We knew there would be fall out. The RTC decided they are liable for my son on visits and have stopped this weekend's visit. I completely understand their position but at the same time, I KNOW we can handle him. It's not that it is even just him, they are also concerned about Ruthie. I get that, too. I see her reaction last weekend as progress.

Maybe a weekend off would help them both but what if they feel it is a consequence for her being honest? We all know that no matter how hard I try to convince her otherwise, she will continue to believe whatever she has built in her mind. For what it's worth, I'm very proud of both of them. Life is hard for them and each time they make any effort, it should be rewarded. Most people would give up and die. The fact they keep trying and want to feel better says amazing things about them.

Ruthie has been sick and vomiting this week. My hubby is thinking this is psychological. Since he usually doesn't notice these things, I blew him off. (I know, bad wife.) Now I'm wondering if he wasn't on to something. (See, I do value his opinion and thoughts. It was only a temporary lapse in judgement.) No one else has been sick and usually it runs through here like a wild fire. Time will tell.

We are all excited about a day visit with their Aunt Michelle and Uncle Floyd at the lake. We have barely seen them since Ruthie came home and nothing since his accident. He is home now and is back to reality. He remembered his wife, family, and life. He is walking again and is able to care for himself during the day. Of course, as we know from my hubby's 2 traumatic brain injuries, this will be a life long struggle for them. They are up to it. It may have saved his life. He has since quit drinking completely. We wish nothing but the best for them. We are all excited to give them some giant hugs Saturday.

But He Didn't Get Violent

Life has changed here so much since this time last year. I can barely speak of the kids we lost. The pain is still deep and fresh. Right before we lost them, Ruthie, Patches, and Michael entered 2 local residential treatment centers for intense therapy and interventions. Patches and Ruthie were at the same one and were released WAY too fast. The RTC didn't take the time to wait out their honeymoon and see their behaviors or get to their intense feelings. They let them down.

Luckily, Patches learned a few somethings from her brief stay outside our home that did make up for their lack of ability to treat her. She learned that she would come back here because we love her and she is a part of our family no matter what, we aren't as bad as she thought, we are safe, we do what we say we are going to do, we aren't the only family with children that struggle, and she never wants to leave us again. She used to throw fits that lasted hours and screamed things about never loving us, never returning to us for Xmas, wanting to die or kill us, and other things trying to express how deeply hurt she was feeling. To say that her feelings were over the top for the situation is an understatement. These episodes were happening because her sister moved her shoes to her room or she was asked to take the trash out. Anything could trigger these events that would usually end in a restraint to protect her or me.

Ruthie's return wasn't so easy after she was released. We had safety issues to work through. We did just after the holidays last year and she has been here since. She, too, learned many of the things Patches did.

Michael still has not returned home full time. We are transitioning him now. The hospital is hesitant to release him because he is still having some serious issues. He is aggressive, delusional, impulsive, and is hallucinating again. I'm sure most people would think, "Why would you bring him home then?". While they RTC is hesitant, they agree with us that this is probably the best he is going to be able to manage. This is his life. He deserves to be in a family. He is a good boy. We aren't your regular family and can handle his issues safely here. We are prepared and willing.

To say our home and lives are drama free would be a lie. In comparison to our lives prior to their hospital stays, it is calm. Patches is stepping up in ways that bring tears to my eyes. I never thought we would get to a place that I could trust her to make a good choice, be responsible for another person, or want to help her family. She chooses to be a part of us, has taken ownership of us, and wants to protect me. Huge stuff for her. She's not perfect. She has moments and stress gets to her much worse than your average gal. She pushes through. Ruthie is talking. She is sharing her feelings and thoughts. She wants to feel something for us. She is trusting me with her scary stuff. She is taking direction from me with minimal homicidal/suicidal threats. We still see deep anger come out but she moves past it quicker. Michael has been a model son (our version of a model child, of course). No violence on his visits.

He maintained that this weekend and that is huge for him. Keep that in mind when I tell you about his visit. No violence is big, it's progress.

He was off from the moment he set foot in our home Friday. OFF. Nearly every interaction with his siblings turned into a squabble. We all have our days so I tried to help him through it. Then he turned on me. He kept saying, "everybody is lying on me". It turned into the theme of the weekend. We are used to crazy lying here. He commonly accuses others of attacking him or turning situations around and becoming anger that they are lying. I witnessed him "misunderstand" all of us over and over. He began to seem deeply hurt. That was new. He remained calm. he talked through it every time. He was very confused. When I say this happened 30 times, it may be an understatement. He eventually asked to go to bed. It began all over Saturday.

I could see he was escalating and was concerned we would have to take him back early. I called both of his therapists. They had some great advice and we were able to salvage the evening by watching a movie quietly. Sunday was great. He sat at the table with his Dad and put together the coolest Lego tank that shot crap at us. He thoroughly enjoyed shooting us with tiny spear things. We ate dinner and he and Ava played some more while the table and dishes were being done.

Out of no where, he got rough with Ava. He began to kick her and punch her. She half laughed out of shock and he took that as confirmation it was ok to continue. We starting talking about why he decided to do that. It became clear when the other kids chimed in that he had been doing it to them and they didn't say anything because he wasn't angry when he was doing it. They felt like he was roughhousing and even though he isn't allowed to touch them, E.V.E.R., they felt like they handled it. It quickly turned into, "you are all lying". He didn't get violent. He didn't agree with anyone and was again, confused. He kinda stomped off into our dining area. My hubby could see him and we heard him throw the Lego tank to the ground and it shattered. When my hubby cried out, "WHY?" in his frustration, Ruthie began to lose it.

Ruthie has a history of attacking me when her brother is out of control. She is triggered and becomes psychotic. We can't make her understand he is safe, that he needs our attention right then, or that it is him that is having the issue, not me. I can't reason with her. Most times, I have to move from Michael to keep Ruthie safe from herself. I fully expected that from her last night when she began to cry. Our attention as a familoy turned to help Ruthie since Michael seemed to be holding his anger in check. SHe expressed anger towards my hubby for the first time. SHe talked about what triggered her. How she was feeling. She even decided to separate herself from the situation to calm down. How is that for amazing?

Michael took this very moment of progress and bolted out the door. Usually, when he gets agitated, we turn on the door alarms to all our out going doors. He seemed to be fine and it never even dawned on any of us. The kids saw him run up our back drive. I ran out to find him but he was gone. I had to call the police and the RTC to help. He was found a ocuple miles up the road getting dangerously close to the interstate. We live on a major road and he has run into traffic in parking lots so I was a mess until he pulled up in the back of a cop car.

Poor officers never know what to expect about why these things happened. They have to consider he was running from an abusive home. They kept him separate from us and spoke to him about why he left. Having such a severe processing issue and speech disorder, they kind of gave up. He ran to my arms and began sobbing into me. I comforted him and asked if he was ok. I told him I wasn't mad and was so glad he was safe. I pointed out this may have not gone well but no one was hurt. One of the 4 officers began to chuckle, "I guess he's alright here.".

When everyone calmed down, I took him back to the RTC. He acted like nothing happened. With all that drama, all I kept saying was, "but he didn't get violent". I'm really proud of him for that. Now I get to spend time on the phone with his therapists. We have to figure out what the heck is going on with him. I refuse to see this as anything except a moment of success for him. He is changing. He may never have things competely under control but I see a light.

Poor Daddy

We recently made a decision to put a tracker on our 15 year old's cell phone. There wasn't anything going on that we were worried about, we just thought it would be a good way to keep up an eye out for problems. We were shocked to discover texts revealing some previous scary activities. We thought things were worked through and discovered there were other things to worry about last night.

I won't go into details but will say that we are so glad we caught this pattern of behavior. This is a child that is respectful, attached, and genuinely a very sweet child. She has worked hard and we couldn't be any more proud of her. With all of our love, support, and work to build her self esteem, she found it extremely hard to avoid the path so many sexually abused children go down. We are in the process of helping her realize she is worth so much more than what she thinks she is.

I hate that her world has to be so small to protect her from herself but that's the only way to keep her safe. The things that stands out for this child is her ability to see her mistakes for what they are, listen and follow our advice, and want better for herself. She will work through this. We all knew there would be growing pains during the teens years. The only person I'm concerned about is her poor Daddy. He wants to strangle any boy that "takes advantage of his baby" even if there is proof and admissions that is isn't a victim at all.

I spent 2 hours at a neuro psychiatrist today for Michael. This lady really listened and described my child amazingly well. She will do an evaluation to figure out how to help him overcome his intense processing issues this October. At the end of our appt, I made one for both Patches and Ruthie!

Ruthie has already been taken out of regular classes! Her case manager/special ed teacher is awesome! Ruthie came home yesterday crying that she felt so out of place. Her teacher had already spoken to the asst principal this morning when I got there to change her to the resource room for all subjects. Ruthie came home very relieved today.
I wanted to announce, I'm working on a book. Who knows how long it will take but it will eventually come. I'm scared to death!

Are They Back?

It's back to school time here! We went to the schools Thursday and Friday to meet all the teachers. Everything went very smoothly except for Ruthie. Poor kid. She is so stressed out that the district is throwing her back into a regular 7th grade class. She will change classes every period and be surrounded by tons of kids. Considering she has an IQ of 56, can't process her thoughts or words, can't remember names or find her way around, gets confused easily, has a history of false allegations against kids/adults, is sexually charged/reactive/predatory, and reads at a 1st grade level, this is a huge disservice to her. The county won't listen to me. They think they know her best since she doesn't share her thoughts and issues with them. She began shaking the minute we headed to the school and until she fell asleep after taking her PRN and sleep meds.

We are being positive in front of her but are very worried. She has worked so hard to get her behaviors under control and to be thrown back into reg classes will be a nightmare. The last time she was in reg ed classes she became extremely sexual at school and home. She had to be hospitalized and eventually had to be placed outside our home for her safety and ours. All that doesn't matter because she didn't rage at school. She held it in. She honeymooned because she was only there a few months. She keeps asking why they are doing this to her. I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm extremely disappointed.

Michael is home this weekend and will probably be home for good in a month or so. We are ready for it. He is excited and nervous, as he should be. With his discharge nearing, we had another mtg w the RTC about transitioning. We will have a team of professionals involved with our children in our home. They will come right on out to us. I'm hoping they are considerate of the kids weariness of strangers/professionals. After DFCS destroyed our family last Fall, they will be even more scared to have people in here, regardless of their intentions.

It was my choice to invite them. They will not be involved forever, only to help Michael, Ruthie, and Patches find a way to cope with all of this stuff. They will assist our entire family but those 3 blow out with every new transition and we want nothing more than to help them manage their behaviors and emotions successfully. With each new success, they build confidence, skills, and trust. They deserve to be successful.

All of this causes my son to become stressed. He took the dog out to the fenced in area off our back door last night. He was on the porch about 5 min when he came running back in when he came running back in as pale as a ghost. It took him a minute to get his words out. He saw a big man crouched down by the fence with a mask on. The man stood up and then ran thru our woods to the main road. If you're fairly new here, you are concerned for his safety, thinking we should call the police and lock all the doors, and move. If you know us better, your heart is breaking for him. Hoping against hope, my hubby jumped in the van and flew down to the road to see if anyone was walking down there. I went to the neighbors to ask them if they had seen anyone. They were on their porch and couldn't have missed the guy. No one saw anything. I must have looked defeated. My lovely new neighbor offered me a glass of wine. I hesitated and accepted. I called the hubby to let him know I was fine, no one saw anything, and I'd be home after the wine. When I returned home, my son asked me if it had been real. I calmly explained the situation and he cried. All he wanted to know is if the hallucinations are back. Unfortunately, I don't know but my heart is breaking for him.

When Will Michael Come Home?

I had a big meeting with the RTC my son lives in this week about discharge. We were told to expect it soon back in March and then we all thought July so he would start school here. Neither happened. They are no where near a date now.

The monthly review we get in the mail says he has been physically restrained numerous times and had to be chemically restrained a couple times this month. His moderate behaviors (4-6 times a week) are aggressiveness, conduct, oppositional, distorted thinking, sexual acting out, impulsivity, anxiousness, depression, and social withdrawal. He is only minimally challenged (3-4 times a week) by self injurious behaviors, hallucinations, poor hygiene, manic, and elopement attempts.

What that boils down to is he has 14 good days a month. He can't manage his emotions and behaviors. He is often easily disregulated. He has significant peer conflicts that stem from him starting the argument, the peer starting it, or more often a misperception of the situation. He is very defensive if it is suggested he has a role in it. He puts himself into others' conflicts not related to him and remains agitated. He refuses to use the skills he can easily describe when calm. To top it all off, he has a nasty habit of running out the door and has to be blocked or chased in this condition.

Remember when I used to talk about how my children hide their issues in school or around outsiders? I have been slammed for that by people claiming it MUST be me causing all this. It took awhile for him to feel like he lives there but now he does. He also feels like he is visiting us. Guess what happened? We don't see ANY of those behaviors here on his weekend visits. NONE! The same thing started to happen with Ruthie before she returned home. It's nuts.

After almost a year there, the RTC is thinking this may be his best. He will never be like other boys his age. He is so stunted developmentally that to "catch up" is not a possibility. The damage is done. When you add trauma and mental illness to the mix, his normal will need to be adjusted.

They would like to put all kinds of services in place for us before his release. I was all for it but am beginning to have a few doubts. It will mean we have numerous (6) professionals in our home weekly. While I welcome their assistance and advice, I worry how the kids will react. They freaked when DFCS was stopping by monthly last year for Emma's sibling group. I can only imagine their reaction to 6 people in and out of here. What if they weren't experienced with kids this tough? We have heard it from all of the professionals we have worked with, they are extremely difficult to reach and develop trust with. They run out of ideas. They never give up but there comes a point the kids aren't progressing any further in therapy. We do so much more work at home and bring it to their attention to reprocess. I have an enormous amount of respect and trust in the therapists we have worked with but I know these new people will not be nearly as qualified. Maybe I'm just getting cold feet because it's unknown. I'm not sure which way we will go. I'll have to talk a bit more with them, I think.

Summer is almost over here. Next week we have their open houses and back to school on Monday. I'm over the moon! They are really excited, too. Poor Kiki will be bred to death with just me and the dog.

Speaking of school, I took the kids shoe shopping last night with my sister and mother. All went well until it didn't. Kiki has way too much energy and we switched out the person that had to chase her up and down the aisles. Literally, this person had to run up and down. She paused briefly to be kneed in the nose and I picked her up to comfort her screams. Completely focused on her, I was surprised by the water I felt splashing on my feet. It only took a few seconds to feel the warm sensation on my stomach and I quickly realized she was peeing on me. Good times, people. My mother and sister laughed really hard. They were much more amused than I was. The poor 18 yr old salesperson was visibly relieved when I offered to clean it up, if she would bring me paper towels. On my way out the door, a little old man stopped me to tell me that was the quickest clean up he'd ever seen. He thanked me for the entertainment and wished me a good night. I'm glad every one had a good time. A little pee was worth it.

Happy Birthday, Emma!

Emma and her sisters-Kalee 12, Kyndelyn 11, Gracie 9, and Emma 10

Emma turns 10 this week. I can't believe it's been 10 years! I remember our first night together. She wouldn't stop crying. She had horrible gas and I assume abdominal pain that has continued nearly daily her entire life. I rocked and rocked. I fed her. I changed her. There was no relief until I laid in the guest room with her directly on top of me and rocked. She went out. I drifted in and out, terrified I would roll over. After a couple of feedings and a clean diaper, she all quiet and sweet for my husband when he finally strolled out of bed. He was convinced she just liked him better. Of course, he quickly learned that wasn't necessarily so.

She has grown into such a great kid. She is funny, has a beautiful voice, is thoughtful, tries so hard to do the best she can, worries about others, and has perfected the ability to look busy instead of actually doing anything. I can't imagine my life without her. She is a joy to parent and love. I even love that she sneaks into my room several times a week with a sleeping bag in the middle of the night just to sleep near me.

Ten years later, Emma has a fantasticly open adoption. We live 10 minutes from her Mother, 2 sisters, Nana, Poppy, and Uncle. We coordinate her holidays, vacations, and special occasions with her first family. Some are way more important to them than us so she spends it with them. The 4th of July was one of those. Her birthday is the day after her sister's so we have to plan a bit more. This year she will be with us the day of but will be picked up for dinner with them and spend the night. I love that she has this option.

It's not easy. We've worked hard on this relationship. Some of us are more committed to it. We had a major issue just a few short weeks ago. One that I feared we wouldn't overcome easily. One with screaming, threats, police involvement, and tears. I do not take it personally. I know they have emotional issues that do not allow them to react calmly. I was surprised at how big it got. I remained as calm as I could and as usual, made sure they knew I wasn't ever going to give up, I was here for them, things would be ok, and I loved them.

Things have since blown over. We've talked about it in small doses. They wish it would just go away but I have to make them work through it. They need that and so do we. Our shared child didn't know any details. She became physically ill for days and required medical intervention to regain control over her emotions. She is her Mother's daughter. The difference is that our daughter will grow up with the rules, stability, love, and support her Mother did not have.

She Scared The Shit Out Of Me

Teenagers can really suck big toes. The normal stuff they do is hard on your relationship with them and throw in trauma histories and it's enough to break your heart. I am very disappointed in one of my children. We had a scare last year and since then we have kept her extremely close. We moved an hour and half away and refused to allow face to face visits after such a horrible breach in our trust. I thought we were good. We were until my husband and I took back our social life and began spending a few hours a couple times a month with friends or out alone. We hired a babysitter we love and trusted to sit with them.

Since my kids are early to bed, by 9 PM the house was always quiet. This person thought it would be OK to allow my child to invite the boyfriend we do not allow her to see unsupervised by us over to spend some time alone with her in her room. His parents, knowing we do not want him here, allowed him to get a ride with his uncle. I guess she was trying to be cool. My child is a great kid with so many amazing qualities I couldn't begin to make you understand in a silly blog. She has one major flaw. She can't make the right decision when given a choice if her life depended on it. She has proven numerous times that when faced with a dilemma, she will choose to be cool instead of saying no. She did it again. Unprotected sex.

I tend to be a pretty positive person. I am really calm in a crisis regarding my kids and am able to find some positive in the situation. I amazed myself last year when faced with this issue. I amazed myself this year with a complete loss of control over my voice and emotions. I feel we all make mistakes as young people. We should learn from them. I can handle these mistakes once. It seems I am not so good with twice. I feel like she not only let herself down but our entire family, as well. I am angry that the person that was here to protect my children let us down, too.

I have strong opinions about things that many of you may disagree with. I think that drinking and driving is known to cause serious accidents that kill people and they should be charged with attempted murder. Seriously. I think if you are aware you cold get pregnant by having unprotected sex, having it would mean you are trying to get pregnant. I think women should have a choice to have an abortion and shouldn't be forced into any decision. The last one seems to have flown out the window when it comes to my own child. All of the sudden I couldn't bare the thought of having her raise a child in my home. All I can think of as a solution was abortion. I knew it wasn't fair. None of it was fair. It really shocked me.

I discovered some other things about this child throughout this process that I can't go into too much here. She has not been as open with us as she led us to believe. Of course teenagers hide things from their parents. That is their job. I feel it is my job to investigate and find those hidden truths. I will not be confronting her with them because they are not dangerous. They just show she is so unprepared for a mature relationship. She presents as an extremely mature young woman when in reality she is just a young girl desperate for a boy to love her.

Her test was negative. We though we were doing enough to protect her. We will take further steps to cover her butt until she is truly ready to raise a family in the way they will all deserve. It showed us that we all have a lot of work to do on ourselves and with each other. Even the best kids in the world need us much longer than they want. Even the best supervision can be compromised if they are dedicated enough to finding a a weak link.

Even though I want to keep her even closer now, I know she is going to have to learn to make good choices on her own. There is only one way she can do that and it is with practice. If she is being such a doo doo head and she is so well adjusted, what the heck am I gonna do with the other 7 teenagers? For one year, I will have 7 teenagers all in my home. That will probably be a great year for the blog. Stay tuned....

Kiki's Version of a Joke

After much practice w her Dad, Kiki tried to tell me a joke.

Kiki-Knock. Knock.

Me-Who's there?

Kiki-Banana

Me-Banana who?

Kiki-Knock. Knock.

Me-Who's there?

Kiki-Orange

Me-Orange who?

Kiki-Knock. Knock.

Me-Who's there?

Kiki-Apple

Me-Apple who?

Kiki-Aren't you glad I'm not a banana?

Of course, I laughed hard.

I just wanted to check in and let you know, I'm still here. It will be a few days before I post again. It takes too much work to post from my Blackberry and the internet is down until Tuesday. My poor thumbs are arthritic from typing!

Did you know that when you stay with a certain cable co (c0mc@st) for many years, you miss out on all the current deals and they just increase your rate each year? I'm embarrassed to say my cable, internet, and phone was $300 a month for that very reason. I decided to look around and found out how badly we were being made love to and took immediate steps to rid our lives from this beast. My hubby is a little irritated I didn't coordinate the new w the old so we could continue coverage through the holiday. What can I say? I felt robbed. He did get a bit emotional when he found out our new monthly total for the same 3 services will be $114. Wouldn't you?

Kids are all safe and have been coming and going from various aunts and friend's homes. They are having a ball. We have had 2 of my nieces here a couple of times, too. Ava is in FL w her bff for a week! With as little as 5 kids sometimes, our house is super quiet. We've been to the lake too many times to count this year and have many more lazy days there to come.

I'm Gonna Be A Star!

It was brought to my attention that there was a little bit of negative activity going on about me on the internet. Little ole me? Yep, several sites are trash talking about my parenting and even me personally. It would've hurt my feelings terribly just 6 months ago. Not anymore. Talk away. I've been amused at several whoppers about me. Did you know that a big network is running a show about me and my family? (I hope money comes with that one) Or how about, I lost all my kids because I was abusing them? (that one's just silly) I'm getting rich of SSI for them? (none of my kids receive SSI but if they did, I'm confident no one is getting rich off SSI) I hope they keep them coming. A girl needs entertainment.

My son is home this weekend and had a rough start. He had a good week at the hospital but is worried he will ruin it for himself. He desperately wants to come home and professes his love for us every visit. I don't doubt him one minute. We all miss him, too. My only concern is how long his honeymoon will be here.

We have had an issue with the length of time my children hold their anger inside for strangers. They spend the week in an inpatient program and do exceptionally well. My 12 and 13 yr old daughters have even lasted a couple months without letting it go on staff. My son has been given an opportunity to stay much longer and has been able to feel safe enough to let it go with them. He has learned to control some of it and attempts to use his some of his coping skills. It was almost a relief others saw it besides the videos I had made of a few episodes. You begin to wonder if you are contributing to his rage or if it is your fault, in some way. The fact he has been dx'd by several professionals with a severe mental illness doesn't keep my mind from wandering to that. It has been helpful to get the RTC therapists' opinions and advice on helping him remain in control or regain control more quickly. They have 4-5 staff members, a separate safe room for him to rage in, and shots to calm him when they can't. SOmetimes their advice isn't possible in a home setting but we are willing to try anything. Unfortunately, they feel this is about as good as it will get for him and we are well educated on his needs.

We are pretty confident he will be returning home in July. I think we are ready. We have some new equipment lined up and the family has been prepared. He is small for his age. He is 11 and entering the 4th grade where he will more than likely be the smallest boy in his class. He is still easily managed physically here. I wish we didn't have to consider that part but it is one of the most important parts. The children's pyshical safety. Since the RTC is still finding the need to restrain him 1-2 times a week, I'm sure we will have to do several a month. They suck big toes. He insists I do them better than the RTC because he doesn't get hurt here. EVER. In fact, none of my children have ever been hurt by either a raging child or in a restraint. E.V.E.R. I am damn proud of that. They are, too. They know I will not hurt them and will not allow them to hurt anyone else. Kind of a silly thing to be proud of, if your living a regular old life with kids that have never been traumatized. It's a big deal to my kids.

My 12 yr old has required my intervention physically several times over the last month. I hate it. I truly despise having to hold her. It's not like she is the child I hate to do that to, I hate it with all 3. No mother should have to hold her child. No child should have to be held like that. It is a necessity. She becomes psychotic and lashes out at anyone that she comes near. We try to allow her time alone but she has a history of self injurious behaviors and false allegations. I refuse to be around her, in that condition, alone. I always have a witness. WHen she is calm, she is a doll. Kind, helpful, generous, and sweet.

SHe has recently begun to notice how others act and react. She senses she is different than most. She says she can not feel love. She is talking about it with me more and more. She gets that she is angry. She is very open that it is at her first parents. SHe is confused about her inability to keep that anger towards them and focuses it at me. SHe sees this. SHe wants to change. Once she gets the slightest bit upset, for any reason, she starts raging towards me. There are times, I have no idea what had happened because I wasn't even in the room. It will still be my fault. SHe can later talk through it and realize where it went wrong but still is unable to fix it or allow me to help her through it the next time. SHe will sob after that she knows I didn't do anything. She knows I am safe. She knows I will never hurt her. She also knows most people wouldn't keep her in their home with her behaviors. She clearly remembers blowing out of foster homes for attacking them. She is trying. I see real effort. I will keep loving her whether she gets it right or not. I hope she she is able to find a way to be happy some day. She deserves happiness.

My hubby is going stir crazy. He lost his job about 6 weeks ago. He wasn't fired nor did he quit. They simply ran out of work. He is someone that LOVES to work. It is driving him crazy to be here day after day. I hope it won't be much longer. Things are getting tight.

"Bad Black People"

Things are so quiet around here without our friends. We are keeping busy with some deep cleaning and lots of time at the lake. We've had a couple of interesting events there over the last couple of weeks. When the Murphys were still here, we had the first incident. We live in a predominantly white area so a majority of the folks at the lake are white. A family/group of 10 or more AA people were there one afternoon. My friend and I lazily sat under the giant tent she brought and watched our kids splash around having a ball. This other family included 2 mid 20 yr old men that were more than a bit obnoxious. They were playing but had already injured a young child in their group and were scaring another. We had asked our kids to move out of their way after the men nearly trampoled our 3 yr olds. The men had a hard time staying confined to the rest of the lake and came crashing into our little area nearly taking out our little ones again. Both my friend and I jumped up began yelling to get them to halt instead of stomping all over our kids. This pissed them off. How dare the fat white ladies tell them what to do? Yes, they said that. We tried to explain we had pulled our kids out of their way if they could just stay to the left, all would be safe. That didn't sit well with them. They began making nasty comments and insulting us. We heard things like, "bad black people", "artificial insemination", "fat lesbians", and so on. We remained calm and polite after I informed them it wasn't artificial insemination, it was adoption. We eventually left. I can't bring Kerry anywhere without a scene. LOL

The kids and I were enjoying the lake again yesterday and as we were cleaning up our stuff I heard a kid crying. I assumed it was my little cryer and looked up to see what was wrong. To our surprise, it was a barely a year old little brown boy. I looked around to see if his mother was heading our way to get him. No one. His tiny feet were burning in the sand so I picked him up and began to search for his family. I looked directly at 3 famiies that were staring at me and asked if he was theirs. You hate to assume because they are white that he doesn't belong with them. No one was claiming him. There wasn't anyone near us or within hollering distance that was claiming him. I began heading towards the wooded picnic area. I saw from a distance that the family/group from the other day were there on blankets smoking and laughing. I yelled out to them as I approached and asked them if they belonged to him. They stared at me. No one responded. I looked back to the beach to make sure there weren't other people of color I missed. No one. I continued walking toward them and asked again. They saw me. They heard me. They stared. Maybe they were stunned after the other day that I was coming to talk to them, I don't know. Finally, a woman jumped up and walked towards me. I smiled, relieved they did know him. No thank you. No apology. She grabbed him and walked off holding her head back so her cigarette smoke didn't get in his face. I stood there shocked for a few seconds before turning around to gather my kids. When I got back to them, one of my kids tried to confirm they were the same family from the other day. My kids have issues with words coming out of order and hers came out, "Thats the bad black people from the other day?" instead of "Is that the people that said they were bad black people from the other day?" Her eyes became very big asshe tried to correct herself. She was mortified. I was so glad no one was within ear shot and quietly helped her correct herself. I can't wait to see how things go the next time we run into each other!

We have had a bit of news about their uncle. He is awake and off life support. They confirmed he had received a traumatic brain injury. He is aggressive and aggitated. It brings back so many memories for me from my husband's 2 previous head injuries. Right now they are worried about getting him home and all I can think of is how much their lives are going to change. How much he is going to change. Memory loss is difficult but the personality change is devastating. You feel powerless to help and things seem hopeless at times. I wish I could help. Instead I sit here reminded of our own history hoping they do not suffer long.

Our friends left a few days ago and we have been busy picking up the emotional pieces since. During their stay, a phenomenal thing happened. We found ourselves not being nearly as strict as the kids are used to. I didn't constantly count heads to see they were all accounted for. I made sure the ones that need to be watched were assigned to an appropriate guardian but didn't obsess about every child,s every move. We didn't follow normal routines such as bedtimes and bath times. Meals were by the seat of our pants. My children did extremely well but the aftermath is not fun for any of us.

Patches flew off the deep end last night and told me, make that screamed from the top of her lungs, that I'm a terrible mom because I let her get away with too much when they were here. The crazy thing is that I had been worried that maybe I was harder on her than the others during their stay and if I just let up a little, she would come around. She had 3 rages while they were here. Nothing over the top but frustrating for both of us. In the end, she has been able to share with me that she is just overwhelmed and not sure what to do with her emotions. What a big girl she is turning into.

We have a little more drama adding to their emotional roller coaster. My sib group's favorite uncle was in an accident on Friday. He rolled his truck and was thrown clear from it. He was life flighted to a trauma center and was put on a ventilator. They have tried to take him off twice but he can't breathe on his own. We are trying to minimize things for the kids hoping he will recover quickly.

Please forgive all the misspellings, I can't use spellcheck.

Day 2

I kinda skimmed right over what happened to our family that caused me to stop blogging. I'm sure most of you heard through the grapevine that we were accused of all kinds of things. Stupid things. What it boils down to is they were untrue. We stopped fighting for the 3 kids that were taken from us because the stress in the house became too much.

The county wanted them in another adoptive home and were willing to make up lie after lie to cover their butts. They had placed the kids here after a home inspection and background check with the intention of reopening our home to adopt them. We tried for months to get our county to follow through with what the other county started. They dropped the ball the kids were here 5 months without ever opening our home. Lots of rules and guidelines were broken and we began to see them back peddle.

All of the sudden, they had to remove the kids. First they blamed our other kids issues. When we proved we had things under control it changed to lies about drug use, poor health, and no job. We provided proof those were not true. Then they came up with potential psychological abuse caused by my blog. This came up in court and the supervising sw couldn't find any thing in my blog that would do that and claimed it was a feeling. She also stated I complained I was overwhelmed every day and posted that. We provided a copy of the blog and neither her or the Judge could find that I had said that more than a few times over a period of 4-6 weeks. Any one would be frustrated with so many kids and ones with high needs. I would go as far as parents of regular old kids with no issues get tired during the course of their parenting career. It happens. It doesn't mean we want to quit or need to have our kids taken.

In the middle of all this, our attorney asked why they felt the 3 kids were in danger but not the others. That ignited a spark in their county that led to a report being filed against us with our county. They had felt the need to remove our 3 children without notice because they were in such danger but waited weeks before checking on the ones that were legally ours once they found out we had a lawyer and refused to let them in without her presence. Once in, they didn't seem to understand the reason they were there. She did her job of seeing htge kids, talking to them, and looking around but we knew before she left that their attorney would be making this go away. There was no reason for this this visit. We were asked to remove their facebook pages that were not even under their real names and not post anything about them specifically. That was it. They had no issues with anything else.

We were offered a written apology for the way they behaved and treated us but refused to place the children with us since they had been moved to another adoptive home and our county refused to open us. The other county had the option of opening us but they were already in too deep to back off. The catch was we couldn't tell you about the letter. We declined.

It has been tough trying to move on after all that. Depression hit me hard. I have worked through it and slowly have returned to my old self. I will never forget those kids and they will always be a part of our family whether we are able to reconnect or not.

I understand some people read this blog and thought I was bitching and moaning about my kids. They think I chose to parent them for money or that this is some kind of business. I want this to be perfectly clear. I love my children, each one, regardless of their behaviors. I work hard to help them overcome them and heal from their pasts. They are well aware of my blog and have received numerous emails from readers that have found comfort, learned something, or were able to better understand their own pasts or their new children better. My children have found a great deal of relief to know they are not alone, pride that they are able to help others and it has been therapeutic to see their own progress over the years. I share what I share because I know there are other families with similar issues. They are in hiding because society says they should be ashamed of what has happened to them or the illnesses they have. My children have no reason to be ashamed. They are fantastic kids that have worked so hard to move past all that crap. It hasn't been easy on any of us. We have worked hard to include any and all safe family members in their lives and ours. We spend all of our attention, money, and energy on them. They are our world.

Sometimes I need a break from that world. I vent here, I spend time alone with my husband, I chat with a friend, or veg out in front of the TV for a little bit. They can't help they need so much patience or time. It is hard to remember that when they are lashing out at me with all the anger they have stored up for their abusers. It's hard not to take this all personally. It's even worse for them when they realize what they've done or said to me. They want to be here. They want to feel better. They want me to know they really care. It just doesn't come out that way sometimes. After all the hospitalizations one thing has been clear to all of us. They want to be a part of our family and be in our home as much as we want them here. It is our main priority after maintaining safety for everyone. We are a family not a business.

I could go on and on. I won't today.

I Can't Believe I'm Back!

I'm not sure how this will work out but I'm hoping the smoke has cleared and I can rejoin the world. I have missed this part of my life, you all. Even sitting here now brings up a lot of emotions that are hard to shove back.

A lot has happened. I won't go into much here but I will say that Emma's siblings are gone. There has been no contact. We have tried. We are devastated and can hardly speak of them without tears. I am filled with anger and resentment at the behavior of our county and theirs. Many lies were told and the stress it put on us was almost too much.

All of my kids are back home except Michael. He is still in RTC and showing his rear for them. They have scheduled his release twice and he blew it. They are unable to help him and are running out of ideas. Both of his therapists believe we have more impact on him here and do much more for him than the many professionals at his disposal. It will be tough but we aren't being given many choices. We will manage.

Ruthie returned after Christmas. We had to put many things in place for it to happen safely but she is working hard. She has bad days but she isn't hurting anyone. She feels remorse and is openly talking for the first time about her feelings. She has a VERY long way to go. She can't be trusted. She may never be again.

Patches was only in RTC briefly. She is doing beautifully. Seriously, I never thought we would be where we have been with her in the last 6 months. Amazing. Then school let out and the crazy girl took back over. We increased her meds again yesterday at her request.

The twins and Emma are thrilled to be out of school.

Kiki is my little ht mess. I may cut my ears off if she doesn't stop crying soon. The pdoc thinks it is BiPolar and ADHD with a little anxious attachment thrown in for fun. He laughed at me when he told me. He insists I am the luckiest adoptive mother in the world to have found so many with BiPolar and attachment issues.

I can't wait to tell you all about our adventures. We have one of my long time readers and now Soul Sister here with her family visiting. I hear her cooking dinner so I must run.

I NEED Advice

It seems I always procrastinate about telling the big fun events. It's just there is so much to tell and I'm writing it slowly and trying to deal with another fire, OK two of them.

The first is Sawyer. He is scheduled for a psychological evaluation with our therapist's office. After a few sessions with him it is obvious, he has Reactive Attachment Disorder. It's not just attachment issues like I had hoped. He has had a brain scan done and he doesn't have the brain of a child with ADHD. He shows many of the symptoms and signs but his brain doesn't show it. It's intentional behaviors. Now that we have a clearer picture of him physically, I have been asking a lot more questions about his past. He was traumatized, that's for sure. He was moved quite a bit and he didn't stay at the GGma's house the entire 3 yrs, as we had understood it. He had been sent back a few times to both parents and to the mother only to return to the GGma.

Now we have to think about coping with his VERY annoying behaviors while he tries to heal. It is overwhelming for my husband. Our other children allowed him to live blissfully with them for 4 yrs and rarely see any of their lovely behaviors. This son does not. He has to annoy everyone. He accidentally hurts people constantly. He breaks everything he touches, he puts everything in his mouth regardless of the danger, everything disappears, he steals, lies, and hoards, he pees and poops throughout our home and property, he has hygiene issues, he has horrible boundaries, he "misunderstands" everything her is told, he won't be quiet for more than seconds, he back talks and must have the last word of every conversation, he is disrespectful and rude, he refuses to make any eye contact, and he is in a constant battle for control.

I'm sure this didn't even begin to make clear how difficult he is. It feels like he is more difficult than the 6 together, when they came. I know that is not true. It just feels that way. I must admit, I am secret amused that my husband is struggling this time. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish this on anyone. I don't want him to suffer. I'm just happy he really sees it. It allows me a moment to step back and giggle. It helps me cope knowing I'm not alone.

The other thing is Ruthie. She is about to be discharged. The kids are terrified she will return here. They don't want her here anymore. We are stuck. Medicaid won't pay for her to stay in a facility that she is so well behaved in. They want her to come here. They refuse to qualify her for additional services because she is so well behaved. She visits and acts like an angel and then we find out she had pushed her limits with her brother on 2 occasions. Nothing major, they just let us know she has no intention of really changing. It makes me horribly sad.

Here's the dilemma. If she comes here, I worry I can't keep her safe. The new kids could be removed. If I refuse to pick her up because I fear she won't be safe, they can charge me with child abandonment or deprivation. They could remove the new kids. We wouldn't be able to finalize their adoption with felony child abuse charges. In the real world, we haven't nor will we abuse any children. (Although, when I find pee in the corner of my living room or poop in my hallway, I take deep breaths and remind myself of this.) In the insane world of child courts, we can and will be charged. We may be able to fight it. We have a paper trail and professionals willing to help us. It would be too late for the new kids. It's not fair. I don't know what to do. Either way I look, I see felony charges and the loss of 3 innocent kids, for her. All for her bad choices.

Any advice would be helpful. I would love to hear privately from anyone that has been through it. At this point, any thing would be great. We are desperate. She is being released Thursday.

I Wanna Tell You About the Carnival...

but we have all been sick and recuperating since. Forgive me. Gimme a few more days to tell you how fantastic it was and who came. If you were here and wanna share some things in the comments section, please do.