A Visit With G Gma

I drove an hour to take the 3 kids to see their G Gma, CW, G Aunt, and Guardian Ad Litem. It seems we are all on the same page. G Gma is exhausted and worn slap out. She fears she is letting them down and failing them. I tried to help her come to terms with her feelings and we both made promises to each other. She is a very nice lady that has gone above and beyond her abilities to try to help the kids. She can do no more. She asked they be moved before school starts to my home permanently.

I left the oldest there ad kept the 2 younger ones. I'm not sure how she will manage with him there, he became obnoxious the second we pulled in the drive. He was disrespectful and rude to her. He insisted on blasting music and changing the channel on the TV. He ran in and out and was very aggressive towards both his siblings. I, being me, couldn't watch this without stepping in. I forced him to clean up his destruction in a polite but firm way. I suggested he get a grip with a loving smile on my face but a tone that he couldn't mistake. He did.

We ran over to meet the attorney at McDonald's. He was surprised I handle the kids an managed to have a conversation with him. He spoke briefly to the little girl and she told him she wanted to stay with us. She feels safe here and wants to be adopted by us. She compared our home to her Granny's and it is obvious she like that we have flooring, closets with clothes and shoes bursting from them, cabinets with doors, and a lack of roaches.

TPR trial is tomorrow. Everyone feels things will move quickly after that. The CW wants us to update our home immediately. It looks like they will be here unofficially until then.

When we returned home, the 2 yr olds ran to each other and hugged like they had been apart for years. He ran in and screamed, "HOME!".

A Bump In the Road

The kids are great. Their level of energy and what it does to the house is difficult but manageable. My son can't handle all the running and wrestling (it's not allowed here and apparantly it's a very dificult rule to follow). It get's him going and he misinterprets the play for an attack. It doesn't matter he begins it.

He lost it yesterday and threw my new mixer across the room and locked himself in his. I was very worried about him in there and it has an outside handle on it from the previous family. Well, not anymore. My husband had to kick in the door. The other kids think my DH is like the guys in the movies now. LOL My son really lost it and I had a very hard time getting a good grip which only helps to increase his violence feeling out of control. In the end, I'm limping from a really hard kick in the hip that is causing the leg to tingle like it's asleep, I have 2 lovely scratches, and the tip of my finger is swollen and throbs while it waits for the nail to come off. He managed to bite it with his molars and I couldn't get it out. I'm hoping the damage isn't permanent, it has lost so much of it's feeling that it almost feels like a dead man's finger on the print side. Very strange.

He ruptured the blood vessels in his face again. He has a couple of discolored spot on his face from when he his face on the floor over and over. He was very upset when he had blood in his mouth, mostly mine and some may have come from my nail scratching him in there while he bit me. We can't find a source and nothing on him hurts. Again, I am the only one hurt, as it should be. I can't wait for a time when none of us have to be hurt. I know he longs for that, too. He has been stuck to me like glue since. Terrified I will give up on him.

It was hard on Ruthie. She tried so hard not to be angry at me She couldn't hold on. If my DH hadn't been there, she would attacked me while I was trying to keep him safe. She was circling like she does right before. He had to come in and stand between us to prevent he going for it. She sobbed when I could finally sit with her to process her feelings. She doesn't understand why she does this. She feels an urge to stop me from holding him and at the same time she is terrified I will let go of him. Lately, she has been screaming, "Why did they do this to us? I hate them!" when she begins to calm down. She has begun to blame them for her bad feelings and urges to hurt me. Soon we will need to help her accept responsibility for her own actions. We do this now but still allow her to place some of it on them for making her so angry inside. It took a long time for her to allow herself to be angry at them.

As awful as all of this sounds, we love them and see progress. Enough to keep us trying and hoping they will learn to cope and be safe, most of all find happiness. ANy kind of change is stressful here. I imagine we will start to see long periods of calm. They are trying so hard. I love them so much. Sometimes, I wish I didn't love them. I could put them in a RTC and walk away. But I do and I can't. Today is another day. We will try to keep their illness far enough away to enjoy a little bit of each other's company. I will try to find the right amount of meds to keep them calm and not make them tired. I will find new and interesting ways to redirect and entertain them. I will find my packed cameras and place them in their play areas so I can leave them for a moment. We will keep finding a way to make this work and be safe for every one.

These Are From September

Smothering Them

It was a much calmer day. The boys played video games until Peyton chewed through the cord. Yes, you read that right. He is such a cute little booger and way more active than Kiera is. The girls played dress up, house, and school all day. I swear they can go through some outfits. They had out all my high heels and makeup.

The new three are well behaved and kind to others. I have to force myself to keep from smothering them with hugs and kisses when they remind my children to get along and apologize to each other. I know I will fall in love with them if they are here much longer. It's just so great to be able to tell them a rule and they do their best to follow it. Taelor even got Emma to clean without being forced to. She made it a game for Emma. If you know Emma, you know this had to be some kind of brainwashing or trick. She proudly refers to her self as my laziest child.

I should be sleeping but I can't seem to wind down.

It looks like they will be here until at least next Thursday. Their G Gma doesn't have childcare and has been subpoenaed to testify in the TPR hearing Wednesday. We spoke tonight and she is struggling with all of this. She is so in love with them and knows she will need to let them go. They love her, too. It will be very hard for Michael to leave her. Peyton and Taelor will hurt but I think it will be easier on them.

I was talking about school and grade levels today and found out that I would have 4 in 3rd grade plus a grandchild in 3rd at the same school. I hope they have enough different classes so they aren't in the same class with each other.

The Arrest

It was stupid. I was stupid. I received a speeding ticket last July in my MIL's car. It is a tiny thing and I drive a huge 15 passenger van. It seemed like I was within the range of the limit but I wasn't even close. I was pulled over and ticketed. No biggie. I spoke to the lady at City Hall and mailed in a money order to pay for it. It kept nagging at me. I never received the receipt like she promised to mail me. I told my husband just days before I was arrested, I felt like I needed to call and check on it. I forgot to.

The Thursday before school let out, I stopped by the elementary school to pay for a library book. For some reason, I didn't put my van in park and it moved about 12-14 inches before bumping another car. No damage was done to either vehicle. I was in a hurry and suggested I give them my insurance information and both of us move on. She was a stupid woman that couldn't make a decision for herself and decided to call the police on me. She claimed she couldn't do that without the owner's approval. That led me to believe, it was a friend's car. I later found out it was her and her husband's car. Idiot. Anyway, I asked her to get him on the phone. I explained. He agreed to let it go with just trading information. We did that I was on my way.

I received a call about 20 minutes later that I had to return to the scene b/c I was going to be charged with leaving the scene of an accident. When I explained my side and the fact that I can't be charged with that b/c I had exchanged information and that's what is required by law. Then he began to get mean and threatened me with obstruction of justice. He was pissed. I agreed to meet him at my house. He checked out my van and began questioning me about my kids. It turns out, he was planning on arresting me and had to be sure I had someone that could watch my kids. He threatened to contact DFCS if I couldn't make arrangements immediately. Luckily, Rosa was on her way there and was able to help me out.

I was arrested, handcuffed, and placed in the back of a police car. Did you know they have A/C only in the front of the car? The giant plastic shield kept me from feeling any of it. I was taken to the county jail to be processed. The processing deputy took pity on me and kept me up front with her. I never saw a moment behind any locked door. My DH was already calling before she had a change to process me. She informed me I was being charged with driving on a suspended license. Nothing else. She also told me I had a bench warrant for failing to appear. I knew exactly what happened. She thought it was funny. She called and they refused to come transport me so I was going to be released.

As they walked me towards the door to my freedom, they called out for me to come back. I was inches away but followed their directions. Their head count was off. They had misplaced 2 prisoners. No one could come in or out until they were found. It took them 3 hours. They had a shift change in that time period and the new deputy saw I had the warrant. He took it upon himself to see if he could get them to come get me. It was a scary 4 minutes but in the end, they refused. I was released.

I worked it all out with the lady at City Hall a few days later. I was released from the charges and my license was reinstated. I still have to go to court over the driving without a license. I'm sure I will have to pay a fine but my life almost behind bars is over.

An Even Dozen

I'm back online. I thought it would never happen at the rate things moved. A lot has happened and will be happening. Here is the short version and I will go into details when I can.

We packed. I was arrested and sat in jail for a couple hours until they could locate 2 missing prisoners. We moved. I unpacked. I had my drivers license reinstated. I unpacked some more. Moved Rosa to her own house 2 miles away from our new house. Had a huge cookout for Kiera's family. Received a call that Emma's birth siblings from her Father's side were in need of a home. Talked back and forth with the kids CW and had an inspection. We are now waiting for their TPR to discuss our future.

Any questions? LOL

The kids names are Sawyer 9, Anna 7, and Wyatt 2. They all seem thoughtful and caring. They are a bit energetic and loud and we will have to work on toning things down a bit. Sawyer is mature and informative. He struggles with ADHD. Anna is a sweet girl that speaks her mind and needs clearly. Both of them look a lot like Emma. Wyatt has flaming red hair and blue eyes. He barely speaks and is a wild one. Kiera thinks he is her personal baby doll. She is fascinated with him. She hugged him until she fell asleep. He really likes her, too.

I'll have to get back to the arrest later. All is fine. I'm just an idiot. I got it all worked out and fixed.

Tough Night

Ruthie has been having a really hard time over the last few months. Her rages have increased significantly when we removed her latest med that we feared was the cause of her stomach pains.

We mentioned her hygiene challenges in therapy and she refused to speak one word for the nearly 2 hours we were there. Once in the van, she was a chatty Cathy. I stated I wish she could find a way to talk like that in therapy. She was silent the hour ride home. Once here, she refused to get out of the van. She sat out there for about 2 hours, long past dinner. I offered her dinner before it was put up and she shook her head. I noticed she had managed to dump a 2 liter of soda all over my van and everything else that was in there was spread all around. I just shook my head.

About 30 minutes later, my DH went to check on her and she was gone. We found her crouched down in the woods, still on our property. Every time we approached her, she ran further. Eventually, we were forced to call the police to help. She was terrified of him and refused to speak to him. He stood up and she took that moment to run toward us. I guess, we are the better of 2 evils.

After the officer left, we talked about her ability to control the urge to run and to not hurt herself. She knew she couldn't make that promise since she has been doing it daily. It was enough to have her admitted to our local psychiatric facility. Sadly, the nurses and the security officers at the ER, the admittance dude, security officer, and nurse at the facility all knew me by name. Since we are moving, I didn't bother to get last names for Christmas cards. I'm hoping to develop that kind of a relationship with the staff at the hospital and neighborhood psychiatric facility near our new house. I mean really, why waste all the energy on folks I won't see again.

Ruthie has called twice today. She seems upbeat. I'm sure she will be home in a few days. They have made some real changes with her meds that make me hopeful.

We are off to finish up the new house this weekend. We still have a little painting and a lot of moving and packing to do over the next 10 days. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all happen while I sleep.

Things Are Moving Along

The house is nearly painted. I am shocked that my 14 yr old and I did almost all of it ourselves. My DH will spend a few nights this week at the house and finish the top cutting in that wasn't done over the weekend. I decided after about 3 hours of painting that we would be repainting the trim after we moved in. Our trim is a very dark brown already and I have every intention of keeping it that color. With so many kids, it will save me a ton of effort repainting every 6 months in the high traffic areas.

All the work on both houses and packing has taken it's toll on my hips. I am back on pain meds to just walk around. I hate that. I know it is temporary because when we get moved I can slow down a bit physically. Until then, I have no choice if I want to climb a set of stairs.

Our Blue and Gold Macaw came home this week. We decided to name him Winston. He has really taken to me and I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life snuggled up with my new friend. When I come in the room, he quickly slides down the cage and drops to the floor to chase me down. He squawks periodically until I holler back at him, just letting him know where I am. He is a big ball of mush. He is getting used to all the commotion around here and the kids think he is the coolest thing ever.

Most of the kids are doing really well. Michael has turned into the easiest kid in the house. He is helpful, calm, clear about his feelings, caring, thoughtful, and affectionate. He has become the boy I had hoped he was deep down. He expresses how happy he is about his recent changes. Unfortunately, he is still actively hallucinating. Patches is having a tough time but hanging in there. Ruthie is not. She has been out of control and psychotic. She is extremely close to a hospital visit. Emma, Ava, and Ella are fantastic. Kiera is getting used to the idea of her own bed but not to sleep in, just to "watch cartoons in". Cyr is an amazing child. She is so helpful through her sadness. I love that child more than I ever thought possible. I can't believe I get to watch her grow up and become such an incredible young woman.

We have a visitor for a couple of nights. Gia! She told me, at dinner, this is her house, too. I have missed the kids so much. We saw them for a little bit on Sunday at the new house. I could have squeezed all of them to death but that would have shortened the visit. Rosa is looking for a house and we are hoping she chooses one close to ours so I can watch the kids for her when she works.

Fighting for Services

I know, I used to post nearly every day and lately I have fallen off the face of the earth. Life keeps me busy, what can I say?

I spoke to Cyr's boyfriend's mom last night about something I NEVER thought I would agree to. After talking with her therapist about her relationship with this boy, I we all agreed we need to help her continue it unless she acts inappropriate. She has never had a friendship, of any kind, last more than a few months. This relationship has lasted 6. They are silly and fun together. That was such a difficult thing for her to be before. A fun loving girl, she was not. Now she is. She is sarcastic and entertaining. Since we are moving about an hour and 15 minutes away, visits every weekend won't happen. We have decided to offer to let him spend the night. Yes, go back and read it again. I said it. It took me a few times to say it out loud before I was able to stay conscience. Our thought is that we have door alarms on the bedrooms doors set on chime but they can be moved to a screaming sound and the camera can be set to the hallway to see who it is leaving the room. They wouldn't be able to get to each other through the door or window, since they have alarms, too. His parents commented on how careful we are with our daughter that they feel we would protect him, too. It may happen.

On a completely different note, Kiera peed on the potty! This child has been impossible to train. She tells me, "I don't want to potty train. Me the baby.". If I try to bribe her, she informs me, "I have to pee to get that candy? No, thanks." "I'll wear my panties on my diaper." Stuff like that. Refuses to go. She also will try to make the sound of going on the pot and ask for a treat. She ain't fooling me. LOL Today she was making the "sound" of peeing and actually went. She laughed and told me it was an accident because she could hear the water running. LOL I still gave her the treat.

I had an IEP meeting for Ruthie today and now it will be next week. I am so grateful the therapist wrote a wonderful letter trying to help get her in a contained class. I am a nervous wreck about it. It is so hard facing a bunch of people that don't see her behaviors but think they know my child. She is so preoccupied by all the other kids and possible sexual thoughts that she has nothing left for learning. I'm hoping to get the right services for her for next year. It will be nothing short of a miracle.

Mothers

I spent the weekend prepping the new house for our family. We picked out paint and began the long process of repainting the entire house. I am exhausted and the kids are passed out.

Today Kiera's Mom came to visit. We were so thrilled her boyfriend was able to stay this time. He suffers from one of the most severe cases of social anxiety I have seen first hand. He is a sweet and gentle man that can't bear to be around people, much less talk to them. He enjoys the kids and helped them dump a ton of sand in their new giant sand box. WHen I say a ton of sand, I mean an incredibly large bag that had to be put in the truch with a forklift, ton of sand. Literally, weighing a ton. They worked their little hearts out. We picked up Kiera's sister so she had a ball with her family today, burying them in it.

Mother's Day is so hard for my children and their mothers. It is a big reminder of their loss. With every wish from others for me to have a happy day, I think of the ones I share the day with. The one that sits in prison for her crimes against our children, the one that traveled out of her way to pick up and drop off our daughter so I could paint a little longer, and the one that that cried in my kitchen because she desperately wants to spend time with our daughter. My relationship with all of them is so unique. I can honestly say I love them all.

It was hard for people, including my family, to understand why I wanted my children's mothers so involved in our lives. I just knew it was critical for my children. Two of them are actively involved in our family but we are in different stages with them. Emma's Mother has been with us for almost 9 years. She is considered family by every one of our extended family and is included in everything. She has struggled with addiction and the loss of her children. SHe has worked very hard to regain custody of 2 of them and build healthy relationships with the other 2. SHe still aches for the loss of her girls but has moved forward. Emma spends the night at her home and her Nana's regularly. Not a day goes by that I don't speak with her Mother on the phone.

Kiera's Mother's wounds are fresh. She cries easily about her girls. She wants to see them unsupervised and is having a hard time accepting that will take time. I want us to get there. There are many reasons we are not. SOme of it is trust, past mistakes, but the biggest part is Kiera. She is so shaky with her attachment. SHe is so desperate for me all the time. Nights are horrible. I think it would be too confusing at this stage and the therapist agrees. I feel like such a jerk telling her to wait. We have to build trust. It was one of the hardest things to tell her. I want her to have the relationship Emma has with her family. I know we will get there but from where she is standing, it seems impossible. We talked about the steps we need to take to get there today. I try very hard to be honest and upfront with her so she will learn she can trust me. I will do exactly what I say. Now that we are going to be a little closer, I'm hoping she will spend a few weekends with us and her daughters. Another step closer to unsupervised. I am hoping her family takes us up on some visitation, too.

Some Good and Bad

I took Cyr to see the house today. She skipped school because she didn't feel like going on the 7th grade field trip. Her teacher had been upset that she wasn't going and asked her why. She assumed it was because we couldn't afford the $21 with so many kids at home. Cyr was quick to tell me she set her straight and said she didn't want to go. I had to giggle. She likes the house but is still sad about leaving her boy friend.

I had been dreading Patches IEP meeting today but came out so happy she has had the opportunity to be in this program with such wonderful people. They all get it. I can't tell you enough how much of a difference it makes. Knowing she is moving, they went out of their way to make sure everything was written to help Patches succeed next year. They even wrote in the exact words that helped her reconnect after a shut down.

They had so many positive things to say about her. I left feeling so proud of her. With all her issues, she is still such a wonderful child. She loves the best she can. If you ever feel any of that love, you will never forget it. It keeps me coming back for more. It helps me forget all the nastiness.

Without naming you and sharing your private crisis, I want to tell you I am here for you. You are one of the most important and influencial people in my life. You have accepted my children without question and loved them with your entire heart. You have taken us in and supported us when we needed it the most. You are generous, loving, and thoughtful to a fault. I know I never say it but I want you to know I feel it deeply. I love you and am honored to be a part of your life. In the coming months, I will do anything to make it easier on you. If anyone can fight this, I know you can and will. You are a fighter. You are secretly strong. You come across as this adorable grandmotherly woman that wouldn't hurt a fly. Anyone that knows you, knows you can do anything you put your mind to and will take down anyone that gets in your way. Most people, at your age, look forward to retirement. Not you. You have 2 jobs and keep going. We might not always see eye to eye but that hasn't stopped you from accepting me, warts and all. I can never repay you for all you have done for us but I do promise, if we win the lottery, you are first on the list. OK, no more sappy crap. Let's get busy getting you healthy.

It's All In Her Head

Ruthie has been sick and out of school since last Tuesday. She complains of severe stomach pains in her upper area, some vomiting on and off, and loose stools (probably from the daily prescription laxative I was giving her). She refused to get out of bed to play or eat. She was dizzy from starvation. When we went to the GI dr yesterday, she had lost 6 pounds since last Friday. The kid was in bad shape.

I took her to the doctor originally on Friday and they insisted it was ulcers. If she puked, take her to the ER. She puked in front of their building so off we went. The Er dr did an ultrasound to look at the gall bladder and pancreas. Both were fine. He insisted it was somatic.

I called her therapist on Monday and we called her p doc together. The therapist and p doc agree that the new meds are holding her rages down so far that the emotion has to go somewhere. I was offended at first but it began to make some sense. Their point was this is a very mentally ill child. This is exactly how Patches acted prior to her first hospitalization minus the pain. She became very secluded and lethargic. She hid in the room upstairs and watched TV constantly even though she wasn't allowed to on the weekdays. Michael has had similar weeks. The difference is the pain. She always has a boo boo. She is difficult to believe when she complains about hurting.

Tuesday the GI doc agreed with them. He said she may have a tiny bit that is backed up but nothing to cause all this other stuff. He suggested we talk to her therapist and continue her laxative, just in case.

I didn't want to say anything until I was sure. We found the house! They said they have shown it numerous times and every one complained there were too many extra rooms they didn't need. It has lots of character and really spoke to us the minute we got out of the truck. Every room just made it better and better. Of course, we see it for what it will be because every thing needs some TLC.

The first thing is that it is on 3 acres on a very busy road, near all our favorite stores. The busy street would be a turn off except the property has a bamboo forest and woods that block all the noise and view of it. It has a small fenced in area off the living room and screened in porch area that Kiera will be able to come and go from without me worrying. That area has a massive picnic table, sandbox, fire pit, and big deck. The drive is long and right behind the house it gets really wide. They will be able to play basketball out there and ride their bikes up and down the gravel road that runs through the property. There are tons of tree house trees so it's a matter of picking the right one and building it.

The inside begins with a mud room. It is about 9x9. We need to tear up the indoor/outdoor carpet and put in tile. I have big dreams for that mud room, starting with hooks for each child and a warm color paint color.

That room leads into the dining room. It is about 10x15 and has an unbelievable built in buffet and tile floors. It is full of sunlight from the bay window area. A staircase is in one corner that leads upstairs to our master bedroom and playroom. The kitchen off to the left.

The kitchen is small. It is the only down side to the entire house. It was a cloudy day and was dark. It will be one of the first things fixed. It is bigger than our current one and has a really cool pass through to the dining room that is big enough to hold several dishes of food for holidays.

The living room has a huge picture window and a wood burning fireplace. There is a door that leads out to the screened in porch and the fenced in yard. It has hardwood floors and is a nice size. We will be able to have both sofa and our love seat in there without a problem.

Between the living and the kitchen are the front stairs. Just down the left side is the hall that leads to several closets and pantries, washer and dryer, huge bathroom, the little girls room (14x10), and Michael's room (12x12).

At the top of the stairs is the big girls room (12x14). It has another bath between their room and the new TV room. The TV room will house their video games and movies and have a built in desk with their computers. It has a set of french doors that lead out to a balcony.

The other side of the stairs is a massive room that will be their playroom. It has some cool nooks and crannies. It has 3 wonderful windows on the front and the back side of the house making it very bright. I love it. Our master bath is off of this room and our bedroom off of that. Both are big and recently remodeled.

It is filthy but completely empty. We were welcomed to begin cleaning and working on it any time we wish. The soon to be previous owner is so nice and offered to give us a key tomorrow.

A Bit About Everyone

So many things I keep meaning to come here and tell you all about but life gets in the way. Maybe it's time to do an update on each one of the little turkey butts.

Cyr is still dating her boyfriend, Manuel. He is still in the alternative school and taking his anger management classes. We had a tiny bit of a scare when she confessed she had kissed him in our home more than once. Upon closer investigation, they had exchanged pecks a few times. I was relieved when no swapping of spit had occurred. She was completely disgusted by the conversation. I think she may link that kind of kissing to her abuse. She is not doing well in in a couple classes and lost the privilege of doing her homework at her leisure. Overall, I am thrilled every day to be dealing with normal teenage crap from her. She is attached and defensive of me. She appreciates all she went through and understands how badly it could have turned out for her and her siblings. She likes to be around us and is enjoying a bit of freedom occasionally. She is upset about moving but finds a way to be happy about it, too. She listens to my advice and tries to follow it. I couldn't ask for a better daughter.

Patches likes a boy from school that openly talks about wanting to be in a gang. He is an idiot and she thinks he is cool. She has no idea what a gang is. Since her teacher left she has cried every day. Yesterday she informed me they are taking a class picture next week and she will not be in it. I asked why, thinking it was because she hates having her picture taken, I wasn't surprised when she said it. Her answer did surprise me. She didn't want to do it because I would think it is cool that she is in one with her friends. I thought that was crappy and told her so. She stomped off to tantrum and returned with the confession that it was really about her teacher not being there. She thinks it's not right that they are doing it without her. I guess the jabs at me were just for sport. LOL She is a roller coaster lately. She is still in love with Jacob from Twilight. She is not doing well in the class with her male teacher. She says it's because she doesn't like him. She claims to hate her new parapro, too. Of course, there is no reason for her dislike of either of them. Last night she flipped out on me screaming I'm not her mom, her boss and she hates me. After 4 years, it is old. She later admitted to just wanting to hurt me. I calmly explained I am done with being her punching bag and I looked forward for the next time she decided to be mean to me. It scared her. I plan on becoming the woman she lives with, she will no longer receive all the benefits of a family.

Ruthie is extreme abdominal pain and has been out of school since Tuesday. I took her to remove her cast yesterday and then to the doctor for her tummy. I thought she was constipated and it turns out that wasn't true. They thought she had an ulcer so they gave her meds to confirm it. They were baffled when it made it worse. They suggested we head to the ER. The doctor at the ER thought it was Pancreas or Gall Bladder. It wasn't. He suggested it was somatic more than once. I can tell you that I rarely believe her when she is injured or sick but this is obvious. She is hurting. She confronted her teacher for confessing her love of my daughter. She was able to tell her how scared it made her feel. The teacher apologized.

Michael is changing. Some of it is not good and some of it is. An example is, he is stealing from us. We have caught him twice in 3 days going through our stuff. When confronted, he cried and confessed. What's even weirder is he accepts his consequence without a fuss and apologizes. What the heck is going on? I believe the new anti seizure meds are working because he hasn't had a huge fit in more than a week. He has a girlfriend (Emma's birth sister's adoptive sister). He calls her and has no idea what to say so I coach him during the call. It's too funny. He draws her pictures and wants me to send them to her. He cracks me up.

Emma is at her Mom's for the weekend. Emma is the second generation of adoption in her family. Her Nana lost her sister to a closed adoption. They found her on Facebook and she is here this weekend for a big family reunion. I wanted her to be there. Just the thought of all the emotions running through those women makes me tear up. I am so happy they will get to know each other. There family has had such a rough life. Emma's GG had been forced to place her child to protect her from her dangerous father. He had threatened to kill the child and GG. I truly adore that family and what they come to mean to ours. I am so immensely happy for them all.

Ava is crying intermittently. She is jealous of Ella because the boy she likes thinks Ella is the bomb. He also thinks Ava is mean. This has caused quite a bit of friction here. Ella has had to keep her excitement quiet so she doesn't hurt her twin. Ava is a good student and she has managed to overcome all her stealing, hoarding, lying, and most of her meanness. She is easy and loving without being clingy. Her hair is the longest of the girls and she is beginning to try to do "things" with it. Michael, Ella, and Ava are motivated by money right now and are volunteering for extra chores.

Ella is Ella. She is finding her voice and using it a bit too often. Finding a happy medium is an adventure with her. She is still playing with the baby a lot and the baby is abusing her daily. That girl will hit her with hard toys when she makes her mad. We are working on it but poor Ella in the meantime. She is very into imaginary play and can be seen crawling on my floor constantly. She is our puppy. She asked me this week if she could marry the boy she likes when she grows up. She loves him. I managed to keep a straight face and told her that would be lovely as long as he is a nice boy.

Kiera. Michael says she is the cutest thing ever and the meanest. LOL It's true. She is becoming more social with strangers and she insists on people returning her hellos. She thinks our male therapist and the boy across the street are her best friends. She refuses to potty train and tells me so. We discuss her sleeping situation and is excited about a new toddler bed but claims she will not be sleeping in it. She is smart, too smart. She is bossy and knows what she wants. She is extremely hyper and we are wondering if it may be an issue in the future. Nightmares still interrupt our rest at least 4 or 5 times a night. She screams and cries then clings to my head for dear life. It is so sad. Tantrums threaten my sanity during the day. She won't let go of me when the kids are at school but she is thrilled when her "guys" walk through the door. She is so used to them running to her rescue that she stands in the middle of a room and hollers, "I'm thirsty. Water please. Somebody get me a cup. Hello. I'm thirsty." until someone jumps. Honestly, I know it's bad but it's so funny I can't help but giggle. We are working on it.

My DH and I are house hunting this weekend. We will be spending the night at my sister's while she is out of town. We will be alone! What the heck do you do without kids? I'm planning on sleeping and a glass of wine. I'm pretty sure I know what's on his mind and I'm sure he won't accept my exhaustion as an excuse for extra sleep. My MIL is staying with the kids here. Silly woman, she is a gluten for punishment. Thank goodness for us she loves the kids and is willing to put up with their crap.

SSI

I just received a call from DFCS asking why I wasn't claiming Ella's SSI on Kiera's Medicaid form. I insisted I had no idea she received it, ever. She told me to run, not walk, to the social security office and find out what's going on with it. She said she doesn't think it would stop and that it should be lifelong. She also suggested I get on the ball for the other kids because it has nothing to do with their adoption assistance amounts.

Anybody have any clue about why we wouldn't have been informed about Ella's SSI? Is SSI something you have to reapply for or could it have been discontinued for any reason? Anything I should know before filling out the SSI forms? Any advice would be appreciated.

Vacation!

If you are in GA, you need to go check this out. We are going as a family for $40! It covers everything except hotel. I'm calling it vacation and the kids don't know any better so don't tell them.

Another Loss and a Night Out

I am so excited about this weekend. My incredible MIL is coming to stay with the kids and I am escaping with my DH to my sister's. She is going to be out of town and we get to be ALONE! We are going to spend the day hours house hunting and the night will be spent drinking a large amount of wine and snoring. I can't wait. So far the kids are handling the idea well.

Patches has been weeping all afternoon. She found out today that her beloved parapro is leaving after tomorrow. She is devastated. I'm not so sure how well she will do the rest of the year. First the move and now this. I wish her teacher the best of luck. She has had a huge impact on Patches and is the main reason she has been so successful this year. (Please keep in touch! Take my cell # with you and call often.)

Nevermind

The guy changed his mind before anything was drawn up. He started going back and forth until I finally told him it wouldn't work for us and I wished him well. Of course, I really think he is an idiot.

Patches had a really bad night last night and we are trying to decide if it would be beneficial to involve the juvenile justice system in the future. She wasn't pshychotic, she was pissed. She hates the state testing and has been taking it out on us. SHe is mad about moving and instead of talking about it, she is abusing me. I've had it. She ran away and I let her. SHe kept coming back and destroying our property then leaving again. I am to the point that when she starts screaming she hates me, for no reason, and I am not her real mom, I agree with her. I'm not her real mom. Thank goodness, too. She goes on and on about how wonderful her life was and how I stole her. I've never been one to engage in all the crap but it is getting old. They have been here 4 years! We have established that I am second best, I am mean, she is never going to love me or come see when she grows up, I am fat, I stole her from a loving family, she wants to live with another family, I am old, and I am stupid. Why do we have to go over it so often? Maybe I should put all their statements in writing and when they start I could hand them a copy. You know, so they don't miss one.

Not What I'd Dreamed of but...

We found a house. We made an offer. He accepted it. If all goes well, we should move mid June.

It's smaller than we'd hoped for. It currently has 4 bedrooms and 3 baths. No Play Room or Dining Room. The front door opens into a giant room that contains the LR and Kitchen. They are separated by a stone fireplace that goes to the top of the vaulted ceilings. There is a large back deck and tons of windows leading out to it. Master bed and bath are on the left and 2 bedrooms and a bath are on the right. There is a staircase that leads to the basement that has another bedroom and bath. On the other side is an over sized double garage. It is on .6 of an acre and is a great level fenced in yard. It is within the city limits and walking distance to town. He is so desperate, he took $30k less than he was asking. Our payment should drop at least a couple hundred a month from what we are paying now. It is about 4 miles from my sister's house.

The down side? We have to rip out the nasty carpet and it with hardwoods before we move in. It is completely white, walls, tile, cabinets, and vinyl. We have to paint first, too. It must be disinfected, it is filthy. We will have to quickly turn the garage into a Play Room and a separate Reptile Room. In the meantime, Michael's room will have to house all the toys. I would love to tackle the Kitchen and bring it up to date but that would have to wait for a year or so. I will have to go through every room here and get rid of stuff to fit comfortably. That's not a bad thing other than I don't want to go through it all. LOL We will fit fine once I do that.

Patches has already asked to wallpaper her walls with her favorite actor. Cyr cried her eyes out and then tried to find ways to be excited. The little kids are thrilled. They do not like their current school and want to go. They all want to be close to their beloved Kiki and cousins.

The Girl With The Crazy Sister

Today is Cyr's birthday. All went well until I asked a few kids to do Cyr's chore for her. It did not go over well. One thought the other was being mean (read delusional thinking, as usual) and the other tried to help until they were smacked by the first one. The first one ended up sitting on the floor banging on things to ruin our movie and eventually began to amp things up a bit by threatening the younger kids. Not so unusual around here, right? We have 2 kids over tonight. Her fit made quite the scene, especially when she began to refer to me as a "fat bitch" and banged the end of the outside hose with it's attachment against the house. We scurried the kids off to their room and ran around her trying to prevent too much damage to her and our things. Good times. She always feels so bad about herself afterward. They all do. They hate they escalate to this level and are unable to stop until it's all out.

Last night was fun. It was another child's turn to flip out. I'm going to be cryptic but if you've read the entire blog, you will know what and who I'm talking about. We have 2 children that have an unhealthy bond. One has a new "love" interest that is returned. The other is extremely jealous and has feelings that they wish it was them. Not that they want a BF/GF, they want to have that person all for themselves. This child flipped out and had to be removed from a room to protect others. They were throwing stuff at me and hitting me when they went in for a bite. I grabbed their hair to keep them from it and had to hold them for some time, hurting my foot again in the process. I am pissed. I was just able to walk normally on it. This child ran away and screamed in the street until Cyr and I finally calmed her. She screamed, "Why did they make me like this? I hate them for making me feel like this!" I was so impressed with her insight about her feelings I almost forgot she had attacked me earlier like a wild animal. She is coping much better today.

I feel sorry for the future mates of my children. They are in for a tough road.

Completely inappropriate, Cyr expressed she is terrified she will be known as the girl with the crazy sister. I said, "Better to be known as the girl with the crazy sister than the girl that gives head." I'm not sure where that came from but it made sense to her and she agreed. I really need to work on thinking before I speak. This is going to be a difficult hurdle for her. Teens care what others think about them. She has 2 sisters coming up behind her that are going to humiliate her, daily. How do I convince her to be empathetic when it is such a difficult thing for her anyway? I suppose my sisters could say I humilated them, too. I also beat the booty of anyone that hurt them so that kinda made up for it. Maybe her sisters could be trained to protect her. LOL I can see Patches kicking some boys butt because he made Cyr cry.

One of my girls is obsessed with a movie star in The New Moon. OBSESSED! Everyone gets crushes on movie stars or rock stars, it's normal. She believes she will be his girlfriend. I tried to explain to her about the reality of that happening and this child is convinced I am wrong and if she could get away without me following her around, she could find him and make him her's. I see a future movie star stalker. I'm serious. It's weird. I think she could convince herself she is his girlfriend. I know it is a symptom of her illness and it scares the heck out of me. Please stop letting her watch that movie at school. It only feeds her delusion. She may tell you it's OK and she knows the difference but it's only to get her way and see him again. She is having dreams about him and says she wants to go to sleep to be with him. How about The Princess and the Frog or Zombieland? Anything would be better than the Werewolf. Oh she says she knows they are meant to be together because he looks like her. SHe believes he is a werewolf and will protect her. Her Nanny told her to friend him on FaceBook. I can't wait to see how that goes.