SSI

I just received a call from DFCS asking why I wasn't claiming Ella's SSI on Kiera's Medicaid form. I insisted I had no idea she received it, ever. She told me to run, not walk, to the social security office and find out what's going on with it. She said she doesn't think it would stop and that it should be lifelong. She also suggested I get on the ball for the other kids because it has nothing to do with their adoption assistance amounts.

Anybody have any clue about why we wouldn't have been informed about Ella's SSI? Is SSI something you have to reapply for or could it have been discontinued for any reason? Anything I should know before filling out the SSI forms? Any advice would be appreciated.

Vacation!

If you are in GA, you need to go check this out. We are going as a family for $40! It covers everything except hotel. I'm calling it vacation and the kids don't know any better so don't tell them.

Another Loss and a Night Out

I am so excited about this weekend. My incredible MIL is coming to stay with the kids and I am escaping with my DH to my sister's. She is going to be out of town and we get to be ALONE! We are going to spend the day hours house hunting and the night will be spent drinking a large amount of wine and snoring. I can't wait. So far the kids are handling the idea well.

Patches has been weeping all afternoon. She found out today that her beloved parapro is leaving after tomorrow. She is devastated. I'm not so sure how well she will do the rest of the year. First the move and now this. I wish her teacher the best of luck. She has had a huge impact on Patches and is the main reason she has been so successful this year. (Please keep in touch! Take my cell # with you and call often.)

Nevermind

The guy changed his mind before anything was drawn up. He started going back and forth until I finally told him it wouldn't work for us and I wished him well. Of course, I really think he is an idiot.

Patches had a really bad night last night and we are trying to decide if it would be beneficial to involve the juvenile justice system in the future. She wasn't pshychotic, she was pissed. She hates the state testing and has been taking it out on us. SHe is mad about moving and instead of talking about it, she is abusing me. I've had it. She ran away and I let her. SHe kept coming back and destroying our property then leaving again. I am to the point that when she starts screaming she hates me, for no reason, and I am not her real mom, I agree with her. I'm not her real mom. Thank goodness, too. She goes on and on about how wonderful her life was and how I stole her. I've never been one to engage in all the crap but it is getting old. They have been here 4 years! We have established that I am second best, I am mean, she is never going to love me or come see when she grows up, I am fat, I stole her from a loving family, she wants to live with another family, I am old, and I am stupid. Why do we have to go over it so often? Maybe I should put all their statements in writing and when they start I could hand them a copy. You know, so they don't miss one.

Not What I'd Dreamed of but...

We found a house. We made an offer. He accepted it. If all goes well, we should move mid June.

It's smaller than we'd hoped for. It currently has 4 bedrooms and 3 baths. No Play Room or Dining Room. The front door opens into a giant room that contains the LR and Kitchen. They are separated by a stone fireplace that goes to the top of the vaulted ceilings. There is a large back deck and tons of windows leading out to it. Master bed and bath are on the left and 2 bedrooms and a bath are on the right. There is a staircase that leads to the basement that has another bedroom and bath. On the other side is an over sized double garage. It is on .6 of an acre and is a great level fenced in yard. It is within the city limits and walking distance to town. He is so desperate, he took $30k less than he was asking. Our payment should drop at least a couple hundred a month from what we are paying now. It is about 4 miles from my sister's house.

The down side? We have to rip out the nasty carpet and it with hardwoods before we move in. It is completely white, walls, tile, cabinets, and vinyl. We have to paint first, too. It must be disinfected, it is filthy. We will have to quickly turn the garage into a Play Room and a separate Reptile Room. In the meantime, Michael's room will have to house all the toys. I would love to tackle the Kitchen and bring it up to date but that would have to wait for a year or so. I will have to go through every room here and get rid of stuff to fit comfortably. That's not a bad thing other than I don't want to go through it all. LOL We will fit fine once I do that.

Patches has already asked to wallpaper her walls with her favorite actor. Cyr cried her eyes out and then tried to find ways to be excited. The little kids are thrilled. They do not like their current school and want to go. They all want to be close to their beloved Kiki and cousins.

The Girl With The Crazy Sister

Today is Cyr's birthday. All went well until I asked a few kids to do Cyr's chore for her. It did not go over well. One thought the other was being mean (read delusional thinking, as usual) and the other tried to help until they were smacked by the first one. The first one ended up sitting on the floor banging on things to ruin our movie and eventually began to amp things up a bit by threatening the younger kids. Not so unusual around here, right? We have 2 kids over tonight. Her fit made quite the scene, especially when she began to refer to me as a "fat bitch" and banged the end of the outside hose with it's attachment against the house. We scurried the kids off to their room and ran around her trying to prevent too much damage to her and our things. Good times. She always feels so bad about herself afterward. They all do. They hate they escalate to this level and are unable to stop until it's all out.

Last night was fun. It was another child's turn to flip out. I'm going to be cryptic but if you've read the entire blog, you will know what and who I'm talking about. We have 2 children that have an unhealthy bond. One has a new "love" interest that is returned. The other is extremely jealous and has feelings that they wish it was them. Not that they want a BF/GF, they want to have that person all for themselves. This child flipped out and had to be removed from a room to protect others. They were throwing stuff at me and hitting me when they went in for a bite. I grabbed their hair to keep them from it and had to hold them for some time, hurting my foot again in the process. I am pissed. I was just able to walk normally on it. This child ran away and screamed in the street until Cyr and I finally calmed her. She screamed, "Why did they make me like this? I hate them for making me feel like this!" I was so impressed with her insight about her feelings I almost forgot she had attacked me earlier like a wild animal. She is coping much better today.

I feel sorry for the future mates of my children. They are in for a tough road.

Completely inappropriate, Cyr expressed she is terrified she will be known as the girl with the crazy sister. I said, "Better to be known as the girl with the crazy sister than the girl that gives head." I'm not sure where that came from but it made sense to her and she agreed. I really need to work on thinking before I speak. This is going to be a difficult hurdle for her. Teens care what others think about them. She has 2 sisters coming up behind her that are going to humiliate her, daily. How do I convince her to be empathetic when it is such a difficult thing for her anyway? I suppose my sisters could say I humilated them, too. I also beat the booty of anyone that hurt them so that kinda made up for it. Maybe her sisters could be trained to protect her. LOL I can see Patches kicking some boys butt because he made Cyr cry.

One of my girls is obsessed with a movie star in The New Moon. OBSESSED! Everyone gets crushes on movie stars or rock stars, it's normal. She believes she will be his girlfriend. I tried to explain to her about the reality of that happening and this child is convinced I am wrong and if she could get away without me following her around, she could find him and make him her's. I see a future movie star stalker. I'm serious. It's weird. I think she could convince herself she is his girlfriend. I know it is a symptom of her illness and it scares the heck out of me. Please stop letting her watch that movie at school. It only feeds her delusion. She may tell you it's OK and she knows the difference but it's only to get her way and see him again. She is having dreams about him and says she wants to go to sleep to be with him. How about The Princess and the Frog or Zombieland? Anything would be better than the Werewolf. Oh she says she knows they are meant to be together because he looks like her. SHe believes he is a werewolf and will protect her. Her Nanny told her to friend him on FaceBook. I can't wait to see how that goes.

Could It Be True?

Since the med addition, my son and Ruthie have been less violent! It took a couple of days but I can see huge changes in my son. He has let me redirect him several times and even repeated the words I asked him to when he was being mean to another child. It was amazing! He usually flips out and takes an hour to get it back together so he can do it. He is still having auditory hallucinations but has even been able to find humor in it. He laughed and said, "It's just me again" when he realized no one else was hearing someone outside throwing things at the house and running back in forth in the leaves. I was so shocked, I just stared at him. He forgot to set out his clothes and do his chore but smiled and did it when asked. I mean he is a different kid. I am so happy for him. He seems to be having fun now. Whoo Hoo!

This is our week for the state mandated testing. I have several that are completely freaked out by ANY testing and had to take meds this morning to cope. The last thing I told them as they left this morning was to make sure they made a bunch of mistakes on the test so they can stay in elementary school forever and be my babies. They all laughed and swore to try, for my sake.

I have a few houses to look at Sunday. It is so hard to find one big enough for us in our price range. We have to have 5 bedrooms or 4 with an unfinished basement, a 2 car garage, big eat in kitchen, both a LR and a Den, hardwoods on main level, and a yard bigger than a postage stamp in a certain city. I've already given in to a few things like a yard trumps hardwoods and a 5th bedroom. I'm still hopeful but getting frustrated.

Spring Is Here

We are surviving Spring Break. Ruthie, Ella, Ava, and Emma spent several nights at my MIL's. Ruthie lost her crap over there proving to her (I hope) that it is not me that makes her act that way, as she has constantly stated for the last year. She was able to get it together and stay the rest of the time there. Emma left from there and went to her Mother's so they could leave for their FL vacation. Michael and Patches left today to go to Kiki's but Michael was picked up to spend the weekend with his aunt and uncle. We stole Brooklyn, my niece, for the weekend.

Still house hunting. Still nothing.

We have officially packed up all our winter clothes. Let me tell you, it's no easy feat. We are trying to down size our lives a little before the move and it was great to send 12 bags of clothes to my sister's and Emma's Mom's. After getting rid of everything we don't need I was able to see what we really do. I ran by my favorite thrift store and picked up some short for my 2 oldest and my son. He has finally gotten big enough to go up a size. I bought him tons of size 6 before he moved in because he was 6 yrs old and it has taken him 4 years to out grow it. He will be 10 in a couple months. He has been retained twice in school and is still the smallest in his class. I ordered sandals tonight for a couple of kids and the rest just traded down to the next kid from last year. I think that is the best part in clothing so many kids, they just pass their stuff down. Someone will wear it.

Playing Hookie

Most of the kids had a day off school this week to go to the psychiatrist and therapy. Emma and Cyr did not. In fact, Emma has only missed 3 days this year so she stayed home with me for some Mom Time. Cyr was not allowed b/c we had Mom Time when she was suspended earlier in the year.

Emma will be at her other Mom's house next week and then they are off to FL. This will be her sist's first view of the ocean so it will be special. The best part is that her Mom will be going with all 4 of her girls. I couldn't be happier for her. She deserves these special moments and to do it with all 4 makes it even better. She has struggled to be in the life of 1 of the girls after she was adopted by a family member. Now she sees her almost every weekend. Her Mom has done so much to imporve herself and stepped up to be the parent she knew her kids needed. I love her so much and am so proud of her. I remember a time she didn't think she would ever be so clean and free of that lifestyle. I never doubted it. I always knew she was a diamond in the rough.

What Did We Do Before Kiera?

I feel like all we do is complain lately so I asked the kids what their favorite part of being in our family was. It was unanimous, Kiera. She is the life of our home. She is a giggle a minute. Of course that minute is after an hour long tantrum for not getting her way but it's such a great minute.

She has a firm grasp on manipulation and uses it to control each of us to do her bidding. I am her channel changer, urine disposer, food source, and I can't forget the taster of all the meals she prepares in her tiny kitchen while holding her latest baby.

My DH keeps her warm, helps her reach up and touch the ceiling at her command, her seat mate at dinner, and her defender when the kids piss her off.

You would really think that Cyr, 13, would be more help than she is with her. Anything she offers to do is far out weighed by her constant giggles when Kiera is mouthing off to me or hits another kid. She is working on that, Cyr not the baby.

Patches adores her. She will do almost anything she says. She can reach Patches' heart with the tiniest whisper "I love you so much" when the rest of us scream it from the roof tops to no avail.

Ruthie would be perfectly content being her mother. In fact, that is her favorite game. It is hard for her to carry Kiera with her cast on but that doesn't stop her from getting on the floor every afternoon and playing puppies.

Michael, like Cyr, thinks her aggressiveness is funny. He refuses to work on it but we are giving him some wiggle room since he also thinks farts are funny. She sees him as her personal wrrestling partner. She pins him so fast he hits his head. He is terrified she will get hurt so he pretty much lays there and takes it.

Emma is still a little shell shocked from the series of biting incidents. She has traumatized Emma and she winces when she tries to get close to her. It will pass and they will be best friends again soon.

Ava is always worried she will get in trouble if the child screams and is constantly held hostage by the darn 2 yr old. Now that is funny. She will rush around trying to get her to stop. She will will become silent the second you give her what you have. Poor Ava.

Ella is also held hostage but with her new found attitude she throws the item on the floor and pouts like she is the 2 yr old. Ella is a sucker for singing with her so she demands things like, "Happy Birthday" or "Sunshine" and she is expected to know where to start in the song and do it immediately. There is always multiple songs in a row and about 1/3 of each is sung, randomly.

It's funny to hear her call them to her and demand they play with her or do their chore. She knows how to work them and if you watch, she will smile afterward. Lately, her thing is to compare everything to her birth sister, Lexie. She will tell them "Lexie likes it" or My Lexie loves me". She is wicked smart, smarter than several of the kids and uses it to her advantage. At some point, I will have to intervene and protect the big kids from her scemes and plans to take over the world. For now though I can be seen darting across the room to save them from her slaps, kicks, and pinches. She is quick and has an amazing ability to find your weakest spot.

She loves to talk on the phone and will always cut you off with "Love you bye". I am the one one that hears the other end profess their love back at her. When she is done, she is done and long gone before you can reply.

I am almost afraid to mention that her nights are improving and she seems to have stopped waking up after every nap or in the morning to 20 minutes of screaming in my ear. She is opening up to having her own bed but only if it is right next to my side. I'm not sure how I will get out of bed but at least I will be able to turn over. I'm sure we are a long way from her sleeping through the night.

She likes to pick out her clothes and has 13 shoes. You read that right, the mates to all the shoes are gone. I think she eats them. She isn't picky about the size of the shoes she wears or who they belong to. More than once I have had to take a screaming child to the van after taking off her Daddy's size 15 flip flops off her feet. You can not explain to her why they aren't appropriate attire over her ear drum rupturing sounds.

That will all come to a halt once she notices her lovey next to her car seat. Anything can be fixed by just the presence of her lovey. She will go back to that sweet little girl we all adore. Usually, she has already begun singing with Ella or making farting sounds for her brother getting him to giggle when he is becoming anxious.

She is the center of our family. She has taught all my other children to be careful and how to care about her tiny life. She has helped them heal in ways I could never do. She has a heavy load to carry here and no one else could do it as well as she does. She loves each one of them "so much" and asks me a hundred times a day when her "guys will be home" from school. The second they run through the door, she jumps up to the table for snack and begins trying to trick them into giving her theirs.

Now That Jennie talked Me down From The Edge

I have a better grip on my emotions and can think a little clearer. What's done is done. We adopted them all. We are keeping them together until WE decide it's not safe anymore.

We will be making some serious changes over the next 6 months. When we move we will be taking hte security cameras to the next level. We will be putting some distance between the few that need it by having their rooms on different levels of the house. This will include multiple play areas instead of just one so they can get away from each other. We will have to figure out a way for him to be home. I can't be alone with them for much longer. It won't be safe as Michael grows and Patches is almost too large for me now.

Financially, this will be a struggle. I'm not sure how or what we will have to do to manage. We will be applying for SSI and expect it to take a year to process. We have been told we can increase their subsidy so we will be trying to do that, as well. It's this or separate homes, for Michael and I. He could take Michael with him. That will be a very last resort even though my DH is fantasizing about having his own bed.

Same Advice, Separate Them

Our appointments this morning were horrible. Kiera's always been aggressive and demanding but she was completely out of control during the appointment. I always bring a bag of toys, snacks, and her lovey. She slept well last night and on the way there. She was in a decent mood until she wasn't. About 2 minutes into it she started hitting. It quickly moved to kicking and screaming. There was no ignoring this tantrum. Eventually, I had to have Patches take her to the van and let her scream it out there. I am not kidding. There was no reason for it and she couldn't have been meaner. The psychiatrist even said that is not normal behavior for a 2 yr old. He asked me some questions about her background and then apologized that she can not return for our visits with the other kids. It was that bad.

Overall, he was OK. I have come to terms with never being satisfied with a pdoc. He feels that if the meds are working, then they are the right ones. I had hoped for a little more advice and increase for Patches but not for 3 more months. He added a new med to Michael but warned me that he fears none of them will be OK together long term. He said based on his experience, Patches, Michael, and Ruthie will need to be separated from each other and possibly the family in order to succeed. He tried to back off it a bit and say that he would need to get to know us better before being sure that would hold true for our family. He spoke a lot about how they trigger each other and can't back down. This will continue to worsen. Ruthie's main issue is protecting Michael. She has now added Kiera to that. I can not correct Kiera sternly without her losing her crap.

I go back Thurs with Ruthie and Ava. I am sick about it. I want to lay down and cry myself to sleep. In fact, that's where I am going now.

My Dream Home

I'm taking Patches and Michael to the new p doc tomorrow. I'm stressed out hoping this will be the one and worried he won't. Our therapist has had a death in the family and won't be going with us after all.

House hunting has begun and is not nearly as much fun as I had hoped. I found a 110 yr old home that is bank owned. I may be in love. There are several things that were not on my list like a huge yard. It is in the middle of the tiny town and across the street from the city park and public library. I keep telling myself that makes up for the yard. There is no basement for his reptiles but does have a couple of outbuildings that would work great. He doesn't necessarily agree. It claims to be 4 bedrooms but it has several other rooms that aren't living rooms or dining rooms so we could use it for extra bedrooms. We would have to get rid of tons of stuff but that is appealing to me. The kitchen and family room has been completely restored and is the best part. It has original floors, doors, and fixtures. The porch wraps around 2 sides and the other 2 are surrounded by a huge deck. It needs the windows replaced and that will be costly but I'm in love. The best part is the price. Our mortgage would be in the low $600s. That alone gets me excited. It is 8 miles to my sister's front door and about 20 min to my Mom's. I'm trying not to get my hopes too high before an inspection but I can't help it.

Ella has found her voice and attitude, too. She has always played the victim until recently. Now she is becoming my little instigator. It's almost funny, almost.

Let's Embarrass Mom Day

They admit they like me. They don't mind being here. They are very clear that I am replaceable with another nice lady. I was very calm and didn't let them know how it felt. I praised them for being able to talk about the hard stuff and feel safe enough that they know I will accept them no matter what. Ava even said, "You told us we didn't have to love you and you have enough love to go around." We talked about what love is. How it feels. How you know and other factors. Each explained it a little different but the same outcome.

Cyr was so shocked by what they said. She doesn't understand it. She said, "How can they call you Mom then?" I helped her remember a time when she called me Mom but didn't like or trust me. It came flooding back and she was silent. She knows exactly how. She trusts me now. She cares how things make me feel and how they effect me. She gets angry when they hurt me or act out. She is attached. She is still working on her boundaries with others but she loves me. She is my inspiration for the others. If she can love me, any of them can.

I'm not sure how all this got past me. I think a big part of my hurt feelings is that I didn't know. I thought we were past all this. I thought they loved me.

This morning we are trying to get to therapy and then to a baby shower for a very old friend of mine's daughter. I haven't seen any of these people in years and have been looking forward to it. I am bringing extra prn meds and praying all will work out. We don't attend any events like this. This will be our first that wasn't strictly family. I'm worried they will pull crap and I will look like a crazy mom. There will be many friends of mine from high school and early 20s. It is the equivalent to a high school reunion but with their families. I keep thinking I should cancel.

Screw Honesty

Ruthie has a beautiful hot pink cast on her foot. She did indeed separate the growth plates on her left foot.

I missed the conference that I was supposed to speak at because they ran out of time. They will be doing a second part shortly to and I will be asked back then. They raved about the taped sessions we had done and felt everyone got so much from seeing us in action.

I took Ella to pick up her new pink hearted braces. She is thrilled to wear them and show them off.

We had a frank discussion at dinner that began about compulsions, moved onto their feelings about their sexual acting out amongst each other, and landed on how they really don't love me. They were being honest. No one was mad or upset. Three feel no connection to me, at all. Patches said if her teacher asked her to live with her, she go and not look back. Ruthie is the one that started it and said I don't feel like a mom to her. She likes me but not like a mom. Ava was afraid she would have to leave and when I promised no way, she confessed she likes me but doesn't love me. None of them think they ever will. They all like me, for the most part. They think I would protect them most of the time. They do not feel like a part of our family. They do want to stay with their siblings but if it meant going somewhere else, that would be fine.

My heart broke. I thought we were doing so well. I didn't have the heart to ask Michael to join the conversation. Cyr heard it and tried to help them understand what they were saying when it became all too clear, they knew and were telling the truth.

The children I pour my heart and soul into don't love me. They feel I am replaceable and probably with a better model. Damn, it hurts worse than I thought.

Karma

I'm off to take Ruthie to the Orthopedist. She tripped over the neighbor on Saturday and separated the bone plates on the side of her foot. Something to that effect, DH took her so I'm going with his version. Remember, he is seriously going deaf and has short term memories issues from 2 traumatic brain injuries. Who knows what is really going on with her foot.

Secretly, I'm thinking, serves her right for breaking mine 6 weeks ago. Karma's a bitch. I'd never say it to her but I am thinking it.

Patches is trying to get out of showering again. She is so sneaky but I'm sneakier!

Cyr broke down last night. It hit her really hard that we are moving. I hate it for her. It hurts my feelings so bad but it will do 2 main things for her. It will help her Mom find some sanity and put some distance between her and her boyfriend. He is a nice kid in front of us but has done some really stupid, dangerous things. It is for the best for all of us but it will break her heart in the process.

Prison Isn't Looking So Bad

I must admit, having a delusional person in your family is difficult but having 2 is enough to drive me mad. There is no reasoning with them. Today's first stupid argument went as follows,

Patches foot touched the laptop on the floor and Michael told her in a threatening tone, "You need to stop kicking the computer."

P, "I didn't see it."

M, "Yes, your did. I saw you look down."

P yelling now, "No, I didn't! I hate you! Your a baby!"

M standing and then getting in her face, "You did! I saw you!"

P, " No, I didn't!"

M, "Yes, you did!"

They repeated the last 2 statements about 20 times before I could yell loud enough for them to hear me. I tried to reason with them and finally blew my top. My response was, "Until your eyes are in her head, you can't tell me what she saw. Not every one is being mean to you. (They both say this constantly and can't tell you what the other person has done BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. Sorry, back to regularly scheduled programing.) You are both required to stop talking to each other or I can't be responsible for my actions. If you are caught speaking to each other, I may or may not murder someone. GO!"

They repeated this argument about several different topics at least 10 more times. Is it wrong to count the days until they are 18? Probably only because they won't leave me until they are 40!

I swear I love them, well, most days. I'm so glad they have an 8:30 PM bedtime so I can recoup from the mere 5 hours an afternoon with them.

Pissed Off Over Pancakes

I got up and made pancakes for breakfast. The kids love them and we do this often adding different fruits or chocolate to them. Each child came to the stove to get theirs and add butter. They returned to the table to add syrup and eat them. Every child does this for themselves. We recently stopped running over the pancakes with the pizza cutter and suggested they try to cut them up with their fork. Nothing has been said about this until today.

Today, Patches was one of the first to start eating and when the others began, she went off. She insisted they were copying her. Everyone was confused. She screamed and slammed things around until I finally figured out what she was upset about. She claimed they were all cutting their pancakes with a fork, like her. I had them each show me simultaneously how they were doing it. It was painfully obvious that Patches was delusional. No one was "copying" her. They were eating. She went on for several minutes before slamming herself around the kitchen and throwing her plate at the sink. She continued to slam her room around for an hour.

This is one tiny example. I have 2 kids that are delusional like this. They have their own thoughts and rules and we all must abide by them or we get this. They hold us hostage with their delusions and paranoia. Most days, I can see it for what it is. Some days, I'm just sick and tired of it. Today, I'm sick of it.

She has just blown up again and gone to her room. This time she is angry because she felt it was her turn with a ball so she took it. The others all agree it was Ella's turn. She called me a *itch and went to her room. There is no pleasing her. If I try to explain it to her she thinks I am out to get her. If I let her stew in it, there are 2 possibilities. She will eventually calm down and come back or she will continue to escalate and we have to intervene physically.

All this started over pancakes.

Don't Hold Your Breath

The therapist and I discussed our current struggles and my perception of them. Something happens when you live with certain behaviors over a long period of time, your normal changes. The things that I have been willing to tolerate or write off as things we have to deal with is need of a tune up.

I watched, along with millions, the 20/20 show last Friday about Childhood Schizophrenia. It made me stop and look at our situation. One family had made a point to take down all the doors in their home because their daughter had tried to strangle her sibling behind a closed door. They showed a child in crisis screaming for help and to go to the hospital. It gave me something to compare ourselves to. I'm not saying my kids are sicker than theirs, I'm saying we deal with that stuff and it didn't occur to me how bad it is. We don't have the opportunity to see other families with our issues to see where the line should be drawn. In our household, the line is just moved as their needs increase. I read others blogs or have other supportive relationships online but I don't see their crisis, I hear about it. It is much different.

This isn't the fist time my son has wrapped his hands around his siblings neck. We hear our children scream to go to the hospital because they can't be safe or fear their will hurt someone. This has become a regular behavior that we moved the line to make room for. These things have decreased in their frequency but intensified. They used to rage and scream that they hated me or wanted to live somewhere else. They now scream they want to die or kill me. How did that become "normal"?

I know how this has happened. I haven't been able to consider splitting them up for more than a few nights. Like a frog placed in cool water, we never noticed it was getting hot until it was boiling. I seem to have some stupid need to fix all their boo boos myself. My self esteem seems to be mixed up in being their mom and not giving up. The isolation has helped me convince myself it isn't as bad as it is. The wonderful children the world sees outside of our home. If I am completely honest, I worry that if they have to go, we will drown financially due to hospitalization costs and lost AA. So, I keep on managing. After all, once the crisis is over, they are exhausted and I can convince myself we made it and maybe I was wrong about how sick they are. I find myself trying to prove they dx are all wrong, in my head, and they are right to my DH. How weird is that? I guess, I need him to understand while I am quietly hoping to prove it all wrong.

It is becoming increasingly obvious that they shouldn't have been placed together. At least one of them desperately needed to be separated from the rest. She is triggered worse today than ever. We are narrowing down the treatment possibilities that will end in her hospitalization. (If you have read here more than once, you are aware that I do not want to consider hospitalization and constantly give myself a time line to consider it again then move it up over and over. I fear long term hospitalization would trigger their intense abandonment/attachment issues.) What if the thing I have fought the hardest against is what needs to happen? What if they all need some separation to change the cycle they are in?

I left the appointment with some ideas to go back to. Things we have stopped doing that need to be incorporated once again. Things that will make us all feel like failures. Things that have to be done to prevent catastrophic incidents. Sometimes you need a kick to the head to see things clearly. I'm glad we have good therapists that are more than willing to step on my toes when I need it. Our therapist is processing the application for a program called CBAY. It's a step above IFI and before long term hospitalization. It's a last resort to maintain them here at home. He is sure we have plenty of documentation to qualify so it's just a matter of time.

On a better note, LOL not really, Michael is hallucinating. I'm sure of it. It's denied by him but he is at least hearing things. He is looking around like he is being called. He settles back in and does it again. Over and over. I said his name a few minutes later and he didn't respond. I said it again and he looked around and back down. I'm not sure if I explained that well but it is obvious he hears something and he can't tell the difference between the real noise/voice and the hallucination. His delusions are increasing and he made a commitment today to try to let me help him determine if the other child is really trying to get him in trouble or harm him before he attacks them. I'm not holding my breath and I don't suggest you do either.

Choke or Strangle?

Ruthie was able to keep herself together while her brother melted down last night. I couldn't even find the energy to get upset about him. Ava and Michael had taken it upon themselves to clean off the back deck. It was very sweet until he wasn't. She wanted to move the chairs to the back part of it. He didn't and yelled she was being mean to him. She walked past him to get another chair. He pushed her in the stomach and jumped on her wrapping his hands around her throat. He tried to choke her but she is bigger than he is and was able to knock him off. When the story was related to me by Ava, he became enraged with me. He didn't want her to use the word choke. If she explained it without that word, he was fine with the explanation. It makes no sense but that has become my life. It's acceptable to strangle your sister but not to choke them. Go figure.