My laptop crashed last week and I have resorted to stealing my children's desktop to access the internet. I had my husband move it into my room because I could not stand it any longer and had begun having the shakes.

Lots has happened, the lice is still here, I have discovered a great way to get my son to cooperate with me, we are almost ready for school on Monday, and we have had just a few big tantrums in the last week. The lice showed back up today on my youngest and she refuses to sit still to have them removed. She is currently out on the back porch having the remaining nits picked out and then another round of shampoo and gel for all of us.

I stopped giving my son an audience and so now I give him a good choice and a bad choice and walk away. Sometimes he struggles and goes to his room to get a grip and he is still hitting the kids several times a day. When I am not looking he chooses the good one, if I stay and wait it becomes a tantrum. He has admitted to hurting someone a few times but nothing regular. Voila, a much happier Mom!

I have gone through most of the clothes and set out outfits for the first week for everyone so we won't have to argue every day about what they have to wear. I had to have them try many things on and pass them down to the next kid and that did not go over well. They seem so attached to their things and really struggle with giving them away even if they do not fit. I allowed them to keep a few things if there was a real reason, like a gift from their parents or something. I have a ton of stuff to be donated this week and make more room for us.

My 8 yr old destroyed her room earlier in the week and emptied a black pen all over the walls. She has not had a huge fit in about a week and needed a release I guess. My son broke his door again in another fit and both have been busy doing chores to pay for them.

Things are really falling into place and we have been able to venture out a few times lately. Walmart is getting easier and movies are great. The school is ready for them and I think I have speech worked out.

I have decided to try to consolidate my notes for my worker about the kids behavior and this blog. I am having a hard time finding time to maintain both and feel this might work for now. My plan is to do this every day but I do not see that happening. As I have said before I can not spell check this thing so am sorry for the many errors.

My son is by far my most challenging child and takes up so much of my time. Yesterday I had to hold him in my lap or on the floor 2 times but both lasted less than 45 minutes. He is so sweet afterward and always claims he is sorry. He spent some time in his room and locked the door many times so I just took off the handle. He then had the option of leaving the door open or in his anger he could choose to shut the door and wait until his time was up to have me open it. With the handle off he is unable to open his door from the inside and I always left it open for him to choose. He closes it every time and has to wait until he calms to have it opened. He went on a errand alone with me and was an angel.

The older girls stayed home with my husband last night and I took the 3 little girls with me to my monthly meeting with Katrina Survivors I have been working with since last year. I love these folks and enjoy seeing them. They are working so hard to improve their lives and settle in. I found them all in different hotels in the area after the hurricane and and ended up helping over 300 people find hotels and then apartments. I called a local Unitarian church (that I now attend) and got their support and we started a support group for these folks. My girls were great and ate well. The older kids trashed the house with Dad and did not clean up before bed. I really needed the time out but was irritated that I came home to so much more work than I expected. I can assure you it will not happen again. He needs to parent not play.

I talked to the therapist and he agreed to step up sessions with my son to determine if Attachment Therapy would be beneficial. My agency is worried that DFCS will refuse to let me now that they are so critical of bottle feeding and holding therapy. I am angry b/c I discussed this from the first meeting and they agreed. Now they are being butts.

This morning my 8 yr old threw a fit b/c she is mad about the way her brother treats her. I can't blame her but she can not take it out on the rest of us either. She calmed after about 20 minutes and told me she doesn't love me anymore. I always respond with "That's ok, sweetie, I love you." It makes her mad and I only say it once but later she tells me she doesn't mean it. She was supposed to be the most difficult but turns out she reminds me alot of me at that age. Angry. I was so mad at everyone and threw fits just like her. Not really hitting my sisters but the walls and making myself more miserable as some sort of punishment to my mother. I get her. She just ran in here to tell me she was going to be a hooker when she grows up! I asked her if she knew what it was andshe said, "Yeah, I will get to wear your high heal boots, right?" She is a trip, I told her not to run around saying that and what it meant. She no longer wishes to be a hooker. LOL

We have the word from our agency that the children are Level 1 and the per diem is the basic rate. My agency is so upset that they are paying us a little more out of their pocket. I am angry and confused. As disturbed as my children are there is no way they are Level 1. On top of that they consider our placement the middle of the month and anything before is a visit. So they are getting away without paying anyone for a period. How wrong is that?

I had a horrible experience with a police officer yesterday. I called to have one come out b/c my 6 yr old son had lost control again. It was really a normal day but my children and I am tired of being abused by him b/c he does not get his way. An officer called me back and I explained our situation and his issues and that I really thought it might help to have an officer write up a report and explain that he was assaulting us and it was not acceptable. Turns out there is nothing they can do unless he involves a weapon and it is all my fault he is not under control. He explained if he came out he would be removing all of my children and charging me with neglect for failure to protect my other children from him. He was so nasty to me even after I tried to explain he came to me like this and it is from neglect blah, blah, blah. He told me to just give him back then if he was so bad. What? I was more upset by that than his other threats. Give him back, like he was a broken toy. Just return him. I ended up losing control of my tears and raised my voice that that was the very htinking that put my son inthe situation he is in. I can't believe their are officers this ignorant on the force in his position. I got so frustrated I just hung up on him. What else can I do? I can't educate every officer inthe county or can I?

My kid's SW still insists I have to have fingerprints and drug screens done on anyone who babysits my children. That is such a crock of crap. No where does it say that is a requirement. I am begining to think they want us to disrupt. Maybe to find cheaper families, I don't know what else it could be. My thought is to find another fosterparent in metro Atlanta to trade babysitting with me b/c they will meet that criteria. I can't even find a support group for fosterparents in one of the largest counties here. I am very frustrated with this system and am searching for any advice on how to deal with this issue. I am at a loss. My agency thinks this is crazy b/c they can't find it written anywhere that sitters must meet this level of background checks. What can I do? Has anyone ever heard of this? They claim it must be at my expense. Drug screens are expensive and fingerprints can take a very long time to be returned b/c ours was like 12 weeks.

I think I have a grip on the lice issue. My sister canceled plans with us this weekend b/c she did not want us to share the love. I can't blame her, I would run too. She is about the only person willing to put up with all of us and she asked if we could make it a regular visit on Fridays. I am thrilled b/c I am starting to get a little bored with only kids to talk to. My sister, Kiki (a child hood nickname), is the kindest bravest person I know. She is truley the best friend I have ever had. Considering the fact that we are having kids sexually acting out she insists on bringing her kids to visit and get to know them. (Of course we watch like hawks and do not let them out of our sight!) She knows this behavior will eventually passs and she doesn't want to miss getting to know them, it means so much to me.

My son actually admitted that he hurt his sister twice this week. It is funny how I have begun to measure tiny steps as momentous. He is doing better in a couple of areas and I know he will take some steps back but the fact he made one forward gives me the strength to hang on and wait for the next one. He is so loving and sweet when he wants to be. His sleepwalking is driving me crazy. He came into my room last night and stood over my bed for a couple of minutes. I walked him back to bed and went downstairs and removed anything sharp from the kitchen, I know I am over reacting but it scared me. He can be so violent before he thinks who knows what could happen when he isn't in control.

I can't wait for school to start in 15 days!!!!!!!!!! I took them shoe shopping and got them all a new pair of tennis shoes. It cost a fortune! The older ones were so excited to have their first pair of designer shoes. They bought New Balance nad Nike and you would have thought they got a pair by Jimmy Choo. I could never afford those so thank goodness they are thrilled with these.

WE HAVE LICE!!!!!!!! My youngest has been scratching since we met her and I have looked several times and found nothing so I assumed she was sensitive to our shampoo and have changed it several times trying to find one htat she could tolerate. This morning I saw something in her hair when it was wet and we were outside. She has light hair and I guess it makes it harder to see the damn things. I have spent the entire day scrubbing heads, clothes, toys, sheets, comforters, and scrapping those fucking things out of her hair. I have 7 children I have had to do this to. I HATE LICE!!!!! I hope they die, I can't hardly stand it. I can't stop itching!!!! It is so gross! She had hundreds of live bugs in her hair and thousands of eggs.

I calle her old foster mom to warn her that she had them and to check her kids. She became extremely defensive and blamed me for them. I assumed they came from daycare b/c she told me they have had a really hard time with them. I never accused her of anything and was really offened by her response. This child has had them for some time and a lot longer than she has been here. I have no idea how the rest of us got away without them. We will probably break out soon, too. I have treated everything and and everyone and will again next week in hopes of avoiding a huge outbreak before school starts back. I am so thankful to have found it before school, can you imagine the first week of school being sent home for lice? We stand out enough on our own.

My kids had a visit with their parents yesterday, all was fine until we tried to leave. My daughter kept telling me her tummy hurt and b/c she refuses to use the restroom anywhere but home I assumed that was the issue. I was wrong! She ended up vomitting in the dining room at Burger King. When we were in the van and gt goinh she had been told to puke in the BK bag her sister had. Well, she started to get sick and assumed my 8 yr old could read her mind and leaned over and puked on P's lap. Then P started getting sick and I had 7 children gagging in unison. It was so gross, it was all over the van and the floor and the children. I don't think the van will ever be the same.

I have had a hard time sleeping this week b/c my husband left town for the week on Monday. As soon as I fell asleep my oldest woke me up to tell me her nose was bleeding. This happened 3 more times and again today on our way to the therapist's office. I teased her that she really just did not want to go to therapy. Her eyes widened and she asked if this meant she didn't have to go in. LOL She was sooooo disappointed.

After therapy I took them to McDonalds to play and they were great. I am so tempted to try the movies tomorrow. The Wild is playing and they really want to see it. We are getting better in public and I don't want to waste the littel bit of summer we have. I don't mind having to stop and come home if needed and I always have other treats for the good ones. Maybe I am crazy or maybe I am wrong and should keep them home. I guess I am selfish, I want to see the movie and I am tired of staying in the house.

A miracle has happened, my son got really mad twice and did not hit, kick, or spit on me! I am so proud of him. I think he is sleep walking at night. He wakes up several times a night a to use the restroom or so I thought and I find him standing in the hall crying. Most nights I can take him back to his room quietly but a few times he just cries and won't answer me. Last night I rocked him back to sleep and he was so beautiful in my arms that i realized how much I am falling in love with him and his sisters. I can't believe how a mother can love and bond with a child that treats them the way they treat me. I was surprised and overwhelmed at the thought I am doing this. I long for them to heal and feel the same about me but I know there is a chance my feelings will not be returned. As I got them ready to go out this morning I realized some of them are starting to bond with me too. My children are resilent.

Lots of things are happening but I do not have the time or energy to write about them all. Kids are still here as an extended visit, DFCS can not work out their Level of Care so we are just long term babysitters. That sucks! We are really getting worried about money b/c they are so expensive. I have to buy school supplies, shoes, clothes, and haircuts before school and will not get reimbursed b/c they are not formally here. DFCS is not paying anyone for the kids and I am more than a little pissed off. Don't get me wrong, we are not doing this for the money but we can't do it without it. Our case has gone all the way up the food chain. I got an email from Governor Perdue letting us know everyone is involved and who he had assigned to keep an eye on this case. I just want to be sure this is going to be ok. I am happy with the basic rate even though they are not basic children.

My kids are a mess. I did get to sleep last Saturday night b/c my DH and MIL took the kids to a movie. They are all over the place. I can't shop with them b/c someone throws a fit. I am being hit, bit, spit on, pinched, screamed at, and basically abused by my beautiful children. My DH sees nothing, thank goodness he believes me. DD loves the kids, they are good to her for the most part and she loves having someone to play with. Let's face it if one is mean, she finds another. I am so proud of how great she is doing. With that said, my 6 and 7 yr old have taught her to french kis the dolls. She thought they were licking them, EEWWWW!

I am having a little trouble with the oldest, she refuses to give up her mother role and it seems to be getting worse. She is very sweet most of the time but will sulk when I have to correct her. The one they said was the most difficult has turned out to be the easiest to deal with. Her tantrums are loud and obnoxious but better that than being hit or kicked like with the younger ones. Let it out, girl, just not on me. Down from there the 6 and 7 yr olds are the hardest for the reasons I mentioned. I can handle their incestuous relationship and do not let them out of my sight but quit spitting in my fucking face! The twins are easy. They are bonding with us and rarely have a serious issue. One of them is delayed and doesn't understand most of what's going on so that can cause a moment of distress for her. She is easily turned around.

My house is a mess. Chores are difficult. I have to walk each one throuh them. It sucks. It would be easier doing them alone. DFCS will not help with daycare, I really never thought they would but it was a good try. I can't hire anyone b/c I can't afford it. School is my saving grace. Only a few weeks left. Thank God!!!! I am trying to register them now but still have not gotten all the paperwork from DFCS. Imagine that. The twins start PreK this year and have their Orientation next Saturday. They are so excited. My DD starts Kindergarten this year, I may cry she is so big and time has flown by. The others are concerned about riding the bus, they do not want to. I may try to take them since it is at the front of our neighborhood and I have to drive the twins anyway. We'll see.

My first conversation with the director of my agency and she was so very nice about it but why did it have to be about this? My 7 yr old and one of the twins were talking to me about what they wanted to wear to the dentist today and helped pick outfits for the little ones and I found an outfit for the 7 yr old in their room. I waited for her to dress and went to give the other 2 girls their clothes. Came back in and the 7 yr old says, "I was taking her picture". The 4 yr old had no clothes on and was on the bed. I was surprised to say the least but was full blown shocked when I saw the pictures. She had her positioned in 4 very disturbing pictures on her sister's camera phone. It seemed to me she could not have thought these poses up herself. Who knows. She was surprised I was surprised. I did not over react and told her that was unsafe. It was hard to keep her tuned in to me b/c she shuts down so fast but we did talk a little. She knows now that we do not touch other people's privates, look at other people's privates, show ours, and we do NOT photograph ours or others private areas. I had not thought to add that before, obviously my mistake. What else have I forgotten? I am confident they will help us out with that in the very near future with things like strangers, hanging from the roof (our son's thoughts, WOW), throwing rocks, when we should tell mom and dad stuff and what stuff is the right stuff. I had them tell me their thoughts and ideas around this. I think we are on the same page for now, I am sure they will come up with another situation we had not prepared for. They are so clever and creative. I did delete the pictures immediately for fear they would be seen. AAAHHH!!!

We woke to our 8 yr old's horrible mood, she picked a fight with anyone that would let her. Something my 5 yr old said set her off and what a roller coaster ride we had for about an hour. The 5, 4, and 6 yr olds were talking when they moved back with their mom and dad. My 5 yr old repeated what has been said a million times by everyone in the house, "if you can't go home you will all live together here with us". The 8 yr old screamed and sucked the 6 yr old in and they went after my 5 yr old. It happened within seconds and I heard it start to escalate and ran in there to see my 6 yr old shove my 5 yr old and the 8 yr old freaking out. She withdrew when I attempted to discuss and gave her the option of talking now or later. She chose later and went downstairs only to harass hte others. I called her out and she actually explained she was angry and had no idea why and 5 yr old made her mad so she went after the other girls. WOW, go girl. She was praised for verbalizing it and told she had to chose a good deed for each of the people she went after. She bawled in my lap for about 45 minutes and calmed to do her good deeds. She realized it was out of her hands about going home and it is a possibility she may not. She asked me about 10 times today if she could live here if she can't go home and if I would make her leave if she was mean to me. I reassured her she was welcome and she seemed to need me more today in a positive way. Progress? Probably not but she releases her emotions freely here.

On a MUCH better note. All of the children have seen a dentist. The younger three are fine and go back in 6 months. The older three have an appointment again tomorrow for fillings and sealants. My 10 yr old is having 4 baby teeth pulled b/c they are very loose and the other tooth has come in under it. She has been complaining about them and has not been able to eat much without pain for a couple of days. We did have some anxiety show it's evil head but the folks at the office were great and gave us a separate area to wait until they could go back out and play video games and watch Monsters, Inc. They all did as they were told by the staff. We went to lunch after the appropriate length of time and then to the park. Since we have been back, several moments of varying levels of tantrums, so they are back to normal. I was beginning to feel like I was in control of our day, thank goodness they could tell I needed some cuddle time and obliged.

So my kids are rearranging the rocks in our yard, why you ask, who the heck knows but it is something they love to do. So they are being very good and I actually sat down to rest a moment before making dinner when a child screams. I jumped up and my son is on the ground and the girls are around him. The guilt set in, I should have been out there, I should be everywhere at once, how dare I rest, you know the usual. I knew whatever happened was an accident b/c the new camera was on them and I never heard a single negative thing, they had been laughing. Back to the issue, my 8 yr old decided the rocks were getting heavy and thought it was a good idea to throw one. My son stood up at the right moment and BAM in the head.

I took a look at his head once the bleeding slowed and I knew we had a trip to make. He was so great, he did everything they said, of course never complained, and laid very still for them. I asked him later if they asked him in a special way that made him comply, he just smiled. He was very high and quite the character. He charmed all the nurses and the doctor was very impressed how he handled pain. (He can be so cute, it is so sad.) He ended up with 6 staples and 2 popsicles.

His sister had to be there to hold his other hand and to learn what she needs to do to care for him while he heals. Not sure that was such a great idea now that she was a little too interested in the process and has decided to be a doctor so she can staple other people. (Yes, I have removed all staplers from the house and explained many times the doctor has had LOTS of school to do it. I am a little nervous, I must admit.) She does seem to be concerned about him and his injury, maybe a little guilt? Probably not but a mother can dream, can't she?

I worked so hard to develop a relationship with both sets of foster parents only to have one of them shit on me. They complained about the way I am parenting, I am in it for the money, and I treat them like a baby and feed them bottles. I can not express my hurt and anger. I hav ebeen informed to stop all holding and bottles. I am furious, have I mentioned that? I had a had time being nice, I wanted to say something so bad.

Anyway the kids are home for good. It is an extended visit, so no per diem until they work it out. Guess I am all about the money. All I wanted was my kids, now I have them and we are starting attachment therapy this Friday. My kids have their first dental appointments, ever, on Monday. They are home!!!!!!!!!!

Took the kids back and I am exhausted. They had big plans for the holiday and I feel it is important for them to be involved. My son was up evey 1/2 hour or so vommitting. Of course he was fine this morning and I can't function. Four hours in the car did not help.

We had the usual tantrums but over all a great weekend. We actually took them to see Ice Age 2 and they sat through it, My MIL, her sister and her daughter, my husband, and I took all 7 so we had plenty of back up.

The cameras showed up today and were installed to the play areas. I am not so sure I am thrilled with them but I need to experiment withthem later to work out the kinks.

I would love to discuss the search for a PT nanny and attachment therapist consultaion tomorrow. Right now I am going to bed.

This is not going to be pretty so leave now if you are offended by foul language.

I am so fucking pissed off at DFCS for not getting their shit together I may explode by Wednesday. They did not have a meeting that I know of and if they did they did not let anyone know what was decided. I am working with complete morons and I want to fire them all. Problem is I do not have that authority.

They are fucking my family up even more, if that's possible. Not to mention their other foster siblings and parents. My kids cry about coming here and cry when we tell them they can't stay. Why can't I win the lottery and support them w/o the need for a stipend. I am generally a decent person, when do I get a break? I have been nice enough for long enough. I will not continue to do this, get it done or cancel this. They will go home Tuesday night and I will get them again on Friday, they had better figure something out by then b/c I am not bringing them back to the foster parents. They are done with this as well. One of them has a 9 month old baby she needs to pick up and can't until mine are moved out.

On our way home today from pick up, the 8 yr old drove everyone in the van crazy forthe last hour. As we pulled in our neighborhood I pulled over and had her get out. She had to walk, with me behind her, home.

When we arrived here, they proceeded to trash my house. Toys everywhere. I put most of the toys in the garage but the ones left they spread throughout the house. I screamed for the fist time for them. They had to all sit in time out until I calmed down. They had water all over the place upstairs in the computer area, hubby was in the next room but never looked. Gotta love him. I had them all clean up and put every toy in the play room and they must have permission to play with anything. I am done fussing over toys.

I did have a moment with my 8 yr old during this mess. I addresses my tantrumers and explained if they felt the need to throw a fit and not clean up, go for it, they would clean it up alone. SHe got smart mouthed and acted like she did not know what I was talking about. I showed her a tantrum! The kids were shocked. I asked them if I looked crazy b/c that's what they looked like when they did it. She got up and cleaned up and even did it so well she was the first done. Later she asked if that was really how she looked.

So I took my son to the doctor b/c he was complaining his ear hurt. Turns out his ear drum ruptured from a middle ear infection. His other ear is severely scarred from previous infections. Poor thing, he was really in pain and barely talked about it.

As we left the office he decided to let out some aggression and refused to get in the van and then to put on a seat belt and then started kicking the seat infront of him. I had to remove him and wait for him to get it together. It took 45 minutes of attention getting behaviors for him be able to sit in the van. He pinched me repeatedly along with kicking, screaming, ramming his head into me, pealing his nail until it bled, oh did I mention he was screaming like I was torturing him? Because we have a disabled parking sticker we park up front by the door, you know the door where EVERYONE comes in and out of and stared at us. I was really proud of myself b/c I maintained my cool and did not have to sing. I really did not mind. Most of the others were great during his meltdown and actually surprised me by cleaning out the van while we waited. One child, my 7 yr old, screamed and pulled out a pretty good bit of hair while this happened. We stopped and grabbed subs afterwards as a treat for behaving during a difficult time. The other 2 had leftover dinner from last night. Still good, but not a treat.

The kids had a visit witht their family at the visitation center Wednesday. I drove them the 2 hours there and took my DD to dinner while they visited. The ride home was hell! Their mother told them she would bring them the rest of their things next time and asked me if I was going to change their names in front of them. They all cried, no screamed all the way home. I had to pull over several times to try to calm them. It took us almost 4 hours to get home. I refuse to take them to hte goodbye visit alone, Dh will have to take off work. It was another day of hell Thursday but seemed to calm down Friday. Only to take back off this morning.

This morning I slept in b/c the kids did. The eldest (10) came in and told me our son had slipped into our 7 yr olds bed. (I must confess the alarms are on the doors but are set for a chime instead of buzz and he must not have closed the door all the way one of the many times he gets up to use the bathroom.) I started into their room and she came running back and pushed me into my room to tell me he had been humping her (the 7 yr old) earlier that AM. I kept my cool and asked all the kids to go to their room and asked them separately what they saw or did. I never accused or seemed angry and assured them I would not yell and they would not have to leave (the eldest asked over and over).

What I can figure out is he crawled into her bed and they moved to the 8 yr old's bed and I think the 8 yr old took off the 6 yr old's pull up and they 7 and 6 yr old fondled and humped each other. The 8 yr old tried to push them off her bed and never said a word to them. She later tried to get off the bed but one of the kids held her foot and asked her not to tell. Another point is all 3 of them are delayed and have RAD.

Luckily, all 3 of the 4 yr olds slept very late in a separate room and never knew anything happened. This is lucky b/c they slept about 3 hours past the usual wake up time. After breakfast we sat all the kids down and without pointing any fingers or saying names we explained one of our children had touched another child's private parts in the early morning and thay the alarms are being set to buzz and new rules were being imposed. The DD I have had since she was a baby said the 6 yr old must have done it b/c he keeps touching her private parts. My heart sank I had to swallow hard and I saw my DH sit up straight. The 6 yr old tried to deny it at first and she was very firm, "Yes, you do and I keep telling you to knock it off!" He became silent. I did not allow her to go into the details in front of the kids but did say she was right we do not allow ANYONE to touch our private parts. She asked me in private if she did it right and I told her how proud I was and if it ever happened in the future she should tell me right away. She does not seem tramatized at all but irritated by it. He never touched her skin but did try to touch her panties.

Some of the new rules are
1. All bedrooms are locked during the day unless I open them for a specific reason.
2. When playing hide and seek, every kid must hide alone.
3. Doors are set to buzz and I must see them reenter their room at night.
4. At shower time, the dressing and undressing must be done in bathroom with door shut the entire time. (up until now, we keep our son in another room and the girls come out in a towel and leave the bathroom door open b/c they are scared NO MORE) I will stand in there if they need me to but the door is closed.
5. They must play in a public room at least 3 at a time or with me present. (sometimes I just can't be with all of them so if they are in the living room with several children I think that should do while I am using the restroom or something)
6. I am putting baby monitors or a speaker system in their rooms and play area. (DH is looking for one right now)

Did I under react? I am trying not to freak out b/c I don't think it would help them feel like they can tell me future incidents. I think I expressed how serious this is without flipping out. I am committed to these kids, realized how comitted when my daughter said he had touched her and I was not mad at him but felt bad for him. He is my son and she is my dauhgter, I love them both. I have to protect ALL the kids. I want to make sure I have looked at all the angles and have covered them so it does not happen again, I know I can not be everywhere all the time, but I must do better.

Very sad thing happened today, my 8 yr old was told to throw a box she destroyed during a meltdown yesterday away. She took the usual half an hour to comply and meanwhile the other children and I had moved on with life. We were all in my room talking and playing on the computer when I heard her crying. This is not unusual so I did not jump up to her rescue, I assumed she was still mad about having to clean up after herself. She started screaming and I did not recognize the sound so I ran down to her, thinking she was hurt. Turns out she didn't see me around the first floor and though I had left her behind. She actually sobbed in my lap until she fell asleep clinging to me. I felt horrible. I know I didn't do anything wrong but I was surprised she became so upset. She has not left my side, literally, the rest of the day. My husband took the other girls with him to get a part for his truck and ice cream and she refused to leave me behind. As I am typing this she is about 2 feet away in my bed watching news instead of playing. I wonder what happened in her past that has her so upset. I would love to get feedback if anyone has any ideas, she won't talk to me about it at all.

Found out that DFCS is stopping all of the family visits for the kids and are doing so at the end of the month. They still have not told the family or the kids or my worker for that matter, just hte foster parents. The timing is crappy, it makes it look like we are stoping the visits. I am more than upset but at the same time a tiny part of me is relieved I won't have to make that drive every other week. I understand why they ar stopping the visits, TPR was granted but they told us they would continue them until hte appeal was over. I wonder if they are trying to show the parents they need to agree to drop the appeal or else. I wish it wasn't at my expense. The kids will have some contact after the adoption, so why play games with this now. Crazy fools.

The weekend was eventful. Our son had a really hard time and I have had to enforce the "Not outta my sight" rule for him. He hits with regularity any time he feels like it and lies to my face after he had been caught. I found many broken toys and DVDs throughout the house that I am sure he hid. He screamed lovely things at me when he was angry and informed his foster mother upon his return that he was never going to that place again.

Our 8 yr old refused to cooperate and ended up chosing to stay in her room and scream for 2 hours rather than pick up a few items of clothing. She had several meltdowns this weekend and they seem to be escalating. I am called wonderful names and she spits, screams, throws things, makes herself throw up, kicks, and hits. An all around good time for all. The good thing is she screams I am hurting her (I am definitley not)and the other kids would come running. Sunday they just kept going about their business and the eldest even told her to "knock it off, she ain't hurting you" during a bad one. She has to clean up her mess after a fit and does it easily.

These kids will eat anything and they never stop amazing me at mealtime. Most of them love the new chores I have given them. I have paired them up to do the hard ones and they are fighting over who gets to do it. I know, that won't last but I can dream can't I?

Father's Day has come and gone and my husband was the laziest person alive (if that's what you call alive). He stayed in bed for breakfast, served by the kids, and refused to get up until 1:30 PM. Then he just came down and sat in his chair until dark! He barely moved and I am not sure he ever got up to use the bathroom. Talk about milking it. He would ask the kids to get his lunch and drinks b/c it was Father's Day. They loved it and waited on him hand and foot. We do not usually let them do thse things for us for obious reasons so they got a kick out of it.

One of the twins threw a huge fit in the store and actually had to be carried out. This stupid woman actually interupted our meltdown to ask if the child had braces on her feet b/c she did as a child, too. WTF? I was pissed! How rude. I responded to her that it was so kind of her to point out my child's disability at a time when she needed to be reassured she was loved. I have noticed how rude people are to me in public. I get snide remarks under their breath and they tell my kids how to behave and such. I told a woman at the doctor's office who insisted on correcting my kids, "Thank you for parenting my children." For the most part, they are good in public, I am trying to figure out my limits.

The same child struggled at home later and most of the weeeknd. Her standard response was "NO!" regardless what the question was. She is probably the most healthly emotionally of the children. She was pretty clingy when she did calm down and the last day was an angel.

My son runs to the defense of any of his siblings and is qick to yell at the one in charge of hurting them. While my 7 yr old cries and threatens to throw stuff at me when I had to hold the twin in a safe position during a fit she was having. My son and this 7 yr old later plucked the letters off my laptop and lost them.

My 8 yr old was held during a fit last weekend to protect her from herself. This weekend, while I was holding the 7yr old during lunch b/c she lunged at me screaming, "You don't love me!!!" in a voice that came from deep within her, was happy to explain to the others, "Mommy does love her and she is just keeping her safe. Don't worry she is a good Mommy and she knows how to keep us safe and she is not hurting her." (Everything I have said to her while I had to keep her from hitting herself and destoying her things.) I only found out later from my husband and was amazed at how she applied our momments together last week to her sister.

There is point when you begin to feel like your new children are yours. I did not think it would be this soon but I am starting to feel this way. It is an amazing feeling. They are very active and angry kids. They are needy and clingy. They are becoming mine.

Turns out there is a freeze on per diems in several counties here. This county places all kids, regardless of their needs, on the basic level. They do not even go through the process of assessing the children and putting them on a level. With this being said, my agency informed me the hold up is being dealt with and the Office of Adoptions is giving htem a waiver to lift the freeze in this case. The children will be assessed and placed on the appropriate level. Yeah!!!! Of course it is taking some time but it will be done.

I will pick up the children tomorrow but we are not sure when the actual move in date will be. I think we have all agreed it is better fot the older girls to do it first. They have stopped all therapy sessions and they need it the most. Their foster family planned a vacation the week they were supposed to leave so they have to be out by June 18th. It will probably happen by then without a huge issue.

Another huge thing happening is we have decided to move! Not your usual look for a house and move. We bought this house last summer anticipating a multicultural family, turns out our kids are white and use the "N" word in casual conversations. (We do not and have never so it is quite shocking) They will be attending a school that is only 14% white, this is obviously an issue. My husband mentioned this issue to a man he has done side work for for awhile, his response was, "I have a great home for you!". Turns out he is buyng the house accross the street from his old house and planned on leaving the old one vacant for friends and family when they visit.

We went to look at it and were shocked! First of all the house accross the street is an ESTATE! Really he paid almost $5 million for it. The house on the other side of our new home is listed for $3 million. Our home is no where near that much but probably in the $1 -1.3 million range. It is a traditional looking home like something I have seen in older CT homes. It sits on Lake Lanier and has a beautiful view. The general living space is at least 3 times the size of what we have now, probably 4 times. It includes 5 bedrooms and 4 baths, huge country eat in kitchen, screened in room, deck that runs from one side to the other, very large dining room (I will never find a table to fit in it), gorgeous built ins in the office, a full finished basement, and a tennis court. I am not kidding! The floors, I forgot the floors, unbelievable antique looking slat wood floors. This house was built to look very old, it even has a fireplace in the kitchen. I can't believe we are going to live in such an incredible home.

He has offered this to us for a couple of reasons, the first one is everyone in the area only visits their homes and no one actually lives in their homes so his children have no playmates. The other is he makes a ton of money off my husband and it insures my husbands loyalty to his jobs over others. He claims my husband saved him $80,000 last year and he will save at least that much this year. Of course it helps that he is a millionare many times over and does not need the income from the home. He promised not to sell it for at least 5 years and will put that in writing. He keeps trying to convince me to run one of his businesses and this will give him the opportunity to push the issue next year when all of the kids are in school fulltime. (I'll be ready then so the answer will be "YES")

Did I mention he is charging us what we currently pay on our mortgage as the rent? The utilites are about the same but the gas has already been paid for the year so it will be cheaper this year. It is hard to believe this is happening to us!