Things went well at JJD last week. Patches will go in front of a Judge. I'm conflicted about this step in her life. On one hand, better to do this at 13 than 18. On the other, I'm not confident this will ever end for her. My fingers are crossed this helps.

I spent the weekend with Kiki's family. when we go,I take Kiki's sister, Lexi, and w spend the night at their Great Granny's. This time I took the twins with me, too. Her family celebrated her birthday and she was spoiled like a princess. LOL. Its always hard on the girls and their Mom to leave.

We are working out the details to get Michael home next month. Someone shoot me, please. Coordinating services, well more like finding services, is hard. The new IFI program that we began a few weeks ago, is a real disappointment. They aren't coming out like they should and they have very little knowledge of RAD and the complicated feelings/issues that come with it. They are really dropping the ball.

They were going to schedule an appt w their pdoc to do a psychological evaluation on Patches. They are usually done by a psychologist so when they insisted on doing it w their psychiatrist, I questioned it. I was assured they had it right. We went to the appt yesterday and LOVED her. She spoke to both Patches and I about her symptoms/issues. She gave her thoughts about appropriate dx for her. She was right on the money all the way around. Everything. That never happens. We always end up explaining how and who gave the kids their dx. Then we end up defending it to someone that has just met my kid(s). This was a nice change. It's really too bad the rest of the staff seems so unavailable to meet our needs.

JJD

We are off to meet with the Juvenile Probation Dept. They seemed to have changed their mind about putting my nearly 14 yr old in front of a Judge for the Battery charges. The woman claims her supervisor feels it should be let go because she has a dx. I have every intention on changing their minds back. If they let it go, it proves further proves that adults aren't going to follow through with things and it is OK to continue to hit me when she gets mad. She knows the difference between right and wrong. She controls herself with other adults and even the kids. She is terrified of Judges. I'm hoping it would help her get that her actions have consequences. I don't hit her, she needs to stop hitting me because she is mad at someone else.

I have a couple of stalkers. I'm so special! I suggest y'all get back to work before I call and tell your employers about your threats and other activities. The tracker I have on here tells me where you are, who you work for, how often you open the page, and even what posts you read. Busted! It's so sad you go to such great lengths to learn about my life. I've tried to be nice and talk to you but you aren't interested. It's fine with me but people are tired of hearing your complaining about me. If you don't like what I have to say, don't read it. If you feel like something is inaccurate, you were always free to say so. You could have even asked me to remove it and I would have. Instead you hide behind your computer to stalk me, twist my words, and then complain. Everything I post is true to my knowledge. You may not like it but it's true. In most cases, I've been more than nice. Since I have no way to contact you privately, I did it on here. I will not do it again. If you threaten me again, I will report you to the police and your work.

A Very Emotional Night

Cyr showed no improvement after a round of steroids. The doctor said it looks like it is a genetic form of hearing loss instead of damage to her ears. They took a mold of her ears today. Now we wait until they call to have us come in to fit the new aids. She has been a real trooper. SHe was a bit weepy tonight. I told her it is perfectly normal and she has every right to be upset.

I really don;t think this will hold her back. She will be able to do anything she wants. She may just have to take a different route to get there. I wish I could post her biggest concern but instead I'll just put a reminder in here that I told her she wasn't deaf and dumb and things will work out. Her and I will get a big laugh about that when she can find humor in all this later. Oh, and she should just go ahead and take full advantage of this now and blame all her lower grades on this emotional trauma. She admitted she plans on doing that. LOL She is SO my daughter.

I reconnected with someone tonight that I thought I lost many years ago. I love how much she has grown and how she has the ability to say what she thinks in a very clear but kind way. She is as amazing as I knew she would be. I would love to tell you who she is but with recent events that you all are not aware of, I shall keep her nameless. We sure would hate for people to attack her, too, for no reason. She knows who she is and that's all that matters. Somehow, the young women in this group she belongs, are so much more mature and accepting than their parents. I knew there was a reason I adored them all.

An Eventful Day Ahead

I have a busy day ahead of me. Emma is seeing the pdoc for the first time in over a year. She asked to get back on meds to control her anxiety shortly after school started back. It's too much to handle with her coping skills alone. We began to see depression slip in for the first time over the Summer so we agreed, it's time.

After that, Cyr goes back to the ENT to today to read the results of the CT scan. Since the ringing hasn't decreased nor is she hearing any better, we are pretty sure she will still require the hearing aids. With all the waiting and back and forth, it will be a relief for her to just get it over with.

My oldest niece got married in Las Vegas a few weeks ago. We will be attending her very belated reception at her Mom's, my oldest sister, home. It should be interesting for several reasons. My Mom and her man will be there and even though he is my oldest's father, things are tense between them. My youngest sister stopped speaking to me for no reason a few years ago and has been a real witch about me to others. I haven't seen her since. She's bringing her husband with her and from what everyone says, he's a piece of work, too. If that wasn't enough drama, my kids do not do well around drinking people. They all have a scary memory of a big brawl and even an accidental shooting at a family function before living with us. We have shown them that responsible social drinking is safe but this will be their first big party with alcohol present. It could go either way. I'm hoping for a lovely drama free celebration for my niece. Any bets someone else acts like an idiot after a couple glasses if wine? We should start a pool. LOL I almost forgot, I received some nasty comments from my oldest sister's friends awhile back. They may be there. Woo Hoo!

We decided on our costumes for this year. We will be a chain gang! Ella will be our prison guard. Hahahahahaha. It completely cracks me up. I know, it doesn't take much.

Asking For Help

Something we've seen throughout the entire sibling group is the inability to ask for help when they are in need. One of them will ask for help constantly when they don't need it but none of them do when they are sick or scared. As 3 of them have begun to heal, they will tell me they need meds for an illness or ache, if they are awake. The other three dare you to catch them sick. My son and Patches go out of their way to let you know they have a fever or have vomited. I can't count the times I've found dried puke on their beds they have covered up. The RTC has been equally surprised by this behavior from him.

Logically, I know where this comes from. Their needs were never met as very young children so seeking it now is foreign to them. When they were hungry, no one fed them. When they were dirty, no one cleaned them. When they were tired, no one rocked them. When they were hurt, no one comforted them. Their brains are not wired to expect help. When they are awake, they can think it through and realize that I'm here for them. In the middle of the night, they just revert back to what they know. I've gone out of my way to assure them they are always welcome to come to my room. It doesn't help. Their behavior remains an extreme contrast to my other attached children.

This changed this morning for Patches. I was already awake and waiting for the arm to go off when I heard, "Mom". I nearly crapped myself. I just knew it had to be horrific. I jumped up and ran to her. I asked her what was wrong and held my breath. She began telling me she had a bad dream and every time she fell back asleep, it would continue.

Surprised, I asked her what the dream was about. She told me that we were al on a boat in the ocean and I jumped into the shark infested water. I told Ella to get in and then swam to safety leaving Ella to be eaten since she is not able to swim. Ella has Cerebral Palsy and her legs just can't kick enough to keep her afloat. (In her birth home, her father would become enraged and beat Ella with a belt as she tried to drag herself down the hall. This image has tormented Patches for years and made her feel she is weak and needs protection.)

I think the dream is pretty accurate about how she sees me. She is terrified I'm going to somehow trick her and her siblings into caring for me then hurt them. How could she not feel this way? It's exactly what her parents did. She loved them, they hurt her and refused to take care of her. I'm just some lady who stole her from them before they could get it together and live happily ever after.

I know it seems silly to some of you that I would be so excited over this simple act. Some of you are grinning from ear to ear or welling up with tears because you are living with a child like mine or were a child like her. You know how hard this was for her. What a leap it was for her to trust me enough to tell me she was scared and what abut. It took everything I had not to jump around and squeeze her. I calmly patted her back and told her how strong she was for telling me. I assured her in the only way she will allow me without shutting down. She left this morning without any anger for the first time in weeks.

Our Real Life Princess

We have a birthday in the house today. Kiera (Kiki) turned 4. I've said it many times, this child has a huge personality. HUGE, people. She is quite the character. She is in charge of all of us. We all bow to her and her wishes. It is biting us in the ass. I may be in over my head in a few years. LOL

She refuses to sleep all night in her own bed and will often promise to snuggle with the other parent on their side when it is suggested she return to her bed. She insists on having homework because the kids do. She picks out her own clothes. She speaks as clearly and has the vocabulary of a teenager. She is smart as a whip and corrects anyone without fear of consequences. She is my sole companion and entertainer all day long. She is confident, thoughtful, smart, funny, and generous. She gives me movie star kisses, fixes my hair, and tells me what it's like to be a "real life princess". We play games and she doesn't trust me to use my own words. She writes my side of the conversation to suite her. She has an incredible imagination. She is a joy to parent.

Today, as friends and family called to wish her happy birthday, she made it clear that just saying it wasn't enough. She made the all sing it. She is under the impression that since we are celebrating her special day 4 times this year to do it with everyone that loves her, every year she will add another day. So, next year 5 days, the year after 6 days and so on. She dismissed my objections.

She has the benefit of having a very open relationship with her first family. To her, every one has 2 moms and 2 families. It is natural. I'm not saying it's always easy, it's not. She doesn't see them enough. She would love to see them every month but it's not possible right now. She is content with calling her Mom every few days and going with me to spend the night up there every few months. It will be more when they can do more.

Coming and Going

We had hoped to have all the kids home by the end of the month. That's not looking like it's going to happen. He will still be coming but someone is making it clear she needs RTC. She is impossible to live with. Her anger outbursts aren't making any sense to us. she is scaring her siblings and that was the turning point for us. She can treat me horrible and I can take it. They shouldn't have to. They don't want to.

We have always thought that Patches wouldn't have a lot of boy issues since she can't stand to be touched. She is mean to the boys she had crushes on so far and seems to go out of her way to hurt their feelings. We have compared her to a praying mantis in love. That has changed.

She has found herself attracted to a smart bad boy. He has convinced her no one can make her do anything at school or home. He lays his head down at school so she does. He told her he is in a gang, does drugs, and dates older girls. She is smitten. She can't say his name without smiling. She doesn't even realize she is smiling.

Yesterday, she told us she was threatened with out of school suspension because she wouldn't leave the class while he was having a violent outburst. She was in danger. She didn't care. She was grinning from ear to ear the entire story. Trying not to tickher off, I remained quiet. Her sister told her that was ridiculous. We quickly moved onto picking up Emma and heading to the park.

All went well until it didn't. I'm not sure where I went wrong. We ran through the grocery store and she began trying to irritate the kids. When one of them finally said she was making them mad, she replied that I was making her mad. She continued and eventually, I had to step in. All I asked was what I could do differently that wouldn't bother her. That's it. Then she began with the hate stuff. We headed home. She calmed. I knew she was on the edge and offered to do her chore, of she would apologize. For the next 3 hours, we had to listen to her scream about how I'm a witch and gay. We ignored. We ate dinner. Hubby came home. She quieted but got sneaky. Made stupid threats that forced me to physically monitor her. Eventually, she threw her dirty socks in my face and raised her arm to hit me. My hubby took 2 giant steps and she put it back down.

I'm so stressed about her that I was up at 3:30 am. Can't sleep. That is nothing remarkable in itself but irritating. Her behaviors get crazy every Fall. Every year prior, I've spent my time trying to figure out her triggers, her trauma events, how to help her feel better, and make her life happier. Things are different this year. I'm going to focus the kids that are working hard and help make their lives better by having her admitted to a RTC. Its past time. I love her and want what best for her. We are all running out of patience. Time for a family time out.

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

And that's all I'm going to say about that today.

I met our new Behavior Specialist that will be working with Ruthie and Patches. She was interesting and funny. I really liked her. The only issue I see is she has no experience or knowledge of RAD. None. She was willing to research a little over the weekend for us so that is a plus. I had been hopeful the team would have at least heard of it. Maybe next lifetime.

We had a great afternoon w Patches. Woo hoo!

I was expecting the worst but was pleasantly surprised when I was able to help Patches pull it together today. She really turned it around. I'm sure all of you are sitting on the edge of your seats wanting to know how this incredible feat was accomplished. I entered a conversation with Kiki about Patches recent behaviors. Since the only 2 things she cares about since her mad crush on her friend, Noah, this Summer, is her dog and Kiki. She was moved immediately when she heard her say she was mean and it hurt her feelings. She began to sob when she heard she was afraid of her when she yells at her Mommy. When she finally stopped crying, Kiki was long gone.

We talked frankly about our different opinions on why she is losing her crap daily. She was polite and open. She wouldn't accept any affection from me until much later. She never apologized but has made it clear the next 4.5 hours until bedtime that she was making up for the last 2 weeks. She didn't make one grunt about chores. She wrote sentences for screaming at me last night. It was the first time we tried that consequence. she has too many chores built up and she loves to write. I had hoped it would feel like a consequence but be manageable. I had her write "My Mom is great!". It worked well for both of us. She bathed and gave me the first sincere hug than she has given me in months. We should be good now for a couple months. LOL.

Cyr wrote about her appointment today. She has an MRI Monday and will have a round of steroids for 9 days. We go back in 2 weeks to retest her hearing and if nothing has changed, she will be fitted that day for the hearing aids. I was so relieved he was willing to double check for us. He didn't sound optimistic but said their could be a slight chance. Cyr wanted it to be over today. She'll be much happier if they were wrong the first visit in the long run. If he was right, she'll barely remember the inconvenience in a few years. At least I would hope so. LOL

Run and vote today!

I'm currently ignoring death threats being shouted from behind a closed bedroom door. I know she is trying to get taken to the hospital so she doesn't have to apologize to me for being very nasty right after school. She is running out of options other than to just apologize so she is pushing things. Because I know this, I don't want to waste the kids, hospital staff, police, or my time. I'm sure she will use this as another reason I am horrible. She will twist it into I didn't protect her when she was out of control.

Everything that comes out of that child's mouth is just twisted versions of the truth. Its old. That and the police know her number, she already admitted all of my other kids like living with this family and most love me dearly. The other 2 want to but are struggling due to RAD. She has also confessed to wanting to lie and say she is being abused by me so I'll go to jail. Not a smart move if you really have that intention, if you ask me. Well, what do I know? I'm just a stupid lady doing every thing she can to help a girl that she loves find some genuine happiness

Don't forget to vote!!!!

Help Me Find My People!

When I closed this blog last Fall, I didn't think I'd be reopening it. Apparently, no one else did either. I have lost nearly all of my readers. I figured in time it would pick back up and, to some extent, it has. I went from a readership of more than 1200 a day to 200. I'm not sure how to reach back out to them other than to ask you all that do blog, would you mention I'm back here? Got an idea that might help me find my people? I'm open to suggestions, too.

P.S. I almost forgot, please hit the pink button on the left and vote! I'm #7 and just a few votes behind #6 and #5. With your help, I could move up!

Cyr Has Something To Say

Run and see what it is over at www.intomychaos.blogspot.com

Dream Crusher

Kiki and I took Emma to the therapist's office today. She has always been a very anxious child and was dx'd with an anxiety disorder based on information given by both us and her teachers several years ago. It had begun to really interfere with her school and life. After a few years on meds, she asked if she could stop taking them. We believe it is her body and we need to listen to any of our children's concerns about that. She had some good points and we agreed.

She has done very well until this Summer. She slipped into a heavy depression and took her to see the pediatrician only to realize she wasn't ill, she was depressed. Once school started back, she asked to try them again. She is having a hard time coping with her anxiety. She becomes very stressed about tests, keeping up with her peers, letting her teachers down, her appearance, but the biggest thing is what her peers are doing. She becomes extremely agitated if she feels someone isn't doing things the right way, is breaking a rule, or the teacher is unaware of something. She drives herself insane with all of it.

We set her all up with the pdoc and a new therapist. She is excited and hopeful. She really needs to deal with the loss of her siblings from last Fall and now her mom has some chaos going on that doesn't feel stable to her. I'm sure this is just what she needed and she will begin to feel better soon.

Patches is home and really struggling. She has no idea how difficult it is to live with her when she is like this. The kids want to smack her and I can't blame them. She is mean to them and goes out of her way to make sure they know she doesn't like them. They are still polite and generous with her. I hope she pulls it back together before they turn on her. We keep talking about how her life is like a roller coaster and even though things are low now, they will be better again. I'm not sure anyone is buying what I'm selling though.

Michael is coming home. I think all the indecision is killing us. I insisted the RTC just move forward and make a plan. They agreed they can't do anymore for him and as long as we are willing to take him home, they will send him. Of course they made it clear, he is not healed or even doing better than he was before he came. We feel the sexual stuff is under control and every one is talking openly about feelings and concerns. That is vital to our success. We have the cameras in place and alarms still on so everyone feels safe and is safe.

I so rarely talk about the twins. They are so fantastic, I can't even begin to make you understand how lucky I am to be their Mom. They are both quite passive aggressive so we never see any anger or outward negative emotions unless they are pushed. Ella cracks me up. You can only tell how mad she is by how fast her ponytail swings as she is walking away. CP caused issues with her legs and she walks on her tippy toes. It's kinda hard for her to stomp but she gives it her best effort. When stomping off her ponytail swings ridiculously hard. I laugh out loud. Fortunately, my cackling usually makes her laugh, too.

Cyr is depressed. She is blah. She is weepy. She doesn't want to go to school and see her friends. She asked if she could stay home today but I told her she only gets 1 mental health day off school and she thought that was funny and dropped it. She is really upset about the hearing aids. I have a feeling, she will fight wearing them. We go Thursday to get her fitted. I told her kids are gonna be jealous. It's like braces and glasses, kids want them unless they have them. Maybe that only applies to elementary school kids but I'm holding onto that.

Kiki told me I was cancelling her dreams last night. I had no idea what she was talking about so I asked. She insisted I was cancelling her dreams. Still confused I just kinda looked at her. She said, "You are cancelling all my dreams of going to dance school!". There you have it folks, I am a dream killer. I have no idea what prompted this or how I did it but I crushed her lifelong dream.

I'm moving up!

Keep voting for me at Circle of Moms! The little link is on the left side of the blog.

Do It! Do It!

Have you been voting for me on the Circle of Moms Contest? Just click on the cute pink button on the left side of my blog every day for 11 more days. Puleeze!

Have you voted today? No? Please run over there now!

She Needs What???

I have had a very busy week. It began with what I thought would be a routine doctor visit with the ENT for Cyr. She had mentioned her ears were bothering her but not in an earache way. When it came up twice in a month, I set an appointment. Five of my children from that group rarely complain of illness or aches and pains. It varies between them but can be as extreme as my son has never admitted to being sick. No headaches or stomach aches. He has vomited but like his sisters, he covers it up with his pillow or hides it in the laundry. The RTC called last week to tell me he had strep. When I asked for details, they told me they had only tested him because so many in the unit had it. When they checked him out, he had a fever and a very nasty throat. They were amazed he hadn't mentioned it.

So when I heard something about Cyr's ears a second time, I took her in. They said he rears were clear and there was nothing visible that could be causing her any discomfort. They asked a few questions about dizziness and she admitted she felt it after she heard ringing sometimes. They did a hearing test and came back in the room with a brief comment about "significant loss in both ears". Having no idea what that meant, her and I bantered back and forth a bit about hearing aids and surgery to drain the ears.

After almost 30 minutes the doctor and nurse came back in to go over the results. He seemed a little nervous and the nurse wasn't making eye contact, at first. He mentioned "significant hearing loss in both ears". I asked what we needed to do, fully expecting him to suggest meds for fluid or further testing. The nurse walked behind him and got a brochure for me. He looked at me and said, "We need to see her in a week to have her fitted for hearing aids." Cyr and I both looked at each other and laughed. We had not expected that.

The next part of the brief conversation was me pressing for a number. I needed to hear the percentage of loss. I'm thinking 10-20% but he told me her good ear had lost 50% or more and the other ear was worse. I know our mouths were open. How did we miss this? She said she had been feeling an urge to look at people's lips when they spoke to her but it didn't occur to her that she couldn't hear them. She is fine at home but my hubby has severe hearing loss so the TV is loud and we are loud to help him avoid the same kind doctor appointment. She is a soft spoken child and so no one else noticed.

It has been quite a shock to her. She is strong and will be fine but she has been unusually emotional since. We have been talking about it and she is coping much better than I expected. The biggest let down is she won't be able to join the service. She had been banking on that to get away from her siblings. She is much less concerned with the aids themselves. In this process, my hubby has agreed to have his hearing tested and look into aids. It is a miracle, folks. A real life miracle. All it took was his little girl crying over a brochure and his need to fix kicked in. Before he new what he said, he offered to join her in this journey. We are going to make him honor that promise.

I mentioned Cyr was a little emotional. It popped up again on Friday night. Patches had been struggling for about 48 hours over an IEP meeting. She had been caught in a few not so true statements and she had made herself believe them. Our meeting shattered her reality and she focused on me. The police were called out Thursday night because she was making threats against me. She verbally attacked the wonderful officer but made no real threats she he couldn't do anything. She was awful at school on Friday and came home crappy. We catered to her a bit by separating the kids from her when she tattled.

At bed time she wanted to sleep in the little girls' room and was told no. That led to threats of killing herself. After some discussion trying to calm her, she began to hit me repeatedly. I had to hold her hands down. Once she began to kick me, Cyr grabbed her legs. Patches is becoming too strong for me when she is psychotic and her hands slipped out. She got a few swings in and Cyr lost it. She jumped up and into Patches face. I heard her scream like she has never done before. She told her to stop hurting her Mom. Quickly realizing she was out of control, she refused to hold her legs and yelled at me she was having her arrested. Cyr entered the area in the LR that the kids were sitting watching cartoons and terrified them by simply having emotions that strong.

The police showed up and my hubby and I had finally restrained her safely. He handcuffed her so I could get up. She admitted to attacking me. I had obvious scratches and bruises so he insisted on filing charges against her for battery. He took her in the back of his car to the hospital. I calmed the kids before I joined them there. Of course, I'm skipping so much of the details but you get the jest of it. She was 1013'd again. She will be home in a few days and we have started the process of admitting her to the same hospital my son is in.

Life, for my children, is exhausting. She is a fantastic kid. Most of the time, she really wants to fit in and feel a part of our family. Then these moments she fears she may be rejected or in trouble, she lashes out at us first. At 13, she is now involved with the juvenile system here. Therapy, medicine, and will alone haven't helped. Our last hope is that a big scary judge will help her take a moment to use the coping skills she knows so well but refuses to use when she needs them. Violent, aggressive, paranoid, and delusional. I fear for her future. She deserves to be happy and feel love. I will never give up trying to prove that to her.

Please Vote for Me!

See the little button on the left of the screen? The one that asks for you to vote for me. Just do it. You know you wanna. Then come back every day for the next 16 and do the same. I was nominated and I do not want to end up the only person with less than 5 votes. If you really want to help, you can post a link on your Facebook, too.

If You Thought That Was Bad....

The last post caused some stirring in my family. They are upset I spoke about them "on a public forum". Honestly, I was being nice in that post. I'm sorry if they were so upset. I'm sure they will be really pissed when the book comes out since I'm not changing the names since they aren't innocent.

If they were so horrified, why did they tell all their friends to come look? I don't mind, every time they come here, I make $ off them.

The Rocker and The Old Lady

My sister, Kiki, and I traveled down to see my Mom this weekend. She moved away a few months ago to St. Pete and we have been dying to see her new life. I swear it wasn't that I needed a break from real life and would go anywhere there weren't kids. OK, you caught me, it was both. Anyway, we planned it a couple of weeks ago and it fell through and ran off together for a very long drive down there this past weekend. The ride was uneventful other than to say, I do not like Monster green. That crap tastes like an extra sweet, almost thick, sour patch kid candy. The sour part kicks you in the teeth after you swallow. Please, just take my word for it.

I noticed something between my Mom and I right away. The Old Lady is recovering from breast implants. While some people may think it is ridiculous to fix those saggy bags at her age, she wanted to spice up her new life and that is exactly what she did! She looks amazing! This picture is my sister, Kiki, and Mom with their new boobs. I think they have both gone from an A to a D. I think they have been jealous of my G for years.



Exhausted, Kiki and I went to bed. It became very clear that Kiki had no intention of sharing the pillows. We giggled until 4:30 AM. What is it about old people? They need the house to be 80 degrees. We managed not to melt away but I was worried my alleged snoring might wake her. I brought her ear plugs. The next morning she assured me the snoring wasn't a problem but me sitting straight up screaming at her that I was snoring was. Yes, I sat up in my sleep and yelled that I was snoring. I'll try to work on that.



While my mother lives in a nice part of town, I was a little concerned when we found this homeless man on her porch enjoying himself like he lived there. LOL Actually, that is her man. I know he looks vicious but he is not. After spending time with him this weekend, both my sister and I were amazed at how fast he grows on you. He is deeply sensitive, funny, warm, welcoming, and is obviously VERY in love with my Mom. Let me be completely honest, anyone willing to take her, can have her.



They drove us all around their little town and he made sure we got to the sweet spot so we could witness this. He took us to the top of a restaurant and we waited. He promised we would love it. We did.


I want to take a minute and share their story with you. Not because it has anything to do with me or my life but because the story needs to be told. Many years ago, a young greaser kid stumbled upon a teenage girls' pajama party. Being a young strapping stud, he knocked on the door and met by a dozen giggling girls in lace baby doll nighties. He offered beer, they let him in. One of those girls was my mother.

They began to date and eventually ran away to be together. They hitchhiked across the country to meet his family. They had signed him up for the Army on his 17th birthday and he wasn't welcome to stay there. The teenagers decided to run off and get married. They did. They found a boarding house and jobs. They were happy. Soon they discovered they were pregnant with my sister, Julie. He couldn't have been more in love than he was with the two girls in his life.


The first few years were great. They were deeply in love. They were broke. My Mom was terribly homesick. He wanted her to see her family and saved for a ticket to send them there for the holidays. Once there, her family began to convince her that he wasn't stable and she would be happier if she stayed. Torn, she eventually agreed to stay with her sister. She begged him to move there and get a job. He got rid of everything they had and bought an old truck. He never imagined what was about to happen. Now that she was a mother, her need for stability would outweigh her love for him.

Things weren't as he had hoped once he arrived. My Mother had changed. Many of the women in my family have the knack of shutting someone out completely. My Mother, my sisters, and even me. It is a coping skill we use when things hurt. We shut off our emotions and cut the people off. My Mother was doing this to him because she thought it was the right thing to do for her child. He wasn't dangerous, he just wasn't welcome in her family and she felt she needed their support to raise her daughter. It was a decision she regretted all her life and still has tremendous guilt over. Eventually, she filed for divorce. Devastated, he left town. He never stopped loving them. He never stopped calling her his wife. He intentionally never remarried or had any other children. He had that already.

My Mother remarried and my sister was adopted by her new husband. Times were different. He wasn't encouraged to keep contact and was even run off by my Mother's family. Everyone worked hard to convince him that he wasn't good enough and she was better off without him. He respected her enough to think she must have known what she was doing.

When I hear this story, I see a boy that would have felt rejected from his first family, his wife, the world because he doesn't fit into their idea of what he should be, and now as he is reaching the end of his life and is reaching out hoping to fill in the hole he has carried for years, he is rejected by his only child. She wants nothing to do with him. Nothing. She is angry. She is using the coping skill handed down to the women in our family. She is missing out. The worst part is that they are so much alike. They could learn so much from each other. Even writing this, I'm crying for their loss. They missed so many years and now he has cancer. She is punishing him now for leaving her behind. The details about what happened don't matter to her.

My sister isn't someone that comes across as caring or supportive. She comes across as stubborn with a need to be right. She will argue with a wall to prove her point. She can't look past your faults and find something charming about you. She will search your soul until she finds what she knew was there all along. She isn't going to get in and get dirty, she is going to spend her time proving she was right. We are complete opposites. She may seem unemotional but she is really just protecting herself. I'm not saying she is awful, she is not. We are just very different and we struggle to see each others point of view. I think she is so scared of loss, she refuses to feel. I feel way too much. Neither is good. We do not have a relationship. She is my sister, I love her, but really she is just a woman I have known all my life. It is sad to me that my children do not know her or know that her daughter is their cousin. They can't remember her name or face. It breaks my heart. Now she is shutting out another person in her life. I wish it was just her loss but it's his, too. She has complete control over it and maybe that's what this is all about, control. I know she feels abandoned. She won't allow him in or give an inch. She will fight tooth and nail to prove he wasn't worthy any way.

Her daughter doesn't have a relationship with her father either. She was given an ultimatum, it may have not been a direct conversation but she has made her feel like it was him or her mom. Her daughter has chosen not to find him out of respect for her. It is very similar to how adult adoptees feel in closed adoptions. It's sad. On the other side of that is me. I parent children and force whatever healthy relationships with their first families that I can. I open our home and hearts to anyone willing to love my children. Some of the people in our lives are addicted to drugs or alcohol, they have mental illnesses, and some have spent time in prison. As long as they are safe, they are welcome. Call me crazy, but I look past those things and find reasons to like them. We may not agree on many things, but we find common ground. This is not a skill or an interest she has. Perhaps she views this as a weakness, who knows?

I am choosing to get to know him. I want my children to see how he treats my Mom. I need to see her happy for the first time in my life. I completely support their life together. He waits on her hand and foot. It is amazing to watch. In his love for her, he loves us. My sister doesn't get this. She can't fathom how he could love her daughters much less his own daughter because he doesn't know her as adult. She couldn't be more wrong. I'm not sure how to explain it to her. It is real, I could feel it. Maybe I get it because I love my childrens first mothers. I don't have to know all about them, I love them, no strings attached. To me love is a choice. I know this will be one the hardest things my sister ever does, I hope she chooses to look past his rough exterior and see the gentle man inside.


We learned things about my Mom this weekend. Some good and some we'd love to forget. We felt her connection to her first love that hasn't faded with time. We watched her go from our strong mother to a teenage girl when he walked in the room. We saw her sit back and be taken care of. It is nothing short of amazing that these 2 people could have fallen in love almost 50 years ago and reconnected after all these years, but that is exactly what has happened. I couldn't be happier for them. They deserve happiness during whatever time they have left.