The Arrest

It was stupid. I was stupid. I received a speeding ticket last July in my MIL's car. It is a tiny thing and I drive a huge 15 passenger van. It seemed like I was within the range of the limit but I wasn't even close. I was pulled over and ticketed. No biggie. I spoke to the lady at City Hall and mailed in a money order to pay for it. It kept nagging at me. I never received the receipt like she promised to mail me. I told my husband just days before I was arrested, I felt like I needed to call and check on it. I forgot to.

The Thursday before school let out, I stopped by the elementary school to pay for a library book. For some reason, I didn't put my van in park and it moved about 12-14 inches before bumping another car. No damage was done to either vehicle. I was in a hurry and suggested I give them my insurance information and both of us move on. She was a stupid woman that couldn't make a decision for herself and decided to call the police on me. She claimed she couldn't do that without the owner's approval. That led me to believe, it was a friend's car. I later found out it was her and her husband's car. Idiot. Anyway, I asked her to get him on the phone. I explained. He agreed to let it go with just trading information. We did that I was on my way.

I received a call about 20 minutes later that I had to return to the scene b/c I was going to be charged with leaving the scene of an accident. When I explained my side and the fact that I can't be charged with that b/c I had exchanged information and that's what is required by law. Then he began to get mean and threatened me with obstruction of justice. He was pissed. I agreed to meet him at my house. He checked out my van and began questioning me about my kids. It turns out, he was planning on arresting me and had to be sure I had someone that could watch my kids. He threatened to contact DFCS if I couldn't make arrangements immediately. Luckily, Rosa was on her way there and was able to help me out.

I was arrested, handcuffed, and placed in the back of a police car. Did you know they have A/C only in the front of the car? The giant plastic shield kept me from feeling any of it. I was taken to the county jail to be processed. The processing deputy took pity on me and kept me up front with her. I never saw a moment behind any locked door. My DH was already calling before she had a change to process me. She informed me I was being charged with driving on a suspended license. Nothing else. She also told me I had a bench warrant for failing to appear. I knew exactly what happened. She thought it was funny. She called and they refused to come transport me so I was going to be released.

As they walked me towards the door to my freedom, they called out for me to come back. I was inches away but followed their directions. Their head count was off. They had misplaced 2 prisoners. No one could come in or out until they were found. It took them 3 hours. They had a shift change in that time period and the new deputy saw I had the warrant. He took it upon himself to see if he could get them to come get me. It was a scary 4 minutes but in the end, they refused. I was released.

I worked it all out with the lady at City Hall a few days later. I was released from the charges and my license was reinstated. I still have to go to court over the driving without a license. I'm sure I will have to pay a fine but my life almost behind bars is over.

An Even Dozen

I'm back online. I thought it would never happen at the rate things moved. A lot has happened and will be happening. Here is the short version and I will go into details when I can.

We packed. I was arrested and sat in jail for a couple hours until they could locate 2 missing prisoners. We moved. I unpacked. I had my drivers license reinstated. I unpacked some more. Moved Rosa to her own house 2 miles away from our new house. Had a huge cookout for Kiera's family. Received a call that Emma's birth siblings from her Father's side were in need of a home. Talked back and forth with the kids CW and had an inspection. We are now waiting for their TPR to discuss our future.

Any questions? LOL

The kids names are Sawyer 9, Anna 7, and Wyatt 2. They all seem thoughtful and caring. They are a bit energetic and loud and we will have to work on toning things down a bit. Sawyer is mature and informative. He struggles with ADHD. Anna is a sweet girl that speaks her mind and needs clearly. Both of them look a lot like Emma. Wyatt has flaming red hair and blue eyes. He barely speaks and is a wild one. Kiera thinks he is her personal baby doll. She is fascinated with him. She hugged him until she fell asleep. He really likes her, too.

I'll have to get back to the arrest later. All is fine. I'm just an idiot. I got it all worked out and fixed.

Tough Night

Ruthie has been having a really hard time over the last few months. Her rages have increased significantly when we removed her latest med that we feared was the cause of her stomach pains.

We mentioned her hygiene challenges in therapy and she refused to speak one word for the nearly 2 hours we were there. Once in the van, she was a chatty Cathy. I stated I wish she could find a way to talk like that in therapy. She was silent the hour ride home. Once here, she refused to get out of the van. She sat out there for about 2 hours, long past dinner. I offered her dinner before it was put up and she shook her head. I noticed she had managed to dump a 2 liter of soda all over my van and everything else that was in there was spread all around. I just shook my head.

About 30 minutes later, my DH went to check on her and she was gone. We found her crouched down in the woods, still on our property. Every time we approached her, she ran further. Eventually, we were forced to call the police to help. She was terrified of him and refused to speak to him. He stood up and she took that moment to run toward us. I guess, we are the better of 2 evils.

After the officer left, we talked about her ability to control the urge to run and to not hurt herself. She knew she couldn't make that promise since she has been doing it daily. It was enough to have her admitted to our local psychiatric facility. Sadly, the nurses and the security officers at the ER, the admittance dude, security officer, and nurse at the facility all knew me by name. Since we are moving, I didn't bother to get last names for Christmas cards. I'm hoping to develop that kind of a relationship with the staff at the hospital and neighborhood psychiatric facility near our new house. I mean really, why waste all the energy on folks I won't see again.

Ruthie has called twice today. She seems upbeat. I'm sure she will be home in a few days. They have made some real changes with her meds that make me hopeful.

We are off to finish up the new house this weekend. We still have a little painting and a lot of moving and packing to do over the next 10 days. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all happen while I sleep.

Things Are Moving Along

The house is nearly painted. I am shocked that my 14 yr old and I did almost all of it ourselves. My DH will spend a few nights this week at the house and finish the top cutting in that wasn't done over the weekend. I decided after about 3 hours of painting that we would be repainting the trim after we moved in. Our trim is a very dark brown already and I have every intention of keeping it that color. With so many kids, it will save me a ton of effort repainting every 6 months in the high traffic areas.

All the work on both houses and packing has taken it's toll on my hips. I am back on pain meds to just walk around. I hate that. I know it is temporary because when we get moved I can slow down a bit physically. Until then, I have no choice if I want to climb a set of stairs.

Our Blue and Gold Macaw came home this week. We decided to name him Winston. He has really taken to me and I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life snuggled up with my new friend. When I come in the room, he quickly slides down the cage and drops to the floor to chase me down. He squawks periodically until I holler back at him, just letting him know where I am. He is a big ball of mush. He is getting used to all the commotion around here and the kids think he is the coolest thing ever.

Most of the kids are doing really well. Michael has turned into the easiest kid in the house. He is helpful, calm, clear about his feelings, caring, thoughtful, and affectionate. He has become the boy I had hoped he was deep down. He expresses how happy he is about his recent changes. Unfortunately, he is still actively hallucinating. Patches is having a tough time but hanging in there. Ruthie is not. She has been out of control and psychotic. She is extremely close to a hospital visit. Emma, Ava, and Ella are fantastic. Kiera is getting used to the idea of her own bed but not to sleep in, just to "watch cartoons in". Cyr is an amazing child. She is so helpful through her sadness. I love that child more than I ever thought possible. I can't believe I get to watch her grow up and become such an incredible young woman.

We have a visitor for a couple of nights. Gia! She told me, at dinner, this is her house, too. I have missed the kids so much. We saw them for a little bit on Sunday at the new house. I could have squeezed all of them to death but that would have shortened the visit. Rosa is looking for a house and we are hoping she chooses one close to ours so I can watch the kids for her when she works.

Fighting for Services

I know, I used to post nearly every day and lately I have fallen off the face of the earth. Life keeps me busy, what can I say?

I spoke to Cyr's boyfriend's mom last night about something I NEVER thought I would agree to. After talking with her therapist about her relationship with this boy, I we all agreed we need to help her continue it unless she acts inappropriate. She has never had a friendship, of any kind, last more than a few months. This relationship has lasted 6. They are silly and fun together. That was such a difficult thing for her to be before. A fun loving girl, she was not. Now she is. She is sarcastic and entertaining. Since we are moving about an hour and 15 minutes away, visits every weekend won't happen. We have decided to offer to let him spend the night. Yes, go back and read it again. I said it. It took me a few times to say it out loud before I was able to stay conscience. Our thought is that we have door alarms on the bedrooms doors set on chime but they can be moved to a screaming sound and the camera can be set to the hallway to see who it is leaving the room. They wouldn't be able to get to each other through the door or window, since they have alarms, too. His parents commented on how careful we are with our daughter that they feel we would protect him, too. It may happen.

On a completely different note, Kiera peed on the potty! This child has been impossible to train. She tells me, "I don't want to potty train. Me the baby.". If I try to bribe her, she informs me, "I have to pee to get that candy? No, thanks." "I'll wear my panties on my diaper." Stuff like that. Refuses to go. She also will try to make the sound of going on the pot and ask for a treat. She ain't fooling me. LOL Today she was making the "sound" of peeing and actually went. She laughed and told me it was an accident because she could hear the water running. LOL I still gave her the treat.

I had an IEP meeting for Ruthie today and now it will be next week. I am so grateful the therapist wrote a wonderful letter trying to help get her in a contained class. I am a nervous wreck about it. It is so hard facing a bunch of people that don't see her behaviors but think they know my child. She is so preoccupied by all the other kids and possible sexual thoughts that she has nothing left for learning. I'm hoping to get the right services for her for next year. It will be nothing short of a miracle.

Mothers

I spent the weekend prepping the new house for our family. We picked out paint and began the long process of repainting the entire house. I am exhausted and the kids are passed out.

Today Kiera's Mom came to visit. We were so thrilled her boyfriend was able to stay this time. He suffers from one of the most severe cases of social anxiety I have seen first hand. He is a sweet and gentle man that can't bear to be around people, much less talk to them. He enjoys the kids and helped them dump a ton of sand in their new giant sand box. WHen I say a ton of sand, I mean an incredibly large bag that had to be put in the truch with a forklift, ton of sand. Literally, weighing a ton. They worked their little hearts out. We picked up Kiera's sister so she had a ball with her family today, burying them in it.

Mother's Day is so hard for my children and their mothers. It is a big reminder of their loss. With every wish from others for me to have a happy day, I think of the ones I share the day with. The one that sits in prison for her crimes against our children, the one that traveled out of her way to pick up and drop off our daughter so I could paint a little longer, and the one that that cried in my kitchen because she desperately wants to spend time with our daughter. My relationship with all of them is so unique. I can honestly say I love them all.

It was hard for people, including my family, to understand why I wanted my children's mothers so involved in our lives. I just knew it was critical for my children. Two of them are actively involved in our family but we are in different stages with them. Emma's Mother has been with us for almost 9 years. She is considered family by every one of our extended family and is included in everything. She has struggled with addiction and the loss of her children. SHe has worked very hard to regain custody of 2 of them and build healthy relationships with the other 2. SHe still aches for the loss of her girls but has moved forward. Emma spends the night at her home and her Nana's regularly. Not a day goes by that I don't speak with her Mother on the phone.

Kiera's Mother's wounds are fresh. She cries easily about her girls. She wants to see them unsupervised and is having a hard time accepting that will take time. I want us to get there. There are many reasons we are not. SOme of it is trust, past mistakes, but the biggest part is Kiera. She is so shaky with her attachment. SHe is so desperate for me all the time. Nights are horrible. I think it would be too confusing at this stage and the therapist agrees. I feel like such a jerk telling her to wait. We have to build trust. It was one of the hardest things to tell her. I want her to have the relationship Emma has with her family. I know we will get there but from where she is standing, it seems impossible. We talked about the steps we need to take to get there today. I try very hard to be honest and upfront with her so she will learn she can trust me. I will do exactly what I say. Now that we are going to be a little closer, I'm hoping she will spend a few weekends with us and her daughters. Another step closer to unsupervised. I am hoping her family takes us up on some visitation, too.

Some Good and Bad

I took Cyr to see the house today. She skipped school because she didn't feel like going on the 7th grade field trip. Her teacher had been upset that she wasn't going and asked her why. She assumed it was because we couldn't afford the $21 with so many kids at home. Cyr was quick to tell me she set her straight and said she didn't want to go. I had to giggle. She likes the house but is still sad about leaving her boy friend.

I had been dreading Patches IEP meeting today but came out so happy she has had the opportunity to be in this program with such wonderful people. They all get it. I can't tell you enough how much of a difference it makes. Knowing she is moving, they went out of their way to make sure everything was written to help Patches succeed next year. They even wrote in the exact words that helped her reconnect after a shut down.

They had so many positive things to say about her. I left feeling so proud of her. With all her issues, she is still such a wonderful child. She loves the best she can. If you ever feel any of that love, you will never forget it. It keeps me coming back for more. It helps me forget all the nastiness.

Without naming you and sharing your private crisis, I want to tell you I am here for you. You are one of the most important and influencial people in my life. You have accepted my children without question and loved them with your entire heart. You have taken us in and supported us when we needed it the most. You are generous, loving, and thoughtful to a fault. I know I never say it but I want you to know I feel it deeply. I love you and am honored to be a part of your life. In the coming months, I will do anything to make it easier on you. If anyone can fight this, I know you can and will. You are a fighter. You are secretly strong. You come across as this adorable grandmotherly woman that wouldn't hurt a fly. Anyone that knows you, knows you can do anything you put your mind to and will take down anyone that gets in your way. Most people, at your age, look forward to retirement. Not you. You have 2 jobs and keep going. We might not always see eye to eye but that hasn't stopped you from accepting me, warts and all. I can never repay you for all you have done for us but I do promise, if we win the lottery, you are first on the list. OK, no more sappy crap. Let's get busy getting you healthy.

It's All In Her Head

Ruthie has been sick and out of school since last Tuesday. She complains of severe stomach pains in her upper area, some vomiting on and off, and loose stools (probably from the daily prescription laxative I was giving her). She refused to get out of bed to play or eat. She was dizzy from starvation. When we went to the GI dr yesterday, she had lost 6 pounds since last Friday. The kid was in bad shape.

I took her to the doctor originally on Friday and they insisted it was ulcers. If she puked, take her to the ER. She puked in front of their building so off we went. The Er dr did an ultrasound to look at the gall bladder and pancreas. Both were fine. He insisted it was somatic.

I called her therapist on Monday and we called her p doc together. The therapist and p doc agree that the new meds are holding her rages down so far that the emotion has to go somewhere. I was offended at first but it began to make some sense. Their point was this is a very mentally ill child. This is exactly how Patches acted prior to her first hospitalization minus the pain. She became very secluded and lethargic. She hid in the room upstairs and watched TV constantly even though she wasn't allowed to on the weekdays. Michael has had similar weeks. The difference is the pain. She always has a boo boo. She is difficult to believe when she complains about hurting.

Tuesday the GI doc agreed with them. He said she may have a tiny bit that is backed up but nothing to cause all this other stuff. He suggested we talk to her therapist and continue her laxative, just in case.

I didn't want to say anything until I was sure. We found the house! They said they have shown it numerous times and every one complained there were too many extra rooms they didn't need. It has lots of character and really spoke to us the minute we got out of the truck. Every room just made it better and better. Of course, we see it for what it will be because every thing needs some TLC.

The first thing is that it is on 3 acres on a very busy road, near all our favorite stores. The busy street would be a turn off except the property has a bamboo forest and woods that block all the noise and view of it. It has a small fenced in area off the living room and screened in porch area that Kiera will be able to come and go from without me worrying. That area has a massive picnic table, sandbox, fire pit, and big deck. The drive is long and right behind the house it gets really wide. They will be able to play basketball out there and ride their bikes up and down the gravel road that runs through the property. There are tons of tree house trees so it's a matter of picking the right one and building it.

The inside begins with a mud room. It is about 9x9. We need to tear up the indoor/outdoor carpet and put in tile. I have big dreams for that mud room, starting with hooks for each child and a warm color paint color.

That room leads into the dining room. It is about 10x15 and has an unbelievable built in buffet and tile floors. It is full of sunlight from the bay window area. A staircase is in one corner that leads upstairs to our master bedroom and playroom. The kitchen off to the left.

The kitchen is small. It is the only down side to the entire house. It was a cloudy day and was dark. It will be one of the first things fixed. It is bigger than our current one and has a really cool pass through to the dining room that is big enough to hold several dishes of food for holidays.

The living room has a huge picture window and a wood burning fireplace. There is a door that leads out to the screened in porch and the fenced in yard. It has hardwood floors and is a nice size. We will be able to have both sofa and our love seat in there without a problem.

Between the living and the kitchen are the front stairs. Just down the left side is the hall that leads to several closets and pantries, washer and dryer, huge bathroom, the little girls room (14x10), and Michael's room (12x12).

At the top of the stairs is the big girls room (12x14). It has another bath between their room and the new TV room. The TV room will house their video games and movies and have a built in desk with their computers. It has a set of french doors that lead out to a balcony.

The other side of the stairs is a massive room that will be their playroom. It has some cool nooks and crannies. It has 3 wonderful windows on the front and the back side of the house making it very bright. I love it. Our master bath is off of this room and our bedroom off of that. Both are big and recently remodeled.

It is filthy but completely empty. We were welcomed to begin cleaning and working on it any time we wish. The soon to be previous owner is so nice and offered to give us a key tomorrow.

A Bit About Everyone

So many things I keep meaning to come here and tell you all about but life gets in the way. Maybe it's time to do an update on each one of the little turkey butts.

Cyr is still dating her boyfriend, Manuel. He is still in the alternative school and taking his anger management classes. We had a tiny bit of a scare when she confessed she had kissed him in our home more than once. Upon closer investigation, they had exchanged pecks a few times. I was relieved when no swapping of spit had occurred. She was completely disgusted by the conversation. I think she may link that kind of kissing to her abuse. She is not doing well in in a couple classes and lost the privilege of doing her homework at her leisure. Overall, I am thrilled every day to be dealing with normal teenage crap from her. She is attached and defensive of me. She appreciates all she went through and understands how badly it could have turned out for her and her siblings. She likes to be around us and is enjoying a bit of freedom occasionally. She is upset about moving but finds a way to be happy about it, too. She listens to my advice and tries to follow it. I couldn't ask for a better daughter.

Patches likes a boy from school that openly talks about wanting to be in a gang. He is an idiot and she thinks he is cool. She has no idea what a gang is. Since her teacher left she has cried every day. Yesterday she informed me they are taking a class picture next week and she will not be in it. I asked why, thinking it was because she hates having her picture taken, I wasn't surprised when she said it. Her answer did surprise me. She didn't want to do it because I would think it is cool that she is in one with her friends. I thought that was crappy and told her so. She stomped off to tantrum and returned with the confession that it was really about her teacher not being there. She thinks it's not right that they are doing it without her. I guess the jabs at me were just for sport. LOL She is a roller coaster lately. She is still in love with Jacob from Twilight. She is not doing well in the class with her male teacher. She says it's because she doesn't like him. She claims to hate her new parapro, too. Of course, there is no reason for her dislike of either of them. Last night she flipped out on me screaming I'm not her mom, her boss and she hates me. After 4 years, it is old. She later admitted to just wanting to hurt me. I calmly explained I am done with being her punching bag and I looked forward for the next time she decided to be mean to me. It scared her. I plan on becoming the woman she lives with, she will no longer receive all the benefits of a family.

Ruthie is extreme abdominal pain and has been out of school since Tuesday. I took her to remove her cast yesterday and then to the doctor for her tummy. I thought she was constipated and it turns out that wasn't true. They thought she had an ulcer so they gave her meds to confirm it. They were baffled when it made it worse. They suggested we head to the ER. The doctor at the ER thought it was Pancreas or Gall Bladder. It wasn't. He suggested it was somatic more than once. I can tell you that I rarely believe her when she is injured or sick but this is obvious. She is hurting. She confronted her teacher for confessing her love of my daughter. She was able to tell her how scared it made her feel. The teacher apologized.

Michael is changing. Some of it is not good and some of it is. An example is, he is stealing from us. We have caught him twice in 3 days going through our stuff. When confronted, he cried and confessed. What's even weirder is he accepts his consequence without a fuss and apologizes. What the heck is going on? I believe the new anti seizure meds are working because he hasn't had a huge fit in more than a week. He has a girlfriend (Emma's birth sister's adoptive sister). He calls her and has no idea what to say so I coach him during the call. It's too funny. He draws her pictures and wants me to send them to her. He cracks me up.

Emma is at her Mom's for the weekend. Emma is the second generation of adoption in her family. Her Nana lost her sister to a closed adoption. They found her on Facebook and she is here this weekend for a big family reunion. I wanted her to be there. Just the thought of all the emotions running through those women makes me tear up. I am so happy they will get to know each other. There family has had such a rough life. Emma's GG had been forced to place her child to protect her from her dangerous father. He had threatened to kill the child and GG. I truly adore that family and what they come to mean to ours. I am so immensely happy for them all.

Ava is crying intermittently. She is jealous of Ella because the boy she likes thinks Ella is the bomb. He also thinks Ava is mean. This has caused quite a bit of friction here. Ella has had to keep her excitement quiet so she doesn't hurt her twin. Ava is a good student and she has managed to overcome all her stealing, hoarding, lying, and most of her meanness. She is easy and loving without being clingy. Her hair is the longest of the girls and she is beginning to try to do "things" with it. Michael, Ella, and Ava are motivated by money right now and are volunteering for extra chores.

Ella is Ella. She is finding her voice and using it a bit too often. Finding a happy medium is an adventure with her. She is still playing with the baby a lot and the baby is abusing her daily. That girl will hit her with hard toys when she makes her mad. We are working on it but poor Ella in the meantime. She is very into imaginary play and can be seen crawling on my floor constantly. She is our puppy. She asked me this week if she could marry the boy she likes when she grows up. She loves him. I managed to keep a straight face and told her that would be lovely as long as he is a nice boy.

Kiera. Michael says she is the cutest thing ever and the meanest. LOL It's true. She is becoming more social with strangers and she insists on people returning her hellos. She thinks our male therapist and the boy across the street are her best friends. She refuses to potty train and tells me so. We discuss her sleeping situation and is excited about a new toddler bed but claims she will not be sleeping in it. She is smart, too smart. She is bossy and knows what she wants. She is extremely hyper and we are wondering if it may be an issue in the future. Nightmares still interrupt our rest at least 4 or 5 times a night. She screams and cries then clings to my head for dear life. It is so sad. Tantrums threaten my sanity during the day. She won't let go of me when the kids are at school but she is thrilled when her "guys" walk through the door. She is so used to them running to her rescue that she stands in the middle of a room and hollers, "I'm thirsty. Water please. Somebody get me a cup. Hello. I'm thirsty." until someone jumps. Honestly, I know it's bad but it's so funny I can't help but giggle. We are working on it.

My DH and I are house hunting this weekend. We will be spending the night at my sister's while she is out of town. We will be alone! What the heck do you do without kids? I'm planning on sleeping and a glass of wine. I'm pretty sure I know what's on his mind and I'm sure he won't accept my exhaustion as an excuse for extra sleep. My MIL is staying with the kids here. Silly woman, she is a gluten for punishment. Thank goodness for us she loves the kids and is willing to put up with their crap.

SSI

I just received a call from DFCS asking why I wasn't claiming Ella's SSI on Kiera's Medicaid form. I insisted I had no idea she received it, ever. She told me to run, not walk, to the social security office and find out what's going on with it. She said she doesn't think it would stop and that it should be lifelong. She also suggested I get on the ball for the other kids because it has nothing to do with their adoption assistance amounts.

Anybody have any clue about why we wouldn't have been informed about Ella's SSI? Is SSI something you have to reapply for or could it have been discontinued for any reason? Anything I should know before filling out the SSI forms? Any advice would be appreciated.

Vacation!

If you are in GA, you need to go check this out. We are going as a family for $40! It covers everything except hotel. I'm calling it vacation and the kids don't know any better so don't tell them.

Another Loss and a Night Out

I am so excited about this weekend. My incredible MIL is coming to stay with the kids and I am escaping with my DH to my sister's. She is going to be out of town and we get to be ALONE! We are going to spend the day hours house hunting and the night will be spent drinking a large amount of wine and snoring. I can't wait. So far the kids are handling the idea well.

Patches has been weeping all afternoon. She found out today that her beloved parapro is leaving after tomorrow. She is devastated. I'm not so sure how well she will do the rest of the year. First the move and now this. I wish her teacher the best of luck. She has had a huge impact on Patches and is the main reason she has been so successful this year. (Please keep in touch! Take my cell # with you and call often.)

Nevermind

The guy changed his mind before anything was drawn up. He started going back and forth until I finally told him it wouldn't work for us and I wished him well. Of course, I really think he is an idiot.

Patches had a really bad night last night and we are trying to decide if it would be beneficial to involve the juvenile justice system in the future. She wasn't pshychotic, she was pissed. She hates the state testing and has been taking it out on us. SHe is mad about moving and instead of talking about it, she is abusing me. I've had it. She ran away and I let her. SHe kept coming back and destroying our property then leaving again. I am to the point that when she starts screaming she hates me, for no reason, and I am not her real mom, I agree with her. I'm not her real mom. Thank goodness, too. She goes on and on about how wonderful her life was and how I stole her. I've never been one to engage in all the crap but it is getting old. They have been here 4 years! We have established that I am second best, I am mean, she is never going to love me or come see when she grows up, I am fat, I stole her from a loving family, she wants to live with another family, I am old, and I am stupid. Why do we have to go over it so often? Maybe I should put all their statements in writing and when they start I could hand them a copy. You know, so they don't miss one.

Not What I'd Dreamed of but...

We found a house. We made an offer. He accepted it. If all goes well, we should move mid June.

It's smaller than we'd hoped for. It currently has 4 bedrooms and 3 baths. No Play Room or Dining Room. The front door opens into a giant room that contains the LR and Kitchen. They are separated by a stone fireplace that goes to the top of the vaulted ceilings. There is a large back deck and tons of windows leading out to it. Master bed and bath are on the left and 2 bedrooms and a bath are on the right. There is a staircase that leads to the basement that has another bedroom and bath. On the other side is an over sized double garage. It is on .6 of an acre and is a great level fenced in yard. It is within the city limits and walking distance to town. He is so desperate, he took $30k less than he was asking. Our payment should drop at least a couple hundred a month from what we are paying now. It is about 4 miles from my sister's house.

The down side? We have to rip out the nasty carpet and it with hardwoods before we move in. It is completely white, walls, tile, cabinets, and vinyl. We have to paint first, too. It must be disinfected, it is filthy. We will have to quickly turn the garage into a Play Room and a separate Reptile Room. In the meantime, Michael's room will have to house all the toys. I would love to tackle the Kitchen and bring it up to date but that would have to wait for a year or so. I will have to go through every room here and get rid of stuff to fit comfortably. That's not a bad thing other than I don't want to go through it all. LOL We will fit fine once I do that.

Patches has already asked to wallpaper her walls with her favorite actor. Cyr cried her eyes out and then tried to find ways to be excited. The little kids are thrilled. They do not like their current school and want to go. They all want to be close to their beloved Kiki and cousins.

The Girl With The Crazy Sister

Today is Cyr's birthday. All went well until I asked a few kids to do Cyr's chore for her. It did not go over well. One thought the other was being mean (read delusional thinking, as usual) and the other tried to help until they were smacked by the first one. The first one ended up sitting on the floor banging on things to ruin our movie and eventually began to amp things up a bit by threatening the younger kids. Not so unusual around here, right? We have 2 kids over tonight. Her fit made quite the scene, especially when she began to refer to me as a "fat bitch" and banged the end of the outside hose with it's attachment against the house. We scurried the kids off to their room and ran around her trying to prevent too much damage to her and our things. Good times. She always feels so bad about herself afterward. They all do. They hate they escalate to this level and are unable to stop until it's all out.

Last night was fun. It was another child's turn to flip out. I'm going to be cryptic but if you've read the entire blog, you will know what and who I'm talking about. We have 2 children that have an unhealthy bond. One has a new "love" interest that is returned. The other is extremely jealous and has feelings that they wish it was them. Not that they want a BF/GF, they want to have that person all for themselves. This child flipped out and had to be removed from a room to protect others. They were throwing stuff at me and hitting me when they went in for a bite. I grabbed their hair to keep them from it and had to hold them for some time, hurting my foot again in the process. I am pissed. I was just able to walk normally on it. This child ran away and screamed in the street until Cyr and I finally calmed her. She screamed, "Why did they make me like this? I hate them for making me feel like this!" I was so impressed with her insight about her feelings I almost forgot she had attacked me earlier like a wild animal. She is coping much better today.

I feel sorry for the future mates of my children. They are in for a tough road.

Completely inappropriate, Cyr expressed she is terrified she will be known as the girl with the crazy sister. I said, "Better to be known as the girl with the crazy sister than the girl that gives head." I'm not sure where that came from but it made sense to her and she agreed. I really need to work on thinking before I speak. This is going to be a difficult hurdle for her. Teens care what others think about them. She has 2 sisters coming up behind her that are going to humiliate her, daily. How do I convince her to be empathetic when it is such a difficult thing for her anyway? I suppose my sisters could say I humilated them, too. I also beat the booty of anyone that hurt them so that kinda made up for it. Maybe her sisters could be trained to protect her. LOL I can see Patches kicking some boys butt because he made Cyr cry.

One of my girls is obsessed with a movie star in The New Moon. OBSESSED! Everyone gets crushes on movie stars or rock stars, it's normal. She believes she will be his girlfriend. I tried to explain to her about the reality of that happening and this child is convinced I am wrong and if she could get away without me following her around, she could find him and make him her's. I see a future movie star stalker. I'm serious. It's weird. I think she could convince herself she is his girlfriend. I know it is a symptom of her illness and it scares the heck out of me. Please stop letting her watch that movie at school. It only feeds her delusion. She may tell you it's OK and she knows the difference but it's only to get her way and see him again. She is having dreams about him and says she wants to go to sleep to be with him. How about The Princess and the Frog or Zombieland? Anything would be better than the Werewolf. Oh she says she knows they are meant to be together because he looks like her. SHe believes he is a werewolf and will protect her. Her Nanny told her to friend him on FaceBook. I can't wait to see how that goes.

Could It Be True?

Since the med addition, my son and Ruthie have been less violent! It took a couple of days but I can see huge changes in my son. He has let me redirect him several times and even repeated the words I asked him to when he was being mean to another child. It was amazing! He usually flips out and takes an hour to get it back together so he can do it. He is still having auditory hallucinations but has even been able to find humor in it. He laughed and said, "It's just me again" when he realized no one else was hearing someone outside throwing things at the house and running back in forth in the leaves. I was so shocked, I just stared at him. He forgot to set out his clothes and do his chore but smiled and did it when asked. I mean he is a different kid. I am so happy for him. He seems to be having fun now. Whoo Hoo!

This is our week for the state mandated testing. I have several that are completely freaked out by ANY testing and had to take meds this morning to cope. The last thing I told them as they left this morning was to make sure they made a bunch of mistakes on the test so they can stay in elementary school forever and be my babies. They all laughed and swore to try, for my sake.

I have a few houses to look at Sunday. It is so hard to find one big enough for us in our price range. We have to have 5 bedrooms or 4 with an unfinished basement, a 2 car garage, big eat in kitchen, both a LR and a Den, hardwoods on main level, and a yard bigger than a postage stamp in a certain city. I've already given in to a few things like a yard trumps hardwoods and a 5th bedroom. I'm still hopeful but getting frustrated.

Spring Is Here

We are surviving Spring Break. Ruthie, Ella, Ava, and Emma spent several nights at my MIL's. Ruthie lost her crap over there proving to her (I hope) that it is not me that makes her act that way, as she has constantly stated for the last year. She was able to get it together and stay the rest of the time there. Emma left from there and went to her Mother's so they could leave for their FL vacation. Michael and Patches left today to go to Kiki's but Michael was picked up to spend the weekend with his aunt and uncle. We stole Brooklyn, my niece, for the weekend.

Still house hunting. Still nothing.

We have officially packed up all our winter clothes. Let me tell you, it's no easy feat. We are trying to down size our lives a little before the move and it was great to send 12 bags of clothes to my sister's and Emma's Mom's. After getting rid of everything we don't need I was able to see what we really do. I ran by my favorite thrift store and picked up some short for my 2 oldest and my son. He has finally gotten big enough to go up a size. I bought him tons of size 6 before he moved in because he was 6 yrs old and it has taken him 4 years to out grow it. He will be 10 in a couple months. He has been retained twice in school and is still the smallest in his class. I ordered sandals tonight for a couple of kids and the rest just traded down to the next kid from last year. I think that is the best part in clothing so many kids, they just pass their stuff down. Someone will wear it.

Playing Hookie

Most of the kids had a day off school this week to go to the psychiatrist and therapy. Emma and Cyr did not. In fact, Emma has only missed 3 days this year so she stayed home with me for some Mom Time. Cyr was not allowed b/c we had Mom Time when she was suspended earlier in the year.

Emma will be at her other Mom's house next week and then they are off to FL. This will be her sist's first view of the ocean so it will be special. The best part is that her Mom will be going with all 4 of her girls. I couldn't be happier for her. She deserves these special moments and to do it with all 4 makes it even better. She has struggled to be in the life of 1 of the girls after she was adopted by a family member. Now she sees her almost every weekend. Her Mom has done so much to imporve herself and stepped up to be the parent she knew her kids needed. I love her so much and am so proud of her. I remember a time she didn't think she would ever be so clean and free of that lifestyle. I never doubted it. I always knew she was a diamond in the rough.

What Did We Do Before Kiera?

I feel like all we do is complain lately so I asked the kids what their favorite part of being in our family was. It was unanimous, Kiera. She is the life of our home. She is a giggle a minute. Of course that minute is after an hour long tantrum for not getting her way but it's such a great minute.

She has a firm grasp on manipulation and uses it to control each of us to do her bidding. I am her channel changer, urine disposer, food source, and I can't forget the taster of all the meals she prepares in her tiny kitchen while holding her latest baby.

My DH keeps her warm, helps her reach up and touch the ceiling at her command, her seat mate at dinner, and her defender when the kids piss her off.

You would really think that Cyr, 13, would be more help than she is with her. Anything she offers to do is far out weighed by her constant giggles when Kiera is mouthing off to me or hits another kid. She is working on that, Cyr not the baby.

Patches adores her. She will do almost anything she says. She can reach Patches' heart with the tiniest whisper "I love you so much" when the rest of us scream it from the roof tops to no avail.

Ruthie would be perfectly content being her mother. In fact, that is her favorite game. It is hard for her to carry Kiera with her cast on but that doesn't stop her from getting on the floor every afternoon and playing puppies.

Michael, like Cyr, thinks her aggressiveness is funny. He refuses to work on it but we are giving him some wiggle room since he also thinks farts are funny. She sees him as her personal wrrestling partner. She pins him so fast he hits his head. He is terrified she will get hurt so he pretty much lays there and takes it.

Emma is still a little shell shocked from the series of biting incidents. She has traumatized Emma and she winces when she tries to get close to her. It will pass and they will be best friends again soon.

Ava is always worried she will get in trouble if the child screams and is constantly held hostage by the darn 2 yr old. Now that is funny. She will rush around trying to get her to stop. She will will become silent the second you give her what you have. Poor Ava.

Ella is also held hostage but with her new found attitude she throws the item on the floor and pouts like she is the 2 yr old. Ella is a sucker for singing with her so she demands things like, "Happy Birthday" or "Sunshine" and she is expected to know where to start in the song and do it immediately. There is always multiple songs in a row and about 1/3 of each is sung, randomly.

It's funny to hear her call them to her and demand they play with her or do their chore. She knows how to work them and if you watch, she will smile afterward. Lately, her thing is to compare everything to her birth sister, Lexie. She will tell them "Lexie likes it" or My Lexie loves me". She is wicked smart, smarter than several of the kids and uses it to her advantage. At some point, I will have to intervene and protect the big kids from her scemes and plans to take over the world. For now though I can be seen darting across the room to save them from her slaps, kicks, and pinches. She is quick and has an amazing ability to find your weakest spot.

She loves to talk on the phone and will always cut you off with "Love you bye". I am the one one that hears the other end profess their love back at her. When she is done, she is done and long gone before you can reply.

I am almost afraid to mention that her nights are improving and she seems to have stopped waking up after every nap or in the morning to 20 minutes of screaming in my ear. She is opening up to having her own bed but only if it is right next to my side. I'm not sure how I will get out of bed but at least I will be able to turn over. I'm sure we are a long way from her sleeping through the night.

She likes to pick out her clothes and has 13 shoes. You read that right, the mates to all the shoes are gone. I think she eats them. She isn't picky about the size of the shoes she wears or who they belong to. More than once I have had to take a screaming child to the van after taking off her Daddy's size 15 flip flops off her feet. You can not explain to her why they aren't appropriate attire over her ear drum rupturing sounds.

That will all come to a halt once she notices her lovey next to her car seat. Anything can be fixed by just the presence of her lovey. She will go back to that sweet little girl we all adore. Usually, she has already begun singing with Ella or making farting sounds for her brother getting him to giggle when he is becoming anxious.

She is the center of our family. She has taught all my other children to be careful and how to care about her tiny life. She has helped them heal in ways I could never do. She has a heavy load to carry here and no one else could do it as well as she does. She loves each one of them "so much" and asks me a hundred times a day when her "guys will be home" from school. The second they run through the door, she jumps up to the table for snack and begins trying to trick them into giving her theirs.

Now That Jennie talked Me down From The Edge

I have a better grip on my emotions and can think a little clearer. What's done is done. We adopted them all. We are keeping them together until WE decide it's not safe anymore.

We will be making some serious changes over the next 6 months. When we move we will be taking hte security cameras to the next level. We will be putting some distance between the few that need it by having their rooms on different levels of the house. This will include multiple play areas instead of just one so they can get away from each other. We will have to figure out a way for him to be home. I can't be alone with them for much longer. It won't be safe as Michael grows and Patches is almost too large for me now.

Financially, this will be a struggle. I'm not sure how or what we will have to do to manage. We will be applying for SSI and expect it to take a year to process. We have been told we can increase their subsidy so we will be trying to do that, as well. It's this or separate homes, for Michael and I. He could take Michael with him. That will be a very last resort even though my DH is fantasizing about having his own bed.

Same Advice, Separate Them

Our appointments this morning were horrible. Kiera's always been aggressive and demanding but she was completely out of control during the appointment. I always bring a bag of toys, snacks, and her lovey. She slept well last night and on the way there. She was in a decent mood until she wasn't. About 2 minutes into it she started hitting. It quickly moved to kicking and screaming. There was no ignoring this tantrum. Eventually, I had to have Patches take her to the van and let her scream it out there. I am not kidding. There was no reason for it and she couldn't have been meaner. The psychiatrist even said that is not normal behavior for a 2 yr old. He asked me some questions about her background and then apologized that she can not return for our visits with the other kids. It was that bad.

Overall, he was OK. I have come to terms with never being satisfied with a pdoc. He feels that if the meds are working, then they are the right ones. I had hoped for a little more advice and increase for Patches but not for 3 more months. He added a new med to Michael but warned me that he fears none of them will be OK together long term. He said based on his experience, Patches, Michael, and Ruthie will need to be separated from each other and possibly the family in order to succeed. He tried to back off it a bit and say that he would need to get to know us better before being sure that would hold true for our family. He spoke a lot about how they trigger each other and can't back down. This will continue to worsen. Ruthie's main issue is protecting Michael. She has now added Kiera to that. I can not correct Kiera sternly without her losing her crap.

I go back Thurs with Ruthie and Ava. I am sick about it. I want to lay down and cry myself to sleep. In fact, that's where I am going now.

My Dream Home

I'm taking Patches and Michael to the new p doc tomorrow. I'm stressed out hoping this will be the one and worried he won't. Our therapist has had a death in the family and won't be going with us after all.

House hunting has begun and is not nearly as much fun as I had hoped. I found a 110 yr old home that is bank owned. I may be in love. There are several things that were not on my list like a huge yard. It is in the middle of the tiny town and across the street from the city park and public library. I keep telling myself that makes up for the yard. There is no basement for his reptiles but does have a couple of outbuildings that would work great. He doesn't necessarily agree. It claims to be 4 bedrooms but it has several other rooms that aren't living rooms or dining rooms so we could use it for extra bedrooms. We would have to get rid of tons of stuff but that is appealing to me. The kitchen and family room has been completely restored and is the best part. It has original floors, doors, and fixtures. The porch wraps around 2 sides and the other 2 are surrounded by a huge deck. It needs the windows replaced and that will be costly but I'm in love. The best part is the price. Our mortgage would be in the low $600s. That alone gets me excited. It is 8 miles to my sister's front door and about 20 min to my Mom's. I'm trying not to get my hopes too high before an inspection but I can't help it.

Ella has found her voice and attitude, too. She has always played the victim until recently. Now she is becoming my little instigator. It's almost funny, almost.

Let's Embarrass Mom Day

They admit they like me. They don't mind being here. They are very clear that I am replaceable with another nice lady. I was very calm and didn't let them know how it felt. I praised them for being able to talk about the hard stuff and feel safe enough that they know I will accept them no matter what. Ava even said, "You told us we didn't have to love you and you have enough love to go around." We talked about what love is. How it feels. How you know and other factors. Each explained it a little different but the same outcome.

Cyr was so shocked by what they said. She doesn't understand it. She said, "How can they call you Mom then?" I helped her remember a time when she called me Mom but didn't like or trust me. It came flooding back and she was silent. She knows exactly how. She trusts me now. She cares how things make me feel and how they effect me. She gets angry when they hurt me or act out. She is attached. She is still working on her boundaries with others but she loves me. She is my inspiration for the others. If she can love me, any of them can.

I'm not sure how all this got past me. I think a big part of my hurt feelings is that I didn't know. I thought we were past all this. I thought they loved me.

This morning we are trying to get to therapy and then to a baby shower for a very old friend of mine's daughter. I haven't seen any of these people in years and have been looking forward to it. I am bringing extra prn meds and praying all will work out. We don't attend any events like this. This will be our first that wasn't strictly family. I'm worried they will pull crap and I will look like a crazy mom. There will be many friends of mine from high school and early 20s. It is the equivalent to a high school reunion but with their families. I keep thinking I should cancel.

Screw Honesty

Ruthie has a beautiful hot pink cast on her foot. She did indeed separate the growth plates on her left foot.

I missed the conference that I was supposed to speak at because they ran out of time. They will be doing a second part shortly to and I will be asked back then. They raved about the taped sessions we had done and felt everyone got so much from seeing us in action.

I took Ella to pick up her new pink hearted braces. She is thrilled to wear them and show them off.

We had a frank discussion at dinner that began about compulsions, moved onto their feelings about their sexual acting out amongst each other, and landed on how they really don't love me. They were being honest. No one was mad or upset. Three feel no connection to me, at all. Patches said if her teacher asked her to live with her, she go and not look back. Ruthie is the one that started it and said I don't feel like a mom to her. She likes me but not like a mom. Ava was afraid she would have to leave and when I promised no way, she confessed she likes me but doesn't love me. None of them think they ever will. They all like me, for the most part. They think I would protect them most of the time. They do not feel like a part of our family. They do want to stay with their siblings but if it meant going somewhere else, that would be fine.

My heart broke. I thought we were doing so well. I didn't have the heart to ask Michael to join the conversation. Cyr heard it and tried to help them understand what they were saying when it became all too clear, they knew and were telling the truth.

The children I pour my heart and soul into don't love me. They feel I am replaceable and probably with a better model. Damn, it hurts worse than I thought.

Karma

I'm off to take Ruthie to the Orthopedist. She tripped over the neighbor on Saturday and separated the bone plates on the side of her foot. Something to that effect, DH took her so I'm going with his version. Remember, he is seriously going deaf and has short term memories issues from 2 traumatic brain injuries. Who knows what is really going on with her foot.

Secretly, I'm thinking, serves her right for breaking mine 6 weeks ago. Karma's a bitch. I'd never say it to her but I am thinking it.

Patches is trying to get out of showering again. She is so sneaky but I'm sneakier!

Cyr broke down last night. It hit her really hard that we are moving. I hate it for her. It hurts my feelings so bad but it will do 2 main things for her. It will help her Mom find some sanity and put some distance between her and her boyfriend. He is a nice kid in front of us but has done some really stupid, dangerous things. It is for the best for all of us but it will break her heart in the process.

Prison Isn't Looking So Bad

I must admit, having a delusional person in your family is difficult but having 2 is enough to drive me mad. There is no reasoning with them. Today's first stupid argument went as follows,

Patches foot touched the laptop on the floor and Michael told her in a threatening tone, "You need to stop kicking the computer."

P, "I didn't see it."

M, "Yes, your did. I saw you look down."

P yelling now, "No, I didn't! I hate you! Your a baby!"

M standing and then getting in her face, "You did! I saw you!"

P, " No, I didn't!"

M, "Yes, you did!"

They repeated the last 2 statements about 20 times before I could yell loud enough for them to hear me. I tried to reason with them and finally blew my top. My response was, "Until your eyes are in her head, you can't tell me what she saw. Not every one is being mean to you. (They both say this constantly and can't tell you what the other person has done BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING. Sorry, back to regularly scheduled programing.) You are both required to stop talking to each other or I can't be responsible for my actions. If you are caught speaking to each other, I may or may not murder someone. GO!"

They repeated this argument about several different topics at least 10 more times. Is it wrong to count the days until they are 18? Probably only because they won't leave me until they are 40!

I swear I love them, well, most days. I'm so glad they have an 8:30 PM bedtime so I can recoup from the mere 5 hours an afternoon with them.

Pissed Off Over Pancakes

I got up and made pancakes for breakfast. The kids love them and we do this often adding different fruits or chocolate to them. Each child came to the stove to get theirs and add butter. They returned to the table to add syrup and eat them. Every child does this for themselves. We recently stopped running over the pancakes with the pizza cutter and suggested they try to cut them up with their fork. Nothing has been said about this until today.

Today, Patches was one of the first to start eating and when the others began, she went off. She insisted they were copying her. Everyone was confused. She screamed and slammed things around until I finally figured out what she was upset about. She claimed they were all cutting their pancakes with a fork, like her. I had them each show me simultaneously how they were doing it. It was painfully obvious that Patches was delusional. No one was "copying" her. They were eating. She went on for several minutes before slamming herself around the kitchen and throwing her plate at the sink. She continued to slam her room around for an hour.

This is one tiny example. I have 2 kids that are delusional like this. They have their own thoughts and rules and we all must abide by them or we get this. They hold us hostage with their delusions and paranoia. Most days, I can see it for what it is. Some days, I'm just sick and tired of it. Today, I'm sick of it.

She has just blown up again and gone to her room. This time she is angry because she felt it was her turn with a ball so she took it. The others all agree it was Ella's turn. She called me a *itch and went to her room. There is no pleasing her. If I try to explain it to her she thinks I am out to get her. If I let her stew in it, there are 2 possibilities. She will eventually calm down and come back or she will continue to escalate and we have to intervene physically.

All this started over pancakes.

Don't Hold Your Breath

The therapist and I discussed our current struggles and my perception of them. Something happens when you live with certain behaviors over a long period of time, your normal changes. The things that I have been willing to tolerate or write off as things we have to deal with is need of a tune up.

I watched, along with millions, the 20/20 show last Friday about Childhood Schizophrenia. It made me stop and look at our situation. One family had made a point to take down all the doors in their home because their daughter had tried to strangle her sibling behind a closed door. They showed a child in crisis screaming for help and to go to the hospital. It gave me something to compare ourselves to. I'm not saying my kids are sicker than theirs, I'm saying we deal with that stuff and it didn't occur to me how bad it is. We don't have the opportunity to see other families with our issues to see where the line should be drawn. In our household, the line is just moved as their needs increase. I read others blogs or have other supportive relationships online but I don't see their crisis, I hear about it. It is much different.

This isn't the fist time my son has wrapped his hands around his siblings neck. We hear our children scream to go to the hospital because they can't be safe or fear their will hurt someone. This has become a regular behavior that we moved the line to make room for. These things have decreased in their frequency but intensified. They used to rage and scream that they hated me or wanted to live somewhere else. They now scream they want to die or kill me. How did that become "normal"?

I know how this has happened. I haven't been able to consider splitting them up for more than a few nights. Like a frog placed in cool water, we never noticed it was getting hot until it was boiling. I seem to have some stupid need to fix all their boo boos myself. My self esteem seems to be mixed up in being their mom and not giving up. The isolation has helped me convince myself it isn't as bad as it is. The wonderful children the world sees outside of our home. If I am completely honest, I worry that if they have to go, we will drown financially due to hospitalization costs and lost AA. So, I keep on managing. After all, once the crisis is over, they are exhausted and I can convince myself we made it and maybe I was wrong about how sick they are. I find myself trying to prove they dx are all wrong, in my head, and they are right to my DH. How weird is that? I guess, I need him to understand while I am quietly hoping to prove it all wrong.

It is becoming increasingly obvious that they shouldn't have been placed together. At least one of them desperately needed to be separated from the rest. She is triggered worse today than ever. We are narrowing down the treatment possibilities that will end in her hospitalization. (If you have read here more than once, you are aware that I do not want to consider hospitalization and constantly give myself a time line to consider it again then move it up over and over. I fear long term hospitalization would trigger their intense abandonment/attachment issues.) What if the thing I have fought the hardest against is what needs to happen? What if they all need some separation to change the cycle they are in?

I left the appointment with some ideas to go back to. Things we have stopped doing that need to be incorporated once again. Things that will make us all feel like failures. Things that have to be done to prevent catastrophic incidents. Sometimes you need a kick to the head to see things clearly. I'm glad we have good therapists that are more than willing to step on my toes when I need it. Our therapist is processing the application for a program called CBAY. It's a step above IFI and before long term hospitalization. It's a last resort to maintain them here at home. He is sure we have plenty of documentation to qualify so it's just a matter of time.

On a better note, LOL not really, Michael is hallucinating. I'm sure of it. It's denied by him but he is at least hearing things. He is looking around like he is being called. He settles back in and does it again. Over and over. I said his name a few minutes later and he didn't respond. I said it again and he looked around and back down. I'm not sure if I explained that well but it is obvious he hears something and he can't tell the difference between the real noise/voice and the hallucination. His delusions are increasing and he made a commitment today to try to let me help him determine if the other child is really trying to get him in trouble or harm him before he attacks them. I'm not holding my breath and I don't suggest you do either.

Choke or Strangle?

Ruthie was able to keep herself together while her brother melted down last night. I couldn't even find the energy to get upset about him. Ava and Michael had taken it upon themselves to clean off the back deck. It was very sweet until he wasn't. She wanted to move the chairs to the back part of it. He didn't and yelled she was being mean to him. She walked past him to get another chair. He pushed her in the stomach and jumped on her wrapping his hands around her throat. He tried to choke her but she is bigger than he is and was able to knock him off. When the story was related to me by Ava, he became enraged with me. He didn't want her to use the word choke. If she explained it without that word, he was fine with the explanation. It makes no sense but that has become my life. It's acceptable to strangle your sister but not to choke them. Go figure.

Feeling Blah

I had to have an embarrassing conversation with the counselor at the elementary school today. One of my kids is getting aroused in PE and throughout her day at school. She asked for intervention by the school so I had to explain it to them. Trust me, it's never easy to find words to explain your child's need to masturbate because a peer had to stand between their legs. How do you warn them to be aware of her compulsion to touch touch herself but claim you think others are safe around her? This child thinks she is being inappropriate because she spreads her legs in front of her classmates. What she doesn't understand is they have no idea she is getting off on this since she has jeans on. Is she still inappropriate? I think she is since it is making her aroused. I do not feel the other children are in danger due to this. I feel it is important all her teachers are aware of this recent behavior and help her get her mind onto other things.

Another child has been acting out at school. She's not a peach around here but manageable. She is supposed to be writing 3 things she thinks will help her cope with school tomorrow. I gave her at least 8 suggestions and told her to use them if she felt they would help. She is refusing to accept responsibility for her behavior and to help find ways to avoid it. According to her, I should know what to do. I must have missed that page in the handbook. Again, my fault. She is currently resting her head on the table making herself fall asleep. I have no plan to disturb her and her intense thinking.

Ella is passed out on the sofa. I swear any time she slows down, she goes out.

My son informed me when he came in from the bus, "It nice outside. We need to play there."

I feel blah. I need to find the strength to get back into things. I'm not there yet. I could sleep the day away. I'm ready for them to overcome their issues and have a great life. Since that's not happening, I feel blah.

Yesterday was another rough evening. One child lost her shiznit and threatened all of us several times. She wanted to call DFCS on her sisters, tell her teachers I don't love her, and a few other random threats. I immediately knew she was not safe and removed the other children from the room. After over an hour, she finally admitted she was having inappropriate thoughts about the kids. She was worried she would "have to touch them". She claimed she is "a bad girl". No amount of reassurance would calm her and she wasn't clear about who or why she would have to do it. The only thing that helped was to tell the other kids she was feeling unsafe and make them promise to tell on her. After that she finished picking up her room and nothing else was said until shower time. At that point, she wanted to be sure no other child would come in the bathroom. Once we all agreed, she moved on. I tried to help her see how safe she was by warning the other kids she was having feelings about it. She couldn't accept it. Apparently, she is evil and nothing can change that.

Another child deliberately dumped my clean laundry from the washer onto the floor. I was not a happy camper when I found it and hollered out to the LR that it was not acceptable. Knowing what she did, she went off. She hated me, I am only mean to her, I hate her, and so on. One of the kids asked her why she was mad at me and both my DH and I had to cover our mouths so we didn't burst into laughter. She insisted I told her to move some of the clothes to the dryer. I never said all of them. She had done nothing wrong. We were out to get her in trouble. I am always mean to her b/c I hate her. She avoided a violent episode but refused her meds for the first time. I caught her on one of her many runs to the bathroom, in the middle of the night, to go down and take them. She woke with a migraine this morning and I am sure it from taking them without enough sleep afterward. I hate it for her but I insisted she go to school.

Kiera is singing her head off. She has mixed 4 or 5 songs together and sings at the top of her lungs. It cracks me up.

Emma went skating with a boy this weekend while Ava spent the night at her friend's.

We are all alive, barely. We have a long awaited event tomorrow that I am hoping they will manage to get through without any huge episodes.

One great thing I want to share is........I think 3 kids may be close to getting out of pull ups at night soon. Silly thing to be excited about? They are really expensive for kids the size of an adult and 1 of them uses 2 or 3 a night. I can't wait to find a creative way to use that extra $.

A Big Weekend

I have posted about our issues with finding a new psychiatrist. We have a new one that is scheduled for March 30 and our male therapist will be going to the appt with us. I am so glad. I told him I was concerned it was the way I was relaying the information because I am having such a hard time. He insists it's not but offered to come for support and back me up.

I had arranged with our pediatrician to provide scripts for the kids until then. She had asked for a letter from our therapist with a list of the meds, verification they were necessary, and that we had been searching for a new p doc. What changed suddenly was her need to see them and a full schedule until Monday. I ran out of meds last night and within 24 hours our lives could be in shambles.

Here's hat we all agree would happen because it already does and it would just be worsened with the lack of meds. Patches would think Michael is trying to get something over on her or is trying to get her in trouble. This would escalate very quickly into a screaming match. Patches would start to hit her head against the wall or floor and pull out large chunks of her hair. She would threaten to kill herself and then make attempts to do so. Meanwhile, Michael would let out a primal scream out and run to his room. He would throw every item in his room into the hallway while making threats to kill Patches or myself. He would slam things against the window and when I peeked in to be sure he was not hurt he would try to punch and kick me. He would escalate until I had to hold him to prevent injury to myself. If I stay away, he would search me out or turn on one of the kids. Ruthie would have become agitated at the first sounds of a scuffle and completely dissociate by the time I have to physically intervene. She would threaten to kill herself and me, attacking me physically by jumping on my back while I hold her brother in a safety hold. The moment it had begun to get loud, Cyr, Emma, Ella, and Ava would have taken the baby to the living room to play music and dance. Cyr would until every one was distracted and come try to help. Eventually, we would have to call the police and have them all hospitalized.

How do I know this would happen? It is exactly what happens several times a week. The only difference is the phone call to the police and hospitalization. I know it would escalate to that point because since the meds have been introduced the intensity of their episodes have dropped tremendously. Without them, I can only assume it wouldn't calm down within hours, like it does now. Yes, they last hours. Some times all day long before they wear themselves out. Two or 3 of them would also begin to hallucinate and 2 of them would cry uncontrollably for hours for no reason. They can not help themselves. There is nothing we can do here that would avoid this from happening. But I have a plan.

I sent out a text to all the people that we trust and asked them to each take a child. See, the kids are triggered by each other and so if we separate them that won't happen. Yes, they will still be on edge and be extremely moody but they do so much better around people they do not associate with our immediate family. They are unsure about their surroundings so they will be quiet and more cautious about their responses. They will not have chores or responsibilities. They will be treated like royalty.

They all feel safe with the member we are sending them with and we put a lot of thought into who gets who. Patches asked to go to my sister's, Kiki. She said Uncle Todd can keep her safe because he can restrain her and has handcuffs and a gun. As an officer, he is very strong and used to dealing with mentally ill people. This was her idea. Michael is going to my MIL's to play video games with Papa. He gets lost in the games and is afraid of Papa, to some extent. He will have the dogs to help keep him calm and no other children. Ruthie and Emma will be going together to my Mom's, Gorges. Ruthie is about 5 yrs old and very girlie. My Mom loves to bake and do girlie stuff. They will be great together because Emma will help distract Ruthie from crying for hours. They will be surrounded by a lovely community of elderly woman. The twins will be going to their birth Aunt and Uncle. This was perfect for them because they won't be triggered by too much because they have the fewest memories. Ava may have a hard time trying not to cry all day but she will feel safe and adored there. I will have Kiera and Cyr. Cyr has plans with my DH to go to some all day concert Saturday. I plan on watching movies and eating the many meals Kiera cooks for me. I'm sure she will rotate between being my dog and my Mommy all day. I will be available to the kids by phone any time they need me.

A Family Meeting

Michael became enraged when asked to "run through" his chore. It was a simple task I asked of all the kids. His chore is the hall bathroom. He is expected to clear the floor of any leftover clothes, wipe down the toilet, and sink. A mere moment of work. He grabbed the broom and swung it almost knocked Patches and I in the head, on purpose. I had to grab the handle to stop him from trying again.

When I moved to protect myself, Ruthie went off. She has done well over the last week of keeping it together when he has lost it or rants on and on but this time she was crazy before I could say anything. She was worse then he was. The screaming and rants are hard to ignore. She leaned over us with her fist balled up and tried to hit me. Someone came around the corner and scared her and she retreated to her room a foot behind her. She makes no sense when she is like this. She doesn't even really know what is going on other than she is out of control. It gets Michael going even more and he couldn't get a grip. He was frightened about all the noise she was making. He couldn't see what she was doing but heard her promises to jump out the window. He finally began to sob and turned over clinging to me. It took her over 2 hours to calm down. He took about an hour.

I was so stressed after that I couldn't do homework with the kids. My foot was smashed during the event and was/is throbbing. We ate the dinner I had been making and a very emotional talk afterward. Cyr vented about her guilt for not saving them. All the kids talked about how these episodes make us feel. We all hate them. None of us want to participate. We are all scared and sad when they happen. The 3 that are the root of the events, cried hard and shared what they are thinking sometimes during them. Sometimes, they think about their parents when they are out of control. They feel scared until I restrain them and then they know they won't hurt themselves. Ruthie is still blacking out for some of them. I gave them all a break for the night and began showers. When they were done, we made our very first batch of homemade, from scratch, cookies. They each got 3 and a glass of milk before dinner. They were so good.

I thought we were all done for the night and sent them off to bed. Everyone was giggling and had their bellies full of warm homemade goodness. Most were asleep in minutes. Patches was not. I went up to check on Kiera and she was standing outside her door. She looked weird so I asked what she was doing. She quietly stared into her room. Figuring she was mad at me for some made up reason, I went on into my room and laid next to Kiera for a minute. Patches came in a minute later and told me someone was in her room. She told me they were on her floor crawling around and had a mask on. She was frightened. I asked her if she wanted to crash on Dad's side of the bed until Cyr came up to bed. She couldn't have moved any faster. Patches usually barely moves faster than a snail. After a couple of minutes, she told me the person was right by her boots and looked at her. She hadn't been afraid until they looked at her. She was confused why she would see someone after not for a few months.

The hardest part of parenting my child isn't the violent episodes, it's not being able to stop these hallucinations. They are terrified of them. Some of them are creatures and scary people, others are friendly towards them or don't seem to mean harm. They can't tell if they are real or not. They do seem odd to them like a stranger in their room or grapes flying off the shelf at the store, or someone looking in a 2nd story window are not possible. It's exhausting for them and for me. I desperately want to fix this for them and I know that isn't possible.

A Broken Back

My son fell out of a tree last weekend playing with the neighbor boys. He barely mentioned it to my DH in passing and ran back out to play some more. I didn't hear about it until Thursday night when he casually mentioned that his back hurt. I questioned him a bit about it and gave him ibuprofen. He never complained again. The next day I offered to take him to the doctor or he could go to the Parent's Night Out at the school for a couple hours and we'd go over the weekend. He opted to go to the school. Saturday morning he freaked out and screamed that I don't love him and I refuse to take him to the doctor. He said he keeps telling me he can't sleep because it hurts so bad and nothing helps. He threw everything he could reach at me and sobbed that he knew he had broken his back. It was quite the scene. It took a lot of conversation to prove I hadn't known it was serious and why. When I took him to the doctor, he downplayed it a lot. They x-rayed him and nothing was wrong. It broke my heart that he feels so unloved no matter my efforts. I promised him over and over that nothing will make me stop trying to make him understand how much I love him and he can depend on me.

I Just Realized

that none of my children give me the heebie jeebies when they hug me anymore. I'm sure it sounds horrible to those of you that are reading with attached children or your own homemade ones so let me go back and explain.

When the kids came home to us, several of them had clingy and sexual affection for us. The sexual part got under control but the clingy, hanging on for dear life hugs were still present for a very long time. Have you ever known someone that hugged you too long or was desperate for your attention to the point it made you feel uncomfortable? Multiply that by 100 and you may begin to feel what some of my children do to others. They were so desperate that it was hard for others to be around them the first years. Their loving aunt and uncle were afraid to hurt their feelings and our extended family and friends were horrified to have this little child sitting on their lap or refusing to leave them alone. (We are still having an issue with friends. A couple of our kids will even still scoot towards them after the friend has been obvious and scooted away from the child.)

Try and form a parental relationship with a child that makes you feel like that. One that has to have 100 kisses on your lips and then 100 more blown back and forth before you finally put your foot down on the number they are allowed. Sound harsh? It felt awful. I loved these children but their poor boundaries with me and any other breathing adult was overwhelming at times. If I was sitting in a chair, they would lean over my back, hurting me while they lay all their weight one me. This "love" they were sharing was not affectionate but painful.

We knew to be straight forward with them from the start. We knew no one had sown them the right way to be affectionate and they needed to be taught was appropriate in a caring way. In other words, I could see myself losing control if I was kneed in the face one more time by a child climbing up in my lap while I was using the restroom. (Yes, that happened.) We began with the big stuff like "please don't kiss my breast because it is not OK but if you'd like to kiss my hand, that's OK". We figured the sexual stuff would draw the most attention and needed to take priority for every one's safety. We used a the term "personal space" to let the kids know they had crossed a line within our family and with others. It was easy enough to say and funny to watch them all scatter to appropriate places without anyone being singled out. I still have to use it on a regular basis when others are here or we are out and I can see all my kids double checking to be sure it's not them.

I sat some of them down about a year ago and had a real heart to heart about it. These kids were still extremely clingy and desperate towards me. I worried it was me. Maybe I didn't like this child as much as the others. Maybe that child was just more of a hugger. I really thought about it and put myself on trial. I realized that it wasn't me. These children needed to find other ways to be affectionate and as their mother, it was my job to teach them. I explained how hugs that hurt didn't make me feel lovey towards them but made me feel like I didn't want to hug them. I told them it wasn't their fault and I would help them regulate their need for physical affection. Sounds horrible, I know. It felt worse, trust me. I was clear that I wanted to get hugs from them but they needed to ask before they ran into me or laid their bodies over me. I put a limit on the amount of kisses I was giving at bed time. I made a point to initiate physical contact before they asked or did it.

It took time and we are still working on it. What is better is we no longer have to put limits on it. These same children have learned appropriate times and how to hug. I am not leaving the hug feeling violated. The best thing is they feel good about it. They know I love them and want to snuggle now. It has been great for our relationship and their growth. It did hurt their feelings at first but has made them feel so much better about themselves now. One child had mentioned it awhile ago, she told me she is a good hugger now. She admits she still hugs her teachers a lot but tries to make them quick ones;)

"Your kids are too much for me"

This is what the latest new pediatric psychiatrist said to me among other things like,

"I'm thinking of retiring so I won't be around for the many years they will need a doctor." (but he is still accepting new patients)

"When you return, please leave the little kid at home. She is very distracting." (Kiera was playing very quietly in the floor. I should have known it was an issue when he refused to see us in his office and made us sit on tiny chairs in a playroom.")

"I don't think I can be available for all the after hours you will need." (I was clear, we don't need him other than regular hours so I am not sure what he was talking about)

"I can't believe you still keep them at home with you. You should really consider a hospital setting and visit them. Some kids are so traumatized they never adjust in a family setting." (This was after he read the psychological evaluations of Michael and Patches.)

"Your kids are just too much for me. They need someone willing to stay involved long term. I can't manage this many severely ill children in one family." (I don't see why it was important they were all in one family since he told me he only see them 2 at a time and he doesn't have to live them. I do appreciate he let me know he couldn't do it and was honest about his hesitations.)

Our AT gave me the # to his child's doctor. I about jumped through the phone and hugged him. We are set to see him at the end of the month. His office is close to the area we are moving to and the staff was polite on the phone. Now if we don't scare him off, we will be set.

Did you know you could scream so hard that the tiny capillaries under your eyes can rupture? I have a second child now that has managed to do it. It's like tiny poke a dots under her eye.

Did you know if you left a half a cup of coffee sitting for who knows how long it turns into a thick sludge that will stick to the person you throw the cup at? It will make them smell so bad and feel like they have been covered in goo.

I discovered I could still protect my child with throbbing pain in my foot. It's crazy how your mind will shut off the pain in order to help them.

I looked forward to a quiet day with the baby today after a hard weekend.

More Trouble

My foot is throbbing. I want to lock myself in the room and sleep through it. Kiera is all for it, to. She is my kind of snuggly baby during the day. LOL I was woken from my fitful rest to the Principal from the middle school. (I love this woman. All the kids at her school hate her but I love her.) Anyway, she called to tell me Cyr's boyfriend had been sending her emails and texts about gang crap and he had made a "Hit List". You read that right, he plans on killing several classmates because they are disrespectful of Cyr. Now throw in a mixed up little girl and she is proud of him. She feels protected by him. She doesn't see anything wrong with it and thought she could change him. Any one else see a problem with that thinking?

It seems we have discovered Cyr's area of weakness. BOYS. She is attached to me. I know this for sure and that used to be the biggest concern. She worries about me not because of how it would affect her if I was hurt but for my actual pain. Huge progress for her and I am so proud of her. It has become painfully obvious that boys will be her downfall. She is so in love with this boy. She would do anything he said. To me he is a punk kid, no real threat to her, until now. He acts tough but I don't think he would do anything to anyone. The fact she is attracted to a boy that talks this crap is a problem. The fact he was moved here to get away from a gang makes me worried. He also goes there every other weekend to visit and has access to them. These same people were a part of the threats today. The fact he wouldn't do something doesn't mean he wouldn't involve someone else. She has been talking about pot with this boy but we don't believe she has been doing drugs. She offered to drug test and pay for it. She is just trying so hard to be cool. We have removed her MySPace privilege and all phone calls must be in the room with an adult. She lost her cell last Fall due to nude photo exchanges and sexting with multiple boys. This is going to be a tough few years. I can't wait to watch her with her teens and giggle about all the lovely fun her and I had.

To top off my week, another one of my girls became a "woman". I am seriously considering options to protect that child in the next year or so. Someone will take advantage of her and she is already boy crazy. She is such a pretty, petite thing, the boys will look past the fact she can't keep up in a conversation.

One final thing, Kiera is limping and complaining her foot hurts, too. She wants to eat lunch in bed with Sesame Street on. Little Booger.

A Really Bad Day

The morning started off great. Kids ate and we were all in a great mood. We had discussed watching a movie together on the living room floor and I had asked them to pick up their room and grab pillows and blankets. My bad, I should have known it would throw someone over the edge. Ava and Ruthie went to pick something up at the same time and Ruthie felt like Ava was "snatching" it from her. Now we all know that is the cue that a child has permission to beat the crap out of another one, right? Yeah, neither did I but she did. She slammed Ava's head into the corner of the TV. Nice, huh? I went upstairs and asked her to come down to time out. She refused. I couldn't leave her up there so I gave her 1 minute and then offered to help her down stairs. I put my arms under her pits and lifted. She kicked and went crazy once we were in the hall. I let go and asked her nicely to compose herself and follow me. Not a chance. She went nuts, started hitting me and grabbed a handful of my left breast. I tried to turn her but she threw herself on the floor kind of in a ball and began kicking and hitting me. I managed to flip her over to protect myself but the hall was too narrow to get into a proper position. The entire time she was screaming she was going to kill me, the kids, or herself. I had to hold her and I knew it wouldn't be easy. I got on my knees and sat over her careful not to put all my weight on her. That's when she moved her right knee onto my foot and dug it in. I heard it crunch and within seconds I felt sick to my stomach from pain. I held on as long as I could but I had to get her to come back to reality quickly because I couldn't hold on for long.

I sent one kid for ice, another held her feet and I managed to reach her enough that she stopped trying to kill me. The top of my foot was lack and when I tried to put weight on it I cried. I called my DH and asked him to come when he could. Unfortunately in the meantime, Patches lost her grip and began her own version of slow torture on me. She can't handle it when I get hurt. She feels unsafe and attacks me, usually physically, but this time just verbally. I was in so much pain and needed to rest but she couldn't allow that. She kept threatening to kill herself and put plastic bags over her head to suffocate.

I only got her in the van with the promise that she could stay at the hospital, if she wanted. By the time we got there, she had calmed. The presence of another physically able adult helped her feel safer. We waited a couple hours and I had xrays. I left with little more info about my foot other than the pain caused my blood pressure to go through the roof, so I must be in a lot of pain and pain pills. The xrays did not show a break but they countered that with, "a small fracture wouldn't show up on our machine so go to the orthopedist in a couple days, if it still hurts". After all was said and done the nurse wrapped it up, told me to use crutches for a week, and quietly told me she thought it probably was fractured considering the pain I was in.

I still can't step on it and I want to cry because I am so tired. It's hard to sleep with throbbing pain and nightmares of horrific foot injuries. Thank goodness, all the kids are back in school and I can rest up a bit with the baby.

Oh and Ava woke up this morning with a weird swollen thing going on just on one side of her face. She'll have to go to the doctor after school today. Poor thing was mortified about kids seeing her like that. I'm sure she will be fine. I gave her an antihistamine, just in case.