Valentine's Day

We spent the entire day at my sister, Kiki's. We brought melt in your mouth Ribs, homemade Mac and Cheese, and The Best Baked Beans Ever to go with some wonderful Green Beans, Venison Burgers, and homemade Cookies. So the eaten was good. We were all stuffed when Kiki announced it was time to play.

Maybe I should back up a bit. For those of you that haven't read the entire blog or know us in person, we DeBruces play some mean Kickball. I'm sure you are sitting there thinking, we must be great. That's not what I meant. We are mean when we play or so a couple of my kids say. Patches and Ella may or may not be the 2. Actually, most of us love it and the other 2 or 3 need a few minutes of crying to warm up and then it's all grins from there.

We all got our full bellies on the field and we let Uncle Todd and my DH pick the teams. Being the thoughtless wieners they are, they made Ella and Ava last and then argued over which one they were going to force on the other. Honestly, they meant it to be funny but the 2 girls were horrified. (After a little private chat, Kiki and I will always be the last ones picked from here forward to avoid hurt feelings.) Once the sides were picked, my team was up first. Shoving Ella into the line she was terrified when she had to kick. I ran up to her and took her by the arms and drug her into the ball and off to the first base. A few kids came up and went so I ran with her to the bases one at a time, screaming words of encouragement every step of the damn way. When her and I finally got to home base (Really, I thought we should have been granted 2 points since I had to run, jump, and scream around every base), I had to do the same things with Patches. By the time it was my turn, I was breathing hard. We played for what seemed hours and the 2 kids ended up grinning from ear to ear most of the game. Patches even asked to pitch and did a fantastic job at it.

I think we ended at 30 something to 4. We had to stop and let the other kids kick a few times so they wouldn't have hurt feelings. Who won and lost was only important to the men. The rest of us just had a blast.

We managed slip in some 4 wheeler fun and roasted marshmallows on the bonfire. Not sure we could have handled any more fun but are willing to try in April when we do it all over again.

Kiera had a really good time playing with her sister and Mom. They spent most of the time inside because her sister couldn't wrap her tiny head around kickball. She is being raised as an only child and has 2 semi retired grandparents that play with her. In other words, every one in her life's world revolves around her. Not a bad thing but it made it hard for her to understand why all of us were not giving it to her constantly. She kicked the ball and then screamed because they caught it and didn't roll it to her again. It was too funny. We tried so hard to explain but in the end, they each got a baby and a stroller to push around. They bother went home with their clothes trashed. When they weren't busy with their babies, they were chasing chickens.

Poor Guy

Michael told me last night, after a huge blow out because I asked him to find his gloves for today, he feels like he is getting sicker. He isn't hallucinating but he thinks the girls are trying to get him in trouble and we are all against him. He said he can't help but get into fights with Patches over and over and he wants to die. He had been violent towards me before this conversation and had to be held.

I'm up early this morning making Baked Beans, Homemade Mac and Cheese, and wrapping up the Ribs I cooked last night to take to my sister's. We are going to pick up Kiera's sister and meet up with her Mom for the day. We have a day of kickball, bonfire, and roasted marshmellows on the agenda. I can't wait.

Georgia Blizzard 2010

Christmas 2009

Kiera's Family for Christmas

Pictures are Coming

I am kinda slow in the area of technology. I couldn't figure out how to get the pictures off my camera so now you will be seeing a parade of photos since the beginning of December.

Keeping It Together

Patches is losing her crap over everything. She had a huge meltdown in the van because her brother looked at her mean. She screamed and yelled about how much she hates him. I was driving and couldn't over so I tried get her attention focused on me until he could move away from her. Once she did that she pulled out her hair and hit her head against the window for some time. I always worry she will break the window and get really hurt. She destroyed one of her jackets with a pen and Cyr had to intervene for the first time in months. She finally stopped when we got home and I made her look me in the eyes. I told her this didn't have to ruin her day, she could move past this and to take her time before coming in. She managed to do just that. She had to be closely monitored the rest of the day and had several mini meltdowns but no one was hurt.

Today is another tough morning already. I had to give her additional meds to calm her and separate her from her brother. It is painfully obvious she is back to putting her focus on him and truly is slipping away from us. We have to have her meds adjusted quickly.

A Blizzard

We were supposed to get 1-2",per the local news station this morning. It began several hours ago and shows no signs of stopping. We have at least 3-4" in our yard. The kids are thrilled to death and ran out to play in it. I was being a bad mom and chatting on the phone with Jennie when they ran out. I went to take pictures and discovered 2 of my kids didn't have hats on, had Crocs on their feet, and their coats unzipped and were barely on. Good thing I looked when I did or they would have been popsicles before too long.

Kids are out of school until next Thursday. Wish me luck, people.

It's Gonna Snow!

Or at least that is what the weather folks are screaming. I have to grocery shop in the morning and I'm sure they will be out of milk and bread because every family has rushed there tonight in anticipation of being snowed in. I already have those items so I'm just grabbing stuff for our big Valentine's Day celebration with my sister, Kiki.

All of our family, Kiera's mother, boyfriend, sister, Gorges (my mom), and Kiki's 3 kids and husband will be hanging out up there for the day for a couple of reasons. We have agreed to supervise all of Kiera's Mom's visits with her daughters and Kiki and I promised to get together about every 6 weeks this year because so much time seems to slip by before we know it. We are all looking forward to it. Poor Kiki has the tiniest, cutest house ever and we will be quite overwhelming in it.

I'm cooking a couple of my favorites from Pioneer Woman. We will be bringing Spare Ribs, Mac and Chez, and Baked Beans. Kiki is doing the paper stuff and a veggie. Gorges is the best baker and we will be enjoying some of her cookies. Trust me, they are heavenly.

Finding Strength

Patches is supposed to be getting in the shower as I type. She refused for 2 days and it was getting very bad. She was one little grease ball. It's a good thing I love her b/c I would have run from someone else's kid.

I am talking her another psychiatrist today. I am nervous but will be better prepared to stand up for myself and my kids. I have some new found strength from a group I belong to of parents with children inflicted with Schizophrenia. It is not uncommon for doctors not to believe what they don't see. Since most doctors don't see Childhood Onset Schizophrenia, it's hard for them to wrap their heads around. If I have to drive 2 hours to find a good doctor, I will.

We have something going on that I am hesitant to write details about here yet but will give you a hint. If I give you a time, channel, and date, would you watch us on TV?

More Psychiatry Woes

We had decided to go ahead and start the search for another psychiatrist in the part of town we will eventually move to. Our history with psychiatrists is troubled. For some reason, it is hard for people to envision my son psychotic. Patches they get because she refuses to interact and forces herself to fall asleep in the visit. They see her antisocial behavior and can make the leap to her lovely episodes. Michael is sweet and talks like a baby, he is adorable, and acts like he has no idea what the doctor is talking about when they ask him questions.

I took both of them to a new doctor today and this woman proved to be very detail oriented and I liked that. SHe began to with Patches and asked toms of questions about both her, our family, her previous meds, her dx and so on. She made a couple of faces about the dx and meds. SHe began to tell me she felt she was on too much meds and she refused to write a script for the meds she currently uses to calm down. SHe required proof. SHe wants me to bring in the bottles and a list from the pharmacy proving she uses these drugs. SHe wants a summary from the hospitalizations to prove they were necessary. SHe wants to know who dx'd her and to speak to them. I agree I will do all that.

We start with Michael. SHe refused to accept he is violent and had to be hospitalized for being homocidal. REFUSED. She refused to write any scripts for him at all. SHe wants me to run around and get all that stuff for her before she will do it. SHe wants to assign us a case manager to follow our family because if they were indeed this bad, we would have required further services by now.

If anything, I downplayed their symptoms because things have been great lately. I exsplained that most of the issues have minimized but in the last 6 months we have seen this, this , and this. Needless to say, we are looking for another one immediately. Our therapist is trying to find one that works in that area that he is familar with. I am so pissed I wasted an entire day on crap. I asked the therapist if it was me, maybe the way I present things. He is just as shocked as I am and promises to help relay the information with me to the next one.

Here I go Again

Perhaps I haven't been clear about the recent events surrounding my daughter. It's easy to jump to conclusions about a blogger's life when they fail to fill in all the blanks. It is the only reason I can think of that someone would go into Anonymous mode and leave the following comments. The first is about the phone calls.

Maybe you should take the time to monitor who your child is talking to and at what times. Seems like a parenting issue that you are skirting. Your child is a child. In one instance, she is an innocent victim...in another, you are forcing her to be responsible. Make up your mind. Clearly, she doesn't trust you...but you will blame that on her being a teenager... Seems like you should take a long, hard look in the mirror...


I'm positive you don't know me or you would know that we actually power down the downstairs at night. She had to sneak down hit the breaker. Tip toe back up the room the phone is connected to the cable modem and turn on 1 fart strip, wait for it to turn all the on and that takes more than 60 seconds. Turn on the other fart strip and wait for the phone to start back up. Both my DH and I have cells in our room for emergencies. If you would like to suggest we aren't already doing our part, I beg you to tell me what else I can do? The only time the phone has the chance to charge is during the day when she is at school.

If there is one thing about me you could say I am not, it is a parent that skirts my responsibility. Isn't it a parent's job to teach their child some responsibility? She is 13 and her only responsibilities are to do her homework, a simple chore, and work hard in therapy. SHe does not do any caretaking of ANY of her siblings b/c of her history. We have pretty strict rules in our home about and I make sure to follow through.

The other comment on was about recent boy events-

Maybe, just maybe, your underage child shouldn't be spending "alone" time with an older boy...??? Rather than focusing all of the attention and accountability on the young man and his family, maybe you should be an actual mother to your daughter and not allow her to be alone with older children of the opposite sex (especially since you claim they have all been sexually abused repeatedly)...


I couldn't agree with you more on the time alone with a boy. Considering her past and her age, I do not allow it. We have this year began to let her spend the night at her best friend's house. Her mother is a teacher of another of my children. We'd met and we had a very long talk about what we felt was important and safe for my child, in her care. We have an understanding and I fully trust this woman with my child. After some time of regular visits over there, she was invited to spend the night at this same child's father's home. After a conversation with him about my expectations, I was assured everything would be fine there, as well. I extended my trust considering she was not aware of any issues up there.

Your last comment about "my claim they have been sexually abused" is not a claim but a statement of fact. The children not only have the emotional scars but also a jury of 12 agreed it was true and extensive. Because of their history of sexual abuse, we are very careful about who they are with and how they spend their time with friends. This child is 13 and has only spent the night at 2 friends homes, that started this year. This child has had a boyfriend for 3 months (he is a year younger than she is due to spending 2 yrs in K) and all time together is supervised. His parents and I agree strongly about this have had several conversations. None of us feel our children are ready to be making out or making babies.

Now with as many of the details I can think of, if you have any more concerns regarding my parenting please feel free to give me your advice. If you can think of any other ways for me to stay a step ahead of and prevent my very intelligent and some times manipulative child from participating in any dangerous activities, I am all ears. I am a fully engaged parent. I make mistakes, like any parent but I do not make the same mistake twice. I do not feel there is anything more I could have done in either of these situations to protect her any more. The only thing I could have done differently is spent the night with her at her friend's house and slept with the phone under my pillow. A good parent let's their child experience the world a little at time and with great caution for their safety. I am cautious. Her therapist even agreed it was time to let her start getting away from the house supervised and that's what all the parents agreed it was supposed to be.

I had turned off the Anonymous setting for you Mary Anne. Since you still can't figure it out, LOL, I'm putting it back on. I hope that the person leaving these messages will step up and post who you are. I won't publicly name you or post your blog on here, let me read your blog and see what your family is like. If I had to guess, I would say you had a perfectly normal life. Both parents, no DFCS involvement, and you either do not have children or you were lucky enough to have raised children that haven't been traumatized. Prove me wrong.

This and That

She still refuses to tell the whole truth so I called the boyfriend's Dad and asked him to keep his son's phone at night. He went off on him in Spanish after hearing they have been up until all hours chatting away. I probably wouldn't have called him if she had been honest. No need to involve others when you can trust your child to take responsibilities for their actions and their promises to do right the next time, right? She was cheerful this morning and didn't say anything when I suggested she must have had a good nights sleep.

We are getting concerned with Patches. She is still doing better than ever before but little cracks are beginning to show. She smells, bad. She is irritated easily even though it isn't getting violent. She doesn't trust me to be her guide and that says a lot. She was believing me when I explained a situation to her. Now she thinks I am plotting against her, like her teachers have been. Every one is trying to ruin her day or get one over on her. I hate to adjust the meds but it's coming.

Michael is a doll. His teacher even commented on his recent homework efforts. I am so proud of him for it. I did praise him today so we will see if he does it again tonight.

Ruthie slept all weekend. She practically stayed in bed all day both days. Only coming out briefly a few times. No pains or aches to complain about just sleeping and avoiding interaction. Not a good sign. Not one she has had before but one we saw with both Patches and Michael when they began to deteriorate quickly. They became withdrawn and moody. Keep your fingers crossed I am just paranoid and she has a virus.

Nothing new with Emma. Still working hard to find ways to get out of work.

We are considering asking to taper Ava off her meds. She is doing so well and I really think it is time to try. She is gaining weight rapidly after being on it for a couple years. She is feeling pretty bad about her weight and wants to try. She makes an effort every day to play hard and be active. All her pants are too tight and very long. Her shirts are snug around the belly and make it worse. We have been putting her in the next size shirt but the arms are so long.

Ella is still whispering to me all the time. It drives me crazy! I would so much rather her call me a stupid, fat, @itch than be so pitiful. The more I try to encourage her the more she whispers. I am just pretending I don't hear her until she uses a real voice. It's not working, she just pouts and whispers that nobody loves her.

Kiera is biting and hitting the crap out of us. Still not sleeping well. Still cute as a button.

We treated the kids with ice cream for dinner last night since they have been so good lately. They were so excited and Kiera was crazy afterward. She jumped off hte sofa, ran circles in the LR, and screamed Patty Cake over and over while dancing for us.

Lies and More Lies

Apparently, our telephone company has a conspiracy against my child and our family. They claim that someone has been getting up in the middle of the night to make and receive calls over 125 times in the last month. Maybe it's just someone breaking in and calling my child's boyfriend and best friends. My child would never look at me and lie even with evidence in her face. She is so far past all this. She has grown and worked through so many of her issues. She knows she can trust me and that I always value honesty. If they are honest the consequence is always so much less.

Who would lie if you know being honest would benefit you? A teenager. Throw in some attachment issues and you will see a child look you right in the eye and deny the obvious. Some of this is normal teenage crap, some of this is left over from her need to protect herself.

I can't wait until I have 7 teenagers at once. Let the good times roll.

Secrets and Consequences

After 3 and half years, one of my girls was still terrified to tell me something she had done because she fears I might stop loving her or kick her out. Will she ever understand I love her unconditionally? I am disappointed in what she confessed. It only confirms she needs me to buckle down even more than I thought. The abuse she suffered still affects her thinking and she can not trust herself with boys. She is such a good girl. She just wants everyone to like her.

She found herself in a situation that she was showered with attention from an older boy. She knew what was happening was wrong and felt scary but she said she couldn't say anything. She let him pressure her and didn't feel like she had any other option. He wasn't mean or violent and she didn't say no so she must have been equally to blame, in her mind. We have talked openly about situations just like this. Somehow her fear took over and she shut down. She doesn't blame him.

When I "forced" her to go over the details, she skipped giant parts. It was in those parts that I realized what happened. He encouraged her to drink alcohol. He told her she wouldn't get drunk even though she was already feeling "dizzy". He knew she was very young and was dancing in a grinding kinda way with her. She loved the attention and had been feeling like a 3rd heel because her friend had brought 2 friends this trip. All of it added to the situation.

After getting about all I could from her I contacted my BIL to see what, if any charges could be brought up against the boy. Off the top of his head he said at least 4 but he's sure he could come up with more if given more than 30 seconds. Interference with the custody of a child, adding to the delinquency of a minor, endangerment of a child, and child molestation of a child under 14. Pretty serious because of her age. If they had been peers, it wouldn't be so serious.

I managed to get his parents number and was able to talk to her last night. She didn't blame my child once. She sobbed and admitted he had been having a lot of trouble and most of it was over at the house this happened at. Her husband wasn't home but she promised to call me in the next day or 2 to discuss what we wanted to do. She told me a bit about her family and how surprised they have been with his actions lately. He doesn't come from a broken home, he is an excellent student, he is career minded, and they feel he will get a football scholarship to attend college. She wasn't telling me these things to prevent me from pressing charges, she said it because she was completely shocked by how quickly his life had changed.

I received a call a couple hours later from the mother, she was still very upset and having a hard time chocking back tears. She put her son on the phone. He was sobbing. He took complete responsibility. He explained he didn't know what he was doing lately and wished he hadn't been drinking that night. He meant what he said. It was moving. I explained to both him and his mother that we would not be pressing charges but would like to meet up with him next week to discuss an appropriate consequence for his actions. We do not want to destroy his life but want this to make an impact on him.

We plan to ask him to earn the money, not his parents, to pay for a therapeutic group that has both victims of sexual abuse and for teenagers showing inappropriate sexual behaviors about this situation and do at least 100 hours of community service with MADD. In our opinion, it is much better than him spending the next 25 years in prison. We feel he will have the opportunity to learn from this experience. None of us are concerned he is any risk to become a child molester or rapist. He was a kid and made a stupid choice when he was drunk. I am sure he will walk away with a much better understanding of what is acceptable behavior.

I Should Have Known

I was worried when I typed it. One of my girls dissociated when her brother hurt her sister. She came to his defense, when he didn't need it or deserve it and then turned on me. She had to be helped from the room so he didn't hurt her and she ran upstairs threatening to kill herself. She locked the door but opened it when I asked her only to slam it a few more times. She threw a bunk bed ladder and heater. When she yanked a cord out of the wall and tried to whip me with it, I grabbed it and pulled it away. She said it hit her but I'm not sure. She threatened to kill herself, Rosa (who is not here), and me. After a half an hour, I wasn't at the top of my game due to lack of sleep, I yelled back at her the same thing she had been screaming at me. I kinda surprised myself and quickly asked her how it felt to be told that. She threatened to tell her friends on me and I invited her to tell her teacher, friends, therapist, and police if she wanted. I didn't deserve to be treated this way. Her complaint in the end was that I don't like her parents and I don't love her.

It's exhausting constantly trying to prove you are worthy to be their parent, to prove you love them, to make them feel loved when they feel unlovable, and to keep my damn cool on 2 hours of sleep. I wish they would coordinate their outbursts with my sleeping habits.

I Must Confess

I have nothing to blog about. We are that good. It is lasting long enough to make me feel it is real. We all sit at the table and giggle our way through dinner. They do their homework without so much as a huff. Mornings are tough for Emma to get motivated but it's always going to be hard for her b/c she is not a morning person. There is no juicy crap to share with you. Any questions?

Lessons and New Tricks

Kiera recently learned to blow bubbles in her drinks and has now moved onto gargling them. SHe is barely slowed down when she inhales the liquid and is forced to cough it back out. All cups must be guarded to protect them from the child. She doesn't care what is in them and yells for all to watch her.

Today she informed me, "My little turds smell."

When laying with her Dad for a nap, she showed him her feet announcing, "My bebe toes!" Then asked, "You got bebe toes?" He promised her his toes were not baby toes but Daddy toes. She insisted on calling Gorges this morning to find out if she had bebe toes.

She loves Cornnuts. Well, not to eat them but to suck the salt off them and spit them into my coffee. Guess how I discovered this?

Emma is lying about doing her chore lately. I bet she learned her lesson last night when I gave her several chores.

Michael actually sat down with me and learned how to borrow when subtracting. He got a kick out if when I told him the number had to go to their neighbor to borrow a cup of sugar and bring it back. This was the first good experience with homework. E.V.E.R.

My son has been hiding his healthy snacks in the yard and on our carport.

Ella has discovered she can get away with something if she makes me laugh.

Ava has discovered that hounding me about something just makes me procrastinate.

Ruthie now understands what I meant when I told her that cutting your nails too short will hurt.

Manners

They haven't been at the top of my list for along time. We just had too much to look at first and it seemed like a battle that just needed to wait. Most of the girls picked up right away with very little prompting how to hold a fork, what size their bites should be, and what the napkin was for. My son seemed to have most of these down but slipped a bit more. They all still try to talk with food in their mouths but overall things were under control.

We have been working on ordering drinks and paying for themselves at the register. How to figure out if they have enough money. They are learning to cut their own food and then I noticed my son. He is so nasty at the table lately. Huge food globs falling out of his mouth, dripping sauce and drink all over himself, grabbing things with his hands and shoving it in his mouth, and leaning so far over the table that I saw him lick his plate last night. I almost fainted. What the heck is going on with him? He had shoved his fork into his fist and was shoveling food in when I asked him to stop and think about what he was doing. It was almost like he had glazed over and was on auto pilot. He barely slowed down.

I looked over and realized both Ruthie and Patches were doing similar things. Ruthie was correctable but Patches was lost when I asked her to sit up and slow down. Those three are usually covered in food after each meal and can be compared to Kiera, at times. At least the girls were holding the fork right and knew where their napkin was even though neither made any attempt to use it. We will be having a major manners course around here.

It made me wonder if this is another sign we need to monitor for both Patches and Michael. They are both struggling with their hygiene right now, too. We know that is a sign they will lose their grip very soon and their meds need to be adjusted to prevent any major incidents.

A Bit About Each of Them

I haven't been blogging much lately but things are good. Of course, it is always changing. The house still seems quiet and any issues seem to resolve quickly. The stress level is so low it is surprising.

Cyr is pushing her limits when out of our sight and we have decided to keep her close to home for a while. She has struggled to be honest with this latest incident and that worries me. Mostly, it's teenager crap just coming at us a bit younger than most kids start into it. She is still a great kid and easy to be around.

We are seeing a slow change in Patches. Her hygiene is in question and she is having small shutdowns here and longer ones at school. She is still recovering very quickly when she decides to be done. No violence here but some destruction at school. I love seeing her smile at me every day and she will even call my name to show me her random smile.

Ruthie is desperately trying to cling to reality when she is upset. She completely dissociates when she is triggered and can be dangerous to herself and others. She has mistaken kindness from a boy in her grade as love. She sent him a love note and has been having other girls tell him she loves him. She is struggling with the same friend she made up horrible lies about last year. The girl doesn't want to talk to her and we are working on ways to help her handle it so she doesn't hurt her again. I am hoping to avoid involving the school but if she continues to get upset, I will have no choice for the other child's sake.

Michael is lying and sneaking to get out of homework. Nothing new there. He is calm lately and that is new. He gets mad but it's not exploding mad. He still claims I hate him if I correct him, he is sure we are all plotting against him, and he is sure he is the only one that is required to help out around the house. He is such a snuggle bunny when he is not agitated and it almost makes me forget what he is capable of.

Emma is doing well. She loves her new bed. She is very concerned about her teacher leaving on maternity leave soon. She is getting her ears pierced today or I should say we are going to try again to get them pierced. She gets pumped all the way there and freaks out. We are all going for support this time.

Ava spent the night out recently and did very well. Of course, now it should happen every weekend. She is one of my kids that has a ton of somatic symptoms and I was slow to move when she claims her tumnmy was hurting. Turned out she had a bladder infection that moved to her kidney. Whoops! She is finally feeling better but telling me every detail when she goes to the restroom. She cracks me up.

Ella is still whispering when she wants something but working on using her voice to stop being a victim. She loves her new chore and keeps asking when she will have more clothes to help with.

Kiera is starting to let me leave the room without yelling. I can even leave her for therapy to play with the kids and she does really well. This is happening during the day but nights are getting worse. Screaming, hitting, and refusing to sleep is what she's up to. She is sleeping less during the daytime and has the run of the house so I'm confused and hoping it passes quickly. She is cute as a bug and chattering away constantly. She cracks me up.

My DH is expecting many litters of scaly babies. I'm not sure how long it will be but my fingers are crossed they are all born alive and well. We are using the funds from it to buy a house near my sister. I am so excited about seeing her regularly and having support close by.

Kids are still hanging in there. It is so quiet around here lately. Kids are processing their emotions very well. They seem to have a firm grip on reality and understand on their own what is going on.

I was surprised by one of the suggestions of our therapists and have decided to hold off, I'm sure she will just disappear again without causing any more trouble. She has too much to lose if she starts spreading any more lies. She confided too much to me that would damage many around her and her future. I just want the drama gone and she seems perfectly willing to go.

Larger Than Life

My Mom just called and told me her Mother is gravely ill. She is in her late 90s, 96 this year. She has spent the last several years in a nursing home across the country, alone. Her children have asked that they do not got to extreme measures to save her, just make her comfortable. They don't know how long she has but it is clear, she is at the end.

I am so glad my Mom will never die and I will never have to go through what she is, she is indestructible. My Mom will never have to live in a nursing home alone, I will drug her and drag her home with me. I will feed her fattening foods and force her to watch my stories with me every day. Of course, she will wish for death after looking at a life like that but she will never be alone.

My Grandma was a strange bird. She seemed to have these 2 lists, a good one and a bad one. You were guaranteed to be on one. Some of us stayed on one of them our entire lives, never knowing how or why we were there. Others could be switched back and forth with every interaction. She married twice. Her first husband was killed in a car accident when she was pregnant with their first child. Years later, she married my Grandfather, a man I never knew, a man my own Mother lived with and never really knew. She was the step mother to his children and always treated them as just that, step children. They later had 5 children together. She never gave me the impression that love had anything to do with their marriage. She seemed to be bitter about how it turned out and blamed his drinking and late his sobriety for her unhappiness when we talked about their life together.

I always asked lots of questions about her life, it was so interesting. Before she retired and traveled the world, she bought a muscle car. She was so proud of her Road Runner. She spent a lot of time running around South America with the love of her life. He was with the CIA and later married someone else. They always loved each other and still visited as often as they could. I would listen for hours about her life.

Her Mother had died when she was young and she was sent to live with her Grandparents. She was abruptly moved after several years when her Father remarried. She was never loved or accepted by her new severely mentally ill step Mother. She slept on the sofa and never felt welcome in her own home. She was always dressed to perfection with the prettiest dresses and bows. Other children made fun of her for it and it made her feel like an outcast because their families could never afford anything like she wore. I learned so much from how she was raised and how it made her feel. This wasn't her intention but much of the way I treat all the children that I have cared for is because of how she told her story to me. She was bigger than life to me and it broke my heart for her that her mother treated her that way, that she was moved with no consideration for her needs. It damaged her. She wasn't able to facilitate relationships within her own household as an adult. She seemed cold and uncaring at times to her children. She didn't know how to love them or to make them feel loved.

I was on her good list, I was one of the lucky ones. She loved me. I could do no wrong. I loved many of the people on her bad list, my sisters and my cousin among them. The sad thing is that it is the same cousin that she is stuck with now. Now a grown woman with children of her own, she is one of the only relatives near her. She is still mean to this woman, for no reason. My cousin's story of my Grandmother would be very different than mine. She has lived very close to her her entire life. Never treated like anything more than a nuisance. She was compared to me more times than she could count. We were close but it divided us many times as young children. She never understood why I was loved and she wasn't. I watched her struggle to win her love, always failing.

This woman helped make me who I am. She was the first person I told that I had been sexually abused. She let me drive in her lap at 9. She bought me anything I fancied and let me have 2 candy bars before dinner. She served me lime Jello with vegetables in it, calling it salad. I always ate it with a smile even though it was and still is the grossest thing I have ever placed in my mouth. She gave me my love for ice cream and would indulge our need for it any time day or night. She let me cut her hair when I was 12 because I told her I could. She made me feel beautiful and smart. She forgave me for everything I have ever done without question. She had "Kleenex Bunnies" under her bed and would pay me to "catch" them. I legally changed my middle name to Cyr, her maiden name, when I was 18. Two of my daughters took parts of her name when they were adopted, Cyr and Ella took her middle name, Mae. To me, she was the best Grandma in the world. I can only hope I have that kind of impact on another human being in my lifetime.

Kids Are Good

Actually, the kids are great! When someone isn't constantly setting you off, you don't have as many blow ups. They are sad but relieved they are gone.

I got a call from the school yesterday asking if I still had custody of the kids. Wierd, huh? Rosa removed her children from school yesterday morning so I wonder if it is just a coincidence. Probably not. Monday afternoon she called the police on me claiming I threatened to throw her stuff outside and had assaulted her leg. Way off from the truth. I offered to put her stuff on the carport so we didn't have to interact all day. She refused to speak to me and kept acting like I was about to hurt her kids in front of the kids. I shut of the vacuum and pulled the cord to remove it from the room. I asked her to move her foot several time and she insisted on calling the kids to look at how I was hurting her. Later, they talked about how she acted like they do and wanted to know why since she was an adult.

I was very angry at how she was blaming me for all her problems and wasn't nice. SHe blamed my kids for her child's outbursts, claimed I forced her children to take drugs, somehow she has made it in her mind that I made up all their issues, and I threw her out. Her view of what happened is very distorted and sad. It shows how little she cared about me. I will be fine but our relationship will never recover. She said some things to one of the kids that was inappropriate and many do not want to see her again. We all will miss the kids. You know, the ones she claims I have mistreated and abused. I'm glad it's over, my house is calm and whine free. My MIL couldn't believe the difference in the kids. I will never allow another person to stay with us, ever. I'm cured of helping grown kids.

I'm Done, Stick a Fork in Me

She claims I am delusional and make up all the issues her kids have. It's extremely sad that she wants to blame me. It's even sadder that I don't care what she thinks. I know her children were struggling before they came. They struggled while they were here. They improved on many things and I hope they continue to improve. I am sure it was difficult for them being in our home with so many kids but that is not the reason they have a hard time and she knows it. She is now blaming my kids for their behavior. She crossed a line when she began blaming them. They did not attack her children, it was the other way around. Mine have held their tongues and cried many tears about how mean she was to them and about all the things she has stolen from them. We have spent way too much time in therapy trying to help my kids cope with her and her children. I wish her well and goodbye.

Adult Supervision or Not?

If you had many children, some prone to violence, all living together. The ones prone to violence are predictable, they get mad at another child and run to their room to destroy it and later attack their Mom violently and threaten to kill her, if it gets too much to handle all by themselves. You have another child that provokes all the other children because this child is extremely angry at her father and lack of control over her life. This child, every time unsupervised, will do something to another child like stand in front of them and refuse to move so they can see the TV, take their leg braces and refuse to give them back, kick over large dollhouses that younger children are playing behind, or just copy every word they say, including the 2 year old. When the other child gets upset and tells her to stop, she screams as loud as she can IN THEIR FACE to leave her alone. If you know this happens over and over and have warned this child that doing this to certain children, prone to violence against their Mom, might react in a way that really hurts this child and she keeps doing it EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS, is keeping this child supervised by an adult too much to ask? Do you think all the mentally ill children should be in line of sight supervision while the other child is left unattended?

I feel this child is acting dangerous and is trying to get a reaction from the other children and her parents. I fear I won't be able to protect this child from one of my provoked mentally ill children that are known to have impulse control issues. I can just see her blocking the TV (AGAIN!) and my son begging her to move before he hits her with the game controller, knocking her eye out of the socket, and running to his room. She claims her child is not hitting them so it will be his fault if he hits her. Will that really matter if she is blind in one eye? Will it stop her from provoking children? This child does hit my children, almost every day she hurts them physically. She stomps on their feet, refuses to move so they can get out or enter a room (a whole other issue for a few of my children that have been locked in spaces for days) and will even lean into them so they can't pass and them screams they have hurt her when they push through shoving them, or even when she gets mad and out right hits them. Most of my kids aren't regular hitters anymore. My son may smack you once but he doesn't stick around, he runs to his room. I have been warned that if my children hurt her, even if she provokes them like she is known to do, I can be charged with Child Endangerment and my mentally ill child will be locked away in a hospital. All because I knew they were a possible danger to others. It is even possible for DFCS to remove custody of her child from her temporarily, if she fails to protect her from a known danger. To me it's like telling your child, "Don't get hit by a car." and then telling them they have to play in the street. She can not handle being alone with other children, it is a fact. She is not in therapy to deal with her emotions. We know she will do this again within minutes of being alone with one of my children. Scary enough to keep the provoking child with an adult? Seems like a simple answer to me.

Her mother, however, feels I am over reacting. Feels I always over react. Says I think every one has issues. Claims that I forced her child into a hospital 2 months ago and she didn't need it. (Child jumped out a 2 story window and hurt her back. She told her mother and I that when we went to sleep, she was leaving again and refused to stay in the house at 7 yrs old. She was asked repeatedly to commit to stay in the house before the therapist made the decision she had to go to the hospital or we would be endangering her life.) She also wants my children supervised at all times instead of her child because mine are sick and have to be held sometimes. (Hers does, too, but never mind that.) It doesn't matter that my children do not annoy every other child in the house, steal from them, and hurt them. She said her daughter is just a little girl and shouldn't have to watched like that. If any of her reasons were valid, I'd agree. They are not.

I am the first to tell you, some of my children have intense issues, this doesn't make them bad. It also doesn't reflect my parenting. I fear she worries that if she admits her daughter is acting dangerous and needs to be supervised (like I did while she was away for months and abruptly stopped when she took back over parenting her children daily) that says she is a bad mom. I don't think she is bad. I think she is clueless about the big picture. She parents in the right this very moment. She can't see what her actions are doing to them. She doesn't want to say no and I am confident that she didn't until she came here. She feels that because I make my kids do things for themselves, I am lazy. I think it teaches them to do for themselves. She irons their clothes and lets them sleep in her bed (forcing her to sleep on the floor or on the sofa because there isn't room for her) instead of telling them to sleep in their bed and making them mad. She thinks this makes her a good mom because they aren't tantruming that moment and they look nice. Her parenting style is superficial. If they look good, she is a good parent. Don't look inside the house because they are peeing on everything at 4 and almost 7, refusing to eat any fruits or vegetables, having fits in the morning, crying when a drop of water spills on them (literally), and watching TV for hours on end but only when she is around. When she isn't here, they eat what I ask without a fuss, keep dry most of the time, and pretend play most of the day. Her FIL even said the kids are great for him. It is her. I know this would be hard to accept if it was me. Before she came her, her kids were impossible to bring to a public place, she couldn't get them up and ready for school, she couldn't get them to use the restroom without her direct supervision, and they were out of control. It is because of our structure and pressure that they changed. She thinks it is her.

I had to put my foot down, her child has to be around an adult (myself, my DH, or her) during waking hours until she is in therapy and can express her emotions without torturing my children or she needs to find another place to live. I do not think I am being too tough. I have done a lot for her in the 16 months and in the many years I have known her. I have to put the safety of ALL the children ahead of her feelings. I love her and her children. I do not think this is too much to ask since I was doing the same thing for quite some time with little effort. The child was much happier and was able to play with other children without getting in trouble. I feel it is the only option. She felt I was singling out her child and took all 3 and left, never said a word. She called her FIL and he called us. Based on her past choices, I assume she will leave and not call us for many years. It will hurt terribly but it is her choice. I am happy to continue to watch her children for free so she can work. I don't care if she speaks to me or not. I do not wish her harm, I love her, she is my child.

Patterns of Behavior

Michael is in a funk lately. He blames me for all his problems, of course. He wants a new family. He wants to only do his homework with his teachers. I'm mean because I ask him to shower or brush his teeth. While he was in a huge tantrum last night, Ruthie began to scratch her skin off her ankle. She dug in over and over until he was done. I had hoped we had passed by most of these self mutilation issues but it looks like they just change their presentation. I am relieved she is no longer choking herself and pulling out her hair but cutting herself with her nail isn't what I had in mind for a good time. The sad thing is this isn't for attention, she doesn't want to do it, and she very upset afterward. She is so traumatized by him that she can't calm herself. She said she worries I will beat him. I will admit, I have fantasized about a good butt spanking but I do not do it. I have never attacked him. I am always the person injured, if there is one. She has been here much longer than she ever lived with her parents. You would think that the longer they are here, the more stable they become. The safer they feel. This isn't happening with her. We have waves of pure craziness. Sometimes months she is out of control and then she is back to sweet, loving self. Michael and Patches, too. I'm starting to see some patterns emerge.

What Kind of Mom Are You?

I know a mother that runs to her children's rescue to the point it is unhealthy. You may know the type as a Helicopter Mom from Love and Logic. She has younger grade school children, intelligent and fully capable of doing a few things for themselves. She insists on "saving" them constantly. They will whine or cry to get her to run to fix things for them. Anything from a spilling a drop of water to sitting through every step of their homework instead of having them ask for assistance when they need it.

Most of you agree, our job as a parent is to teach our children to be independent. Teach them how to do for themselves but help if THEY need it. Some parents get confused and keep their children dependent on them by doing everything for them. They need to be needed by their children. They can't let their children make a mistake or screw anything up. Perhaps they worry this will make people think they are a poor parent. I know this person thinks it is what makes her a good one. I see her cringe when I don't follow my children around and fix all they do.

I let my children feel the consequences of their actions or lack of. I am always available to help but I rarely step in unless they ask for it. So what if they lose 5 minutes of their recess for not bringing their homework back. If they whine, it's an automatic "No". They may refuse to wear a hat and gloves outside, they are chilly today but I bet they grab them tomorrow. I feel my children can wait at the bus stop, it is at my driveway, for 5-10 minutes without dying. This person puts them in her vehicle and waits with them. It seems like overkill. We live in the south, it's not like they are out in subzero temps. Only a handful of days a year it's below 40 and it's safe because it's in their yard.

Give me your thoughts on how you prepare your children for independence. What drives you crazy about other moms? Are you a fixer, too? How do you think this type of parent helps or hurts their children? How old is too old to sleep with you when it isn't because you believe in the benefits of co-sleeping, you just do it so you don't have to hear them whine? When should they try to pick out their own clothes (approved by Mom), brush their own hair (touched up by Mom), and get their own homework out (assisted by Mom, if needed)? What can your 7 and 8 year olds do for themselves? What should we expect from children that have lived with their parents all their lives?

A Few Things Have Happened

One by one all the computers failed us this week. We had snow and the entire county shut down leaving all the kids home to drive me insane. Our propane ran out Friday night and I refuse to pay extra so we didn't have hot water or heat until Monday morning. Dado had to be put down and my DH is devastated.

The real kicker though, is that Kiera has become a violent biter. She is not mad when she does it. She is happy or excited and can't contain it so she attacks the nearest person. She had been hitting before she turned to into The Biting Beast. Yesterday, she was showering with Emma and took a chunk out of her tummy. It bled and the poor child screamed. She couldn't get her to let go and the whole area is black and blue, swollen, and scabbed up today. She can't even let her shirt touch her. This morning in a fit of excitement, she stabbed me in the head with a ballpoint pen. It scraped the skin and it hurts many hours later. She is so sweet after she attacks, she feels terrible. We get lots of kisses and sorrys but we are terrified of who may be next. It's hilarious, we all cringe when she giggles near us. You should see the room scatter.

The Twins Are 8!

Yesterday we celebrated their birthday. They are so good about agreeing on dinner and dessert. This time we had Pizza Lasagna and Tres Leche. It was amazingly good. There was only a small damper on the celebration that was felt by all. One child decided to teach me a lesson and not join us for dinner or cake. It's been a while since that behavior has shown it's ugly head. The only person they are hurting is themselves.

The tension in the house is heavy. Many of the children including Rosa's have mentioned it. Alyssa refused to ask me to give her more food and instead went to the basement to get her mother to come up and give it to her. I asked why and she said her mother was mad at me so she thought she should be. I explained that her mother can be mad at me and I can be mad at her but that doesn't mean I'm mad at the kids. Apparantly, they were made to feel I was ignoring them because I am not interfering with her parenting. I'm not picking up the slack, not saying she is slack but I just parent any kid in the room and I'm backing off. She said she doesn't feel like a part of our family and I can't do anything more to make her feel like she is. I already take too much away from my other children to make her feel connected. I will no`longer do that. This relationship has to be 2 sided, I refuse to give and give and give to an adult that is stuck in a take everything you can childish mode.

I have been asked numerous times to consider how this was affecting my other children by family and professionals. It has been very dificult both financially and emotionally. I have felt an obligaiton to help her and would do it again. The therapists have suggested that we need a time frame. I had one in my mind, when she could do it on her own. Now that she is looking for apartments, I guess it will be before that. I wish her well but I assume she will be stubborn and cut us out of her life again. This is a constant risk when your children are attachment disordered. They can up and leave without a second glance back while you sit there with your heart in your hands. It was worth it this time. She accomplished a certificate from the police academy. It will give her a way to support herself and her children. That is all a parent can do.

Ella's Message

"You remember the teacher at school?"

"There are lots of teachers, Ella. Which one?"

"The one that you know. Here's your message to her. Hello"

I am taking a giant leap and waving back at you Sage Eyes. LOL

Gimme a Freaking Break!

Apparently, I am not only horribly mean and have forced my child into slavery by insisting that she finish her chore nightly but I love some kids more than others. I expect this from a teenager but am incredibly disappointed in an older child that helped fester that insecurity. I am more than willing to admit that would be a difficult subject to begin with your mother but I am not your average mother. Each time ALL of my children have come to me with issues about me, I listen. It hurts my feelings but I do sincerely try to work on it. When you have 2 kids whispering back and forth about you instead of coming to you, how do you defend yourself?

I am equally mean to all of my children. I have always worried about treating them fairly. I mean come on, when one child screams at you, tells you you aren't good enough, physically attacks you, threatens to have you jailed, or abuses your other children, it is tough to look past those behaviors. I DO! I do it every day. Most of us would want the company of a child that loves you and is playful with you, one that you know you are safe with. It doesn't mean I love them more, longer maybe but not more. I love each of my children, not the same way but the same amount. I like them differently but that is due to the way I am treated by that child.

Part of the jealously was about Kiera. A baby. I spend too much time with her. I love her more. Bullshit. All except one of my children struggle with attaching, relationships, and overcoming severe trauma in their younger years. She is no different. We have a chance to make it better for her. She doesn't have to suffer as severely as they have. For this effort, I am being called to the table. WTF?

The other child is Emma. Emma is a fully attached, well adjusted child. She is the single laziest person on Earth. She is lazy with humor and has been since a young toddler. The worst thing she does is try to get out of her chore. No fits, stealing, excessive lying, sabotaging, or triangulating. I receive love from her. This makes her easier to be around, not love more. She gets her share of consequences but her infractions are minor. They could never compete with the crap the others pull. Never. So that means I treat her better and love her more? On Christmas Eve as we were putting out presents, I stopped to look at everything and realized that Emma had been shorted. Not just short a present but several. I was so worried that the others would feel like someone got too much, I shorted her. That happens a lot. I know she knows deep down that she is loved and adored, they still measure my actions daily to see if I really. She can handle a tiny let down but it becomes a huge thing for the others. She lost her us when they came. They absorb most of my attention. If any child in the house deserves more, it would be her. Yet she gets less and is treated like the enemy because she has the ability to love with her whole heart.

I can only do so much for one child to prove I am committed to her. I take care of her children, took in her entire family when we can barely make it ourselves, I put up with endless scream sessions and tantrums from her children, I have taken them to appointments and found a great therapist for them, I have helped her retrain her children and deal with their issues so she will be able to survive the rest of their childhood, I look past all the stupid things she has done in her past and recently without holding it against her, and I was her personal cheerleader when she didn't think she could finish school. I am exhausted from helping. It is never enough.

The funny thing is that I would do it all over again. I wouldn't stop helping one, adding additional security measures to keep another with us, or stop trying to find help with the right meds combo to help the others adjust. I love them all. They all have so much potential and without our family the ability to reach that potential fades away. I knew it would take a long time for them to feel like a part of something bigger than themselves. I had no idea there was a real possibility that it would never happen. I didn't know they could ignore so much on focus on tiny moments.

This year is going to be for me. I'm planning a cool trip to FL with some other moms in March. I don't care if we eat PB and Js all month, I'm going. I don't care who watches them and who ends up in the hospital, I'm not going to be drug back here until it's over. The best part is that I think my sister, Kiki, will be going with me. She is calming all on her own. She is a mini vacation in a phone call. She will make the trip for me.

Breaking the Cycle

One of my girls tried to play a tickling game with a younger sister. The younger one had another step in to stop the game because it is a huge NO-NO here. The child refused to stop "playing" and got rougher. The child that stepped in came running to get me. She just didn't think it was right.

I yelled up the stairs for the older child to help me in the kitchen. She refused. I knew immediately it hadn't been innocent. I skipped stairs to get to her. She was curled up under the desk in her room, crying. I spoke softly and assured her I wasn't mad. She wouldn't speak and I told her what I thought happened. I was sure she had started playing and began to have tingling feelings that got out of control. I explained I wasn't mad or disappointed with her. I was mad at someone else and we could talk about it later.

About 30 minutes later she joined me int he kitchen. She asked who I was mad at. I told her it was her parents. Without them, she could play and not worry about being aroused. It's not her fault. I also told her how great she handled it because other children, including her, have continued that behavior and touched another child inappropriately. I am proud that she thought twice. She should be, too. She will not be like her parents. She has already broken the cycle.

For Anonymous

What kind of cheese is not your cheese?
Nacho Cheese

What month has 28 days?
All of them

What does a cat have that no other cat has?
Kittens

What is the greatest worldwide use of cowhide?
To cover cows

What can honk without a horn?
A goose

What is as big as an elephant, but weighs nothing at all?
AN elephant shadow

I'm Being Held Hostage

One of my children has figured out how to stop me from having any fun. Let me clarify that my idea of fun is not nearly as entertaining as you might think. I'm talking about trips to the grocery store or pharmacy, mostly. Jealous? This child goes nuts when I leave. She waits until I'm good and gone and then loses her crap on the person in charge, usually Rosa. Yesterday while I was at Sam's, she got things moving with a few good old fashioned threats. "I'm gonna stab you, pull your hair, and break your glasses." She did 2 of the 3. Rosa ended up with a black eye and this child a bloody nose from hitting it on the TV stand when she was flipping out. Poor Rosa felt responsible for the blood loss even though it was clearly not her fault. My children are rarely upset or scared by tantrums but are terrified when they occur without my presence. It says nothing about the other adults actions or skills. They need me to feel safe.

The crazy things our kids shout out while raging are the usual stuff you hear. "I hate you" "You stole me from my real mom" "I only love my real mom" "You hate me" "you love everyone but me" etc. This child screams the same things at Rosa. Clearly Rosa had nothing to do with their adoption or removal from their parents. She has never met them. This child loses her crap, freaks out, and throws around some allegations. I'm wondering if this is her inability to get past her abandonment, her belief that the world is out to get her and that everyone worked hard to take her away from her parents, or what.

I was called to return before the shopping was complete. I had to wait for my DH to provide back up so I could get groceries. I'm sure you are thinking the easy fix to this is to send one of the other adults to shop for groceries. There are 2 main reasons that is not going to happen. First, they are not nearly as frugal as I am and spend more than I would. Our budget is tight and I can do it without a problem but add in a man and we starve. Second, it is my only form of a break. I NEED this outing.

Here is my dilemma. If I stay home, she wins and I lose. If I take her with me, she wins and I lose. When I leave her with another adult, they are attacked and injured and my other children are terrified. She is getting more and more out of control and is unable to be logical. She doesn't care about consequences. She lives in the right this very minute. I need suggestions. I'm so angry that I can't think clearly. At least with my son, he is so small that he can be contained. This child is bigger and does damage to herself, property, and others.

I want to mention that Patches had the prefect opportunity to pitch a big fit today about her new clothes. She was asked to put them all on hangers and pick up her room. She laid on the floor, weighed her options, and got up and put everything away! I made sure to point out how awesome she is.

I started watching The Soloist last night. I got too tired and fell asleep in the middle. That had nothing to do with how good the movie was. It was great. I was amazed at how much his speech reminded me of my 3. There were differences, he was highly intelligent and mine are not. He understood things they can't fathom so he tended to change subjects a little faster. My kids sound like that but they stammer on the same thing becoming lost in the topic. When they tell me a story about anything, they can't get it out. You have to commit to a long conversation for a tiny bit of information. They run around the words and get off on tangents. You have to bring them back to the original thought or topic several times. It is the thought disorder part of their illness. They can't follow along or lead you in a direct path. They have speech issues which add to the problem. It is exhausting for all involved.

A Secret

I need to whisper this so the kids don't hear. They have been sleeping in lately. Sometimes they will sleep until 10 AM. Eddie and Ava had to be forced to get up at 11 AM yesterday. It is so nice. I'm sure it will never happen again because I told you.