It's Not Christmas Until...

Patches starts screaming that she'll never have kids, she'll never come back here for holidays, I'm not her real mom, and she wants to go live with her real parents. I almost forgot, peeing all over my damn house and streaking. The girl really struggles this time of year. I feel so bad for her but at the same time, I am sick of being the brunt of her meanness. This happens every year, I knew it was coming still not prepared for how badly it would hurt this time. This is our 3rd Christmas together and I guess somewhere down deep I hoped it would be better. It's worse than ever. She is hateful in a good moment. I woke this morning to step in her pee that she left for me right outside my door. It is better than the bloody pad from the week before but still not how I wish my mornings would start. I hollered at her and said, "Keep trying, girl, nothing you can do will stop me from loving you and being your Mom." It wasn't nearly as loving and supportive as it should have been but it was the truth.

We went last night to a holiday event last night. The kids sat on Santa and we all held our breath as Cyr took Kiera up to him. She didn't cry but I missed it b/c Patches, Michael, Ava, and Ella decided they wanted to go and eat without us. I turned around and they were gone. I had to run to the other side of the building to find them. I missed the whole thing. Kiera was excited to sit on his lap b/c she wanted the stuffed puppy he held out to her. She is a sucker for animals and loves to say their sounds. Her best one is a bear, she growls. She even makes the face. I've got to get it on tape.

The event was sponsored by a church and we were signed up by the school. They will be sponsoring 7 of our children for Christmas. I think they give each child an outfit and 2 small toys. Very sweet of them and I appreciate the help with the holiday. We will be keeping things extremely small this year due to emotions.

The kids will be making their candy this year and I need your address Kerry. I know I have it somewhere but please send it to me. You can expect your own box of chocolates this year!

Fits of Rage

Kiera is showing us more and more of her true self. This week she has begun attacking my face with her fists when she doesn't get what she wants. My first response was to hold in my laugh b/c it doesn't hurt but she is really angry. So far I am the only one she has attacked and she has done it about 30 times. Her fits are lasting for hours, I set her down when she hits me and then try to pick her up when she stops hitting my legs. She then begins hitting my face again and we go round and round for hours. I walk away and continue doing things while she screams on the top of her lungs. Sometimes she does the push/pull thing on my clothes, she is not happy in my lap or on the floor. She is so confused. I am holding her nearly constantly in a Hip Hammock and she loves it for the most part. She seems to like playing with the kids but she goes crazy when I have to give her medicine or breathing treatments. My DH has begun to take out the guitar and play for her while she has her mask on. She LOVES the guitar! She has also figured out how to make herself throw up her medicine, she aims it at me. She is a tough one.

Ruthie threw a lovely fit for Rosa this morning and I had to come down and physically remove her from her. At least she is considering Rosa as family. LOL

Michael had a beating the window crazy fit last night. He didn't want to help us get Kiera to sit for her breathing treatment and just went off.

The kids had a visit from their favorite Aunt M and Uncle F yesterday. They brought his 2 teenage children and the kids were thrilled. They haven't seen his daughter in many years so it was a special treat. Cyr actually cried when they left. I had to take a double take to be sure it was tears since she doesn't cry. We talked afterward and she was genuine about her feelings. I was so proud of her.

Patches is sleeping all the time. I am thinking she is going to have to lower her dose of Geodon. I miss her.

Top from left to right-Me, Nikki (Em's Mom), Jessica (Kiera's Mom), Patches, Cyr, Rosa, Michael

Middle-Ava, Kaylee (Em's sister), Alyssa (Rosa's oldest), Emma, Gracie (Em's sister)

Bottom- Michael, Eddie (Rosa's son), Kiera (trying to get away from the death grip), Ella (the one with the death grip), Gia (Rosa's youngest)


Top-Patches, Me, Kiera, Gia, Rosa, Cyr

Bottom- Michael Ella, Ava (kinda in back of Ella), Alyssa, Emma, and Eddie

Murderous Intentions

I have managed to get another chest cold and share it with the baby. This is not good for a small child with asthma. At least the meds help her sleep a little more than usual but still no where near the amount she needs.

The kids head back to school today and I am grateful for the break. The boys are near killing each other. They argue constantly and I swear at some point only one will emerge safe and sound. We are doing our best to help them cope but nothing is working. Both insist on continuing their annoying behaviors and refuse to allow the other to make a mistake without jumping down their throat.

Ava stole her class' boys' bathroom pass. Not sure why. She claims it seemed like it would be fun. I sent a note to her teacher returning it to her and requested a consequence. I really don't think she will give her one. I usually don't give consequences for poor behavior at school, I let the school deal with that. I decided to make an exception for theft in this case. I am waiting to see what she decides before I add something to it.

Cyr has tried to hurt Rosa several times. She is very innocent looking and is completely shocked when asked about it. The same things she did to me making me wonder if I was imagining it. She is very jealous and angry but shows nothing. Her passive aggressive behaviors are quite scary. She was told repeatedly to not push when she and Rosa were carrying a huge piece of lead on the job with my DH. She was told it could be life threatening. She pushed and pushed and then pushed harder. She actually tried to kill her by slicing her in half. Rosa just moved faster and eventually confronted her on it. It just shows me Cyr hasn't really changed at all. She is so good at hiding the real her. I am disappointed and discouraged. She is so dangerous.

Patches called 911 on Alyssa. Alyssa yelled at her so Patches wanted her to see what happened when you mess with her. She actually thought she would be arrested. Isn't that nice? Patches also feels that she has to separate and take any children having fun without her. If she sees the baby playing with a child, she will go over and pick her up and walk away to play with her. If Alyssa and Emma are palying and having fun, she will go ask Alyssa if she wants to do something more fun with her. She has to have the attention. It is being addressed and she is not too happy to be caught.

Still waiting on pictures from my MIL...

I Feel Naked

Happy belated Thanksgiving to everyone. We had tons of food at my MIL's. My kids ate very well but Em's sisters and Mother are extremely picky eaters. They ate turkey and potatoes. Not a very good example but it was funny to hear my kids question them over and over about why they didn't eat anything.

Kiera's Mother came and the baby kept looking for me while she held her. I was sure she wouldn't go but pleasantly surprised when she did. You could tell she enjoyed being held but she kept trying to find me. I stayed out of her eye sight for most of the evening so she could enjoy her. I was reminded how uncomfortable it was with Nikki in the beginning. I feel I have to entertain and be the best hostess. It is physically draining. Emma's sister asked her if she was ever going to get the baby back as they were leaving. I thought I would die right there. Her Mother was already in tears saying goodbye.

My awesome MIL decided to keep a bunch of the kids for 2 days. Patches, Michael, Emma, Alyssa, and Ella. I feel so naked without them here. The boys really needed time apart so Eddie stayed with us. Ruthie and Ava have chores from their poor choices. Gia and Kiera are too young.

My sister, Kiki, her DH, and her 3 kids are coming to meet the baby today. I am so out of whack w/o a ton of kids so I asked her to leave a couple of them. I promised to bring them home myself Saturday.

I will post pictures as soon as my MIL sends me some. Hint hint, Ann.

DFCS is Still Comin Out

We have had her for over 2 week and now they are doing a home visit. We were granted LG over a week ago but now they call. I have sent in all the paperwork and have been cooperative by even double checking that they received it. They just truned it over to our county and she will be out next Tuesday at 9:30 AM. Woo Hoo! At least the kids won't be here to see another CW in and out of their house. I am sure it is just to be sure she is here and that she is safe b/c her mother has run from the county before. Still it seems a bit late inthe game.

Taking Deep Breaths

Thanks so much for all your support. I know everything you say is true but I still feel like I should have known better. I don't have the luxury of acting with emotion or slipping, they need me to be strong and always do the right thing. I am just so darn tired and out of ideas. I am sick of being assaulted and having my other kids watch as their mother is attacked. Emma has been really freaking out lately when it happens and that does make me more anxious. I know I will be a better parent for having lost it. I know my limit now and will be extra careful to let things roll off me again.

We are going to my MIL for Linner on Thursday. That is the meal between Lunch and Dinner according to her. She makes the best dressing ever. I grew up on stuffing and was so impressed by her dressing that first Christmas that I believe it was the final straw and I married him for that wonderful dressing he promised twice a year for the rest of our lives. I didn't taste her white gravy and fried chicken until after the vows but it is was keeps me around when he really makes me mad.

Anyone ever postpone Christmas? Rosa and I were thinking if we postponed it for 2 days we could do all our shopping the day after the real holiday and not tell the kids so we could save a ton of money. We haven't figured out how to do that but it sure would be fun tricking them.

Cyr is helping my DH at work and and is earning money or a cell phone. She is exhausted and ready for bed every night.

Patches couldn't take her medicine for a few days while she had a virus. The voices returned.

You know Ruthie is a basket case right now. She did manage to do some of the chores I gave her but at a snail pace. Rosa is catching on, she told her not to clean the bathroom and to sit in the fetal position all day. You guessed it, it was clean in minutes.

Michael's frustration is building with Eddie. Eddie has an abrasive personality plus his own issues. Michael enjoyed being the only boy way more than he thought. We are having to separate their activities so Michael doesn't kill the kid.

Emma is whiny and obsessed about everything. The meds are helping but now that it was pointed out, I see it all the time. Her mother will be joining us for the holiday and I am so excited for her. She will be bringing Kiera's mother and I am nervous about that.

Ella is still pitiful. She is taking my comments better and making a tiny bit of effort.

Ava has not been caught stealing. I ended her consequences for my sake. I couldn't keep up and they were draining me way more than they were her. I told her it wasn't over but we were going to have to rethink it after the holiday. I am thinking she will have to give her cousins one of her gifts for stealing their things.

Kiera had her 12 month check up today at 13.5 months. She got 4 shots and screamed the entire time we were in the office. The nurse looked at me with a straight face ans asked if she knew what was going to happen. I swear it was almost if she did. The minute we stepped outside, she stopped. She is small for her age and they suggested she wean from the bottle. I assured them I wasn't going to do that b/c it was so important for her bonding, she just shrugged. She did tell me the screaming at night could be nightmares but took away any hope of helping me cope with them. Her lungs sounded great and she is down to 1 breathing treatment a day.

The Worst Day Ever

I have had the worst day I have ever had parenting. I feel like the worst mom ever. Ruthie hit, kicked, pinched, and scratched me more than 100 times before I lost it. She did manage to make those last all day and weren't in the first, second or even the third fit she had. At one point she came at me looking like a crazed maniac with her hands out to assault me again, I smacked her in the chaos. It wasn't hard, no mark was seen then or now but I immediately felt terrible. I have never hit any of my children. I knew I was too mad to help her anymore and I screamed at her and ran in the house. She knew I was over the edge and waited for me to come back to get her instead of slamming herself into the glass door like she had been. I am so ashamed. I should have been in more control. She goes to this place that is so hard to describe, she becomes murderous. She has no memory of the event. She knows that something happened b/c she is in trouble but the exact things are unclear to her.

Kerry and Lisa, I can't believe you two for completely different reasons. I will respond, I swear!!!!!

Kath, I got your second comment and I will say that I am glad you are gathering evidence. Do what you have to and worry about her feelings later.

I have no time or energy. I am not complaining, at all. I forgot how much a little booger takes out of you. She is either attached to me in her Hip Hammock or she is laying on my head sleeping. There doesn't seem to be an in between. She is desperate for me constantly. Nights are getting worse, not better. She wakes up MANY times a night to be sure I am still there. It is so sad. It is becoming more and more obvious how badly she was neglected and the ways she was treated by her responses to things. As I lay awake at night with her laying across my head or neck, I fantasize about confronting her mother about what I can see so clearly. I am mad.

Another Thief

Why is it that kids don't get the memo that they are all supposed to learn from the same technique? Why do they force us to try so many different things before they learn from us?

I have been trying every thing in my little black book with Ava with no change in her behavior. Something must have worked today b/c she became a new child. She acted like she wants to be a part of our family, she was thoughtful, and she did extra chores without me asking one time. I have been making up things to praise her about b/c she is so determined to look, smell, and act like trash. I even complimented her on putting her shoes on the right feet b/c there was nothing else to say that was nice. I am trying to take her focus off being the baby here and talking about qualities that she has that are so wonderful like her milky white skin (looks like a milkshake and I beg her to let me lick her hand), her thoughtfulness (she always writes me notes even though they are stabbed), and how smart she is (she is freakishly smart). It seems to have worked for at least a day and I will take that.

Ruthie stole from the AT's office today and then screamed at em for 30 minutes about how I was mean for calling her out. I never raised my voice or was rude in any way. SHe was able to let it out without disassociating. Of course, in the end she acknowledged she did steal it and she lied. She was able to come up with 3 different stories and called me a liar every time I showed her how they weren't possible. I wish she was smarter so she could be more creative and get away with something once in a while.

Enough About the Baby

Ava is going to be the death of me. She is stealing and lying so much more and I wish I could blame the baby and the changes that come from her but it's not. This has been escalating for months and I am finally at the end of my rope. The AT is unable to help me find new and interesting ways to help her get a grip. I sat down and had a long talk with her. It is amazing how my children will tell me the shocking truth when I am calm and act like it won't bother me. She confessed she doesn't love me or anyone except her Nanny (maternal Gma). She feels like I am just another woman here to take care of her. She feels nothing. She also loves to steal b/c it feels fun. She likes that everyone pays attention and makes a fuss. She was very matter of fact when explaining all this to me.

She is extremely upset about the baby. She thinks the baby stole her name b/c they both were given the name Jade as a middle name by their Mothers. She admitted she wants the baby to leave. She promised she wouldn't hurt the baby but I know she must be watched at all times. I think she is more prone to hurt me than the baby. I hope I am right.

Patches is quite the crazy child lately. I love to watch her be silly b/c this is new for her.

Cyr has been too helpful. She is hugging me w/o me threatening to grab a hold and not let go. It makes me sad that I still question her motives so much. I hope someday that will pass.

Michael is such a cutie. He is trying to communicate with me about his anger and feelings about sharing everything with Eddie. He is doing a great job expressing himself even if it is after he blows up.

Ella and Emma love the baby. Ella wants to hold her but it is hard with her tight leg muscles. She needs to work on being the older child and not letting the baby beat her in the face. Emma thinks she should be able to carry her even though they are about the same size. She is doing good on her Prozac but I am sure we will be increasing it soon.

Ruthie still just doesn't understand a thing. She can not grasp simple ideas like when holding a baby don't just let go and stand up. She has done this twice and dropped the baby. Good thing she wasn't hurt. I am positive it was an accident both times b/c she couldn't hurt a flea.

Since I haven't said it in the entire post.....I love having a baby around!

Introducing Kiera

Bare with me, I am trying to adjust to everything and blogging seems to be one thing that is neglected. I feel like my life has just sped off without me. I am exhausted but so excited that I don't mind the lack of sleep.

My DH and I went today to file the LG paperwork. It took much longer than we expected to just get the receipt and while we were waiting my DH ran his mouth about this baby to every one that would listen. One old man was holding a trash can and listening to him go on and on. I figured he was the janitor but it turned out to be the Judge and he told us to hang on and he would process it immediately. We walked out of the courthouse today the LG of Kiera Jade (They called her Jade but we are going with Kiera. It sounds less likely to be her stage name. LOL). They mentioned after we were done that to dissolve the LG, both parents had to petition the courts to drop it and they had to prove they were fit parents. Then when I called the CW to tell her she called me the new Mommy. She told me she will be sending a note to the courts that the mother has an open case with them and she will need to work a plan to get her back. The mother has been very clear that she will not do that ever again. The father refuses to believe she is his b/c he was in jail. He also said he would do whatever it took to be sure she didn't get to ruin another little girl's life. He is willing to sign over his rights today. There is little or no chance of Kiera going anywhere, her sister was already abandoned by their mother and she is now facing a felony child abandonment charge for it.

All the other kids seem to be fine with her here. They are really sweet to her and want to help way too much. Ava is very jealous and I worry about her hurting the baby in the future so she is closely monitored. Cyr and Patches are taking turns chasing her away from the stairs.

Kiera is showing some obvious attachment related issues. She is not making eye contact. Affection is on her own terms. She didn't cry but now cries all the time for attention. She is completely freaked out when I leave the room and is inconsolable. She will go to a complete stranger. She fights me when I try to feed her her bottle in my lap. She tries to drink it walking around and just lets it hang from her mouth. Needless to say, I will be wearing her for months as soon as I can find the darn sling I bought as a gift for my friend Eve but never gave her.

Lisa, the invitation link won't work.

Everyone that has emailed me, please be patient. I promise to get to them. There have been so many that I can't even read them all. Thanks for your support.

I am dying to catch up on all the blogs I usually read daily. I have no idea what is going on with anyone.

P. S. Tomorrow is our first anniversary of our adoption of the kids. I am sure they have forgotten and I am not sure I should tell them until it's almost over.

I am so busy right now that I am neglecting this blog. I will get myself organized and back on track. I have tons to share about the kids but right now I only have a few minutes before the new little beast realizes I am not holding her.

Both parents decided they needed to sign over Legal Guardianship to us. DFCS told the mother she would have to go through drug court for 18 months before they would consider her to be fit to raise her child. She instantly gave up and agreed to LG. We had to ask Em's Mom to hunt down the father on the BC and he agreed to do it.

I am exhausted beyond belief. She was going to everyone that held out hands until yesterday when she realized I have the bottles and must be the woman in charge. Now she MUST be touching me even when she sleeps. She cries if she can't see me and when anyone else tries to touch her. If I try to snuggle with her, she wants nothing to do with it. I have to be available on her terms. She doesn't like to be held when she is fed and is having a hard time laying in my arms. She has this desperate thing about her that is very obvious yet you can't put your finger on what it is.

She warmed up last night after dinner and played with Emma for about 30 minutes. Em, my DH, and myself were on the floor with all the other kids on the sofas or in the showers and she got really silly. She would hug me hard and lay her head on my chest and then run for Em and tackle her by pulling her hair and shirt to the ground. She threw herself on her chest and kinda snarled at her and then ran back to me to hug. She had us all laughing so hard and she was having a ball. She was crazy! I guess the breathing treatment wound her up quite a bit.

So far no serious issues with her health but I am taking her tomorrow to our pediatrician to get her records transferred and see what I need to be doing.

Exhausted

I can't find my camera and our cell phones are too hard to see that there is even a person in the picture. She is the cutest little thing. She is very sick, she coughs and snots constantly. She has breathing treatments every 4 hours and 3 other meds in the morning that we get to force down. She NEVER cries and that worries me. She called me Mama and my DH daddy immediately. She is very clingy and insists on being held only on her terms. She won't drink a bottle if we are holding her, she slides off to walk around with it. I am worried. Don't get me wrong, she is sweet as can be but it is obvious she has been neglected.

She is into everything. I was so unprepared for this that I am running around like crazy trying to get things away from her. At the same time, I have to get the house ready for a visit from DFCS. They were called in when she tried to pick up the baby. They accused Jade's mother of many things. Her mother is terrified that they will drug test her and have her work a plan. She said she would sign her over to us before she did that again. I have a feeling this will be long term if not permanent. I know she wants to parent but with DFCS stepping in, she will not be able to get it together enough for them. She is not in foster care but they want to check things out b/c of the accusations made. They are transferring it to our county so I expect a visit within 24 hours.

I promise to make a serious effort to find the camera today. Oh Heather, I almost forgot, b/c she is not a foster child I am only required to get her mother's permission to post her picture.

Jade

Jade has just turned 1 and is walking pretty good. She is related to Emma, I think they are 2nd cousins by marriage. Here in the South, it is common to call your parent's friend aunt or uncle so and so. I have known Emma's Mom since she was a kid and I think Jade's Mom is just the cousin even though they call her Aunt Jess. Anyway, we were asked yesterday to come and pick her up today b/c her aunt/uncle had filed for LG but it was discovered that they had stopped giving the baby her breathing treatments ans she had to be hospitalized. They also have 5 charges of child cruelty in their past. They wouldn't be able to complete the LG even if she wanted them to. They had pressured her into signing it over to them about a week ago and she immediately regretted it but felt she needed to figure something else out before removing her again. She is unable to care for her child due to meth addiction, no job, no money, and homelessness.

Our intention is to keep her until she can get herself together. We all agree it needs to happen quickly or it needs to be a permanent situation. This is the 2nd child she has placed for the same reason. DFCS is on her back about LG or adoption. We will not seek either at this time but will be thrilled about having a chubby baby to snuggle for a bit. I am reluctant to discuss adoption with her b/c I feel so strongly that the baby should be with her mother if she can get additional help. She would really like to parent but needs to get into a drug treatment program that she is still trying to convince herself she doesn't need. She has been talking to Emma's Mom and us about leaving her with us for the last year but managed to avoid DFCS and found family to take her for brief periods. She has burned all her bridges and anyone willing to take the baby either didn't qualify or wanted to steal her baby. One of the other reasons she told Nikki she wants us to take her is that if we all decide she needs to stay, she knows we will honor our end of the relationship. She loves that Nikki has a real relationship with her child. She loves that we all love Nikki so much that we support her regardless of her choices and are always here for her.

This poor child hasn't had a consistent caregiver and has bounced from house to house. She is extremely clingy and whiny. She is not a healthy child and needs to have breathing treatments all the time. I am concerned she needs stability immediately to avoid attachment issues that are inevitable if things doesn't slow down for her soon.

My DH is on his way to pick her up right now. They had to call the police to remove her from their care. She showed them the documents from the courts but they refused to let the baby leave. It was a huge screaming fight and they waited for over an hour for the police before leaving. They are on their way back over there and will immediately meet my DH to bring her here. I am sure she will be very confused and scared. I wish there was an easier way to help her.

In the meantime, I have nothing for a baby! Time to hit Freecycle. I will post pictures tonight.

A Baby?

Abby, I will as soon as I find the camera. They are really cool and they fit in regular 8' ceilings. The bottom bunk sits really close to the ground and is great for Ella b/c she rolls right off a bed.

Wendy, I used to like to cook real meals but have slowly slipped into a cheap and easy kind of Mom. We have a few things on our regular rotation that I can throw together like egg sandwiches, spaghetti, alfredo, ceaser salad, veggie tacos, grilled PB and Js, and cucumber sandwiches. When we have more time, they enjoy things like beef stroganoff, beef gravy over perogies, chicken tortilla hotdish, chili, BBQ pork, and potato soup. Tonight we are having homemade chicken and dumplings.

Thank you so much for all the questions and comments.

One last thing, I may be posting tomorrow about a new addition. We are not sure if she will be short term or long term. We are excited about the possibility of her coming for however long she stays. Since I am not sure, I will keep my mouth shut about further details until she is in my arms. Yes, she is human.

Anwsers

I am answering the questions you posted here. Feel free to keep asking, I am more than happy to answer publicly or privately.

Nannyogg, welcome and thanks for delurking.

Me, our house has 6 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms. Our kitchen is the tiniest one I have ever been forced to cook in so we turned the dining room into a huge pantry by adding Rubbermaid shelves on 3 of the walls. Our formal LR is their playroom and we use our Den for our sofas and TV. It's a huge room and they love to sprawl out on the floor to watch movies on Friday nights. I think the total square footage is around 3200. The yard is what drew us here, we are on 5 acres that are about 1/3 open field, 1/3 w/o brush and ancient oak trees that the kids love to run around, and 1/3 deep woods that they hide in.

Alyssa's Mom, it is a toss up between Patches and Michael. Michael is no longer ripping his clothes off, attacking me, or wetting himself. He talks about his feelings and can remember a few names of people outside the house. He has all but stopped destroying things that are his. I think discovering and stopping his abuse by Cyr, locking up his parents, and starting Risperdal all helped tremendously. We spent a lot of time hugging in a restraint, I would talk softly and reassure him that he couldn't stop me from loving him and he was safe.

Patches was scary on paper, we almost reconsidered the group b/c she was so severe. Her anger just oozed from her at all times. She wouldn't smile or have her picture taken. She spent most of her time with her head down hating every one but especially me. She made sure I knew she wasn't going to accept me as her mother b/c she had one. I think it changed when she and I had a huge fight one afternoon on the stairs, I cried and that really got to her. I think I was finally able to explain I wasn't in competition with her mother, she could love us both and I explained how our roles were different. She began Prozac soon after and we realized a lot of her issues with school and people was social anxiety. She stopped pulling her hair out and hurting herself when she began Risperdal. It was weird watching her anger just disappear. We now have several pictures with her smiling and her rages have nearly disappeared until her recent med changes. The day we adopted her she announced she no longer wanted to see or accept her parents. It was like she closed a door, we are confident she had hung on to them b/c she was so afraid she would have to go back again. She was their loudest defender until she was done and now she rarely has a nice thing to say about them. She feels safe here and she accepts us fully as her parents. She is very proud of herself and wants to behave properly, that is what drives her to act normal. She needs to be reminded about how she used to act so she can see the difference and be sure we see it, too.

r, my DH had his brain injuries in 1997 and 1999. They were devastating for both of us. They changed him, his personality was more uptight and he was easily angered. He became volatile at times when he was frustrated. I am not sure how we survived the second one and if he hadn't been so needy, I don't think we would have made it. His short term memory is so much better than it used to be but he is still very dependent on me for things. He must talk to me MANY times a day on the phone and that can be a bit annoying but he freaks out when I am not available so it is necessary. He has his sense of humor back and that helps a lot. I think what was the hardest part was his poor choices during the second year after his second head injury. He was so out of whack he couldn't think straight and he did some things that nearly destroyed us. He is not that person anymore, thank goodness. I won't go into what those bad choices were b/c he would never consider doing those things now or before the accident. All his doctors told us that is is common for people in his condition to change personalities and do things that are not normal for them. I am so happy he worked through that. If I minimize things it is only b/c it is hard to remember those times. Life was hard.

Anonymous, try this. https://www.google.com/accounts/NewAccount Let me know if you still can't figure it out.

Maia, we are boring. This weekend I have spent it on my rear end watching Rosa unpack. The kids have been living outside. They beg to eat out on the picnic tables, ride their bikes, and run through the woods. They come in at dark and shower b/c they are out of school until tomororrow. They have been camping out in the girls' room in sleeping bags so they can watch Disney. I can hear them giggle until midnight. It so wonderful to be able to allow them to do that and not worry about inappropriate touching. Cyr is excluded most of the time, at her age, she doesn't care. If I do allow her to sleep in there she must sleep on a bed with Patches on the floor next to that bed. Patches is a light sleeper and has vowed to protect the other kids from every one including her sister. The triple bunk that I put Cyr on is so low that she can't sneak off the bed or over Patches. While I don't trust Cyr, I am confident the other kids have enough power now that they wouldn't let her get away with anything. No one here is afraid of her anymore, they stand up to her easily.

On school days, we get up around 6:15 so they can get on the bus at 6:55. They love to eat breakfast at school with their friends so that helps. We no longer have any real morning issues so they can actually get out the door in 10 minutes if they have to. We set out their clothes at night and unless there is an emergency they can not change their outfit. They take turns in the bathroom, a few get right in while the others get on their shoes and socks and then trade places. I check each child personally before they step out the door.

After school, they get home around 3 PM and I have their snack ready for them. I ask a million questions trying to hear about their day while they beg to go outside. I rotate a kid or two inside with me helping with laundry or snuggling. It is hard to get one on one so I have to force them to hang with me a few minutes every day.

They have one chore a week, it is the kitchen. On that day, they help me with dinner as a reward for doing the dishes. They open cans or stir the pot. Every one sits together on our very long picnic table in the kitchen at 6PM. They tease me about never sitting b/c I stand and eat while walking back and forth getting more food for them. We talk about everything at dinner and do a lot of laughing. We are still working on our manners so that is a topic we hear about every night among other things that would make most "normal" families cringe. It is not uncommon for them to talk about their abuse during dinner. I am not sure why but they feel safe at dinner.

Homework and showers are started the minute everyone clears the table. We send them up 2 at a time and the rest get their book bags and sit down at the table to begin. The littles can shower together but Cyr must have the door shut and be alone upstairs to shower. This is the time Michael starts to tell me he doesn't have homework and when I prove him wrong he shuts down and starts kicking the floor. I spend most of the time just being available if they need me. They prefer to have a sibling help them with their homework. If I try to help, it turns into a power struggle so I back off. I make them answer the question with my assistance, they are quite lazy and their sibling is likely to give them the answer instead. If I have trouble with a kid and homework they have to do it at recess and the next day they do it right after school instead of playing outside to be sure they have enough time. I sign all their stuff during this time and if they forget or refuse they don't have another chance. It takes about an hour to get all that done.

We spend the rest of the evening talking, laughing, playing together. They get their meds about 8:25 and head up to bed 8:30 sharp and are forced to read for 30 minutes. Emma reads out loud a great deal of the time to the other kids b/c she is such a great reader and enjoys it so much. Our bedtime routine is very simple, during their time to read I pick out their outfits for the next day and give kisses. They are so agitated at bedtime that we have to preoccupy them with reading and questions about their outfits for the next day. I give each child a kiss and the standard "I love you". Much more than that and they start freaking out. I had dreams of singing songs and snuggles but they just can't do it in their rooms. The girls love having so many in one room, it makes them feel safe. My son is asleep within seconds while Cyr reads quietly for a bit longer than the little girls. They do not get out of bed once they are in there. They do not ask for help in the night yet either. Night time is still scary for them.

Innocent Observer, I say a lot of things in my head. I even take a moment to play out my little fantasy of beating the turd. This can help me see the error of my fantasy and the prison I would certainly deserve to be in afterward. I can then think more clearly and address it w/o so much emotion. I try to get them to laugh or smile when they are in a really bad place. They couldn't do that before but now it seems to break the ice and they are instantly able to listen to reason.

I would love to escape to Maine but it probably won't happen anytime soon.

It is not that hard having another family unit in the house. I make it clear they must go by our general rules. Both Frankee and Rosa lived with me as a child so they are not surprised at how I parent. I refer their children to them unless they are busy or unavailable. Their children generally fall into place, it is easier to for them to follow a group of children than to listen to an adult. The only real issue I remember with Frankee and Shyanne was that she was sneaking her food between meals. Shyanne was very over weight and Frankee used food to bond with her. It was completely unhealthy. I am sure Rosa will find new and more interesting ways to add to the chaos. LOL I am kidding, she is more laid back and wants to fix her kids issues. She will follow my lead unless it feels really wrong for her child. She is not a drug addict or a drinker, she has no social life, and she spends all her time trying to parent or work. I am sure things will go much more smoothly with her.

My dream vacation was at Disney. It would include my kids and lots of fun. I would love to take them to the beach and we will as soon as my DH is able to work more steadily.

Recipe? I love to make Pumpkin Trifle with the kids on Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is easy and they get such a kick out of licking the bowls. I double the recipe and substitute the whipped topping with homemade whipped cream.


Ingredients

* 2 (14-ounce) packages gingerbread mix
* 1 (5.1-ounce) box cook-and-serve vanilla pudding mix
* 1 (30-ounce) can pumpkin pie filling
* 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
* 1/3 teaspoon ground cardamom or cinnamon
* 1 (12-ounce) container frozen whipped topping ****
* 1/2 cup gingersnaps, optional

Directions

Bake the gingerbread according to the package directions; cool completely. Meanwhile, prepare the pudding and set aside to cool. Stir the pumpkin pie filling, sugar, and cardamom into the pudding. Crumble 1 batch of gingerbread into the bottom of a large, pretty bowl. Pour 1/2 of the pudding mixture over the gingerbread, then add a layer of whipped topping. Repeat with the remaining gingerbread, pudding, and whipped topping. Sprinkle of the top with crushed gingersnaps, if desired. Refrigerate overnight. Trifle can be layered in a punch bowl.

****I use 2 32oz heavy cream containers and whip it until it starts to get thick. I add powdered sugar until it is sweet. I think it is 2 cups but don't hold me to it just keep tasting it. A dash of real vanilla and whip until it looks like whip cream. Mmmmmmm! There is enough for the kids to lick the bowl and actually get some. It is good enough to eat by the spoonful.

Kath, I got yours and will email you privately.

In a Funk

I am in a blogging funk. I have a lot going on but am too lazy to write or do much of anything. The kids are out of school until Wednesday and Rosa and her kids are still arranging their things here. I could sit around all day, wait, I have. Cyr and Emma are visiting my MIL and having a blast.

What do you want to know? Ask me anything.

Medicine Changes

Poor Patches is really going crazy with this med switch. She is a ball of emotions. One minute she is crying b/c someone said a girl on TV was not very pretty and the next she is screaming she hates us. We are all trying to be careful what we say but she is all over the place and attacks us for no reason. We have already doubled the dose b/c the doctor called and said she was attacking the other kids at the program and then crying in a corner in the fetal position. She has become extremely paranoid and thinks every one is out to get her. I can't wait for this stuff to level off. She is almost too big to hold in my lap and rock at this point. I see a difference in her eating already but my DH said she scarfed down a bag of gummy worms yesterday. I guess we'll have to wait to be sure it has improved long term.

Calling all Georgians

I see there are so many of you reading my blog. Anyone up for breakfast next weekend in Atlanta? Just leave me a comment or send me an email letting me know you are interested and we will coordinate. Don't be shy, I am dying for a meal away from my crazy people.

A Bit About Everyone

I am so busy lately that it is hard to find the time to blog. I have spent the day at the AT's office with Cyr, Ruthie, and Ava. We have missed a couple weeks and those 3 are the top of the list so they went.

Cyr screamed and cried about going. I found it hard to find words since she NEVER shows emotion or raises her voice. She was pissed. I have been letting her off the hook for family therapy and AT when others need it or it is not necessary for her to be there. She took this as she could stay home whenever she wanted. I told her to go ahead and sleep in b/c she would only have an hour of school before being checked out. She refused to go back to sleep and followed me downstairs with a glare. I ignored her for a bit and offered her a cup of coffee since she insisted on staying up. She almost growled at me and a few minutes later starting screaming about how mean I was. I stood there with my mouth open wondering if Ruthie had possessed her body. She ran off to her room.

I got the kids off to school and went to check on her. I knew she was alive b/c I could hear her the entire time howling from her bed. She got worse when I tried to talk to her about it claiming I was to blame for her not having friends. Not sure where that came from or even how it is possible but OK. The phone rang about 10 minutes into her screamfest and I told her I'd be right back. I went in there about 5 minutes later to find her sleeping.

She didn't get very far in therapy today. She shut right down. What a waste of time. She will now be going twice a week to therapy and our Saturdays are shot again.

Ruthie attacked both my DH and I last night. She went off the deep end for NO REASON. She went off on the kids yelling at them that I was mean and she was calling DFCS. She had no explanation for why she felt threatened or what I was mean about. I asked her to go back downstairs for a few b/c she was upsetting all the kids at bedtime. She refused and started kicking me. I called for my DH to help me get her off the bed and downstairs and he got kicked and hit. This is not something he is accustomed to and he flipped out. Poor guy, he wants to protect me and gets overly excited when they hurt me. He held her to the floor (not hard) and yelled until he was hoarse. "You will not hurt our family. You will not hit and kick Mom." The kids rarely hear him scream in anger and were even more upset. By this time, everyone is in the girls' room to be sure no one is hurt. Both of us had to grab an end and get her away from them. I held her while he comforted the rest. He is so not able to handle their violence and I feel like it is all I do sometimes. It took an hour for everything to calm down and for them to go to sleep.

Today Ruthie doesn't remember what she was upset about or what she did. She is her normal sweet self, always taking care of others and being thoughtful. It really is very weird when she loses it like that. She looks as if she is possessed by a demon.

Ava is still lying about the money she stole from Abbie. She refuses to tell us where it is and screamed at the AT today. That was huge b/c Ava doesn't get upset, she is always smiling. She pokes her eyes to make herself cry for people but she doesn't show anger. The AT suggested we try an extreme tactic on Ava for stealing. I must tell you that Ava steal ALL THE TIME. I know many of you understand this idea b/c you have a thief yourself. She takes the strangest things like pieces of games or puzzles, make up, pencils, calculators, shoe (just one though), and other people's homework are a few examples. This is not done to keep the items, she usually gets rid of them b/c it is done to be mean to the other person. We will be making her a T-Shirt that says "I Steal". It will be worn only when we go to family member's house or have family members over to help them keep their things safe. She is such a lovely and charming child it is hard to imagine her dark side. She can look you in the face while she is screaming and crying that she is innocent only to tell you she was lying 30 minutes later. If she hadn't done that to me so many times, I would believe her. I know her teachers do when she is caught with things.

Emma is doing well on her Prozac. No real change that she can tell but I haven't seen her cry at the thought of her Spelling test tomorrow. That is progress for her and it is only the 4th day.

Patches gets out of the Program on November 3rd.

Michael is doing very well in school. He is giving me a hard time about homework but I let him take the consequence of losing recess the next day to save our relationship. He did get very angry at Emma today b/c he let go of the swing and it hit her in the head. This was an accident and he apologized to her. That's what he was mad at, he apologized and she didn't tell him it was OK. She was unable to speak b/c she was sobbing and had a huge lump on her head. I had a difficult time explaining that he was in the wrong by expecting her to forgive him 3 seconds after he hurt her when she couldn't stop crying. Eventually, 3 lashes of a wet noodle made him smile so we could move on.

Ella has ODD. I am such a mean mom, I showed Rosa what that means for Ella. She will not do as she is asked, for any reason. I caught her in a good mood and told her to stomp her foot before she went out to play. She stood in the kitchen for about 10 minutes refusing to move. She only stomped then to prove Ava was right and I was wrong when we made a bet it would take her 30+ minutes. She loves to prove me wrong more than anything.

Rosa is moving in tomorrow. I am not ready. Her room is not ready. Not much I can do but keep trying.

Another One Bites the Dust

Another kid on meds. Emma begins Prozac for her Anxiety Disorder today. She will start off on only 10mg but he feels confident she will need to at least double it next month. The Psychiatrist asked her all kinds of questions about how she feels and her symptoms. She was so cute and very grown up when she described her panic attacks and nervous stomach. He he asked her what makes her nervous and she said, "Everything!". She freaks about tests, going to school, her mother, her first sisters, but mostly about bathrooms. As she told him how she will only use "2 bathrooms in the whole world" I about fell out of my chair. She was so serious and focused on making him understand she hates feeling like this. She informed him she cries "over silly things like getting a problem wrong on a test". He asked her who she was trying to please, Mommy? She very matter of factly told him that "Mommy doesn't care if I miss them, I do". He feels she has OCD issues, as well. He said it comes out in small children a little differently, they like their toys organized, don't eat certain foods, or obsess over the bathroom they use. It is not uncommon for them to have sleeping issues like she does. Over all, I am excited to see how things change for her. She is a ball of nerves and it definitely was affecting her, her class, and her family. I really like this new doctor, he is very cautious about prescribing meds.

When I was filling out the paperwork, I asked her if she had 3 wishes what would she wish for? I was so impressed when she told me 1. she could see her mother 2. her friend Raphael (he has undx'd ADHD) could do better in school b/c he doesn't seem to be having fun and gets yelled at 3. school would get out early so she could play with her brother and sisters. She is such a sweet kid.

Big Change a Coming

I know most of you thought I was crazy last Fall when Frankee moved in with her daughter and caused so much ruckus. This time is different. It won't be Frankee, it will be Rosa and her 3 kids. LOL She is in the middle of a divorce and was trying to go to school full time and work full time while trying to heal her children. We all know that is a recipe for an exhausted mom that isn't any good for her children. What made it worse was that she is over an hour from us so I couldn't help her with the kids except over the phone. Just to ease some of your minds, she doesn't drink or do drugs. She has her issues as all of our children do but she is genuinely a good person.

How will you all fit in one house? I am sure that was the second thing you would ask. We have already moved Patches in with Cyr to help her feel safe. Ruthie, Ava, and Ella are on a triple bunk bed my DH made about 2 yrs ago. On the other wall in that room will have Emma and Alyssa on another triple bunk he will eventually get around to building. Crowded? Not really b/c they do not keep anything in their room except their shirts, their pants are all hung on a low rod in my closet and toys are in the playroom. Michael is the most excited of all, he will share with Eddie. He has wanted a roommate and begged for a brother since we met him. Eddie is not his brother but he said that will do, for now. At first, they will have 2 single beds in there until my DH builds another triple bunk. Rosa and Gia will share the downstairs guest bedroom.

I have a ton to do to get ready for them. They will move in this week and get started in school next. I have got to move all my stuff I store in the guest room out to the barn. I have carpets to clean and closets to reorganize. Once she gets here, I plan on using her to help me paint the house. I want to start in the living room and kitchen, then work up to the bedrooms by the end of November.

I am really excited about her and the kids coming. I tried not to push her to make that choice but to give it to her as an option. It is so hard having adult children. You want to swoop in and fix things for them or make it easier but they have to be in control of their lives. Her soon to be Ex always thought I wanted her children. He warned her over and over that I would try to steal them. It makes me sad that he felt that way. I loved them both so much and that thought never even crossed my mind. He is going to be very upset when he finds out her plan to stay with us, I am finding a secret pleasure in that. I know it is not mature, I don't care. He tried to keep her out of my life and almost succeeded.

Xanax

I am having a brain fart or someone is deleting my posts. I keep thinking I have blogged about something only to double check and it is not there. I swear, I remember typing it and everything. I am probably dreaming about it at night and getting things confused. I sound real stable, huh?

I have made an appointment for Emma to see the psychiatrist. I think it is time to consider meds for her anxiety. The child is an emotional mess. She is a perfectionist and then stresses until she is bawling about what might happen. I constantly remind her just to do her best but she worries she will fail somehow. She stresses so much that she doesn't poop, she worries that her teacher is mad at her when she reprimands the class, and she gets upset every morning complaining her stomach hurts when it is really just stress about going to the school she loves so much. It is definitely interfering with her life at this point. She is a little ball of nerves and can't seem to utilize our suggestions for coping. Her Mother and I have giggle for years that she needs Xanax to cope with every day life. Now we are thinking it really might help. Next Monday is the day, can't wait to hear what he suggests.

Stealing but Not Taking

I am so embarrassed to tell ya'll this but since I share the intimate details of our lives I am sure you will not be surprised. Ava is a thief. If you invite us over to your home, please hide all of the things you love or that have any value. Nail it down if you can't put it away. Make sure you never let on that it is something you like or or it's value for that will get her attention and guarantee it to go missing.

Every time my niece's come over and have things with them, I hide it in my room to protect it. Ava has no problem riffling through their bags, even ripping open wrapped presents to see what goodies they have that she might want. This is the 3rd time she has stolen money from them, I have lost count at how many times she has stolen from someone within our immediate family. She denies it, she cries and she begs us to believe her, and after many tears she will usually confess to taking it. She never keeps the money, she hides it from them or loses it. I am so embarrassed that I need to worry about her sticky fingers. I am so sad for my nieces. They adore my kids and are always shocked and try to explain it away for them. They want to trust them. They can't imagine that it was on purpose and give them the benefit of the doubt.

I am really angry at her right now. We charge double the amount for stealing. She graduates the program Friday and will spend the rest of her childhood doing chores to earn that money back. The only reason it will take so darn long is that she will move at a snail's pace to prove how mean we are and that we can't control her.

On a different note completely, I asked a neighbor that has lived on our road all her life if she knew of any deaths here. She was a wealth of information, just not any that fit our situation. We have had 4 suicides within a few houses of ours. One elderly man shot his nagging wife and tried to shoot himself when the gun jammed. No small children, though. She promised to ask her extended family b/c they all live on our street and have for over 80 years.

Follow Me

I am loving this Following gadget. I think every one I read needs to join up so I can keep track of you all better. If you read here, follow me, too.

My MIL needs me to add the links of my favorite blogs on the side here. If you want me to post yours or you want yours taken off, let me know. I won't publish your comment, I'll just add or remove your link.

Howling at the Moon

We took the kids to my sister's Saturday and went to ride a Haunted Hayride. Everyone was very excited, except my worry wart, Emma. She is so high strung that I am becoming concerned that she may need medication. She cries every morning and it is just nerves. She loves school and all the kids there, she can't put her finger on what is worrying her, she just is. She worries like no buddy's business about tests. She will score the highest in her class and sometimes in her grade but she fretted all night and morning about it. It gives her stomach and headaches. It is definitely getting worse, her teacher is afraid to reprimand the class for anything without making it clear to her that she didn't do anything and isn't in trouble. I remember asking her pediatrician about it a few years ago and she said when/if it affects her life, then consider it. It is affecting her life, my life, the kids', life and her poor teacher's life. Time to start talking about trying something.

We had another session of family therapy. It went better than the last weeks session. At the end she took my DH and I into her office to ask see if we would meet another couple from the program. She has another little girl in the program with RAD and the parents are struggling. They feel alone, frazzled, and in way over their heads. Anyone relate? The therapist is, at least, trying to think outside the box. We scheduled a supervised meeting with them next Monday. Both our families will do a joint session of sorts.

With Ava gone during the week, Ella has stepped up her pitifulness. (I know, it's not a real word but it fits.) If I question her homework b/c she obviously copied Michael's sentences, she bawls. If I tell her it's time to clean off the table, she stands in the corner and cries. Last night, I asked her to drop her clothes down the chute and she stood in the middle of the living room crying her eyes out. I am sick of it. I am losing my patience with this. I don't understand her need to be a victim all the time.

I don't ask much of my children, they do not have extensive chores. All I really ask of them is to pick up after themselves and they each have the dishes 1 night a week. Not much compared all I do. She acts like I am making her do everything. She used to hide in the bathroom with the light off when it came time to pick up their toys, now she stands there and plays the victim. Right now she is howling, I am not joking, howling at the table b/c she has to write 5 sentences with words like, all, thank, he, was, and you. She won't do it correctly, she does it over and over wrong but I know she can do it b/c she does it at school. Normally, I give them an opportunity to do their homework and if it's not done, they do it at recess. She has figured out that she can manipulate her teacher and she doesn't do it. Tonight I am switching it up. She can sit there as long as she chooses, her brother did it it in less than 5 minutes. I refuse to get involved with her drama. Ever been so mad for a split second that you actually had a brief fantasy about spanking a kid? I have, this kid. I know it won't help and I know enough to keep myself away from her for a few minutes until it passes. I am not sure why it bugs me so badly.

Random Things

I am still sick, it's been a month. I am tired and full of infection that the antibiotics are not helping. Time to try a different round of them.

Why do the kids lie when they are caught red handed? They seem to do it louder when they are guilty. Ruthie screamed in my face and Em's face Wednesday b/c she tied a rope around a tree. I don't care if she tied a darn rope around a tree. She wouldn't even let me get that out b/c she was too busy blaming Patches, Patches was in the program and couldn't have done it. It is so disappointing to have them flip out and lie, then refuse to back down.

I woke the kids up late, I think this is the first time, and still got them out to the bus within 10 minutes. Yes, Emma was crying and Ava didn't get her stuff signed but that's normal.

I am getting nervous that my dryer is about to die. It has always had issues but it is huge and dries beautifully, when it turns on. That's the problem, sometimes it just won't come on. I have to unplug it and wait, it may take a day or two but it will work fine for months. This time it will come back on but shuts off on it's own within 10 minutes or so. It has been 6 days, the laundry is piling up. I am hoping today is the day!

My DH has been home for a couple weeks and is slowly driving me insane.....

My Little Liars at Work

My little devils decided it would be funny to tell the Family Therapist at the program that all I do is lay in bed and watch TV. One kid spoke up and defended me claiming that I do sit on the computer sometimes. Great! This happened after I called Ava on the carpet for lying about wetting herself in the closet and I pointed out to the therapist that Ava pokes her eyes when she is fake crying so it looks real. Now I look like an uncaring and lazy Mom. She began asking how I manage to give them quality alone time. I explained it is difficult but I manage. It is not at the mall or on vacation but we are very aware of who needs what and that they get it. Yes, it is in the laundry room or at the kitchen table while we are fixing dinner but they have access to me constantly. Who's to say that the conversation in the laundry room is less important than the one she has with her daughter at the mall?

This week she asked Ava and Patches what their goals were. Patches' goal was to let her brother get in trouble instead of protecting him. WTH? When I asked her to explain, she gave me some story about how she doesn't tell on him and he "always" steps on her book bag when she is in her room throwing a fit. Let me break this down for you, she hasn't had a fit in many, many weeks, her book bag is supposed to be in the closet unless she is doing her homework, and she hasn't been allowed to throw a fit in room since we discovered they were locked in their room and this caused them to have have PTSD flashbacks. What it boils down to is that this happened in MARCH. I am sure they were feeling so sorry for her b/c she told them I was watching TV downstairs and he was torturing her upstairs. Gimme a break! I tore her story apart and she smiled. She agreed she just couldn't think of anything to make as a goal when they asked her.

Ava's wasn't much better. She has to write about her feelings when she gets mad at the kids. That goal makes no sense for this child. She doesn't get angry, they do. She torments them by waking them up at 5AM after keeping them up with her chatter until way after bedtime, she ruins their favorite clothes by sitting in the mud, smearing her lunch on them, and writing all over them with markers, she shoves them off the swing, empties all the shampoo out before they bathe, steals their new toy and hides it under her bed, or talks through an entire movie they were dying to watch. At no time does she build with any visible anger to write about. She smiles and ignores authority but never screams or attacks. This goal is silly and doesn't apply to her so she has yet to write anything about it.

My Hair

I have a migraine and I cut a foot off my hair today. I really though the headaches were from the hair. Oh well, it gone now. I plan on dying it red for the first time in about 10 years, the grey is so bright against my dark hair I have to do something. My DH was against me cutting it and when he saw me today he had tears in his eyes. I guess it looks THAT good b/c it couldn't be that I haven't had a professional cut my hair in 4+ years. The last person that trimmed my hair was my DH. He missed a large piece and my 7 yr old had to fix it.

I just had to come back and add that someone found my blog by searching "I smear my poop". I hope you find what you need, feel free to ask questions privately.

What's Your Experience?

I am no expert on hallucinations and had no idea that part of the concern for Patches is she is only having them at home. This is going to sound weird and I am not sure what to think about this myself, but it is something to think about. Patches described the people she sees in therapy and she commented that they were dead. Where she got this she doesn't know, she feels like they are dead. She was asked for the first time to describe their clothes and with her limited vocabulary all we got was "dirty pink weird dress". I have no idea what that meant. After she left the room the AT suggested that she has never heard a child with voices and visions describe things like she does. This is not normal for a delusional child. Great, now what? She told me to look into the house's history to see if I could find this little girl and boy that she is talking about. I laughed b/c I thought she was joking. She wasn't, she insisted she would never admit it and she has never suggested anything like this to any of her patients. She said it is just strange the way she talks about seeing them the way she does and that it is only at home. Patches thinks every one she sees is dead, including our dog that she sees regularly out her window by our barn.

Just to make things worse, I had an "experience" last Friday. We had all the kids that were home watching a movie in the living room with us. We were expecting Patches and Ava to return soon. I very distinctly heard "Mom" being called from the front door/stairs. I hit pause and hollered back. Everyone looked at me crazy and I insisted someone called me. Every one was there. Weird? We started the movie and about the time I stopped thinking about it, I heard it again. This time I got up and went to look. No one. It gets weirder. I went back to the movie, again absorbed in it when I heard it right by my ear. I could almost feel the breath of the child calling me. I turned fully expecting to see Ava in my face. No one. I texted my DH sitting on the other sofa and told him what happened and I was getting freaked out. He tried to laugh it off but mentioned that perhaps Patches was just "sensitive" and this house had ghosts.

In the session today, Patches did tell the exact same story she told in family therapy this week. We had thought it sounded like she was adding to it as we asked but her session today was the same. Nothing added, nothing left out. She heard someone clapping in the middle of the night Monday. She went to get up and see what was going on, thinking it was my DH and the kids. She barely opened her door when she saw a boy and girl clapping and laughing on the stairs. She was too afraid to leave her room and closed the door. They stopped making noise and eventually she went back to sleep. I believe her. I am not sure what that means, but I do.

Smella

Ella can read, she is slow and has to sound most small words out but she can read. She insists she can't do her homework every night. I am sick of helping her b/c she sits there for hours and then the second I ask her to read me the line she is stuck on, she does. She wants me to hold her hand the entire time b/c they do at school. She is faking and I will not play this game. In fact, she is a better reader than her brother and he does his homework w/o my help most nights. Her intense desire to appear victimized and pitiful makes it very difficult to like being around her. Others outside the family are drawn to her like a bug to the light. Her pitiful legs, huge, dark eyes, and whispered voice makes you feel sorry for her, she seems shy. This child is so manipulative and charming that I fear we have another with more serious attachment issues than I planned on. Why does she have to be so hard to be around? I love her and I will protect her from herself, I just don't like to be around her b/c she insists on trying to be pitiful. I hope this will change in time, her need to be a victim and downplaying all her abilities. I see all her potential but I can't like her for her potential.

If I tell her to wait her turn, she pouts for 30 minutes. She has bitten her nails WAY past the quick and has less than half a nail on her fingers, don't remind her to stop though or you will have to watch her lip poke out for an hour while tears stream down her cheeks as long as you are in her sight. Try and tell her not to run and she will throw herself to the ground like you have beat her. Attempt to fix her hair for her and she will act like you have told her she is hideous. I practically sing these things to her trying to help her understand I am not being mean. She refuses to accept that and makes us all suffer. I can say these things to the others and they don't act like this, only her. Right now her goal is to say, "Okey Dokey" in a voice I can hear when I tell her things as simple as, "Please tie your shoes." She can't do it, let me rephrase that. She won't do it. She digs her heels into the ground, puts her head down with her lower lip out, and whispers. She has the loudest voice in the house when she is mad at the kids behind closed doors but you can't hear her any other time. I think we may be really in for it with her.

She has good qualities. She is so funny when she wants to be. She is silly and her giggle is heart warming. She can be loving and thoughtful at times. She will play with anyone. She loves to help in the kitchen as long as you are working right beside her. It's just this one area that drags all that other stuff down. I would love any suggestions. I constantly try to build her self esteem and praise her for any independence she shows. I am at a loss about her need to be a victim, maybe it is just a habit that is hard to break.

For those of you that weren't around, Ella would sit at the table and quietly eat long after we were all done sometimes and toot. She never said a word to us and didn't stop eating even for a second. Within seconds, we would all be gasping for air and she continued to eat. It took quite sometime to figure out it was her and when we confronted her, she just smiled. She has forever earned the nickname Smella. It is still her way of getting us riled up. My 4 yr old niece, Brooklyn, introduces her this way, "This is Ella but her Daddy calls her Smella."

Sounds Like Ava

We knew she had a sadistic side but never thought she would be so bold as to show the outside world. She has a boy at the program that "likes" her. She says she likes him but when they questioned her more closely the discovered what she really likes is the fact she has control over him. He cries a lot and she tells him to stop, he does. She wants something and she tells him to get it, he does. She doesn't want to do something and tells him to do it, he does. You get the idea, only you don't get the the picture. She ENJOYS humiliating him into doing things for her. It's when he is hurt in some way by her demands that she really likes it. It is just a step beyond being bossy and it is what she does to her twin. LOL

She had a good weekend but the therapist feels it was b/c she was distracted by the additional kids. She had started off the same as usual and woke everyone up at 5AM. She was better after that b/c she had things to do and people to impress. Darn, I was hoping I had found the cure to RAD. This same therapist thinks she blames the kids for their removal and their parents incarceration. Since she claims not to remember anything happening with their parents, to her they are the victims, not the kids. She is in big time denial, they are worried this will be an issue if she testifies. I am not worried about that part, of course they have conflicting issues and feelings. I am not surprised she "doesn't remember", neither does several other children of mine, neither did I. It will come as she can handle it.

Patches is claiming she heard and then saw 2 children on our steps last night. The story seemed to change and didn't seem true. The fact she never told anyone until today made it even less believable. Every other incident she was terrified and that gave it the real feelings to make us concerned. This makes me worry she liked the attention and wants to get some more. They want to up her meds b/c of it, we are waiting a bit more before doing that.

Mongoose, you went private and I can't get in to catch up. Is there a secret knock that I forgot? Please, please let me in.

A Letter to the Teacher

I slept and only had 1 nightmare. I think I passed them on to Lisa. I am so sorry, I had no idea you could catch nightmare through a blog. I am scum.

Ruthie has given me 3 things to make up for writing all over the porch. One is a used rabbit she received from her parents (they wrote all over it with permanent marker in words that aren't spelled right or that I can understand except Mom and Dad), one of her lovies (a blanket my mom made her, she still has another), and a cabbage patch baby she has never played with. I feel terrible but it must be done. I will put the lovey and rabbit away in a box but donate the baby. She was mad about it all the other day but when she gave it to me, she practically threw it at me giggling to run outside and climb trees. I am guessing this parenting thing is harder on me than her.

Emma wrote a letter to her teacher last night b/c she didn't have enough homework. Her words, not mine, you would think a kid would love to have free time. I am not looking so good but it is cute.

"Dear Ms. Marlow,
Thak you for being a good teacher. I fell down in the woods and started to bleed. I am going to bring my stuff tomarrow. I am bringing paper platts, cups, fac worms, and scarry napkins. My mom is going to work very hard on being a good room mom. We had taco bell dinner. My mom was lasy at working on dinner. One of my sisters root onthe railing. Her nae is Ruthie. When I fell down my brouth Michael helped me up. The end.
Love,
Emma"

You Guys Are Good

I was so tickled to see how well you know my kids. Well, most of you. LOL I get confused and they live here so don't feel bad if you were WAY off.

It was Ruthie that wrote all over everything. She really is stuck in some toddler nightmare stage. Ava was the one that harassed me for hours reminding me that she did not do anything wrong this time and that she had a good weekend. At one point, I told her if she "reminded" me again, I would forget and write that she drove me crazy on her Behavior Folder for the program. Nipped that in the bud.

On another note. Ruthie is singing some made up song in the tub. "You are Poo Poo. You are Poo Poo." She is so funny.

Rosa picked up the kids and they were great until she showed up. LOL Isn't that how it always is. Eddie even denied that he has ever thrown a fit like my kids did. He was able to keep a straight face b/c the boy rarely smiles. I got him a few times but it is hard. Alyssa is quite the silent instigator. She drives her siblings nuts and it might be the only thing she enjoys. They are quite the handful for their mother but I am so proud to tell you she is a great mother. She tries so hard. I told the kids all weekend how lucky they were to have such a great mom.

The Cat Can Not To Boy

Make sense to you? IT IS WRITTEN IN RED INK ALL OVER MY PAINTED PORCH RAIL! I am a little upset, as you can tell. The problem is the entire thing will have to be sanded and repainted b/c she wrote so hard and so many places. She will not learn this lesson. This child has done similar toddler things like crush crayons into the carpet and write her name on the wall many times before. Obviously, she isn't getting it. We had to up the consequence this time and decided to have her find 3 things she loves or enjoys to "sell" and she is currently washing the walls while she thinks of things. She was praised for her spelling and handwriting b/c they are much improved. She informed me that if she had to do this that she would cry, she would be forced to hit people, and she thinks I am mean. I somehow remained very calm and sympathetic while she screamed this in my face me, she kept coming back to scream some more but never hit me.

Another child was so proud it wasn't her that she interrupted the other child being confronted several times in the minute it took to say so. Can you to guess who wrote on the porch, who didn't, and why you think so?

My Weekend, So Far...

I am on night 6 of nightmares and wild dreams. Something has to give soon, it is making me VERY cranky even after coffee. Cyr wrote me a letter yesterday pointing it out along with all of my flaws she could think of a a few she made up just to hurt me. I am not sure where this came from but I had too much to deal with to have a conversation about it. She wrote one to my DH that was all his good points, she is playing us against each other just as we have decided to allow her to have a friend over next weekend. I guess it is too much for her to handle. Maybe I am being "mean".

Back to the dreams. They are so vivid that I am sobbing when I wake up and can't shake the feelings I am still in there. Last night wasn't so scary as it was sad. I am tearing up now thinking of it. I dreamt about my first love, his face and name were different but I know it was him. IRL he died suddenly in a car accident and for several years I had these types of dreams of being so desperately in love but couldn't be together dreams. They are awful, they bring back all those feelings of being lost, desperate, and devastated. They don't magically disappear when I wake up and I miss him terribly all over. What is up with all the old boyfriend dreams? The other night Rosa killed her soon to be Ex, a parent teacher conference turned into a death match and she tried to kill me fore my blog link (she chased me down with a huge chain that had an iron ball with spikes on the end screaming about my darn blog), my DH killed an iguana that tried to attack me, and I was being harassed by another large adoptive family that wanted to be friends but their kids were so "weird" and you all know that is bad if I won't put up with them. I just want to sleep!

We have Rosa's babies this weekend. Poor Gia had to sleep with me in the guest room. She said I snored. In my defense, she laid on my back or kicked me all night long. A few interesting moments so far are Eddie wakes up as early as Ava but has a MUCH louder step. Patches became a mother, she was playing house and Gia was the baby. Problem was, Gia got tired and wouldn't stop playing, she would cry when she put her down so she had t be rocked to sleep. I found her on DH's chest sprawled out, you know he was in Heaven. My son peed in the tub AFTER I filled it with water but before they got in the tub. You read that right, I caught him standing next to the tub peeing in it. Alyssa has yet to look me in the eye, Eddie either for that matter. Alyssa is a very sweet girl that enjoys getting her brother in a tizzy. She has a way of torturing him silently and then looking innocent and making him look even crazier. My kind of cute, LOL. We are putting up our Halloween stuff right after breakfast. Over all, a good time has been had by all.

Just so you know, I am keeping track of the donations on the left side of the screen.

I Can't Believe You!

I have been deeply moved by your obvious support and more than generous donations. I was surprised when it started to move up little by little. I can't believe that some of you were so willing to help and I promise to make you glad you did. For each one of you that donated more than $5, I am sending a kid your way for the weekend. Here's what you have to look forward to:

I assure you they will not clean or help in any way without complaining for hours first.

They will wet any surface you provide to sleep on unless you have a mattress cover on it.

They will eat anything and that does include their own clothes, homework, and the dog food.

You can expect to have your head beaten by a brush and half your hair ripped out by the hairbows they love to tie in your hair.

As they snuggle up in your lap 5 minutes after meeting (they have come so far, now they must "know" you before loving you) you can look to be kneed and elbowed extremely hard in your soft places.

I must warn you they won't wipe, flush, or use soap unless you check by actually looking or smelling. Do not accept their word on this. In fact, if they tell you anything that sounds like they have done a good job on anything w/o freaking out first, it is not true. Tears are a physical sign they are lying, tell them to stop and take a step back b/c they are known to then begin screaming at how mean you are for not believing them as they then run to get there before you to do it so they can prove you were wrong. If you really need it done, just take your time getting there. On occasion, they may begin to spit, hit, kick, or scratch you for catching them in this lie. After all, it will be your fault they had to do it.

Lisa, your kindness and support have been more than I should and deserve to accept. If it wasn't so needed I would send it back. Instead you have just purchased your first life long friend. I am not sure what that means (hopefully it won't include "benefits") but I can tell you that shaking me will be impossible. You are truly gifted at being a good friend and I am not talking about the financial part. Thank you.

Hannah Montana

Ruthie had such a hard session today with the AT that she had to stay home from school afterward. She nearly wet herself and became physically ill toward the end. She worked really hard and went to places she has not before. Not once did she disassociate. She had to focus really hard to stay with us and did. It drained her completely and she slept for 3 hours after.

Michael was asked what kind of things he thinks about most. He stared at us for several minutes and said, "climbing trees". I think he was honest. LOL He is being so nurturing towards Patches lately, I love to see my kids copy my actions when trying to comfort some one else. He brushes her hair away, pats her back, and leans over when he talks to her. The best part is that she is taller than him and he doesn't realize I am leaning over to be on his level, he is just copying me. I wish I could bottle his cuteness, it sure makes the rough days easier.

I just heard Ella, Michael, and Emma discussing who was going to be Hannah Montana, they were just walking through the house talking. A minute later my DH who is trying to write up a bid at the kitchen table hollered down to the living room, "Hey, Hannah Montana, please keep it down." I guess they continued b/c he then said, "Hannah Montana, that means you, Michael, keep it down." My son was the one pretending to be Hannah. LOL The poor kid needs a brother so bad.

Ella is making up stories that sound like Patches'. She is so full of crapola. We have recently had to reinstate teh rule that no one helps Ella with anything. She loves to act helpless. It is so bad that we had to put it in her IEP last year.

Still no poop.....

Poop Catcher

As you all know, I have several wetters. Ruthie is one that seems to have had in under control for some time. Not anymore. Twice this week she has been triggered by something at school and wet herself in front of every one. She told me when I picked her up that she was playing in PE and when they started throwing the ball it reminded her of her Dad throwing the ball at her. She is also constantly complaining of feeling sick or having random boo boos. She is really stressed out.

I took Emma to the doctor today for her chronic stomach issues. She has always had pooping issues for a few reasons and it is very painful. Now I have to "catch" her poop and bring it in a tiny container to be tested for some bacteria she might/probably doesn't have. Can I have a volunteer to do the "catching"? She thinks it is terribly funny, I do not. I wonder if this is something I can put on my resume, "skilled at catching poop from hysterical child mid air". Probably not.

Further depression is setting in. My DH is out of work and home driving me crazy trying to find more. The contractors that use him aren't being paid by the banks. They want inspections of every detail before releasing funds and it is holding up him getting paid and more work being started. He is calling every one he has ever met looking for anything to keep him busy until it gets going again. It may drive me crazy to have him here bugging me but he is a workaholic and can't stand not to be busy providing for his family. At least a few of the gas stations have gas again. We were in a pickle for the last week with nearly every station in the metro area out of gas. Now if we could just afford to buy it. LOL The darn price is through the roof.