A Very Long Weekend

This is just one of Emma's self portrait photos I fond on my phone last week. There is a series of her many funny faces very close up.

The Attachment Center we use sent out our new AT. She is not an AT, in my opinion, and we have to fire her before she really screws up our kids. For those of you who do not even know what AT is I will give you a brief description. It is to facilitate attachment between the mother and child. It involves both at all times, the child is NEVER separated from the mother for any kind of talk therapy or play therapy without the mother at least watching through a window. Children with this disorder are VERY sneaking and manipulative. They are extremely charming and it can be very difficult to determine what is the truth and what is not. My oldest has gone 11 years fooling everyone in her path that she is a kind, caring, responsible, healthy child when the exact opposite is true. SHe has no feelings of any kind towards anyone, she just mimics what she sees others do. The AT we had had lots of ideas on how to get things out of her and force the truth. My children are most comfortable in a power struggle and I need advice on how to avoid them. The AT teaches non-conventional ways to parent, normal patterns do not work b/c you are dependent on the fact your child wants to please you and my children do care if I am pleased with them. Got it?

So this very bright and pleasant lady asks all kinds of questions about the kids and then informs us she will be working with us and will be including her "team" in the therapy. I have heard of teams being used to deal with a child before so I started asking her questions and discovered she had no idea what the hell she was talking about. I assume she would be a very effective play therapist and specializes in Sexual Abuse but she is not an AT. She informed me a member of her team would be seeing the kids at school. Alone. One member was a MAN. Considering my children's extremely poor boundary issues, it is not a good idea for a woman to be alone with a single child and a man is in real danger. She began to brag about how they will be checking my kids out of school and going to McDonald's and for ice cream. AH, HELLO, how is that going to build a bond with my children and I? It is going to build a bond between her and the kids, maybe. So being the fierce mom I am, I asked her this. She responded that she would allow me to sit in the last 15 minutes when she was here. What? Then she told me she would inform the kids that anything they say to her is confidential and she would not share it with me unless they are going to hurt themselves or others. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, NOW!!!!!! Of course I only said that in my mind but I did end the meeting and call my agency immediately. The Center will be finding me another AT, period.

We met yesterday with both our SW and the kids' CW. They have agreed to support us in keeping our oldest here and getting a psycho-sexual assessment done to determine if she is at risk to offend again. We have put ourselves on High Alert and the cameras in our home and door alarms are back in full swing. We have always had rules and devices in place due to the other children acting out sexually but we allowed her to bypass some of the rules b/c she is so "responsible". She is extremely parentified and had always been in charge of caring for the children in the past so in order to help her give up this role we allowed her access we didn't trust the others with. In fact, one of the reasons we trusted her so much is b/c she had reported other children's behaviors to us in the past.

We had to show how we plan to make our home safe again and keep it that way. Here are a few things we discussed with the workers. We never allow the doors to be closed during then day but recently allowed them to enter another child's room to play karaoke and dance as long as there were always 3 or more children and the door remained open. We do not allow Hide and Seek, blankets to be used in public areas, no sharing blankets or hands out of sight, no sitting on another child's bed, no laying down, bathroom always closed, and a few more. The new ones are the offending child must be in the room with me at all times another child is on the same floor, anytime that is not possible she must be in her room with the door alarm on, she may not be alone with any child, she can not be in charge of any child, she can not tell another child what to do, she can not be alone with friends, she can not go to friend's house, she can not play in the neighborhood without me, she can no longer participate in the buddy reading program at school, every one showers alone (sounds weird but with 6 girls you tend to double up), she must make me aware of her need to use restroom and lock the door, basically she has lost all extra privileges she had for being older like staying up late and allowance. It has only been a few days but so far she understands and is doing well.

The other children.....Michael is a tad aggressive towards her, we understand completely why. Ella is scared and has told me so today. Emma is mad to some degree but really doesn't understand what has happened b/c she has never experienced anything so terrible in her pre sibling group sheltered life. The others are barely responsive but we are confident they were unaware of this situation.

On top of all this fun stuff happening at home, my DH went to work this AM to see another contractor working on the building he is supposed to start on this week. He is devastated. We are not sure what this means for him and his job stability. It is entirely possible the brothers he works for has decided to put him on salary like they have discussed for months. The only issue with that is they didn't give him any warning about the other building and he is hurt. He also has at least 2 job offers that have been on the table for months that he can start with a days notice. All will be fine just more stress until the meeting to get details at 2PM. Keep your fingers crossed.

UPDATE: My agency and the Attachment Center have both called and we have a plan. The therapist that came out will stay on but only as a Sexual Abuse Expert and the owner will be our AT. I am thrilled! We have heard from other families he is great. Everyone agrees we are better off finalizing this week all together instead of postponing it or just her. The county they are from is extremely poor and does not have resources available to them like the state does. Once we finalize the adoption we would pull from the state instead of the county. Our agency does not have to continue with us after we finalize but they have a policy to be here when we need them and they committed to working closely with us and our AT until we had this under control. I feel like things are moving forward even though we are scared to death at moments.

The *#it has hit the fan

We discovered some devastating things have been going on here. At this point we, are not sure what will happen with our oldest but the police and DFCS will need to have a full investigation probably this afternoon. Our new AT specializes in this and I am hopeful she can help the other children involved work through this. I am not sure if it is in the family's best interest for her to continue living here at this time. We reassured her no matter what she is a part of this family and we love her. My DH and I are still in shock. She showed no remorse, only embarrassment. I tried to help her understand this is not who she is, it is something she has done. I hope that sinks in. She has promised not to hurt herself or run away but I am not convinced she won't. This is going to change her life and ours forever but we have every intention of adopting her regardless of the outcome.

I know I am going to forget some things but here it goes in no particular order......

I took the kids to a Safety Festival last week and since you can't see their faces I thought I would post it. From left to right A, B, Emma, B's friend A, D, E, P, and my son A. They had a blast getting to climb all over the vehicles, getting tons of stickers and misc. goodies, free ice cream, hot dogs, and sodas, and building wooded fire trucks.


We found out we are losing our agency SW and Attachment Therapist. Both are taking new jobs for different reasons.

We have a tentative adoption date, October 18th. I say tentative b/c the court has not received our latest background check and due to a new state law we had to redo it after we filed but before court. It has taken up to 5 months to get them back in the past and I will be shocked and amazed if they get it in a couple of weeks this time. On top of that Michael will probably have issues due to his criminal background even though he has DHR approval he has things in his past that would get him denied if it wasn't for The First Offender's Act. Unfortunately, GCIC (who maintains the records of all person's in GA) works under a different law which prohibits them from removing it from his record even though it can not be used against him. Confused? I am sure the Judge will be too w/o all the info and that could take time.

We have put a plan in place for my son. The next time he is a danger to himself or others he will be placed into a Residential Treatment Center until he is healthy enough to return home. We have explained this to him and that no matter where he stays he still lives here and is a part of our family. He has done VERY well for the last week or so and maintained control of himself while having his rages. I hope this is a turning point for him but I do not think he will be able to maintain forever. Fingers are crossed, though.

My friend with the tumor has had to terminate her pregnancy and move several hours away to her parents home. She is devastated by her boyfriend's inability to cope and his breakdown during all this.

My friend, Eve, had her baby boy and decided to parent him. On one level I am happy for her b/c I believe families should be preserved if at all possible. I worry how she will support both her children w/o a job or child support and she claims to not be feeling a bond with him. On the other, I am sad for myself and my children, we were really excited.

Emma's sisters are due to go back to their Gma's very soon as long as their Mother is not living there. Of course, she is and only claiming to be at her Gma's.


I have begun to be very strict and everything is black and white for my oldest even if it seems to be an accident. It is working! She really needed me to be exact and take all her control away. She rarely does anything really wrong so it was hard to nail her on anything and I found myself giving her the benefit of the doubt all the time. Now she gets a consequence even if it is more likely to have been an error and she is so much more respectful. I call her on everything and it is draining but the results are amazing.

Our new dog has very sharp teeth and has nipped the kids a few times when the kids are not being too smart. This has caused the kids to be covered in tiny scratches and a few large marks. The school has started to ask questions about them and even taken the girls aside to ask about marks on my son. He had a huge lark on his face from a rage he had and ended up with a rug burn under his eye and a deep scratch in his arm from the dog (we took him to the ER even though we were sure it was overkill). It concerns me they are having these conversations but I am covering my rear with our SW and AT. Everything is documented but this is also why we decided to put a plan in place for Michael.

We have been nominated by our agency to be The Adoptive Family of the Year. I am not sure what all this entails but I do know there will be prizes and a really fancy lunch with up to 1200 people. We are waiting for our invitation now they just called last week to tell us to be looking for it and that we had been selected. Sounds like fun.

Ruthie threw a fit the over the weekend in front of a neighbor kid and humiliated me. She started screaming like I was hurting her when I touched her hand. The poor kids was horrified and too scared to leave. I had to go down and explain things to his parents and I was so lucky that they were such good friends with our neighbor that has 15 kids. They understood as much as they could w/o actually parenting children with these issues. They have a daughter with special needs and did understand embarrassing fits.

I have decided to reveal my kids' new names and begin to refer to each of them by the new ones. We gave our children the choice of just adding our last name or adding a new first or middle to the mix. All were required to keep their original first and last name as middle names. Ex. Their original name was Jane Ann Doe they would be Mary Jane Doe Smith or Jane Mary Doe Smith. We didn't wan them to think or feel that who they were was changing or that they lost who they were when they were adopted as many other adoptees I know. Most of my kids had no idea they had a middle name before so it didn't seem very important to them to keep it. Five of them threw a fit about having to keep any part of their old name but we stood strong.

B- 11 is now B. Cyr (pronounced Sear) H. D. She asked for this name b/c it is my middle name and is my Gma's maiden name and she is being called by it not B

P- 9 is the only child that has retained her name, she only rearranged it b/c it is so unusual that people thought she was a pet or a boy (I will tell you after the adoption the name but it fits so well I am glad she chose to keep it) Marie P. H. D. She will continue to be called P.

D-8 also took my middle name it is just the one I shed at 18 when I changed my name legally to Cyr, she decided to take it in memory of my dear aunt that passed away since she has come to live with us. Ruthie D. H. D.

A-7 will be Michael A. H. D. after my husband. This was his request and it took us a bit to agree b/c it made me feel weird for his parents. He was so set on it our therapist suggested it would do more damage to him to refuse, kind of a rejection of him as our son.

The twins decided they needed 2 new names b/c they matched so well. LOL

C-5 will be Ella Mae C. H. D. Mae is for my Gma and Ella is from the Disney movie Ella Enchanted, she claims she is a princess now. We actually call her Smella for good reason.

A-5 will be Ava Ann A. H. D. Ann is a family name on my side (My Mother, sister, and niece) and is my DH's Mother

Emma is adding her original name back on her birth certificate as a second middle name but is still being called Emma Jane b/c she couldn't remember who Alyvia was when it was called. LOL All the other kids quickly picked up their new names over the summer and the school agreed to use it.

Things have been difficult but I have tons to blog about when the kids go to school............

Pictures

I figured out the picture thing! Only problem is getting a decent photo from my phone because I can't find the cord to my digital camera. Be patient, many more pictures to come.

A Room, An Evil Mom, and A Sick Friend

My son was a freak yesterday. He weighs less than 40lbs and managed to pick up and toss over his entire bed in a rage. He pulled his dresser, table, and benches over and threw all his other things in a pile. He has a favorite Spongebob night lite and he took it by the cord and swung it until it shattered then threw all it's pieces at us. We have no idea what got him going but before he completely flipped out he slapped and punched Emma. She was quick enough to get hers in before he ran off to his room. SHe was upset but really proud that she reacted so quickly.

My son told a neighborhood kid over the weekend that I was evil because I held him to the floor until he cried all the time. WOW! The poor neighbor kid was shocked and I am sure she ran home to tell her parents. It is true, though. I do hold him to the floor and I do it until he cries (shows any emotion but rage). I am not evil, he is possessed when in a rage. I let him know it truly hurt my feelings and he needs to watch what he tells people about other people. I see a real issue on the rise with this.

A friend of mine is in the hospital, they discovered a brain tumor and are doing emergency surgery in a few hours. It is not certain she will survive and if she does what condition she will be in b/c of the location of the tumor. She has chemo and raditation to look forward to if she does. She is 28.

Sick and Old

We did go yesterday and all went smoothly. I think my attorney thinks I am an idiot because she repeats everything to me slowly. Last time she was critical of the kids behavior. Hello Lady, the kids have a horrible past dealing with the courthouse and nothing good came come from being there. Why wouldn't they be acting up? Made sense to me. All we have to do now is get our fingerprints done again and update our homestudy. No problem.

P has been sick for 2 days. She started throwing up in the middle of the night and I was upset she woke up the dog telling me her throat her. I felt horrible when I heard her crying and wretching. I ran in there to help catch it before it hit the floor. What is wrong with me, the dog has peed on the floor now so let the puke hit the floor. She has been miserable laying on the sofa and so sick she didn't hear the other kids get up and go to school. She woke up frantic that they had overslept b/c I was on the other sofa passed out after being up all night.

I found out from her sister, D, that she had gotten in trouble the last afternoon she had ridden the bus home. She had been trying to be funny with the 2 ladies on the bus and called one an old lady. The bus driver had her move up front and wrote her up. I understand that name calling is rude but in our house "Old Lady" is not bad. It is something you strive to be. It is said teasingly and lovingly. I call my Mother, The Old Lady, of course, I also call her other things to my sister but my child doesn't know that. Anyway, P was trying to be funny and this lady was upset. Why is old a bad thing? It just doesn't seem fair. Well, I forgot to mention in our house crazy is normal, that could be part of the issue, too.

Filing the Petition

We are on our way to file the Petition for the Adoption of our children. I am so excited.

A Night Out

Emma went to spend the night with her 3 sisters (not the ones that live here, her natural ones), Nana, and her Mother. She was so excited to go and I was thrilled for her. She barely knows her sister Kendalyn and really needs to get to know her. I am sure she will be filthy and in need of a healthy meal after running around outside and eating tons of junk food over there. (I am sure she would have been fed good food but she insisted she needed to bring snacks for them) She only called 2 times this visit. I am waiting now for another call when she wakes up.


We took the other kids out to a dollar movie and saw Surf's Up. Does it matter that the grown ups liked it more than the kids? It was very funny but several of my kids fell asleep. They filled up on popcorn and passed out.

The puppy is ruining my life. OK, maybe that was a bit dramatic, he is just ruining my new carpet. I must admit in here but never to my DH, he is a cutie. He has been sleeping on my DH's side of the bed and last night he kicked him repeatedly and barked in his sleep. I can't wait until he grows too big to sleep there. Our last Dogo used to squeeze between us until he could reach his head up to my pillow. He would do this very slowly until he was comfy and I would wake up with his dog breath in my face. Have I mentioned I am not a dog lover? DH is exhausted and complaining about getting up in the middle of the night to let him out. Boo Hoo, Buddy Boy. I have gotten up every night for the last year with our new kids and he sleeps right through it. I really have no sympathy for him.

Kids are really enjoying their new playroom. Every minute they are awake they are down there. I am only regretting that it took so long to finish it. I am trying to get some pictures to post, please be patient.

Another Family Member

Well against my better judgement we are getting a dog. I am not happy about this in the least but I was outvoted by every other member of my family. Personally, I think I should be the only one that counts b/c I will be the only one taking care of this beast. I am home all day while they are at work and school, why is it that I am being forced into this.

He will be delivered to the airport tomorrow and my DH will be driving the hour to pick him up. Every one here is thrilled to death about his arrival. He is an Argentine Dogo. The only good thing about this breed is they do not have any odor. That is a huge thing to me b/c every dog we have had besides a Dogo smell so bad I get headaches. They are very large and white. They look like huge Pitbulls but are pack dogs, actually boar hunters. They are very easy to train and smarter than a German Shepard. They are protective but only if you are in danger and are friendly if you know the person. They read their owners very well and are great lap dogs if you had a giant lap that is. I am sure I will have tons to post later about this subject.

The Playroom

The check came this week and is already spent. It is so sad to have that kind of money just go so easily. The kids needed school clothes and we spent a fortune on finishing the basement for them. Today we will haul all of their toys down there and they will be let loose to play. I have provided them with tons of storage for all the little goodies they have and room to grow on. I am hopeful I can teach them how to put everything back in it's place. OK, truth be told, I know this place is going to be a wreck but at least it will be in the basement so company can't see it. LOL

I try to post pictures later with my DH's camera phone so don't count on a clear photo. We did the room in primary colors to match the crazy pattern on the commercial grade carpet that was left over from a JumpZone my DH built. It is very kid friendly and wild. The walls are all bright colors and are yellow, orange, and green. We are using accents of red and royal blue. I painted one entire wall in black board paint and set up a mini classroom for them to play school properly. The other end of the room has a sectional sofa, TV, XBOX, VCR, DVD player, and all the movies. I have 2 cameras and a hand held color video monitor with sound that we are installing to keep an eye on them. All the other wall space is now shelves for storage. I really can't fit another thing in there to hold toys. I will be decorating the walls with their artwork that I have saved and framed. Every one that has seen it wants to be a kid again.

Jensboys

I can not log on or figure out a way to log onto SofA. It keeps coming up as banned and that I am a stinking spammer. Help me! I am starting to have tremors from lack of contact.

I sure hope you still read my blog otherwise I may be banned forever.

My Son is Losing Control

My son has gotten progressively worse since school started back. He embarrassed his sisters and I at the OT Clinic yesterday and trust me that is difficult to do at this satge in the game. I am just tired of restraining him. He needs to be held and will go to great lengths to get me to do so.

I contacted the school for the 2nd time about having a meeting to meet his SID (Sensory Integration Dysfunction) needs. His teacher, I am sure by her reaction or lack of, thinks I am a crazy person and tried to put me off on the Assistant Principal. I was pleased b/c I have met her and she is aware we have special issues. I called her and she jumped right on board. She is willing to put together an emergency IEP meeting and see what they can do to help. I think I am going to have a problem with implementing the sensory equipment in class b/c his sensory issues do not effect his education which is part of the requirement. It is however destroying our family so hopefully they will be sympathetic.

My goal is to discuss this issue and a possible move to a contained classroom like his sisters. He is currently pulled out of 1st grade for the maximum time in a Resource class. He is 7 yrs old and can not recognize any Sight Words, most of the alphabet, or any of their sounds while he watches Emma read and she is a year younger. This bothers him b/c they are in the same grade and his younger sister by 2 years is catching on faster than he is. My feeling is all this is having an effect on his behavior and self-esteem. I want my son to succeed.

Our Agency Saves the Day

I love my adoption agency! They have been so supportive and today they topped their best efforts. Still no news about the Adoption Assistance check so I called to tell my SW that our van was dead and I can't make any of the appointments until I get our money to fix the van. It was not a threat, I thought I needed to let them know I can't do OT, PT, Speech, or any of the other doctor appointments this week. Get this.....they GAVE us money to fix the van. I was shocked, I told them it wasn't necessary and they insisted. I was just trying to cover my rear and they really stepped up. This is not something little either, $1500. I am so thrilled to have my van towed tomorrow and hopefully be fixed quickly. Without them we truly couldn't have fixed the van.

I have the most annoying cricket screaming for a mate outside our front door. The darn thing can be heard across the house. Last night it woke Emma up and she had to crash on our floor, again.

Poor Girl

Emma had a friend spend the night for the first time. It was actually the first time for anyone except family to spend the night with any of my kids. It was a real eye opener, let me tell you. A lot of my kids wear pull ups at night due to their past abuse and possibly the smallest bladders in the world. We have made them feel good enough about them that they completely forgot every thing I said when I asked them to change for bed. That part is not unusual (forgetting every thing I said part) but them coming down in just their pull ups was a bit uncomfortable for the girl. They were prancing around in them when she came out of the bathroom and was shocked to see so many big kids nearly naked. Coming from a small household she was already overwhelmed but holding it together. She was completely confused why they had them on and my kids started telling her that they wet their beds every night and they wear them b/c I make them do laundry. What? She just couldn't wrap her mind around the laundry and bedwetting thing, how did they go together? I heard her asking Emma if it was like this all the time in here and Em told her, "No, they are just being good for you."

Poor girl barely ate a thing. She is extremely picky with food which is not something we an issue with anymore. My kids were shocked that she would just throw food away instead of giving it to them and she couldn't believe they wanted her food. She is used to getting what she wants to eat for each meal. This was like stepping into The Twilight Zone for her. She said it was fun and wanted to come back but I would love to be a fly on the wall at her house when they ask her how it was.

A Bit of a Meltdown

Well, my son had a hard time last Friday and did very well over the weekend. He has had a hard time every day after school but able to keep it together and not hurt anyone.....until today. He was told if he sat down and did his homework in a timely manner he would be able to join his Dad at work with a couple of the girls while I took everyone else to OT. He was excited and sat right down. I walked away for less than a minute and he was flipping out b/c Emma was finished with her homework and announced she would be able to go. My son had to write, no copy, 10 simple spelling words. He is fully capable of copying these words, he has done this many times. It ended up being a big ordeal and of course he was unable to go with DH. He had to be carried out to the car and strapped in several times before he decided to stay.

Once we got to the OT's office he had calmed and seemed fine. Three of the girls needed to go to the restroom, this happens every where and every time we go out. I walked them to the bathroom andstood in the hallway between the restroom and the office. I heard someone crying and realized it was him. He was laying on the floor bawling. I asked him to come into the hall with me and he refused and began kicking and screaming. In the hall it turned into an all out tantrum. He threw his folder at me and and ripped up all his paperwork. When the girsl were done I tried to escort him back in and it ended up in a restraint to protect me. He had started hitting, kicking, and scratching me. He laid there for 20 minutes and started crying. I held him for another 20 minutes in a cradle like position that usually helps. His OT thinks it is SID related, I am not so sure. Maybe. I do know he hasn't been like this in a long time and once school started he has needed to let it go again a couple of times.

Money

I know I mentioned that we were waiting on our Adoption Assistance to be sent a while back. It still isn't here! Everyone is pointing their finger at the kids' CW for not doing the original paperwork correctly and then failing to send it to the regional office for filing. Fine, but where does that leave us? Waiting for a check that may or may not have been written for June, July, August, and soon to be September. We can easily afford Emma but adding a sibling group of 6 added a financial burden that we can't maintain for long and on top of that b/c they didn't mention a delay would happen once we signed so we didn't save up for it. Instead we over extended ourselves in a new house in need of lots of repair and school starting. Shame on us for trying to provide a better house and life for all of us.

The latest on this is the Regional Adoption Coordinator (RAC) is investigating where the correct paperwork is. She emailed the kids' CW on Friday and has not updated us yet. I hate to tell them off b/c they are the ones in charge of getting us our money but I am livid. Everything has gotten behind now and we are in a pickle. I need that check this week! Somehow I do not htink my screaming that will help. I am trying to be patient but I am now calling my poor SW every pother day to see if she knows anything. My DH is freaking out b/c his new position only pays him monthly now so we are really in trouble. Once they fix this it should not be a problem again, it is just getting it started.

Push, Push, Push

P's teacher called this morning and I missed the call. She left me a message that she would call this afternoon so I was nervous all day waiting. Turns out 2 girls from another Special Ed class that walk with her to Music pushed her repeatedly. She did a great job controlling herself and told the teacher. She was happy to know the girls got a U in behavior for the day and a note to their parents. Then she goes on to tell me P told her that a kid named Mathew in her class likes her. The teacher is concerned about her giggles and that she has misunderstood this other boy. I agreed that was entirely possible given her history. When I talked to P this afternoon she claims this child told her, "I have a crush on you." Seems pretty normal for a 10 yr old boy, right? I warned her that at 9 she does not need to be holding hands or kissing but that it is normal to like being liked and to like boys. She blushed and denied liking him back. Yeah right, I was born yesterday. She talks about him every day.

D came home and said another child spit on her and hit her. I don't know if I believe her for sure b/c it came when P was getting attention for her incident. She said the teacher sent a note home to their parents.

I am noticing more and more that B avoids affection from me. She walked right up to my DH last night to hug and kiss him but ignored me completely. After she went upstairs to pick out her clothes for school she tried to argue with me about another child's clothes. I had to remind her I was the Mother and what I said was law for the millionth time. SHe is so disconnected to me that it makes me sad for her. I hope we are able to help her past this, she deserves to feel love. In the meantime, she is driving me crazy on purpose and hiding my frustration is difficult but very important.

Waiting

At the last possible hour my oldest and DH decided the didn't have anything to wear tomorrow and I am expected to stay up and be sure the load of laundry is dry. Yes, it can't just be put in the dryer, I must be sure it gets dry. My dryer has been freaky since we moved here and only works when it feels like it. It can go through thte entire cycle is done or cut off randomly through the cycle.

I am not happy about htis byt I am thrilled about why I haven't done any laundry all weekend.
We have had a great weekend. DH took us to breakfast at Waffle House. Yeah!! He then had to go to work for a bit so we took my son to get his hair cut. The lady cut it WAY too short, the good thing is it will grow back and he hasn't a clue. We were able to meet DH later at the pool for a much loved swim.

The best part of the weekend was no one got in real trouble. We had so much fun and everybody behaved. Everyone took their meds w/o complaint, did their chores, worked out fights w/o tattles, and smiled. I am so happy my kids are becoming happy, fun people to be around. Isn't that what a parent is to do? Make their kids likeable and happy. I must be doing something right.

Speaking of family, my DH's Paternal Gpa died a while ago, maybe 2 months or so. Anyway, we got a call today that his aunts and uncles that have had nothing to do with DH basically his entire life want him to have the small inheritance that his Dad would have received had he not drank himself to death. Keep in mind it really isn't much but to them it would be a lot. We have decided to spend the money on a special quick trip with the kids to see the ocean. I made the suggestion to DH b/c he never had those growing up and he always dreamed his Dad would come and do family type things with him. Every time we think about the first time most of our kids saw the ocean was with money from his Father's family. In a round about way, he will have a fun memory of his long lost family.

So now I am trying to figure out where we should go. I love St. Augustine Beach and he is thinking Panama City Beach. His is cheaper and mine has less drunk teens even though it will be after peak season. We are thinking of taking a long weekend in the middle of September.

(My dryer just shut off again for no reason. AGGHH!)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, Wait a Minute Who are You?

I took the kids to McDonald's this morning to play and have breakfast. They were so good and eating like champs so we headed to the indoor playground for a bit. We were stopped by a couple and their little girl to ask if what kind of program I ran. This happens ALOT. Emma recognized the little girl and ran to hug her. She was from her class at school. That sparked a whole new conversation as they followed us to the playground. They wanted to borrow Emma and when I offered to invite their dd over to spend the night sometime they were thrilled. They got to see how I parent first hand and kept telling me how impressed they were. They have not allowed their dd to spend the night out yet but were now very excited at the prospect of letting me take her sometime. They laughed and said they were really excited about Emma spending the night at their house b/c they could sleep past 6AM if their dd had a playmate to entertain her. They made sure to get my number and since they were almost salivating, I know they will call soon.

As we were sitting there other unattended children kept coming up to the table and sitting with us. That happens alot, too. I have no idea why but almost every time we are out other people's children flock to us. We have had them sit down and eat with us and realize we had someone else's kid. Some people really do not supervise their kids well in public. If I had one leave the bunch, I would know right away and I have 7. How is it possible they lose their kid when they only have 1 or 2? I could walk out of any fast food restaurant with additional kids and I swear their parents would not know until after I left the parking lot. It makes me so mad and yes, I have had 2 little boys get in our van and buckle up.

Day 4

I can see myself getting used to this alone time. I have already cleaned up the house and read all the blogs so I find myself with nothing much to do. I am enjoying it.

The kids are loving school and doing well so far. My son is already refusing to do his homework so I see not much has changed after all. Emma loves school so much she begged to go Saturday and Sunday. B has made a friend and is hoping to watch High School Musical 2 at her house on Friday. A only cried on the first day and is convinced she can find her way to her class even if she can't find her bedroom on a good day.

I am Alone!!!!

So now what do I do? Clean? Nap? Watch a movie? I am too pumped up for a nap, cleaning does not sound fun, and nothing on TV. I guess I will just sit here until they come home or the energy wears off and I can take that nap I have been promising myself. I can clean later. I have tons of that to keep me busy b/c I let everything go for the last few days trying to get prepared for school.

Emma's Mother called and wished her a good first day. Nothing else compares to her remembering. All her anxiety flew out the window when I handed her the phone.

This year I have 2-Kindergartners, 2-1st graders, a 3rd, 4th, and 5th grader. We have 3 buses that come to our house for 3 different elementary schools all starting at different times. The first bus was here at 6:45AM, the regular bus arrived at 8:05AM, and the 2nd Special Needs bus was here promptly at 8:25AM. Now why couldn't they organize themselves and all get here at 8:15AM for my convenience.

DH just came in and asked if this was what it is like when they leave for college. He is already counting the days, I am not. I am also wondering if we may better spend our money on a pole than save for college. Really, I am just kidding. I think most of mine are capable of college and it is expected that they will all attend some school after high school.

The Last Days

Kids are ready for school, shoes and supplies have been purchased. Since they do not understand time, they are very confused as to when they are starting. Someone asks me about every hour, "Do we go to school when we wake up?"

Michael and I took them to the pool today. They had a great time and it was so nice to bring DH. He misses alot due to the fact he has to work. I am so glad I do not have to be somewhere every day, answer to someone, or feel rushed to complete a task by a deadline. Wait, I do have a job and it doesn't end at 5PM.

It is getting better and better

Each day gets a little better. They are acting normal again. I think we will survive until school starts on Monday. Only a few more days!!!!

A has been weaned off her Prozac and is now crying for hours a day. She begged me to fix her last night. I emailed the P doctor this afternoon to request new meds be started before the next visit. I hope she agrees b/c I am concerned about school. This child has not attended PreK and this is her first real school experience.

My kids are convinced I need a job since they are leaving me for school. My oldest claims I have nothing to do all day and need to get out of the house. I am so gonna nap on Monday!!

A Great Day

We had a great day at the YMCA pool. The kids were well behaved and even played with other children appropriately. This is a real struggle for them, they do not know how to initiate play with others. I even met someone to talk to, not difficult b/c I always talk to strangers in public places. The only thing that happened wrong all day is I forgot to reapply the sunscreen 15 times and fried a few of the kids just under their eyes.

Almost all of the kids' teachers called and left messages about Orientation Thursday. I wish I had a moment to talk to them privately but it will have to wait. B is upset that she has a male teacher. I don't know how I feel about it, yet. On one hand, not another female that she can love more than me. On the other, she does not act appropriately all the time with males. This should play itself out pretty quickly and hopefully she will be able to learn that most males are not always out to get you.

What a difference a week can make. I am feeling much better, they are acting much better. This time last week I was a mess, frustrated beyond belief and desperately needing a break. I didn't get a break but we have hit the pool 3 times this week and they are too tired to realize they are behaving. LOL

We have one week until school starts and I am counting the days. They went to bed early tonight and will the rest of the week. I need to shop for supplies and new shoes but it will have to wait until later this week. We still have to see the eye doctor, one more physical, and pick up the dentist forms before Thursday. I have to do Orientation at 3 elementary schools within 2 hours and then go to an IEP meeting the same day. That is going to be a challenge to say the least.

I have had a few days to let the baby news sink in and I am feeling better and better about it. She is going back and forth but I am sure she is just scared that I am not going to help her out until she has the baby. I have no problem helping her until she has the baby and some afterward, I will not be able to parent her children full time, though. I am not sure what she is going to do.

This and That

Things are getting a bit better. I sat the kids down and told them I knew they were anxious about the adoption being postponed, new school, and the move. They talked about their feeling a little and have eased up with the obnoxious behavior.

We are still waiting to hear when our Assistance is to start. My agency is worked up about this and the fact I still have not received the paperwork to sign so how could they even write a check. They are going over the CW head and talking with the Office of Adoptions directly. My fingers are crossed we don't upset anyone and they get on the ball.

The Attachment Therapist had me sing to the kids this week. After we were done she laughed and said she wouldn't torture us with that again. I guess I am just that bad.

My kids are bugging about High School Musical 2. It is Zac this and Zac that. Thank goodness the funk is lifting b/c this is enough to push someone over the edge. LOL

School starts on August 13th. I can't wait, we are all counting the days.

I think my friend, E, is going to parent her baby boy. She seems to be starting to have doubts and while I had hoped this would happen all along, I am sad. I am currently babysitting her child 5 full days and nights a week and am her only babysitter. I am not sure I will be available to babysit both of her children long term, it is not helping her learn to be a better parent it is just making me the parent. I am more than willing to help her until she can no longer work and then while she is in the hospital but I can not do this after that. I hope she understands. There is no reason she can't parent this child, lots of kids have just one parent or grow up w/o alot of extras. DH is feeling relief, he was worried about how much fun we wouldn't be having at Disney World. He said he would grieve after that, LOL.

That reminds me, still no takers for Disney World? Are you scared? We don't bite, well, not others at least.

I am officially in a funk. I am stressed to the max and there seems no end in sight. I have found myself yelling and I actually slammed a door today. My DH is driving me up a wall and the kids are here constantly until school starts in 2 weeks. I need to figure out a way to keep control of my emotions. It doesn't help that it has rained for a better part of a week so we can't go outside or swim.

P, D, and A were told not to play with the lotion this AM several times and DH caught them rubbing each others legs up by their privates and they jumped and hid when he just walked by. Gee, you think they were doing something wrong? The three were told to go to the fireplace and sit. They put their heads down and refused to look up so I told them to go up to their rooms to get a better attitude and clean them while they were there. P sat in her room and let D do the work, this is typical. I hollared up for them to come down and help take a few light things to the new baby's room and P acted like she was in slow motion. It is so annoying when she does it so I tried to motivate her into moving faster but instead she repeatedly threw herself on the steps pretending I pushed her. She does this every time she is upset, anyone near her has shoved her or hurt her in some way. She got out of helping but what she did not expect was losing her swimming privileges for the rest of the week for acting like that. She is currently in her room kicking the floor and screaming she hates me. She has put stickers all over the back of her door and thrown all her clothes around the room. I expect this to last the rest of the day, I hope she chooses to eat but she usually will not just to "get" me.

Sometimes It Sucks Having SO Many Kids

We have had alot going on with Emma's birth siblings this week. Basically we got a call in the middle of the night that her youngest sister was in the hospital and DFCS was taking both the girls into care. Em's Mother called screaming and begging for me to come deal with the CW and get the girls. I went. Everything was set for me to take the girls home with me and they realized I already had 7 kids (I did not mention Mia) and were concerned it would hurt our current adoption. After much discussion I began to search for Emma's birth Great Aunt that adopted her other sister to see if she could come get the girls. SHe did and now I am concerned it was a mistake for several reasons. The Aunt has always tried to "get" the girls and she has tried to close an open adoption. SHe has already had her daughter (my childhood friend) to get the scoop to figure out how to manipulate this situation and keep the girls.

On top of this, Em's Mother has gone back to the boyfriend that is the very reason the kids were removed from her care. I am very disappointed and frustrated with this choice. It is not the first time she has made the choice to go back to him regardless of the consequences. She had spent a night here with Em and had to leave to speak to the police about the case but promised Em she would be back the same day. She has not returned and called only once late at night to let me know her plan of returning the next day. Emma is hurt and there is not much I can do. I have tried to be as honest as I can about the possibility she will not see her for a long while. On a better note, her uncle is trying to reconnect with us b/c for the first time he sees how much I am willing to help his sister and how much he has missed out on with Em.

At this point, there is an investigation going on with the Gma, Mother, and Boyfriend. It looks like the girls will be in care for quite a long time. They could possibly file charges not only against the boyfriend but both the women for child endangerment. The Mother and the Boyfriend were not allowed to be alone with the girls and she had actually allowed them to move in and babysit while she worked. This does not sit well with DFCS.

I feel guilty for not being able to take my daughter's sisters. If the Aunt keeps them, my daughter will not have any kind of a relationship with them. All I can do is hope she can maintain until we finalize and then she gives up so we can get the girls here with us. She is not a stable person and the girls will feel like a burden to her. She is very dramatic and needs constant attention even going so far as to threaten to kill herself so her daughter will come babysit. I was originally told this would be a few days and now that is not true.

We are Going to Disney World

The kids' CW came today. She is a nice lady but way overworked. She forgot the forms we need to fill out to have our Adoption Assistance start. We have gone a couple of months now waiting for it to start since we signed the Adoptive Placement papers. She assured us that it would be retroactive and should begin the first week of August! I am thrilled, if she is correct. Unfortunately, being correct is not her strong suit. We decided tonight that since we have made it w/o the AA, by the skin of our teeth, we would use the extra money to visit Disney World again this Thanksgiving. Talk about fun! Anyone else want to meet up there? Come on, we get passes to go up the exits so there are no lines.

BB, we would love to pick you up at the airport and the villa has a private pool and jacuzzi.

The P Doctor and a Couple of CWs

We went to the pshychiatrist this AM for P, D, and A. She decided to take A off the Prozac b/c all her irritating little habits have been amplified. We are not sure if it is the drug or the stress they are all under with the move, new school, and adoption but better to take her off the medicine than beat her. (I wouldn't beat her but I sure understand the want to.) She is getting about 25 time outs a day for various things like stealing and breaking things that belong to her siblings, refusing to stop jacking around, flushing things down the toilet, hitting, etc. All are minor infractions but there are so many. The minute she s out of sight you can guarantee she is up to something. SHe has also complained it is hard to think. I am not sure if she will start another drug next month or not. I hope the daily crying doesn't come back but I am pretty sure it will. Oh goody!

My agency CW came out today. The CW we have had all along has left and will begin a teaching job soon. Our new one is Katie and she is the same worker we trained with so it is nice not to have a stranger. The kids are out of control when she is here. Most have overcome theri need to hump a stranger's leg but 2 were inappropriately behaved today. They treied to tickle the intern with our CW within a minute of my departure from the room. The rest were wrestling on the floor and one ogt hurt. I teased Katie that it happened under her supervision. I must admit it is disapointing to know they still need me to be right there in order to be safe with strangers. They are getting better, no humping.

The kids' CW will be coming tomorrow. Now that is gonna be fun. She makes me nervous. She upsets the kids b/c she is a reminder they are still in fostercare. I fully anticipate several meltdowns the rest of the afternoon. If these kids are good at one thing it would be tantrums. They last for hours and hours. They will wear themselves out before coming out of their rooms for air. It is very impressive and sad at the same time.

They are Eating Me Outta House and Home!

I am not sure where they put all the food! We ate a late breakfast and they are already complaining about lunch. This morning I served 2 loaves of toast with fruit spread, 15 bananas, and 2 very large jars of applesauce. They claim to be starving just a few hours later. LOL

Just to give you an idea of our meals, last night we had Taco Salad. We used 3 large bags of spinach, 2 cans of each black beans and corn, 4 cukes, 4 large tomatoes, lots of shredded carrots, 2 containers of mushrooms, large jar of salsa, large container of sour cream, and 2 bags of tortilla chips. They were hungry an hour later and begged for fruit before bed. You would swear I do not feed them but they eat until they are full at a meal and need more later. Go figure.

I just saw a post on another blog about Virtual Public School. Our state just joined and I wonder how this would work for us. Maybe not this year but next for a few of my kids might be nice.

Where is a camera when you need one. I went upstairs to wake up my DH for breakfast and noticed when he got up to go find shorts to put on that he had his cell phone already clipped to his underwear. I swear that man is so dedicated to his job that he actually slept with the cell phone. I did tell him that most folks put it by the bed.

The other day my son had to be taken to his room b/c he had gotten so out of control. While on the steps he decided to try to kick me down them. I barely caught myself and ended up landing on my right foot and right hand wrong and I think I may have fractured them both. I will be going for X-rays today after putting it off thinking it would get better. He apologized but it did not feel genuine. I think it made him feel powerful and I am going to beg not to wear a cast so it doesn't add to that power.

My medication situation is getting better. Well, I think it is, I really don't remember. LOL I have been waiting to be in bed to take it and my DH says I am staying there.

Kids are playing school today. All day. Well, in between fighting that is.

The doctor increases my son's Risperdal and we go back on Monday to discuss the girls. He has gained 2 lbs in a month, WOW. He was only 40 lbs to begin with so we will be watching that. I am concerned about A's reaction to Prozac. She has become very difficult to deal with in terms of her not following directions, paying attention, and doing some pretty unsafe things. I did mention it to the doctor the other day and she was concerned.


My kitchen counters are coming along. They are gorgeous and when I can I am so gonna post a picture so everyone can be jealous! My DH has so much talent in building things and fixing things. I am so lucky I decided to keep him. LOL

I sent a letter today to a dear childhood friend of ours. We recently found out he plead guilty to pending charges and received 2 life sentences plus 20 years. He has spent the last year and a half or so in jail waiting on this to go to court. We have been friends since I was 10 years old and worked for my DH for years as an adult. We all could have ended up where he is had my DH and I chose to continue the path we were on in our teens. It is so upsetting to realize he did not chose to better himself and watch him struggle with a Meth addiction in his 30s. His girlfriend has ended up in jail now, too. They are losing their kids to fostercare b/c their family refused to continue caring for the kids long term. I know he deserves to be where he is but every time I think about the cycle of his life I wonder what could have been done to save him from the same destiny as his Father.

We have finally bought a new bed for our little Mia. She is here so much more than she is at her Mom's house so she needed one. She had been sleeping in a sleeping bag and she loved it. When she saw the princess bed she screamed and asked to go to bed at 6PM. Really cute kid!

Before 4PM

This summer I made sure to leave Mondays open for errands and non-regular appointments. I had scheduled us to enroll D in her new school, go to C's new school and fill out another transportation form, get the tags for our cars, and come home to a lazy afternoon. The kids had another plan.

Went to get tags, kids were fussy but good so we went to McDonalds for a late breakfast and to play. It was down hill from there. On the way to the first elementary school (so far I have kids attending 3 different elementary schools which I will complain about later) P, A, and D thought it would be funny to pour some nasty drink left over from yesterday on my son. He hates to be dirty or wet and began freaking out. He jumped over the seat, while we were going down the road, and punched P and D. I can't blame him but we do not allow ANY violence to go unpunished. He cried for at least 20 minutes until he could change his clothes and wash himself off. We had to wait then for the kids in trouble to get a grip and off we went to the school. They pouted but I can appreciate a good pout vs. a rage any day. They managed to hold it together long enough and we headed home.

Once here they really let it all hang out. D, P, and A had to clean out the van. This took an hour for no apparent reason. My son cried on an off during this time and threw several toys. I have no idea why and he pulled it together when Emma asked him to play. B refused to get off her lazy rump to use the restroom and peed herself. My MIL called and asked if anyone could spend the night so C went outside and bragged to the girls cleaning the van that they could not go. This caused all work to stop and rages to begin. First was P. The usual I hate yous were thrown at me and she broke a few toys. Next was A. She is sneaky and decided to wipe boogers on some toys and dump the trash in the kitchen on the floor. C and D took markers upstairs and broke them then colored all over themselves. C told on D thinking I wouldn't notice her. D went down in a rage that lasted over an hour and included me being hit, kicked, scratched, and pinched. She always threatens me with telling the "cops", hating me forever, and I'll never be her real mom. This time she knocked over an antique school desk I got from Santa when I was 8 yrs old, threw a plastic box at C and busted her lip, smashed in Emma's doll's face, ripped her shirt, hit and scratched herself so the "cops" could see how I abuse her, and threw herself at the wall. The only thing that calmed her was my MIL showed up. My kids are so good when others are around. I have no idea how they go from 60 to 0 in seconds at the thought of being caught. If only I could carry around someone in my pocket for the tough times.

My DH called in the middle of D screaming and having to be held to the floor to protect her siblings from her. It still shocks and surprises him to hear them like that. I know he understands what they are capable of but I think he still wonders if I am doing something to provoke it. He asked if she was ok, not me. That hurts a little today. The kids are doing so much better but I am still assaulted by someone physically on a daily basis. When is someone going worry about how they treat me instead of how I treat them. They are not abused, I am. They are not screamed at or told they will never be enough, I am. They are held and kissed and comforted when they calm down, forgiven for every sin no matter what. I am the one taking all this crap from them, when will it be enough? Probably never. I am not giving up no matter how hard they try to get me to. This day was nothing unusual, a typical day. They are gonna have to try harder to get me to hate them tomorrow, I am sure they will give it their all. I wish they could see how much more fum life would be if they just let me in a little.

Drugged Dialing

I have struggled with undx insomnia since I was in my early teens. It comes in waves that usually last a few months but in the last 10 years it was more on than off. It is not unusual for me to have less than 4 hours of sleep a night and the worst thing is I am so tired while I am waiting to fall asleep I do not get anything done. If I was productive I would probably not have sought medical attention.

Fast forward to this past May, after getting really sick a few times since the kids got here I felt I needed to do something about my immune system. The doctor felt it had a great deal to do with lack of sleep. I began taking Lunesta. It was fantastic. No drugged feeling and a horrible taste in my mouth so I didn't eat much. After a month, I had a few nights in a row that I did not sleep well and panicked. The doctor switched me to Ambien. I am concerned it is addictive and wonder if I jumped the gun on the Lunesta. Now I am having some issues with Ambien but not the same ones. Are you ready? It does not make me tired in the traditional sense and so I continue to walk around my house and tend to my chores and such. I make phone calls and post things online. I eat snacks and have conversations. I have no recollection of any of it.
I am not kidding. It is like I have a faint memory of a dream but no details. Things when brought to my attention may sound familiar but not really. I can not tell if it really happened or I dreamt it. This is not good!

I may or may not have spoken to Emma's Nana last night . Apparently, I am making alot of calls b/c I can see on my phone I also called my friend Debra. Now I have to call these 2 back and see what was said. How embarrassing is that? I really needed to talk to Em's Nana b/c no one called Em on her birthday Friday and they have never missed it before. Supposedly they are clean right now and I am concerned this has been jeopardized. Em's Mother, Grandmother, and Great Grandmother all struggle with Meth addictions and they are trying to raise 2 of her sisters. The Meth issue is pretty bad but they also have chronic Depression that is the real issue they can't work through. They all spend weeks or months in bed unable to function or deal with life. It is so sad and I have known for a bit they were on a downward cycle but there is nothing I can do. I see how hard it is on Em, I can't even begin to imagine what her sisters are going through.

My Brother In Law

I have had 2 of my nieces all week, they are 3 and 8. Their parents divorced last year b/c their Father had developed an addiction to Meth and their Mom found it when unpacking his suitcase from a business trip. Of course, there is more to it but that was the begining of the end. He has not paid child support or had any regular contact with his 3 girls over the last 2 years. With that said, he claims he has been clean for a couple of months (still no calls to his kids until this week) and is on antidepressants. He called my sister and requested an overnight visit. She wants the kids to see their Dad but doesn't trust him. I volunteered to supervise the visits at my house while they were here this week. He has excuses for Sunday and Monday. Tuesday he showed up a hour before they had to go to bed and wanted to take them to ice cream and then claimed his Mother was locked out of her house (he had her car and she was at home when he left) so the kids needed to leave with him to let her in. I refused b/c they were already up past bedtime and would just sleep the entire ride. Then he PROMISED to return the next morning to stay all day. Never came. Thursday he kept calling with excuses and promises but didn't show. Friday he calls at 11AM, 4 hours into our day and said he didn't have a ride. It was my dd's Bday and I had things to do so I couldn't. He showed up last night after 9PM and ended up sleeping on our couch disappearing without a goodbye to the kids. I am so disappointed in the man that was my brother for 12 years. Drugs or not he has let his kids down over and over, the girls are more than willing to love him no matter how bad he disappoints them.

My kids see how horrible this has been on their cousins and some of them are comparing their parents to him. All the promises and let downs are familiar. I think it will help launch a few discussions and maybe a break through for some.

AT and the Devil Foster Mom

My computer died for a few days so I was unable to get online and itching to do so. I have 10 kids this week and am needing a break from kids for sure. Two of my nieces are here and we have Mia (half sister to the baby we may be adopting) living her 5 days a week.

It has taken 14 months but we have begun. I really like the therapist and hope she is able to help us. She is pretty concerned about B, she has refused to speak or look up for 2 sessions. I am impressed with her staying power. B cried herself to sleep after the session yesterday even though nothing was even said. I guess it is exhausting staring at your fingers for 30 minutes. She was able to tell me she was mad at me for making her have therapy. That is pretty big for her, she never lets out any emotions good or bad. I think she will try next week b/c it is important to her to be the "good girl" and by not participating she feels like a "bad girl". Of course, all of this is in her head.

My son and D have done really well with the new therapist. They like the attention and since we have not gotten into the hard stuff they are happy to do what she says. I think the recent addition of Risperdal and Prozac are helping more than anything. If I would have known the difference in them, they would have started them a year ago. I tried so hard to avoid meds but in the end they really needed them. They are both struggling to control their emotions but rages are few and far between.

P is out of control lately. Her new favorite name for me is "Devil Foster Mom". Both devil and foster are supposed to be the getcha words. She is becoming so angry that I have had concerns for the other children and myself. She has tried to push me down the stairs along with hitting and kicking me. She spews her immature yet creative names at me with little or no response from me until two days ago. I am tired of taking the crap she really feels for her Mother. Anger and sadness are expected but I an tired of being abused by my children. When she screamed that I wasn't her real mother I responded she wasn't my real daughter but I loved her as much as if she were. I was not hateful, I know it sounds mean but it really wasn't. She screamed her real mother would never make her do chores or send her to her room for a time out. I responded, my real daughter probably wouldn't have so much anger that I had to protect her from herself.

Once she calmed, 2 hours later, we talked about the things she has been saying and how they make me feel. I hope I am not giving her more power to spew her venom but I think she needed to hear it. We talked about how I can tell she struggles to love me and her Mother and that she can love us both. I can love more than one child and she can love more than one parent. We are not in competition, we have different roles just the same name. She feels she is betraying her Mother and she is very angry at her parents. I made it clear she does not have to choose between us. She can not go home to her for her safety. She has asked me several times over the last couple of days if it is ok to be mad at her Mother and still love her. Progress? I hope. I am tired of looking over my shoulder before heading down the stairs.

Another Ultrasound

My husband and I went to a second ultrasound today of the baby boy that is due on October 5th. He is 26 weeks along and is 2.1 pounds. Everything is going along beautifully and both Mother and baby seem healthy. We are concerned about her smoking and previous drinking issue but I do not feel it is my place to state the obvious. I believe she has quit drinking but I know she is still smoking. She is gaining a ton of weight and does the glucose test in 2 weeks.

She is using my favorite OB/GYN at my suggestion and I was so proud today when they asked her about her intention to place her child for adoption. The doctor was very nice but asked some important questions about why and reminded her that her emotions were running high. She was supportive of whatever her choice is but offered to help her find services if she chose to keep the baby if it was a financial issue. She told her not to worry about backing out and she needs to really make the decision after the baby is born. My friend got a little angry and told her she sounded like me and she wasn't going to just string us along that this was a very hard decision she has been thinking about all along. She shared that she feels numb about the baby and he doesn't feel like her child. I spoke up and assured the doctor that this is a sticky topic for her and I b/c she feels the decision is made and I think she makes it after the baby is home for a bit. We completely support her in parenting or adoption. The doctor was a bit surprised we weren't just out for her baby and completely agreed with her. My friend thinks everyone is undermining her and they think she unable to make decisions of her own. She was able to think a bit more clearly after we left and realized she was just looking after her patient's best interest.

I have been keeping her daughter 5 days and nights a week for a month so she can work. Her job decided to close it's doors for the week with no warning and she is forced to keep her this week. It is an obvious stresser for her and she constantly is frustrated with the 3 yr old. I will pick her daughter up on Friday and return her on Monday whether she works or not. She needs a break. It is hard for me to relate to but I am trying.

Stupid People

On Father's Day my husband's paternal Grandfather died. We had already planned a trip to Arkansas to introduce the kids to both sides of his family the last weekend in June and due to the move we could not just up and go out there at the time. We went ahead with the scheduled trip this weekend and drove out with his Mom, Aunt, Cousin, and the kids.

Our kids, as anyone who has ever peeked here would know, have some issues. I am VERY rigid with doing all the care giving myself, bedtimes, appropriate behavior, and expectations. I asked my MIL to explain to her youngest sister these rules and how to react. This sister refused to go along with these and was EXTREMELY rude to me on several occasions. She took my son and Emma and insisted they ride with her. I can not legally let her b/c we have not finalized and she huffed and puffed about how stupid I was being. When I tried to respond, she walked off. Over dinner she snatched P to sit with her at that end of the table. I know she wanted her b/c P has really opened up with meds and is really personable, not to mention gorgeous. This woman managed to convince my MIL to take Emma, B, and P to Walmart and bought them all a bunch of candy and crap before dropping them off at the hotel.

We did not see her again until Sunday when I was determined to make nice and explain things myself. WOW, I was wrong! We were attending a family reunion and in front of 50+ people she repeatedly disrespected me and even began gossiping about me. My husband and MIL are very hard of hearing and missed everything. I was shunned from the group, I sat at the end of a table where everyone around me refused to talk to me. At first, I thought I was overreacting. I tried to talk to a few folks and they actually turned around and ate their food in their lap instead of sitting at the table correctly. She went around and told everyone I was mean to her and would not let her get to know my kids. If I hadn't had 3 kids with tummy aches and crying I would have dealt with the situation better, instead I just asked my husband to leave. This woman actually said, "Glad you got to see me !" to my husband as we were leaving and meant it.
Good things happened, I was promised we would never have to go back and my kids were great.
Our SW has decided to leave and her last day was Friday. We will miss her terribly.

We are in the new house

We have slept here for 2 nights. We began our move on Saturday by renting a 26 foot truck from Uhaul. That was the first mistake. As my DH pulled out onto the road his door flew open and he he almost fell out. I am grateful he wears his seat belt or he would be road kill right now. He proceeded to our old house and backed the truck into the drive. We loaded most of the truck and decided to make a run to the new house and later a second trip. We asked the kids to hand up some small stuff to my DH in the truck, our second mistake. A, C, my son, and I were behind the truck and DH and a buddy were inside the truck. The emergency brake broke and the truck began to roll down our drive and was picking up speed! My son jumped off the ramp and ran to the grass. C ran towards the house which was the same direction the truck was going and she was about to be run over. A didn't move off the ramp she just cried. I hopped up on the truck and tried to reach A, all the while screaming at C to go to the grass. The truck plowed into our old house and moved the wall about 3 inches and destroyed the garage door. I had to pull A out from under the garage door and we are very lucky to all be ok.

Uhaul kept us standing there for 6.5 hours with the promise of sending a mechanic. A tow truck finally showed up to tow the truck away with our stuff inside. It was extremely frustrating to be told they were on their way every time we called and no one showed up. They were rude and lied so many times we lost count. They did not return any of the times they promised to and we decided to just show up at the location we rented from and refuse to leave. That worked. They gave us another truck and we just unloaded the stuff from the other one. We still have much to do and much to move but for the most part we are in.

Carpet is in!! Cabinets are going in right now!!! We are moving this weekend!! I am so excited!!

Still Moving

As I type, I am am waiting the illusive carpet installers. They were supposed to be here several hours ago and take 2 days to install it. I am sure they will not be ready for our move in date of Wednesday. The kitchen is a wreak! My Dh has removed all the cabinets and rebuilt the flemsy bar. All of my gorgeous new cherry cabinets are in boxes in the garage. They are waiting to be installed and I am getting impatient. Most of the house is painted, I had to let the painters retire before they finished the kid's bath and the guest bath. They were so slow I could barely tell what they had done in a day. I love the warm earth colors we chose and the girls picked out a powder puff pink and florescent green.

The 4 younger children started soccer and cheerleading camp today. I am sure my son will charm the crap out of the coaches and beat the snot out of a few kids before the week is up. C will manipulate them into feeling sorry for her b/c of her CP and not do a darn thing all week. A Emma will be fine.

Several kids have started meds for the first time, ever. P, D, and A have started Prozac. They all have gone through some kind of a leveling off thing. They became aggressive and crazy before they have gotten better. It was very weird to have A and P acting like idiots in public. P ripped her shirt off and refused to get in the van one day last week. She got so out of control I had to tell her I was concerned about her mental health and if she didn't get a grip I felt compelled to find her other help. She screamed until she fell asleep, she has been pleasant since. D became manic and squealed with delight over the smallest things, she has become so much easier to be around. She is starting to laugh and be silly. She has not cried in several days which is nearly a miracle in itself. My son has started on Risperdal. It is supposed to make him sleepy but he laid in bed for a week struggling to fall asleep so I switched it to the morning. He was so weepy the first week which is not like him at all. His aggression has been slightly calmed but no where near what it should be. I am just thankful he is not crying all the time anymore.

More when I get the chance.......

The Wait

We have been trying to get the children's per diem corrected for a year. Today we got word they have done it!!! Our agency has kicked in a little bit of money for each child since they have been placed with us and we were really concerned it would go down after we finalized. We now know it will be increasing on top of that by about $500. All we wanted is to receive what every other adoptive or foster parent received and now we will. We are over the moon b/c this means we can sign the adoptive placement papers and get the release from the county. We will sign on Wednesday morning and we see our attorney next Tuesday to file the petition for adoption. This long wait is almost over.

I dropped off B, P, and D at cheerleading camp this morning. This is the first time they have ever been involved with any kind of sports activity and P was very scared. I can't wait to pick them up and hear all about their day.

We have scheduled our internet/cable/phone to be turned on at the new house this Wednesday. Problem with that is we will not be moved in by then and so I may not be back here for a week or so. I will update when I can.

The Change and a Photo

I was messing around with the options for this blog and figured out how to add an appropritate picture of the kids. I chose one that showed them all but not their faces. It was hard at first to figure out what to do. Chick filet here has a clown that visits weekly and paints the kids faces for free.

B is the Cheetah Girl on the top left. D is the one next to her on the top right.

A is the Pirate. C is a Dalmation. Emma is the one that has a clean face, she gets it on her arm instead. A is dramaticly painted on one side.

P is no where to be found b/c she doesn't like her picture taken.She runs off and hides.

Tons has happened here this week and none of it was packing! We have had to postpone the move in date, imagine that. The painting is not done, the cabinets are due to arrive on 6/4, and the carpet can't be done until the painting is done. We are hoping next week is the week to move. Anyone feel like packing?

D and P have both started Prozac this week to help them with their depression. P shuts down anytime she has to deal with something to the point she is not progressing with therapy. D cries all the time and does not function doing this. She also told the Psychiatrist she wished she was dead. Several of my kids say this but I am not sure they actually know what this means. A and A both see her next week and I am hopeful she can do something about my son's violent temper and rages.

The Attachment Therapist finally came out today and left fairly quickly saying we were too much for her. She is going back to her office to get her supervisor to take over our family. It is what we had hoped for but still, you don't like to hear we are too much. She thinks we need to have several different sessions going, some attachment, individual, and family therapy. Some will be at out home and the attachment will be in the office.

P flipped out last night and it was pretty scary. Her chore was the culprit. If only she did not have to do her share of the housekeeping, she wouldn't have to threaten me. HA!

School is Out, Let the Packing Begin

I have officially packed the Playroom. That's it. I will do the kitchen today and the bedrooms tomorrow. The rest is fairly easy and should go smoothly. I am throwing out so much due to the fact they have destroyed everything they have contact with. D had a fit this morning b/c I throw out their old homework. I only save things they make from scratch, it has to be a drawing or painting of sorts. I can not possibly keep all pictures they have colored or homework b/c it was a A. I felt horrible and at the same time they know the rule. She wanted to keep a picture she had colored of a chick, she did it at school when they were learning about the chickens they were hatching.

8 days and counting until we move.

Dinner and a Show

I went out for a fantastic evening with fellow crazy parents to discuss horror stories about our children with RAD. I drank a couple of margaritas and had my DH drive. We stayed out until 10:15PM and felt like teenagers coming in late. My MIL babysat and took them to Walmart for new shorts and a toy.

The attachment therapist never called to reschedule. I am a tad irritated with that.

Right now my kids are practicing for a pretend concert. This is such a normal thing to do at this age but this is the first time they have ever done it. I am so proud. Pretend playing is not a strong suit for them, we have had to teach them this skill. I am sure this feeling will wear off after a few of these shows.

M. A. D.

It is a little early in the game to have a definite name picked out but.....
Malcolm Alexander D%^&*(# is what my friend, my DH and I are thinking. He will be called Xander. My DH loves the initials and my friend's father always went by the name his initials spelled out so she really likes it. It is at the top of the list for now. I wish I knew how to post pictures of the ultrasound, maybe I will try later.

Some Good, Bad, and Expensive

Despite my best efforts the kids really irritated me yesterday afternoon. I think the end of the school year is really getting to them. My son went off for no reason what so ever. I had him smile before it got out of control but he insisted on pushing himself to the point of throwing everything off the many shelves in the playroom, throwing down the play kitchen and jumping on it, hitting 2 kids with his shoes, beating up a baby doll, and screaming for over an hour about how much he hates me. What did I do?

C, A, and P took my son's hair gel (yes, he is the only one that wears hair products in our house) and fixed their doll's hair with it. Then they decided to brush their baby's hair and used B's brush so they did not get theirs dirty. B was not a happy camper.

D dumped a bucket of muddy water on P and C for no apparent reason and melted down for an hour. She threw herself on the floor over and over. What is up with that? This child tries to hurt herself almost every time she gets mad. That is pretty scary, she could really hurt herself or leave marks and blame me for them. She has started to threaten to do just that which is why I made her stay in the living room while she chose to throw herself down.

Gosh, sure doesn't sound very positive does it? Let me think of some nice things to say about my little boogers.
B watched The Color Purple and can't wait to discuss it this afternoon. She is trying to get control over her negative attitude towards me and this is her way of finding things to talk about with me.
P is the first to get ready every morning w/o being reminded. She is becoming such a happy child.
D is doing much better at fixing her hair in the morning and is trying to present herself in a more age appropriate manner. She is becoming more aware of how dirty she makes herself and trying to clean up her act a bit.
A has picked out his clothes all week and has been ready for the bus. He has been giving me hugs and kisses all week.
Emma has not whined about getting up "so early" all week. She ate all her dinner last night w/o a word about it.
C has promised to work on her horrible attitude and seems to recover a little quicker for the last 2 days.
A is such a great helper with my niece. She loves to be the big girl and buckle her seat belt.

I went to court for the kids on Wednesday, it was their annual review. At the last minute I was required be there and had to make arrangements for some of the kids in the morning to catch the bus. I had to take the twins and my niece, they put us in a great little room with toys and a TV. The Judge called me into the courtroom and thanked us for keeping the kids together. He told me that he had hesitated in granting the TPR b/c he knew they would be separated when they were adopted. This is the 3rd generation he has dealt with this family and we were shocked to hear they have 3 registered sex offenders in their family. He tried to encourage us to stay the course with them and even though we were having such hard times it would all be worth it in the end. I promised we would adopt them all and make every effort to maintain some of the healthy birth family relationships. It was very moving for me and I found myself fighting back tears. I love my kids so much, sometimes it really surprises me given they care so little about themselves or others.

Two last thoughts, the Attachment Therapist cancelled at the last minute and C's new $2500 stroller will be delivered next Friday.

I Hate IEP Meetings

They suck really bad. I had thought I was immune to the issues I hear others talk about. I felt I had a good relationship with most of the teachers. I was wrong. The Spec Ed teacher works with P and A and has not properly done her job all year. There is no communication between us about her homework. In fact, she stopped bringing it home months ago never to begin again b/c the teacher just doesn't have it together.

SHe and I discussed on the phone a few weeks ago that both P and A needed to be moved to a self contained LD class. Then in the meeting she claims this can not be done. A needs to struggle harder in a regular 1st grade class next year and I am supposed to tell the new school that I want him moved. P will not be able to handle a 4th grade class due to severe issues with reading, she has only just begun. We have seen such huge progress with D in a small setting that I really think this is the answer for both A and P. The teachers all agree but claim their hands are tied. So their solution is to set my kids up for a definite failure and hope they address it properly.

I was handed the IEP to sign and I refused. I had explained in a calm voice for the millionth time, I completely disagree with this plan. They will be forcing my children to change schools again between 9 and 12 weeks after they start the new school. This is guaranteed b/c the new school does not have an LD classroom. My children do not do well with change, in fact, I had to really talk them into moving all b/c they did not want to change schools. I had to promise this would be it. They love the house and agreed.

I contacted the District coordinator for Spec Ed in my county and she knew right away what I was told was wrong. We had been told the reason they can't place them in an LD class is b/c their eligibility was EBD not LD. Children can not be cross placed. This is not true and the school has been improperly trained to believe this. This lady is working on a resolution meeting to clear this up. She was blown away at the idea of having my children after being tossed around in fostercare for 5 years were just to deal with their incompetency. I loved her! She said these children will be placed at day one in the proper class and school. YEAH!!

The Rollercoaster Ride on Mother's Day

Morning was great, kids got up and dressed so cute w/o any incidents. Emma and P wished me a Happy Mother's Day, that's it, nothing from the others until my DH insisted. I would not have said a word but it really upset him. We met my Mother, sisters, and MIL at a really cool cafe and enjoyed Filet Mignon Eggs Benedict while the kids had Buckwheat Pancakes with Fresh Raspberries. It was very good to say the least. Kids struggled at times to maintain but did well. C and D had to get some control over things as we left to cross a busy street and walk around the oldest cemetery in Atlanta, C stopped in the middle of the road and refused to cross. Most had a great time and I convinced them to keep an eye out for ghosts. They were so funny and careful not to step on anyone. After a bit we decided to head back to the van to go up to the new house and see the progress. (More on that later) C and D continued to be royal pains. B had a negative attitude, nothing new there. Things really escalated when we left the house in the early evening to get some dinner and head home. Emma asked to ride w/ Dh and then C did. C had been very poorly behaved and did not deserve the extra treat so she ended up screaming and throwing a lovely fit in the van. The neighbors came out to see what the heck was going on, great way to get to know the neighborhood, huh? SO off to dinner and more attitude and then the ride home. Dunn ta dunn....... C was still very mad and reached into her panties (she had a dress on so easy access) and stuck her finger into her vagina and wiped it on Emma. Yes, you read it correctly. She did this several times not just once, as if once was not that bad. Poor kids were yelling at her to stop and she was smiling this evil smile. Of course once she was caught by me, the tears fell like rain. After she raged for about an hour, she showered and raged a bit more until she slept. What a great day, one for the records.

Cheerleaders and Soccer

My agency is more than great. They are paying for my kids to go to cheerleading and soccer camps this summer. My kids have never been able to join any team sports or activities so this will be very interesting. My oldest 3 girls (B, D, and P) will be gone for a week to cheerleading camp each in their own group. I anticipate an issue with P and D. P is extremely shy and does not warm up easily or very well and D is not able to follow directions w/o lots of one step instructions. This will be great for them b/c they can try it for a week and decide if they like it. E and A will go 2 weeks later to cheerleading camp together b/c both are 5. My son and C (has Cerebral Palsy) have chosen to go to soccer camp. This will be so fun to watch b/c my son gets very angry and does not follow directions well and C runs hysterically due to her leg braces. I believe she will keep up for the most part but she will sleep very well at night. Too bad I couldn't coordinate them all on the same week. They are over the moon, they think they will be real cheerleaders after this one week of practice. Who am I to ruin it for them? Did I mention not one of my children has an ounce of coordination or rhythm in them.

My Birthday

Today is my 36th birthday. Not much to celebrate around here, no cards or cake. Just another day. Except for my brand new Fridge! I didn't think I would be so excited over an appliance but I am. It was a tough call between the stainless steel and black one. Then I found out the SS one can't hold a magnet, the kids would die if they couldn't cover the fridge with pictures. Can't have that now can we? The black ones are so much cheaper so I could afford an even bigger one. I am going tomorrow to look for new living room furniture. That should be even more fun.