The Ultrasound

It's a BOY! I am so glad that we may possibly be adding another boy to the mix. My son and husband were very happy when they heard and Emma was hoping for another girl so she can pick out more pink stuff. The rest just wanted to know what it was.

While we were waiting at the doctor's office A was with E and I and she made a weird comment. It took me a minute to understand, partly b/c she has such a severe speech issue and partly b/c it just did not make sense. She repeated it after E went in the back to have her blood drawn and I caught it. She said, "We have to hide the baby." After a few questions I figured out she thought E was having the baby right then and she wanted to hide the baby from the other kids when we got home to surprise them. Several of my kids say random things and I have to guess what the heck they are talking about. It is very strange and can be pretty difficult to figure out what is going on in their little minds. She was a bit disappointed to hear it will be months before the baby comes home. As a matter of fact, the due date was moved to October 5. It does not change the situation or the paternity, just a longer wait for all of us.

Another Day in the Life

I am back and had a really great time. The people were amazing, funny, and inspiring. They scared me and gave me hope for my children at the same time.

I flew into Chicago and rented a car to drive to South Bend, IN. My hotel was scary! Everyone else was ok with it but I was the one with the prostitute upstairs dealing drugs and up all night. I could hear everything and I was too scared to look out. The bed was as hard as a rock and I am used to a memory foam bed, not so much their fault but an issue for me. The first night I think I pinched a nerve and spent the rest of the trip trying to hide my severe back pain. Two of them were nice enough to escort me to the doctor for meds but I was afraid to take them b/c they make me tired and loopy.

Our lovely host has offered to do this every year and I am so looking forward to the next one. My dh really needs to join me next time.

I came back to a trashed house and the crap being literally thrown at me. I guess they missed me. My son and D have been throwing a huge fit since they stepped in the door and even hollered at the OT. They have changed my name to Mother Fucker and I am refusing to answer to anything else. The rest of the children have been renamed Asshole by them. I am hoping to take the sting out of the names and curse words by forcing them to call me that for a bit. I gotta say it is better than Fucking Cunt which is what my son preferred to call me for the last year every time he got mad. They can scream all night, shoot all week and the trip was still worth it.

E has an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow and I am taking her so I can find out if it is a boy or a girl. I know we will love and adore whatever it turns out to be but I sure would like to even things up a bit around here. Please let it be a boy!! A nice healthy boy that loves to sleep at night and eat all his vegetables. But I love all the pink stuff at the store so I guess I really don't care that much.

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane.............

Tomorrow!!!! I am going to meet some folks from my 2 favorite adoption forums for Mikestock! I can not believe I am going. I really can't believe I am spending so much money on myself. The kids had a therapy session trying to deal with my leaving for 4 days. I should worry about their feelings but I don't. They will all be fine. I have told them my schedule a million times. I have planed fun things for them to do while I am gone. Their father is here to take care of them and he is the fun one so I am sure they will all survive.

I have been really good to my DH, he will only have the older 3 girls over the weekend. My sister will be here when the kids get home from school both Thursday and Friday. The twins will be going to my MIL's tonight and returning Sunday. Emma and my son will be joining them Friday night for the weekend.

I will be completely out of touch!!!! I gave them the hotel number but I will not be there, LOL.

We Played Hooky

We are feeling better today but after the kids were all ready for school a couple complained of a headache again and out of nowhere I asked if they had ever played hooky. No one knew what it meant and so I explained it is when you stay home from school or work with no real reason but you hang out or do something fun. They just stared at me while I smiled. They can not read my emotions no matter how much I am smiling or frowning and I am beginning to wonder if they ever will. Anyway, I just said, "You can all stay home if you promise to help me out for a bit!" They got so excited. I made breakfast and got showered. I had them start to separate and bag up all the dirty clothes that have been building for the last few months (since I was so sick) to take to the laundry mat. Now that does not sound exciting but they had never been to a laundry mat and had no idea it was work. LOL I tricked them!!!! They did get to play video games while we waited and we hit the Mexican Restaurant a few doors down afterward so they did have a good time.

As we passed Babies R Us on the way home they begged to go in there to look for the new baby. I figured we had a bit of time to kill so we went in. We haven't purchased a thing for the new baby and do not plan on it until the last minute. I hate to pressure my friend with a room ready for her baby and at the same time I worry I am offending her. That is neither here or there. The kids are really excited and want to get everything now. We looked and discussed in great detail their preferences on a pack and play, crib, bedding, etc. They do not care what the baby is they all (except my son who was not there and is another story) want another girl. They want the nursery to be pink and pink and more pink. Pregnant woman and couples with new babies were all around us staring and began to approach us. We really draw a crowd at times and this was bigger than usual. I guess they couldn't believe we were having another. They were all really nice and the kids love the attention. They proudly announced they were having a baby and we were looking for stuff. This is one of the few times we were not discussing adoption as well. My kids are way to free with information and spread the word about adoption to anyone that will listen. They are so proud they are about to be a real part of our family very soon.

P just came in crying, she stepped on a wild lizard they had caught the other day and it is dead. She is mad because the kids are talking about it and they are making her feel bad. Truth is I am glad she feels bad, this is huge progress. My son on the other hand, was caught still playing with the dead lizard. GROSS! He seems to be escalating in the gross and nasty department, he has been torturing bugs and likes watch them die. I will be watching this very closely!

Time to pack for Mikestock!!!! Well, not yet but I want to pack everything now and wait at the airport for a few days for my flight.

Getting to to Know Each Other and an Admirer

I am still not back to normal but doing much better. I spent way too many hours at my friend's (potential birth mother's) extended family's home. I was complimented on my children's behavior and manners many times and I was so proud of them. Most of them were not feeling well but they really wanted to go and jump on the moonwalk. Her family was very vocal about their support of the adoption. Her cousin had placed her first born and has some real negative opinions about open adoption. Most think this is the best thing for her to do but seem to support her either way.

I met her husband for the first time and he was a lovely man. He obviously cares for her. He is not the father but will be required to sign the paperwork because he is her husband. He told her he would do whatever she wanted and we seemed like really nice people. He will be there when she gives birth and is not looking forward to seeing her in pain. I wish their marriage was more than a friendship and one of convenience because they do seem to care for each other just not in that way.

My son handled himself very well yesterday and is snuggled up next to me constantly because I am not feeling well. It is so sad to me that I ave to remind my children I will not leave them so often. It is very necessary and I do it now without even thinking but so sad is has to be this way.

My husband has an admirer. I am not the jealous type and he does not even see it. This is happened a few times in our almost 13 year marriage. It is always much older women and they just adore him. He never sees it, LOL. This current admirer is the last owner of the house we are moving to, he knows her from work. He builds commercial buildings and has to coordinate with the new tenants (her) to build out the space specifically for them. They have had to go over alot of things at work and about the house. She is a really nice lady but I could see this coming a mile away. She had her soon to be Ex there this weekend to move out the rest of his stuff and she was scared and wanted my husband there because he is 6'5" and about 275#. He is the most gentle thing but he looks really scary and mean until he starts laughing. Anyway, he was too busy and sent over one of his guys and she had a bed made up and told him to take a nap if he wanted. What? The house was almost empty and there was a bed made up? Take a nap? Poor guy called my husband and told him he was really uncomfortable and the Ex never showed so he was on his way back. This lady had set this up with my husband in mind. My husband still thinks it was just her being nice. He is an idiot! Thank goodness a faithful idiot.

I am Sicker Than I Thought

I took the kids to the pediatrician and she walked in and suggested I may have Scarlet Fever. What? That is a childhood illness! Not in my case. She did a culture on 4 of my kids and my niece and they all have Strep. She told me to run not walk to my doctor.

I took the kids home after I got their prescriptions filled and had my sister watch them so I could head to the doctor. Turns out the pediatrician was right. I have Scarlet Fever. He gave me a HUGE shot in the rear and an oral antibiotic. The best part is the humiliation I will feel meeting many of my online friends next week with my face, neck, and chest peeling. I will look like Reptile Woman or something.

I can't stop scratching and I look like I have been slapped a few times with a lovely white moustache. I am swollen almost unrecognisable. I look ridiculous and feel terrible. The worst part is my breasts itch so bad and how do I scratch them without looking weird. It is completely inappropriate to yank them out and go at em like I need to.

Sick Again

The kids have brought some horrible stomach flu virus home and of course they shared with me. How thoughtful of them. I have kids going down all over the place. I will be back as soon as we recover.

Mongoose, thank you for the Thinking Blogger Award! I will post my picks as soon as I am able.

The Aunt

It is so funny so many people commented on my husband's aunt. She is very snobby and rude and it was nice to get the support from you guys. Thanks!

D threw a ball over my fence into the neighbor's yard and his show dog ate the ball. My neighbor is so sick of my kids, they hollar and scream all the time and throw things into his yard. I do not blame him, I would dislike them, too. I hope his dog is ok, they cost around $3000 and I can not afford to pay for it. My husband wanted to tell the man but my son yelled at him and told him that his dog took their ball. I am sure this irritated him more. D, however, threw a nice fit in front of my SW when I asked her if she did throw the ball over. The fit lasted from 3:30 until 6PM. She threw things down at me, hit me 5 times, and kicked me twice. You gotta love that.

My son has become a huge liar. I am now reminding him every time he says anything that it must not be true b/c he has such a hard time telling the truth. He lies even if you catch him in the act. It is very sad. He has always lied but now he is hanging on to the lie no matter what and refuses to be honest. My poor husband rarely sees this side of the children and really struggles with them now that it is coming to light for him. He just keeps telling me he doesn't see how I have dealt with it every day for 10 months. He is happy to go to work and miss the "fun" stuff.


The kids have found a lizard in the back ytard under the A/C unit and have made a new "home" for it if they can catch it. It has entertained them for hours this afternoon, me, too. They are so sure they will catch him and they can provide what he needs better than the wild. Thank goodness it is much faster then they are. He will not be allowed in the house b/c he could bring disease to my husband's many very expensive geckos and boas. I just can't imagine losing one of those over a wild caught skink. My husband breeds reptiles and does high end stuff, some of the animals are well over $1000 each.

Yesterday was my oldest's 11th birthday. My sisters, their kids, and both my mother and my husband's mother went to dinner with us and had a very nice evening. We gave her cash and helped her open her first savings account. She is so excited to have a head start on her first car. LOL

In the middle of that my husband announced we are moving in the new house a month before I had planned. JUNE. Only six weeks from now. I am freaking out a bit because I have not packed a thing, he has not gotten even remotely close to preparing the house for the move, either house really, and I will have to drive B back and forth for summer school for six weeks. I think she goes from 8:30 to 2:30 and it is a 20-30 minute drive each way. I am not happy.

We have a trip to Arkansas planned the weekend of the 4th in July to introduce the kids to his side of the family. I hope something forces us to cancel that trip to hell. My MIL is reminding me about it every week, I am avoiding the calls at this point. His aunt made several nasty comments to us about adoption before we got the kids. Things like, "don't bring those kids to my house" and "I bet they are going to be brats".

Time off for Good Behavior

I spent the better part of Saturday without my kids and had a blast with my friend Eve. We went to lunch, shoe shopping, and for an iced coffee. I have not laughed so hard in awhile. She is really entertaining and very funny.

She seems so decided about the adoption. I worry it is because her feelings are hurt from this relationship with a married man. Adoption will not make everything better. It is very hard not to constantly remind her that she can parent. She knows how I feel and we talked a bit about it this weekend. She claims nothing can change her mind and she was really nice about me breaking my promise to leave the issue alone. She laughed, she knew I couldn't do it anyway. At least I am not harassing her like I was about parenting. I am trying so hard to support her without encouraging adoption, she is capable of parenting, she says she has no doubts about adoption.

She is excited to find out what she is having. She has an appointment on May 9th for an ultrasound. It is the day before my birthday and I am hoping for a boy. Is it wrong to hope for one sex over the other? I will be thrilled to have another girl, I am just hoping to even things out. Ok, I am really afraid if she has a girl I will screw up her hair. I understand I can learn how to fix it. It is stupid, I admit, but still a fear I have. I want her to feel pretty and how can you if your Mom has screwed up your hair again or she doesn't have time to sit for hours to fix it.

Kids had a great time this weekend, we took them to the Jump Zone and they jumped for hours. You would have thought they would be so tired they passed out but no. We went for Mexican food afterward and they ate like pigs only to ask 2 hours later for a snack.

Just another Wednesday

We have had an eventful day.

In the middle of our very busy regular Wednesday schedule, my youngest decided to put a recently discovered trick to use. She has become quite creative when caught doing something she isn't supposed to so. First example, she and her brother were running and jacking around in the kitchen during snack time and she fell. I could hear her giggling until she got hurt and he apologised, he is used to being blamed for things by his sisters and this is automatic when tears appear. They were both asked what happened, he said they were jacking around and he was pulling her around the spilled water on the floor and she was holding his shirt to be drug through it and fell. She claimed he was running and she did not want him to get in trouble and grabbed his shirt and he ran so she fell. He did this on purpose. See what I am saying, she comes up with some convenient truths about people so she comes up shining. This is happening more and more recently.

She was asked to sit in time out for a few minutes and then pay restitution to her brother for lying about him. He chose to have her clean up his room. Off they went after a tearful apology from her and within minutes I hear screaming from D that my youngest was showing her privates. I came running, I mean damn it I can't even have a private moment to use the restroom. D and E had been sitting outside the bedroom with A and A and D saw her pull down her pants. D was the most sexualized child we had in the beginning, she rubbed herself on me, the couch, the children, anyone really that would hold still. That has come to a complete stop and now this child is the hero in our home against others being inappropriate the last few episodes. My son immediately said his version and my youngest agreed she had done it, turns out 3 times in the few minutes asking him to touch her. He is very cooperative with my questions but did not know why he didn't tell us but he did not touch her. When asked privately what her participation was she told the truth, what he said. I stood and told her I was very upset by her actions. She quickly told me he made her. He told her to do it. I knew immediately she was lying. She agreed and cried very hard.

This is a subject that runs deep in this family, generations of incest and molestations. They have all come a very long way. I did not expect to add all 6 children to the list of disturbing sexual acting out or behaviors. I now have. We sat down as a family and discussed this briefly, this time focusing on the lying. What she says has power that she had no idea and the damage she could do to us as a family if this behavior continues or escalates. They were simply lies among siblings until she accused her severely emotional and sexually abused brother of acting out with her as a victim. This was criminal. I do not think any of my children are malicious enough to make up stories about us but now there is a fear.

P had a hard time sleeping again tonight. This has become more of an issue over the last few weeks. She can't sleep and comes to find me seeking support. I take her back to bed and assure her everything is fine, she turns on cartoons and falls asleep quickly. Tonight she made the comment in the family discussion that her father had promised not to hurt kids anymore and I was the only one that caught it. I knew she was saying it w/o realizing it. It was huge and I waited up for her to come down when the girls were asleep. She was scared. She talked about DH being sick and how her father had taken her and her siblings to DFCS when he got sick the last time they came into care. Her mother had run away from them and they were with him alone. He gave up maybe Dad is going to give up. We talked about how a healthy family works, one parent gets sick the other one gets stronger. I am much stronger than Dad and could whoop his butt if ever need be and anyone else if they messed with my kids. She enjoyed that vision and reminded me Dad is 6'5" 300 #. Maybe not on a good day but with this fluish thing he has, no problem. She is feeling safe here and I feel her connecting with us, may be the first real connection she has ever had. I asked her about the comment earlier and she freely told me how her father had touched her brother many times and all the girls tried to beg him to stop. He promised over and over he would, their mother left when she was forced to molest her son with all her girls watching. P feels bad for not stopping him. When asked directly if he touched the girls she danced, but admitted A had been made to touch his sisters. She knows of 4 times, she was not specific and I did not ask.

This is not all new information, she is coming to terms more with her emotions this time. How she felt, that she felt fear. She understands and agreed we have to protect them from their father. I think we may have another child not wanting to open the adoption. That makes 3. I will respect their wishes happily and hope the rest just need closure with them. I would love to continue a relationship with some of the extended family but the parents are out of the question if the child does not beg on their own for a VERY closely supervised brief visit. I want to punch him. Our discoveries and feelings will be discussed at length with them privately long before the kids see them, if they see them. We promised open adoption, they promised to stop sexually abusing their children, I know I shouldn't feel bad. I want to respect my promise to the children that they could see their parents after we finalize, if the children wished. I never said how often and in fact I have been very clear it would be rare but would happen.


My son is up for the third time tonight. I guess he is needing to be reassured I am still here protecting them. This had become regular for him. He speaks now when he comes to my room and always has a physical complaint. I take him back to bed and tuck him in. He is the cutest kid sometimes. His is very small and looks so innocent with puffy eyes and tiny fists rubbing them. Almost toddler like in his behavior. Hard to believe he is so destructive during the day.

I truly love my children. I see a change in every one of them since last June. Some have made steps forward all around, surprising us, others are even more unattached than we ever thought yet progress has been made. Tiny steps for each of them. I see bigger ones coming. They needed to be shown what to do in the simplest of situations and they have stepped up now on their own to do it. They have so many more things to learn, they are eager to be taught. If only they would stop destroying things. Guess I'll have to ask Santa for that next year.

Another Rage and a Plan

D had to have her turn at me last night. She went all out b/c she claimed to have taken a shower first the night before and I try to rotate them. She had missed the shower the night before b/c her shower mate, my oldest, had a terrible tummy ache at the last minute and stunk up the bathroom. They showered in the morning instead. When caught in a lie I will sometimes break the tension by teasing, it works most of the time. It backfired b/c she was determined to let go of some pent up frustration on me and the house. I sang, "Liar, Liar pants on fire stick your nose on a telephone wire." She smiled and then hid it with a pout. I tickled her all the way up the stairs and threatening to pinch her if I caught her. She giggled and ran as fast as she could. I am thinking we are fine and continue past her room to change the laundry. Long story short, she refused to shower and ended up raging for over an hour and had to be put on the patio due to excessive use of her outside voice inside. It was the getting her outside that posed the problem this time. All my fault, I did not have a good grip on her and she kicked me and down we went on the stairs. No one was hurt seriously but I was very angry at that point and tagged my DH It. She scared several kids all with no real closure on why or what. She was sent to bed after she calmed but I refused to accept her back with cuddling kindness until this morning. I explained I was the most angry that she scared our family and guest, I love her screaming or happy, I understand she has a had time expressing herself and gets violent at times, and I made sure she knew I will always forgive her for her feelings actions but there are consequences for them. She was quiet and reserved for about a minute and then back to chattering self. Trying to remind me how she studied her spelling words, she brushed her teeth, and she had her backpack already. Proving she was making an effort today.

P had therapy this morning and she refused to talk again. I have had to join her for the last several sessions and she is much more talkative afterward with me alone about the same subject. She refuses to talk to this man. I do not think it is just him, I think it will be with anyone. She ended up expressing some really good things to me and then she pretended to be sick in the bathroom. She had C lie to me, her first mistake b/c C is a dead give away. P comes and tells me that C flushed it and C looks at P, then me, and then at her shoes. Not good for P. P tries to save it by answering for her and starts talking really fast, second mistake. Out comes an employee from the bathroom they were just in, I stopped her and asked her if she had heard my child getting sick, "No, but I heard the plan to stay home and watch TV in bed.", third mistake was a witness. P's head went down. I assured her I pulled the same stuff and she was gonna have to try harder if she was going to fool me. She insisted she was still feeling bad a few minutes later at the school and I offered to discuss why she was trying to get out of school but she refused. I gave her a bag to use "just in case" so she could show me later and stay home from school tomorrow.

Trashed and a Name

My son is a real piece of work. This morning he actually got mad b/c I tied his shoes and mentioned he needed to practice more in the afternoon so he is not stressed before school. He threw the tennis shoes and started a beautiful morning rage. I picked up the shoes and threw them away, he is back to flip flops and socks.

Amongst all this sibling adoption name thing, Emma has asked to add Alyvia back to her name legally. I have always had a lot of guilt about changing her name even though we took custody of her at 3 weeks and her mother was fine with the change b/c she was being named after my husband's Grandmother and Great Grandmother. She thought it was cool to pass the name on to our daughter. We told both Emma and her Mother we will be adding the name in as her first middle name and she can choose to be called Emma or Livie, her choice. Em is thrilled to be a part of the excitement and we are so happy to give her her name back. Her Mother was moved to tears and is worried she will not remember to call her by her "real" name.

Attachment Therapy!!

We have been approved for Attachment Therapy and get this.......in home therapy!!! My agency is paying for the assessments and Medicaid will cover most of the cost of treatment. We will have to pay a minimal copay but their is a program called IFY (?) and they pay for AT. I am so thrilled and excited. They actually called me to apologize it would take a week to find us the right therapist and coordinate with our agency. WOW, a week. I told her we have waited almost a year, a week we can manage.

A really crappy day

I was thrown out of The Salvation Army today. I had to have the manager call the police while I restrained my 8 yr old. I actually had the situation under control until an idiot stuck his nose in and started yelling I was abusing my child, I had too many children did I even know who the fathers were, and I pulled out my handy dandy letter from the therapist and he questioned the authenticity of it. like I would make one up for fun. He was a customer! He rallied the other customers around to shout at me until I asked the manager to call the police. This incident would have lasted only a few minutes if he had not been so cruel. I explained my children were tramatized children and he was doing further damage. He then figured out I was a foster/adopt parent (my oldest trying to stick up for us) and started in on how I was in it for the money.

A lady stepped in early on and introduced herself as a mental health professional and that I was obviously trained in restraints and knew what I was doing b/c my child was screaming therefore breathing. She explained how some children have a difficult time regulating their emotions and this was a necessary thing to keep them and others safe. She tried to help but he was on a roll.

The police arrived and my dd had calmed but is terrified of any officer, duh. She refused to speak. They saw the letter and knew immediately the situation was as I had said. They heard the man out and then told him to leave b/c he had no idea the magnitude of what his comments were doing to the kids. The manager defended me and said the kids had been fine in the store and then boom my dd freaked out. We were escorted out of the store to keep the peace and they made a report.

We waited awhile to talk about it with the kids and they are so embarrassed. They wanted to protect me and all I wanted to do was break his neck. The more of their story that came out the worse I felt. I think they will survive but I am counting the minutes until I can drink/cry myself to sleep. Today I feel like the worst mother in the world.

The Cake

I was informed that B does not like frosting. Ok. She hinted around for weeks that w/o the right frosting, cake was just gross. I had no idea what kind of frosting we were talking about or how to figure this our b/c she was not going to assist. She would rather me fail and suffer than have me succeed and make her happy.

I called her last foster mom and asked her. She was clueless. He was able to tell me she saw B eating her daughter's cake a few months ago and even licking the frosting off her fingers. Ah ha! It was not butter cream frosting, I needed to find whipped cream frosting. Got it! She was so happy to take a bite and she squealed, "How did you know?" I told her I was her Mom and I can do almost anything, we moms have special powers!

I was most surprised that kids were jut dropped off at the party w/o even knowing me or RSVPing. I found that rude and disrespectful to say the least. I had to have one kid call his mother 30 minutes after the party ended. Hello, come get you kid, please.

My oldest had her first big party.

We planned for weeks to have a party with a moonwalk and giant slide with everything good to eat. It rained out the moon walk and slide. Lots of people showed up but a few missed it. Kids did really well with all the folks there. We surprised the kids with their old foster parents and bio aunt and uncle. The kids were shocked and happy at first. Then we began to see a flat affect from a few of them. This really put into perspective how serious RAD is for one of them. B had nothing to do with them other that the original hug.

We talked in great length later about her feelings, something she dreads and is not able to do on her own. I gave her several choices about how she could possibly be feeling and she related to a few of them. She does not want to see her parents again. This could change, she does like her aunt and uncle and feel they are safe but she would rather avoid them in person. I am so glad she was able to express this. I promised to always respect her wishes and protect her from them if she needs me to. She just does not want to tell them herself so I will be the bearer of bad news in the future.

More later, kids are freaking out.

A Bad Choice

Well, P has not had a great afternoon. She had a sample test to do last week for the CRCT that she must pass to be in 4th grade next year. She can not read and her teacher sent it home for me to read to her and for her to answer. It took very long, close to an hour and a half and we stopped. I asked her to bring it home the next night and we would try again. It never came back. Today I get a note from the teacher explaining she had asked P for it many times and she had shut down and refused to look up. She asked for 3 days and finally gave her a check for it.

I am not really surprised about the school issue. Right now we are more focused on her honesty and attachment to this family and that is where my next question came from. "P, I have a note from your teacher about that test, I asked you about it a couple of days ago and you told me you turned it in. Do you want to take a moment and tell me anything else? Here is your chance to be honest with me." She did not make a good choice. She raged from 3:25 PM until 6:45 PM. She got up and cleaned her room and came to find me. She told me to look at her room and she wanted to make me proud (ok, I am correcting how she said it but the intent was that). Then she repeated the word I have said to her hundreds of times, "Just b/c I made a bad choice doesn't mean I am a bad girl. Right?" She smiled so big, I hugged her really tight and and agreed. This is so big for her, we are seeing more and more of this new child. It is one of the most amazing things I have ever witnessed.

The Plan

My friend, E, came over yesterday and we spent about 5 hours with all the kids and talking about her baby. She doesn't call the baby hers and I corrected her, I told her if she chooses adoption she does not lose her right to call her child her child. She is still the mother and the baby will be her son or daughter, too. She is trying not to hurt my feelings and walk on eggshells, it made me sad. At one point, she even claimed I was doing her a favor and helping her by adopting her baby. She has this so backward, I just do not know how to convince her of this. She made me promise not to pressure her to keep the baby, so at this point we have agreed to make this plan and if she has any lingering doubts I want her to share them with me or her therapist. She knows I will not be upset with her if she changes her mind, I want her to parent. We agreed she can not make this decision fully until after the baby is born and she has had the chance to hold the baby and really feel if this is what she wants. (Mostly it was me telling her she will actually make the decision then and this is just a plan. I sound so bossy, I really do need to back off a bit and be mindful of this tendency.)

It is a tightrope I am walking, the guilt of parenting another woman's baby at her and the child's expense is eating me alive and I have no idea how to get control of it. I am excited but holding back. I want to encourage her but be prepared. I don't want her to be pressured and I don't want her to think I don't want the baby or won't love the baby. If this is this hard for me, what can she possibly be going through? She said she felt relieved last night, she feels she has a plan and some control. I guess this is normal. We agreed I would wait to ready a room for the baby until she is much farther along and we are in the new house of course. I can just put money aside to make a huge shopping trip (a very well organised one) when the baby is born. I am sure my sisters, Mother, and MIL will help me get things together quickly if need be.

Emma's Mother called me yesterday and asked if I was obsessing about E's feelings yet. She has me pegged, I did it with her. She thinks I should respect E and move forward with the plan. She felt like I tried to shove her baby down her throat at times, that was never my intention. She also claims it helped her be sure she made the best decision for her and her child. She feels she might have blamed me or regretted it otherwise. (She did go around telling people I stole her baby but she never felt that way.) She is worried that E will use like R did. R was her friend, she suggested we adopt R's baby and R used us horribly with the intentions of parenting the whole time. R actually encouraged me to set up the nursery so she could have everything when she "changed" her mind. Her boyfriend felt bad for us and told us. E wants nothing from us, she won't even let me buy maternity clothes for (legally it is ok in our state). Emma's Mother felt really bad for us and is really happy that we are considering another baby.

My Dh has already claimed no diaper duty! He says there are enough girls in the house for each one to take a day and the boys are free to just hold and feed the baby. I think his plan is flawed! He has always wanted another baby in the house, it was me that was adamant, "No Babies!". Funny how that can change so easily, I can't even put up a good argument why I didn't want one anymore. Time can erase those all the tough nights with a newborn.

This baby brings on a whole new set of concerns for me. HAIR! I am a CC woman possibly adopting an AA/CC baby, I have a lot to learn about taking care of my potential child's hair and skin. We live in a multicultural area and have AA friends and friends parenting AA children so I feel we can encourage the child to feel good about themselves and their heritage by including others with similar families into our lives. I will have to get busy reading and learning more about the culture to educate my children. I would never want my child to feel alone or different in our family so if this adoption takes place, we will only consider AA or AA/CC children in the future.

My kids are holding their own. I am using a few new techniques that are really working. The big one is taking better care of myself. I am picking my battles a little better, putting the responsibility back on them, giving them alot of praise about good behaviors, and since the evaluations I have been responding in a flat tone "I know how smart you are, you can't fool me anymore." That is huge, they laugh and know they are caught. They are starting to work harder and seem to want to be a part of the family. We have so many social issues from lack of exposure that seem to be helped tremendously by just role playing a few minutes before a situation. As we pull up a place we all go over the expectations, how to handle personal space, and what is appropriate. They do it! Amazing at what has happened when I tell them what I want and expect they will do it.

I can help my son control his anger by growling at him. He dies laughing. How cool is that? My crier, D, is making some improvements. B is the most difficult now that we are so close to adoption, she is pushing for control constantly. She is refusing hugs and affection now that I am on to her. P rocks. She thinks that she is going to heal all her siblings b/c she is getting better herself. She also asked me if I thought she was the prettiest girl ever b/c she did. LOL This from a child that hurt herself and called herself names a year ago. The twins are irritating but we are moving forward.

I am Officially Crazy!

I have a friend that I met when I was working to help the survivors from Katrina. She and I talk about weekly and she has continued to have struggle after struggle and they are mostly from self inflicted situations. I give her a little pep talk and help her see the positive in the situation or her options.

Well, she has a doozy of a decision now. She had a brief affair with her married neighbor. She is pregnant with a biracial child. She refuses to see any positive and after many conversation of encouragement she got a little angry at me. She refuses to consider parenting, she is too far along for an abortion, and she has stated many times before this pregnancy she will not have another child. She thinks I was not listening to her and she wants me to adopt the baby. She said, "I know you are trying to find a way to help me parent but I do NOT want to. Please quit trying to help and just tell me you will love my child and allow my children to know each other." The father is not "on board" but he does not want his wife to know and said he is willing to talk to us.

I have huge feelings of guilt for wanting to parent this child. I want to help her. I wanted to help Emma's Mom, too. Both seem confident in wanting to place no matter how much I offer to support them. I am worried she will change her mind after the fact and regret this the rest of her life. I have tied to discuss this with her and she claims to know and still wants this. I have told her things may change along the way and she is supposed to worry about herself and her children over my feelings or anyone elses. I have lined up counseling for her and she promised to go.

On the flip side, I am thrilled to have the possibility of a baby in the house! The new house has a nursery in the master bedroom that is way out of the way of the rest of the house and the baby could sleep w/o knowing we have a hundred kids running around. I did not think I wanted babies but after talking with the OT, she assured me all of Emma's issues were Sensory Issues and since this baby is drug/alcohol free it should not be an issue. Even my DH is a little excited but he claims if it is another girl he will not tell anyone and just dress her as a boy to even things out a bit here. 7 females to 2 males really just isn't fair.

All my kids will be in school by the time the baby is born and we could be alone all day to bond. The greatest thing about my kids are that they adore small children and babies. They are kind and gentle with my niece and try to mother her. I think it could be a real help in attachment for them with us as a family. They can help be a part of building this family and "taking care" of the baby and the family. The good part about this woman is she knows my kids and loves them, she feels she wants her child raised in a large family that loves all the kids with their faults.

Back to the kids, my son is learning to control his anger before he has a full blown meltdown. He had several starts yesterday and between he and I we have worked out a plan to get him to think first. The trick is, I have to catch him before he gets there and show him. Not always easy but big time success in a short period. He has not hit anyone this week and only threw his shoe once and then he cried and apologized.

P, asked what her evaluation said and I told her on her level that her heart and emotions were starting to heal and this doctor saw it like I do. I gave her multiple examples of how her behavior and emotions have changed since her last home and now. I swear it is getting harder to get that head in the door since has grown so big over the months. She has now decided she is going to help her siblings get better and show them how. Too cute.

B and I are playing a game we made up about when she is trying to maintain control over me. She gets points for giving up control (not having the last word, not checking up on me, anytime she lets me be the parent, etc). I get points for her trying to have control. I give her a point if she backs off when I get a point and I have had us come out equal a couple of times and plan on making her win a little more each week until she doesn't need the reminder. So far she likes to play and is pretty competitive so it seems to be working. She will get to choose something special to do every week when she wins. The special thing will increase as the difference between her score and mine do.

D is hanging in there. We have started to have her be more active and that seems to help with the crying. I have been telling her how smart she is and that has encouraged her to try harder when it gets hard with school work.

The Weekend

We had a very nice time in Helen at the retreat. We had wonderful food and laughed a ton. My husband is using the "techniques" way too much and is driving me crazy. He thinks he is funny but I want to make him a victim of domestic violence in his sleep.

The kids survived at my MIL's but we had some issues that I will pay for for some time to come. She lost control of the kids and my son had a small tantrum for her. She called with a ton of guilt for her reaction to him over the weekend but no harm came to him.

We did get confirmation that the appeal was actually dropped on the 9th of this month not Thursday. DFCS, the state, and my agency are getting things together ASAP to place the children on a Level of Care so we receive the correct amount of adoption assistance. They are hopeful to have all the paperwork in place within 2 weeks. I am very happy and hopeful about giving the kids some closure with DFCS. I am concerned they will not help us with Attachment Therapy or provide enough support to afford it ourselves. We have asked to have all future psychological needs be taken care of but I have heard horror stories and know they will try to get out of it.

House and an Appeal

We should be moving into our new home in June. I am so thrilled. It turned out she was wrong about the appraisal and it was actually$330K. We are getting such a great deal all b/c of some cosmetic issues that are so easily fixed by my husband. They are going to work out a schedule to get the work done over the next couple of months so it will be ready for us. She has a lot of investment properties that she wants my husband to take a look at and do some work on. Her husband used to do it for her but considering the situation she is in a bind.

More news about the kids' parents. They went to court this morning b/c after 5 years the state decided to fight them for child support for the time the kids have been in care. They were ordered $1000 a month. Their Dad asked if they dropped the appeal would they still have to pay and immediately signed to drop the appeal. This is all 3rd hand and we are waiting for confirmation from the county but it sounds about right.

My husband and I are going to Helen, GA for a training weekend. It will focus on building up our relationship and parenting such difficult children. It will also give us the training hours needed to maintain our license.

I Think We have Found House

We went to look at a huge house in a great school district that I was not really that interested in b/c I was told it needed some work and I know my DH, it would take forever. Turns out the woman is desperate, her 55 yr old husband has been using Meth and doing "projects" while she sleeps at night. He ripped off the laminate counter tops, the carpet off the stairs and painted them black, tore up the flooring in the kitchen, and randomly taken doors off the bathroom cabinets to name a few. She just wants out of this house but she can not sell this house as it is. That is where we come in. My DH is a Commercial Contractor and she is willing to pay him and his guys to fix the things I can not move in with in that condition. She has most of the materials there already and anything I do not like she will take back and I will pay for the upgrade. We will be able to do the work while she is still living there and it will be completely ready before we close.

It has 7 bedrooms, 4 baths, huge eat in kitchen with a great pantry, dining room, gorgeous stone fireplace in the very large family room, an office, a lundry room off the kitchen and a room off the master that we can make a second laundry room, a fantastic rec room for the kids, and 2 huge storage rooms. The yard backs up to huge wooded lots so the kids can run around forever. (When they can be trusted.) It has a playground, pool with kiddie spool and sprinkler mushroom, pavilion, and tennis courts all in a gated community. It was very active with lots of families out with their kids riding bikes.


The best part is the house has been appriased at $315K in it's current state and she is willing to let it go for $279K b/c that's what she has in it. The rest of the houses in the neighborhood have been selling between $350K and $400K and this is one of the fasting growing areas around. I can't imagine out growing this house even if we adopt another large group.

Please keep your fingers crossed that my husband gets busy and makes it the house of my dreams!!!!! We won't even have to change any of out therapists!

My son missed the bus again today. It was not entirely his fault b/c I overslept. I warned him about 6 times t was time to go and he decided he had plenty of time to clean his book bag out. He has never made any attempt to clean anything so I guess he was trying to avoid the bus. He will be allowed to clean out all the book bags this afternoon to be sure they will not have to take te time and miss the bus themselves. Whay a good son to take car of his sisters that way. LOL

My niece threw a rock at C's head and boy did it bleed. No need for stitches but lots of drama. My niece is 2 yr sold and thought she was helping them clean the yard. She is quickly becoming on of my little Crazies. (The kids love that term and think we are all Crazies with our own versions of it.)

I Need to Brag

I went out Friday night with my Dh to a monthly dinner we attend with other parents trying to heal their children with RAD. It always makes me feel better, ok the drinks may be a small part of it but their kids are older and dealing with nastier stuff. I always hate to leave and wish we could see each other more often.

My son has been holding it together for 3 days so he can attend his first birthday party for a classmate. He has no idea the name of the child b/c he does not view them as people but more like objects. He is still very excited to play putt putt with Dad.

C is officially driving me crazy, I find myself avoiding her. Sh is constantly breaking any rule she can and chatting my ears off about nothing. She covered the slide yesterday with nasty mud, I mean the entire slide was an inch thick of mud. SHe could not come in the house b/c she, too, was covered head to toe. This happened while she was supposed to be cleaning the bathroom and she somehow snuck off and did this in about 5 minutes. It has recently been brought to my attention that she is also a willing participant in the sexual acting out that has been happening around here. She is always the first to fall asleep and usually does this on the sofa after her bath, she freaks out and tantrums for an hour when it is suggested she should go to bed (with the others). I hate that I am letting all the things she does get to me and I am making sure to five her extra love and positive attention until it passes. I am not sure it will be I must fake it until I fell it again. She is also extremely clingy and does not give me a second to breathe alone if she can help it. AAAHH!!!!

I got the final copies of the Speech, OT, PT, and Psychological evaluations together for my SW and she picked them up this AM. We are still waiting on B and P' s but I expect them soon.

I have a lady coming Monday for an interview that I am completely convinced I will hate her. She has a degree in Psychology and does not believe my children have no conscience or empathy for others. She feels I need Super Nanny and all will be better. I came so close to telling her off but decided I would allow her to see them as they are in their natural habitat. She was condescending and I may have to be restrained to keep from slapping her but I thought it would be fun to torture someone else for a change. She actually said she knew what I was going through and when I see her I will understand she can fix the situation. HA! I feel like giving the kids candy for the bus ride home and letting them eat her alive.

My son has been invited to a birthday party. The sad thing is he doesn't know who invited him b/c he can't remember the names of the kids in his class. I remember the little girl from skate night so I have reminded him repeatedly in hopes it will stick. It is as if he doesn't view the children as people but more as objects. Very strange that after all this year he does not know a single name. My husband is planning on escorting him to the party to play putt putt. I hope he is able to handle it.

I am busy planning a birthday party for my oldest next month. She turns 11 and shares her birthday with my niece and she wants to share a party with her this year. My niece is turning 3. We have rented a pavilion at he local park and I have reserved the local celebrity clown, Twinklz. We are having hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill. She has never had a real party before and is getting very excited. It is funny to me how immature she can be at times, like wanting a clown at 11 yrs old. I sure hope someone from her class does not tease her for it later.

My SW called yesterday to inform me she has sent A and D's evaluations to the Assessment Specialist and they feel they will be placed on a much higher Level of Care. I am very happy to have someone deal with this issue and I am hopeful we will see an increase in assistance to help cover the cost of Attachment Therapy and help here at home. Please keep your fingers crossed this woman had the power to help and she acts on the evaluation.

I got an email from the kids' aunt again and she was informed by their Mother that they missed their appointment with their lawyer to sign off the appeal but are still planning to do it soon. I am not holding my breath.

Two More Evaluations.

The twins both came in today. A has Depressive Disorder and an IQ of 103. C has Disruptive Behavior Disorder and an IQ of 96. I am shocked by their IQs, I never would have imagined them to be anywhere near that and C has tested considerably lower a few times. Shoot, D tested at 56 in school and now she is testing at 73. I am totally confused by these numbers and while I understand that I should not get so focused on them, it is hard b/c they are so off.

I see the Depressive Disorder and the Disruptive Behavior Disorder in them and agree with that. They both had a GAF score of 53! What? I understand now how that number can vary and is not reliable at all. How could it be when my son is a 52 and he is a complete behavior disaster and my sweet A is a sobbing fool at times over nothing. They can not be compared in terms of difficulty and yet they score nearly the same. I can't wait to see what B and P turn up.

My SW thinks they can get the children assessed with thtis new information and properly placed on a level. YEAH!! I am not holding my breath.

My son smells again. He refuses to shower regularly now and he pees on himself as soon as he puts a pull up on at night. His classmates are teasing him and I am sad to love the smelly boy in school. There is no amount of begging that will encourage him, he must decide on his own to shower. It really does bother me a great deal.

I got the evaluations back for 2 of my kids. They are taking a very long time and I hope to have the rest this week or next. D and my son have a GAF score of 50 and 52. Not good. At least someone else sees they are not "normal" as DFCS claimed. I hope this will open he door for more services for them and they can begin to heal. At least clean would be nice.

I am having no luck finding help. I have been honest about our family and no one has shown up for the interview. We are 0 for 6. It is not looking good. I have another interview for Wed and I was not as forthcoming. My kids are so adorable, I figure if they see them they will assume they are sweet. My kids can hold that lie up for at least a few weeks. LOL

I am finally up and at it. I feel good and my patience is coming back slowly. I have lost a ton of weight and I look like I am wearing someone elses clothes. We just joined the YMCA and I hope to continue to lose some weight.

My DH is still in Puerto Rico and I hope to be able to contain myself and not beat him to death for leaving. I could really use some adult company even if it is him.

I have Emma home from school vomiting. Poor thing has had to ride in the car all morning so I could take A and A for a CT scan and B and P for therapy. Hopefully she can rest all afternoon and get over this bug w/o spreading it throughout the house.

We had a great weekend. The kids were excellent and made great choices or bounced back very quickly each time. I was completely amazed that the simple reminder to my son that I now know how smart he really is (we got back his psychological and he has an IQ of 101) and how he is my good boy seemed to really work. The power of persuasion seems to work well with a few of my kids. Even as he was melting down I would tell him he was such a good boy and he would scream he was a bad boy. I would respond with a smile he was wrong and he was my good boy, he was only making a bad choice. He moved through the tantrum quickly and wanted the praise for it. This is huge for him b/c he does not accept praise at all and always has very long drawn out tantrums. I reminded him throughout the day as I kissed him or hugged him that he was my good boy, Sunday he even called me his good mom. A tiny gleam of hope , I'll take it!

P struggled on Sunday afternoon and threw a fit that required her to step outside since she was using an outside voice with me. She flipped out and screamed I was going to let the wolves eat her. What? We don't have wolves. I sat right there with her while she rammed the glass door over and over until I had to grab her to keep her from breaking it and really getting hurt. She was able to get it together and finish her chore (all of 5 minutes). She apologized on her own but it leaves me wondering what is going on with her for her to lose it a few times in the last week. Her fits are so much better than they used to be. They are shorter and she always finds me to apologize and be sure I still think she is a good girl.

I will survive!

My son is driving me crazy, he spent the entire afternoon acting a fool. He had the nerve to hit me and kick me in the stomach after he threw all his stuff down the stairs again. I had him pack it all up after the kids went through it and took what they wanted. He struggled this morning but I kept being really sweet and he eventually just made up a story in his head and ran upstairs to his room. He told D (she is in her room b/c she still refuses to pick up the clean clothes) I told him B hated him. WTF? The last things I was saying to him was to come sit with me and I would keep him warm.

I can't do this alone anymore. I need to hire help, now to save this family. My health and sanity are in jeopardy. I can't really afford to hire anyone but I no longer have a choice.

I am keeping things down today for the first time. My medicine makes me nauseous and to top it off, it smells like feet. I burp the feet smell, too. You would think with all the advancement in medicine, they would be able to make all medicine taste nice and have a coating on it to help it go down. Is this too much to ask?

Today I have been able to eat a couple of bites at a time of a cookie, banana, and craved a root beer. WOO HOO! I am on my way to kicking some booty around here.

The Doctor Visit

I was convinced that I would have taken the kids to the doctor a long time ago if they felt half as bad as I did. If Mama's not happy ain't nobody happy was thrown in my face repeatedly, as well. I have not eaten since last Friday and am struggling to drink due to extreme pain in my stomach when I do. Turns out the kids have been slowly torturing me and I believe it is a form of attempted murder. LOL The stress headaches that I have had for months (since they moved in) have lead me to increase my ibuprofen intake and in turn has caused several stomach ulcers. Just great! So I take my little prescription to the pharmacy and I am taking 4 kinds of meds, 2 of each, 4 times a day for 14 days plus another one 2 pills twice a day indefinitely. Now that would not be so bad IF I COULD EAT OR DRINK! By the time I get a round down I have to start again. I can barely talk b/c the inside of my mouth is completely covered in canker sores and is very swollen, not a square centimeter is left untouched by the horrible things. They are so severe b/c my immune system was so compromised by the ulcers that I never actually had the flu, it was all from these stupid ulcers. I have managed to somehow get strep and am lucky I went to the doctor when I did b/c my throat only became sore that day and I assumed it was canker sores in my throat or something.

I think somebody should pay for this and it should not be me. Hmmm, who could it be? My son? Sounds good since this is directly linked to him and his poor choices. Too bad I can't really charge DFCS for it due to the lack of stability in his life since he has been in care. Afterall, that is what causes his RAD. OK, I am done complaining and back to getting my kids' lives back on track.

They have been more psycho than usual b/c I have been so sick. My son took a shower for the first time in 3 days and I an thrilled to smell a clean boy instead of a urine soaked one. D has not eaten dinner in 2 nights b/c she chooses not to eat and blames me for not feeding her. The plate was on the table and had food on it but I refuse to feed her? I am confused or maybe she is, perhaps she thought the food was for our ghost. She has struggled in the past with the need to control food so I know we will get past this or she will end up in the hospital with a drip, her choice. I am taking the calm approach to our lives from now on. I am giving up all the power and giving them 2 choices, the choice I want them to make or a really horrible option. LOL It will all be up to them.

Stay tuned to see who will win......The Psycho Kids or The Starving Mother!!!

I am alive, barely.

I have been gone a few days and will probably need a few more to get my wits about me. I went to bed Saturday night feeling kinda bad and have not been able to sit up for more than a few minutes since. I have managed to catch the flu and it had to happen on a weekend I had all my nieces here. I have never been so sick and due to my wonderful children freaking out b/c I am down, I have been unable to properly care for myself and managed to become dehydrated twice to the point my DH gave me an hour or he was calling an ambulance. That was just what my kids needed, another ambulance to get Mom. I just was unable to keep medicine or liquid down and got to the point I worried I couldn't keep trying. Pretzels did the trick and I was able to hold down a nibble here and there and eventually liquid. I really should have gone to the hospital but with all the kids the only way to get there was an ambulance or have them all in the waiting room tearing it apart.

This is the first time my fever has dropped below 100 and since it is the middle of the night and quiet, I thought I would update you guys. I can tell a few more of my kids are falling prey to my nightmare and I am so weak I had to sit down half way up the stairs so I anticipate I will need a bit longer to gather myself.

I was alone with the kids all day Monday since they were out of school. It went well until the afternoon, the sicker I got the worse they got. Today D and A were not much better. The tantrums and trashing things is almost too much and I considered respite until I am better. If I do not continue to get better, it will be my only option b/c I can't protect them or the others in this shape. They have trashed my house beyond recognition. I got up a little while ago and looked around for the first time in days, not good. I have traveled from my bed to the couch and that's it for days. I was oblivious to my surroundings until now. They are going to hear about it as soon as I can holler.

C ran around upstairs and pulled her panties down for D and A when they were supposed to be cleaning up their rooms. She is becoming a pill, her tantrums have increased lately to almost daily and she kicks her braces against the floor for the most annoying sound ever.

B has been a real help and I will be doing something nice for her soon. She is used to being in the mother role and happily picked it back up these last few days. She is really upset about possible respite for the kids but she would also be glad for the peace and quiet for a few days. She claims the real torture for them would be the return when I am better. LOL

I have the Flu

I am very sick and the kids are being great little caretakers. I'll have to update later.

Lots to Update

Things are not going well here. I hate to give to many details but my girls are saying things to the therapist that have caused enough concern for him to request a plan be in place for my son if or when I need him removed. My agency is getting right on it. The girls are unhappy about the way he treats me. I knew they were upset with him but I had no idea that it was concern for my safety. I feel I still have a grip on things but I want to be sure the girls fell safe over the fact I feel ok.

We are having an emergency IEP meeting about my son next week and hopefully he will be pulled out of a regular class and put in an emotional behavior class. The teacher is starting to feel the same way. I am thrilled she is seeing things and sad my son is making an ass of himself in front of the school. He is now telling stories about "bad boys" beating him up on the playground and in the hall. No one has ever seen them and he has never been able to point them out or show a bruise. Friday he came home with scraped knuckles that we took pictures of b/c he claimed it was from a fight but it looked like he rubbed them on concrete to me.

D is doing well in her new school. B is healing well and back to school. Emma is sick of my son right now but loves the girls. The twins have been driving me nuts over the last two weeks and I guess what is most upsetting is I expect more from them. Both are hitting and throwing tantrums that they are struggling to recover from. P has been stealing from school, just small amounts of money but still stealing.

I am listening to 3 raging tantrums as I type....Calgon take me away!!!!

B had her tonsils and adenoids removed and tubes put in her ears on Friday. All went very well. She was great the first day but has had additional pain every day. We were told the pain should reach it's height between 5-7 days and she will be home from school for 10 days.

My son has reached an all time high in poor behavior. He is really working my nerves today and I am concerned this will go on for years to come. I am anxious to see the final report from the Psychologist next week. I know he wants to be good but something sets him off every day (several times each day) and he will hit or throw something at someone. Today he broke our little heater in the living room, threw and broke a cup, poured hot chocolate on the sofa and stained it horribly, hit me with his shoe, scratched me from the elbow to my hand and tore a nice chunk of skin off, hit 4 of the 6 girls, and broke the fireplace screen by throwing a skate at it. That is his damage from 4 PM to 7 PM, just a short time and a ton of damage. He spent the night with my MIL and all the girls except B, she needed the house to be calm and so it was just the 2 of us for until 4 PM. He was required to do all the girls chores tonight to make up for the hitting and he will have more chores to make up for the damage he did to the house and me. The sad thing is my husband is starting to get frustrated with him. It takes alot for that to happen and I know he will get over it but I am worried my son will not get the help he needs to heal.

The Special Olympics

I went to watch D play volleyball today for the Special Olympics. I had no idea what to expect and I thought it was great to see they did not use real volleyballs but instead used beach balls. They couldn't use real ones b/c half the kids there would have been knocked unconscious. I was trying to keep a straight face the entire time, they tried so hard and it was the most entertaining sport I have ever seen. I took a ton of pictures hoping to get a good one of her trying. I was a little sad to see no other parent showed up. We were treated with lots of hugs from her new classmates b/c they were so excited to have a cheerleading section made up of D's family for their team much. They won 3 of their games before I left so I can;t wait to hear what the final score was.

Pre Op and the Appeal

I have spent the day, I mean this took all day, at the doctor and hospital for B's Pre Op stuff. She is 10 yrs old and is having her tonsils and adenoids removed and tubes put in her ears. I was surprised they decided on the tubes b/c I thought it was for young children. She has had fluid in her ears since we met and gets swimmers ear multiple times a season. I have to call Thursday night to see what time her surgery is scheduled for on Friday. She has no idea how bad this will be. LOL She was upset about all the blood work today but she did well. The ENT claims she will be out of school for 10 days, that was a huge surprise, I figured 4 or 5 days. She is an extremely lazy child and will thoroughly enjoy this down time.

When I got home, just as the kids got of the bus, their birth aunt called my cell. Her and I exchange emails fairly regularly and she had some big news she was asked to share with me and felt it warranted a call instead. The kids' parents sat their family down yesterday to tell them they called their attorney and asked to drop the appeal. They were supposed to go today and sign some paperwork to make it real. I was shocked b/c around the holiday it had come up and the father freaked out and refused to discuss it with the mother any further. This time he is willing to do it and was the one to make the call. Their family has been encouraging them to do this all along b/c after 5 yrs in care the kids really need to find stability and they had little hope to have it overturned, per their own attorney. I am thrilled and scared to death at the same time. They will be ours and OMG they will be ours to deal with alone. I hope I survive them. There is no way I would or could back out now but the door of opportunity is closing and that is scary. I hope we are able to have them assessed and work out the financial part.

Great Weekend

We have had a fantastic weekend!! OK, I am leaving out the normal bad behaviors and focusing on the fact we survived and made it to see my friend and his family. It was great. He looks really good and his wife and kids are gorgeous. We went to a pizza place that has video games to entertain the kids. This was such a good idea for our kids b/c it allowed them to focus on something besides cuddling up to him. They barely noticed him and I was so relieved. The kids behaved and spent a ton of money on video games and the gumball machine. How many gumballs does a kid need anyway? We were there for over 2 hours and talked up a storm. I can't wait to see them again.

On an irritating note, we went to dinner with an employee of my husband's on Friday and my oldest acted like she was on a date with him. She flipped her hair, laughed at his stupid jokes, and kept pressing her arm against his. He is so stupid he did not even notice. I had to have a conversation about how her body language looked and how dangerous it is. I made sure she understood she had done nothing wrong and it was normal for a girl to have a crush but she has to be careful how she acts so a man does not get uncomfortable. It was a fine line to walk and make her understand she would never be at fault if a man approached her but she needed to curb the flirting.

My husband had his truck stolen by an employee on Saturday and we spent the day freaking out b/c it had almost $5000 worth of tools in it. My husband hires alot of guys from a halfway house in our area and it has had it's moments. This was definitely one of them. He returned the truck with everything in tact and we dropped the charges. He had relapsed but come out of it and came over to our home to tell us. He turned over all his cash ($1000) so he would not be tempted again. My husband holds cash for several of the guys and disperses small amounts every day to help them at their request. It is so sad but they are really great employees for the most part.

Over all, great weekend b/c all the kids survived and I slept on Saturday night for more than 4 hours.

My Little Athlete

I have just finished filling out the paperwork for D to be in the Special Olympics. Next week she will compete in volleyball and there will be other sports throughout the school year. The funny part is she does not know what the sport is and has the reflexes of a rock. If you throw a ball at her she does not move, she will watch it coming towards her face and do nothing. I have a week to teach her to lift her hands. I am not convinced she will learn this before her big day.

We told her last night about being promoted to the 2nd grade and changing schools. She was very excited about the new idea and it became obvious she has no attachment to anyone in her class or school. Just another reminder for me how unattached she is to everything. She is looking forward to riding the little bus w/ her sister and being the oldest sibling there at that school. She feels she will be in charge. Whatever it takes, girl.

We had the first decent night in awhile and I was on the edge waiting for an outburst. They behaved very well at the restaurant and only got a little loud in van on the way home. Showers went well and bedtime is usually pretty easy. They will lay down w/o a problem but my son gets up multiple times every night. I am very grateful that that part of our day goes fairly well regularly. I am focusing on only the good things and giving little attention to the negative behaviors. I also ordered the weighted vests for both D and my son to replace the brushing. It really saves me a ton of time and energy to have them put on a vest for 30 minutes a couple of times a day rather than stop everything every couple of hours.

The Decision to Move Her

I got up extra early today and attended D's IEP meeting. Several things were discussed and decided. The most important one is she will be changing schools and entering a Mental Intelligence Disability Program. She will be 1 of 8 children and will have 2 teachers. I went to see her new class and was very impressed. They focus on academics and independent training. She will be advanced a grade to be with children her own age. She was retained last year and will be thrilled to hear she will be in the correct grade. This class does not focus on grades at all but does on classwork and learning the skills. I feel good about this decision and hope she is able to see herself as "normal". She is in desperate need of a few successes.

What More Can I Do?

It has been an extremely difficult weekend and I have been left drained and wondering if I am doing enough. Sunday was an absolute disaster after we had sat down the 3 difficult children Saturday night and encouraged them not to let one day set them back further. They managed to make Sunday worse that ever. My oldest, B, who is extremely dedicated to her siblings asked me to consider a hospital for D and my son. She is worried what their behavior is doing to the rest of them and how they are taking their anger out on Emma. She wishes she would have been adopted without them. I am still committed to all of them but I wonder if she isn't right, they need more than what we have to offer and they are obviously more disturbed than the others and are doing damage to them from the constant violence and destruction. How much am I supposed to put my other children through? I feel strongly that they will be able to get it together someday and be a part of our family and I would not consider disrupting but I am concerned for the rest of our sanity.

The therapist understands that I feel like therapy is a waste of time with them and 20 minutes a week is not doing them any good. How can they get anything out of that in such a short time. They need an hour or more a week and they need to see more than one therapist so I can not stay at an office for hours upon hours a week and get nothing accomplished. They need attachment therapy and these evaluations should give me a ammo to fight DFCS on it. I feel like I can not add anymore effort (brushing, cuddling, and games) to my day b/c I am so strapped for time as it is. I am leaning toward homeschooling for a while to get these things in our day done. I have so many appointments and not enough time. I am babbling, I am just trying to figure out what else I could possibly do.

Strike Three and I Want Outta Here

I got up early and brushed the kids hoping not to repeat the last 2 Saturdays. It did not work. I am completely at a loss for the trigger and reasons for this huge setback. Maybe they are having some feelings of attachment and they are freaking out. Maybe they are missing my husband b/c he has had to work the last few weekends and they are used to spending time with him. Maybe it is their poor little bodies are now getting so much to process with this new technique. I am really open for suggestions, I am getting pretty frustrated and overwhelmed. My husband will be done with his deadline this week so he will be here more and that will help.

It is so bad I had to postpone my friend reunion tomorrow and I can;t help but wonder if that is what has the kids in an uproar to begin with. Me having something positive and non child related to look forward to and plan for. That would be right up their alley. They have issues with their Mother cheating and my friend is a man, ohhhh, I think I might have figured out today myself. They freaked out last night at the thought of me leaving town in May for a weekend with online friends not only b/c I was leaving but when I mentioned some of the names and one was obviously a man that is when the older kids started crying. B tried to say she did not want to be left alone with a man (my husband) but when given several great offers she ended up being ok with staying here with him. He was teasing me about leaving at first but opted to stay here with him once he made it clear he was not concerned with the trip. I may really be onto something with this.

Holding Out

The twins worked really hard on their evaluations and the doctor commented on the fact they were delayed. We are sure C is but not so sure about A. I have been desperate for someone to clarify this for us. Hopefully now we will have those answers. I have cramps in my hand from filling out the endless forms and questionnaires for these evaluations. I am not kidding, I couldn't figure out why my right hand is so sore lately and as I was filling out these darn things in the waiting room I realized it was from them. I thought possibly an injury from a recent restraint but I am pretty sure it is from the endless questions.

My worker met me there to pick up some paperwork and books. She is the nicest girl, she is always so beautifully dressed. She made a comment on how I looked nice today and I thought about it and she does not get to see me in makeup and hair fixed b/c she usually sees me at home running around cleaning noses and wiping butts. Anyway, she made my day. I know, I am so easy to please.

D, is still choosing to stay in her room and throw a fit rather than spend the few minutes it would take to clean it up. My kids are gonna be really successful once they put their minds into it. I think she is on day 3 of this, there is no way I could have held out that long. She is a little freaked out b/c I complimented her on it a few minutes ago. She keeps waiting for me to be upset at her choice not to clean up her mess and I am complimenting her on her amazing ability to stand her ground. LOL I can out last her anytime. She needs me to be firm and I will. Take your time, D.