I had a horrible experience with a police officer yesterday. I called to have one come out b/c my 6 yr old son had lost control again. It was really a normal day but my children and I am tired of being abused by him b/c he does not get his way. An officer called me back and I explained our situation and his issues and that I really thought it might help to have an officer write up a report and explain that he was assaulting us and it was not acceptable. Turns out there is nothing they can do unless he involves a weapon and it is all my fault he is not under control. He explained if he came out he would be removing all of my children and charging me with neglect for failure to protect my other children from him. He was so nasty to me even after I tried to explain he came to me like this and it is from neglect blah, blah, blah. He told me to just give him back then if he was so bad. What? I was more upset by that than his other threats. Give him back, like he was a broken toy. Just return him. I ended up losing control of my tears and raised my voice that that was the very htinking that put my son inthe situation he is in. I can't believe their are officers this ignorant on the force in his position. I got so frustrated I just hung up on him. What else can I do? I can't educate every officer inthe county or can I?

My kid's SW still insists I have to have fingerprints and drug screens done on anyone who babysits my children. That is such a crock of crap. No where does it say that is a requirement. I am begining to think they want us to disrupt. Maybe to find cheaper families, I don't know what else it could be. My thought is to find another fosterparent in metro Atlanta to trade babysitting with me b/c they will meet that criteria. I can't even find a support group for fosterparents in one of the largest counties here. I am very frustrated with this system and am searching for any advice on how to deal with this issue. I am at a loss. My agency thinks this is crazy b/c they can't find it written anywhere that sitters must meet this level of background checks. What can I do? Has anyone ever heard of this? They claim it must be at my expense. Drug screens are expensive and fingerprints can take a very long time to be returned b/c ours was like 12 weeks.

I think I have a grip on the lice issue. My sister canceled plans with us this weekend b/c she did not want us to share the love. I can't blame her, I would run too. She is about the only person willing to put up with all of us and she asked if we could make it a regular visit on Fridays. I am thrilled b/c I am starting to get a little bored with only kids to talk to. My sister, Kiki (a child hood nickname), is the kindest bravest person I know. She is truley the best friend I have ever had. Considering the fact that we are having kids sexually acting out she insists on bringing her kids to visit and get to know them. (Of course we watch like hawks and do not let them out of our sight!) She knows this behavior will eventually passs and she doesn't want to miss getting to know them, it means so much to me.

My son actually admitted that he hurt his sister twice this week. It is funny how I have begun to measure tiny steps as momentous. He is doing better in a couple of areas and I know he will take some steps back but the fact he made one forward gives me the strength to hang on and wait for the next one. He is so loving and sweet when he wants to be. His sleepwalking is driving me crazy. He came into my room last night and stood over my bed for a couple of minutes. I walked him back to bed and went downstairs and removed anything sharp from the kitchen, I know I am over reacting but it scared me. He can be so violent before he thinks who knows what could happen when he isn't in control.

I can't wait for school to start in 15 days!!!!!!!!!! I took them shoe shopping and got them all a new pair of tennis shoes. It cost a fortune! The older ones were so excited to have their first pair of designer shoes. They bought New Balance nad Nike and you would have thought they got a pair by Jimmy Choo. I could never afford those so thank goodness they are thrilled with these.

WE HAVE LICE!!!!!!!! My youngest has been scratching since we met her and I have looked several times and found nothing so I assumed she was sensitive to our shampoo and have changed it several times trying to find one htat she could tolerate. This morning I saw something in her hair when it was wet and we were outside. She has light hair and I guess it makes it harder to see the damn things. I have spent the entire day scrubbing heads, clothes, toys, sheets, comforters, and scrapping those fucking things out of her hair. I have 7 children I have had to do this to. I HATE LICE!!!!! I hope they die, I can't hardly stand it. I can't stop itching!!!! It is so gross! She had hundreds of live bugs in her hair and thousands of eggs.

I calle her old foster mom to warn her that she had them and to check her kids. She became extremely defensive and blamed me for them. I assumed they came from daycare b/c she told me they have had a really hard time with them. I never accused her of anything and was really offened by her response. This child has had them for some time and a lot longer than she has been here. I have no idea how the rest of us got away without them. We will probably break out soon, too. I have treated everything and and everyone and will again next week in hopes of avoiding a huge outbreak before school starts back. I am so thankful to have found it before school, can you imagine the first week of school being sent home for lice? We stand out enough on our own.

My kids had a visit with their parents yesterday, all was fine until we tried to leave. My daughter kept telling me her tummy hurt and b/c she refuses to use the restroom anywhere but home I assumed that was the issue. I was wrong! She ended up vomitting in the dining room at Burger King. When we were in the van and gt goinh she had been told to puke in the BK bag her sister had. Well, she started to get sick and assumed my 8 yr old could read her mind and leaned over and puked on P's lap. Then P started getting sick and I had 7 children gagging in unison. It was so gross, it was all over the van and the floor and the children. I don't think the van will ever be the same.

I have had a hard time sleeping this week b/c my husband left town for the week on Monday. As soon as I fell asleep my oldest woke me up to tell me her nose was bleeding. This happened 3 more times and again today on our way to the therapist's office. I teased her that she really just did not want to go to therapy. Her eyes widened and she asked if this meant she didn't have to go in. LOL She was sooooo disappointed.

After therapy I took them to McDonalds to play and they were great. I am so tempted to try the movies tomorrow. The Wild is playing and they really want to see it. We are getting better in public and I don't want to waste the littel bit of summer we have. I don't mind having to stop and come home if needed and I always have other treats for the good ones. Maybe I am crazy or maybe I am wrong and should keep them home. I guess I am selfish, I want to see the movie and I am tired of staying in the house.

A miracle has happened, my son got really mad twice and did not hit, kick, or spit on me! I am so proud of him. I think he is sleep walking at night. He wakes up several times a night a to use the restroom or so I thought and I find him standing in the hall crying. Most nights I can take him back to his room quietly but a few times he just cries and won't answer me. Last night I rocked him back to sleep and he was so beautiful in my arms that i realized how much I am falling in love with him and his sisters. I can't believe how a mother can love and bond with a child that treats them the way they treat me. I was surprised and overwhelmed at the thought I am doing this. I long for them to heal and feel the same about me but I know there is a chance my feelings will not be returned. As I got them ready to go out this morning I realized some of them are starting to bond with me too. My children are resilent.

Lots of things are happening but I do not have the time or energy to write about them all. Kids are still here as an extended visit, DFCS can not work out their Level of Care so we are just long term babysitters. That sucks! We are really getting worried about money b/c they are so expensive. I have to buy school supplies, shoes, clothes, and haircuts before school and will not get reimbursed b/c they are not formally here. DFCS is not paying anyone for the kids and I am more than a little pissed off. Don't get me wrong, we are not doing this for the money but we can't do it without it. Our case has gone all the way up the food chain. I got an email from Governor Perdue letting us know everyone is involved and who he had assigned to keep an eye on this case. I just want to be sure this is going to be ok. I am happy with the basic rate even though they are not basic children.

My kids are a mess. I did get to sleep last Saturday night b/c my DH and MIL took the kids to a movie. They are all over the place. I can't shop with them b/c someone throws a fit. I am being hit, bit, spit on, pinched, screamed at, and basically abused by my beautiful children. My DH sees nothing, thank goodness he believes me. DD loves the kids, they are good to her for the most part and she loves having someone to play with. Let's face it if one is mean, she finds another. I am so proud of how great she is doing. With that said, my 6 and 7 yr old have taught her to french kis the dolls. She thought they were licking them, EEWWWW!

I am having a little trouble with the oldest, she refuses to give up her mother role and it seems to be getting worse. She is very sweet most of the time but will sulk when I have to correct her. The one they said was the most difficult has turned out to be the easiest to deal with. Her tantrums are loud and obnoxious but better that than being hit or kicked like with the younger ones. Let it out, girl, just not on me. Down from there the 6 and 7 yr olds are the hardest for the reasons I mentioned. I can handle their incestuous relationship and do not let them out of my sight but quit spitting in my fucking face! The twins are easy. They are bonding with us and rarely have a serious issue. One of them is delayed and doesn't understand most of what's going on so that can cause a moment of distress for her. She is easily turned around.

My house is a mess. Chores are difficult. I have to walk each one throuh them. It sucks. It would be easier doing them alone. DFCS will not help with daycare, I really never thought they would but it was a good try. I can't hire anyone b/c I can't afford it. School is my saving grace. Only a few weeks left. Thank God!!!! I am trying to register them now but still have not gotten all the paperwork from DFCS. Imagine that. The twins start PreK this year and have their Orientation next Saturday. They are so excited. My DD starts Kindergarten this year, I may cry she is so big and time has flown by. The others are concerned about riding the bus, they do not want to. I may try to take them since it is at the front of our neighborhood and I have to drive the twins anyway. We'll see.

My first conversation with the director of my agency and she was so very nice about it but why did it have to be about this? My 7 yr old and one of the twins were talking to me about what they wanted to wear to the dentist today and helped pick outfits for the little ones and I found an outfit for the 7 yr old in their room. I waited for her to dress and went to give the other 2 girls their clothes. Came back in and the 7 yr old says, "I was taking her picture". The 4 yr old had no clothes on and was on the bed. I was surprised to say the least but was full blown shocked when I saw the pictures. She had her positioned in 4 very disturbing pictures on her sister's camera phone. It seemed to me she could not have thought these poses up herself. Who knows. She was surprised I was surprised. I did not over react and told her that was unsafe. It was hard to keep her tuned in to me b/c she shuts down so fast but we did talk a little. She knows now that we do not touch other people's privates, look at other people's privates, show ours, and we do NOT photograph ours or others private areas. I had not thought to add that before, obviously my mistake. What else have I forgotten? I am confident they will help us out with that in the very near future with things like strangers, hanging from the roof (our son's thoughts, WOW), throwing rocks, when we should tell mom and dad stuff and what stuff is the right stuff. I had them tell me their thoughts and ideas around this. I think we are on the same page for now, I am sure they will come up with another situation we had not prepared for. They are so clever and creative. I did delete the pictures immediately for fear they would be seen. AAAHHH!!!

We woke to our 8 yr old's horrible mood, she picked a fight with anyone that would let her. Something my 5 yr old said set her off and what a roller coaster ride we had for about an hour. The 5, 4, and 6 yr olds were talking when they moved back with their mom and dad. My 5 yr old repeated what has been said a million times by everyone in the house, "if you can't go home you will all live together here with us". The 8 yr old screamed and sucked the 6 yr old in and they went after my 5 yr old. It happened within seconds and I heard it start to escalate and ran in there to see my 6 yr old shove my 5 yr old and the 8 yr old freaking out. She withdrew when I attempted to discuss and gave her the option of talking now or later. She chose later and went downstairs only to harass hte others. I called her out and she actually explained she was angry and had no idea why and 5 yr old made her mad so she went after the other girls. WOW, go girl. She was praised for verbalizing it and told she had to chose a good deed for each of the people she went after. She bawled in my lap for about 45 minutes and calmed to do her good deeds. She realized it was out of her hands about going home and it is a possibility she may not. She asked me about 10 times today if she could live here if she can't go home and if I would make her leave if she was mean to me. I reassured her she was welcome and she seemed to need me more today in a positive way. Progress? Probably not but she releases her emotions freely here.

On a MUCH better note. All of the children have seen a dentist. The younger three are fine and go back in 6 months. The older three have an appointment again tomorrow for fillings and sealants. My 10 yr old is having 4 baby teeth pulled b/c they are very loose and the other tooth has come in under it. She has been complaining about them and has not been able to eat much without pain for a couple of days. We did have some anxiety show it's evil head but the folks at the office were great and gave us a separate area to wait until they could go back out and play video games and watch Monsters, Inc. They all did as they were told by the staff. We went to lunch after the appropriate length of time and then to the park. Since we have been back, several moments of varying levels of tantrums, so they are back to normal. I was beginning to feel like I was in control of our day, thank goodness they could tell I needed some cuddle time and obliged.

So my kids are rearranging the rocks in our yard, why you ask, who the heck knows but it is something they love to do. So they are being very good and I actually sat down to rest a moment before making dinner when a child screams. I jumped up and my son is on the ground and the girls are around him. The guilt set in, I should have been out there, I should be everywhere at once, how dare I rest, you know the usual. I knew whatever happened was an accident b/c the new camera was on them and I never heard a single negative thing, they had been laughing. Back to the issue, my 8 yr old decided the rocks were getting heavy and thought it was a good idea to throw one. My son stood up at the right moment and BAM in the head.

I took a look at his head once the bleeding slowed and I knew we had a trip to make. He was so great, he did everything they said, of course never complained, and laid very still for them. I asked him later if they asked him in a special way that made him comply, he just smiled. He was very high and quite the character. He charmed all the nurses and the doctor was very impressed how he handled pain. (He can be so cute, it is so sad.) He ended up with 6 staples and 2 popsicles.

His sister had to be there to hold his other hand and to learn what she needs to do to care for him while he heals. Not sure that was such a great idea now that she was a little too interested in the process and has decided to be a doctor so she can staple other people. (Yes, I have removed all staplers from the house and explained many times the doctor has had LOTS of school to do it. I am a little nervous, I must admit.) She does seem to be concerned about him and his injury, maybe a little guilt? Probably not but a mother can dream, can't she?

I worked so hard to develop a relationship with both sets of foster parents only to have one of them shit on me. They complained about the way I am parenting, I am in it for the money, and I treat them like a baby and feed them bottles. I can not express my hurt and anger. I hav ebeen informed to stop all holding and bottles. I am furious, have I mentioned that? I had a had time being nice, I wanted to say something so bad.

Anyway the kids are home for good. It is an extended visit, so no per diem until they work it out. Guess I am all about the money. All I wanted was my kids, now I have them and we are starting attachment therapy this Friday. My kids have their first dental appointments, ever, on Monday. They are home!!!!!!!!!!

Took the kids back and I am exhausted. They had big plans for the holiday and I feel it is important for them to be involved. My son was up evey 1/2 hour or so vommitting. Of course he was fine this morning and I can't function. Four hours in the car did not help.

We had the usual tantrums but over all a great weekend. We actually took them to see Ice Age 2 and they sat through it, My MIL, her sister and her daughter, my husband, and I took all 7 so we had plenty of back up.

The cameras showed up today and were installed to the play areas. I am not so sure I am thrilled with them but I need to experiment withthem later to work out the kinks.

I would love to discuss the search for a PT nanny and attachment therapist consultaion tomorrow. Right now I am going to bed.

This is not going to be pretty so leave now if you are offended by foul language.

I am so fucking pissed off at DFCS for not getting their shit together I may explode by Wednesday. They did not have a meeting that I know of and if they did they did not let anyone know what was decided. I am working with complete morons and I want to fire them all. Problem is I do not have that authority.

They are fucking my family up even more, if that's possible. Not to mention their other foster siblings and parents. My kids cry about coming here and cry when we tell them they can't stay. Why can't I win the lottery and support them w/o the need for a stipend. I am generally a decent person, when do I get a break? I have been nice enough for long enough. I will not continue to do this, get it done or cancel this. They will go home Tuesday night and I will get them again on Friday, they had better figure something out by then b/c I am not bringing them back to the foster parents. They are done with this as well. One of them has a 9 month old baby she needs to pick up and can't until mine are moved out.

On our way home today from pick up, the 8 yr old drove everyone in the van crazy forthe last hour. As we pulled in our neighborhood I pulled over and had her get out. She had to walk, with me behind her, home.

When we arrived here, they proceeded to trash my house. Toys everywhere. I put most of the toys in the garage but the ones left they spread throughout the house. I screamed for the fist time for them. They had to all sit in time out until I calmed down. They had water all over the place upstairs in the computer area, hubby was in the next room but never looked. Gotta love him. I had them all clean up and put every toy in the play room and they must have permission to play with anything. I am done fussing over toys.

I did have a moment with my 8 yr old during this mess. I addresses my tantrumers and explained if they felt the need to throw a fit and not clean up, go for it, they would clean it up alone. SHe got smart mouthed and acted like she did not know what I was talking about. I showed her a tantrum! The kids were shocked. I asked them if I looked crazy b/c that's what they looked like when they did it. She got up and cleaned up and even did it so well she was the first done. Later she asked if that was really how she looked.

So I took my son to the doctor b/c he was complaining his ear hurt. Turns out his ear drum ruptured from a middle ear infection. His other ear is severely scarred from previous infections. Poor thing, he was really in pain and barely talked about it.

As we left the office he decided to let out some aggression and refused to get in the van and then to put on a seat belt and then started kicking the seat infront of him. I had to remove him and wait for him to get it together. It took 45 minutes of attention getting behaviors for him be able to sit in the van. He pinched me repeatedly along with kicking, screaming, ramming his head into me, pealing his nail until it bled, oh did I mention he was screaming like I was torturing him? Because we have a disabled parking sticker we park up front by the door, you know the door where EVERYONE comes in and out of and stared at us. I was really proud of myself b/c I maintained my cool and did not have to sing. I really did not mind. Most of the others were great during his meltdown and actually surprised me by cleaning out the van while we waited. One child, my 7 yr old, screamed and pulled out a pretty good bit of hair while this happened. We stopped and grabbed subs afterwards as a treat for behaving during a difficult time. The other 2 had leftover dinner from last night. Still good, but not a treat.

The kids had a visit witht their family at the visitation center Wednesday. I drove them the 2 hours there and took my DD to dinner while they visited. The ride home was hell! Their mother told them she would bring them the rest of their things next time and asked me if I was going to change their names in front of them. They all cried, no screamed all the way home. I had to pull over several times to try to calm them. It took us almost 4 hours to get home. I refuse to take them to hte goodbye visit alone, Dh will have to take off work. It was another day of hell Thursday but seemed to calm down Friday. Only to take back off this morning.

This morning I slept in b/c the kids did. The eldest (10) came in and told me our son had slipped into our 7 yr olds bed. (I must confess the alarms are on the doors but are set for a chime instead of buzz and he must not have closed the door all the way one of the many times he gets up to use the bathroom.) I started into their room and she came running back and pushed me into my room to tell me he had been humping her (the 7 yr old) earlier that AM. I kept my cool and asked all the kids to go to their room and asked them separately what they saw or did. I never accused or seemed angry and assured them I would not yell and they would not have to leave (the eldest asked over and over).

What I can figure out is he crawled into her bed and they moved to the 8 yr old's bed and I think the 8 yr old took off the 6 yr old's pull up and they 7 and 6 yr old fondled and humped each other. The 8 yr old tried to push them off her bed and never said a word to them. She later tried to get off the bed but one of the kids held her foot and asked her not to tell. Another point is all 3 of them are delayed and have RAD.

Luckily, all 3 of the 4 yr olds slept very late in a separate room and never knew anything happened. This is lucky b/c they slept about 3 hours past the usual wake up time. After breakfast we sat all the kids down and without pointing any fingers or saying names we explained one of our children had touched another child's private parts in the early morning and thay the alarms are being set to buzz and new rules were being imposed. The DD I have had since she was a baby said the 6 yr old must have done it b/c he keeps touching her private parts. My heart sank I had to swallow hard and I saw my DH sit up straight. The 6 yr old tried to deny it at first and she was very firm, "Yes, you do and I keep telling you to knock it off!" He became silent. I did not allow her to go into the details in front of the kids but did say she was right we do not allow ANYONE to touch our private parts. She asked me in private if she did it right and I told her how proud I was and if it ever happened in the future she should tell me right away. She does not seem tramatized at all but irritated by it. He never touched her skin but did try to touch her panties.

Some of the new rules are
1. All bedrooms are locked during the day unless I open them for a specific reason.
2. When playing hide and seek, every kid must hide alone.
3. Doors are set to buzz and I must see them reenter their room at night.
4. At shower time, the dressing and undressing must be done in bathroom with door shut the entire time. (up until now, we keep our son in another room and the girls come out in a towel and leave the bathroom door open b/c they are scared NO MORE) I will stand in there if they need me to but the door is closed.
5. They must play in a public room at least 3 at a time or with me present. (sometimes I just can't be with all of them so if they are in the living room with several children I think that should do while I am using the restroom or something)
6. I am putting baby monitors or a speaker system in their rooms and play area. (DH is looking for one right now)

Did I under react? I am trying not to freak out b/c I don't think it would help them feel like they can tell me future incidents. I think I expressed how serious this is without flipping out. I am committed to these kids, realized how comitted when my daughter said he had touched her and I was not mad at him but felt bad for him. He is my son and she is my dauhgter, I love them both. I have to protect ALL the kids. I want to make sure I have looked at all the angles and have covered them so it does not happen again, I know I can not be everywhere all the time, but I must do better.

Very sad thing happened today, my 8 yr old was told to throw a box she destroyed during a meltdown yesterday away. She took the usual half an hour to comply and meanwhile the other children and I had moved on with life. We were all in my room talking and playing on the computer when I heard her crying. This is not unusual so I did not jump up to her rescue, I assumed she was still mad about having to clean up after herself. She started screaming and I did not recognize the sound so I ran down to her, thinking she was hurt. Turns out she didn't see me around the first floor and though I had left her behind. She actually sobbed in my lap until she fell asleep clinging to me. I felt horrible. I know I didn't do anything wrong but I was surprised she became so upset. She has not left my side, literally, the rest of the day. My husband took the other girls with him to get a part for his truck and ice cream and she refused to leave me behind. As I am typing this she is about 2 feet away in my bed watching news instead of playing. I wonder what happened in her past that has her so upset. I would love to get feedback if anyone has any ideas, she won't talk to me about it at all.

Found out that DFCS is stopping all of the family visits for the kids and are doing so at the end of the month. They still have not told the family or the kids or my worker for that matter, just hte foster parents. The timing is crappy, it makes it look like we are stoping the visits. I am more than upset but at the same time a tiny part of me is relieved I won't have to make that drive every other week. I understand why they ar stopping the visits, TPR was granted but they told us they would continue them until hte appeal was over. I wonder if they are trying to show the parents they need to agree to drop the appeal or else. I wish it wasn't at my expense. The kids will have some contact after the adoption, so why play games with this now. Crazy fools.

The weekend was eventful. Our son had a really hard time and I have had to enforce the "Not outta my sight" rule for him. He hits with regularity any time he feels like it and lies to my face after he had been caught. I found many broken toys and DVDs throughout the house that I am sure he hid. He screamed lovely things at me when he was angry and informed his foster mother upon his return that he was never going to that place again.

Our 8 yr old refused to cooperate and ended up chosing to stay in her room and scream for 2 hours rather than pick up a few items of clothing. She had several meltdowns this weekend and they seem to be escalating. I am called wonderful names and she spits, screams, throws things, makes herself throw up, kicks, and hits. An all around good time for all. The good thing is she screams I am hurting her (I am definitley not)and the other kids would come running. Sunday they just kept going about their business and the eldest even told her to "knock it off, she ain't hurting you" during a bad one. She has to clean up her mess after a fit and does it easily.

These kids will eat anything and they never stop amazing me at mealtime. Most of them love the new chores I have given them. I have paired them up to do the hard ones and they are fighting over who gets to do it. I know, that won't last but I can dream can't I?

Father's Day has come and gone and my husband was the laziest person alive (if that's what you call alive). He stayed in bed for breakfast, served by the kids, and refused to get up until 1:30 PM. Then he just came down and sat in his chair until dark! He barely moved and I am not sure he ever got up to use the bathroom. Talk about milking it. He would ask the kids to get his lunch and drinks b/c it was Father's Day. They loved it and waited on him hand and foot. We do not usually let them do thse things for us for obious reasons so they got a kick out of it.

One of the twins threw a huge fit in the store and actually had to be carried out. This stupid woman actually interupted our meltdown to ask if the child had braces on her feet b/c she did as a child, too. WTF? I was pissed! How rude. I responded to her that it was so kind of her to point out my child's disability at a time when she needed to be reassured she was loved. I have noticed how rude people are to me in public. I get snide remarks under their breath and they tell my kids how to behave and such. I told a woman at the doctor's office who insisted on correcting my kids, "Thank you for parenting my children." For the most part, they are good in public, I am trying to figure out my limits.

The same child struggled at home later and most of the weeeknd. Her standard response was "NO!" regardless what the question was. She is probably the most healthly emotionally of the children. She was pretty clingy when she did calm down and the last day was an angel.

My son runs to the defense of any of his siblings and is qick to yell at the one in charge of hurting them. While my 7 yr old cries and threatens to throw stuff at me when I had to hold the twin in a safe position during a fit she was having. My son and this 7 yr old later plucked the letters off my laptop and lost them.

My 8 yr old was held during a fit last weekend to protect her from herself. This weekend, while I was holding the 7yr old during lunch b/c she lunged at me screaming, "You don't love me!!!" in a voice that came from deep within her, was happy to explain to the others, "Mommy does love her and she is just keeping her safe. Don't worry she is a good Mommy and she knows how to keep us safe and she is not hurting her." (Everything I have said to her while I had to keep her from hitting herself and destoying her things.) I only found out later from my husband and was amazed at how she applied our momments together last week to her sister.

There is point when you begin to feel like your new children are yours. I did not think it would be this soon but I am starting to feel this way. It is an amazing feeling. They are very active and angry kids. They are needy and clingy. They are becoming mine.

Turns out there is a freeze on per diems in several counties here. This county places all kids, regardless of their needs, on the basic level. They do not even go through the process of assessing the children and putting them on a level. With this being said, my agency informed me the hold up is being dealt with and the Office of Adoptions is giving htem a waiver to lift the freeze in this case. The children will be assessed and placed on the appropriate level. Yeah!!!! Of course it is taking some time but it will be done.

I will pick up the children tomorrow but we are not sure when the actual move in date will be. I think we have all agreed it is better fot the older girls to do it first. They have stopped all therapy sessions and they need it the most. Their foster family planned a vacation the week they were supposed to leave so they have to be out by June 18th. It will probably happen by then without a huge issue.

Another huge thing happening is we have decided to move! Not your usual look for a house and move. We bought this house last summer anticipating a multicultural family, turns out our kids are white and use the "N" word in casual conversations. (We do not and have never so it is quite shocking) They will be attending a school that is only 14% white, this is obviously an issue. My husband mentioned this issue to a man he has done side work for for awhile, his response was, "I have a great home for you!". Turns out he is buyng the house accross the street from his old house and planned on leaving the old one vacant for friends and family when they visit.

We went to look at it and were shocked! First of all the house accross the street is an ESTATE! Really he paid almost $5 million for it. The house on the other side of our new home is listed for $3 million. Our home is no where near that much but probably in the $1 -1.3 million range. It is a traditional looking home like something I have seen in older CT homes. It sits on Lake Lanier and has a beautiful view. The general living space is at least 3 times the size of what we have now, probably 4 times. It includes 5 bedrooms and 4 baths, huge country eat in kitchen, screened in room, deck that runs from one side to the other, very large dining room (I will never find a table to fit in it), gorgeous built ins in the office, a full finished basement, and a tennis court. I am not kidding! The floors, I forgot the floors, unbelievable antique looking slat wood floors. This house was built to look very old, it even has a fireplace in the kitchen. I can't believe we are going to live in such an incredible home.

He has offered this to us for a couple of reasons, the first one is everyone in the area only visits their homes and no one actually lives in their homes so his children have no playmates. The other is he makes a ton of money off my husband and it insures my husbands loyalty to his jobs over others. He claims my husband saved him $80,000 last year and he will save at least that much this year. Of course it helps that he is a millionare many times over and does not need the income from the home. He promised not to sell it for at least 5 years and will put that in writing. He keeps trying to convince me to run one of his businesses and this will give him the opportunity to push the issue next year when all of the kids are in school fulltime. (I'll be ready then so the answer will be "YES")

Did I mention he is charging us what we currently pay on our mortgage as the rent? The utilites are about the same but the gas has already been paid for the year so it will be cheaper this year. It is hard to believe this is happening to us!

Ok, now I am pissed off! The foster mom of the younger ones called today to tell me DFCS had finally called her and said the kids would not be moving TOMORROW. She already knew this from me but the fact they waited until the day before is so rude. They also told her the reason is we and our agency are trying to get more money from them and the placement may not happen because of it. WHAT THE HELL? The foster mom is the one that informed me the kids were not on the correct level and she had tried numerous times to get them to reevaluate them and put them on the correct level so the per diem would increase.

I called my agency, who is fantastic about everything, my worker was out and I was put through to her supervisor. She listened and then explained that while this had a ring of truth to it it was not the real picture. DFCS has asked my agency to step out of the picture so they would not have to pay the fees and increase the per diem. My agency said this is unethical and refused. DFCS threatened to not follow through with the placement and my agency went to the state Office of Adoptions. We are waiting for their decision tomorrow. She assured me they would not stand in the way of placing 6 children and felt it was another tactic to get us to leave them and do this directly with DFCS.

DFCS has out right lied to us about these kids needs and history. This is all about the money for DFCS. Yes, the county is poor and I understand this may be a strain on them to pay the correct amount. No, we would not refuse the kids if they couldn't pay the full amount. The kids deserve the full amount and without it it will be tough, I may have to find a part time job because of this crap. Our kids are all on the basic level right now. Keep in mind the curent diagnosis for the kids are as follows: 4 have Reactive Attachment Disorder, 3 are borderline MR, the other 3 have learning disorders and need extra tutoring, 1 has ODD, 1 has CP, and 5 have severe speech disorders (2 of them I can't understand). Does this sound like they are on the basic level of care? Hell no! We want them, we adore them, we can't imagine life without them. Now our hearts are being held hostage. They can keep the money just give me my kids!

Another weekend under our belt and hopefully the last visit. Our worker let me know there seems to be an issue with DFCS getting assessments done on each child prior to placement. They did not do one on any of them and now they want to hold up placement. The state office is involved and have offered a waiver so they can go ahead and move in and then do the assessments. I hope they get it together, I can't keep up these long drives a couple of times a week.

It seems as if the kids are getting more comfy with us. P had a meltdown and I had to sit with her. Our son broke and threw away all the toys he got for his bday Saturday. D and A cried about everything (another child stuck out their tongue and the other acted as if she was beaten). Tons of inappropriate hugging with my extended family. The oldest puts herself on a completely different level than the other kids and constantly tells me what to do about or with the kids. C took of her leg braces too many time to count (she has to wear them 18 hours). Overall a good weekend, we are happy to see the behaviors and get going on dealing with them.

I noticed a couple of things about them, they cry for every little boo boo but no tears if they have blood or are seriously hurt. Many of them do not know how to "play". They seen to copy my DD and her reactions but are not doing things for themselves. I don't know how else to explain it. It is kinda strange to watch. The other thing is none of them say please, thank you, your welcome, sorry, or excuse me. You don't notice it until it is not there. They will say it after I remind them but NEVER on their own.

Yesterday I found out the kids were running fevers and throwing up, today I woke up with a fever. Damn those kids! Just kidding. I guess we passed something around while they were here.

We have worked out visitation for the next month with both foster moms. I will be picking them up every Friday at 11AM and returning them every Monday at 6PM. I think we may have to adjust the Monday time b/c of traffic. I do not want another 2-4 hours extra.

I spent the entire day at Good Year geting my water pump replaced. I was not a happy camper b/c I was running a fever the whole time. There was nothing to go do while this was being done so DD and I waited. She was so good. She tried so hard to entertain herself.

My husband is going right now to pick up our new kitchen table. I sold our old one while he was out of town for work and had a man make us a 7 foot picnic style table. He does a beautiful job and designed it to fit perfectly in our kitchen. I thought we could fit more rear ends in a bench seat than we could fit chairs. I even took the kids to the park and had them all sit on a 6 foot bench to be sure it would be comfortable. DH thinks I am crazy. We had a 12 foot picnic table as a kid and loved it. We'll see.

Well well well, 2 posts in a day, it is definitely a record. My worker called a few minutes ago and informed me the kids will not be moving in Wednesday. It seems we are dealing with a county that is very limited financially and has these kids all on the basic level of care. None of them should be that low. Many of them should be MUCH higher. Now, 4 have RAD, 1 has CP, 4 have severe speech delays, and 3 are borderline MR. At least that is the latest information about them, it seems to change depending on who you talk to.

Their county has not completed the assessment packets that are required to place them as foster to adopt. They were trying to get out of it. Now their move in date is delayed indefinitely. It could be a week or a month, we just have no way of knowing.

The best part is I get to tell the foster parents and kids! Isn't that nice? Gotta love how these people delegate. At least they are going to be flexible about visits. They don't care how much or how often as long as we work it out with the foster parents.

I received a call this morning, it was bad news, a dear friend from our younger years has passed away. I was friends with his entire family (cousins, Gma, uncles, and mother). He lost control of his car on his way home from work and hit a fence. He died instantly. He is an only child and his Mother is devastated. She is bringing his body back tomorrow.

My husband and I will attend the funeral. I am sure it will be packed with our friends from our youth. It seems the only time we ever see any of them is when one of us dies. It has been awhile since we have had to do this, the last time was for his uncle.

I am not sure how we will work out care for the kids but this is very important to us and we will manage. I can't imagine taking them and hope it does not come to this but we both need to go.

He was a friend for more than 20 years. We will think of him often and miss him terribly.

We all survived our first night together!!!! My nieces and daughter road with me to pick all the kids up so it was 10 to 1. We got there around 11 AM and it took until 1:30 PM to go 6 miles dur to a serious accident on the highway. It was a very hard trip back to our house b/c of all the traffic. I am begining to see a trend in the trips to and from their house, the 2 hour trip sometimes takes 4+ one way.

We stopped for lunch and all went well. The 7 year old got her feelings hurt b/c one of the 4 year olds did not want to sit with her. She ended up pouting for a good hour and then was fine. All in all, they did very well for being in the car for 4 1/2 hours.

We picked up pizza and they played around the house. They loved the house and the yard. They ran around playing with everything. Everyone cleaned up w/o an issue.

Bath time was an experience. Before we headed up, we sat all the kids down and explained we will not for any reason touch their private parts. They would be responsible for washing themselves, we would help with hair if needed. They thought that was funny, we wanted to get it out in the open that their private parts are their own. The oldest girl understood why we said this, we have always had a simular conversation with our girls when they first moved in. It leaves the door open to talk about appropriate touching later.

My husband went to the store to buy pullups and our son went with him. A teenager pulled out and squealed a tire, so our son started talking about his father doing such things and his temper. He then asked my husband if he does these things. My husband is a very calm fun person and does not have much in common with his father and told him he wold not be squealing his tires when he gets mad. He said, "My Daddy spanks me hard, do you spank hard?" My husband was surprised this came up so early on but replied, "I don't ever spank, that is something you don't have to worry about here." He was thrilled with it and started talking about other things.

Everyone went to bed fairly easy and were dry in the morning. I was so worried they would need me in the night, I barely slept or ate for that matter. I may have stumbled onto a much need weight loss program, adopt 6 kids simultaneously.

We went to the park on Saturday and played for about 30 minutes and the heat became too much for them and we went home. My husband had to take our son to the restroom while we were out, now this does not seem like a big deal unless you consider we only have had a girl and I did all of the bathroom stuff. Anyway, I tell him to go with dad and my husband's eyes became huge, like a deer caught in the headlights. He whispers to me that he had no idea what to do. I just laughed him off and when he came back they were very proud of themselves. He was afraid he would have to hold him over the seat or participate in some way. It will be something I will laugh about for some time!

Ok, time for me to vent a little bit. The older kids foster mom traded in her minivan for a truck. She laughs and tells me the kids wanted to know where they were going to sit. Duh! How else would they feel? She does not enforce seat belt laws either and the 10 year old rides in the front seat. What do I do? I am trying to maintain this relationship for the kids but some of the things she does really bothers me. She has stopped taking them to therapy and is just waiting for them to leave. I guess there are only 2 weeks and they will be here. I did say something to her about the seat belts and I hope it will help. But then I found out she drove the younger ones without car seats.

Friday we will have them all again for the weekend and our son turns six. We are making brownie sundaes and going to the Laser Show at Stone Mountain afterwards. My sisters and their families and both of our families will join us for sundaes briefly. I am keeping it small so the kids are not overwhelmed.

I am completely aware we are in the honeymoon phase but I love it. They are so good right now, none of the behaviors we have heard about. Can't wait until it all starts , you know, get it over with.

We lost the keys to the van and were in a state of panic the morning of the visit. We ran to the nearest Dodge dealership and had another key made. Guess what? The key did not work. Luckily as we were freaking out my husband looked down in the grass and there they were! We were then only about 15 minutes behind and would have easily made it up had we not encountered road construction. So there we are frantic about being late and the highway comes to a dead stop! It took us 2 hours to go 5 miles!!!!! I am not kidding. I had not eaten breakfast b/c I was nervous and now I was starving. My dauhgter was in the back asking every 2 minutes if we were almost there. My husband kept trying to tell me everything was ok. We did warn the FP about the traffic but I hate it when people are late and the poor kids were very anxious about our visit.

We get there and pick up the older kids first and then head over to get the younger ones. They were laying down for a nap and were thrilled to see all of us. Everyone was hungary so we headed to Fire Mountain (the kids chose and it is a buffet). We spent $60 and with the 25 trips to the restroom and 55 trips to the buffet, I never ate a bite! We were approached by 3 other familes and told how wonderfully behaved our beautiful children were. I would have been grateful but I couldn't look at them long enough to see who was saying it. The kids were great, I need more practice in coordinating the kids. I have no idea what they would eat and I don't know how long they can hold it so most of the experience for me was in a standing position and running back and forth to the potty.

Then we rented a hotel room and took them to the pool. That went very well. We painted toe nails and swam. The kids were really good. Of course someone had to push the limits a little and the 8 yr old did. She sulks when she gets caught doing something and she recovered. I didn't have the time to focus alot on it and she got it together quickly.

We took them to eat McDonald's before going home and that went fairly well. Big kids went home first and we took tons of their stuff home with us. When we got the younger ones home they bawled. It was very hard leaving them.

We have them this weekend from Friday morning to Saturday night. They will stay at our home. I have so much to do to prepare.

I was finally able to talk to the kid's therapist. Turns out 2 more of the kids probably have RAD. I am not surprised but am pissed that DFCS probably knew this and did not tell us. She feels the kids will do fine with our daughter and we seem like a good match. She encouraged us to seek attachment therapy and not to give up.

I feel like we can handle these kids. I think we are a good match. I worry about the financial strain the first few months. My stomach has been invaded by a flock of butterflies on caffeine. I am having a hard time going to sleep (not unusual for me).

Can't wait for the kids to come here!

Tomorrow we have the kids for the whole day! There is NOTHING to do in their little town for that huge window of time. We have decided to rent a hotel room to use the pool. I bought the younger 4 swim suits with the life jacket built in so they don't drown on our first outing.

We have gotten to talk to them a couple of times this week and it was great. They are so cute in the phone. Our son got back on to tell me he loves me and I am his new Mommy. The girls all want to talk to my husband. I am ok for a minute but he is the funny one. They are all excited to meet our daughter. She refused to get on the phone but was comfortable yelling across the room things to them.

We have decided after a long talk that we are going to have to spend the money on a 15 passenger van. I am nervous about having a payment again, it's been 6+ years since we have had one. I looked around and found one that is a great deal but needs a paint job. It's only 4 years old and was used as a work van for painters so they took out all the seats in the back and destroyed the carpet. The guy removed the carpet so now you see the metal, I don't mind b/c it will be easier to sweep out now. The roof has rust spots on it from the ladders they had up there. I hope the kids are not embarrassed until we can repaint it. The payment is something I think we can handle and it is only for a couple of years.

My worker called today and they want to move up the placement date to June 3 and June 10. We are still waiting to hear from the kids SW about this. The foster moms called me upset this week that the kids are having a hard time between visits b/c none of them understand time and days of the week. We are only moving things along a tiny bit but we are getting closer.

Anyway more later, I hope we are able to sleep tonight. I am keeping my fingers crossed it does not rain!!!!!

We met the children's parents last Wednesday and it went well. They were as nervous as we were. The kids gave me a plant for my Bday and for Mother's Day. My fingers are crossed I do not kill it before they move in. You know it will be the first thing they look for in our house.
Not a ton I can say about the visit, it went by too fast, only 1 hour long. We have an all day visit this Saturday and we are really looking forward to being alone with them for awhile. Our daughter gets to meet them then. She is really excited and has been counting the days.
We are falling in love. It is amazing what happens to your heart. I feel responsible for them already. Getting to know them is a whole other process, love comes easy with this group. They are thoughtful and sweet, let's hope that part lasts.

We met the kids!!!!!!! The honeymoon has started. They were on their best behavior. I can not tell you how gorgeous they are. They were all over DH and he thought it was great until I asked him to think about our daughter and what her reaction is to new people. She would NEVER hang or hug a person within a few minutes.

The oldest three were first and they showed us all their cheerleading tricks. They fipped throught the yard for an hour. One child repeatedly got hurt, DH fell for it but I was a bit weary of her falls. The only thing they wanted to know was what color was our house.

The oldest is a mother hen but sweet and smart. The next 2 have a hard time speaking and are delayed mentally as well. It is as if they have the word they want in their head but can't get their mouth to say it. The foster mother was kind and had a finger foods ready for us with fantastic sweet tea. She is having ahard time with their move and how she found out.

I love the other foster mother. She is a single mom with 5 kids between 3-5 yrs old. She has her hands full. She was visibly upset when she left us to our visit. I convinced her to please join us and that seemed to really help. She wsa telling the kids how lucky they were to have such nice new parents. She asked questions for them that she thought they would like to know. They have so many things to move with them it is not even funny. She offered to send their beds and everything, we declined b/c we have their rooms set up.

The younger three are adorable and after they warmed up a bit they were all over us. We had a very hard time understanding the older 2 and the youngest had to interpret for them. She seems to be their mother hen. SHe has braces on her legs and has CP but it did not slow her down at all. The boy is so darn cute, he is all boy! He loves trucks and cars. He is very happy he will have a Spongebob room. He is very delayed, proably about a 3 year old level. The other girl was fascinated with my breasts. She had a hard time not focusing on them. Nothing inappropriate, just amazed at their size. She, too, is delayed a little. We all think stability will provide them what they need to grow.

I am so thrilled to have finally met them. You start falling inlove the minute you have the names and when you meet your kids it starts to sink in...they are my kids. Good or bad, we will love them and are prepared for an extremely difficult first year. Both foster families insist they are great kids, we are still assuming it will be a hard transition and are committed to seeing this through.

I worry about our daughter getting jealous of the atention these kids will need and demand. She is used to having all the hugs she wants, now she will have to share us. She is a great kid and I am sure she will benefit from having siblings even if it hurts alittle at first.

Speaking of our daughter, she had a visit with her sisters that did not go well. I will talk more about it tomorrow b/c it is a whole page in itself. I do not know how to continue that relationship. It must be done but i do not know how.

We met the kids tomorrow! I called the foster parents last night to arrange a time to be there and WOW what a conversation. I talked to one of them for about an hour and a half and the other for over 3 hours!

The foster mom of the younger kids is thrilled they have found a forever home. She has had them for a year and will be supportive of us as best she can. She was very frank and helpful in giving info about their needs and what behaviors to expect. She keeps the older group sometimes on the weekend and said this group is as good as it gets with foster children. (Her words not mine) She claims they have problems but as long as they are supervised they are manageable. They do struggle to do simple tasks but not out of anger, just b/c they do not know how. She says she will miss them terribly.

The foster mom to the older kids had all 6 of them for 2 years when they were returned to their parents and eventually got the older 3 back but did not have room for all of them. SHe said she was very mad at this situation and I was worried the first 10 minutes of the conversation that she might sabatoge this for the kids w/o meaning to. She really opened up about her feelings and I comforted her by telling her we do want the kids to maintain healthy relationships in their lives. SHe has had an important role in their young lives. She apologized for refering to me as "that woman" prior to our conversation and we both laughed when I told her she could call me anything as long as she did not call me late for dinner. SHe is supportive of the children being together and agrees to help make that happen.

She does have a close relationship with the kids parents and warned me to watch out that they may try to take them and run. She says they will not harm us or the kids and that they really love them and want what is best for them. They are heartbroken that they won't ever get their children back. She also warned me they have an extensive history of false allegations against the foster parents, all of them except her.

DFCS begged the parents on Wed to consider dropping the appeal in exchange of an open adoption. It makes me feel like this is some sort of bribe. We agreed to an open adoption either way. The parents have low IQs and may not understand what open adoption is or thatthis is a bribe of sorts. We get to meet them on Wed so my fingers are crossed that all goes well. I am hoping the foster mother says some god things about us and that will ease their minds a little.

Byt he way, I have a pop up blocker on here that does not allow me to spell check. It is driving me crazy!!!!!!!!

I have been focusing on educating myself on Cerebral Palsy and cleaning out the garage. One is very interesting and the other is a nightmare. I feel like I have the basic info now to move forward and look for the specialists that our daughter will need. I was amazed at all the great help I got from parents on a Yahoo group I belong to. They responded quickly and gave me lots of helpful hints and told me what to expect. In the begining, I felt kinda overwhelmed about the CP. I had no idea what to ask or how to get started. These people told what kind of treatments to expect, where to go to find doctors, and even how to deal with the school system. Thank you OurCPKids!

About that garage.....I hope to have a yard sale in a couple of weeks to get rid of everything so the little kids have a place to ride their bikes off the street and I can sit in the shade to watch. It is not going as well as I planned. I am forced to babysit a little boy whos mother works for my husband. This does not allow me the time to go out there and get it done. I was able to work up the nerve to tell her I can't after this week. I will still have my niece but she does not require 100% of my attention and understands what "NO" means. So I am thinking I may put the garage off until next week. (Yes, I am procrastinating!)

My husband is out of town this week and my daughter is sleeping in my bed. I have not slept well. I do not know how some families co-sleep. I have a whole new respect for them to do so for the sake of attachment. I will not be doing it. I am woried about breaking my daughter from the habit of crawling into my bed early in the morning on the weekend. I am afraid I will have 7 children in there every Saturday and Sunday. At the same time I remember doing it to my parents and loving the smell of their pillows. I have a feeling they will just boot me out and take over.

Still no word from the SW confirming the schedule we have. I guess the foster parents are either ok with it or are having a really hard time with it. I hope they are ok. I would be heartbroken. I hope they decide to continue a relationship with the kids. They have been a big part of their lives. We will definitely encourage them to do so.

This woman is either so busy she needs to hand off some of her caseload or she is completely unorganized and incompetent. At the Staffing we discussed and made a tentative calender for the transition. She was supposed to tell the foster parents she has a forever home for the kids the next day and a week later she had not talked to them yet. As of today at 5PM she still has not let us know if the schedule was a go or not. It is so frustrating.

We had our Staffing with the kids SW, her Supervisor, our worker, her Supervisor, DH, and I last Tuesday. We found out the FPs, BPs, and the kids have no idea this is happening. Their therapist thinks that until the TPR appeal is over we should just say this is a move to put the kids together. The SW was supposed to have the conversation with everyone last Wednesday or Thursday but we have not heard anything yet.

After the very interesting conversation about the kids and where they are in school and all kinds of great stuff about them and their family we recieved their full files and WOW were we surprised. We got all the good stuff in person and read the files to find a completely different prospective. Several have school issues, one steals, one destroys her things, and many more things that were not mentioned.

Everyone agreed the kids would receive Attachment Therapy once placed here. We are very close to a center and since there aren't many centers, we are lucky. It was extremely important for us to be supported in the therapy and we are very pleased they were willing to allow them this. I have some experience with attachment parenting and have read a ton of books recently to refresh my memory. I really was not aware how much of it I was taught while working with kids in the institution and group home. I am concerned that I will not have the time to work with each child individually and what if they have a tantrum? I will be occupied with a child, will the others use this time to freak out and destroy the house or hurt another child? I am hoping to work out a system when I can figure out their behaviors.

The thing that stands out was the relationship between the parents and kids. The SWs said they are very bonded and love the kids and hoped for them to continue a relationship after the adoption, the files had a Family Assessment done and said the Mother had a "flat affect" towards the kids and visits. Other assessments said the kids did not respond to the parents when they walked in or out of a room. They did not rely on the parents to meet their needs and asked others to do so. I am very confused and have requested to watch a visitation between the kids and their parents without their knowing. They have them in a visitation center and the room has a one way mirror, I am hoping to meet with the FPs there to get more info in their current behaviors.

DFCS has agreed to let us speak with the therapist, FPs, teachers, OT/PT, and former FP that is also their speech therapist. I hope to get some insight on what is really going on. With so many points of view, I think we can get a good idea of what to expect.

We have set up a calender for our date to meet the kids and start visitation for the month of May. They will progress and end in an overnight for the weekend and then they will move in the following weekend 3 at a time. We are ready and excited to meet them and get this going, at the same time, I am scared to death.

Emma has started to freak about school and I have to wonder if she is stressing about the pending situation. I am so why wouldn't she be? She has started a little bit of baby talk and wants to be held more, so I am doing what I can to comfort her. Her world is about to come to a screeching halt. We have made arrangements for her to have sibling visits and DHs Mother's home for every other weekend so she can have a reason to get away and get some needed one on one time. She is really happy about it and missed her sisters.

We had the Child Presentation today! A few things surprised us, most we had assumed would be an issue. All 6 have speech delays and 5 are considered severe, 4 have borderline intellectual functioning, 2 have RAD and Adjustment Disorder, and one has ODD. I am scared. I am convinced it is nearly impossible and still is what I have always dreamed. I know there will moments of doubt, that I will regret this decision briefly many times. I also know my top 100 moments are yet to come. I have no doubt I will love these children, my only fear is will they ever love me?

I have some idea of what I am about to get myself into, but what if I am wrong? How will my dauhgter be affected? Will she be grateful for someone to grow up beside or will she be injured by the dangerous child next to her?

My DH said the sweeted thing to our worker this morning. He said her knows he has not met these kids but he already misses them. He announced he was ready to move forward without a moments hesitation. I sure hope he is ready for this huge change. We have talked in length today and I feel he has thought it through NOW (at least I think so).

More about the kids behavior and personality. The eldest,10, is parentified and very kind. She enjoys joking around and reading to her sisters. I worry the most about the 8 year old, she has some serious issues but is not harmful to others. She hates school and can be aggressive when angry. The 7yr old is a swet child that is starting to copy her older sisters behaviors. The 5 yr old boy is a handful at school and very small for his age. One of the 4 yrold twins has Cerebral Palsy and is the least delayed in speech, the other is very talkative but difficult to understand.

We have decided to hire a nanny of sorts to help me spend individual time with the children and to be an extra set of eyes when DH is working. A maid serice will come in once a week so I won't be crazy about the house.

DH has reluctantly agrees to put the wide screen away until the children can handle not destroying things. He was very upset but agrees would be more upset if they broke it in a tantrum.

We have been discussing adding another room on the ground floor and move our room down there and the destructive child into her own room. We just can't do it right away, we just finished the upstairs.

I have so many things on my mind right now but I will have to put them in writing later. Tomorrow I have a meeting with many of the evacuees I helped last fall. I love it when we get together. I am cooking lunch for about 30 people and must get to it.

The files arrived today!!! DFCS paid $53 to ship them to our agency. Our worker will be here Friday in the AM to go over them. I was surprised to hear they only sent infant pictures, nothing remotely current. My worker said the Child Life Histories are from within the last 6 months and the Psychologicals are from last summer.

My worker called and she has finally talked to the kids SW! The files went out TODAY! She wanted to schedule the meeting with DFCS and our agency for next week. My worker said hold off until we get the files and have our presentation of the files. We expect to do that next week and meet with everyone else the week after. I asked if it would be ok not to take the kids until school is out and she agrees it would be awful to move them with only a couple of weeks of school left.

Their SW is comfortable with us working out some sort of openness in the adoption even if we have to do it ourselves. They discussed the kids many counseling and PT/OT appointments. The kids are also still having supervised visitation with their parents that they will have to continue less frequently once they move in.

Our worker suggested we get a photo album together for them to see us and our home and any extended family we want them to see. I guess it is time to get the video camera fixed so we can talk to them. I am so excited to take a ton of pictures and get it all together for them. It will be a nice project for spring break.

Emma has pink eye. Oh lovely day! She is the cutest kid around with an oozing inflamed eye.

She is turning into such a big girl. She loves to try things on in the store and she is developing her own taste and style. What a cutie. At 4 she needs jewelry and fancy shoes.

We have decided to send out our homestudy for other sibling groups. The SW still has not sent out the files of the children and we have been matched for over 2 months. Our worker suggested we continue and not give up on this group but keep our options open while we are waiting. She thinks we are just not her priority right now and maybe we will find another group we like that will move faster. We agreed and she is looking at 2 groups that we had discussed in January. One has 4 girls ages 5 - 12 and the other has 5 girls ages 3 - 11. The last group has one child with severe emotional issues. We should hear something in a few days.

The SW still has not sent out the files on the kids! She has given us excuse after excuse. I think she was waiting for the family to be denied and then she forgot to do it afterward. I am becoming increasingly crazy. Maybe we should be worried. Maybe she is a crappy SW and does not follow through with everything. Does she even know the kids? Is her opinion accurate? What are we getting ourselves into?

I have been decorating the kids rooms and the rest of the house for that matter. It is so slow and I am to the point that I need DH to help me with the rest so it has slowed way down. He will do a couple of small things for me at night but that's it.

Nichole has come and gone.

She called Saturday night around 11:30 from her Mom's and did not leasve a message. I called her back first thing in the AM and she was already back with him. Monday her Mom called me and I convinced her to go over to her house and get her to leave and see if she was ready. She claimed she was and they called me to meet them and get her.

We met in between our homes and she looked horrible. She was once such a beautiful girl and now the drugs have taken their toll. Her teeth have turned brown around the edges and are stained from smoking. I have heard that Meth does a number on your teeth but I was not prepared for what I saw. Her hair has become very thin and she is once again covered in sores form picking when she is high. I see her face in my daughter's every day, they look exactly alike except Nichole has straight hair. How could she let herself go at 24?


She did not call him the first night but did the second day. She was so depressed. This morning, while I was out briefly, the boyfriend's parole officer called my house (her Gma called the officer b/c he had threatened Nicole at her house Monday and she felt she needed to notify the officer and gave her my #) she questioned her about the incident Monday and told her he needed to come into the office or a warrant would be issued. She must have called him b/c about 2 hours later she went out to smoke and never came back in. She left with him.

I called the officer and explaine she had left and they were both using Meth lately and the correct address where he was staying. She was not aware that 2 police reports had been filed in the last month about the domestic violence issue.

This afternoon Nichole called screaming that he had been arrested and it was her Gma, Mom, and my fault then hung up. I then received a call from the worker warning me that her was arrested and making threats. He will be released April 6 b/c he gets off Parole then and they had to let him go. He is a violent man that has been in and out of jail for violent crimes and drugs many times. Now he has it out for me and her family.

I called Nichole back and let her have it. I deserved to be told she was leaving and to just step out on the front porch and disapear was offensive to me and her daughter. She needed to grow up and be a Mother and stop being so selfish. How could she continue to put her children in danger and come in and out of all of their life w/o thinking of them.

I am so upset with her!! I said my part and hung up on her. I am done. She needs to get herself together. She is so drugged up and her relationship with this guy is so dangerous. She will not see Em until she leaves him. She is welcome to call but I will supervise conversations. Her Mom and I will continue to talk and visit but I have to protect our daughter from her right now.

On a better note, my worker called and the relatives were denied. They said there were many reasons but they are not an option. Yeah!!! I can move forward and decorate. We still have to read their files and meet with the SW, therapists, and foster parents but I don't think there is much in there to stop this from moving ahead. Our worker feels they have been very open about the children's issues and we are comfortable with all so far. Hopes are high, I hope this moves fast b/c we are ready now.

Well, The kids SW was supposed to call and let us know about the families evaluation by yesterday. No word. She promised no more than 2 weeks until we would have the answer, it has been well over 2 weeks. I gave her a couple of exra days b/c she is so busy. Maybe Monday.

I just found out my potential children's SW has been out for a week. She still does not know about the family member's evaluation. OMG! Maybe she will make this a priority!?! Probably not. I hope she is not stringing us along so she will have a family if things don't work out. She has told our worker over and over this evaluation of the family is a requirement she has To do and that we are the only REAL option she has. Our homestudy is on hold b/c we have been selected, so we can't continue to look at options if we wanted to during this time. We have to wait for someone else to decide to do their job and get around to us. I feel completely out of control of our future. Not a good feeling.

I've got the beds, linens, and SUV so where are my kids? The SW is supposed to call by this Friday with the results from the evaluation of the relatives. They went a week and a half ago to their house, so why haven't they called? Just let me know, is it too much to ask?

Back to the linens. I found the best deal on comforters and sheets. JC Penney had basic solid single color ones for $11.99! Anna's Linens had jersey sheets for $9.99! Perfect color for the beds.

The 3 older girls will have their room in bright orange and green with accents of yellow and purple. I know that sounds weird but it is pulled together by a rug and soooooo cute. The younger 3 will have pink and purple. Real simple. Our son will have SpongeBob SquarePants. They will all be able to add to the rooms their special touches to make it feel like theirs.

We bought a small sectional sofa that is pretty old but in great condition. I bought it from a super nice lady that offered us her twin mattresses. We need them bad. I will be pleased when it all is in place. The kids will have a great room for TV, video games, and their own computer. It is in a very public part of the house so we can keep an eye on things. They have their own sofa and chairs. Their playroom is downstairs off the LR.

An oil change, new tires, and a bath. The guy who is selling me the Suburban had all that done this week for me for no additional charge. Wow! Nice guy.

My husband is having a serious disagreement with his boss right now. Three of the guys my husband supervises have complained he talks on the phone to me all day. Two of these people are the guy's daughter and her boyfriend. They rarely show up even within hours of being on time if they work at all that day. All three are his helpers and could not do the job without his expertise. They do not like being "gophers" and refuse to cooperate. Another screamed he was going to quit today.

We do talk throughout the day. My husband has worked as a subcontractor for this guy on and off for 15 years. He is currently an employee, but b/c of the attitudes of these 3 people he and his boss have been talking about subcontracting again. My husband had 2 traumatic brain injuries in 2 years (1997 and 1999). Both stopped him from working for months at a time and he has suffered short term memory loss due to this. Everyone knows he has to use me for this purpose. It has never been a problem before and now it is.

So, I pulled our phone records for our house phone (courtesy of Vonage)and he has only talked on the clock 16 minutes in the last 7 days. Many of those minutes could be me leaving a voice mail to remind him of something, going between job sites, or traveling to get materials. Every other call to and from each other is during lunch and his morning break. I do not feel he is "over talking" to me. I think these people do not want to work. Oh did I mention the guy pays all the bills for his kid and her BF whether they earn it or not. I am waiting for him to come home now. Hope he has a job.

No word from Nichole or my worker. UUUGGGHH!!!

I am happy that my income check arrived as I was on the phone with IRS wondering where it was. Now we can purchase the vehicle we will need to haul our troop around in. I have not had car payment in years and was a little, ok freaking out about affording one now. My sweet husband found something that is going to ease my mind and now that the money has arrived, I will get the SUV this weekend.

We are getting an old Suburban, 1987 to be exact. It has a rebuilt engine and new transmission. It was only used over the years by the father of a friend who used it for vacations and boy scout meetings. He is very mechanical and treated it well over the years. It is white and has a good paint job on it and no damage to the body. While it is not beautiful and new, I will be able to calm down b/c we have a care to tote all of us and NO MONTHLY PAYMENT.

I worked hard cleaning the bunk beds yesterday and WOW, they were gross. I am going to need 2 new twin mattresses. I am hopeful my husband gets better soon so we can put them up. He has been getting something for awhile, he refuses to stay home and rest.

Still no additional word from Nichole. I have gathered a ton of info for her when she does call (local women's shelter, numbers to call for free counseling for battered women, and a few other things). I have decided I am going to support her any way I can but her drama needs to be away from us until she leaves him and I can not jump and go "save" her again. I am so worried and am scared she will not leave him.

On a better note, I am motivated to work on the house today. We have all the bunk beds for the kids and I am washing them on the back porch. I have prepped the kids TV/Video game/computer room and will finish painting tomorrow and move the rest of the furniture in there. I am pretty excited to have a room close to being done.

The bedrooms are another story. We can't paint until we know the color the kids want. We can at least get the bunk beds put up. My Mom called today (asked about the kids for the first time in a long time) and said the quilt she has been working on for 2 years is about done and will be ready for the youngest girls room. I plan on doing the room in pink and purple and the quilt has daisy flowers (pink and purple).

I hope to focus my husband on building a new kitchen table so we can continue to use the dining room as a play room. I would love a custom picnic table t for the eat in kitchen area. It is long but narrow and our current table is too wide and will be difficult with the kids.

Back to work for now. Emma is going to have a real surprise wwhen she gets home, her Dad let her distroy the house this weekend when he was watching her and her cousin. Every toy and book is scattered and she is going to clean it up herself.

A bit about Nichole. She is a drama queen. She is prone to stretching the truth ALOT. I have so many great things to say about her but this weekend all I have witness is her bad choices and how they are having an impact on me and my family.

She is in an abusive relationship and has on several occasions lately expressed a want to leave and not having a way out. She has stayed with us several times over the years and the offer stands until we get our new children.

I have spent money I did not have to drive an hour and a half to get her to bang on the door for 30 minutes b/c she left right before I got there. It was pouring down rain, and I was in the nastiest trailer park I could have imagined and was alone. She asked me to come get her, why did she leave? I truly believe she needs the drama for attention. After many calls to her mother and the police, the manager of the park came up and opened the door. She was not being held hostage, she had actually left. I am so disappointed in her right now I can't even think straight.

My daughter was so disappointed again that her mother didn't show up that I have made a promise to myself to never tell her again of a pending visit. I had to explain that she was not in a position to come as we thought and maybe soon she would come.

I went to Nichole's mom's house this AM to pick up bunk beds for my house and we had a long talk about her. We tried to trick Nichole and trailer trash boyfriend (not all people in a trailer park are trash, just this one) to come to her parent's house for money but they wouldn't.

I have to take a step back and protect our daughter from her right now and hope she pulls it together soon for her and her children's sake. I am sooo sad and will miss her terribly. I know it is best. I left a message that I love her no matter what, but until she leaves him she can not come around our daughter. I can't continue to deal with her drama.

I will talk later about her wonderful qualities, there are so many things I love about her.

I am having a rough time with the fact we will be the foster parents and not the adoptive parents. I know it is stupid. I want to be Mom! It is such an important role and name I have never allowed our kids to call us anything but Mr. and Mrs. D. Mom and Dad were to be reserved for their parents. We have had one child that aged out of the system and refused to call us that and to her we are her Mom and Dad and the Grandparents to her children. I WANT TO BE MOM. We will also have visits with their families which is fine , but do we drive 100 miles every week? The state will now be involved for 12 to 18 months after placement. There is the slight risk they could go back to their families. OMG! I am so stressed out. I have been depressed all day.

The good thing is we will have more time to get our home together, but I have no desire right now. I want to cry. Our agency won't even allow us to proceed until we are sure the relatives are denied. So now I have to wait some more. I wish they would just move ahead and if it falls through, ok, on to the next group. We are not in love with them, just committed. We have been through this before, if it isn't the group then just find the one that is.

I hate waiting for our worker to call me back. She has gotten so much better since I explained I am waiting by the phone for an update. I was supposed to hear from her yesterday and did not. I want the other worker to know how important open adoption is to us. That may have an impact on the extended family members trying to get the kids. They do not have room for them. They probably feel guilty and do not want to loose their family and so they will try. If open adoption was an option, maybe the parents and family could relax. Our agency won't let our worker discuss it. This would be completely up to us after finalization.

I AM PISSED AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO EXCEPT WAIT. AGAIN!!!

My worker called, the parents appealed. Not a huge let down, it just means the kids will be placed with us as foster to adopt instead of straight adoption. There are not many cases when a judge has overturned a TPR in GA and they had almost 6 years to work their plan. I am confident, so is their SW, that all will be ok on that issue. It means a few things will be different such as what they call us. We are uncomfortable with Mom and Dad if they are not in an adoptive placement.

Their SW is really worried we would back out b/c we will now have visits with the family until the appeal is denied. I don't know how it will work, so we take them there? Are we reimbursed for gas? How often will we have to go? On and on.

She moved up their relatives evaluation to this weekend so we can at least have closure on that. The Gparents will be denied (the SW is 100% sure about that). The maternal uncle can't take more than 3 children and the state is obligated to keep the kids together if at all possible. I guess that is where we come in. She said if they can't or won't do all 6 kids, we would be the priority. Still has me a wreck.

The SW wants to proceed with the Child Presentation and Staffing for the kids b/c she is so sure this is going to work out. Our agency refused to do so until the relatives are denied. They said it will take at least 2 visits for the presentation b/c there is so much info and so many kids. OMG this is going to drag on and on.

I feel like I am going to explode. My family is useless and refuses to hear about these ups and downs, so I really do not feel comfortable telling my friends either b/c if my family is tired of it everyone must be. My DH is ok with whatever, he is so laid back. He wants them to move in and get it going but he is not concerned with the details. He would rather I work out all the details and show him the kids he needs to fall in love with and he will. He is great in that way. My head is going round and round with questions and issues, it would be great to have someone to bounce it off of. Like a best friend....

I have had one since I was 16, Dana. She is pretty self centered in most ways but she would have let me talk about this for hours on end if I needed to. It was not a healthy relationship for the most part. She did help me through the last adoption and always listened to me freak out. For another day....

Well, their worker still hasn't sent the Child Presentation. She blamed it on the Clerical Dept., my worker and I had a good laugh about that b/c all the worker had to do is copy the file and mail it. There is no Clerical Dept. I understand she is very busy but come on already! I am anxious to find out more and offically accept the children. I can't even decorate until we have the Staffing and find out what they like from their Foster Parents.

Their worker also said the parents will not be filing an appeal, but 2 relatives have come forward and requested the children be placed with them. WOW! WHAT? She has assured us it is her legal responsibility to check them out even though they were denied before. I started getting worried! How long will htis take? Months like us or what? Are we expected to wait her until they figure this out? Should we continue to look for another group? My worker sent an email with all my questions Friday and I am sure it will be days until she hears back from her. Our worker said it is not uncommon for it to take a littel while to get the Presentation but the relatives popping up she has no real idea b/c their worker doesn't give any details. SHe NEVER answers her phone or returns calls, only emails.

So, now what? Wait, some more? I guess that is our only choice. We are committe dto a group we know little about and are not getting our questions answered in a timely manner.

We have been told they have very few issues, but I am wondering how they could if they have been in and out of care for 6 years. The children are all under 10, that is most of their lives. The boy has temper tantrums, is a sign of attachment issues or is it normal behavior? I am concerned. I am scared. I know love can not fix their problems but stability can help. I do not think I am living in a cloud and can fix everything for these kids, I know my life will be hell for a year or so and I hope it will get better. I believe this is what I was meant to do, parent children lost to the system and keep them together. I know I will love them, I hope I like them. I hope they come to love us and like it here. I hope my daughter will not be treated like an outsider by them. I hope she does not feel left out by us. She is awesoem and very excited about new siblings. We talk about how things will change constantly. I can't truely prepare her.

I an concerned my family will struggle with them. My Mother is not the warm freindly Grandma type. She does not seem to like many children. She spends little time with my child, but seems to remember her when shopping. She does not come to birthday parties, but sends a gift of clothes. Strange old bird is turing 60 next week and my eldest sister is throwing a party for her at a bar. Whole other story with her. SHe is alot like my Mom about kids. Barely tolerates them. Does not like her step children and IMHO was a distant mother to her only daughter. I am no longer updating them about my adoption b/c they are so negative and rude. I can't wait to surprise them once they have moved in. Both of them think I can not keep a secret and are not really interested in my life. They think I am crazy and unrealistic in what I can handle. This process takes such a long time to finsih and at the thought of making plans for the last few holidays we have had to consider we may have tons of kids and may not be able to attend certain things if they are here. My Mother and sister, Julie, have actually have said to me "I'll believe it when I see it." WHAT? It is our reality they will be here, we don't know when. We can't make huge plans for our future right now b/c we need to be flexible.

My 2 younger sisters are much better. Kiki is my best friend. I adore her. SHe is in the middle of a divorce and is finding herself. I miss her. She rarely has real time for me anymore. She is excited and will be directly effected by our adoption b/c I watch her 20 month old daughter while she works. She will have to enroll her in a daycare and she will have to pay for it. I fell awful about it, but I need to focus on my new kids. I ahve a hard time putting myself first and have always taken care of my nieces when asked. She has no one else. My kids come first, she understands. Kiki will try to get to now my kids but I don't think she will spend much time with us now that she is dating and getting used to being alone. She really isn't there for me right now and that's ok, I understand her hands are full with 3 girls (12,6,and 20 months).

Ethyl is the youngest sister. She bartends and has a 12 year old daughter. She divorced when her daughter was a toddler and has a marginal relationship with her ex. She is alot like my Mom and oldest sister, distant. If she wants something, she is nice but otherwise you do not hear from her. SHe is loud and pushy and that can be alot of fun when you are out with her.

We had met Rachael several times and was shocked in May of 2005 when she contacted us through Nichole. They asked us if we would consider adopting her unborn child. She did not want to stay at her Mother's house and was in a very bad live in relationship. We told her she and her 2 yr old daughter could move in with us and as long as she was honest about her intentions. If they changed please be honest and we would still help her, if she got back with the boyfriend she would be responsible for a small fee for room and board until she chose to leave. She reassured us constantly that she was committed to adoption and encouraged us to set up the nursery. About six weeks into it she got back with the abusive boyfriend and began a scam on us. He finally told us they were together and they were keeping the baby, she did not want to tell us so we would pay for everything and maybe give her the stuff when she left. Come to find out, she and her had a serious Meth habit and she did it until the day she came to our house. She rarely showered and neglected her child severely. We were almost relieved when she confessed. She moved out within a week or so.

We knew then we were ready to adopt again. I called a private adoption agency the next day. We had our classes the next three Saturdays and home visits the next month. By the end October we thought we were approved, turns out our file sat forever on the supervisor's desk and after a few more months we were approved and registered with the state of Georgia. As of January 23, 2006 we are approved to adopt up to 6 children ages 0 - 18 and of any heritage.

I guess what most people wonder is.....Why so many kids? We were parents in a group home and had six teen girls. It is the right number for us. It is our dream to have a house full of kids. We are gluttons for punishment.

When our worker called to tell us she said the state had sent out our homestudy automatically to a worker about a group of 6 and she was following up on a set of 4 and 5 here within the state. She went on vacation and left me a wreck waiting for new news. When she returned last Monday she called first thing and said the worker for the sibling group of six had called and spoken to my case worker's supervisor about us. After several conversations the worker decided they wanted to select us officially for the children. WOW!! Of course I answered without speaking for my husband. YES! Ok, I had spent months looking online at waiting children dreaming about which ones would be ours and ours were never listed. What a waste, oh well , moving on....

The girls are B 9, P 8, D 7, and twins A and K 4. The only boy is A 5. The only significant issues besides being ripped from their loving parent's arms are emotional, some moderate educational delays, and K has braces on her legs from Cerebral Palsy. We had hoped and requested some family or connection for the children we accepted to continue. In our wildest dreams we couldn't have thought of this connection being the parents. It seems that these children were not abused in any way. The parents were not able to care for them b/c they are illiterate and have low IQs. The state has tried to work with them and even sent the kids back at one point. The last time the kids were removed was b/c the Mom accidentally over dosed on of the girls on codeine and her lungs collapsed. Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) has been granted and the parents have 30 days to file and appeal. Their worker was confident they would not do so b/c they had stated as much.

So now we wait. Again. The worker is supposed to send a Presentation of the kids to our worker this week and then they will schedule a Staffing with the foster parents, all workers, therapists, and us.

I will talk about my unsupportive family next time. Oh goody, something to look forward to.

The baby was very sick the first few months and cried constantly from undiagnosed acid reflux. Within a day or two we noticed blood in her diaper, she tested positive for salmonella and boy that was fun. She was so sick when we got her, no wonder she was crying. I kept her in a carrier on my body for months to comfort her. She did not like the touch at first b/c she had spent her first three weeks without being held and sat in an infant car seat. Once she got used to being held and she loved it.

Visits with Emma's other mother were strained at first, we wanted her to be with us but on the other hand we were in love and terrified she wanted the baby back. We talked about it with her and she said she knew that she didn't want the baby full time. Later we realized she was so afraid what people thought of her for placing 2 children through adoption that she spread horrible stories about us. It was hard to be nice some days. The things she was saying was coming back to us from all directions. Our foster daughter, Nichole's family (Mom, aunt, and cousin) were all telling us basically the same story, we had stolen her baby and wouldn't give her back.

I was able to confront her and comfort her about the fact we understood why she was making all these claims even if she did not understand. She screamed, as she would many times since, that she didn't want anything to do with us and it hurt too bad. It would have been so easy to say "Ok" but instead told her, she had a responsibility to her child even if she did not live with her and we loved her and would talk to her whenever she felt she wanted to. No time ever We continued to invite her over and she eventually apologized for her behavior and the things she said.

She claims that our relationship is the first time she has ever known unconditional love. We have done everything we promised and more, despite her family telling us we should cut off contact with her. She has grown into a wonderful young lady and while she has spent most of her teen years and now adulthood struggling with drug addiction she is now clean.

Over the last few years she has stayed with us for a few weeks at a time. We all love those weeks together. Our daughter knows who she is and loves her. She has overheard my husband and I calling Nichole her Other Mother and it has turned into a nickname, Udder Mudder. It has nothing to do with utters, cows, or anything disrespectful. My daughter has a hard time speaking clearly and it is so cute, her Mother loved it and it has stuck.