And that's all I'm going to say about that today.
I met our new Behavior Specialist that will be working with Ruthie and Patches. She was interesting and funny. I really liked her. The only issue I see is she has no experience or knowledge of RAD. None. She was willing to research a little over the weekend for us so that is a plus. I had been hopeful the team would have at least heard of it. Maybe next lifetime.
We had a great afternoon w Patches. Woo hoo!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I was expecting the worst but was pleasantly surprised when I was able to help Patches pull it together today. She really turned it around. I'm sure all of you are sitting on the edge of your seats wanting to know how this incredible feat was accomplished. I entered a conversation with Kiki about Patches recent behaviors. Since the only 2 things she cares about since her mad crush on her friend, Noah, this Summer, is her dog and Kiki. She was moved immediately when she heard her say she was mean and it hurt her feelings. She began to sob when she heard she was afraid of her when she yells at her Mommy. When she finally stopped crying, Kiki was long gone.
We talked frankly about our different opinions on why she is losing her crap daily. She was polite and open. She wouldn't accept any affection from me until much later. She never apologized but has made it clear the next 4.5 hours until bedtime that she was making up for the last 2 weeks. She didn't make one grunt about chores. She wrote sentences for screaming at me last night. It was the first time we tried that consequence. she has too many chores built up and she loves to write. I had hoped it would feel like a consequence but be manageable. I had her write "My Mom is great!". It worked well for both of us. She bathed and gave me the first sincere hug than she has given me in months. We should be good now for a couple months. LOL.
Cyr wrote about her appointment today. She has an MRI Monday and will have a round of steroids for 9 days. We go back in 2 weeks to retest her hearing and if nothing has changed, she will be fitted that day for the hearing aids. I was so relieved he was willing to double check for us. He didn't sound optimistic but said their could be a slight chance. Cyr wanted it to be over today. She'll be much happier if they were wrong the first visit in the long run. If he was right, she'll barely remember the inconvenience in a few years. At least I would hope so. LOL
Run and vote today!
We talked frankly about our different opinions on why she is losing her crap daily. She was polite and open. She wouldn't accept any affection from me until much later. She never apologized but has made it clear the next 4.5 hours until bedtime that she was making up for the last 2 weeks. She didn't make one grunt about chores. She wrote sentences for screaming at me last night. It was the first time we tried that consequence. she has too many chores built up and she loves to write. I had hoped it would feel like a consequence but be manageable. I had her write "My Mom is great!". It worked well for both of us. She bathed and gave me the first sincere hug than she has given me in months. We should be good now for a couple months. LOL.
Cyr wrote about her appointment today. She has an MRI Monday and will have a round of steroids for 9 days. We go back in 2 weeks to retest her hearing and if nothing has changed, she will be fitted that day for the hearing aids. I was so relieved he was willing to double check for us. He didn't sound optimistic but said their could be a slight chance. Cyr wanted it to be over today. She'll be much happier if they were wrong the first visit in the long run. If he was right, she'll barely remember the inconvenience in a few years. At least I would hope so. LOL
Run and vote today!
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I'm currently ignoring death threats being shouted from behind a closed bedroom door. I know she is trying to get taken to the hospital so she doesn't have to apologize to me for being very nasty right after school. She is running out of options other than to just apologize so she is pushing things. Because I know this, I don't want to waste the kids, hospital staff, police, or my time. I'm sure she will use this as another reason I am horrible. She will twist it into I didn't protect her when she was out of control.
Everything that comes out of that child's mouth is just twisted versions of the truth. Its old. That and the police know her number, she already admitted all of my other kids like living with this family and most love me dearly. The other 2 want to but are struggling due to RAD. She has also confessed to wanting to lie and say she is being abused by me so I'll go to jail. Not a smart move if you really have that intention, if you ask me. Well, what do I know? I'm just a stupid lady doing every thing she can to help a girl that she loves find some genuine happiness
Don't forget to vote!!!!
Everything that comes out of that child's mouth is just twisted versions of the truth. Its old. That and the police know her number, she already admitted all of my other kids like living with this family and most love me dearly. The other 2 want to but are struggling due to RAD. She has also confessed to wanting to lie and say she is being abused by me so I'll go to jail. Not a smart move if you really have that intention, if you ask me. Well, what do I know? I'm just a stupid lady doing every thing she can to help a girl that she loves find some genuine happiness
Don't forget to vote!!!!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Help Me Find My People!
When I closed this blog last Fall, I didn't think I'd be reopening it. Apparently, no one else did either. I have lost nearly all of my readers. I figured in time it would pick back up and, to some extent, it has. I went from a readership of more than 1200 a day to 200. I'm not sure how to reach back out to them other than to ask you all that do blog, would you mention I'm back here? Got an idea that might help me find my people? I'm open to suggestions, too.
P.S. I almost forgot, please hit the pink button on the left and vote! I'm #7 and just a few votes behind #6 and #5. With your help, I could move up!
P.S. I almost forgot, please hit the pink button on the left and vote! I'm #7 and just a few votes behind #6 and #5. With your help, I could move up!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Dream Crusher
Kiki and I took Emma to the therapist's office today. She has always been a very anxious child and was dx'd with an anxiety disorder based on information given by both us and her teachers several years ago. It had begun to really interfere with her school and life. After a few years on meds, she asked if she could stop taking them. We believe it is her body and we need to listen to any of our children's concerns about that. She had some good points and we agreed.
She has done very well until this Summer. She slipped into a heavy depression and took her to see the pediatrician only to realize she wasn't ill, she was depressed. Once school started back, she asked to try them again. She is having a hard time coping with her anxiety. She becomes very stressed about tests, keeping up with her peers, letting her teachers down, her appearance, but the biggest thing is what her peers are doing. She becomes extremely agitated if she feels someone isn't doing things the right way, is breaking a rule, or the teacher is unaware of something. She drives herself insane with all of it.
We set her all up with the pdoc and a new therapist. She is excited and hopeful. She really needs to deal with the loss of her siblings from last Fall and now her mom has some chaos going on that doesn't feel stable to her. I'm sure this is just what she needed and she will begin to feel better soon.
Patches is home and really struggling. She has no idea how difficult it is to live with her when she is like this. The kids want to smack her and I can't blame them. She is mean to them and goes out of her way to make sure they know she doesn't like them. They are still polite and generous with her. I hope she pulls it back together before they turn on her. We keep talking about how her life is like a roller coaster and even though things are low now, they will be better again. I'm not sure anyone is buying what I'm selling though.
Michael is coming home. I think all the indecision is killing us. I insisted the RTC just move forward and make a plan. They agreed they can't do anymore for him and as long as we are willing to take him home, they will send him. Of course they made it clear, he is not healed or even doing better than he was before he came. We feel the sexual stuff is under control and every one is talking openly about feelings and concerns. That is vital to our success. We have the cameras in place and alarms still on so everyone feels safe and is safe.
I so rarely talk about the twins. They are so fantastic, I can't even begin to make you understand how lucky I am to be their Mom. They are both quite passive aggressive so we never see any anger or outward negative emotions unless they are pushed. Ella cracks me up. You can only tell how mad she is by how fast her ponytail swings as she is walking away. CP caused issues with her legs and she walks on her tippy toes. It's kinda hard for her to stomp but she gives it her best effort. When stomping off her ponytail swings ridiculously hard. I laugh out loud. Fortunately, my cackling usually makes her laugh, too.
Cyr is depressed. She is blah. She is weepy. She doesn't want to go to school and see her friends. She asked if she could stay home today but I told her she only gets 1 mental health day off school and she thought that was funny and dropped it. She is really upset about the hearing aids. I have a feeling, she will fight wearing them. We go Thursday to get her fitted. I told her kids are gonna be jealous. It's like braces and glasses, kids want them unless they have them. Maybe that only applies to elementary school kids but I'm holding onto that.
Kiki told me I was cancelling her dreams last night. I had no idea what she was talking about so I asked. She insisted I was cancelling her dreams. Still confused I just kinda looked at her. She said, "You are cancelling all my dreams of going to dance school!". There you have it folks, I am a dream killer. I have no idea what prompted this or how I did it but I crushed her lifelong dream.
She has done very well until this Summer. She slipped into a heavy depression and took her to see the pediatrician only to realize she wasn't ill, she was depressed. Once school started back, she asked to try them again. She is having a hard time coping with her anxiety. She becomes very stressed about tests, keeping up with her peers, letting her teachers down, her appearance, but the biggest thing is what her peers are doing. She becomes extremely agitated if she feels someone isn't doing things the right way, is breaking a rule, or the teacher is unaware of something. She drives herself insane with all of it.
We set her all up with the pdoc and a new therapist. She is excited and hopeful. She really needs to deal with the loss of her siblings from last Fall and now her mom has some chaos going on that doesn't feel stable to her. I'm sure this is just what she needed and she will begin to feel better soon.
Patches is home and really struggling. She has no idea how difficult it is to live with her when she is like this. The kids want to smack her and I can't blame them. She is mean to them and goes out of her way to make sure they know she doesn't like them. They are still polite and generous with her. I hope she pulls it back together before they turn on her. We keep talking about how her life is like a roller coaster and even though things are low now, they will be better again. I'm not sure anyone is buying what I'm selling though.
Michael is coming home. I think all the indecision is killing us. I insisted the RTC just move forward and make a plan. They agreed they can't do anymore for him and as long as we are willing to take him home, they will send him. Of course they made it clear, he is not healed or even doing better than he was before he came. We feel the sexual stuff is under control and every one is talking openly about feelings and concerns. That is vital to our success. We have the cameras in place and alarms still on so everyone feels safe and is safe.
I so rarely talk about the twins. They are so fantastic, I can't even begin to make you understand how lucky I am to be their Mom. They are both quite passive aggressive so we never see any anger or outward negative emotions unless they are pushed. Ella cracks me up. You can only tell how mad she is by how fast her ponytail swings as she is walking away. CP caused issues with her legs and she walks on her tippy toes. It's kinda hard for her to stomp but she gives it her best effort. When stomping off her ponytail swings ridiculously hard. I laugh out loud. Fortunately, my cackling usually makes her laugh, too.
Cyr is depressed. She is blah. She is weepy. She doesn't want to go to school and see her friends. She asked if she could stay home today but I told her she only gets 1 mental health day off school and she thought that was funny and dropped it. She is really upset about the hearing aids. I have a feeling, she will fight wearing them. We go Thursday to get her fitted. I told her kids are gonna be jealous. It's like braces and glasses, kids want them unless they have them. Maybe that only applies to elementary school kids but I'm holding onto that.
Kiki told me I was cancelling her dreams last night. I had no idea what she was talking about so I asked. She insisted I was cancelling her dreams. Still confused I just kinda looked at her. She said, "You are cancelling all my dreams of going to dance school!". There you have it folks, I am a dream killer. I have no idea what prompted this or how I did it but I crushed her lifelong dream.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
I'm moving up!
Keep voting for me at Circle of Moms! The little link is on the left side of the blog.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Do It! Do It!
Have you been voting for me on the Circle of Moms Contest? Just click on the cute pink button on the left side of my blog every day for 11 more days. Puleeze!
Monday, September 19, 2011
She Needs What???
I have had a very busy week. It began with what I thought would be a routine doctor visit with the ENT for Cyr. She had mentioned her ears were bothering her but not in an earache way. When it came up twice in a month, I set an appointment. Five of my children from that group rarely complain of illness or aches and pains. It varies between them but can be as extreme as my son has never admitted to being sick. No headaches or stomach aches. He has vomited but like his sisters, he covers it up with his pillow or hides it in the laundry. The RTC called last week to tell me he had strep. When I asked for details, they told me they had only tested him because so many in the unit had it. When they checked him out, he had a fever and a very nasty throat. They were amazed he hadn't mentioned it.
So when I heard something about Cyr's ears a second time, I took her in. They said he rears were clear and there was nothing visible that could be causing her any discomfort. They asked a few questions about dizziness and she admitted she felt it after she heard ringing sometimes. They did a hearing test and came back in the room with a brief comment about "significant loss in both ears". Having no idea what that meant, her and I bantered back and forth a bit about hearing aids and surgery to drain the ears.
After almost 30 minutes the doctor and nurse came back in to go over the results. He seemed a little nervous and the nurse wasn't making eye contact, at first. He mentioned "significant hearing loss in both ears". I asked what we needed to do, fully expecting him to suggest meds for fluid or further testing. The nurse walked behind him and got a brochure for me. He looked at me and said, "We need to see her in a week to have her fitted for hearing aids." Cyr and I both looked at each other and laughed. We had not expected that.
The next part of the brief conversation was me pressing for a number. I needed to hear the percentage of loss. I'm thinking 10-20% but he told me her good ear had lost 50% or more and the other ear was worse. I know our mouths were open. How did we miss this? She said she had been feeling an urge to look at people's lips when they spoke to her but it didn't occur to her that she couldn't hear them. She is fine at home but my hubby has severe hearing loss so the TV is loud and we are loud to help him avoid the same kind doctor appointment. She is a soft spoken child and so no one else noticed.
It has been quite a shock to her. She is strong and will be fine but she has been unusually emotional since. We have been talking about it and she is coping much better than I expected. The biggest let down is she won't be able to join the service. She had been banking on that to get away from her siblings. She is much less concerned with the aids themselves. In this process, my hubby has agreed to have his hearing tested and look into aids. It is a miracle, folks. A real life miracle. All it took was his little girl crying over a brochure and his need to fix kicked in. Before he new what he said, he offered to join her in this journey. We are going to make him honor that promise.
I mentioned Cyr was a little emotional. It popped up again on Friday night. Patches had been struggling for about 48 hours over an IEP meeting. She had been caught in a few not so true statements and she had made herself believe them. Our meeting shattered her reality and she focused on me. The police were called out Thursday night because she was making threats against me. She verbally attacked the wonderful officer but made no real threats she he couldn't do anything. She was awful at school on Friday and came home crappy. We catered to her a bit by separating the kids from her when she tattled.
At bed time she wanted to sleep in the little girls' room and was told no. That led to threats of killing herself. After some discussion trying to calm her, she began to hit me repeatedly. I had to hold her hands down. Once she began to kick me, Cyr grabbed her legs. Patches is becoming too strong for me when she is psychotic and her hands slipped out. She got a few swings in and Cyr lost it. She jumped up and into Patches face. I heard her scream like she has never done before. She told her to stop hurting her Mom. Quickly realizing she was out of control, she refused to hold her legs and yelled at me she was having her arrested. Cyr entered the area in the LR that the kids were sitting watching cartoons and terrified them by simply having emotions that strong.
The police showed up and my hubby and I had finally restrained her safely. He handcuffed her so I could get up. She admitted to attacking me. I had obvious scratches and bruises so he insisted on filing charges against her for battery. He took her in the back of his car to the hospital. I calmed the kids before I joined them there. Of course, I'm skipping so much of the details but you get the jest of it. She was 1013'd again. She will be home in a few days and we have started the process of admitting her to the same hospital my son is in.
Life, for my children, is exhausting. She is a fantastic kid. Most of the time, she really wants to fit in and feel a part of our family. Then these moments she fears she may be rejected or in trouble, she lashes out at us first. At 13, she is now involved with the juvenile system here. Therapy, medicine, and will alone haven't helped. Our last hope is that a big scary judge will help her take a moment to use the coping skills she knows so well but refuses to use when she needs them. Violent, aggressive, paranoid, and delusional. I fear for her future. She deserves to be happy and feel love. I will never give up trying to prove that to her.
So when I heard something about Cyr's ears a second time, I took her in. They said he rears were clear and there was nothing visible that could be causing her any discomfort. They asked a few questions about dizziness and she admitted she felt it after she heard ringing sometimes. They did a hearing test and came back in the room with a brief comment about "significant loss in both ears". Having no idea what that meant, her and I bantered back and forth a bit about hearing aids and surgery to drain the ears.
After almost 30 minutes the doctor and nurse came back in to go over the results. He seemed a little nervous and the nurse wasn't making eye contact, at first. He mentioned "significant hearing loss in both ears". I asked what we needed to do, fully expecting him to suggest meds for fluid or further testing. The nurse walked behind him and got a brochure for me. He looked at me and said, "We need to see her in a week to have her fitted for hearing aids." Cyr and I both looked at each other and laughed. We had not expected that.
The next part of the brief conversation was me pressing for a number. I needed to hear the percentage of loss. I'm thinking 10-20% but he told me her good ear had lost 50% or more and the other ear was worse. I know our mouths were open. How did we miss this? She said she had been feeling an urge to look at people's lips when they spoke to her but it didn't occur to her that she couldn't hear them. She is fine at home but my hubby has severe hearing loss so the TV is loud and we are loud to help him avoid the same kind doctor appointment. She is a soft spoken child and so no one else noticed.
It has been quite a shock to her. She is strong and will be fine but she has been unusually emotional since. We have been talking about it and she is coping much better than I expected. The biggest let down is she won't be able to join the service. She had been banking on that to get away from her siblings. She is much less concerned with the aids themselves. In this process, my hubby has agreed to have his hearing tested and look into aids. It is a miracle, folks. A real life miracle. All it took was his little girl crying over a brochure and his need to fix kicked in. Before he new what he said, he offered to join her in this journey. We are going to make him honor that promise.
I mentioned Cyr was a little emotional. It popped up again on Friday night. Patches had been struggling for about 48 hours over an IEP meeting. She had been caught in a few not so true statements and she had made herself believe them. Our meeting shattered her reality and she focused on me. The police were called out Thursday night because she was making threats against me. She verbally attacked the wonderful officer but made no real threats she he couldn't do anything. She was awful at school on Friday and came home crappy. We catered to her a bit by separating the kids from her when she tattled.
At bed time she wanted to sleep in the little girls' room and was told no. That led to threats of killing herself. After some discussion trying to calm her, she began to hit me repeatedly. I had to hold her hands down. Once she began to kick me, Cyr grabbed her legs. Patches is becoming too strong for me when she is psychotic and her hands slipped out. She got a few swings in and Cyr lost it. She jumped up and into Patches face. I heard her scream like she has never done before. She told her to stop hurting her Mom. Quickly realizing she was out of control, she refused to hold her legs and yelled at me she was having her arrested. Cyr entered the area in the LR that the kids were sitting watching cartoons and terrified them by simply having emotions that strong.
The police showed up and my hubby and I had finally restrained her safely. He handcuffed her so I could get up. She admitted to attacking me. I had obvious scratches and bruises so he insisted on filing charges against her for battery. He took her in the back of his car to the hospital. I calmed the kids before I joined them there. Of course, I'm skipping so much of the details but you get the jest of it. She was 1013'd again. She will be home in a few days and we have started the process of admitting her to the same hospital my son is in.
Life, for my children, is exhausting. She is a fantastic kid. Most of the time, she really wants to fit in and feel a part of our family. Then these moments she fears she may be rejected or in trouble, she lashes out at us first. At 13, she is now involved with the juvenile system here. Therapy, medicine, and will alone haven't helped. Our last hope is that a big scary judge will help her take a moment to use the coping skills she knows so well but refuses to use when she needs them. Violent, aggressive, paranoid, and delusional. I fear for her future. She deserves to be happy and feel love. I will never give up trying to prove that to her.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Please Vote for Me!
See the little button on the left of the screen? The one that asks for you to vote for me. Just do it. You know you wanna. Then come back every day for the next 16 and do the same. I was nominated and I do not want to end up the only person with less than 5 votes. If you really want to help, you can post a link on your Facebook, too.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
If You Thought That Was Bad....
The last post caused some stirring in my family. They are upset I spoke about them "on a public forum". Honestly, I was being nice in that post. I'm sorry if they were so upset. I'm sure they will be really pissed when the book comes out since I'm not changing the names since they aren't innocent.
If they were so horrified, why did they tell all their friends to come look? I don't mind, every time they come here, I make $ off them.
If they were so horrified, why did they tell all their friends to come look? I don't mind, every time they come here, I make $ off them.
Monday, September 12, 2011
The Rocker and The Old Lady
My sister, Kiki, and I traveled down to see my Mom this weekend. She moved away a few months ago to St. Pete and we have been dying to see her new life. I swear it wasn't that I needed a break from real life and would go anywhere there weren't kids. OK, you caught me, it was both. Anyway, we planned it a couple of weeks ago and it fell through and ran off together for a very long drive down there this past weekend. The ride was uneventful other than to say, I do not like Monster green. That crap tastes like an extra sweet, almost thick, sour patch kid candy. The sour part kicks you in the teeth after you swallow. Please, just take my word for it.
I noticed something between my Mom and I right away. The Old Lady is recovering from breast implants. While some people may think it is ridiculous to fix those saggy bags at her age, she wanted to spice up her new life and that is exactly what she did! She looks amazing! This picture is my sister, Kiki, and Mom with their new boobs. I think they have both gone from an A to a D. I think they have been jealous of my G for years.
Exhausted, Kiki and I went to bed. It became very clear that Kiki had no intention of sharing the pillows. We giggled until 4:30 AM. What is it about old people? They need the house to be 80 degrees. We managed not to melt away but I was worried my alleged snoring might wake her. I brought her ear plugs. The next morning she assured me the snoring wasn't a problem but me sitting straight up screaming at her that I was snoring was. Yes, I sat up in my sleep and yelled that I was snoring. I'll try to work on that.
While my mother lives in a nice part of town, I was a little concerned when we found this homeless man on her porch enjoying himself like he lived there. LOL Actually, that is her man. I know he looks vicious but he is not. After spending time with him this weekend, both my sister and I were amazed at how fast he grows on you. He is deeply sensitive, funny, warm, welcoming, and is obviously VERY in love with my Mom. Let me be completely honest, anyone willing to take her, can have her.
They drove us all around their little town and he made sure we got to the sweet spot so we could witness this. He took us to the top of a restaurant and we waited. He promised we would love it. We did.
I want to take a minute and share their story with you. Not because it has anything to do with me or my life but because the story needs to be told. Many years ago, a young greaser kid stumbled upon a teenage girls' pajama party. Being a young strapping stud, he knocked on the door and met by a dozen giggling girls in lace baby doll nighties. He offered beer, they let him in. One of those girls was my mother.
They began to date and eventually ran away to be together. They hitchhiked across the country to meet his family. They had signed him up for the Army on his 17th birthday and he wasn't welcome to stay there. The teenagers decided to run off and get married. They did. They found a boarding house and jobs. They were happy. Soon they discovered they were pregnant with my sister, Julie. He couldn't have been more in love than he was with the two girls in his life.
The first few years were great. They were deeply in love. They were broke. My Mom was terribly homesick. He wanted her to see her family and saved for a ticket to send them there for the holidays. Once there, her family began to convince her that he wasn't stable and she would be happier if she stayed. Torn, she eventually agreed to stay with her sister. She begged him to move there and get a job. He got rid of everything they had and bought an old truck. He never imagined what was about to happen. Now that she was a mother, her need for stability would outweigh her love for him.
Things weren't as he had hoped once he arrived. My Mother had changed. Many of the women in my family have the knack of shutting someone out completely. My Mother, my sisters, and even me. It is a coping skill we use when things hurt. We shut off our emotions and cut the people off. My Mother was doing this to him because she thought it was the right thing to do for her child. He wasn't dangerous, he just wasn't welcome in her family and she felt she needed their support to raise her daughter. It was a decision she regretted all her life and still has tremendous guilt over. Eventually, she filed for divorce. Devastated, he left town. He never stopped loving them. He never stopped calling her his wife. He intentionally never remarried or had any other children. He had that already.
My Mother remarried and my sister was adopted by her new husband. Times were different. He wasn't encouraged to keep contact and was even run off by my Mother's family. Everyone worked hard to convince him that he wasn't good enough and she was better off without him. He respected her enough to think she must have known what she was doing.
When I hear this story, I see a boy that would have felt rejected from his first family, his wife, the world because he doesn't fit into their idea of what he should be, and now as he is reaching the end of his life and is reaching out hoping to fill in the hole he has carried for years, he is rejected by his only child. She wants nothing to do with him. Nothing. She is angry. She is using the coping skill handed down to the women in our family. She is missing out. The worst part is that they are so much alike. They could learn so much from each other. Even writing this, I'm crying for their loss. They missed so many years and now he has cancer. She is punishing him now for leaving her behind. The details about what happened don't matter to her.
My sister isn't someone that comes across as caring or supportive. She comes across as stubborn with a need to be right. She will argue with a wall to prove her point. She can't look past your faults and find something charming about you. She will search your soul until she finds what she knew was there all along. She isn't going to get in and get dirty, she is going to spend her time proving she was right. We are complete opposites. She may seem unemotional but she is really just protecting herself. I'm not saying she is awful, she is not. We are just very different and we struggle to see each others point of view. I think she is so scared of loss, she refuses to feel. I feel way too much. Neither is good. We do not have a relationship. She is my sister, I love her, but really she is just a woman I have known all my life. It is sad to me that my children do not know her or know that her daughter is their cousin. They can't remember her name or face. It breaks my heart. Now she is shutting out another person in her life. I wish it was just her loss but it's his, too. She has complete control over it and maybe that's what this is all about, control. I know she feels abandoned. She won't allow him in or give an inch. She will fight tooth and nail to prove he wasn't worthy any way.
Her daughter doesn't have a relationship with her father either. She was given an ultimatum, it may have not been a direct conversation but she has made her feel like it was him or her mom. Her daughter has chosen not to find him out of respect for her. It is very similar to how adult adoptees feel in closed adoptions. It's sad. On the other side of that is me. I parent children and force whatever healthy relationships with their first families that I can. I open our home and hearts to anyone willing to love my children. Some of the people in our lives are addicted to drugs or alcohol, they have mental illnesses, and some have spent time in prison. As long as they are safe, they are welcome. Call me crazy, but I look past those things and find reasons to like them. We may not agree on many things, but we find common ground. This is not a skill or an interest she has. Perhaps she views this as a weakness, who knows?
I am choosing to get to know him. I want my children to see how he treats my Mom. I need to see her happy for the first time in my life. I completely support their life together. He waits on her hand and foot. It is amazing to watch. In his love for her, he loves us. My sister doesn't get this. She can't fathom how he could love her daughters much less his own daughter because he doesn't know her as adult. She couldn't be more wrong. I'm not sure how to explain it to her. It is real, I could feel it. Maybe I get it because I love my childrens first mothers. I don't have to know all about them, I love them, no strings attached. To me love is a choice. I know this will be one the hardest things my sister ever does, I hope she chooses to look past his rough exterior and see the gentle man inside.
We learned things about my Mom this weekend. Some good and some we'd love to forget. We felt her connection to her first love that hasn't faded with time. We watched her go from our strong mother to a teenage girl when he walked in the room. We saw her sit back and be taken care of. It is nothing short of amazing that these 2 people could have fallen in love almost 50 years ago and reconnected after all these years, but that is exactly what has happened. I couldn't be happier for them. They deserve happiness during whatever time they have left.
I noticed something between my Mom and I right away. The Old Lady is recovering from breast implants. While some people may think it is ridiculous to fix those saggy bags at her age, she wanted to spice up her new life and that is exactly what she did! She looks amazing! This picture is my sister, Kiki, and Mom with their new boobs. I think they have both gone from an A to a D. I think they have been jealous of my G for years.
Exhausted, Kiki and I went to bed. It became very clear that Kiki had no intention of sharing the pillows. We giggled until 4:30 AM. What is it about old people? They need the house to be 80 degrees. We managed not to melt away but I was worried my alleged snoring might wake her. I brought her ear plugs. The next morning she assured me the snoring wasn't a problem but me sitting straight up screaming at her that I was snoring was. Yes, I sat up in my sleep and yelled that I was snoring. I'll try to work on that.
While my mother lives in a nice part of town, I was a little concerned when we found this homeless man on her porch enjoying himself like he lived there. LOL Actually, that is her man. I know he looks vicious but he is not. After spending time with him this weekend, both my sister and I were amazed at how fast he grows on you. He is deeply sensitive, funny, warm, welcoming, and is obviously VERY in love with my Mom. Let me be completely honest, anyone willing to take her, can have her.
They drove us all around their little town and he made sure we got to the sweet spot so we could witness this. He took us to the top of a restaurant and we waited. He promised we would love it. We did.
I want to take a minute and share their story with you. Not because it has anything to do with me or my life but because the story needs to be told. Many years ago, a young greaser kid stumbled upon a teenage girls' pajama party. Being a young strapping stud, he knocked on the door and met by a dozen giggling girls in lace baby doll nighties. He offered beer, they let him in. One of those girls was my mother.
They began to date and eventually ran away to be together. They hitchhiked across the country to meet his family. They had signed him up for the Army on his 17th birthday and he wasn't welcome to stay there. The teenagers decided to run off and get married. They did. They found a boarding house and jobs. They were happy. Soon they discovered they were pregnant with my sister, Julie. He couldn't have been more in love than he was with the two girls in his life.
The first few years were great. They were deeply in love. They were broke. My Mom was terribly homesick. He wanted her to see her family and saved for a ticket to send them there for the holidays. Once there, her family began to convince her that he wasn't stable and she would be happier if she stayed. Torn, she eventually agreed to stay with her sister. She begged him to move there and get a job. He got rid of everything they had and bought an old truck. He never imagined what was about to happen. Now that she was a mother, her need for stability would outweigh her love for him.
Things weren't as he had hoped once he arrived. My Mother had changed. Many of the women in my family have the knack of shutting someone out completely. My Mother, my sisters, and even me. It is a coping skill we use when things hurt. We shut off our emotions and cut the people off. My Mother was doing this to him because she thought it was the right thing to do for her child. He wasn't dangerous, he just wasn't welcome in her family and she felt she needed their support to raise her daughter. It was a decision she regretted all her life and still has tremendous guilt over. Eventually, she filed for divorce. Devastated, he left town. He never stopped loving them. He never stopped calling her his wife. He intentionally never remarried or had any other children. He had that already.
My Mother remarried and my sister was adopted by her new husband. Times were different. He wasn't encouraged to keep contact and was even run off by my Mother's family. Everyone worked hard to convince him that he wasn't good enough and she was better off without him. He respected her enough to think she must have known what she was doing.
When I hear this story, I see a boy that would have felt rejected from his first family, his wife, the world because he doesn't fit into their idea of what he should be, and now as he is reaching the end of his life and is reaching out hoping to fill in the hole he has carried for years, he is rejected by his only child. She wants nothing to do with him. Nothing. She is angry. She is using the coping skill handed down to the women in our family. She is missing out. The worst part is that they are so much alike. They could learn so much from each other. Even writing this, I'm crying for their loss. They missed so many years and now he has cancer. She is punishing him now for leaving her behind. The details about what happened don't matter to her.
My sister isn't someone that comes across as caring or supportive. She comes across as stubborn with a need to be right. She will argue with a wall to prove her point. She can't look past your faults and find something charming about you. She will search your soul until she finds what she knew was there all along. She isn't going to get in and get dirty, she is going to spend her time proving she was right. We are complete opposites. She may seem unemotional but she is really just protecting herself. I'm not saying she is awful, she is not. We are just very different and we struggle to see each others point of view. I think she is so scared of loss, she refuses to feel. I feel way too much. Neither is good. We do not have a relationship. She is my sister, I love her, but really she is just a woman I have known all my life. It is sad to me that my children do not know her or know that her daughter is their cousin. They can't remember her name or face. It breaks my heart. Now she is shutting out another person in her life. I wish it was just her loss but it's his, too. She has complete control over it and maybe that's what this is all about, control. I know she feels abandoned. She won't allow him in or give an inch. She will fight tooth and nail to prove he wasn't worthy any way.
Her daughter doesn't have a relationship with her father either. She was given an ultimatum, it may have not been a direct conversation but she has made her feel like it was him or her mom. Her daughter has chosen not to find him out of respect for her. It is very similar to how adult adoptees feel in closed adoptions. It's sad. On the other side of that is me. I parent children and force whatever healthy relationships with their first families that I can. I open our home and hearts to anyone willing to love my children. Some of the people in our lives are addicted to drugs or alcohol, they have mental illnesses, and some have spent time in prison. As long as they are safe, they are welcome. Call me crazy, but I look past those things and find reasons to like them. We may not agree on many things, but we find common ground. This is not a skill or an interest she has. Perhaps she views this as a weakness, who knows?
I am choosing to get to know him. I want my children to see how he treats my Mom. I need to see her happy for the first time in my life. I completely support their life together. He waits on her hand and foot. It is amazing to watch. In his love for her, he loves us. My sister doesn't get this. She can't fathom how he could love her daughters much less his own daughter because he doesn't know her as adult. She couldn't be more wrong. I'm not sure how to explain it to her. It is real, I could feel it. Maybe I get it because I love my childrens first mothers. I don't have to know all about them, I love them, no strings attached. To me love is a choice. I know this will be one the hardest things my sister ever does, I hope she chooses to look past his rough exterior and see the gentle man inside.
We learned things about my Mom this weekend. Some good and some we'd love to forget. We felt her connection to her first love that hasn't faded with time. We watched her go from our strong mother to a teenage girl when he walked in the room. We saw her sit back and be taken care of. It is nothing short of amazing that these 2 people could have fallen in love almost 50 years ago and reconnected after all these years, but that is exactly what has happened. I couldn't be happier for them. They deserve happiness during whatever time they have left.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Weepy? Me?
I'm a bit weepy today. I am rarely weepy. Usually, I am able to compartmentalize things until I can deal with them privately. I keep finding myself thinking about my kids that aren't here. I filled up with tears when I saw Country Strong was on again, when I saw a post about Soul Sisters meeting up, Emma told me she cried at her friend's house last week because she missed me, and now as I write this. Not sure what is up.
I know it hit me hard when I got a second call about my son this weekend from the RTC. He has had to be restrained twice and he received another shot. It breaks my heart. They said he pushed all the kids buttons looking for a fight until he got one. We've seen that more times than I care to admit. I miss him enough to forget how awful his behaviors are and how hard they are on our family.
I know it hit me hard when I got a second call about my son this weekend from the RTC. He has had to be restrained twice and he received another shot. It breaks my heart. They said he pushed all the kids buttons looking for a fight until he got one. We've seen that more times than I care to admit. I miss him enough to forget how awful his behaviors are and how hard they are on our family.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
What Is It Really?
We have a sitter and are going to the Visitation set up for tonight. We couldn't manage the funeral because the kids would come home alone and we all know THAT wouldn't turn out well.
On a completely different note, I spoke with Michael's family therapist yesterday and it seems after our meeting last Friday, we are closer to all being on the same page. They were missing key information and I shared some things that made them look at the whole picture. Some of the confusion is that he mostly hallucinates at home. He rarely shares what he is seeing because he thinks they are real, unless they are scary ones. I have learned to read him and ask a lot of questions to figure out what is going on. They thought it must be PTSD flashbacks since it was happening at home. I had to explain that his meds are controlling his hallucinations and that they do reappear when he is under stress. He is stressed at home because home with his siblings trigger stress for him. He is only sharing with me because I ask the right questions. He would never offer it up to anyone unless he was frightened and looking to be reassured he is safe. Flashbacks should be exactly that, a flashback to the traumatic event. He sees things he has never seen, talks to people that say things he has never heard, he thinks things are completely different than other people around him do. He is not in our world sometimes. He has different players than we do. He is shocked and surprised and you can see it on his face. They are not flashbacks.
We also discussed that when you are surrounded by a certain disorder, you tend to see any symptoms familiar with that disorder as that disorder. They are surrounded by RAD and PTSD. They see his behaviors that relate to that more clearly and may miss the others. How could he not have it? He lived through a childhood with numerous foster families, all kinds of abuse, and severe neglect. The psychiatric hospital that sees my son when he is having scary commanding hallucinations because he is psychotic, sees Schizophrenia. Another doctor in the beginning saw PDD-NOS because he made no eye contact, wasn't social or able to read social cues, was delayed developmentally, and didn't play like other kids. Another felt his hypervigilance and lack of attention must mean ADHD. His speech therapist thinks his inability to process his thoughts is a speech disorder.
So who is right? I don't know. I know I see RAD, PTSD, BiPolar, MR, and Schizophrenia. I'm not a doctor. I do know my son. I know he wants so badly to be a good boy. He wants to be "normal". He wants to learn. He wants to feel love. He is terrified of being loved. He is tormented by the people and things he sees. He can't catch up in school and doesn't try because he feels hopeless. He was traumatized in his first family's home and thinks about it often. He sabotages himself. He is depressed and withdrawn because he can't connect with others. He becomes aggressive and violent when he is frustrated. He has a strong family history of mental illness. Does it matter what it is called? Does it matter if it is from trauma or a mental illness?
I go back and forth on that. Truly. Sometimes I need a name for it. I can put off all his difficult behaviors on that. It's not his fault. It makes it easier to accept it all. Other times I feel if we just figure out a way to make it better for him that it doesn't matter what it is is. Ask me tomorrow and I'll feel differently. It changes constantly. The only thing that hasn't changed is his symptoms. He is very disturbed and whether or not I have something to call it, he is miserable and struggling. The professionals can't agree or figure out what the Hell it is so how are we supposed to? He is the one suffering. All I want to do is make him feel better so he can grow up in our family feeling loved because he deserves at least that.
On a completely different note, I spoke with Michael's family therapist yesterday and it seems after our meeting last Friday, we are closer to all being on the same page. They were missing key information and I shared some things that made them look at the whole picture. Some of the confusion is that he mostly hallucinates at home. He rarely shares what he is seeing because he thinks they are real, unless they are scary ones. I have learned to read him and ask a lot of questions to figure out what is going on. They thought it must be PTSD flashbacks since it was happening at home. I had to explain that his meds are controlling his hallucinations and that they do reappear when he is under stress. He is stressed at home because home with his siblings trigger stress for him. He is only sharing with me because I ask the right questions. He would never offer it up to anyone unless he was frightened and looking to be reassured he is safe. Flashbacks should be exactly that, a flashback to the traumatic event. He sees things he has never seen, talks to people that say things he has never heard, he thinks things are completely different than other people around him do. He is not in our world sometimes. He has different players than we do. He is shocked and surprised and you can see it on his face. They are not flashbacks.
We also discussed that when you are surrounded by a certain disorder, you tend to see any symptoms familiar with that disorder as that disorder. They are surrounded by RAD and PTSD. They see his behaviors that relate to that more clearly and may miss the others. How could he not have it? He lived through a childhood with numerous foster families, all kinds of abuse, and severe neglect. The psychiatric hospital that sees my son when he is having scary commanding hallucinations because he is psychotic, sees Schizophrenia. Another doctor in the beginning saw PDD-NOS because he made no eye contact, wasn't social or able to read social cues, was delayed developmentally, and didn't play like other kids. Another felt his hypervigilance and lack of attention must mean ADHD. His speech therapist thinks his inability to process his thoughts is a speech disorder.
So who is right? I don't know. I know I see RAD, PTSD, BiPolar, MR, and Schizophrenia. I'm not a doctor. I do know my son. I know he wants so badly to be a good boy. He wants to be "normal". He wants to learn. He wants to feel love. He is terrified of being loved. He is tormented by the people and things he sees. He can't catch up in school and doesn't try because he feels hopeless. He was traumatized in his first family's home and thinks about it often. He sabotages himself. He is depressed and withdrawn because he can't connect with others. He becomes aggressive and violent when he is frustrated. He has a strong family history of mental illness. Does it matter what it is called? Does it matter if it is from trauma or a mental illness?
I go back and forth on that. Truly. Sometimes I need a name for it. I can put off all his difficult behaviors on that. It's not his fault. It makes it easier to accept it all. Other times I feel if we just figure out a way to make it better for him that it doesn't matter what it is is. Ask me tomorrow and I'll feel differently. It changes constantly. The only thing that hasn't changed is his symptoms. He is very disturbed and whether or not I have something to call it, he is miserable and struggling. The professionals can't agree or figure out what the Hell it is so how are we supposed to? He is the one suffering. All I want to do is make him feel better so he can grow up in our family feeling loved because he deserves at least that.
Monday, August 15, 2011
She Opened Our Minds
My hubby and I knew a young woman years ago that was dx'd in her late teens with Schizophrenia. She was the only person I knew that had a mental illness that didn't try to hide it or acted like she had any shame for it. I'm not sure if she actually felt that way but it looked that way. I asked her many questions over the years and witnessed a couple of breakdowns. My hubby was closer to her and dated her one Summer. She shared her fears and thoughts openly with him.
Without knowing it, she has had a huge impact on the way we feel about mental illness and how it affects our family. We teach our children they have nothing to be ashamed of. You don't need to whisper when you talk about it. It is no different than having Diabetes or any other chronic illness. The symptoms are much different but they are just that, symptoms. They require meds to keep it under control. They need family support to find the strength to keep trying. They are under a doctor's care to help guide them. It is nothing but an illness.
We lost touch with this friend over the years, as most of us do. We talked about her fondly. Her and I reconnected last Fall during our chaos and I had the opportunity to get her advice about the illness. She told me her dx had changed over the years and symptoms came and went with stress. She was very supportive and helpful. She felt we were on the right path about the shame and had some thoughts about that. Her paranoia about being watched was shared but she wasn't clear who was doing it and I didn't ask.
She shared she had married and has children. She is mostly stable and felt she was on top of things. She gave us hope. We saw that our children may have quirks and struggles but they could lead a "normal" life that could include a spouse and children. A hope that we desperately needed. She promised to bring her children to our big birthday carnival this year so we could catch up.
My husband woke me very early this morning by shoving his cell phone in my face. He was frantic. He couldn't read his FB on his phone without his contacts in and all he saw was a status update with her name in it. She had recently deleted her FB account and we had wondered numerous times what happened. We still aren't sure why she did that. The update was letting her friends know she had passed last night.
There was no going back to sleep after that. Worry set in. A selfish worry. One of the biggest concerns we have is the suicide rate for people with Schizophrenia. We are terrified one or both of our children will find life too hard and take their precious life. For a couple of hours I cried for her family and ours. Then I got a response from another of my hubby's ex girl friends telling me that wasn't the case for her. They think it was her heart.
Nothing can make her family feel better about the loss of their mother, sister, wife, and daughter but I wish they knew just how she helped our family cope with our life. The strength we found from our long ago friendship when we first heard the dx for our children. Knowing her and her struggles made the unknown with our kids seem possible.
I know in my brain that her life has no real connection to how my children live out their life. I know that. Her illness is different because every one's is. Yet, somehow, even her death has given me a tiny bit of hope for my children. She will never be forgotten. My children will continue to hear stories about the girl that taught their parents about mental illness and how to look past that illness and see the person. She made us better parents to our very special children. She taught us patience for people that seemed different. We are eternally grateful to have had the privilege of calling her our friend.
Without knowing it, she has had a huge impact on the way we feel about mental illness and how it affects our family. We teach our children they have nothing to be ashamed of. You don't need to whisper when you talk about it. It is no different than having Diabetes or any other chronic illness. The symptoms are much different but they are just that, symptoms. They require meds to keep it under control. They need family support to find the strength to keep trying. They are under a doctor's care to help guide them. It is nothing but an illness.
We lost touch with this friend over the years, as most of us do. We talked about her fondly. Her and I reconnected last Fall during our chaos and I had the opportunity to get her advice about the illness. She told me her dx had changed over the years and symptoms came and went with stress. She was very supportive and helpful. She felt we were on the right path about the shame and had some thoughts about that. Her paranoia about being watched was shared but she wasn't clear who was doing it and I didn't ask.
She shared she had married and has children. She is mostly stable and felt she was on top of things. She gave us hope. We saw that our children may have quirks and struggles but they could lead a "normal" life that could include a spouse and children. A hope that we desperately needed. She promised to bring her children to our big birthday carnival this year so we could catch up.
My husband woke me very early this morning by shoving his cell phone in my face. He was frantic. He couldn't read his FB on his phone without his contacts in and all he saw was a status update with her name in it. She had recently deleted her FB account and we had wondered numerous times what happened. We still aren't sure why she did that. The update was letting her friends know she had passed last night.
There was no going back to sleep after that. Worry set in. A selfish worry. One of the biggest concerns we have is the suicide rate for people with Schizophrenia. We are terrified one or both of our children will find life too hard and take their precious life. For a couple of hours I cried for her family and ours. Then I got a response from another of my hubby's ex girl friends telling me that wasn't the case for her. They think it was her heart.
Nothing can make her family feel better about the loss of their mother, sister, wife, and daughter but I wish they knew just how she helped our family cope with our life. The strength we found from our long ago friendship when we first heard the dx for our children. Knowing her and her struggles made the unknown with our kids seem possible.
I know in my brain that her life has no real connection to how my children live out their life. I know that. Her illness is different because every one's is. Yet, somehow, even her death has given me a tiny bit of hope for my children. She will never be forgotten. My children will continue to hear stories about the girl that taught their parents about mental illness and how to look past that illness and see the person. She made us better parents to our very special children. She taught us patience for people that seemed different. We are eternally grateful to have had the privilege of calling her our friend.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
No Visit
We knew there would be fall out. The RTC decided they are liable for my son on visits and have stopped this weekend's visit. I completely understand their position but at the same time, I KNOW we can handle him. It's not that it is even just him, they are also concerned about Ruthie. I get that, too. I see her reaction last weekend as progress.
Maybe a weekend off would help them both but what if they feel it is a consequence for her being honest? We all know that no matter how hard I try to convince her otherwise, she will continue to believe whatever she has built in her mind. For what it's worth, I'm very proud of both of them. Life is hard for them and each time they make any effort, it should be rewarded. Most people would give up and die. The fact they keep trying and want to feel better says amazing things about them.
Ruthie has been sick and vomiting this week. My hubby is thinking this is psychological. Since he usually doesn't notice these things, I blew him off. (I know, bad wife.) Now I'm wondering if he wasn't on to something. (See, I do value his opinion and thoughts. It was only a temporary lapse in judgement.) No one else has been sick and usually it runs through here like a wild fire. Time will tell.
We are all excited about a day visit with their Aunt Michelle and Uncle Floyd at the lake. We have barely seen them since Ruthie came home and nothing since his accident. He is home now and is back to reality. He remembered his wife, family, and life. He is walking again and is able to care for himself during the day. Of course, as we know from my hubby's 2 traumatic brain injuries, this will be a life long struggle for them. They are up to it. It may have saved his life. He has since quit drinking completely. We wish nothing but the best for them. We are all excited to give them some giant hugs Saturday.
Maybe a weekend off would help them both but what if they feel it is a consequence for her being honest? We all know that no matter how hard I try to convince her otherwise, she will continue to believe whatever she has built in her mind. For what it's worth, I'm very proud of both of them. Life is hard for them and each time they make any effort, it should be rewarded. Most people would give up and die. The fact they keep trying and want to feel better says amazing things about them.
Ruthie has been sick and vomiting this week. My hubby is thinking this is psychological. Since he usually doesn't notice these things, I blew him off. (I know, bad wife.) Now I'm wondering if he wasn't on to something. (See, I do value his opinion and thoughts. It was only a temporary lapse in judgement.) No one else has been sick and usually it runs through here like a wild fire. Time will tell.
We are all excited about a day visit with their Aunt Michelle and Uncle Floyd at the lake. We have barely seen them since Ruthie came home and nothing since his accident. He is home now and is back to reality. He remembered his wife, family, and life. He is walking again and is able to care for himself during the day. Of course, as we know from my hubby's 2 traumatic brain injuries, this will be a life long struggle for them. They are up to it. It may have saved his life. He has since quit drinking completely. We wish nothing but the best for them. We are all excited to give them some giant hugs Saturday.
Monday, August 08, 2011
But He Didn't Get Violent
Life has changed here so much since this time last year. I can barely speak of the kids we lost. The pain is still deep and fresh. Right before we lost them, Ruthie, Patches, and Michael entered 2 local residential treatment centers for intense therapy and interventions. Patches and Ruthie were at the same one and were released WAY too fast. The RTC didn't take the time to wait out their honeymoon and see their behaviors or get to their intense feelings. They let them down.
Luckily, Patches learned a few somethings from her brief stay outside our home that did make up for their lack of ability to treat her. She learned that she would come back here because we love her and she is a part of our family no matter what, we aren't as bad as she thought, we are safe, we do what we say we are going to do, we aren't the only family with children that struggle, and she never wants to leave us again. She used to throw fits that lasted hours and screamed things about never loving us, never returning to us for Xmas, wanting to die or kill us, and other things trying to express how deeply hurt she was feeling. To say that her feelings were over the top for the situation is an understatement. These episodes were happening because her sister moved her shoes to her room or she was asked to take the trash out. Anything could trigger these events that would usually end in a restraint to protect her or me.
Ruthie's return wasn't so easy after she was released. We had safety issues to work through. We did just after the holidays last year and she has been here since. She, too, learned many of the things Patches did.
Michael still has not returned home full time. We are transitioning him now. The hospital is hesitant to release him because he is still having some serious issues. He is aggressive, delusional, impulsive, and is hallucinating again. I'm sure most people would think, "Why would you bring him home then?". While they RTC is hesitant, they agree with us that this is probably the best he is going to be able to manage. This is his life. He deserves to be in a family. He is a good boy. We aren't your regular family and can handle his issues safely here. We are prepared and willing.
To say our home and lives are drama free would be a lie. In comparison to our lives prior to their hospital stays, it is calm. Patches is stepping up in ways that bring tears to my eyes. I never thought we would get to a place that I could trust her to make a good choice, be responsible for another person, or want to help her family. She chooses to be a part of us, has taken ownership of us, and wants to protect me. Huge stuff for her. She's not perfect. She has moments and stress gets to her much worse than your average gal. She pushes through. Ruthie is talking. She is sharing her feelings and thoughts. She wants to feel something for us. She is trusting me with her scary stuff. She is taking direction from me with minimal homicidal/suicidal threats. We still see deep anger come out but she moves past it quicker. Michael has been a model son (our version of a model child, of course). No violence on his visits.
He maintained that this weekend and that is huge for him. Keep that in mind when I tell you about his visit. No violence is big, it's progress.
He was off from the moment he set foot in our home Friday. OFF. Nearly every interaction with his siblings turned into a squabble. We all have our days so I tried to help him through it. Then he turned on me. He kept saying, "everybody is lying on me". It turned into the theme of the weekend. We are used to crazy lying here. He commonly accuses others of attacking him or turning situations around and becoming anger that they are lying. I witnessed him "misunderstand" all of us over and over. He began to seem deeply hurt. That was new. He remained calm. he talked through it every time. He was very confused. When I say this happened 30 times, it may be an understatement. He eventually asked to go to bed. It began all over Saturday.
I could see he was escalating and was concerned we would have to take him back early. I called both of his therapists. They had some great advice and we were able to salvage the evening by watching a movie quietly. Sunday was great. He sat at the table with his Dad and put together the coolest Lego tank that shot crap at us. He thoroughly enjoyed shooting us with tiny spear things. We ate dinner and he and Ava played some more while the table and dishes were being done.
Out of no where, he got rough with Ava. He began to kick her and punch her. She half laughed out of shock and he took that as confirmation it was ok to continue. We starting talking about why he decided to do that. It became clear when the other kids chimed in that he had been doing it to them and they didn't say anything because he wasn't angry when he was doing it. They felt like he was roughhousing and even though he isn't allowed to touch them, E.V.E.R., they felt like they handled it. It quickly turned into, "you are all lying". He didn't get violent. He didn't agree with anyone and was again, confused. He kinda stomped off into our dining area. My hubby could see him and we heard him throw the Lego tank to the ground and it shattered. When my hubby cried out, "WHY?" in his frustration, Ruthie began to lose it.
Ruthie has a history of attacking me when her brother is out of control. She is triggered and becomes psychotic. We can't make her understand he is safe, that he needs our attention right then, or that it is him that is having the issue, not me. I can't reason with her. Most times, I have to move from Michael to keep Ruthie safe from herself. I fully expected that from her last night when she began to cry. Our attention as a familoy turned to help Ruthie since Michael seemed to be holding his anger in check. SHe expressed anger towards my hubby for the first time. SHe talked about what triggered her. How she was feeling. She even decided to separate herself from the situation to calm down. How is that for amazing?
Michael took this very moment of progress and bolted out the door. Usually, when he gets agitated, we turn on the door alarms to all our out going doors. He seemed to be fine and it never even dawned on any of us. The kids saw him run up our back drive. I ran out to find him but he was gone. I had to call the police and the RTC to help. He was found a ocuple miles up the road getting dangerously close to the interstate. We live on a major road and he has run into traffic in parking lots so I was a mess until he pulled up in the back of a cop car.
Poor officers never know what to expect about why these things happened. They have to consider he was running from an abusive home. They kept him separate from us and spoke to him about why he left. Having such a severe processing issue and speech disorder, they kind of gave up. He ran to my arms and began sobbing into me. I comforted him and asked if he was ok. I told him I wasn't mad and was so glad he was safe. I pointed out this may have not gone well but no one was hurt. One of the 4 officers began to chuckle, "I guess he's alright here.".
When everyone calmed down, I took him back to the RTC. He acted like nothing happened. With all that drama, all I kept saying was, "but he didn't get violent". I'm really proud of him for that. Now I get to spend time on the phone with his therapists. We have to figure out what the heck is going on with him. I refuse to see this as anything except a moment of success for him. He is changing. He may never have things competely under control but I see a light.
Luckily, Patches learned a few somethings from her brief stay outside our home that did make up for their lack of ability to treat her. She learned that she would come back here because we love her and she is a part of our family no matter what, we aren't as bad as she thought, we are safe, we do what we say we are going to do, we aren't the only family with children that struggle, and she never wants to leave us again. She used to throw fits that lasted hours and screamed things about never loving us, never returning to us for Xmas, wanting to die or kill us, and other things trying to express how deeply hurt she was feeling. To say that her feelings were over the top for the situation is an understatement. These episodes were happening because her sister moved her shoes to her room or she was asked to take the trash out. Anything could trigger these events that would usually end in a restraint to protect her or me.
Ruthie's return wasn't so easy after she was released. We had safety issues to work through. We did just after the holidays last year and she has been here since. She, too, learned many of the things Patches did.
Michael still has not returned home full time. We are transitioning him now. The hospital is hesitant to release him because he is still having some serious issues. He is aggressive, delusional, impulsive, and is hallucinating again. I'm sure most people would think, "Why would you bring him home then?". While they RTC is hesitant, they agree with us that this is probably the best he is going to be able to manage. This is his life. He deserves to be in a family. He is a good boy. We aren't your regular family and can handle his issues safely here. We are prepared and willing.
To say our home and lives are drama free would be a lie. In comparison to our lives prior to their hospital stays, it is calm. Patches is stepping up in ways that bring tears to my eyes. I never thought we would get to a place that I could trust her to make a good choice, be responsible for another person, or want to help her family. She chooses to be a part of us, has taken ownership of us, and wants to protect me. Huge stuff for her. She's not perfect. She has moments and stress gets to her much worse than your average gal. She pushes through. Ruthie is talking. She is sharing her feelings and thoughts. She wants to feel something for us. She is trusting me with her scary stuff. She is taking direction from me with minimal homicidal/suicidal threats. We still see deep anger come out but she moves past it quicker. Michael has been a model son (our version of a model child, of course). No violence on his visits.
He maintained that this weekend and that is huge for him. Keep that in mind when I tell you about his visit. No violence is big, it's progress.
He was off from the moment he set foot in our home Friday. OFF. Nearly every interaction with his siblings turned into a squabble. We all have our days so I tried to help him through it. Then he turned on me. He kept saying, "everybody is lying on me". It turned into the theme of the weekend. We are used to crazy lying here. He commonly accuses others of attacking him or turning situations around and becoming anger that they are lying. I witnessed him "misunderstand" all of us over and over. He began to seem deeply hurt. That was new. He remained calm. he talked through it every time. He was very confused. When I say this happened 30 times, it may be an understatement. He eventually asked to go to bed. It began all over Saturday.
I could see he was escalating and was concerned we would have to take him back early. I called both of his therapists. They had some great advice and we were able to salvage the evening by watching a movie quietly. Sunday was great. He sat at the table with his Dad and put together the coolest Lego tank that shot crap at us. He thoroughly enjoyed shooting us with tiny spear things. We ate dinner and he and Ava played some more while the table and dishes were being done.
Out of no where, he got rough with Ava. He began to kick her and punch her. She half laughed out of shock and he took that as confirmation it was ok to continue. We starting talking about why he decided to do that. It became clear when the other kids chimed in that he had been doing it to them and they didn't say anything because he wasn't angry when he was doing it. They felt like he was roughhousing and even though he isn't allowed to touch them, E.V.E.R., they felt like they handled it. It quickly turned into, "you are all lying". He didn't get violent. He didn't agree with anyone and was again, confused. He kinda stomped off into our dining area. My hubby could see him and we heard him throw the Lego tank to the ground and it shattered. When my hubby cried out, "WHY?" in his frustration, Ruthie began to lose it.
Ruthie has a history of attacking me when her brother is out of control. She is triggered and becomes psychotic. We can't make her understand he is safe, that he needs our attention right then, or that it is him that is having the issue, not me. I can't reason with her. Most times, I have to move from Michael to keep Ruthie safe from herself. I fully expected that from her last night when she began to cry. Our attention as a familoy turned to help Ruthie since Michael seemed to be holding his anger in check. SHe expressed anger towards my hubby for the first time. SHe talked about what triggered her. How she was feeling. She even decided to separate herself from the situation to calm down. How is that for amazing?
Michael took this very moment of progress and bolted out the door. Usually, when he gets agitated, we turn on the door alarms to all our out going doors. He seemed to be fine and it never even dawned on any of us. The kids saw him run up our back drive. I ran out to find him but he was gone. I had to call the police and the RTC to help. He was found a ocuple miles up the road getting dangerously close to the interstate. We live on a major road and he has run into traffic in parking lots so I was a mess until he pulled up in the back of a cop car.
Poor officers never know what to expect about why these things happened. They have to consider he was running from an abusive home. They kept him separate from us and spoke to him about why he left. Having such a severe processing issue and speech disorder, they kind of gave up. He ran to my arms and began sobbing into me. I comforted him and asked if he was ok. I told him I wasn't mad and was so glad he was safe. I pointed out this may have not gone well but no one was hurt. One of the 4 officers began to chuckle, "I guess he's alright here.".
When everyone calmed down, I took him back to the RTC. He acted like nothing happened. With all that drama, all I kept saying was, "but he didn't get violent". I'm really proud of him for that. Now I get to spend time on the phone with his therapists. We have to figure out what the heck is going on with him. I refuse to see this as anything except a moment of success for him. He is changing. He may never have things competely under control but I see a light.
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Poor Daddy
We recently made a decision to put a tracker on our 15 year old's cell phone. There wasn't anything going on that we were worried about, we just thought it would be a good way to keep up an eye out for problems. We were shocked to discover texts revealing some previous scary activities. We thought things were worked through and discovered there were other things to worry about last night.
I won't go into details but will say that we are so glad we caught this pattern of behavior. This is a child that is respectful, attached, and genuinely a very sweet child. She has worked hard and we couldn't be any more proud of her. With all of our love, support, and work to build her self esteem, she found it extremely hard to avoid the path so many sexually abused children go down. We are in the process of helping her realize she is worth so much more than what she thinks she is.
I hate that her world has to be so small to protect her from herself but that's the only way to keep her safe. The things that stands out for this child is her ability to see her mistakes for what they are, listen and follow our advice, and want better for herself. She will work through this. We all knew there would be growing pains during the teens years. The only person I'm concerned about is her poor Daddy. He wants to strangle any boy that "takes advantage of his baby" even if there is proof and admissions that is isn't a victim at all.
I spent 2 hours at a neuro psychiatrist today for Michael. This lady really listened and described my child amazingly well. She will do an evaluation to figure out how to help him overcome his intense processing issues this October. At the end of our appt, I made one for both Patches and Ruthie!
Ruthie has already been taken out of regular classes! Her case manager/special ed teacher is awesome! Ruthie came home yesterday crying that she felt so out of place. Her teacher had already spoken to the asst principal this morning when I got there to change her to the resource room for all subjects. Ruthie came home very relieved today.
I wanted to announce, I'm working on a book. Who knows how long it will take but it will eventually come. I'm scared to death!
I won't go into details but will say that we are so glad we caught this pattern of behavior. This is a child that is respectful, attached, and genuinely a very sweet child. She has worked hard and we couldn't be any more proud of her. With all of our love, support, and work to build her self esteem, she found it extremely hard to avoid the path so many sexually abused children go down. We are in the process of helping her realize she is worth so much more than what she thinks she is.
I hate that her world has to be so small to protect her from herself but that's the only way to keep her safe. The things that stands out for this child is her ability to see her mistakes for what they are, listen and follow our advice, and want better for herself. She will work through this. We all knew there would be growing pains during the teens years. The only person I'm concerned about is her poor Daddy. He wants to strangle any boy that "takes advantage of his baby" even if there is proof and admissions that is isn't a victim at all.
I spent 2 hours at a neuro psychiatrist today for Michael. This lady really listened and described my child amazingly well. She will do an evaluation to figure out how to help him overcome his intense processing issues this October. At the end of our appt, I made one for both Patches and Ruthie!
Ruthie has already been taken out of regular classes! Her case manager/special ed teacher is awesome! Ruthie came home yesterday crying that she felt so out of place. Her teacher had already spoken to the asst principal this morning when I got there to change her to the resource room for all subjects. Ruthie came home very relieved today.
I wanted to announce, I'm working on a book. Who knows how long it will take but it will eventually come. I'm scared to death!
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