A Bump In the Road

The kids are great. Their level of energy and what it does to the house is difficult but manageable. My son can't handle all the running and wrestling (it's not allowed here and apparantly it's a very dificult rule to follow). It get's him going and he misinterprets the play for an attack. It doesn't matter he begins it.

He lost it yesterday and threw my new mixer across the room and locked himself in his. I was very worried about him in there and it has an outside handle on it from the previous family. Well, not anymore. My husband had to kick in the door. The other kids think my DH is like the guys in the movies now. LOL My son really lost it and I had a very hard time getting a good grip which only helps to increase his violence feeling out of control. In the end, I'm limping from a really hard kick in the hip that is causing the leg to tingle like it's asleep, I have 2 lovely scratches, and the tip of my finger is swollen and throbs while it waits for the nail to come off. He managed to bite it with his molars and I couldn't get it out. I'm hoping the damage isn't permanent, it has lost so much of it's feeling that it almost feels like a dead man's finger on the print side. Very strange.

He ruptured the blood vessels in his face again. He has a couple of discolored spot on his face from when he his face on the floor over and over. He was very upset when he had blood in his mouth, mostly mine and some may have come from my nail scratching him in there while he bit me. We can't find a source and nothing on him hurts. Again, I am the only one hurt, as it should be. I can't wait for a time when none of us have to be hurt. I know he longs for that, too. He has been stuck to me like glue since. Terrified I will give up on him.

It was hard on Ruthie. She tried so hard not to be angry at me She couldn't hold on. If my DH hadn't been there, she would attacked me while I was trying to keep him safe. She was circling like she does right before. He had to come in and stand between us to prevent he going for it. She sobbed when I could finally sit with her to process her feelings. She doesn't understand why she does this. She feels an urge to stop me from holding him and at the same time she is terrified I will let go of him. Lately, she has been screaming, "Why did they do this to us? I hate them!" when she begins to calm down. She has begun to blame them for her bad feelings and urges to hurt me. Soon we will need to help her accept responsibility for her own actions. We do this now but still allow her to place some of it on them for making her so angry inside. It took a long time for her to allow herself to be angry at them.

As awful as all of this sounds, we love them and see progress. Enough to keep us trying and hoping they will learn to cope and be safe, most of all find happiness. ANy kind of change is stressful here. I imagine we will start to see long periods of calm. They are trying so hard. I love them so much. Sometimes, I wish I didn't love them. I could put them in a RTC and walk away. But I do and I can't. Today is another day. We will try to keep their illness far enough away to enjoy a little bit of each other's company. I will try to find the right amount of meds to keep them calm and not make them tired. I will find new and interesting ways to redirect and entertain them. I will find my packed cameras and place them in their play areas so I can leave them for a moment. We will keep finding a way to make this work and be safe for every one.