My son has been home for 8 weeks and his honeymoon is officially over. He can't follow a rule or stop trying to argue with me to save his life. He actually argues by himself until he ends up sobbing. It's so sad to watch but worse, it gets on my nerves. I walk away. I have to. He hounds me to the point I can't speak to him. His brain doesn't process his thoughts very fast and you can see him trying to come up with the next lie but instead he studders. He no longer has any of his Christmas gifts and his room smells so bad that we have to keep his door shut. I spray it every day but he works very hard at keeping the urine stench fresh.
Patches is amazing. Ruthie is even better than that. Emma is a ball of anxiety. Cyr is finally letting some of the stress go. Ella is taking a mental health day today and hanging out with Kiki and I. Ava is growing way too fast. Kiki is like a wind up toy wound too tight. She doesn't stop. EVER.
My MIL, however, is not doing well. She has been battling breast cancer that has moved into her bones for quite awhile. She has been in and out of the hospital for a couple weeks and is very weak.
I really got lucky in the MIL dept. I lovingly call her delusionally optimistic. I think it gives you an idea of her personality. Nothing is ever bad. She can do anything. She is strong and brave. She hasn't chosen an easy path in life but never complains. We are a stronger family because of her. My son is the man he is because of her. She is literally the nicest person I know. She has always been kind and giving but has spent more time with my difficult children than any one else. She never says no and always goes out of her way to help. It is breaking my heart she is across the state and I can't help her when she needs it the most. All I can do is hope she gives in to my pleas and comes to stay with us until she feels stronger. If she doesn't give in soon, I may have to break out the bribes and threats.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
I joke with my hubby and insist I'm considering taking up a heroin addiction so I can escape from reality. I've been teasing him for years about it. The other night after watching Shameless on Showtime, he shared with me that the family in the show is how our's would look if something happened to me. Of course, he was joking but it got me thinking. Now I'm dedicated to sticking around. LOL
Today sucks. I'm sitting with Patches and Cyr waiting on their forensic interviews. Stress galore. I'd trade places w them in a heart beat.
Cyr posted a little about why we are here today on her blog. www.intomychaos.blogspot.com
Today sucks. I'm sitting with Patches and Cyr waiting on their forensic interviews. Stress galore. I'd trade places w them in a heart beat.
Cyr posted a little about why we are here today on her blog. www.intomychaos.blogspot.com
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
New DX
I spent my afternoon driving almost 2 hours away to sit with a very insightful neuro-psychologist. She has spent 10 hours with my son and I trying to dx him properly. In the end, she said his RAD and PTSD are not the key players anymore and while he will continue to struggle with both, his current dx is Childhood Onset Schizophrenia and PDD-NOS. We had been told by a psychiatrist during one of his early week long hospitalizations that he had it but had failed to get any one willing to put it in writing. No one wants to label a child with this. I can't blame them. This doctor did a fabulous job explaining his new evaluation and how to help him. This will change his educational career and help him reach his full potential.
This new dx also means we have experience with every disorder/mental illness except FAS. How messed up is that? With another child experiencing auditory hallucinations, our worst fear is that we are moving towards 3 of the six siblings with Schizophrenia. It's not fair. Mental illness is a bitch.
My 2 children that have made recent allegations about their former foster parent are really struggling. One is acting out at school but shutting down completely and the other has been home for 2 days bc she is too overwhelmed by people. We are waiting to hear when the forensic interview will be scheduled for them. They are both sharing their stories with us separately. My hubby couldn't hold back his tears last night when one finally shared the worst part. My heart breaks for them. Their therapist offered to run out here last night to help bc she is that invested in helping my kids. They are strong and brave kids. We will all be here to help them pick up the pieces.
This new dx also means we have experience with every disorder/mental illness except FAS. How messed up is that? With another child experiencing auditory hallucinations, our worst fear is that we are moving towards 3 of the six siblings with Schizophrenia. It's not fair. Mental illness is a bitch.
My 2 children that have made recent allegations about their former foster parent are really struggling. One is acting out at school but shutting down completely and the other has been home for 2 days bc she is too overwhelmed by people. We are waiting to hear when the forensic interview will be scheduled for them. They are both sharing their stories with us separately. My hubby couldn't hold back his tears last night when one finally shared the worst part. My heart breaks for them. Their therapist offered to run out here last night to help bc she is that invested in helping my kids. They are strong and brave kids. We will all be here to help them pick up the pieces.
Saturday, January 07, 2012
Someone Showed Their Ass
We have a new behavior. Well, it's not new but the reason is new. Michael needs to be in control of everything. It's really sad to watch him ruin his day with constant arguing. One of his new ways is to hate everything I serve for any meal. It doesn't matter what it is, he hates it, refuses to eat it, and begins trying to get me to let him eat something else. When you have a large family, you serve one meal for everyone. Our rules are eat what you want and don't be rude if you don't want it. He has NEVER turned down food, any food. The boy ate chocolate covered bugs, he will eat anything. Now he hates everything and begins digging in the fridge calling out alternatives. I've basically ignored it and calmly said no to every option. He eventually starts sobbing and screaming we won't let him eat. We repeat he can choose to eat or not and it is fine with us and walk away. You'd think that would be all but you are wrong. He continues to scream, sob, and becomes destructive. Eventually, he will eat 2 or 3 helpings of the horrible crap I tried to pull off as a meal. It's getting old. Last night, we had to restrain him because he was becoming unsafe because he "hates macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, corn, and ice cream" that the birthday girls requested for their dinner.
Another fun one that we are seeing is in the morning. With Michael and Patches both, you have to be very clear with their rules. You can not have any variations, no exceptions, EVER. If you do, it changes it forever. She will yell that I am breaking the rule trying to keep it the same. He can't follow the rule and tries to always do the exception. I'll give you an example of each, I have many to choose from.
Michael has a strict rule that he is supposed to stay in his room in the morning until I shut off his alarm. I made an exception that he can come to my room to shower IF he wets. Now that was the mistake I made. Now he has something to work with. He comes out of his room multiple times a morning before I am out of bed. Sometimes it is to shower for 30 minutes in my bathroom because he is wet. He will also shower downstairs without telling me. He checks to see if I am awake. He comes out to get toys. He showers for no reason other than he is bored. For those of you that do not have mentally ill children or do not know his back story, it is not safe for him to be out of his room. Let your minds wander and assume it is 10 x worse than that. He can not be unsupervised.
Patches is different but equally irritating. I have made it clear to the kids that certain things they threaten will force me to call the police. There are times I can not immediately call them like if she gets too out of control and has to be physically restrained. Usually, that restraint will allow her to let out all her anger and then she is calm and completely safe. At this point, she won't be accepted into the hospital and she doesn't need to go. She will turn on me later saying I don't love her because she didn't go to the hospital the last time she was aggressive. The whole "you don't love me because" is a game she plays with me constantly. She adds up anything she can manipulate and uses it the next time she gets upset. It rarely makes any sense to anyone else but is very real to her. It is proof that I hate her. She refuses to remember how I was calm and loving when I explained how she had gotten things under control and was safe , only that I didn't do what I said.
Someone is currently sobbing like someone killed her baby because her sister touched her shirt when she was cleaning up the shelf it was on. I'm not making this up. Now try to convince them it might be something other than the shirt will be difficult. I think we should play relay parenting. Tag, your it. Good luck!
Another fun one that we are seeing is in the morning. With Michael and Patches both, you have to be very clear with their rules. You can not have any variations, no exceptions, EVER. If you do, it changes it forever. She will yell that I am breaking the rule trying to keep it the same. He can't follow the rule and tries to always do the exception. I'll give you an example of each, I have many to choose from.
Michael has a strict rule that he is supposed to stay in his room in the morning until I shut off his alarm. I made an exception that he can come to my room to shower IF he wets. Now that was the mistake I made. Now he has something to work with. He comes out of his room multiple times a morning before I am out of bed. Sometimes it is to shower for 30 minutes in my bathroom because he is wet. He will also shower downstairs without telling me. He checks to see if I am awake. He comes out to get toys. He showers for no reason other than he is bored. For those of you that do not have mentally ill children or do not know his back story, it is not safe for him to be out of his room. Let your minds wander and assume it is 10 x worse than that. He can not be unsupervised.
Patches is different but equally irritating. I have made it clear to the kids that certain things they threaten will force me to call the police. There are times I can not immediately call them like if she gets too out of control and has to be physically restrained. Usually, that restraint will allow her to let out all her anger and then she is calm and completely safe. At this point, she won't be accepted into the hospital and she doesn't need to go. She will turn on me later saying I don't love her because she didn't go to the hospital the last time she was aggressive. The whole "you don't love me because" is a game she plays with me constantly. She adds up anything she can manipulate and uses it the next time she gets upset. It rarely makes any sense to anyone else but is very real to her. It is proof that I hate her. She refuses to remember how I was calm and loving when I explained how she had gotten things under control and was safe , only that I didn't do what I said.
Someone is currently sobbing like someone killed her baby because her sister touched her shirt when she was cleaning up the shelf it was on. I'm not making this up. Now try to convince them it might be something other than the shirt will be difficult. I think we should play relay parenting. Tag, your it. Good luck!
Friday, January 06, 2012
Time Is Flying By
The holidays went so much better than I expected. We had friends here for about 2 weeks and it was stressful with 18 people in the house. We survived. Kids loved their gifts and not a single complaint about who got what.
We finally got my son registered and in school The school appointed him his very own para pro. They hired him just for my son and without my suggestion. They wrote up an incredibly detailed safety plan for him, too. I'm pretty impressed with them, so far. The AP took me aside and confessed her background is Special Ed and the kids with the emotional issues have always been her passion. He's doing well this week and even magically overcame his fear of the dark to catch his bus alone. It's a miracle. LOL
My curly headed lovely went in front of a Judge on Tuesday for 2 counts of battery against me and criminal trespassing for kicking holes in our wall. The Investigator was firm but kind and she followed her directions well when she spoke with the Judge. She held her head up and made eye contact. Considering I suggested it and she shut down even more, I was tickled she managed to hear the Investigator and follow through with it. She received 2 years Probation and can be let off in 6 months, if she isn't running around and violating it. I'm thinking this is something she can handle because they made all the conditions reasonable. I have high hopes for her and think an outside source is the key for her. At the rate she was going, a parole officer was in her future so getting to know the juvenile probation dept isn't as horrible as it sounds. This way, if she chooses to learn from the experience, she will have a clean record as an adult. It's not the end of the world.
My anxious little 10 yr old became a woman last month. I just received a call from the school clinic that she started her cycle again. She has the pain tolerance of a sick husband. She wanted to get out of PE and let me know she was suffering. I'm hoping this isn't going to be a pattern that she feels the need to call me every month from school, just to keep me informed. I can certainly wait until after school.
The twins are 10 today!!! My sweet little girls are growing up. We barely acknowledge birthdays here to minimize their emotions. We let them choose dinner and dessert. They receive a small gift and I sing every chance I get to them. Once a year we celebrate all their birthdays with our big carnival. Ella chose TV dinners and Ava wanted Spaghetti Os. Nasty but we will manage. The both wanted their own pint of ice cream instead of a cake. So easy for me! Both girls are doing great in school and are starting to develop friends that they see out of school. It's a great thing to watch.
Speaking of friends...my son told his therapist that I don't let him talk on the phone or have his own cell. While some parents might feel the need to become defensive, I laughed. I admitted I may be holding him back but offered I'd be happy to allow him if he could tell me the name of one friend. He stuttered a bit and babbled some crap about he has friends at school and so on. I asked for a name. nothing. The therapist was barley holding her grin back as we bantered back and forth. In the end, I suggested he have them write down the names and numbers of his friends and I would gladly help him call them. He knew there was nothing else do deny or accuse me of but tried one last time. "You won't let them come over." I praised him for his effort and walked away. I looked back and even though his head was down, he was smiling. Little Booger!
Kiki is Kiki. She spent the night at my sisters last week and her sisters the week before! Shocked and amazed is about all I can say. She even called me to tell me here sister, Emma, was acting like a baby but she was not and she had to go.
Ruthie has always had a lot of somatic symptoms. People with anxiety usually do. We see it in Emma, as well. The stress of the house over the last couple of weeks has taken it's toll on her. She is physically drained. She isn't doing much outside of laying on my bed and watching TV. I thought she had come down with something until I started questioning her about her feelings. It was stress. As she is talking about her feelings, the aches and illness are slowly going away.
My oldest had a heck of a vacation. I won't go into details but think it is important to share how she is discovering things about herself. She is very insightful and brave. She has had boundary issues with boys and I have written about them several times. It isn't uncommon in girls that have been sexually abused to struggle with them as they reach their teen years. She is no exception. Until this point, she hasn't been able to look at herself from any other view. I asked her this week to think about WHY she is having such a hard time saying no to boys. I know the answer but she hasn't been able to believe it. She defends the boys and even her actions. This time was different. It's not that the boys are horrible and make her. They do what boys do and pressure, a normal teen thing. She quietly told me in her room last night how she hasn't had a choice in the past and doesn't know how to say it now. HUGE!
It is no secret, we are all aware of the terms flight, fight, or freeze. More often than not, children being sexually abused "freeze". This sets them up to "freeze" when confronted with sex in their teen years and into adulthood. It's not that they aren't feeling good or that they don't want to do it. Their brains freeze up. They fall into the same feelings they had before, they have no choice. If they just do it and get it over, it will be better. The flip side to this is they try to recreate sex situations by being in control of the act. They can be the aggressor. They are just trying to recreate that situation and change the ending. They do not want to be the victim. They end up being called sluts by their peers. She was already coming to some of these conclusions on her own but when I laid it out for her, it was a big moment for her. She agrees that she needs to get her rear back into therapy and work through this.
She shared some things with me that I wish were shocking but having listened to their histories of abuse, I wasn't surprised, at all. I will say that I had to make a phone call today that wasn't fun. I had to report her latest allegations against her father and former foster dad. Pieces of shit is what they are. I'm sure nothing will be done to her father since he will never see the light of day and it will boil down to her word against his. I will be following through with making sure the foster home is closed.
I always knew that we would never know the entire story of the abuse they all endured but to hear this 5 1/2 years into claiming them as my children is kinda freaking me out that is so much more to hear.
We finally got my son registered and in school The school appointed him his very own para pro. They hired him just for my son and without my suggestion. They wrote up an incredibly detailed safety plan for him, too. I'm pretty impressed with them, so far. The AP took me aside and confessed her background is Special Ed and the kids with the emotional issues have always been her passion. He's doing well this week and even magically overcame his fear of the dark to catch his bus alone. It's a miracle. LOL
My curly headed lovely went in front of a Judge on Tuesday for 2 counts of battery against me and criminal trespassing for kicking holes in our wall. The Investigator was firm but kind and she followed her directions well when she spoke with the Judge. She held her head up and made eye contact. Considering I suggested it and she shut down even more, I was tickled she managed to hear the Investigator and follow through with it. She received 2 years Probation and can be let off in 6 months, if she isn't running around and violating it. I'm thinking this is something she can handle because they made all the conditions reasonable. I have high hopes for her and think an outside source is the key for her. At the rate she was going, a parole officer was in her future so getting to know the juvenile probation dept isn't as horrible as it sounds. This way, if she chooses to learn from the experience, she will have a clean record as an adult. It's not the end of the world.
My anxious little 10 yr old became a woman last month. I just received a call from the school clinic that she started her cycle again. She has the pain tolerance of a sick husband. She wanted to get out of PE and let me know she was suffering. I'm hoping this isn't going to be a pattern that she feels the need to call me every month from school, just to keep me informed. I can certainly wait until after school.
The twins are 10 today!!! My sweet little girls are growing up. We barely acknowledge birthdays here to minimize their emotions. We let them choose dinner and dessert. They receive a small gift and I sing every chance I get to them. Once a year we celebrate all their birthdays with our big carnival. Ella chose TV dinners and Ava wanted Spaghetti Os. Nasty but we will manage. The both wanted their own pint of ice cream instead of a cake. So easy for me! Both girls are doing great in school and are starting to develop friends that they see out of school. It's a great thing to watch.
Speaking of friends...my son told his therapist that I don't let him talk on the phone or have his own cell. While some parents might feel the need to become defensive, I laughed. I admitted I may be holding him back but offered I'd be happy to allow him if he could tell me the name of one friend. He stuttered a bit and babbled some crap about he has friends at school and so on. I asked for a name. nothing. The therapist was barley holding her grin back as we bantered back and forth. In the end, I suggested he have them write down the names and numbers of his friends and I would gladly help him call them. He knew there was nothing else do deny or accuse me of but tried one last time. "You won't let them come over." I praised him for his effort and walked away. I looked back and even though his head was down, he was smiling. Little Booger!
Kiki is Kiki. She spent the night at my sisters last week and her sisters the week before! Shocked and amazed is about all I can say. She even called me to tell me here sister, Emma, was acting like a baby but she was not and she had to go.
Ruthie has always had a lot of somatic symptoms. People with anxiety usually do. We see it in Emma, as well. The stress of the house over the last couple of weeks has taken it's toll on her. She is physically drained. She isn't doing much outside of laying on my bed and watching TV. I thought she had come down with something until I started questioning her about her feelings. It was stress. As she is talking about her feelings, the aches and illness are slowly going away.
My oldest had a heck of a vacation. I won't go into details but think it is important to share how she is discovering things about herself. She is very insightful and brave. She has had boundary issues with boys and I have written about them several times. It isn't uncommon in girls that have been sexually abused to struggle with them as they reach their teen years. She is no exception. Until this point, she hasn't been able to look at herself from any other view. I asked her this week to think about WHY she is having such a hard time saying no to boys. I know the answer but she hasn't been able to believe it. She defends the boys and even her actions. This time was different. It's not that the boys are horrible and make her. They do what boys do and pressure, a normal teen thing. She quietly told me in her room last night how she hasn't had a choice in the past and doesn't know how to say it now. HUGE!
It is no secret, we are all aware of the terms flight, fight, or freeze. More often than not, children being sexually abused "freeze". This sets them up to "freeze" when confronted with sex in their teen years and into adulthood. It's not that they aren't feeling good or that they don't want to do it. Their brains freeze up. They fall into the same feelings they had before, they have no choice. If they just do it and get it over, it will be better. The flip side to this is they try to recreate sex situations by being in control of the act. They can be the aggressor. They are just trying to recreate that situation and change the ending. They do not want to be the victim. They end up being called sluts by their peers. She was already coming to some of these conclusions on her own but when I laid it out for her, it was a big moment for her. She agrees that she needs to get her rear back into therapy and work through this.
She shared some things with me that I wish were shocking but having listened to their histories of abuse, I wasn't surprised, at all. I will say that I had to make a phone call today that wasn't fun. I had to report her latest allegations against her father and former foster dad. Pieces of shit is what they are. I'm sure nothing will be done to her father since he will never see the light of day and it will boil down to her word against his. I will be following through with making sure the foster home is closed.
I always knew that we would never know the entire story of the abuse they all endured but to hear this 5 1/2 years into claiming them as my children is kinda freaking me out that is so much more to hear.
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