You Should Be Jealous

Kids are great. I mean really great! We had some med changes and have seen some really amazing things turn around quickly. Patches is back to her gentle and kind way. She is talking and accepting responsibility for her actions. She's not following around the new boy at school like a lost puppy. She is following directions at home and at school. It always amazes me how different they are when their meds are right. She is not groggy or sleepy from them. She is cheerful and engaging. SHe becomes active and playful. It's like she wakes up and joins life. It's exactly what they are supposed to do. By the way, if you find your kid drooling or sleeping all day, you might have the wrong meds. LOL

Michael is still holding it together. He is doing great. The stress is starting to get to him and he is having auditory hallucinations. Nothing worrisome just irritating. Who wants to be called in the house 10 times a day only to find out no one called you? That has to suck.

I've been causiously optimistic about Ruthie since her med changed a couple months ago. SHe is fantastic! No aggression. Remorse!!! Compassion and empathy are coming along. How lucky can one woman be to have so many kids working so hard simultaneously? This is real progress, too, not just a cycle for her. She is genuinely feeling better.

Ella fell this weekend on a half a million acorns and has 2 giant black knees. SHe had to be carried in the house by my hubby and she told me yesterday that she felt like a princess when he carried her. Awww! She is quite possibly the sweetest kid ever. In case you weren't aware, you should be very jealous of me. My kids rock!

Emma has started therapy to help her cope with all her anxiety. SHe seems to really enjoy it. She is feeling better with her meds. Her giggle is back. What a sweet sound that it.

Ava is working on finding her voice. The child whispers everything. This isn't new. It's about the only thing this little girl needs to work on right now. Pretty fantastic, huh? If only I could say the same about myself!

Kiki continues to entertain all she comes into contact with. She is the loudest kid in the family. She is also the funniest and most creative. She tells me "stories" every day. She tries to play them off as real but will admit she is trying to pull one over on me, if I confront her. Her latest is about Buttercup. Buttercup is her pet dinosaur. He lives in our woods. She feeds him and plays with him in our yard. SHe is very detailed about him and will go on and on about him. It is so hard to be serious while she is telling me what he eats and who he likes and on and on and on. Her stories will be fantastic books someday. I'm sure of it.

Cyr is still blogging over at www.intomychaos.blogspot.com. SHe is doing well. SHe is getting a little anxious about her hearing aids. Patience is hard at 15.

Halloween Costumes

We are going as a chain gang. hahahahahahahaha A couple of kids aren't but most of us are. Ella is our guard/officer. This completely cracks me up.

Things went well at JJD last week. Patches will go in front of a Judge. I'm conflicted about this step in her life. On one hand, better to do this at 13 than 18. On the other, I'm not confident this will ever end for her. My fingers are crossed this helps.

I spent the weekend with Kiki's family. when we go,I take Kiki's sister, Lexi, and w spend the night at their Great Granny's. This time I took the twins with me, too. Her family celebrated her birthday and she was spoiled like a princess. LOL. Its always hard on the girls and their Mom to leave.

We are working out the details to get Michael home next month. Someone shoot me, please. Coordinating services, well more like finding services, is hard. The new IFI program that we began a few weeks ago, is a real disappointment. They aren't coming out like they should and they have very little knowledge of RAD and the complicated feelings/issues that come with it. They are really dropping the ball.

They were going to schedule an appt w their pdoc to do a psychological evaluation on Patches. They are usually done by a psychologist so when they insisted on doing it w their psychiatrist, I questioned it. I was assured they had it right. We went to the appt yesterday and LOVED her. She spoke to both Patches and I about her symptoms/issues. She gave her thoughts about appropriate dx for her. She was right on the money all the way around. Everything. That never happens. We always end up explaining how and who gave the kids their dx. Then we end up defending it to someone that has just met my kid(s). This was a nice change. It's really too bad the rest of the staff seems so unavailable to meet our needs.

JJD

We are off to meet with the Juvenile Probation Dept. They seemed to have changed their mind about putting my nearly 14 yr old in front of a Judge for the Battery charges. The woman claims her supervisor feels it should be let go because she has a dx. I have every intention on changing their minds back. If they let it go, it proves further proves that adults aren't going to follow through with things and it is OK to continue to hit me when she gets mad. She knows the difference between right and wrong. She controls herself with other adults and even the kids. She is terrified of Judges. I'm hoping it would help her get that her actions have consequences. I don't hit her, she needs to stop hitting me because she is mad at someone else.

I have a couple of stalkers. I'm so special! I suggest y'all get back to work before I call and tell your employers about your threats and other activities. The tracker I have on here tells me where you are, who you work for, how often you open the page, and even what posts you read. Busted! It's so sad you go to such great lengths to learn about my life. I've tried to be nice and talk to you but you aren't interested. It's fine with me but people are tired of hearing your complaining about me. If you don't like what I have to say, don't read it. If you feel like something is inaccurate, you were always free to say so. You could have even asked me to remove it and I would have. Instead you hide behind your computer to stalk me, twist my words, and then complain. Everything I post is true to my knowledge. You may not like it but it's true. In most cases, I've been more than nice. Since I have no way to contact you privately, I did it on here. I will not do it again. If you threaten me again, I will report you to the police and your work.

A Very Emotional Night

Cyr showed no improvement after a round of steroids. The doctor said it looks like it is a genetic form of hearing loss instead of damage to her ears. They took a mold of her ears today. Now we wait until they call to have us come in to fit the new aids. She has been a real trooper. SHe was a bit weepy tonight. I told her it is perfectly normal and she has every right to be upset.

I really don;t think this will hold her back. She will be able to do anything she wants. She may just have to take a different route to get there. I wish I could post her biggest concern but instead I'll just put a reminder in here that I told her she wasn't deaf and dumb and things will work out. Her and I will get a big laugh about that when she can find humor in all this later. Oh, and she should just go ahead and take full advantage of this now and blame all her lower grades on this emotional trauma. She admitted she plans on doing that. LOL She is SO my daughter.

I reconnected with someone tonight that I thought I lost many years ago. I love how much she has grown and how she has the ability to say what she thinks in a very clear but kind way. She is as amazing as I knew she would be. I would love to tell you who she is but with recent events that you all are not aware of, I shall keep her nameless. We sure would hate for people to attack her, too, for no reason. She knows who she is and that's all that matters. Somehow, the young women in this group she belongs, are so much more mature and accepting than their parents. I knew there was a reason I adored them all.

An Eventful Day Ahead

I have a busy day ahead of me. Emma is seeing the pdoc for the first time in over a year. She asked to get back on meds to control her anxiety shortly after school started back. It's too much to handle with her coping skills alone. We began to see depression slip in for the first time over the Summer so we agreed, it's time.

After that, Cyr goes back to the ENT to today to read the results of the CT scan. Since the ringing hasn't decreased nor is she hearing any better, we are pretty sure she will still require the hearing aids. With all the waiting and back and forth, it will be a relief for her to just get it over with.

My oldest niece got married in Las Vegas a few weeks ago. We will be attending her very belated reception at her Mom's, my oldest sister, home. It should be interesting for several reasons. My Mom and her man will be there and even though he is my oldest's father, things are tense between them. My youngest sister stopped speaking to me for no reason a few years ago and has been a real witch about me to others. I haven't seen her since. She's bringing her husband with her and from what everyone says, he's a piece of work, too. If that wasn't enough drama, my kids do not do well around drinking people. They all have a scary memory of a big brawl and even an accidental shooting at a family function before living with us. We have shown them that responsible social drinking is safe but this will be their first big party with alcohol present. It could go either way. I'm hoping for a lovely drama free celebration for my niece. Any bets someone else acts like an idiot after a couple glasses if wine? We should start a pool. LOL I almost forgot, I received some nasty comments from my oldest sister's friends awhile back. They may be there. Woo Hoo!

We decided on our costumes for this year. We will be a chain gang! Ella will be our prison guard. Hahahahahaha. It completely cracks me up. I know, it doesn't take much.

Asking For Help

Something we've seen throughout the entire sibling group is the inability to ask for help when they are in need. One of them will ask for help constantly when they don't need it but none of them do when they are sick or scared. As 3 of them have begun to heal, they will tell me they need meds for an illness or ache, if they are awake. The other three dare you to catch them sick. My son and Patches go out of their way to let you know they have a fever or have vomited. I can't count the times I've found dried puke on their beds they have covered up. The RTC has been equally surprised by this behavior from him.

Logically, I know where this comes from. Their needs were never met as very young children so seeking it now is foreign to them. When they were hungry, no one fed them. When they were dirty, no one cleaned them. When they were tired, no one rocked them. When they were hurt, no one comforted them. Their brains are not wired to expect help. When they are awake, they can think it through and realize that I'm here for them. In the middle of the night, they just revert back to what they know. I've gone out of my way to assure them they are always welcome to come to my room. It doesn't help. Their behavior remains an extreme contrast to my other attached children.

This changed this morning for Patches. I was already awake and waiting for the arm to go off when I heard, "Mom". I nearly crapped myself. I just knew it had to be horrific. I jumped up and ran to her. I asked her what was wrong and held my breath. She began telling me she had a bad dream and every time she fell back asleep, it would continue.

Surprised, I asked her what the dream was about. She told me that we were al on a boat in the ocean and I jumped into the shark infested water. I told Ella to get in and then swam to safety leaving Ella to be eaten since she is not able to swim. Ella has Cerebral Palsy and her legs just can't kick enough to keep her afloat. (In her birth home, her father would become enraged and beat Ella with a belt as she tried to drag herself down the hall. This image has tormented Patches for years and made her feel she is weak and needs protection.)

I think the dream is pretty accurate about how she sees me. She is terrified I'm going to somehow trick her and her siblings into caring for me then hurt them. How could she not feel this way? It's exactly what her parents did. She loved them, they hurt her and refused to take care of her. I'm just some lady who stole her from them before they could get it together and live happily ever after.

I know it seems silly to some of you that I would be so excited over this simple act. Some of you are grinning from ear to ear or welling up with tears because you are living with a child like mine or were a child like her. You know how hard this was for her. What a leap it was for her to trust me enough to tell me she was scared and what abut. It took everything I had not to jump around and squeeze her. I calmly patted her back and told her how strong she was for telling me. I assured her in the only way she will allow me without shutting down. She left this morning without any anger for the first time in weeks.

Our Real Life Princess

We have a birthday in the house today. Kiera (Kiki) turned 4. I've said it many times, this child has a huge personality. HUGE, people. She is quite the character. She is in charge of all of us. We all bow to her and her wishes. It is biting us in the ass. I may be in over my head in a few years. LOL

She refuses to sleep all night in her own bed and will often promise to snuggle with the other parent on their side when it is suggested she return to her bed. She insists on having homework because the kids do. She picks out her own clothes. She speaks as clearly and has the vocabulary of a teenager. She is smart as a whip and corrects anyone without fear of consequences. She is my sole companion and entertainer all day long. She is confident, thoughtful, smart, funny, and generous. She gives me movie star kisses, fixes my hair, and tells me what it's like to be a "real life princess". We play games and she doesn't trust me to use my own words. She writes my side of the conversation to suite her. She has an incredible imagination. She is a joy to parent.

Today, as friends and family called to wish her happy birthday, she made it clear that just saying it wasn't enough. She made the all sing it. She is under the impression that since we are celebrating her special day 4 times this year to do it with everyone that loves her, every year she will add another day. So, next year 5 days, the year after 6 days and so on. She dismissed my objections.

She has the benefit of having a very open relationship with her first family. To her, every one has 2 moms and 2 families. It is natural. I'm not saying it's always easy, it's not. She doesn't see them enough. She would love to see them every month but it's not possible right now. She is content with calling her Mom every few days and going with me to spend the night up there every few months. It will be more when they can do more.

Coming and Going

We had hoped to have all the kids home by the end of the month. That's not looking like it's going to happen. He will still be coming but someone is making it clear she needs RTC. She is impossible to live with. Her anger outbursts aren't making any sense to us. she is scaring her siblings and that was the turning point for us. She can treat me horrible and I can take it. They shouldn't have to. They don't want to.

We have always thought that Patches wouldn't have a lot of boy issues since she can't stand to be touched. She is mean to the boys she had crushes on so far and seems to go out of her way to hurt their feelings. We have compared her to a praying mantis in love. That has changed.

She has found herself attracted to a smart bad boy. He has convinced her no one can make her do anything at school or home. He lays his head down at school so she does. He told her he is in a gang, does drugs, and dates older girls. She is smitten. She can't say his name without smiling. She doesn't even realize she is smiling.

Yesterday, she told us she was threatened with out of school suspension because she wouldn't leave the class while he was having a violent outburst. She was in danger. She didn't care. She was grinning from ear to ear the entire story. Trying not to tickher off, I remained quiet. Her sister told her that was ridiculous. We quickly moved onto picking up Emma and heading to the park.

All went well until it didn't. I'm not sure where I went wrong. We ran through the grocery store and she began trying to irritate the kids. When one of them finally said she was making them mad, she replied that I was making her mad. She continued and eventually, I had to step in. All I asked was what I could do differently that wouldn't bother her. That's it. Then she began with the hate stuff. We headed home. She calmed. I knew she was on the edge and offered to do her chore, of she would apologize. For the next 3 hours, we had to listen to her scream about how I'm a witch and gay. We ignored. We ate dinner. Hubby came home. She quieted but got sneaky. Made stupid threats that forced me to physically monitor her. Eventually, she threw her dirty socks in my face and raised her arm to hit me. My hubby took 2 giant steps and she put it back down.

I'm so stressed about her that I was up at 3:30 am. Can't sleep. That is nothing remarkable in itself but irritating. Her behaviors get crazy every Fall. Every year prior, I've spent my time trying to figure out her triggers, her trauma events, how to help her feel better, and make her life happier. Things are different this year. I'm going to focus the kids that are working hard and help make their lives better by having her admitted to a RTC. Its past time. I love her and want what best for her. We are all running out of patience. Time for a family time out.