I NEED Advice

It seems I always procrastinate about telling the big fun events. It's just there is so much to tell and I'm writing it slowly and trying to deal with another fire, OK two of them.

The first is Sawyer. He is scheduled for a psychological evaluation with our therapist's office. After a few sessions with him it is obvious, he has Reactive Attachment Disorder. It's not just attachment issues like I had hoped. He has had a brain scan done and he doesn't have the brain of a child with ADHD. He shows many of the symptoms and signs but his brain doesn't show it. It's intentional behaviors. Now that we have a clearer picture of him physically, I have been asking a lot more questions about his past. He was traumatized, that's for sure. He was moved quite a bit and he didn't stay at the GGma's house the entire 3 yrs, as we had understood it. He had been sent back a few times to both parents and to the mother only to return to the GGma.

Now we have to think about coping with his VERY annoying behaviors while he tries to heal. It is overwhelming for my husband. Our other children allowed him to live blissfully with them for 4 yrs and rarely see any of their lovely behaviors. This son does not. He has to annoy everyone. He accidentally hurts people constantly. He breaks everything he touches, he puts everything in his mouth regardless of the danger, everything disappears, he steals, lies, and hoards, he pees and poops throughout our home and property, he has hygiene issues, he has horrible boundaries, he "misunderstands" everything her is told, he won't be quiet for more than seconds, he back talks and must have the last word of every conversation, he is disrespectful and rude, he refuses to make any eye contact, and he is in a constant battle for control.

I'm sure this didn't even begin to make clear how difficult he is. It feels like he is more difficult than the 6 together, when they came. I know that is not true. It just feels that way. I must admit, I am secret amused that my husband is struggling this time. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish this on anyone. I don't want him to suffer. I'm just happy he really sees it. It allows me a moment to step back and giggle. It helps me cope knowing I'm not alone.

The other thing is Ruthie. She is about to be discharged. The kids are terrified she will return here. They don't want her here anymore. We are stuck. Medicaid won't pay for her to stay in a facility that she is so well behaved in. They want her to come here. They refuse to qualify her for additional services because she is so well behaved. She visits and acts like an angel and then we find out she had pushed her limits with her brother on 2 occasions. Nothing major, they just let us know she has no intention of really changing. It makes me horribly sad.

Here's the dilemma. If she comes here, I worry I can't keep her safe. The new kids could be removed. If I refuse to pick her up because I fear she won't be safe, they can charge me with child abandonment or deprivation. They could remove the new kids. We wouldn't be able to finalize their adoption with felony child abuse charges. In the real world, we haven't nor will we abuse any children. (Although, when I find pee in the corner of my living room or poop in my hallway, I take deep breaths and remind myself of this.) In the insane world of child courts, we can and will be charged. We may be able to fight it. We have a paper trail and professionals willing to help us. It would be too late for the new kids. It's not fair. I don't know what to do. Either way I look, I see felony charges and the loss of 3 innocent kids, for her. All for her bad choices.

Any advice would be helpful. I would love to hear privately from anyone that has been through it. At this point, any thing would be great. We are desperate. She is being released Thursday.

I Wanna Tell You About the Carnival...

but we have all been sick and recuperating since. Forgive me. Gimme a few more days to tell you how fantastic it was and who came. If you were here and wanna share some things in the comments section, please do.

As If We Needed More Drama

It seems as if my dear husband has been set on a path of self destruction without any intent. Yesterday he was at work and sliced off his thumb print. Literally. He had to go to the hospital and have it sown back. Who does this? He has built things and used nearly every power tool there is (Yes, I know how lucky I am to have a husband that can build or fix ANYTHING) with ease and skill. He Thoroughly enjoys his job. In 16 years, he has been injured on the job maybe 3 time. All minor. He thought this was minor until the meds wore off. He whined and moaned and then finally begged me to find an all night pharmacy to fill his scripts. At about 3 AM, he was able to get some rest. He tossed and turned and cried out until I got the kids up. He is a mess. He claimed he could still build the last booth today and pick up the inflatables. We'll see about that.....

Here We Go Again

My son made a big butt out of himself today in the therapist's office. He never slowed or stopped talking about nothing. He managed to get in no less than 7 digs into me, trying to hurt my feelings. (He didn't) Stopped playing only to walk over to me and fart quietly and walk back over to play across the room. (He didn't think we would notice) He got up in their face and wouldn't give them appropriate boundaries. Trashed all the toys and couldn't remember how to pick them up. Couldn't think of one nice thing to say about me, even after some prompting. Made up whoppers the entire time he spoke. He refused to look at anyone, insisted on staring at my shoulder or the picture on the wall. I know some of you experienced moms of traumatized kids are thinking, "Hmmm. That sounds familiar."

It was blatantly obvious. I'm not sure what hid it from me before. Maybe the connection to his GGma? He seems to have a connection to her. Not anyone else. Those examples alone are not the reason for my pause. He also has the worst impulse control of any child I've met. I assumed it was ADHD. I know with a couple of my other kids, they were dx'd with ADHD and it was RAD. I think this may be the issue here, too. He is obsessed with scary movies with lots of blood and gore. I dismissed it as being a boy thing. I've never met a boy that sneaks to watch trailors of scary movies or hounds their parents constantly to watch them or talks about them as much as he does. Tonight I asked him to lather up with soap and shampoo and call me in to check (because the boy stinks every day). I gave him exact instructions with what to use, how, and even where. He called me in and he was covered in conditioner from head to toe. Really? He knows what soap is. He had to be in control. He is in a constant state of conflict over power and control. Add to these things, no real friends, low self esteem, pooping and peeing all over our house, learning disabilities, difficulty with affection, no understanding of cause and effect, stealing, and being destructive. What are we looking at? ATTACHMENT

All I keep thinking is why me? Craptastic, folks. Another kid to drag into feeling my love. I will do it. Make no mistake, I am glad he is my son and I am up for the challenge. I had just hoped we would all have an easier ride. Anna seems to be so much easier to feel love and affection. She seems to want to be loved and belong to a family. He is fighting me tooth and nail. I was so excited when he said he loved me the other day. I have a sneaky feeling he was pulling my chain.

I sat him down tonight and invited him to take as long as he wanted but I would be here with enough love for both of us. Of course, he asked me 20 inappropriate questions during this conversation and stared at my shoulder. LOL I warned him that the harder he pulled, the stronger I would become. I'm sure he'll accidentally leave me a poop present outside my door and have no clue what I'm talking about when I bring it up. I can't wait to look back on this year and feel like he accomplished something other than to drive me over the edge.

My Little Singer

It looks as if Ruthie will be leaving the RTC in 3 weeks unless she shows them some of her behaviors. They can't continue to get funding for a child that acts like an angel while in there. I'm not sure what we will do, at this point. Thinking about it makes me nervous. No word on Michael or Patches.

My MIL came up and spent the night. She did laundry, cleaned, made the kids clean their rooms, made breakfast, and made homemade fried apple pies. We didn't want her to leave, ever.

Anna is quickly taking on some of my quirks. She now makes up stupid songs and sings them to her siblings. As I'm typing she is singing, "I'm gonna fart...on Ava's face...she's gonna cry...no wonder why". LOL Mine aren't about tooting but other things. One goes like this "I'm a nasty girl and Mom don't care. I brush my teeth but won't brush my hair. I'm a nasty girl and Mom don't care. She's got a big butt that's shaped like a pear. I'm a nasty girl and Mom don't care. I smell like poop and she swears I'm a mare." You get it. I go on and on and on. I have morning songs and bedtime songs and just getting on my nerve songs. It helps lighten the mood when I start to get annoyed.

Speaking of annoyed. My husband is extremely annoyed by Sawyer. He gets in your face and won't back off. He runs circles around you. He chatters constantly about things that make no sense. He works very hard at being annoying. With that said, he revealed something to my husband that tore him up. He was devastated. He listened, he hugged, he comforted, and he called me to vent. The uncle was a very busy man. Most of you know what that means. I'll be calling the D.A.'s office to see f they will be adding charges and to see what the next step is.

A New and Improved Family

My last post hit a nerve. I received a nasty comment on my Facebook. In my ever so immature way, I wrote her back privately. She accused me of being a martyr, at fault for all the crap that has happened here this Summer, and that she couldn't talk to me about her feelings because I'm such an ogre. It irritated me but I'm grateful it has come to head and it's over. I'm surrounding myself with kids that want to work on their issues and live successfully in a family. They don't have to be perfect, just making an effort to contribute instead of sucking the life out of us. We are in a good place and will continue to work hard without the distractions of angry self absorbed people.

Some little turkey butt here brought home a head cold that includes a lovely fever and sore throat. Lucky me, they shared.

This weekend is the weekend we will be building and finalizing the booths for the party. It is exciting stuff. So far we know we are having the 70 ft obstacle course, bounce house, kissing booth, dinosaur dig, duck pond, stiker, ring toss, nose pick, tattoo/face painting, balloon darts, and lollipop tree. We are working on plinko, tic tac toe, fishing, and maybe a potty toss.

When Kiera turned 3 the other day, she was snuggled up to me and randomly told me she wants to live here. She doesn't want to live with another mommy. It broke my heart and I'm not sure where it came from. I assured her that she would live with me until she was all grown up. She asked if that was when she was 4. She is such a cutie.

Good Bye

I haven't forgotten about this place. I keep thinking I've posted something only to return and see it's been a week again.

My husband is surviving. With all the laying down he did, I'm not sure how he managed to pull a muscle in his neck but he did. Wah Wah Wah I swear he is worse than the kids. I wish I could find more patience with him but I can't. He needs to suck it up like I do. LOL

Yesterday Peyton fell off our picnic bench in the kitchen. He does this at least 3 times a week. I was just a few feet away and peeked around the corner to see he had a pool of blood under his face. I lifted him up and thought it was coming from his ear. I almost panicked. I quickly wiped away the blood to see where it was coming from and noticed his ear was clear. He had put his tooth through his lip. All the way through. There was tons of blood, as there usually is when you injure anything on your head. I managed to get the bleeding to stop and put some ice on it.

After I left for therapy with Michael at the hospital, he fell again. I returned home to see he had fallen on the cement and scraped his forehead, nose, and lips. If that wasn't bad enough, he has continued to fall over and over on the winter clothes we just took out to sort. Poor kid is in bad shape. Nothing serious but nasty looking, for sure. I feel so bad for him.

All three kids placed out of our home are doing extremely well. That is not necessarily a good thing. They are honeymooning and won't be kept there is they aren't exhibiting the behaviors we see here.

Kiera is 3! She loved having a birthday. She insisted that everyone that called her had to sing her Happy Birthday. She was very demanding to us all day. She kept pulling the "It's my birthday" card. She ate 2 pieces of pie after dinner and made me rub her tummy becasue it hurt. The next day, she argued with me that it was still her birthday. I finally gave up and told her to take 2 days. You can't argue with a 3 yr old and win.

I have elluded to the current status of our relatinship with Rosa. She has once again cut us out of her life. She lives 2 miles away and our kids go to the same school. She ignores them. She expected us to give her a reference for a job but won't speak to us. She is finally getting her junk out of our yard and I couldn't be happier to have it gone. She refuses to speak to me to tell me why she is even upset. Most of you with traumatized kids can imagine she can make up reasons in her head to justify cutting us off. My theory is that we needed her. She did this after the accident and about the time Ruthie went nuts. I was losing a daughter and was trying to cope with the damage done to another child so she feared I might need her. I was stressed about my husband and I might need her. She can take with no problem but to give back is too hard. She has told my husband a reason but it stupid and petty. It doesn't make sense. She is gone for good this time because I can't and won't continue to be used by an adult. She will never come back without my constant effort. I don't have the energy to keep her engaged. I hope she gets the job and figures out how to support herself for once.

My little Tweedle Diva has slept 2 nights in her own bed in her own room. Tweedle Dude got up and snuck past the door chime and was found wandering around the house. Little booger. I guess we are forced to use the alarm instead to keep his booty in bed.

My DH is up and moving, a little bit. He is so tired that he had to nap after his shower this morning. The Tweedles are going back down now, too. Considering I haven't slept decent in several days, so am I!