Attention

I have no idea why I get so nervous when the case workers come out to the house. It could be that the future of our beloved children are in some stranger's hands. It was uneventful. They both agree the kids will be great here.

The only concern is how we could possibly give the appropriate amount of attention to each child. It's a valid concern. It's something I work very hard on. They get all of my attention. I have no visiting friends, no job outside the home, and no activities that do not include them. My entire daily schedule is all about their needs, wants, and dreams. I sit with them, I cook for them, I help with homework, I listen to their very lengthy and sometimes fictional stories, and I spends hours each month in therapy with them. I can assure you, they get the attention they need. I make sure to spend a small window of time with each individual child every day. I tuck them all in, I make sure to tell them I love them and how wonderful they are every day. I hug and kiss them every day. I make an effort to smile every time they come into a room or come up to talk to me. I laugh like they just told the best joke in the world at every knock knock.

I don't think they lack for attention. I'm the only one in need of my attention. You can tell this any day you stop by unannounced. You will catch me in my PJs well past noon, not becasue I am lazy but becasue I haven't found a moment to shower without 2 additional children in there with me or opening the shower door every 30 seconds. My nails are never manicured. Some days I forget eat or use the restroom. My hair is in desperate need of some color to hide the grey and a hair cut. I don't care, either. As we added more kids, I have been known to leave the house like that. My kids are always immaculate. I check each one as they walk out the door. Now all I have to do is train them to check me.

He Thought He Was Dying

I took Sawyer out of school yesterday and drovehim up to see his GGma in her new apartment. He misses her and cries for her sometimes. He needed a special outing to see her. It gave us some quiet time becasue we only had Peyton with us. I bet you are wondering where Kiera was. No, I didn't lock her in the trunk. She stayed home with my very sick husband and puking Emma. I was so glad to get out of here.

We got to the GGma's and as I walked up the stairs, I smeled gas. It was strong. SHe opened the door and it poured out. I quickly got her out of the house and began openning her windows while loking for the source. SHe had bumped the stove handle and it had been on for hours. If she had lit a cigarette, she'd have blown, for sure. I'm so glad she has been trying to quit and hadn't had one all morning.

We took her out to lunch and had a blast. It is still so surprising when my kids at crazy around their families. Peyton slid off his seat and ran around the restaurant several times screaming, "Na na na boo boo, you can't catch me!" with me desperately trying to catch him as he darted between tables. If the entire place hadn't been roaring with laughter, he might not have found it so fun. At least I didn't have 2 toddlers running in opposite directions like I normally do.

I mentioned my husband was home sick. I thought he was just being a baby with a stomach virus. He wasn't. He begged me to take him to the hospital. He swore he was dying. He cried out in pain the entire way and was upset that I couldn't stay with him. It turns out he was having a gal bladder attack. He has fluid built up around it. There are no stones and in some cases it happens after a trauma and heavy pain meds. They shot him up with morphine and he was all good after that. I picked him back up about Midnight with a fist full of scripts. He has to see a specialist and may need surgery to remove it. He shoudl survive, contrary to his belief.

Both the county the kids came from and our county are meeting with us today. My fingers are crossed things go smoothly and quickly. The thought of them stresses me out.

Na Na Na Boo Boo

Patches is gone. Ella bawled. No one else said a word. She slept the entire way there which is not surprising since that is how she deals with stress. SHe hugged the toddlers and I then walked away.

The toddlers were horrible. H.O.R.R.I.B.L.E. I was mortified. The staff was very kind and understanding. It made it worse. My most stern voice only made them giggle. Yes, giggle. It became a damn game. "Na na na boo boo, you can't catch me." I'm not kidding. I wanted to crawl under the table with them and hide. I didn't. I crawled under there and threatened them. They got up in their stroller and buckled themselves in. Then they argued about who made mommy mad. Kiki said, "Oh, Peyton, you made mommy mean." Peyton, "No. You." Kiki, "No. You!" This continued until we left. In the middle of this visit, Kiera tooted and smelled up the tiny closed office. I thought she pooped becasue she said so. I ran her to the bathroom and she hadn't. SHe wanted to go on the potty and DID. Huge for her. So big she told every person she met on her way back to the tiny office that still smelled like death. Thank goodness she is as cute as a bug.

The CW called from the county the kids came from and will be out with this counties CW Thursday. This county is not sure how to open us as an adoption home and not a foster/adopt home. We can't be opened as a f/a home because we have too many kids. Their county seems a bit irritated. Oh well. Just getter done.

Ella will be on their school's news in the AM becasue she is the Star Student this week. SHe may crawl under the table herself. Being in the spotlight is not something she enjoys. SHe will misplace her voice, I'm sure.

I'm Not Dead

Things have slowed down here with 2 of my ragers out of the house. I can't believe how calm the kids are. I am constantly cooking too mch food or waiting on phantom children to come in from school. It's weird. I feel like half the kids are gone.

Patches will be admitted Monday to the place where Ruthie is. The place that Michael is doesn't have room for her until after her approval expires. I had no idea they would expire. Medicaid refuses to give them extra time to get her in. I received a call from her therapist late last night and she said to do a lateral move in a couple weeks to the place Michael is. SHe said it will piss them off but Patches really needs to be over there instead. I'm all about pissing people off.

The kids ahve been out of school all week. We live in a county that gives them a week off every other month and a short Summer. It may work out better for me becasue I have them in shorter stints. I can keep them entertained easier.

We have spent the week working on catching up on all our projects. They have been cooperative and well behaved. I'm telling you, it's a new world over here.

Kiera is getting Peyton into trouble. She is so darn smart. It cracks me up. She will point out the banana on the top shelf and tell him to get it. He does. She showed him how to open the door to the garage and they dumped a 5# bag of shredded cheese on the lawnmower. SHe is in panties and convinces him to strip down to wear a pair. He always has poop in his diaper and it ends up on the floor. SHe tried to bury him in the sandbox. He has learned how to open the gate and when I yell for him to get back in, he runs giggling, "You can't catch me" with Kiera by his side. They keep me busy.

Sawyer is settling in. He has such a big heart. He wants to protect me. It is so sweet. He loves everything I feed him. Everything.

Cyr scared the crap out of me yesterday. The girl has had a migraine for 3 days. I told her she needs to go to the doctor and started loking for one tht could see her. No luck. I ran to take Sawyer to the doctor and she called me screaming. SHe felt a knife going thrugh her head and and could barely speak from through the pain. SHe called an ambulance before I could return home. Of course, having the kids home all week and working on projects outside, the house was trashed. I had been piling laundry up all day as it came out of the dryer. I'm sure to most it would look like a lot but it was sheets and pillows so it looked puffier. The dishes hadn't been done from breakfast and the floor wasn't mopped from the night before. Most families don't need to mop daily. We do. We had also trapsing in clay from the yard. It looked bad. I hope they don't report us. It is usually decent. Never spotless. Let them come clean up after my little pigs for a day, they'd understand that just becasue it was clean in the AM doesn't mean it is decent at noon.

Kiera's Mother and her BF are here spending the night. I grabbed her sister and they are passed out on the sofa.

I've been thinking, I really need to get back on here. I've been slack. Really, I've been overwhelmed. I didn't even know how bad it was until it calmed. I have a plan to take better care of myself and my marriage. It's working. Part of that plan is to get back on here. Don't hold your breath or anything. Just look for more of the old me to pop back in.

I tracked down Sawyer, Anna, and Emma's father. I had to call him repeatedly to get him on the phone but I did. He was crappy with me and threatened, nicely, to regain his rights and custody of them. I calmly explained it wasn't possible but he shoudl get an attorney. I assured him, regardless of his efforts to do that, we wanted to remain in contact for the kids sake. He played the blame game and skirted all responsibility for the need for adoption. It was sad. I laid down our rules for sobriety only in the presence of the kids. I couldn't care less about what he does at home, just be present for them when he's here. We don;t want anything from him except for him to remain in contact with the kids. He seemed relieved. HE spoke briefly to the kids and got back on the phone with me. He was much more polite. He asked if he was really invited to their party or if the kids shouldn't have said anything. I repeated the date and times and offered for him to bring his 4 step children and new daughter. He was excited to hear it. We'll see if her shows.

I have therapy with Ruthie tomorrow and a brief visit after that. Both kids are calling crying when they call. It's hard to remain strong. I keep assuring my son, he will come home when he's ready. We are waiting on him. I'm careful how I address it with Ruthie. I do not make promises. I can't see her here safely. I can't see her not living with us. It's gonna take a lot to fix what she's done.

My Big Night Out

Our cable went out over the weekend while my DH and I were out ALONE. You read that right, we were alone. Unheard of moment in our lives but we managed to pull it off with the help of my dear sister, Kiki. Crazy woman volunteered to spend the night here with them. Back to the cable, they came out this evening to fix it. Woo Hoo! You have thought we planned to torture the kids with no food and water by the way they were acting. Even the mention of a book and we had multiple meltdowns.

We had a ball. We got a room, took a taxi to eat, sat at the bar and enjoyed a few caramel appletinis with my meal, stumbled to the taxi to head back to the hotel, giggled the entire way through the lobby as the clerk teased us about our evening's plans, made it to our room to eat the cheesecake we left the restaurant with, "snuggled", and passed out by just a few minutes after 9PM. The best night I've had in a decade, hands down.

I read about how other moms are sure to make time for their spouse and themselves. I have been jealous. No more! We made a pact, we are going to hug and kiss every day. Seems stupid to most people but I'm sure there are a few of you that have an idea of what I'm talking about. You wonder how we lost our intimacy? Try 1 to 3 kids in your room for the last year and a half. Try parenting kids that are constantly pushing buttons you had no idea you had. How about throw in 6 kids that cover their face when you do something as simple as kiss your spouse, acting like you just flashed a boob at him? I love him. He loves me. We just lost track of each other for a bit. The last thing I want at the end of the day is another person wanting something or needing to hang on me. I'm trying not to see our relationship like that. He is the one person in this house that I can have a reciprocal relationship with. Heck, he already changed out the shower head, mowed the yard, put in a pretty new ceiling fan in our living room, and several other little things that I've been begging for for months. Now if he would just remember to fill up the gas tank when he uses the van. I know, I'm dreaming again.

I took Michael and the Toddlers to the new RTC to admit Michael. He was fine. I was crushed but he just walked off. The therapist said some really fantastic things about me to the doctor in charge. Made me blush. I really think the world of both of or therapists. He made it clear I am the best mom he has ever worked with and that I get it.

Now that I have shared almost all my good news. I must share 1 more little piece. I'm warning you, if you are a RAD mom sitting there reading about other people's misery to make yourself feel better, you need to join us. I'm going to Orlando with Corey for her Mom's Retreat! That's right, I'm getting to go. I know you are sitting there with your head down about to cry. Don't. Come with us. They had such a good time last year and I sat here sobbing about how horribly isolated I am with all my little crazy kids. I can tell you from experience, that was not fun. Go check her out, besides putting this wonderful retreat together, she is an interesting, funny, supportive, gorgeous lady. You will love her.

Stress

The stress is building here. My poor husband is losing his mind. He is stressed by the never ending energy Sawyer has, that both vans are breaking down simultaneously, that we had 3 kids sleeping in our room last night, that someone smeared poop on the bathroom wall again, that it is taking so long to move the kids to the hospital, that I have court Thursday and will be spending money we do not have, the constant pain in his leg from the accident, but all of that fails to compare the worry he has about his Mother's health issues. He blamed me for all the kid stress today. He swears I love all the drama and stress they torture us with. He just can't wrap his mind around the fact that we are just handling things differently. He, like the kids, feel like I'm not doing enough to get them moved. It's crazy. It's not up to me when they leave. I signed everything, it's all up to someone else now. We have dates. We just have to wait. He worries it is too little too late. He worries things won't calm down.

Like I said, topping it all off is his Mother's health. She was dx'd with breast cancer more than 10 yrs ago. She has been fine up until a couple of months ago. She hurt her shoulder and had it xrays done. She has bone cancer. It is advanced. She is a fighter. One of the toughest people I know. I can't imagine a little thing like cancer getting her down for long.

She was his world growing up and long into adulthood. His protector and cheerleader. The only parent he had. He can't think past the 3 year life expectancy. All he thinks about is 3 more Christmases, 3 more Thanksgivings, and how his children will never appreciate all she has done for us, for them. He is beyond angry with the way Ruthie and her husband are treating her. He breaks down at the mere mention of her. He wants to be there for her but can't seem to cope with this himself.

I explained to him that all the blaming in the world won't make this better. If he moved out of our home, "the source of all his depression", the very things he is upset about would follow him. His mother's illness, the kids issues, the pain in his leg, lack of intimacy with his wife, his dying van, etc. He would add a huge financial drain called child support. I suggested he think about living in his mother's basement and dating. LOL That thought alone makes me laugh. Wait until he tells them how many kids he has. ROFLMAO He isn't going anywhere any time soon. He just needs to vent and crawl back out of this hole he has been in since July 2nd.

We have a night out ALONE scheduled for this weekend. Thanks to my fantastic sister who is looking forward to babysitting for us. She suggested to save money we pack a snack and just do it in the van. She cracks me up.

I got a call this morning that Ruthie has an appointment for intake at the RTC next Wednesday. Just a couple ours later, I got another call that Michael will be admitted Tuesday!. Just as we were about to hang up, she mentioned she hopes to have Patches admitted by the end of the week. I can hardly believe it's happening. I'm relieved and worried at the same time.

I'm off to take Cyr for a physical so she can try out for Cheer leading. I can't believe she is interested with all her black eyeliner and dark clothes but who am I to judge? Appropriate social interaction, I'm in. Next year she plans on joining the junior police program here. She would like top become an officer one day.

Someone has stepped out of our lives for no reason that I can tell. It couldn't have happened at a worse time. I'm disappointed and angry that she refuses to return my calls and be the support she promised. Of course, we all know that our children struggle to really feel that connection and being needed means they must push us away. I hope she and the kids are doing well. I hope she doesn't need me any time soon because I will be too busy having a great time with the kids who want to be in my family.