No Babies

I am thrilled to say I am not pregnant! I know it sounds weird but not only do I have my hands full, I do not have a desire to have children naturally. Years ago I did and we tried to conceive and did many times but ended up with ectopic pregnancies due to deformed tubes. I made myself sit down and really think about why I kept trying, the truth is I wanted a family. I wanted to get pregnant b/c my sisters and friends all did it. It just isn't what I really wanted, I wanted to adopt. Don't get me wrong, if we ended up pregnant I would bawl my eyes out and then be happy. Why put myself through all that, I'll just cut my DH off and never have to worry again. Sounds like a plan, I'll run it by him and we'll see what he says. LOL

Kids are ok. They are in high gear for Halloween and Dh is at Walmart right now picking up the final touches to their cemetery treat for school tomorrow. They had to try on all their costumes tonight to be sure they fit. I am gonna have so much candy I am going to freeze a lot of it for later.

D's IEP meeting is Thursday and I am feeling so much better about it. DH is such a great guy, he really could not care less if they ever grow up and leave or go to college as long as their attitude gets better and they are happy. He really is gearing up for more and this time he says a group of 5. He mentioned they should probably be bright b/c thy will have to help support this group after we die. Way to plan, Pook. LOL

An awful morning at the school

I had a meeting scheduled this AM for D's IEP and she fell yesterday and broke her front tooth so I had to schedule an emergency appointment with the dentist to fix it. The only time they could do it was right after the IEP meeting and it would be tight. SO I take her to the meeting b/c they do not want her attending school until it is fixed b/c it is very sharp and she could get hurt. Fine. I had her sit in the front office until I was finished. She freaks out when I leave her so it turned into a drama, but I was prepared and quite used to it.

What I wasn't prepared for was the meeting. They had postponed the meeting b/c they wanted to discuss her test results with me separately so I could absorb the info and be prepared to make some decisions next week. I have known D does not get alot of things, she more than struggles in school and has a hard time telling a story that anyone can follow. She had been tested at some point over a year ago and we were told she had an IQ of 74. We knew she was having a hard time so that made sense. I found out this morning she only has a 60 IQ. The doctor felt confident this was accurate and explained it is hard to properly test a child under 7 yrs old.

I am devastated. It doesn't change a thing about how I feel for her but it changes my dreams for her. ALl I keep thinking about is one of my first foster daughters and she had a 70 IQ and now as a woman she is married to another challenged person and they have a child together. They both are hard workers and can not support themselves on their pay so they live with his parents in a basement apt. She struggles to parent properly and while she is a great mother, she needs assistance.

This doctor refered to my child as "trainable" and admitted it is hard to tell what she can and can't accomplish at almost 8 yrs old butin her experience she will need assistance for the long haul. One child with this issue is one thing, but I have 3 more that I feel are on the same level as this child. I am scared about their future. They have so many emotional problems to overcome and now this too. I know I am only in the first hours of the diagnosis and I will find a way to get over it but I keep fighting back tears and running to bathroom to hide them from the kids.

Next week we decide what services she needs. They really think she needs a contained classroom and that she will thrive in there. She currently does not have any friends and feels very out of place with children her age. I think they may be right. I have a lot of researching to do now.

She did, however, get her tooth fixed and you would never know she had damaged it. I did take a picture of it this morning before we went to have it fixed. She is such a beautiful child, it was so out of place you had to laugh.

I Better Not Be

First, I will start off with an apology. I have so little free time to blog that I do it in spurts. I really want a more regular posting but just can't seem to get it. I love to read other's blogs and get irritated that they do it so rarely or when they miss a day and they are regular posters. Of course not really mad at them but more bummed to miss something interesting in their lives. I know very sad I am living vicariously through blogs of people I do not know. Any how, if anyone else feels that way I am sorry to have treated you this way and I will make more of an effort. There done and on to more exciting news.

Next, I book our villa in Orlando and we are leaving Saturday Nov 18th and returning Sat Nov 25th. It is paid in full so I can now focus on Disney tickets. We are staying in a 6 bedroom villa with a pool, games room, computer with high speed internet, ton's of games, and kid's apartment that includes a Playstation. WOOHOO!! They know NOTHING! My sister, her kids, her boyfriend, and my inlaws will all be there in town and we will celebrate the holiday together.

We had a rough weekend here, I try not to go into details but I will give you a glimpse of this one.... My son had several meltdowns that include screaming horrible things at me and his sisters. He usually kicks me in the shin and runs to his room so he can tear up some of his things or kick the door. He yelled one too many times that he hated me and did not want to be my son or live here anymore. I calmly apologized for being inadequate and escorted him to the front porch. I told him I loved him and he was always welcome here if he chose to do his part for the family and not scream specific horrible things at me. I fully understand he will be screaming some horrible things I just don't want to hear he hates me and basically wishes I would drop dead. I was very worried he would call my bluff but at 6 yrs old he just sat in the yard and cried. I packed a small bag with a change of clothes and a pull up so he would wet his clothes and gave him his bookbag b/c continuing his education is very important. I told him to hurry and get a job b/c food is expense and he will need it soon. I reassured him I wanted him and loved him if he ever decided to play by my rules he was welcome. I told him to hurry up and find somewhere b/c it was going to start raining and get very cold when the sun went down. It took him awhile of being alone in the yard with DH watching from the window to decide I wasn't so bad. He broke down and said he was sorry so I welcomed him home. Later I told him he was driving me crazy and he responded, "That's my plan." I about lost it.

My 7 yr old, D, needs constant supervision and Saturday night in the shower she touched one of the twins, C, and claimed she was playing Mommy and washed her privates. She knew what she was doing and we were right there when she did it. I am still amazed at her that she does this right there for all to see. She will not shower with anyone again. I know, she probably should not have been in there but Dh was right there and we have so many showers to get done or they stink. C was not traumatized and really thought they were playing so we discussed games are not a reason to touch privates, blah, blah, blah. In one ear and out the other with that child. D wonders why no one wants to play with her? The therapist is focusing on that issue now trying to show her her behaviors make others uncomfortable. DUH!

Lastly, I am concerned I may be in the first stage of a horrible (only to me) condition.....pregnancy. I do not want to be and I have not confirmed anything as it is too early. I have not felt well and actually threw up this morning. I am probably over reacting and just suffering from stress. All I can say is I do not think I can handle a baby in this current situation. I have a history of ectopic pregnancies and that can be easy or very hard to treat. I have had both many times, you would think I would take precautions, huh. There just has not been a need to and then I throw up. Keep your fingers crossed that I have a virus and too mush stress.

The Visits

Their caseworker was over an hour late (surprise, surprise) and showed up at shower/bed time. The kids were very clingy and when told the story of ending visits and pending adoption we saw lots of tears. I was surprised by who cried, the ones that did not when we shared it with them. I wonder if they do not trust us or if they feel it is more real coming from her. Probably a little of both.

We had their family visit 2 days after that and the parents were a few minutes late. Mom was dressed like a hooker and Dad and Uncle smoked a little stuff before heading in to the visit. The maternal Gparents and GGpa came along with maternal uncle and aunt. GGpa was a trip and made hilarious comments about needed an new woman b/c his died 4 yrs ago. My Dh was laughing so hard I was almost uncomfortable, then I found out what the old man was saying and I was quite shocked. He could barley walk and spoke in a whisper, you just wouldn't suspect he was a dirty old man. He was the highlight of the evening.

Their aunt made sure to tell all of them that they were loved and we would take very good care of them. The family brought the kids some of their favorite foods and they munched down. We took a few pictures and then it was goodbye. The older girls and my son broke down when the parents did. We had to pry our son and D from their arms. I felt bad for the parents but they could have made it so much easier if they would have let go.

Once in the car they were a mess. We let them cry for a dew and then pulled over for gas. A few had to potty before the 2.5 hour drive home. All tears stopped when Dh gave them a dollar to buy anything they wanted. They laughed and giggled the rest of the way.

They went to therapy the next morning and did very well. All the kids spoke of their feelings and seem to understand what is happening. My oldest, B, is doing so much better than we had thought she would. We have been working with recognizing their feelings when they are having them and she wrote down about 25 feelings, thoughts,and needs without being asked. She brought them to me the other night and we talked about each one. She rocks! She is mad at her parents and the Judge. She need to cry and have snuggle time. She thanked me for keeping the kids together and being supportive of her parents. She feels like she had something to do with being in care and she is really worried her parents will split up now. She is also happy she will be adopted by us. We laughed at the being adopted one b/c it changes everyday and that's alright. She agreed to keeping a diary about her feelings if the kids wouldn't rip out the pages. LOL

My other daughter, Em, hit a major milestone last night. She can read!!! She was as surprised as I was. She sounded everything out and read a whole book. I am so proud. We now have 3 readers in our house! If this keeps up Dh and I will have to stop spelling everything to each other and learn piglatin.

Overall, things are good here. The kids are getting comfortable with us and our home. We are having a tough time this week with emotions so high about their family but it is much better than I ever expected. I love my kids, now to find a bigger house.

The Caseworker is coming!

I am referring to the kids county worker and this will be her first visit here in our home. I must admit I am a bit ruffled. I worry I will say the wrong thing, I have a habit of saying too much and regretting it later. She claims she will be here between 6 and 6:30 but she has a meeting in her office at 3PM so I doubt we will see her before 7PM due to traffic. I have not told the kids and I plan on it this afternoon when they get home, no sense in freaking them out and sending them to school. The house is so-so and I figure she will get over it if it isn't perfect. I haven't been able to get it clean enough for my taste in months I refuse to kill myself now.

The final visit with their parents is this Thursday and I am VERY worried about their father misbehaving. The older girls last foster mother called to tell me he had asked to borrow her car to get the kids and she refused. She warned me they had followed her home one time to see where she lived and she was certain they would try to find us based on recent conversations. They have asked the kids where they went to school, what my dh's company's name is, what city we were in, and have tried to look up our phone number. The kids have told me their parents have assured them they will move to a place where there is lots of snow of they get them back. The CW asked my dh to stay in the office for this visit b/c they are concerned this man will freak out and she is the only person in the office that late. I am more than a little irritated about that one.

Kids are escalated a little this week with good reason. My son had a fit for hours the minute he came home from school and threw his book bag and shoes at me. They are mine for 24 hours and he had to wear sandals and carry his snack to school. Too bad, anything used as a weapon is mine. My little reader is doing great and is inspiring her sisters to try. C is using her CP as an excuse to not do her share of cleaning up. New rule, if you refuse to help everyone else, you will do all the chores that day. It has escalated to a harsh reality b/c she hides in the bathroom and under the table until the chore is almost done.

We are hoping to take the kids to Orlando for Thanksgiving as a surprise. Once I get approval I will reserve the house and buy the tickets. We plan on packing everything on the sly and waking them up in the middle of the night to put them in the car. We won't tell them exactly where we are going until we are there. We figure they will have some anxiety due to their history so we will play a guessing game or something and be sure they understand it is a fun place for all of us. We will keep the schedule very relaxed and flexible to accommodate any issues that arise. I am so excited!!!!

Picture Day

I have no idea how my son will look when they get a chance to take his picture at school today. He had his hair fixed this morning and he got mad at me and messed it up. He does this everytime he is upset with me and it can be for the tiniest thing. I reminded him I loved him with messy hair, too. As we were walking out the door to catch the bus he decided he needed it fixed so let's hope his class is first because he is so cute with his new haircut. He has that one that you gel the hair to the middle kinda like a mohawk but much more mainstream and sweet looking. He kept bugging me to do it and pointed out all the boys we would see with it until I cut it last week.

The girls were up extra early and all had to have me fix their hair, too. They had a hard tiem deciding what to wear last night and reminded me 20 times they needed money for it this Am even thought i had already put it in their book bags.

Every night when I tuck my son into bed he tells me he wants to live with his Mom and Dad. We talk about it briefly and I ask him what he liked about living with them or other good memories. We kiss each other "100" times,then one kiss from me and one from his Mother and goodnight. The night before last he told me he had cried at school that day. I asked him why and he explained he wanted to live with me. I tickled him and said, "Good thing cause we are stuck with each other." This was huge for him.