Saturday, June 24, 2006

The kids had a visit witht their family at the visitation center Wednesday. I drove them the 2 hours there and took my DD to dinner while they visited. The ride home was hell! Their mother told them she would bring them the rest of their things next time and asked me if I was going to change their names in front of them. They all cried, no screamed all the way home. I had to pull over several times to try to calm them. It took us almost 4 hours to get home. I refuse to take them to hte goodbye visit alone, Dh will have to take off work. It was another day of hell Thursday but seemed to calm down Friday. Only to take back off this morning.

This morning I slept in b/c the kids did. The eldest (10) came in and told me our son had slipped into our 7 yr olds bed. (I must confess the alarms are on the doors but are set for a chime instead of buzz and he must not have closed the door all the way one of the many times he gets up to use the bathroom.) I started into their room and she came running back and pushed me into my room to tell me he had been humping her (the 7 yr old) earlier that AM. I kept my cool and asked all the kids to go to their room and asked them separately what they saw or did. I never accused or seemed angry and assured them I would not yell and they would not have to leave (the eldest asked over and over).

What I can figure out is he crawled into her bed and they moved to the 8 yr old's bed and I think the 8 yr old took off the 6 yr old's pull up and they 7 and 6 yr old fondled and humped each other. The 8 yr old tried to push them off her bed and never said a word to them. She later tried to get off the bed but one of the kids held her foot and asked her not to tell. Another point is all 3 of them are delayed and have RAD.

Luckily, all 3 of the 4 yr olds slept very late in a separate room and never knew anything happened. This is lucky b/c they slept about 3 hours past the usual wake up time. After breakfast we sat all the kids down and without pointing any fingers or saying names we explained one of our children had touched another child's private parts in the early morning and thay the alarms are being set to buzz and new rules were being imposed. The DD I have had since she was a baby said the 6 yr old must have done it b/c he keeps touching her private parts. My heart sank I had to swallow hard and I saw my DH sit up straight. The 6 yr old tried to deny it at first and she was very firm, "Yes, you do and I keep telling you to knock it off!" He became silent. I did not allow her to go into the details in front of the kids but did say she was right we do not allow ANYONE to touch our private parts. She asked me in private if she did it right and I told her how proud I was and if it ever happened in the future she should tell me right away. She does not seem tramatized at all but irritated by it. He never touched her skin but did try to touch her panties.

Some of the new rules are
1. All bedrooms are locked during the day unless I open them for a specific reason.
2. When playing hide and seek, every kid must hide alone.
3. Doors are set to buzz and I must see them reenter their room at night.
4. At shower time, the dressing and undressing must be done in bathroom with door shut the entire time. (up until now, we keep our son in another room and the girls come out in a towel and leave the bathroom door open b/c they are scared NO MORE) I will stand in there if they need me to but the door is closed.
5. They must play in a public room at least 3 at a time or with me present. (sometimes I just can't be with all of them so if they are in the living room with several children I think that should do while I am using the restroom or something)
6. I am putting baby monitors or a speaker system in their rooms and play area. (DH is looking for one right now)

Did I under react? I am trying not to freak out b/c I don't think it would help them feel like they can tell me future incidents. I think I expressed how serious this is without flipping out. I am committed to these kids, realized how comitted when my daughter said he had touched her and I was not mad at him but felt bad for him. He is my son and she is my dauhgter, I love them both. I have to protect ALL the kids. I want to make sure I have looked at all the angles and have covered them so it does not happen again, I know I can not be everywhere all the time, but I must do better.


Linda said...

I think that you did GREAT! My hat is off to you for keeping your cool! I also think that you have some great ideas for preventing further problems!

Good luck to you! Hopefully this is part of the acting out that happens when kids in foster care go through transitions ... hopefully with your preventative measures and some emotional security, this will quickly pass!

Guppy said...

I think you did great.
I have my fingers crossed for you.