This is not going to be pretty so leave now if you are offended by foul language.

I am so fucking pissed off at DFCS for not getting their shit together I may explode by Wednesday. They did not have a meeting that I know of and if they did they did not let anyone know what was decided. I am working with complete morons and I want to fire them all. Problem is I do not have that authority.

They are fucking my family up even more, if that's possible. Not to mention their other foster siblings and parents. My kids cry about coming here and cry when we tell them they can't stay. Why can't I win the lottery and support them w/o the need for a stipend. I am generally a decent person, when do I get a break? I have been nice enough for long enough. I will not continue to do this, get it done or cancel this. They will go home Tuesday night and I will get them again on Friday, they had better figure something out by then b/c I am not bringing them back to the foster parents. They are done with this as well. One of them has a 9 month old baby she needs to pick up and can't until mine are moved out.

On our way home today from pick up, the 8 yr old drove everyone in the van crazy forthe last hour. As we pulled in our neighborhood I pulled over and had her get out. She had to walk, with me behind her, home.

When we arrived here, they proceeded to trash my house. Toys everywhere. I put most of the toys in the garage but the ones left they spread throughout the house. I screamed for the fist time for them. They had to all sit in time out until I calmed down. They had water all over the place upstairs in the computer area, hubby was in the next room but never looked. Gotta love him. I had them all clean up and put every toy in the play room and they must have permission to play with anything. I am done fussing over toys.

I did have a moment with my 8 yr old during this mess. I addresses my tantrumers and explained if they felt the need to throw a fit and not clean up, go for it, they would clean it up alone. SHe got smart mouthed and acted like she did not know what I was talking about. I showed her a tantrum! The kids were shocked. I asked them if I looked crazy b/c that's what they looked like when they did it. She got up and cleaned up and even did it so well she was the first done. Later she asked if that was really how she looked.

So I took my son to the doctor b/c he was complaining his ear hurt. Turns out his ear drum ruptured from a middle ear infection. His other ear is severely scarred from previous infections. Poor thing, he was really in pain and barely talked about it.

As we left the office he decided to let out some aggression and refused to get in the van and then to put on a seat belt and then started kicking the seat infront of him. I had to remove him and wait for him to get it together. It took 45 minutes of attention getting behaviors for him be able to sit in the van. He pinched me repeatedly along with kicking, screaming, ramming his head into me, pealing his nail until it bled, oh did I mention he was screaming like I was torturing him? Because we have a disabled parking sticker we park up front by the door, you know the door where EVERYONE comes in and out of and stared at us. I was really proud of myself b/c I maintained my cool and did not have to sing. I really did not mind. Most of the others were great during his meltdown and actually surprised me by cleaning out the van while we waited. One child, my 7 yr old, screamed and pulled out a pretty good bit of hair while this happened. We stopped and grabbed subs afterwards as a treat for behaving during a difficult time. The other 2 had leftover dinner from last night. Still good, but not a treat.

The kids had a visit witht their family at the visitation center Wednesday. I drove them the 2 hours there and took my DD to dinner while they visited. The ride home was hell! Their mother told them she would bring them the rest of their things next time and asked me if I was going to change their names in front of them. They all cried, no screamed all the way home. I had to pull over several times to try to calm them. It took us almost 4 hours to get home. I refuse to take them to hte goodbye visit alone, Dh will have to take off work. It was another day of hell Thursday but seemed to calm down Friday. Only to take back off this morning.

This morning I slept in b/c the kids did. The eldest (10) came in and told me our son had slipped into our 7 yr olds bed. (I must confess the alarms are on the doors but are set for a chime instead of buzz and he must not have closed the door all the way one of the many times he gets up to use the bathroom.) I started into their room and she came running back and pushed me into my room to tell me he had been humping her (the 7 yr old) earlier that AM. I kept my cool and asked all the kids to go to their room and asked them separately what they saw or did. I never accused or seemed angry and assured them I would not yell and they would not have to leave (the eldest asked over and over).

What I can figure out is he crawled into her bed and they moved to the 8 yr old's bed and I think the 8 yr old took off the 6 yr old's pull up and they 7 and 6 yr old fondled and humped each other. The 8 yr old tried to push them off her bed and never said a word to them. She later tried to get off the bed but one of the kids held her foot and asked her not to tell. Another point is all 3 of them are delayed and have RAD.

Luckily, all 3 of the 4 yr olds slept very late in a separate room and never knew anything happened. This is lucky b/c they slept about 3 hours past the usual wake up time. After breakfast we sat all the kids down and without pointing any fingers or saying names we explained one of our children had touched another child's private parts in the early morning and thay the alarms are being set to buzz and new rules were being imposed. The DD I have had since she was a baby said the 6 yr old must have done it b/c he keeps touching her private parts. My heart sank I had to swallow hard and I saw my DH sit up straight. The 6 yr old tried to deny it at first and she was very firm, "Yes, you do and I keep telling you to knock it off!" He became silent. I did not allow her to go into the details in front of the kids but did say she was right we do not allow ANYONE to touch our private parts. She asked me in private if she did it right and I told her how proud I was and if it ever happened in the future she should tell me right away. She does not seem tramatized at all but irritated by it. He never touched her skin but did try to touch her panties.

Some of the new rules are
1. All bedrooms are locked during the day unless I open them for a specific reason.
2. When playing hide and seek, every kid must hide alone.
3. Doors are set to buzz and I must see them reenter their room at night.
4. At shower time, the dressing and undressing must be done in bathroom with door shut the entire time. (up until now, we keep our son in another room and the girls come out in a towel and leave the bathroom door open b/c they are scared NO MORE) I will stand in there if they need me to but the door is closed.
5. They must play in a public room at least 3 at a time or with me present. (sometimes I just can't be with all of them so if they are in the living room with several children I think that should do while I am using the restroom or something)
6. I am putting baby monitors or a speaker system in their rooms and play area. (DH is looking for one right now)

Did I under react? I am trying not to freak out b/c I don't think it would help them feel like they can tell me future incidents. I think I expressed how serious this is without flipping out. I am committed to these kids, realized how comitted when my daughter said he had touched her and I was not mad at him but felt bad for him. He is my son and she is my dauhgter, I love them both. I have to protect ALL the kids. I want to make sure I have looked at all the angles and have covered them so it does not happen again, I know I can not be everywhere all the time, but I must do better.

Very sad thing happened today, my 8 yr old was told to throw a box she destroyed during a meltdown yesterday away. She took the usual half an hour to comply and meanwhile the other children and I had moved on with life. We were all in my room talking and playing on the computer when I heard her crying. This is not unusual so I did not jump up to her rescue, I assumed she was still mad about having to clean up after herself. She started screaming and I did not recognize the sound so I ran down to her, thinking she was hurt. Turns out she didn't see me around the first floor and though I had left her behind. She actually sobbed in my lap until she fell asleep clinging to me. I felt horrible. I know I didn't do anything wrong but I was surprised she became so upset. She has not left my side, literally, the rest of the day. My husband took the other girls with him to get a part for his truck and ice cream and she refused to leave me behind. As I am typing this she is about 2 feet away in my bed watching news instead of playing. I wonder what happened in her past that has her so upset. I would love to get feedback if anyone has any ideas, she won't talk to me about it at all.

Found out that DFCS is stopping all of the family visits for the kids and are doing so at the end of the month. They still have not told the family or the kids or my worker for that matter, just hte foster parents. The timing is crappy, it makes it look like we are stoping the visits. I am more than upset but at the same time a tiny part of me is relieved I won't have to make that drive every other week. I understand why they ar stopping the visits, TPR was granted but they told us they would continue them until hte appeal was over. I wonder if they are trying to show the parents they need to agree to drop the appeal or else. I wish it wasn't at my expense. The kids will have some contact after the adoption, so why play games with this now. Crazy fools.

The weekend was eventful. Our son had a really hard time and I have had to enforce the "Not outta my sight" rule for him. He hits with regularity any time he feels like it and lies to my face after he had been caught. I found many broken toys and DVDs throughout the house that I am sure he hid. He screamed lovely things at me when he was angry and informed his foster mother upon his return that he was never going to that place again.

Our 8 yr old refused to cooperate and ended up chosing to stay in her room and scream for 2 hours rather than pick up a few items of clothing. She had several meltdowns this weekend and they seem to be escalating. I am called wonderful names and she spits, screams, throws things, makes herself throw up, kicks, and hits. An all around good time for all. The good thing is she screams I am hurting her (I am definitley not)and the other kids would come running. Sunday they just kept going about their business and the eldest even told her to "knock it off, she ain't hurting you" during a bad one. She has to clean up her mess after a fit and does it easily.

These kids will eat anything and they never stop amazing me at mealtime. Most of them love the new chores I have given them. I have paired them up to do the hard ones and they are fighting over who gets to do it. I know, that won't last but I can dream can't I?

Father's Day has come and gone and my husband was the laziest person alive (if that's what you call alive). He stayed in bed for breakfast, served by the kids, and refused to get up until 1:30 PM. Then he just came down and sat in his chair until dark! He barely moved and I am not sure he ever got up to use the bathroom. Talk about milking it. He would ask the kids to get his lunch and drinks b/c it was Father's Day. They loved it and waited on him hand and foot. We do not usually let them do thse things for us for obious reasons so they got a kick out of it.

One of the twins threw a huge fit in the store and actually had to be carried out. This stupid woman actually interupted our meltdown to ask if the child had braces on her feet b/c she did as a child, too. WTF? I was pissed! How rude. I responded to her that it was so kind of her to point out my child's disability at a time when she needed to be reassured she was loved. I have noticed how rude people are to me in public. I get snide remarks under their breath and they tell my kids how to behave and such. I told a woman at the doctor's office who insisted on correcting my kids, "Thank you for parenting my children." For the most part, they are good in public, I am trying to figure out my limits.

The same child struggled at home later and most of the weeeknd. Her standard response was "NO!" regardless what the question was. She is probably the most healthly emotionally of the children. She was pretty clingy when she did calm down and the last day was an angel.

My son runs to the defense of any of his siblings and is qick to yell at the one in charge of hurting them. While my 7 yr old cries and threatens to throw stuff at me when I had to hold the twin in a safe position during a fit she was having. My son and this 7 yr old later plucked the letters off my laptop and lost them.

My 8 yr old was held during a fit last weekend to protect her from herself. This weekend, while I was holding the 7yr old during lunch b/c she lunged at me screaming, "You don't love me!!!" in a voice that came from deep within her, was happy to explain to the others, "Mommy does love her and she is just keeping her safe. Don't worry she is a good Mommy and she knows how to keep us safe and she is not hurting her." (Everything I have said to her while I had to keep her from hitting herself and destoying her things.) I only found out later from my husband and was amazed at how she applied our momments together last week to her sister.

There is point when you begin to feel like your new children are yours. I did not think it would be this soon but I am starting to feel this way. It is an amazing feeling. They are very active and angry kids. They are needy and clingy. They are becoming mine.

Turns out there is a freeze on per diems in several counties here. This county places all kids, regardless of their needs, on the basic level. They do not even go through the process of assessing the children and putting them on a level. With this being said, my agency informed me the hold up is being dealt with and the Office of Adoptions is giving htem a waiver to lift the freeze in this case. The children will be assessed and placed on the appropriate level. Yeah!!!! Of course it is taking some time but it will be done.

I will pick up the children tomorrow but we are not sure when the actual move in date will be. I think we have all agreed it is better fot the older girls to do it first. They have stopped all therapy sessions and they need it the most. Their foster family planned a vacation the week they were supposed to leave so they have to be out by June 18th. It will probably happen by then without a huge issue.

Another huge thing happening is we have decided to move! Not your usual look for a house and move. We bought this house last summer anticipating a multicultural family, turns out our kids are white and use the "N" word in casual conversations. (We do not and have never so it is quite shocking) They will be attending a school that is only 14% white, this is obviously an issue. My husband mentioned this issue to a man he has done side work for for awhile, his response was, "I have a great home for you!". Turns out he is buyng the house accross the street from his old house and planned on leaving the old one vacant for friends and family when they visit.

We went to look at it and were shocked! First of all the house accross the street is an ESTATE! Really he paid almost $5 million for it. The house on the other side of our new home is listed for $3 million. Our home is no where near that much but probably in the $1 -1.3 million range. It is a traditional looking home like something I have seen in older CT homes. It sits on Lake Lanier and has a beautiful view. The general living space is at least 3 times the size of what we have now, probably 4 times. It includes 5 bedrooms and 4 baths, huge country eat in kitchen, screened in room, deck that runs from one side to the other, very large dining room (I will never find a table to fit in it), gorgeous built ins in the office, a full finished basement, and a tennis court. I am not kidding! The floors, I forgot the floors, unbelievable antique looking slat wood floors. This house was built to look very old, it even has a fireplace in the kitchen. I can't believe we are going to live in such an incredible home.

He has offered this to us for a couple of reasons, the first one is everyone in the area only visits their homes and no one actually lives in their homes so his children have no playmates. The other is he makes a ton of money off my husband and it insures my husbands loyalty to his jobs over others. He claims my husband saved him $80,000 last year and he will save at least that much this year. Of course it helps that he is a millionare many times over and does not need the income from the home. He promised not to sell it for at least 5 years and will put that in writing. He keeps trying to convince me to run one of his businesses and this will give him the opportunity to push the issue next year when all of the kids are in school fulltime. (I'll be ready then so the answer will be "YES")

Did I mention he is charging us what we currently pay on our mortgage as the rent? The utilites are about the same but the gas has already been paid for the year so it will be cheaper this year. It is hard to believe this is happening to us!

Ok, now I am pissed off! The foster mom of the younger ones called today to tell me DFCS had finally called her and said the kids would not be moving TOMORROW. She already knew this from me but the fact they waited until the day before is so rude. They also told her the reason is we and our agency are trying to get more money from them and the placement may not happen because of it. WHAT THE HELL? The foster mom is the one that informed me the kids were not on the correct level and she had tried numerous times to get them to reevaluate them and put them on the correct level so the per diem would increase.

I called my agency, who is fantastic about everything, my worker was out and I was put through to her supervisor. She listened and then explained that while this had a ring of truth to it it was not the real picture. DFCS has asked my agency to step out of the picture so they would not have to pay the fees and increase the per diem. My agency said this is unethical and refused. DFCS threatened to not follow through with the placement and my agency went to the state Office of Adoptions. We are waiting for their decision tomorrow. She assured me they would not stand in the way of placing 6 children and felt it was another tactic to get us to leave them and do this directly with DFCS.

DFCS has out right lied to us about these kids needs and history. This is all about the money for DFCS. Yes, the county is poor and I understand this may be a strain on them to pay the correct amount. No, we would not refuse the kids if they couldn't pay the full amount. The kids deserve the full amount and without it it will be tough, I may have to find a part time job because of this crap. Our kids are all on the basic level right now. Keep in mind the curent diagnosis for the kids are as follows: 4 have Reactive Attachment Disorder, 3 are borderline MR, the other 3 have learning disorders and need extra tutoring, 1 has ODD, 1 has CP, and 5 have severe speech disorders (2 of them I can't understand). Does this sound like they are on the basic level of care? Hell no! We want them, we adore them, we can't imagine life without them. Now our hearts are being held hostage. They can keep the money just give me my kids!

Another weekend under our belt and hopefully the last visit. Our worker let me know there seems to be an issue with DFCS getting assessments done on each child prior to placement. They did not do one on any of them and now they want to hold up placement. The state office is involved and have offered a waiver so they can go ahead and move in and then do the assessments. I hope they get it together, I can't keep up these long drives a couple of times a week.

It seems as if the kids are getting more comfy with us. P had a meltdown and I had to sit with her. Our son broke and threw away all the toys he got for his bday Saturday. D and A cried about everything (another child stuck out their tongue and the other acted as if she was beaten). Tons of inappropriate hugging with my extended family. The oldest puts herself on a completely different level than the other kids and constantly tells me what to do about or with the kids. C took of her leg braces too many time to count (she has to wear them 18 hours). Overall a good weekend, we are happy to see the behaviors and get going on dealing with them.

I noticed a couple of things about them, they cry for every little boo boo but no tears if they have blood or are seriously hurt. Many of them do not know how to "play". They seen to copy my DD and her reactions but are not doing things for themselves. I don't know how else to explain it. It is kinda strange to watch. The other thing is none of them say please, thank you, your welcome, sorry, or excuse me. You don't notice it until it is not there. They will say it after I remind them but NEVER on their own.

Yesterday I found out the kids were running fevers and throwing up, today I woke up with a fever. Damn those kids! Just kidding. I guess we passed something around while they were here.

We have worked out visitation for the next month with both foster moms. I will be picking them up every Friday at 11AM and returning them every Monday at 6PM. I think we may have to adjust the Monday time b/c of traffic. I do not want another 2-4 hours extra.

I spent the entire day at Good Year geting my water pump replaced. I was not a happy camper b/c I was running a fever the whole time. There was nothing to go do while this was being done so DD and I waited. She was so good. She tried so hard to entertain herself.

My husband is going right now to pick up our new kitchen table. I sold our old one while he was out of town for work and had a man make us a 7 foot picnic style table. He does a beautiful job and designed it to fit perfectly in our kitchen. I thought we could fit more rear ends in a bench seat than we could fit chairs. I even took the kids to the park and had them all sit on a 6 foot bench to be sure it would be comfortable. DH thinks I am crazy. We had a 12 foot picnic table as a kid and loved it. We'll see.