Thursday, December 21, 2006

You knew it was coming...

The after math of the "memory". It is here in full force but not from the child I expected. P has the memory and I fully expected her to rage, tantrum, smart mouth, or something. Nothing but lots of growth. She is talking about how she feels (w/o discussing the details of the incident) and she is respectful, thoughtful, and caring about her siblings and me. She continues to amaze me.

My son on the other hand does know that she has had a memory resurface about his parents doing something abusive to him but he has not been told any details or hints as to what that would be. For all he knows it was about how his parents spanked them too hard. He usually falls right to sleep and gets up several times but that has changed abruptly and he can't go to sleep. He is afraid of something and can't quite figure out what it is. He says that his mother used to wake him up and scare him but she was not mean to him so now he can't go to sleep. I think he is on the verge of remembering or perhaps he already does know and isn't telling us yet. He has had severe rages even for him and today made the top of the list and it was in Walmart. My other children were so upset b/c we went to the one near our home (I had been traveling a little to avoid this issue but since I felt we had done well lately I miscalculated the situation) and a couple of classmates watched me restrain him in the cosmetics isle. He screamed how mean I was, he hates me, I wasn't his mother, and on and on and on. After and hour or more I had to get my food and go so he had to be carried in a tight hold all through the check out line. He had kicked off his shoes and socks and looked homeless and very angry about it. The sweetest lady behind us was cooing to her baby and I wanted to cry. I missed that with him and that is why he is hurting so bad. I was sweating from holding a 40# boy for so long and she approached me to tell me I was a very good mom. She was impressed with my patience and ability to manage all 7 kids and wished she could take the stress from em for just a minute and let me know that. She made the horrible day a little better. I can do this, he is my son and he needs me to be strong. I felt like I was getting very frazzled but I guess ordering the other kids to pick up the slack for a minute looked well organized. Go figure.

He has to make this up to them and as I type he is cleaning like a trooper. He "loves" me again and willing to do anything I ask. The girls are at the movie with Dad and they are going to dinner after. He will be busy with all their chores all night and by my side snuggling after that. He is the best snuggler when he wants to be. So sad it's always on his terms unless I force snuggle time and get him giggling first then I have the control.

Another cool thing happened right after that meltdown at Walmart. We get in the van and of course he is still hollaring nasty things at me, picking at himself, and being just rude the entire way home. I have had enough by the time we were home and I checked the mail box for a moment to myself and I got a Christmas card from Jensboys. I was so taken back I burst into tears (ok the card was great but not tear worthy) she sent a picture of all her kids and a wonderful newsletter about her year. It made my entire day. Thank you, Jen, you continue to amaze me with your strength and shear willingness to put yourself out there for others. Your family is beautiful and inspiring. You had no way of knowing how badly I would need a pick me up at that moment but you had the best timing.

We are still moving and I am desperate to really start house hunting but my DH is freaking out about the church idea. Kids are loving it but he insists he could never be intimate again. I am thinking that's great, too, no more excuses. LOL

C's IEP was just located and she will start Pre K in a contained classroom in the public system 2 days a week in January. A little bus will come and get her and bring her home. She thinks that is so cool. She has not thought about the fact my leg won't be there for her to attach herself to. She will figure that out soon enough, for now we are getting her pumped up for "real" school. Her twin, A, is just starting the process of evaluations to qualify her for it and her needs are not physical so they will not be in the same class. The really bad thing is our home school does not offer Pre K or contained classrooms so I could potentially end up with 4 different elementary schools since D may have to change schools for a better suited program, too.

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