Thursday, June 07, 2012
The Waiting Game
Why is she still mad at me when I gave her what she asked for? I can not win. She refuses to be happy. She refuses to believe I have her best interest at heart. She refuses to accept me as her mother. She refuses to accept her birth siblings as family so I know it isn't me. All of my other children, issues or not, know I will love them and protect them no matter my personal cost. She "loves her school psychologist" and says she is the only safe person except my hubby. I show her more kindness, patience, and understanding than both combined. I am still shit. I wish I could count the days until she is in RTC but we still don't have a date. My girls need a break from her constant chaos. I doubt they will miss her and then I will have to convince them to try again when she is released. I think I need to consider having a stiff drink.
Sunday, June 03, 2012
Happy Birthday, Son!
Today my son turned 12. I remember sharing his 6th birthday with him shortly after he became a part of my family. The difference in him is nothing short of amazing yet he still isn't safe enough to live at home with us. We went up to the RTC to visit him today. We brought cupcakes and wrestler figurines for him. We stayed an hour and left. He is always sweet but couldn't care less when we leave. He says bye but never looks back. He is more interested in the things we bring.
The RN I signed him out with praised me for being such an amazing and accepting mom. I didn't know what to say since I haven't seen her before. I had no idea what she was talking about. She clarified when she saw how confused I was. She told me we have spoken on the phone many times. She is the one that calls after my son has been injured or had a violent episode. Remembering some of our brief conversations, I smiled. She went on to explain that most families are defensive and nasty to her, some even blame the RTC for the events. She said it is so nice to call and be thanked for trying so hard. She said my son has spoken many times about how I love him no matter what choices he makes and I am the only one that can really keep him safe. She said he told her he knows he can't love right but he has the right mom bc I love him him enough for both of us. I almost cried. He does hear me. It is so hard to tell sometimes but now I know.
We had some big emotions around here after the visit. I had stepped out to get TP and had to come running back to help the hubby. I got the kiddo to take her night meds and do some breathing w me. She regained control after a bit and the day is winding down.
I can hear 4 or 5 of my girls having a burping contest in their room. Life is good.
The RN I signed him out with praised me for being such an amazing and accepting mom. I didn't know what to say since I haven't seen her before. I had no idea what she was talking about. She clarified when she saw how confused I was. She told me we have spoken on the phone many times. She is the one that calls after my son has been injured or had a violent episode. Remembering some of our brief conversations, I smiled. She went on to explain that most families are defensive and nasty to her, some even blame the RTC for the events. She said it is so nice to call and be thanked for trying so hard. She said my son has spoken many times about how I love him no matter what choices he makes and I am the only one that can really keep him safe. She said he told her he knows he can't love right but he has the right mom bc I love him him enough for both of us. I almost cried. He does hear me. It is so hard to tell sometimes but now I know.
We had some big emotions around here after the visit. I had stepped out to get TP and had to come running back to help the hubby. I got the kiddo to take her night meds and do some breathing w me. She regained control after a bit and the day is winding down.
I can hear 4 or 5 of my girls having a burping contest in their room. Life is good.
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