Attention

I have no idea why I get so nervous when the case workers come out to the house. It could be that the future of our beloved children are in some stranger's hands. It was uneventful. They both agree the kids will be great here.

The only concern is how we could possibly give the appropriate amount of attention to each child. It's a valid concern. It's something I work very hard on. They get all of my attention. I have no visiting friends, no job outside the home, and no activities that do not include them. My entire daily schedule is all about their needs, wants, and dreams. I sit with them, I cook for them, I help with homework, I listen to their very lengthy and sometimes fictional stories, and I spends hours each month in therapy with them. I can assure you, they get the attention they need. I make sure to spend a small window of time with each individual child every day. I tuck them all in, I make sure to tell them I love them and how wonderful they are every day. I hug and kiss them every day. I make an effort to smile every time they come into a room or come up to talk to me. I laugh like they just told the best joke in the world at every knock knock.

I don't think they lack for attention. I'm the only one in need of my attention. You can tell this any day you stop by unannounced. You will catch me in my PJs well past noon, not becasue I am lazy but becasue I haven't found a moment to shower without 2 additional children in there with me or opening the shower door every 30 seconds. My nails are never manicured. Some days I forget eat or use the restroom. My hair is in desperate need of some color to hide the grey and a hair cut. I don't care, either. As we added more kids, I have been known to leave the house like that. My kids are always immaculate. I check each one as they walk out the door. Now all I have to do is train them to check me.

He Thought He Was Dying

I took Sawyer out of school yesterday and drovehim up to see his GGma in her new apartment. He misses her and cries for her sometimes. He needed a special outing to see her. It gave us some quiet time becasue we only had Peyton with us. I bet you are wondering where Kiera was. No, I didn't lock her in the trunk. She stayed home with my very sick husband and puking Emma. I was so glad to get out of here.

We got to the GGma's and as I walked up the stairs, I smeled gas. It was strong. SHe opened the door and it poured out. I quickly got her out of the house and began openning her windows while loking for the source. SHe had bumped the stove handle and it had been on for hours. If she had lit a cigarette, she'd have blown, for sure. I'm so glad she has been trying to quit and hadn't had one all morning.

We took her out to lunch and had a blast. It is still so surprising when my kids at crazy around their families. Peyton slid off his seat and ran around the restaurant several times screaming, "Na na na boo boo, you can't catch me!" with me desperately trying to catch him as he darted between tables. If the entire place hadn't been roaring with laughter, he might not have found it so fun. At least I didn't have 2 toddlers running in opposite directions like I normally do.

I mentioned my husband was home sick. I thought he was just being a baby with a stomach virus. He wasn't. He begged me to take him to the hospital. He swore he was dying. He cried out in pain the entire way and was upset that I couldn't stay with him. It turns out he was having a gal bladder attack. He has fluid built up around it. There are no stones and in some cases it happens after a trauma and heavy pain meds. They shot him up with morphine and he was all good after that. I picked him back up about Midnight with a fist full of scripts. He has to see a specialist and may need surgery to remove it. He shoudl survive, contrary to his belief.

Both the county the kids came from and our county are meeting with us today. My fingers are crossed things go smoothly and quickly. The thought of them stresses me out.

Na Na Na Boo Boo

Patches is gone. Ella bawled. No one else said a word. She slept the entire way there which is not surprising since that is how she deals with stress. SHe hugged the toddlers and I then walked away.

The toddlers were horrible. H.O.R.R.I.B.L.E. I was mortified. The staff was very kind and understanding. It made it worse. My most stern voice only made them giggle. Yes, giggle. It became a damn game. "Na na na boo boo, you can't catch me." I'm not kidding. I wanted to crawl under the table with them and hide. I didn't. I crawled under there and threatened them. They got up in their stroller and buckled themselves in. Then they argued about who made mommy mad. Kiki said, "Oh, Peyton, you made mommy mean." Peyton, "No. You." Kiki, "No. You!" This continued until we left. In the middle of this visit, Kiera tooted and smelled up the tiny closed office. I thought she pooped becasue she said so. I ran her to the bathroom and she hadn't. SHe wanted to go on the potty and DID. Huge for her. So big she told every person she met on her way back to the tiny office that still smelled like death. Thank goodness she is as cute as a bug.

The CW called from the county the kids came from and will be out with this counties CW Thursday. This county is not sure how to open us as an adoption home and not a foster/adopt home. We can't be opened as a f/a home because we have too many kids. Their county seems a bit irritated. Oh well. Just getter done.

Ella will be on their school's news in the AM becasue she is the Star Student this week. SHe may crawl under the table herself. Being in the spotlight is not something she enjoys. SHe will misplace her voice, I'm sure.

I'm Not Dead

Things have slowed down here with 2 of my ragers out of the house. I can't believe how calm the kids are. I am constantly cooking too mch food or waiting on phantom children to come in from school. It's weird. I feel like half the kids are gone.

Patches will be admitted Monday to the place where Ruthie is. The place that Michael is doesn't have room for her until after her approval expires. I had no idea they would expire. Medicaid refuses to give them extra time to get her in. I received a call from her therapist late last night and she said to do a lateral move in a couple weeks to the place Michael is. SHe said it will piss them off but Patches really needs to be over there instead. I'm all about pissing people off.

The kids ahve been out of school all week. We live in a county that gives them a week off every other month and a short Summer. It may work out better for me becasue I have them in shorter stints. I can keep them entertained easier.

We have spent the week working on catching up on all our projects. They have been cooperative and well behaved. I'm telling you, it's a new world over here.

Kiera is getting Peyton into trouble. She is so darn smart. It cracks me up. She will point out the banana on the top shelf and tell him to get it. He does. She showed him how to open the door to the garage and they dumped a 5# bag of shredded cheese on the lawnmower. SHe is in panties and convinces him to strip down to wear a pair. He always has poop in his diaper and it ends up on the floor. SHe tried to bury him in the sandbox. He has learned how to open the gate and when I yell for him to get back in, he runs giggling, "You can't catch me" with Kiera by his side. They keep me busy.

Sawyer is settling in. He has such a big heart. He wants to protect me. It is so sweet. He loves everything I feed him. Everything.

Cyr scared the crap out of me yesterday. The girl has had a migraine for 3 days. I told her she needs to go to the doctor and started loking for one tht could see her. No luck. I ran to take Sawyer to the doctor and she called me screaming. SHe felt a knife going thrugh her head and and could barely speak from through the pain. SHe called an ambulance before I could return home. Of course, having the kids home all week and working on projects outside, the house was trashed. I had been piling laundry up all day as it came out of the dryer. I'm sure to most it would look like a lot but it was sheets and pillows so it looked puffier. The dishes hadn't been done from breakfast and the floor wasn't mopped from the night before. Most families don't need to mop daily. We do. We had also trapsing in clay from the yard. It looked bad. I hope they don't report us. It is usually decent. Never spotless. Let them come clean up after my little pigs for a day, they'd understand that just becasue it was clean in the AM doesn't mean it is decent at noon.

Kiera's Mother and her BF are here spending the night. I grabbed her sister and they are passed out on the sofa.

I've been thinking, I really need to get back on here. I've been slack. Really, I've been overwhelmed. I didn't even know how bad it was until it calmed. I have a plan to take better care of myself and my marriage. It's working. Part of that plan is to get back on here. Don't hold your breath or anything. Just look for more of the old me to pop back in.

I tracked down Sawyer, Anna, and Emma's father. I had to call him repeatedly to get him on the phone but I did. He was crappy with me and threatened, nicely, to regain his rights and custody of them. I calmly explained it wasn't possible but he shoudl get an attorney. I assured him, regardless of his efforts to do that, we wanted to remain in contact for the kids sake. He played the blame game and skirted all responsibility for the need for adoption. It was sad. I laid down our rules for sobriety only in the presence of the kids. I couldn't care less about what he does at home, just be present for them when he's here. We don;t want anything from him except for him to remain in contact with the kids. He seemed relieved. HE spoke briefly to the kids and got back on the phone with me. He was much more polite. He asked if he was really invited to their party or if the kids shouldn't have said anything. I repeated the date and times and offered for him to bring his 4 step children and new daughter. He was excited to hear it. We'll see if her shows.

I have therapy with Ruthie tomorrow and a brief visit after that. Both kids are calling crying when they call. It's hard to remain strong. I keep assuring my son, he will come home when he's ready. We are waiting on him. I'm careful how I address it with Ruthie. I do not make promises. I can't see her here safely. I can't see her not living with us. It's gonna take a lot to fix what she's done.

My Big Night Out

Our cable went out over the weekend while my DH and I were out ALONE. You read that right, we were alone. Unheard of moment in our lives but we managed to pull it off with the help of my dear sister, Kiki. Crazy woman volunteered to spend the night here with them. Back to the cable, they came out this evening to fix it. Woo Hoo! You have thought we planned to torture the kids with no food and water by the way they were acting. Even the mention of a book and we had multiple meltdowns.

We had a ball. We got a room, took a taxi to eat, sat at the bar and enjoyed a few caramel appletinis with my meal, stumbled to the taxi to head back to the hotel, giggled the entire way through the lobby as the clerk teased us about our evening's plans, made it to our room to eat the cheesecake we left the restaurant with, "snuggled", and passed out by just a few minutes after 9PM. The best night I've had in a decade, hands down.

I read about how other moms are sure to make time for their spouse and themselves. I have been jealous. No more! We made a pact, we are going to hug and kiss every day. Seems stupid to most people but I'm sure there are a few of you that have an idea of what I'm talking about. You wonder how we lost our intimacy? Try 1 to 3 kids in your room for the last year and a half. Try parenting kids that are constantly pushing buttons you had no idea you had. How about throw in 6 kids that cover their face when you do something as simple as kiss your spouse, acting like you just flashed a boob at him? I love him. He loves me. We just lost track of each other for a bit. The last thing I want at the end of the day is another person wanting something or needing to hang on me. I'm trying not to see our relationship like that. He is the one person in this house that I can have a reciprocal relationship with. Heck, he already changed out the shower head, mowed the yard, put in a pretty new ceiling fan in our living room, and several other little things that I've been begging for for months. Now if he would just remember to fill up the gas tank when he uses the van. I know, I'm dreaming again.

I took Michael and the Toddlers to the new RTC to admit Michael. He was fine. I was crushed but he just walked off. The therapist said some really fantastic things about me to the doctor in charge. Made me blush. I really think the world of both of or therapists. He made it clear I am the best mom he has ever worked with and that I get it.

Now that I have shared almost all my good news. I must share 1 more little piece. I'm warning you, if you are a RAD mom sitting there reading about other people's misery to make yourself feel better, you need to join us. I'm going to Orlando with Corey for her Mom's Retreat! That's right, I'm getting to go. I know you are sitting there with your head down about to cry. Don't. Come with us. They had such a good time last year and I sat here sobbing about how horribly isolated I am with all my little crazy kids. I can tell you from experience, that was not fun. Go check her out, besides putting this wonderful retreat together, she is an interesting, funny, supportive, gorgeous lady. You will love her.

Stress

The stress is building here. My poor husband is losing his mind. He is stressed by the never ending energy Sawyer has, that both vans are breaking down simultaneously, that we had 3 kids sleeping in our room last night, that someone smeared poop on the bathroom wall again, that it is taking so long to move the kids to the hospital, that I have court Thursday and will be spending money we do not have, the constant pain in his leg from the accident, but all of that fails to compare the worry he has about his Mother's health issues. He blamed me for all the kid stress today. He swears I love all the drama and stress they torture us with. He just can't wrap his mind around the fact that we are just handling things differently. He, like the kids, feel like I'm not doing enough to get them moved. It's crazy. It's not up to me when they leave. I signed everything, it's all up to someone else now. We have dates. We just have to wait. He worries it is too little too late. He worries things won't calm down.

Like I said, topping it all off is his Mother's health. She was dx'd with breast cancer more than 10 yrs ago. She has been fine up until a couple of months ago. She hurt her shoulder and had it xrays done. She has bone cancer. It is advanced. She is a fighter. One of the toughest people I know. I can't imagine a little thing like cancer getting her down for long.

She was his world growing up and long into adulthood. His protector and cheerleader. The only parent he had. He can't think past the 3 year life expectancy. All he thinks about is 3 more Christmases, 3 more Thanksgivings, and how his children will never appreciate all she has done for us, for them. He is beyond angry with the way Ruthie and her husband are treating her. He breaks down at the mere mention of her. He wants to be there for her but can't seem to cope with this himself.

I explained to him that all the blaming in the world won't make this better. If he moved out of our home, "the source of all his depression", the very things he is upset about would follow him. His mother's illness, the kids issues, the pain in his leg, lack of intimacy with his wife, his dying van, etc. He would add a huge financial drain called child support. I suggested he think about living in his mother's basement and dating. LOL That thought alone makes me laugh. Wait until he tells them how many kids he has. ROFLMAO He isn't going anywhere any time soon. He just needs to vent and crawl back out of this hole he has been in since July 2nd.

We have a night out ALONE scheduled for this weekend. Thanks to my fantastic sister who is looking forward to babysitting for us. She suggested to save money we pack a snack and just do it in the van. She cracks me up.

I got a call this morning that Ruthie has an appointment for intake at the RTC next Wednesday. Just a couple ours later, I got another call that Michael will be admitted Tuesday!. Just as we were about to hang up, she mentioned she hopes to have Patches admitted by the end of the week. I can hardly believe it's happening. I'm relieved and worried at the same time.

I'm off to take Cyr for a physical so she can try out for Cheer leading. I can't believe she is interested with all her black eyeliner and dark clothes but who am I to judge? Appropriate social interaction, I'm in. Next year she plans on joining the junior police program here. She would like top become an officer one day.

Someone has stepped out of our lives for no reason that I can tell. It couldn't have happened at a worse time. I'm disappointed and angry that she refuses to return my calls and be the support she promised. Of course, we all know that our children struggle to really feel that connection and being needed means they must push us away. I hope she and the kids are doing well. I hope she doesn't need me any time soon because I will be too busy having a great time with the kids who want to be in my family.

Just A Quick Second...

to tell you someone found my blog by Googling, "I want my mom sexually". I guess it's better than the regular, "child smears poop" one I get so many hits from. I am so proud.

Remember When I Was Arrested?

Back in May I, the day before the last day of school, I bumped another car. There was no damage and we exchanged all our info and I left. The lady decided to call the police on me and the officer was a jerk. He claimed he was going to file charges against me for leaving the scene of an accident and obstruction of something or other. I informed him that I knew he couldn't do that and wanted to know what the problem was. I gave him my information including dln and insurance. He came back to the phone and told me to drive back to the scene, blah, blah, blah.

I knew something was up. I began to panic. I agreed to meet him at my house since I had some kids home from school already and couldn't leave. Long story short, my dl was suspended because I had chosen to pay the fine through the mail instead of making the almost 2 hour drive to pay in person. They didn't receive it and filed a bench warrant when I didn't show up for court. Oh, goody. The officer was a jerk about it and kept making threats and even high fived a fellow officer when he brought me into the station.

The deputy that signed me in realized right away that I was out of my element and took pity on me. She kept me up front and processed me quickly. I should have been out in about an hour but they lost several prisoners and had a lock down. More fun. In the end, I was charged with driving on a suspended license.

Fast forward to yesterday. I went to court because paying a fine wasn't an option. I was there on time and seated while the nastiest man I have ever seen in a suit called out all the names. He skipped mine. I waited until he was done and raised my hand. He hissed at me that I must have been late. I remained calm and told him no I was skipped. That was all it took. I was on this guys shit list. He growled at me several times. I'm not exaggerating, he growled. He later yelled at me in front of everyone and told ME to stop yelling at him. I had not and several other people were quick to be sure I knew they felt he was being mean to me. No one stood up to him, of course. He put my file at the bottom of the stack. I saw him do it and another lady looked right at me to see if I saw him.

There was nothing I could do. I waited on a hard bench for 3 1/2 hours with a fever. I was polite until the Judge called a recess and said the last few of us would have to come back after 1:30. Considering I have so many kids getting off the bus to a locked house at 2:45, I was upset. I approached another solicitor and begged her to help me. I told her I would have to leave because I can't leave my children unsupervised and outside. The other guy heard me and yelled at me again that he would send an officer out to arrest me, if I left. I lady looked at me and pointed for me to sit down, and hold on. He was treating me like I murdered a few kids for fun. She took pity on me and was able to have it continued. I signed a sheet saying I understood that I couldn't have it postponed again and I would be there. My fine would be $700 and a year of probation. WTH?

Is anybody else shocked by this amount? I watched case after case of DUIs and they got less of a fine. My sister said I would walk away with time served and she would know considering she this is her job (some days) in our county. I don't think there is anything I can do to change it and now I have to come up with the full amount or sit on probation for a year. Of course, we can't be on probation and be a foster/adopt parent.

I hope the fat bastard chokes on his biscuit.

Someone...

Someone went right back to bed after they got dressed and had to be picked up and forced out the door to catch their bus.

Someone peed on themselves and tried to walk out the door with a GIANT wet spot from his waist to his knees. He was completely shocked I found this unacceptable and only changed after I asked 6 times.

Someone pooped in my driveway and thinks I am mean because I suggested they need to be supervised outside to be sure they found the bathroom when they needed to go.

Someone has a room that smells like pee.

Someone's teacher called and said many good things about them.

Someone called their G Gma and told her I was mean and they wanted to come home.

Someone refused to eat dinner because they were mad at me for scolding them after they attacked another child for no reason that anyone else could tell.

Someone had to sit and explain to a teacher that the child they see at school isn't the child their family sees and the tantrum the child spoke of having over the weekend was a 3 hour standoff that included hundreds of dollars worth of property and death threats.

Someone was threatened by a school official to either dis enroll an absent child or be reported to DFCS.

Someone found out 2 kids will be placed at one local facility while the other will be at another one forcing the family to drive all over the state for family therapy.

Someone had a tiny camera on the end of a long cord shoved up their nose a very long way only to hear they need to have their adenoids removed.

Someone got a second opinion today they didn't like.

Someone has a physical for their pending adoption tomorrow with 2 toddlers that terrorize every waiting room they visit.

Wonder what tomorrow has in store for Someone.

The Big Event

Kiera's Mom and sister, Lexi, are here for the weekend.

I'm busy making plans and getting organized for our annual Birthday Carnival. We had an offer from a reader that we couldn't refuse. She is a face painter and henna artist! She is coming up here to do our party for FREE! Can you believe it? Kelley, thank you so much! The kids screamed when they heard.

So as it stands, it will be Saturday October 16th this year. It will be big. It will be fun. We are doing a 7oft obstacle course, a bounce house, Ring Toss, Dinosaur Dig, Nose Picker, Toilet Paper Toss, Duck Pond, several more games, and of course the face painting and henna tattoos. I would be thrilled to convince my nieces to dress the part and make balloon animals. They aren't returning my texts. LOL We will serve cotton candy, hot dogs, sno kones, chips and tons of soda and capris.

The kids have lots of ideas and if I were a millionaire, we would be having a petting zoo, laser tag, clowns, bubbles, a real carnival tent, fortune teller, a cake with Jacob (from Twilight) jumping out, valet parking, pony rides, dunk tank, and more. They sure can dream.

Wanna come?

We have 2 approvals for RTC. One came yesterday for Michael and the other today for Ruthie. They have requested a bed at the same facility for both and hope to put Patches there, as well. It's been harder than I thought.

I'd love to get back to finding humor in my life. I'm working on it. I don't want to be swallowed by grief or anger and if I don't watch it, that's where I'm heading. I'm trying to have fun with my kids a little at a time. We are all holding hour breaths right now. Things should begin to calm once the three are at the hospital. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

My Little Heroes

I haven't been over there in a long time but I have started posting to my private blog. If you were invited before, your welcome back. I don't have room for new folks so I can't invite anyone else. I'm sorry.

My Little Heroes

Check it Out!

Online Schooling

Not to brag but really more of an apology, I have been given the honor of 11 blog awards over the years and never posted one of them. I confess, I didn't know how. It seemed simple enough but I kept telling myself I'd do it later. Never following through. Forgive me. I was so excited to get each and every one.

I just received another one. This one a little different. My readers nominated me and a panel of judges decided my blog was good! I figured this was the best time to get busy figuring out how to get the award up there. It's on the left side bar over there. Go check out all the other great winners, too!

The Fall Out

Michael started his weekend off really bad. Friday and Saturday was like a nightmare. He pulled it together Sunday. It could have been the fact I didn't give his meds Saturday night but Sunday morning. I knew he'd be groggy but I couldn't do another day restraints.

Patches let it all fly today. It's all my fault for giving her sister away. SHe hates me. Blah, Blah, Blah. It's like a broken record. I have no patience. None. She started to puff up at me and I asked her to go ahead and let it fly. I was ready and willing to take her down until the police got there. I was mad. She knew it. SHe was mouthy but backed way down. SHe decided to sit in her room all day without eating. I told her if she chose to come out and do her chore, she could join us for lunch. If she chose not to do it, she could make herself a PB&J and carrots to eat in her room. Nothing.

It took her until 7:30PM to come out and tell me she was sorry for the hateful things she said. I apologized, too. We talked about how she really does understadn that she had to leave and that it wasn't my fault. SHe offered that she feels I am a great mom and she is tired of abusing me just because she is upset about something. SHe did her chore and even giggled with Kiera before bed. I'm sure it's not the end of it.

SHe broke the 8th pair of glasses this year today. I'm not replacign them again. SHe is going to have to suffer a bit first. I don't care if she can't see the TV. Tough.

Sawyer had a rough day. He couldn't stay focused on anything longer than 30 seconds. It makes for a long day. He commented that he doesn't remember who touched his privates. I thought it was strange. I tried to talk about it because it seemed like such an odd comment. He backed down and changed the subject. Maybe someday he can try again. I think there may be something there. I really hope not. He is also stealing food constantly. Weird stuff like dry jello. Who eats dry jello? He creid for his G Gma at bedtime. He was mad he had to pick out new clothes for school after leaving the other set on the floor and they disappeared.

Their G Gma has to move. SHe is going to try to find a place closer to us. I am really looking forward to that. SHe is a super nice lady. She doesn't deserve to be treated like the bad guy her family plays her to be. SHe stood up for Anna and reported the uncle for abusing her and for attacking his gf. He is a loser that needs to have his bond revoked. I am working on that with the ADA's office.

A Change Is Coming

Thank you all so much for your incredible support and personal stories. You have moved me to tears.

Patches was a beast yesterday. She was able to get a grip before she threw her tennis shoe at me only because I reminded her that Kiera has been hurt enough. She set the shoe down after about 10 minutes and began sobbing. We talked about her pent up feelings and she was able to express her devastation at her sister's action. She compared what she did to what her father did tho all of them. She understands my need to protect them all from her but it hurts so deeply at the very thought of losing a member of her family. She told her all this.

Michael lost it briefly and recovered, the first time. The second time, was very bad. It was scary for the kids and for me. My husband had left with Cyr to get a tire fixed. Michael was acting very unsafe and scaring a few of the kids. I had warned him several times and explained I couldn't contain him any more that day. I sent him on to bed in my room. He began destroying my bed the instance I was out of his sight. When I entered the room to talk to him, he crawled under my bed and started kicking and tearing at it. There came a point, I had to get him out. Patches, my strong girl, lifted it so I could reach him. I tried to calm him but he was like a wild animal. He clawed, bit, and kicked me while I tried to get him into a safer position. I had to ask Patches for help with his legs for the first time. She was nervous but did exactly as I asked. When I was able to release him, I took him downstairs to sit in the living room to be monitored. I tried again to talk about what he was feeling. He flipped out! The craziest I have ever seen him. The power had been out and the house had heated up to about 80 degrees. My hands were sweaty and he is so small. He flung himself all over the place as he tried to kill me. He told me of his intentions and he looked wild enough that I believed him. I loudly told the kids to get the toddlers out of there and not a child moved to do it. He slipped out of my grasp again and I screamed it. He managed to reach up at me and rip my shirt nearly off me. He had clawed my knees and hands, hit me with his head on my mouth, and bitten me several times. I was covered in sweat by the time I was able to let him go without fear of being seriously hurt.

After all that had calmed. I asked the offending child to come out of her room. I asked her very specific questions, hoping to help her help her beloved brother not make a similar mistake. She caught on quickly and told him she wanted him to be happy and safe here. She sobbed that she feared she was losing all her family and he deserved to be happy. She took responsibility for having to leave. She confessed that I had done everything I could to stop her and she wanted to prove to me that I couldn't. She admitted she would probably do it again, if left here.

He screamed and sobbed the entire conversation. Ella sat quietly and sobbed in corner. Ava came and went several times, giggling and making jokes like she didn't care at all.

It took a long time to get it all out and my husband came in during it. He was livid. He warned him that he's had enough of the violence on his wife and he no longer cares what I think, he is going to step in from now on. He demanded that he take this opportunity to find ways to act like a son should. He had no right to torture all of his children and wife the way he does. The little ones are done being terrified that their mother is going to be hurt or taken away. This house is going to change. We will have zero tolerance for violence against others. The house needs to calm down, now. We will now report it to the police every time he hits me or hurts me, in any way. We will provide a safe and calm home for all the children that want to be here and are trying hard to overcome their past. We owe it to them. After 4 years, they either make significant attempts to be in a family or they choose to leave. It is completely up to them.

He was right, I'm done being abused. Allowing him to be here without real consequences reinforces the act of violence against me. He feels it is OK to use me as his personal punching bag every time he gets frustrated. How can I make him believe he deserves better if I act like I don't? I understand he is disturbed. I understand he has had a tough life and will never fully recover. I also see how he will treat his wife and children. I have to try something else. What I'm doing isn't working. I love him. I hope he decides to save himself. I promised him I will work as hard as he does. No less and no more. I can't carry him anymore. Our life at home is about to change. It has to.

Sharing Without Saying

I'm angry. One of my daughters has intentionally violated another child. I have reported it and no one is going to do anything. Nothing legally. This child is so much sicker than I ever imagined. She admitted to have planned it and waited for the right moments when I turned my back to her. Literally, in the same room some of the times. Due to her age, they won't press charges. I want to. I will do everything I can to make that happen. She will do this again. She has promised to even threatening to kill me to do it. She has no feelings of remorse and did it to get back at me. She is turning into a scary person. She will not accept all the help we have provided over the last 4 yrs. She is moving into my MIL's home until she can be placed in an RTC. At this point, I can't see her ever returning to our home. We would need a miracle. She would need to want to change. She doesn't. I hope she changes her mind before it's too late.

My kids are wrecks. Three are wetting day and night, again. Others talk about feeling unsafe again. I have tremendous guilt for not stopping her. I know she went through great lengths to accomplish it but she did it to hurt me, for no other reason. The victimized child is terrified to be out my sight. She is clinging to me constantly. She cries and screams all day about nothing. She hugs me as I weep for the lost innocence of one child and the inevitable loss of another child. As the days go by, I'm able to remember that I love her, despite her actions. Right now, she repulses me. I can't look at her. I can't be mean but I refuse to act like she didn't do it. She has damaged our relationship, our family.

I appreciate all the support and I'm sure I will share more publicly, in time. It's too raw. I'm too angry. She is too sick. It's too awful. For now, understand that I really tried to save this child. I really wanted her to stay. I really wish I would have listened more clearly to our therapists and sent her to RTC before things happened. The assured me, no one could have seen this coming. No one. She was kind and gentle to the other kids. Sexualized, yes. A danger to small children, never crossed our minds. She was allowed to play with other children supervised with numerous cameras in place. If she could get past that, she was dedicated to her mission.

Cyr already has a new boyfriend. He is adorable and seems really nice. He thinks she is the cat's meow.

Patches has a friend at school and we are excited as she is pondering how to ask her to spend the night, once we are safe enough.

Michael is still on my floor. He is unable to speak about his feelings until after a rage and many bad choices.

Sawyer is trying to connect and come to terms with all that has happened since he has been here. He like some of us.

Emma told me she thinks she is getting fat because she can't see her feet anymore.

Ella is holding her own. I see so much progress since last year. She will be fine.

Ava is amazing. Our little girls that once stole and lied about everything is gone. A new thoughtful and protective child has emerged. She loves us. She wants to be here. She proved it by working so hard and tells me daily.

Anna is working on eye contact and talking about her feelings. She stuffs them away. She would run away if she had to go back to her other family. She recognizes we are safe, even when some aren't.

Kiera has stopped using the potty and is back in diapers. We'll try again in a few months when things settle down.

Wyatt is a constant challenge. He is all boy. He is a daredevil.

She Can't Live In A Family, I Tried

I didn't see this coming. Charges are going to be filed. I informed her I will be sure she feels the full effects of her choices. When she leaves for treatment, I don't think we will allow her to return to our home. It is not out of spite. I haven't even thought through what we would or could do. I just know she can't be here anymore. I can't believe I feel this way. I can't believe she could do this to our family, our children. I don't know what we will do. She has made bad choices but this is a whole new ball game. I am looking forward to peace and quiet around here so I can learn to live with the guilt of making her leave. I thought I could forgive everything. She found the one thing I can't. I hate that she tried so hard to find it. I hate that she has to leave. I hate that she doesn't care.

I can't share the details. I can promise another investigation will follow the report tomorrow. I hope we all make it out of this together.

I have a child that is peeing on their bedroom floor, lying about silly things, ramming their bodies into everything from the floor to other people, destroying everything their their path, pushing every rule to the very limit, manipulating the adults around him, stealing food, hoarding, and masterbating inappropriately. In other words, this child is fitting in very well here. LOL

We have 2 sick toddlers, 3 sick big kids, and a sick mom. It is not pretty here, folks. Bitching, moaning, fevers, snot, flem, and a headache. If I could figure out a way to keep the toddlers in bed with me all day, I'd be good. They won't. They want to eat, bathe, and have their diapers changed. It's not fair. They are old enough to manage on their own, right? I mean they are 2.5, not 2 anymore. Kids grow up fast these days. Two and half is the new 4.

The new CW came and went Monday. She seemed to know her way around the job and the kids talked to her easily. Now we wait for our county to finish up the paperwork and take over.

Getting A Much Needed Break

SO far our new county school system experience has been great. I'm a little irritated about the lack of communication with transportation dept regarding Patches but I'm sure they are overwhelmed right now. How would they know I have 6 elementary kids that can not under any circumstances be left alone while I drive across the city to pick her up every afternoon. It's not their fault but it is causing me to pick her up late and I'm sure that doesn't look good and the stress it is putting on all of us is not fun either.

The cafeteria manger at the elementary school is really on the ball. The front office has been nothing short of amazing. The teachers have accepted our new kids and allowed them to use their new names. The kids told me this school is better than their old one. They love it here. I think a big part of it is the fact the front office lady hasn't treated them as second class kids living in an abusive home. LOL Did I ever mention that lady was let go towards the end of the year last year? Yippee but it was a little too late.

Anyway, I've decided to trust these folks with Michael's afternoon meds. It will help him adjust to coming home every day without attacking us. Last night I was forced to hold him for almost 30 minutes. He is extremely aggressive when he gets in the door every day. We can't continue like this and the meds will help. Ruthie started in last night right after he calmed and was sobbing in my lap. He went off on her, "Leave me alone! Mom has to hold me or I will kick her! Next time I will kick you! I Don't want to hurt people and she keeps me safe! I don't care if I have red marks. I'm not hurt!" I love him. He really needs intensive intervention daily and all the professionals are right, I can only do so much when the triggers are being in a home with people that love you. He knows this, I should have listened earlier. All 3 know it. I was so worried they would feel abandoned, they still do but they know it's right. Now to keep proving they are still all part of us and we all love them.

The toddlers are driving me insane. I rarely get to the point that kids are too much for me. I'm there with the toddlers. I need help. I can't take another day of screaming and whining. The aggression between them is shocking. If I separate them, they scream for each other. I've decided to spend an hour at the YMCA every day during the week starting next week. They offer free daycare and I could use the silence even if it means I have to exercises to get it. LOL

Overall, I am thrilled for the opportunity to parent all of these kids. They each bring a different joy to the family.