Maybe Some Progress

I spoke with a Sgt. in charge of crimes against persons in their county. He asked lot of questions and seemed interested in the situation. He promised to call her mother and the witness to see if he can do anything. I think it helped that I told him I spoke to the Judge here and he told me to call him.

Rosa has discovered Facebook and is connecting with long lost friends! I am so excited and I am hoping to send her off for a good time tomorrow night. It's been many years since she went out and she deserves it.

Incompetence

She reported it this afternoon and the officer had no idea what to do. He told her to complain to DFCS!

I called her old investigating officer at DFCS and they insisted I report it to the Judge that granted our LG. He was shocked and promised to let me know immediately if there was any activity regarding Kiera. The DFCS CW also told me to report it to the local DFCS and to the sheriff's office in her county. I will be very angry if this blows over.

Buying A Baby

Kiera's mother was offered $10,000 to give up her rights and let her aunt and uncle adopt her. I am so angry on so many levels. I am grateful her mother informed me immediately and wanted to know if she should call the police. I consulted with my BIL and she will report it tomorrow. She is willing to call their offer and let them pay her or sign anything to prove their horrible intentions. She promised she would never actually do it and wants her here with us. I believe her b/c I was the first person she called to help her figure out what to do. I also explained I wasn't worried b/c she couldn't actually do it without seeing a judge first due to her particular situation and our LG. These people are supposed to be Christians, he is a youth pastor. If you remember he also had some child abuse charges somewhere in his history.

I will be calling the CW that loved them so much tomorrow. She was very happy that the baby was here but insisted they were wonderful, too.

Kath, I am so glad you handled your situation so well. I don't post your comments b/c I worry they are too personal. Please let me know how it goes.

We Survived!

We went to MIL's for Christmas Eve and then went to pick up the baby from her G Grandmother's. Did I even tell y'all that she was going? I was very worried about Kiera going to stay with her mother at her G Gma's from Sunday to Wednesday. I had nightmares but talked to her every day. She was fine in the end but we didn't pick her up until late that night so she missed the activities at my MIL's. She was so excited to see me and nearly leapt out of her mother's arms to smash her face in my neck. She wouldn't let me set her down for some time and slept all the way home. Once here, I changed her diaper and found one of the nastiest diaper rashes I have ever seen. I photographed it (I felt so bad and gross to do it but I knew it was necessary). It hurt so bad she couldn't sit comfortably. I bathed her for probably the first time since she left me and we snuggled in for bed. She slept all night only rolling over to be sure I was there and to press her tiny body completely against me. I had to wake her up at 7:30 the Christmas morning b/c the kids couldn't wait another minute. She went back down to nap with my DH for 2 hours and then again in my arms for another 2. She went to bed by 8 PM and slept all night. She was worn out! I know now that she really needs to be with me. Her mother doesn't really want to parent and she refuses to properly clean and care for her. The GG even said in front of her that the baby is where she should stay.

The kids got all they wanted and have kept themselves together the best they can. Cyr is texting away on her new cell. Patches is making bracelets for everyone. Ruthie is a new mother to faux American Doll that looks just like her. Michael is singing his heart out in his microphone. Emma won't stop playing with her Little Pet Shop junk. Ava was playing with her HSM dolls until I took them away b/c she stole my only present. Ella is rocking out with her new electric guitar.

We have a lazy week planned ahead and I look forward to peace and quiet. Patches is doing well on her Abilify. We just upped it to 20 mg and it seems to be the right med. She can stay awake and she isn't eating me out of house and home.

We did have a tiny glitch in our plan this holiday. My fridge died the day before Christmas Eve. I later found out my aunt had her stove die the same day. She called to tell me my father died Christmas morning. I never met him and wouldn't want to. Did make me kinda sad though, not for him. I thought about calling my brother but figured it best to wait until after the holiday. I am sure he won't cry any tears or run to his funeral. Why ruin his holiday with thoughts of such a crappy man?

I hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas!

Against My Better Judgement

Kiera is going to stay with her Great Grandma, Grandma, and Mother from Sunday to Wednesday. I have spoken to the GG and she is going to be responsible for Kiera and her sister Lexie. Emma's Mom assures me that she is a stickler for rules and is trust worthy. She will go over and check on her every day. GG promises to call me if there is any problem and won't let her be alone with her. The Gma has recently been dx'd with lung cancer and since this may be her last holiday I felt it was important for her to see her. I am worried about the length of time she will be going for. The girl can't parent her but wants her for the fun stuff without regard for how it will affect her. This will porbably set the baby off since she is starting to get a handle on the routine here. I am looking forward to sleeping all night. I am already missing her terribly.

We will be visiting my Mother on Sunday and she has made the baby 2 loveys and a sweater. She does this for all her grandchildren and I am more excited about that then anything else. It's like it makes her real. We are going to my MIL's on Christmas Eve. She always out does herself for the kids. She is giving them all an outift and the best thing of all, money.

We were offered help with Christmas from a local organization. I was not getting my hopes up about it thinking they would just throw some things in a bag. I had underestimated them. Most of the children got exactly what they asked for. Things like an MP3 player, 5 outifts for one child, Hannah Montana guitar, and so any other things. I did have to add a bit to it to make it fair b/c my son received a toddler dump truck and Emma and Patches hauled it in with multiple outifts, shoes, and about 4 toys a piece. I was able to find Mp3 players on sale for $20 and 4 kids got them, Emma is into Little Petshop stuff so she is themed around that, Ruthie is so hard to buy for, Ella "needed" a guitar to play with her Dad, and Cyr is having her dream come true, a cheapo cell phone. She thinks it is a trip to Las Vegas b/c she wants to ride on a plane so bad.

I spoke with Patches' AT today and she completely agrees with the dx. Made me sad and it is sinking in more and more. I know Patches will struggle but she is such a wonderful child that I know we will get through this.

Kiera has learned to give the stink eye. She is really good at it and gives it to me constantly now. Last night she and I were snuggling and I was tickling her face and said, "My baby". She touched my face the same way and said, "My Mommy". We did this over and over b/c it was just so sweet. This morning I wanted to show Cyr and Kiera refused to play along. Cyr rubbed my arm and said, "My Mommy". The baby leaped over me to push Cyr away and yelled, "My Mommy". We both cracked up, that girl is so funny.

I Think We Have the Right DX

I took Patches into see her psychiatrist this morning and after a very long talk he feels she is suffering from Schizo-Affective Disorder. I thought he said she also had BiPolar but I was looking it up online and I think I may have misunderstood. He did say it was complicated by her PTSD. He has spent an enormous amount of time with her while she was in the outpatient program for 6 weeks. He saw her every day and had feedback about her from all the therapists there. He changed her meds from Geodon to Abilify. He wants to hospitalize her if there is any sign of aggression. He explained with me that this was not her fault and going to the hospital is not a consequence but is to stabilize her meds so every one is safe.

I feel like she knew this was serious already and is relieved we are trying to help. She has been very scared by what is happening to her. I love this child with my whole heart and am scared for her. I know we will get a grip on things together. I told her that life isn't always easy but I will be right there with her.

Anyone have any experience with this? I would love any advice.

I'm trying to catch things up and can't believe the baby is still sleeping. Michael was asked in therapy if he had any memories that are bothering him. Not unusual just to get things started. He shocked both the AT and I when he said, "Yes". He remembers his father touching his privates. We didn't go into much more, we didn't ask any burning questions b/c we were shocked. This is the first anyone has mentioned the father actually touching. The AT did question if this was his memory or something he had been told. We got a look like we were both stupid and he claimed it as his.

When we got home, he took me aside and told me he remembers all his sisters being touched by their father. This sis important b/c Cyr and Patches refuse to acknowledge they have been abused by anyone except the paternal Gma's BF. He gave me details that made me believe him and I reported it to the Det.

The psychiatrist has made an opening for Patches tomorrow. I am hoping he has a miracle.

Pictures fromVisit with Aunt/Uncle

Aunt M and Emma. I told her she looks like she is her mother and she offered to come take her off my hands. Emma adores Aunt M.








Uncle F, Cyr, and his daughter Courtney

The kids hadn't seen Courtney in many years and her surprise visit sent Cyr into tears. It's probably the 3rd time we have seen that child cry.





Michael is up top on left, Texas is holding him, Uncle F and Ruthie, Cyr over Ella, Courtney, and Ava







Cyr and Aunt M









Courtney and Cyr

I Feel Like I Have Been in a Car Accident

My entire body is sore and things hurt that I had no idea could hurt. All this from a restraint of Patches in the AT's office. I was punched in the head and then she pulled out a lovely chunk of my hair. SHe continued to pinch my inner thigh for the entire hour. I was scratched on the hands and face and bitten on my left hand. All my muscles in my arms, legs, neck, back, and stomach ache. I couldn't hold a child today if I had to. My hand is swollen and aching from the bite and scratches. Too bad this is only one of 3 major incidents in the last 4 days. You may wonder why she went off like that, the AT asked if she really wanted to go live somewhere else like she told the police, hospital staff, and me (for days). She kindly told her that it was an option if she truly needed to and that it would be a really nice hospital. She also mentioned she could join their Pee Club for Girls, this normally would have had Patches in stitches. SHe usually enjoys the outlandish comments from her AT and I. Not yesterday. She jumped up and rammed her body into the wall causing a full body impression in the sheetrock. It didn't just dent, it broke all the way through. SHe shoved the sofa accross the room and then began chasing the AT and punching her in the stomach and head. The real problem was that the AT expected to help me get her into a restraint. I am used to doing it alone. I couldn't get ahold of her and flip her b/c the AT had her legs. SHe ended up on her back and had full access to attack me. I will be asking her to back off next time. I appreciate her trying but I can't let her again. My DH has the same problem, he just gets in my way.

When we got home Patches was calm and kind. I had to lay down b/c myhead was throbbing. Rosa went out to check on the kids and they were gone. Patches had lead Eddie, Alyssa, Michael, and Gia into the woods. Normally they play in OUR woods. This time she wandered too far and got lost. The bad thing was she is normally very careful with Gia, this time she left her in the woods. This is not like Patches. SHe was found walking in the street with Alyssa more than a 1/2 mile from home. No remorse.

Her AT called to check on us about the time they returned home. She wants us to hospitalize her. I begged her to wait and she reluctantly gave us one more try. If Patches continues to act so dangerously we will not have a choice, she will insist. After seeing her rage, she is concerned for my safety. She feels Patches is fully capable of killing me when she is out of control. She was very surprised at the level Patches goes every time she gets upset. Her fit in her office was normal for Patches it wasnt normal in the way we held her. She feels Patches is very dangerous and was upset that she didn't understand how serious all of our kids rages were. Our level of comfort is so much higher than the average family she deals with. Patches is high risk for a personality disorder, it can't be dx'd until she is 18. That alone makes me cry.

I am trying to get to Thursday's post as quick as I can.

We are having a REALLY hard time. The police have been here, Patches has been taken to the ER, and I have been beaten, bit, scratched, and pinched much harder than usual. Please pray I survive the latest possible dx. I worry we will be searching for a residential placement for Patches very soon, the AT may insist.

The First Outburst

After much anticipation, we or should I say the rest of my family put up the tree. We, like most families, have a few holiday traditions. We drink hot chocolate (thank you, Kerry) and sing Christmas songs while decorating the tree. Patches had other plans. She decided to flip the hell out and threaten to kill herself. She knows we have 2 phrases that trigger a call for police back up, threats to kill themselves or someone else. This child has the hardest time during the holiday. I think Thanksgiving gets her thinking about being thankful for her "family" and it just keeps getting worse as the season goes on.

We had the pleasure of a firetruck, ambulance, and 2 police cars in front of our house. We had over 10 men in uniforms in her room and around the house. Patches isn't known for false allegations but it is still a fear for us. When the officers tried to calm her down she only gave partial statements that were misleading regarding my DH. Eventually she finished her sentences and explained she was mad b/c she had to clean up her own pee from the carpet.

She enjoyed the attention and even smiled an evil grin at me as she passed to enter the police car. One of the fireman told me she stopped hyperventilating on command to let me know she was OK. She is a piece of work. She loved the police car ride. She continued her attitude at the hospital and I was the bad guy when I requested they keep the door open to watch us. I was afraid she would assault me and they would think I provoked her in some way. She was so calm when she announced that she would not be going home with me. She held that same attitude for several hours. I have never seen her calm and angry like that before. It was weird and scary. Normally she is terrified of shots or getting blood drawn. This time I asked if she wanted me to hold her hand and she spoke through her gritted teeth that she didn't want me to touch her. She proudly held out her arm for the nurse and stared me down the entire time, never flinching.

Once the assessment guy got there she realized this was for real and she may lose us. All I asked was for her to promise to be safe and she could come home with me regardless of her attitude. I was able to bring her home late Thursday night.

I, on the other hand, was a basket case for the AT on Friday. He has never seen me lose it much less bawl my eyes out for 45 minutes.

Today is Sunday and she has slept all day so no attitude or outbursts. I know I should wake her up but I need a day to get my strength back so I can handle her violence. Right now my arms are still shaking from yesterdays hold. Something is changing in her and not for the better.

It's Not Christmas Until...

Patches starts screaming that she'll never have kids, she'll never come back here for holidays, I'm not her real mom, and she wants to go live with her real parents. I almost forgot, peeing all over my damn house and streaking. The girl really struggles this time of year. I feel so bad for her but at the same time, I am sick of being the brunt of her meanness. This happens every year, I knew it was coming still not prepared for how badly it would hurt this time. This is our 3rd Christmas together and I guess somewhere down deep I hoped it would be better. It's worse than ever. She is hateful in a good moment. I woke this morning to step in her pee that she left for me right outside my door. It is better than the bloody pad from the week before but still not how I wish my mornings would start. I hollered at her and said, "Keep trying, girl, nothing you can do will stop me from loving you and being your Mom." It wasn't nearly as loving and supportive as it should have been but it was the truth.

We went last night to a holiday event last night. The kids sat on Santa and we all held our breath as Cyr took Kiera up to him. She didn't cry but I missed it b/c Patches, Michael, Ava, and Ella decided they wanted to go and eat without us. I turned around and they were gone. I had to run to the other side of the building to find them. I missed the whole thing. Kiera was excited to sit on his lap b/c she wanted the stuffed puppy he held out to her. She is a sucker for animals and loves to say their sounds. Her best one is a bear, she growls. She even makes the face. I've got to get it on tape.

The event was sponsored by a church and we were signed up by the school. They will be sponsoring 7 of our children for Christmas. I think they give each child an outfit and 2 small toys. Very sweet of them and I appreciate the help with the holiday. We will be keeping things extremely small this year due to emotions.

The kids will be making their candy this year and I need your address Kerry. I know I have it somewhere but please send it to me. You can expect your own box of chocolates this year!

Fits of Rage

Kiera is showing us more and more of her true self. This week she has begun attacking my face with her fists when she doesn't get what she wants. My first response was to hold in my laugh b/c it doesn't hurt but she is really angry. So far I am the only one she has attacked and she has done it about 30 times. Her fits are lasting for hours, I set her down when she hits me and then try to pick her up when she stops hitting my legs. She then begins hitting my face again and we go round and round for hours. I walk away and continue doing things while she screams on the top of her lungs. Sometimes she does the push/pull thing on my clothes, she is not happy in my lap or on the floor. She is so confused. I am holding her nearly constantly in a Hip Hammock and she loves it for the most part. She seems to like playing with the kids but she goes crazy when I have to give her medicine or breathing treatments. My DH has begun to take out the guitar and play for her while she has her mask on. She LOVES the guitar! She has also figured out how to make herself throw up her medicine, she aims it at me. She is a tough one.

Ruthie threw a lovely fit for Rosa this morning and I had to come down and physically remove her from her. At least she is considering Rosa as family. LOL

Michael had a beating the window crazy fit last night. He didn't want to help us get Kiera to sit for her breathing treatment and just went off.

The kids had a visit from their favorite Aunt M and Uncle F yesterday. They brought his 2 teenage children and the kids were thrilled. They haven't seen his daughter in many years so it was a special treat. Cyr actually cried when they left. I had to take a double take to be sure it was tears since she doesn't cry. We talked afterward and she was genuine about her feelings. I was so proud of her.

Patches is sleeping all the time. I am thinking she is going to have to lower her dose of Geodon. I miss her.

Top from left to right-Me, Nikki (Em's Mom), Jessica (Kiera's Mom), Patches, Cyr, Rosa, Michael

Middle-Ava, Kaylee (Em's sister), Alyssa (Rosa's oldest), Emma, Gracie (Em's sister)

Bottom- Michael, Eddie (Rosa's son), Kiera (trying to get away from the death grip), Ella (the one with the death grip), Gia (Rosa's youngest)


Top-Patches, Me, Kiera, Gia, Rosa, Cyr

Bottom- Michael Ella, Ava (kinda in back of Ella), Alyssa, Emma, and Eddie

Murderous Intentions

I have managed to get another chest cold and share it with the baby. This is not good for a small child with asthma. At least the meds help her sleep a little more than usual but still no where near the amount she needs.

The kids head back to school today and I am grateful for the break. The boys are near killing each other. They argue constantly and I swear at some point only one will emerge safe and sound. We are doing our best to help them cope but nothing is working. Both insist on continuing their annoying behaviors and refuse to allow the other to make a mistake without jumping down their throat.

Ava stole her class' boys' bathroom pass. Not sure why. She claims it seemed like it would be fun. I sent a note to her teacher returning it to her and requested a consequence. I really don't think she will give her one. I usually don't give consequences for poor behavior at school, I let the school deal with that. I decided to make an exception for theft in this case. I am waiting to see what she decides before I add something to it.

Cyr has tried to hurt Rosa several times. She is very innocent looking and is completely shocked when asked about it. The same things she did to me making me wonder if I was imagining it. She is very jealous and angry but shows nothing. Her passive aggressive behaviors are quite scary. She was told repeatedly to not push when she and Rosa were carrying a huge piece of lead on the job with my DH. She was told it could be life threatening. She pushed and pushed and then pushed harder. She actually tried to kill her by slicing her in half. Rosa just moved faster and eventually confronted her on it. It just shows me Cyr hasn't really changed at all. She is so good at hiding the real her. I am disappointed and discouraged. She is so dangerous.

Patches called 911 on Alyssa. Alyssa yelled at her so Patches wanted her to see what happened when you mess with her. She actually thought she would be arrested. Isn't that nice? Patches also feels that she has to separate and take any children having fun without her. If she sees the baby playing with a child, she will go over and pick her up and walk away to play with her. If Alyssa and Emma are palying and having fun, she will go ask Alyssa if she wants to do something more fun with her. She has to have the attention. It is being addressed and she is not too happy to be caught.

Still waiting on pictures from my MIL...